Daughter's getting married; my dad won't be invited. When to share news?

August 6, 2023 6:42 AM

My dad and I had a big falling-out years ago and have worked our way back to a friendly but distant relationship. I need to let him know that my daughter is getting married this month, but am not sure when to tell him.

There won't be any drama about him not being invited. He sends birthday cards Christmas cards, but he hasn't seen my daughter since her 12th birthday (not coincidentally, the date of the falling-out). I haven't seen him in person since 2011.

That said, I think this may be a milestone that evokes sadness for him; he has some serious health challenges and has been struggling with approaching the end of his life.

I'm leaning towards sending him an email a few days ahead of time, but am also considering waiting until a few days after. Also wondering if sending a picture of the couple would be appreciated or feel like a jab that he wasn't there. I want to do the least amount of hurt (although I also wonder if he may not actually care that much about it). Your thoughts?

posted by Sweetie Darling to Human Relations (23 answers total)

I question the premise, that you need to let him know.
posted by falsedmitri at 6:45 AM on August 6, 2023 [47 favorites]

Also wondering if sending a picture of the couple would be appreciated or feel like a jab that he wasn't there.

He should probably be feeling those jabs already, since he hasn't been there all this time? I'd send a photo if you (AND your daughter) want to and not worry about that part.
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:55 AM on August 6, 2023 [2 favorites]

do you speak with him regularly? If so, and if it feels uncomfortable not to tell him, you can tell him after the fact. (How are you guys? Oh, well Daughter got married last month so that was a busy time...)

If your relationship is such that all you ever do is exchange emails, then I guess it's ok to do the after the fact thing in an email. ("We've had a busy month, Daughter got married, so that was busy but nice. It was a small and lovely ceremony. My calceolarias are blooming, and it's been hot...")
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:58 AM on August 6, 2023 [9 favorites]

Honestly, I would treat this the same way as an old acquaintance who you keep in touch with occasionally but don't have a deep relationship with (which is where it sounds like things stand with your father). Specifically, I would not mention it. If he brings it up, you can acknowledge it then (not sure if there's some sort of social media he has access to).

I say this as someone who has a similarly distant relationship with one parent (the other parent I'm completely no contact with). I don't have kids, but if I were getting married, I would not mention it to my parent.
posted by litera scripta manet at 6:58 AM on August 6, 2023 [2 favorites]

Does your daughter have any thoughts on how she wants her news shared? Is she doing wedding announcements afterwards and if so is she sending him one? If so I think you could consider just letting that be how he hears. You don’t necessarily need to mediate this.

If she doesn’t care at all given his absence in her life and wouldn’t otherwise tell him, then I would just mention it whenever you next speak to him, and offer to send pictures if he wants them.
posted by Stacey at 7:00 AM on August 6, 2023 [17 favorites]

I think that it's up to your daughter whether or not he's told.
posted by brujita at 7:29 AM on August 6, 2023 [17 favorites]

I think some answers are derailing so I'm going to come back to the question you asked: I would send him a message after the fact, when you have any kind of photo to attach. Whether that's bride & groom, or you and the bride, or a photo of the venue or the cake. Just something to symbolize the day.
posted by BlahLaLa at 8:33 AM on August 6, 2023 [1 favorite]

I’d tell him after, either formally in a wedding announcement (these conventions exist to share news with folks who aren’t invited) or less formally in an email. I’d rather hear good news after it happened than hear about an event I’m not invited to. I also think you can share it with friendliness but don’t need to make a huge deal out of it. A photo of the couple or the couple and you sounds great.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:50 AM on August 6, 2023 [6 favorites]

Does your daughter want her grandfather to know? Does she care if you tell him? This seems like a place where her desires actually are what matter.
posted by Alterscape at 8:52 AM on August 6, 2023 [7 favorites]

I would ask your daughter what her thoughts are. If she doesn’t have a preference, I think the best option is to let him know before. Is he aware that she’s coupled? Engaged? Seems like this would be expected if he has a general idea of what’s going on in her life.

If he doesn’t, seems that the impact should be small either way.
posted by jzb at 8:52 AM on August 6, 2023

Hi Dad, just wanted to let you know Daughter's getting married this month. Intended is a good guy; we're happy about this. Let me know if you'd like a picture.
The lack of details makes it clear there's no invite amd he can decide if he wants a picture. Unless there's a chance he'd get the details and show up, I'd let him know.
posted by theora55 at 9:33 AM on August 6, 2023 [2 favorites]

Don't ask your daughter what she wants. She has enough to deal with, pre-wedding as well as post-wedding, and this particular family schism is not something she should have to wrestle with. Other than that I agree with the recommendations that you tell him after the event, if you want to, just to ensure there's no drama.
posted by beagle at 9:43 AM on August 6, 2023 [2 favorites]

I wouldn't tell him at all at all...He sounds quite distant... Perhaps at a later date, if things become more civil, you could casually mention that she got married...
posted by Czjewel at 9:59 AM on August 6, 2023 [4 favorites]

Given your two options, I would email him after. I would tend to agree with the people saying it's your daughter's choice, but I also realise that depending on the exact nature of the falling out and their relationship prior to it, he may not even register as someone to whom her marriage is of any interest, in which case these are feelings you need to sort out on your own.
posted by hoyland at 11:05 AM on August 6, 2023 [2 favorites]

My vote is to include this information in whatever form of communication is normal for you. If you only send an email once a year, this info (with a photo) would go into that annual correspondence. I wouldn't feel like you need to make a big deal of this, despite it being a major life event for your daughter, given that it sounds like he doesn't know her very well.

I find the comments saying you need to ask your daughter's permission strange - it doesn't sound like she has any relationship or complicated feelings towards him, and people are allowed to share wedding photos - unless there is a no-photo policy, I think that's kinda assumed. I'd do whatever feels best to you, as this is your complicated relationship. Would you like to share this news with him? If so, go ahead.

Obviously you know him best, but I have a hard time seeing how "Hey Dad, I wanted to share with you the joy of your granddaughter's wedding last month" would be a source of hurt.
posted by coffeecat at 2:03 PM on August 6, 2023 [1 favorite]

I wouldn't tell him before, as it might be awkward if he misunderstood it as an invitation and you'd have to explicitly tell him it wasn't. I'd mention it in passing after the fact, the next time you talk or email.

Or, as bluedaisy suggested, send him a wedding announcement if you're doing those.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:22 PM on August 6, 2023 [2 favorites]

Why are you telling him instead of your daughter? I don't understand that. It's her news.
posted by Jane the Brown at 2:43 PM on August 6, 2023 [1 favorite]

It's impossible to know what's best for him, so you might as well do what's best for you or your daughter.
posted by amtho at 4:08 PM on August 6, 2023 [2 favorites]

I'd say to talk with your daughter about her wishes, and to do do it ASAP. It's her day, and she should make the call on this, if there's any potential for this to cause drama prior to or on the day itself. If she doesn't have an opinion, I think theora55's script is a good one.
posted by cupcakeninja at 6:33 PM on August 6, 2023

There is very much not enough information here...honestly.

But I presume your daughter is an adult who is making the adult decision to get married. Therefore she is in charge of the adult things such as sharing the news with whom she wants. If she doesn't speak to your father, then do not share the news on her behalf. If she does speak to him, then she should share the news IF she wants.

This isn't your news to share, really. And without further information, I don't see WHY he needs to know if he doesn't already.

If she has somehow ASKED you to share the news with him, then ask her how she wants to share it and when.

I am also very doubtful that there will be "no drama" with someone you had a falling out with. There's already drama.

As someone with family I've cut contact with... it was incredibly frustrating and violating to have them share information (and photos) on my behalf that I didn't want shared. Specifically of my wedding. It's a big reason I cut off the family members that shared that information, knowing that I wouldn't want them to. They saw me as their property and "the kid" when I was an adult who had made my own choices.
posted by Crystalinne at 8:38 PM on August 6, 2023 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: I'm so glad I asked!

I'm embarrassed that I hadn't asked my daughter to weigh in on this; AFAIK she and my dad have had no 1:1 contact in 17 years, beyond the aforementioned cards and the perfunctory thank-you notes that she may have stopped sending once she was old enough for me to not nag her about them. I suspect she won't care either way, but I appreciate everyone who brought up the importance of discussing this with her - as well as confirming her preferences for whether/ how we share the news and pictures on social media, etc.

FWIW, I'm leaning towards an email a day or so after. They're not doing printed announcements and there are folks on both sides of the family who won't be invited but would enjoy getting an update. I can include Dad on the bcc list and feel like I've met my obligation (assuming this is ok with the couple).

Thanks, all!
posted by Sweetie Darling at 5:37 AM on August 7, 2023 [3 favorites]

FWIW, I'm leaning towards an email a day or so after. They're not doing printed announcements and there are folks on both sides of the family who won't be invited but would enjoy getting an update. I can include Dad on the bcc list and feel like I've met my obligation (assuming this is ok with the couple).

This seems like a great solution, and I'd say you can even wait a week or more (because I suspect you'll have visitors and plenty going on at wedding time?). This isn't an urgent update that must be shared right away. And instead of thinking of it as wedding announcement, think of as a marriage announcement, with emphasis on the relationship rather than ceremony.

"I'm delighted to share that [Daughter] married [Partner] on [Date]. The two [met in college/while birdwatching/during a trip/blah blah blah] and [spent two weeks in Aruba; will be moving to Peru; some other pleasant but not overly personal detail]. I'm thrilled that they've tied the knot and wanted to share the good news with you, too." Attach a photo of them, whether a wedding photo or just a happy couple photo. And ta-da! You're done.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:12 PM on August 7, 2023

Well, I'm a daughter who is currently planning a wedding and had parents with semi-estranged family members. I find the idea that it's exclusively "my news to share" pretty bizarre. It's not? Past the initial couple days of engagement announcements, it's public information. When my parent remarried a few years ago I certainly didn't ask their permission to tell anyone.

In my case I proactively asked my parents if I should invite their relatives. It'd be nice if they shared the news, but I don't really care and it didn't occur to any of us to discuss it. Obviously your daughter might feel differently, so there's no harm in asking. Just don't offload your relationship with your dad on her.
posted by umwelt at 8:37 AM on August 11, 2023 [1 favorite]