Can a lonely, fearful, and sexually hungry guy become something else?

August 11, 2023 6:02 AM

The upcoming World Naked Bike Ride has given me a lot to think about. I haven't been naked in public since the high school gym. I have a very sexual mind. I am lonely and hungry for physical attention. And my fear of rejection both keeps me from being a creep, but also keeps me from following my desires. With my 40th birthday around the corner, I wonder... Is this just who I am? Or is it possible to grow into something else?

I have adhd, which is strongly linked to a desire for novelty in sexual activity and partners. And impulsive, risky behavior.

I also live in the USA, where men don't get touched by anybody except family, sometimes. I was raised by Christians and learned to be ashamed of my sexual desires. And then I became a feminist, and learned my desires are not only shameful, but can be harmful to others.

I spend maybe an hour a day looking at porn and fantasizing about the beautiful people I know.

I have desires for snuggly, huggy, hand-holding, secret-whispering intimacy. Casual nudity. Casual exposure of myself and others, totally defenseless, where bodies can just be bodies. I want people to feel safe around me, and to make me feel safe. I want to be liberated from my fear of rejection.

And I also am hungry for sexy sex with attractive bodies and people. I love people watching so I can gawk at the hotties revealing fit bods. I dream about texting half the folks in my phone something like "I'd love to hook up with you or you and your spouse. Got plans this Sunday?"

What are my realistic options?

I know I'll always be myself. I'll always be prone to imlulsivity. I'll always be horny. I'll always fear rejection.

But, is that so bad? Is it a reasonable, effective idea to stay repressed and try to fit in for the next 40 years too? Is it reasonable to expect that from a human?

Is it my responsibility to protect the world from my sexual desires? From my sexuality?

Are there feminist, lgbtq+ models for healthy male sexuality?

Is there a section of the population who lives sexually, and I've just not been invited? Is it because of how obviously uptight I am, or not fit enough, not attractive enough, not aware enough?

Please share any answers, advice, recommendations, or philosophical thoughts you may have.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (19 answers total)

Recommending Scarleteen (useful for 40 year olds too!), Dr. Nerdlove (for the blog articles, not the paid coaching), and therapy.
posted by Rhedyn at 6:10 AM on August 11, 2023 [2 favorites]

Reading between the lines here, you're saying you're not interested in monogamy, which may or may not be the same as being poly. And, you know, it can happen, at whatever age or appearance you present. The "section of the population who lives sexually" is ... well, it's not an illusion, because, again, it certainly happens. But it often goes along with youth figuring things out, or with a clique revolving around the whims of predatory people, or with a limited situation where there's not much else to do in life. (Oh, and drugs.) If it's an art scene of some kind, people write songs and make movies about it later, and it all seems so glamorous and easy if you were only just the right kind of person.

I also long for "snuggly, huggy, hand-holding, secret-whispering intimacy," a thing I haven't had in a long time. And the reason for that is that people must be vulnerable with each other. I'm not too good at that anymore! The literal meaning of "vulnerable" is "able to be hurt." True intimacy means that both of you must have the power to hurt each other without doing it. That may mean that you can't fulfill some of your desires while enjoying the benefits of this intimacy. Again, maybe it won't, if you match well with someone who's poly. Still, if you want to be close to one particular person and treat them well, you may have to decide what's worth giving up for their sake.

None of this means you're a bad person! It is just that sometimes we do not have enough slots in the inventory menu of life.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:24 AM on August 11, 2023 [5 favorites]

This question is all over the place. I don’t understand why your sexual desires are something that people need to be protected from, unless they’re harmful in some way that you aren’t telling us about (and I’m sure even then you could find someone who was into whatever you’re into).

I don’t think it’s your responsibility to protect the world from your sexual desires, if they are only what you’ve listed here about intimacy, exposure, and safety. You say you want to text half the people in your phone to hook up - is there anyone you think might actually be receptive to that, or at least not offended that you’ve asked?

I agree with Countess Elena that yes, there are some people who live more sexually, and about the types of populations those often are. I’ve been one of those people, I guess, and it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I remember it often feeling like a performance, with people being upset if I didn’t respond the way they expected me to. It certainly was not the intimacy and safety you talk about wanting. However, I don’t think I’d be so over it if I hadn’t gotten it out of my system first. Do you live in an area where there are sex parties or sex clubs? That could be an option.

I think if anything is getting in your way, it would be your uptightness, not your not being fit or attractive enough.
posted by wheatlets at 6:39 AM on August 11, 2023 [7 favorites]

My dude you need some therapy. You can't answer these questions without first figuring out what they even are. A good therapist will be able to help you unpack the many assumptions you're operating on here.
posted by babelfish at 7:26 AM on August 11, 2023 [56 favorites]

The issue most sexually hungry people run into is that others can immediately sense that your interest in them is largely motivated by you wanting them to service your needs, rather than you being interested in them as a whole person. No one wants to be used by someone as a means to an end. So the first step is to learn how to be a good friend, how to be open and vulnerable in that space, and to appreciate people for who they are instead of just a hottie who might let you do sexy stuff with them.

I find it interesting that you want casual nudity where bodies can just be bodies but you also can't not stare and fantasize about people around you.

I encourage you to go to a sex positive therapist to work through some of this before you try popping into a sex party. You'll have a better time and so will your partner(s).
posted by ananci at 7:28 AM on August 11, 2023 [27 favorites]

I agree with ananci here - “ I find it interesting that you want casual nudity where bodies can just be bodies but you also can't not stare and fantasize about people around you.”

As someone who likes nudity for the reason you state - “Casual exposure of myself and others, totally defenseless, where bodies can just be bodies” - I would be appalled in one of those situations if I thought someone was sexualizing it.
posted by wheatlets at 7:46 AM on August 11, 2023 [16 favorites]

Definitely therapy. You have a lot of presupposition in there about male/your sexual desire being a bad thing that you must carefully protect others from. Transmuting religious shame into ideological shame does not help you form a healthy perspective or relationship with sex.
posted by so fucking future at 7:57 AM on August 11, 2023 [10 favorites]

I want to amend my most recent comment - by “sexualizing”, I mean creating a sexually charged atmosphere on purpose, or conflating nudity with sexuality. If you happen to be turned on by someone you see nude and manage to keep it to yourself, that’s fine. Just be aware that most nudists are not sexually motivated and really hate it when people treat nudity as something sexual.
posted by wheatlets at 8:00 AM on August 11, 2023 [2 favorites]

Your desires are not shameful or harmful. That’s some bullshit that you’ve been told.

There are some ways that you could act in the world that would be problematic. But as an adult human you get to decide how to act. You can decide where, when and with whom you bring your desires out into the world. In the right context & company, your desires will be very welcome & fully reciprocated.

So all you need to do is to find the right people, and hang out with them in those spaces where your desire is recognised as healthy & beautiful. The modern world has helped us out with some apps that are designed for exactly that purpose.
posted by rd45 at 8:49 AM on August 11, 2023 [2 favorites]

WNBR like other examples of public or prankster or activist nudity can be sexy but it is not sexual. Streakers running across a football field aren’t sexual. Women sunbathing on a European beach generally aren’t there trying to perform sexuality. I suspect that the guy who joins a nudism club for all the sexy sexy sex sex is often greatly disappointed and/or outed quickly as a creep.

I think going into WNBR with a sexual mindset is a huge mistake and will make it difficult to meet other attendees and to just have fun. WNBR is goofy. All bodies look amazing on a bike and, yes, all body types will be present at WNBR. If you’re gawking at your types and averting your eyes at people who are not your type, you’re going to give off a creeper vibe.

That is, people just randomly nude on the street don’t look “hot” like people wearing revealing clothing look hot. There’s a reason why strippers at clubs have props and poles.

Which is to say, if you want a sexual experience of nudity, go to a strip club. If you want to be more used to casual nudity go to a hot spring or a WNBR
posted by Skwirl at 9:42 AM on August 11, 2023 [5 favorites]

I just read between the lines and it sounds like you’re maybe bi or pan, OP? There are so many resources for men who sleep with men to have all the things that you’re looking for. Maybe start looking into gay resources in your city and work your way up to being comfortable in visiting a bathhouse?
posted by Skwirl at 10:00 AM on August 11, 2023

I mean, the answer here is the age-old one - you date, probably with the apps, and find a mutually horny feminist and get in a long term relationship. They're out there! You spend time to get to know each other, and as you grow closer, in addition to sex, there will likely be the touching, cuddling and casual nudity you're looking for. (After decades of marriage, there can be more casual nudity than you'd ever imagine.) You discuss what each other is looking for sexually, roleplay fantasies, tactfully explore tastes in porn, talk about attitudes towards bringing other people into the relationship.

You go out as a couple with those couples in your phone directory for dinner or drinks, and one of them at some point is almost certainly going to tell you something like they're going to a convention in a few weeks about The Lifestyle. If you and your parter are interested, you can just say "oh, we've always wondered about that" and they will offer an invitation or make connections. If you're not interested in that kind of thing, you say "Sounds like fun! We're going to see Oppenheimer!" (If the opportunity never directly presents itself, it will likely be way easier as a couple to explore local clubs or groups that are into the kinds of things you two are into than it would be as a single dude. Going to something like the WNBR as a couple will almost certainly result in less weirdness than as a gawking single dude.)

So, I'm pretty sure you already know these things. Usually, with a question like this, there's some mention of failed attempts at dating or trying to line up sexual encounters - which is almost certainly the first step here to the things you're looking for. It's a little strange that there isn't. It's like... "what have you tried, what isn't working?" I think we're all trying to read between the lines to figure out what's going on.

One thing might be the desire for "hotties revealing fit bods". It is very likely that you will be able to find a partner and sexual encounters, but unless you have some sort of extraordinary magnetism that you would already be aware of, that partner probably is not going to be a "hottie with a fit bod", they'll probably be just another person with a mediocre bod. Scars and sags don't get in the way of intimacy or sexy times, and all of us get them eventually. Your standards might well be set too high and severely limiting potential mates.

You also mention that you're impulsive. But are you impulsive in thought, or in action? Those are very different things. Nearly everyone has impulsive sexual thoughts, weird fantasies, most of the human race is walking around all day with garbage going on inside their heads. But it's not what you think, it's what you do. Your Christian upbringing might be holding you back due to the feeling that your thoughts are shameful, even though your thoughts are just a private staging area that doesn't affect anything unless you convert them into action. That would be a great thing to explore in therapy.

There's also a notion expressed here that sexual desires are harmful to women or feminists in general, which just isn't true, unless you feel like you can't express your sexuality in a consensual way, which if that's the case would also be a great topic for therapy. There really are horny, kinky feminists out there of all different types, who might well be willing to explore your sexual desires with you so long as it involves respect, mutual consent. If the concern is that you think you'll want to keep looking at porn while in a relationship, that's not necessarily a dealbreaker, it's just something to be discussed to see where your partner's comfort level is. They may want to keep looking at porn too!

If all of those things, or just getting started on dating, are hindered by a core fear of rejection, again, that too is something for therapy. Best of luck.
posted by I EAT TAPAS at 10:29 AM on August 11, 2023 [11 favorites]

Is it my responsibility to protect the world from my sexual desires? From my sexuality?

Desires? No. You’ve taken the wrong lesson if you’re trying to control what you feel. It’s what we do with what we feel that matters.

Sexuality? That depends. If your sexuality includes non-consensual activities then it is absolutely your responsibility to not act on that part of it. Anything consensual is fair game, but as you know finding a partner can be difficult.

As far as change is concerned you absolutely can open up new horizons for yourself at any age, but it takes a whole lot of work. A therapist can be a great help there, but you’ll be doing the heavy lifting.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:36 AM on August 11, 2023 [3 favorites]

> Is it my responsibility to protect the world from my sexual desires? From my sexuality?

It's your responsibility to behave.

Context is king: you're totally free to act horny in contexts where it's okay to be horny. Like, it's cool to write "I'm just here to fuck!" on a dating app profile or chat. (no idea if this is an optimal strategy for fuck maximization, but I doubt it's an immoral one). It's okay to ask an app connection whether they'd like to meet IRL. Furthermore, it's cool to ask "may I kiss you?" during a close moment with a potential kissing friend, and once you're kissing, it's totally cool to ask about whatever sexy escalation you've got in mind.

note: it is absolutely essential to hold out for enthusiastic consent during sexy escalations -- not only does this ensure that your encounter is merrily consensual, but also it can help disarm that so-called feminist harm shame.

Shame can make it difficult to be frank and straightforward about what you want, and fear of rejection makes dating itself really really fraught, as dating is basically a filtration exercise. So you've got a couple things working against you here.

I'm no mental health pro and have no idea if this is a sound approach, but apps give you a massive opportunity to practice this stuff with other people who are also practicing this stuff. You're going to have lots of rejection to deal with on an app (in my experience) and the people rejecting you will likely be strangers who aren't going to be in your life going forward, which can make that rejection a little easier to process.
posted by Sauce Trough at 12:01 PM on August 11, 2023 [1 favorite]

I agree with the suggestion of therapy above.

One thing that hasn't been touched on above that I would like to nudge you on is the porn thing. That amount of time watching stuff can send really strong messages to your brain about what's normal. And, depending on what porn you're watching, that can lead to weird ideas about bodies, what sexual interactions "should" look like, and what is and is not a sexual situation. It may also be sexualizing your friends in ways that have the potential to make those relationships weird and awkward.

i am not saying don't watch porn. I'm not even saying watch less porn. I'm saying be mindful of what you're training your dick to respond to and that you're not setting yourself up for extra pain when the real world doesn't conform with what you've come to think of as normal sexuality.
posted by DebetEsse at 1:33 PM on August 11, 2023 [8 favorites]

Lots of folks are giving really great answers, and I nth the recommendations for therapy and a reframing, because I don't think the lesson should be that your desires are harmful (now, acting non-consensually on any desires is harmful, but that's about non-consent and not the desire). You can absolutely start to live more in alignment with what you want in life.

I also wanted to suggest something different. You said, I dream about texting half the folks in my phone something like "I'd love to hook up with you or you and your spouse. Got plans this Sunday?"

Instead, how about texting a few select folks in your phone something like, "Are you going to the world naked bike ride tomorrow? I'd really like to go and am looking for someone to go with." Not as a date or hook up, but as a friendly activity to see what it's like. You spoke a great deal about impulsive behaviors, but if you are confident you can behave respectfully, then why not find a friend and go to WNBR? Take baby steps towards seeing what another world is like. If this is the WNBR in Portland, there will be about 10,000 or so folks there from all walks of life, many of whom probably aren't naked in public except for this bike ride, and many of whom hardly ride bikes for WNBR. There will certainly be some folks you perceive as hotties, but there were also be even more folks you don't perceive as hotties, and that's all fine too. Just don't oogle, you know?
posted by bluedaisy at 3:09 PM on August 11, 2023

I have done the first two "levels"/workshops of HAI (and a couple's workshop), and you might want to ponder that or something like it. It's a space with nudity that talks about sex but asks you, at least at those levels, to not be sexual. It does provide a space that helps facilitate discussions around many of the issues you're struggling with, and offers up some tools for communicating about sexual desires with people, and might help you feel safer in having in-person conversations about such things.

And if they've got an intro evening near you, it's definitely worth the three hours of that.
posted by straw at 4:56 PM on August 11, 2023

+1 to the suggestion of therapy to help you work through your feelings of self-shame and your fear of rejection.

Overall, though, you sound like you would benefit from getting to know your local queer and kinky community. Make a Fetlife account and look for munches near you. Those are clothed, non-sexual meetups with queers and kinksters in a casual and public setting where you just get together to hang out and get to know each other. From there, attend events. Obey the rules. Resist the urge to throw yourself in at the deep end, but allow yourself to explore and enjoy the cuddly intimacy and the sexy intimacy. Keep going to therapy. Keep reminding yourself to be safe and to keep others safe.

My local kink community hosts nudist events at spas and saunas and occasionally nudist camps where the atmosphere is somewhere between casual nudity and, in the evenings and during specific times, sexualised nudity. It sounds like you might enjoy that. You'll probably discover a lot about yourself once you find these communities, and hopefully it will be beneficial. Good luck!
posted by fight or flight at 3:51 AM on August 12, 2023 [3 favorites]

> Is it my responsibility to protect the world from my sexual desires? From my sexuality?

This sounds like the sort of dilemma a superhero grapples with, where if he chooses wrong, he might become a supervillain. I wonder if the stakes maybe don't need to be as high as one person protecting the whole world.

Maybe the stakes are talking to the person in front of you and asking what their plans are Sunday? At some point asking if they'd like to go back to your place? Later, asking if it would be OK for you to take off your shirt? If those questions feel like they have the weight of the world on them, a question to bring to the therapist might be how to take the pressure off yourself.

Like you, I had a strict, religious upbringing. Even after moving to the other side of the ideological spectrum, I still have to remind myself that life is not a series of moral tests where the outcome matters greatly. I have wondered how to take the pressure off myself (because it makes me uptight) without falling completely apart and breaking bad, so to speak. I have benefitted from the works of Chuck DeGroat and Judson Brewer to help me reframe and recalibrate that.

> Are there feminist/lgbtq+ models of healthy male sexuality?

Do you read or watch romance? Bridgerton is on Netflix. Season 1 deals with questions of consent. In some sexy moments, the Duke is very good at asking his partner, "what do you want?" but he also struggles with shame that prevents him from asking for consent in an important way. Season 2 is about finding someone who shares an impulsive style. The Queen Charlotte spinoff also has a male protagonist who struggles with shame.
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 4:09 AM on August 15, 2023