Help me survive a work team that has a different communication style
July 23, 2023 12:50 PM Subscribe
I am on a team of women at work who have a very confrontational style and I am not the same. I've realized that unless I adopt a similar style, they will never give me the chance to speak. This is a big adjustment for me since I am an introvert and it is causing me a lot of stress that is bleeding outside into my life.
I am on a team undergoing a reorg, in a bureaucratic environment where about half have been there for 5 years plus and the other half are new. There does not seem to be any change management plan or tactics to bring everyone together. I think this is because everyone is currently very overworked, including our director who is technically supposed to be retired and has health issues.
The issue I am facing is that, I believe these women are extroverts, they have no filter to what they say, don't use discretion when speaking, and don't have any professional or personal boundaries between each other since they have known each other for years.
To be clear - I know there's nothing wrong with this. These are fabulous, kind women who I'm happy to be among. It's the stress level I'm trying to work out.
I am not neurotypical. I know I am an introvert, have anxiety, and prefer to keep my personal life and professional life separate. Do I need to develop a persona that can appease these extroverts while protecting my inner energies? Thought of needing to do this sounds completely exhausting.
I do know for a fact that they really really want me to stay. They are investing in training for me, getting me fully kitted out to do this technical and strategic role really well. So far, I've gotten everything I've asked for.
Another issue I'm facing is - when I do provide my take on the technical and strategic advice that I was hired to perform, no matter what I say it seems to ruffle feathers. I know the director's mind is brimming with ideas but I simply have not been able to intuit what they are or the direction she wants to go.
The third issue is my boss. She is a wonderful, charming woman with a ton of originality and when I started working with her, I adored her. The first problem is, she has no professional boundaries and acts as if she's known me for years, casually asking personal information and prying into my life with no sense of discretion, even spreading gossip about other coworkers with me. I know it's because she likes and trusts me and at first I was okay with it. But lately it came to a head and I just can't take it anymore because she's in a position of power over me and it feels like she is abusing it. I told her I was feeling safe and she took responsibility and apologized, which I really appreciate.
The other problem is, she's wishy-washy to the extreme, changing her mind mid sentence and then starting a new sentence where she changes her mind again, and she also seem to be prone to avoiding work, ie: leaving on vacation and not briefing people on what they're supposed to do while she's gone. She's brand new to management and I can see she's struggling with the stress of it and I do have a lot of compassion there. But I simply cannot do her job for her and make decisions about division of work, workflow, processes with clients, job responsibilities. And so I'm developing a resentment due to the increased workload falling on me which should be her job. Is this something I can address with her or something I must keep quiet about?
The other other problem is a young coworker who acts like a diva and throws tantrums to get what she wants but is considered high performing and is thus beloved by management. I'm suppoosed to collaborate with her but I really can't stand these types of personalities and I'm worried she's also threatened by me (i'm 35) and will try to sabotage or exclude me.
TL;DR: I'm a new member on a team of confrontational women who have known each other for 5 years plus. I am an introvert, analytical, strategic, rational, single and no kids, and not prone to conformity, and other women are very often threatened by that, and so I feel I have a target on my back. My boss, who I am quite sure is just a good person struggling with new responsibilities, has no filter and no boundaries and pries into my personal life. I am now paranoid I will face exclusion and other sabotaging acts due to my differences and my fierce individuality. How can I make this work for everyone including myself?
I am on a team undergoing a reorg, in a bureaucratic environment where about half have been there for 5 years plus and the other half are new. There does not seem to be any change management plan or tactics to bring everyone together. I think this is because everyone is currently very overworked, including our director who is technically supposed to be retired and has health issues.
The issue I am facing is that, I believe these women are extroverts, they have no filter to what they say, don't use discretion when speaking, and don't have any professional or personal boundaries between each other since they have known each other for years.
To be clear - I know there's nothing wrong with this. These are fabulous, kind women who I'm happy to be among. It's the stress level I'm trying to work out.
I am not neurotypical. I know I am an introvert, have anxiety, and prefer to keep my personal life and professional life separate. Do I need to develop a persona that can appease these extroverts while protecting my inner energies? Thought of needing to do this sounds completely exhausting.
I do know for a fact that they really really want me to stay. They are investing in training for me, getting me fully kitted out to do this technical and strategic role really well. So far, I've gotten everything I've asked for.
Another issue I'm facing is - when I do provide my take on the technical and strategic advice that I was hired to perform, no matter what I say it seems to ruffle feathers. I know the director's mind is brimming with ideas but I simply have not been able to intuit what they are or the direction she wants to go.
The third issue is my boss. She is a wonderful, charming woman with a ton of originality and when I started working with her, I adored her. The first problem is, she has no professional boundaries and acts as if she's known me for years, casually asking personal information and prying into my life with no sense of discretion, even spreading gossip about other coworkers with me. I know it's because she likes and trusts me and at first I was okay with it. But lately it came to a head and I just can't take it anymore because she's in a position of power over me and it feels like she is abusing it. I told her I was feeling safe and she took responsibility and apologized, which I really appreciate.
The other problem is, she's wishy-washy to the extreme, changing her mind mid sentence and then starting a new sentence where she changes her mind again, and she also seem to be prone to avoiding work, ie: leaving on vacation and not briefing people on what they're supposed to do while she's gone. She's brand new to management and I can see she's struggling with the stress of it and I do have a lot of compassion there. But I simply cannot do her job for her and make decisions about division of work, workflow, processes with clients, job responsibilities. And so I'm developing a resentment due to the increased workload falling on me which should be her job. Is this something I can address with her or something I must keep quiet about?
The other other problem is a young coworker who acts like a diva and throws tantrums to get what she wants but is considered high performing and is thus beloved by management. I'm suppoosed to collaborate with her but I really can't stand these types of personalities and I'm worried she's also threatened by me (i'm 35) and will try to sabotage or exclude me.
TL;DR: I'm a new member on a team of confrontational women who have known each other for 5 years plus. I am an introvert, analytical, strategic, rational, single and no kids, and not prone to conformity, and other women are very often threatened by that, and so I feel I have a target on my back. My boss, who I am quite sure is just a good person struggling with new responsibilities, has no filter and no boundaries and pries into my personal life. I am now paranoid I will face exclusion and other sabotaging acts due to my differences and my fierce individuality. How can I make this work for everyone including myself?
You have a problem with literally everyone on this team, which does not bode well. For the young coworker, she hasn't done anything to you, and yet you are talking about her deliberately sabotaging your work. It seems like your anxiety about all these interactions may have you in a hypervigilant state.
Can you start small by letting co workers know your needs? "I really admire you and I think this team is great, but I'm an introvert and like to keep personal things private. I'm worried my quietness and privateness will be taken the wrong way, and I really want to be a part of the team."
posted by Ausamor at 1:32 PM on July 23, 2023 [6 favorites]
Can you start small by letting co workers know your needs? "I really admire you and I think this team is great, but I'm an introvert and like to keep personal things private. I'm worried my quietness and privateness will be taken the wrong way, and I really want to be a part of the team."
posted by Ausamor at 1:32 PM on July 23, 2023 [6 favorites]
Best answer: If your remit is strategic, then you can't really get out of ruffling feathers. That's the job they've asked you to do! It's a very boring strategy that doesn't shake things up in a way that makes some people feel uncomfortable. The good news is that if they have a "confrontational style" then they're already accustomed to working through disagreements with people. You might find it uncomfortable, but it's way better than people who disagree and are too polite to say so and just ignore you or sabotage you instead.
About managers who don't do their jobs: The trick is to figure out what subset of that is affecting your ability to do your job (so, not stuff that's just annoying). Then go say to her something like "Without a decision on X I'm blocked on Y, how would you like me to handle that?". The more senior you get, the more critical it is to manage up effectively, and communicate about what you need in order to be effective.
You do have to prepared for the possibility that she's unable or unwilling to do those things, in which case you just have to decide whether you're prepared to do it yourself (or share it out with your peers) or muddle along without it.
posted by quacks like a duck at 2:13 PM on July 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
About managers who don't do their jobs: The trick is to figure out what subset of that is affecting your ability to do your job (so, not stuff that's just annoying). Then go say to her something like "Without a decision on X I'm blocked on Y, how would you like me to handle that?". The more senior you get, the more critical it is to manage up effectively, and communicate about what you need in order to be effective.
You do have to prepared for the possibility that she's unable or unwilling to do those things, in which case you just have to decide whether you're prepared to do it yourself (or share it out with your peers) or muddle along without it.
posted by quacks like a duck at 2:13 PM on July 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
On the social front, try giving non-answers to questions that ask for too much detail about your life. Examples -
Coworker: So how was your weekend? Do anything fun?
You: It was quiet, nothing much happened.
Coworker: Hey, I found out that the fungus in my toenails needs to be treated by antibiotics!
You: OK, I hope you get better soon.
After several rounds of dull responses, people will get the message you're not interested in socialising, and won't bother you with TMI questions.
posted by wandering zinnia at 3:50 PM on July 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
Coworker: So how was your weekend? Do anything fun?
You: It was quiet, nothing much happened.
Coworker: Hey, I found out that the fungus in my toenails needs to be treated by antibiotics!
You: OK, I hope you get better soon.
After several rounds of dull responses, people will get the message you're not interested in socialising, and won't bother you with TMI questions.
posted by wandering zinnia at 3:50 PM on July 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
I am now paranoid I will face exclusion and other sabotaging acts due to my differences and my fierce individuality.
Very, very, very reasonable fear. I've been That Person. I do not recommend it. Like, all of this sounds bad enough that I think you may need to look for another job if you are THAT much of a mismatch in personality between the rest of them and you.
Do I need to develop a persona that can appease these extroverts while protecting my inner energies?
Yes, that's what I'm thinking from reading this.
You put a looooooooooot of problems with people here, but it sounds like this is a loud bunch that's bluntly honest and blurts out their criticisms and critiques. If this is what you do, match them. Copy them. Imitate them. You can't beat them (you're outnumbered and as you've pointed out, this is their long set up dynamic), you need to join them.
As for the director and the boss lady: if she doesn't know for herself, nobody else is going to know either.
I have no way to get nosey people not to be nosey, though. Be careful about what you disclose, I suppose, but that may be about it.
Honestly, reading all of this, "find a new job/team" sounds like the only reasonable answer. If you are THIS DRASTIC of a mismatch and you super dislike the diva and nobody knows what to tell you decision-wise and everyone else is brash and nosey and you can't stand that....
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:53 PM on July 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
Very, very, very reasonable fear. I've been That Person. I do not recommend it. Like, all of this sounds bad enough that I think you may need to look for another job if you are THAT much of a mismatch in personality between the rest of them and you.
Do I need to develop a persona that can appease these extroverts while protecting my inner energies?
Yes, that's what I'm thinking from reading this.
You put a looooooooooot of problems with people here, but it sounds like this is a loud bunch that's bluntly honest and blurts out their criticisms and critiques. If this is what you do, match them. Copy them. Imitate them. You can't beat them (you're outnumbered and as you've pointed out, this is their long set up dynamic), you need to join them.
As for the director and the boss lady: if she doesn't know for herself, nobody else is going to know either.
I have no way to get nosey people not to be nosey, though. Be careful about what you disclose, I suppose, but that may be about it.
Honestly, reading all of this, "find a new job/team" sounds like the only reasonable answer. If you are THIS DRASTIC of a mismatch and you super dislike the diva and nobody knows what to tell you decision-wise and everyone else is brash and nosey and you can't stand that....
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:53 PM on July 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: The extrovert women sound kind of awesome to me - fabulous and kind is a good start. I don't think they would necessarily expect you to act like them. Extroverts usually LIKE introverts, it's nice to be around someone who listens more than they talk.
You can try giving feedback to the extroverts in writing so you have more time to formulate what you want to say and can deliver it in a measured, uninterrupted, asynchronous way.
Or you could give verbal feedback but start with a smiley, "I'd like to share some feedback. Just to help me with train of thought, may I request a few minutes to speak completely uninterrupted? And then we can go back to a more informal conversational style to discuss. Thanks!" I'm an extrovert and this wouldn't offend me.
The good thing about blunt and brash people is that they can also usually handle direct requests. (Great time to link to Ask vs Guess culture. Extroverts are a bit more likely to be "Askers", and you sound like a "Guesser". While it can be uncomfortable to shift to the other mode of thinking, in your case, it may be reassuring to know that things that may seem overly blunt or direct to you, may very well be seen by your team as "refreshingly clear" or "admirably assertive" and actually get you what you want. Don't be apologetic and don't be emotional, just be pleasant and smiley while you ask for exactly what you want. And make sure to do it BEFORE you feel frustrated - don't let it feel like a "punishment" that you "finally chose to be direct", if that makes sense. Just be direct from an early point in the process - think of it as a form of respect - and start before you're grumpy and annoyed!
Might work with boss, too, just very directly say what you need.: "Hi Boss, I know you have a vacation planned in 2 weeks so I'm trying to plan ahead so things tick along smoothly! While you're gone, I was thinking I should work on A, B, C, and D, and we can leave E, F, and G till you come back. Does that work for you? In the past there was a bit of a hiccup when the H and I were interrupted by J and K. My suggestion is that we LMNOP to avoid that. Let me know if you approve - I'm happy to put it into motion. Thanks!"
Boss also sounds kind of ADHD at a glance, so reading a bit about that neurotype may help. Not trying to diagnose this person I've never met, but regardless of a formal diagnosis, strategies that work for some may also work for her.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:08 PM on July 23, 2023 [8 favorites]
You can try giving feedback to the extroverts in writing so you have more time to formulate what you want to say and can deliver it in a measured, uninterrupted, asynchronous way.
Or you could give verbal feedback but start with a smiley, "I'd like to share some feedback. Just to help me with train of thought, may I request a few minutes to speak completely uninterrupted? And then we can go back to a more informal conversational style to discuss. Thanks!" I'm an extrovert and this wouldn't offend me.
The good thing about blunt and brash people is that they can also usually handle direct requests. (Great time to link to Ask vs Guess culture. Extroverts are a bit more likely to be "Askers", and you sound like a "Guesser". While it can be uncomfortable to shift to the other mode of thinking, in your case, it may be reassuring to know that things that may seem overly blunt or direct to you, may very well be seen by your team as "refreshingly clear" or "admirably assertive" and actually get you what you want. Don't be apologetic and don't be emotional, just be pleasant and smiley while you ask for exactly what you want. And make sure to do it BEFORE you feel frustrated - don't let it feel like a "punishment" that you "finally chose to be direct", if that makes sense. Just be direct from an early point in the process - think of it as a form of respect - and start before you're grumpy and annoyed!
Might work with boss, too, just very directly say what you need.: "Hi Boss, I know you have a vacation planned in 2 weeks so I'm trying to plan ahead so things tick along smoothly! While you're gone, I was thinking I should work on A, B, C, and D, and we can leave E, F, and G till you come back. Does that work for you? In the past there was a bit of a hiccup when the H and I were interrupted by J and K. My suggestion is that we LMNOP to avoid that. Let me know if you approve - I'm happy to put it into motion. Thanks!"
Boss also sounds kind of ADHD at a glance, so reading a bit about that neurotype may help. Not trying to diagnose this person I've never met, but regardless of a formal diagnosis, strategies that work for some may also work for her.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:08 PM on July 23, 2023 [8 favorites]
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Your first question, "Do I need to develop a persona that can appease these extroverts while protecting my inner energies?" I'm not sure why you're asking this - is it that you're worried if you don't act similar to them, they won't respect you? Listen to you? If I'm reading you right, it's the latter - I think that could be addressed to your boss, maybe suggest that it would be usually to occasionally go around and give everyone a chance to speak, so that way not just the loudest people get heard.
2. Another issue I'm facing is - when I do provide my take on the technical and strategic advice that I was hired to perform, no matter what I say it seems to ruffle feathers.
I'd try to clarify whether that's actually the case - I know it depends on the workplace, but sometimes disagreement is just part of the process of getting to the endpoint. I might go to your boss and say "Perhaps I'm wrong, but I'm worried that every time I offer advice it doesn't go over well - am I misunderstanding my role or is this normal here?"
3. It sounds like you solved the first problem with your boss - you didn't like how she was asking about your personal life, you told her, she apologized. So, problem solved, yah?
4. But I simply cannot do her job for her and make decisions about division of work, workflow, processes with clients, job responsibilities. And so I'm developing a resentment due to the increased workload falling on me which should be her job. Is this something I can address with her or something I must keep quiet about?
I guess I just wouldn't do her job for her. If there is a workflow jam because she hasn't decided something, that's not your problem - can you not just politely alert her to the fact of it?
5. I'm supposed to collaborate with her but I really can't stand these types of personalities and I'm worried she's also threatened by me (i'm 35) and will try to sabotage or exclude me.
Why would she be threatened by you? That seems a bit paranoid on your part, unless there is something you aren't sharing? I also don't like melodramatic people, but I would just be as un-dramatic as possible around her. I wouldn't worry about her until there is actually a problem.
posted by coffeecat at 1:27 PM on July 23, 2023 [11 favorites]