Wherever you go there you are--Newish Parents Edition
July 4, 2023 6:57 AM   Subscribe

As you can see from my last Ask, I have been contemplating where/how to live now that we have a kid. Somehow this question has kindof eclipsed all other questions. I have been lonely since becoming a parent to a young child (yes, have joined neighborhood parents' group and have tried to meet parents through work since all of our pre-kid friends are child free). And have become very preoccupied with whether moving closer to family would help.

My husband and I both have family in the Cincinnati area and live in Chicago now. If we lived there, I imagine we would see family every weekend rather than endless hours each weekend playing with our kid in our apartment/ walking around the neighborhood/seeing a childfree friend for a drink every few weekends. I don't have super deep/meaningful conversations with family there, but they love and support us and like watching our kid grow. That sounds like a lot right now.

The thing is, I have been kindof lonely throughout adult life (except college). I have lots of close friends but they are spread across the country now. We keep in touch very regularly. But it doesn't seem to alleviate the need for in person experiences.

We have talked about trying to find an "ecovillage" or cohousing arrangement, but those can be tough to find in the Midwest. Especially in a place with any economic/racial diversity, which matters to us.

If you are someone who felt lonely after a kid/kids and decided to move, how did it go for you? If you moved to be closer to family after having a kiddo, how was that?

Basically I am afraid my brain is trying to offer a long term geographic solution to something that is perhaps a short term problem or at least maybe not a geography problem (and maybe just an eternal problem for me). Any insight into that concern is appreciated!
posted by Sophiaverde to Human Relations (16 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
I felt lonely and also stifled by the social offerings aimed at parents with babies, so I moved to a bigger city where I had one sister but not family in general. For me, it solved the problem. My sister was enough - to have someone to text with about daily life things in the same area (weather, street closures, etc.) and to meet for easy outings at a park or cafe. The city provided all the rest - more neighborhoods, playgrounds, libraries, people-watching. We moved again when it became unaffordable. By then, the kid was school-aged and was ready for travel, swimming, martial arts, etc., so there were fewer empty hours to fill. The friends we have made since then are better friends, too, since now they are based on interests and other commonalities.
posted by xo at 7:11 AM on July 4, 2023


I do feel like this is a bit of a short-term problem in that once your child is old enough for preschool, you will have a dramatically expanded range of opportunities to meet and socialize with other parents. Artificial and sporadic parents’ groups are very different from seeing the same families twice a day.

That said, it’s hard to overstate the quality-of-life benefits of having trusted and free childcare readily available in the, say, 10-year window between when you’re comfortable leaving them with someone and when you’re comfortable leaving them alone. I would consider this move as much for logistics as for loneliness.
posted by staggernation at 7:41 AM on July 4, 2023 [11 favorites]


We moved to live near family when my daughter was five. Great move.

They were a huge support when my husband got sick, I never could have managed on my own. We also had a lot of fun socializing at family parties.

It was a financial disaster to move back but we managed.
posted by shock muppet at 8:05 AM on July 4, 2023


seeing a childfree friend for a drink every few weekends

I'm reading between the lines here, so perhaps I'm wrong, but are you assuming your child-free friends won't want/be able to change how they spend time with you? I'm child-free by choice, and have a number of friends who have had their first kid in the last three years. I have no problem with the fact that now most hangouts need to be baby/toddler friendly, or that sometimes en route to a restaurant or whatnot I get a text like "Ugh, toddler having meltdown, cool if we order carryout and hang out at my place?" I'm sure there are some child-free people out there unwilling to adapt or who refuse to engage at all with their friends' kids, but definitely don't assume that (if you are) - many of us presume our friendships will need to do so, and are happy to accommodate our friends.
posted by coffeecat at 9:05 AM on July 4, 2023 [9 favorites]


If you moved to Cincinnati, who would you spend time with and how realistic is that? This can be really hard to judge but it would be incredibly disappointing to move all that way, and then find that you're not really seeing family all that frequently even though you're closer.
posted by plonkee at 10:22 AM on July 4, 2023 [1 favorite]


I didn't move out of loneliness (I was lonely but that was the least of my problems with my high needs infant) but I COINCIDENTALLY moved closer to my family and it was an enormous benefit. They were a sort of default socialization option even though we weren't super close, and they helped with child care and random projects.

Think about what you have KEEPING you in Chicago though. Close friends (even if you don't get to see them much now)? Cultural opportunities you care about a lot? Better political alignment? If there isn't much on the list then you might as well try something different; you can always go back. If there's a lot though you could try putting in more effort to improve your social circle there, just as you would if you moved (because you would want local friends as well as family).
posted by metasarah at 10:50 AM on July 4, 2023 [1 favorite]


This is where putting your child in daycare for a few days a week would help. For the child, and for you to make parent friends. It takes time, but eventually your weekends will be filled with activities, playdates and birthday parties, and you will not have a spare moment to just chill.
posted by moiraine at 11:50 AM on July 4, 2023


Response by poster: Just wanted to add context--kiddo is in daycare three days a week. We do occasionally see the same parents at drop off and pick up, but that hasn't led to friends. But maybe once he is birthday-party-age things will change.
posted by Sophiaverde at 12:41 PM on July 4, 2023


If you know the children whom your kid plays with, you can contact their parent to arrange a play date. Sometimes you will click with the parents and sometimes you won’t. That’s okay. There’s a lot of trial and error in the process. Making friends is hard, even parent friends. Yes being around family is nice, but if there are reasons for you to stay, then explore these options. Good news is that you can bring your husband along and both of you can make parent friends together.
posted by moiraine at 1:14 PM on July 4, 2023


Family can absolutely fill this social niche. But is this family that have young kids, too? Or is it, say, your parents or grandparents or aunts and uncles but no little kids? Maybe that would work for you, but it sounds like you specifically want parent friends and that's worth seeking out.

Some of the advice for making parent friends is the same as making regular adult friends. You have the context (daycare), but you also have to talk with the people, beyond just pleasantries. Ask they about themselves, their kid, where they get X product, what they do for X vacation day or what summer plans are. Ask what playgrounds they like to go to or if they've checked out a child friendly location like a children's museum. Then see if they want to meet up at a playground (low key playdate!). Does the daycare do anything to facilitate this? My toddler is in a daycare that is also part of a school, so there are school-wide events, like picnics and celebrations and classroom visits, which helps give additional times to talk with the parents. A handful of the families invite the whole class for birthday parties, so that can vary within a toddler group.

This is something I struggle with a lot. It's an active process that involves not just making social niceties but also being the person to step forward and suggest and facilitate plans. It also helps to broaden your field. I agree that daycare/preschool/school is one good place for making parent friends; do you have any other outlets? Parent centers with playgroups, library storytimes and events (summer reading is happening now with lots of fun programs), religious org with children's programming, local farmer's market, neighborhood playground are the places I meet other families. Again, this is something that requires active input. It is work, it is hard, parents are tired and busy people and we've all lost our social skills over the pandemic. I hope this does not sound really dispiriting; the work is worth it! Once you start making those connections, it feels so good to hang out with other families and parents and continue to build those friendships! I suspect that unless your family fills this social niche for you (e.g. siblings/cousins/etc with kids, especially young kids), a move would just put you right where you currently are, just with a few options for hanging out with other adults. If you do move, don't do it with the primary aim of making parent friends. Move if it works better for you in other ways.
posted by carrioncomfort at 1:15 PM on July 4, 2023 [2 favorites]


my experience is that there is no amount of "kid's friend's parent"-type new acquaintances that will fill the niche of family. And my advice would be 100% to move nearer to your family.

It's not just loneliness that's the issue, although that is real, and serious, and can take a real and serious toll on both your mental health and your marriage. It's also the security layer of having more people who love you around for emergencies and unexpected changes.

Just as an example off the top of my head: my career has never recovered from the damage done to it during a pivotal period at work when my childcare became unreliable.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:31 PM on July 4, 2023


Yeah, cousins! I have six grandkids ranging in age from 1 to 22, in three different families, and they all live in the same town and really love each other in spite of age differences. So, if moving back means your kid will have cousins in addition to grandparents and aunts and uncles that would be a huge plus. Also, if any of your lifelong friends are there and they have kids they all become cousins.
posted by mareli at 2:17 PM on July 4, 2023 [3 favorites]


You said you’ve been lonely since having your kid but also that you’ve been lonely a lot of adult life since college. It sounds like you’re missing the vibrancy of regular interactions with peers. I’d try to focus on figuring out how to cultivate community and connection, whether in Chicago or back home. Where are the busy playgrounds? Where are parents out walking with their little kids? It doesn’t have to be a formal cohousing arrangement to be a place with young families.

But I do want to validate that parenting a young child can be somewhat lonely. I’d try to focus on finding a regular activity where there are other parents with little ones.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:04 AM on July 5, 2023


We moved to an outlying suburb of London where my wife's parents, sister, brother, and two close cousins live. They're all in 10 minute drive radius and two of them are within easy walking distance. Also, many of her friends live in this area.

It was by no means my first choice of places to live for many reasons but was in retrospect absolutely the right choice for us with a very young child. Our son spends one day a week with his grandparents while my wife and I work.

seeing a childfree friend for a drink every few weekends

This stood out to me. My wife and I have at least one night a week each where we go out with our respective friends, do a hobby activity, go for after work drinks, whatever, and one night a week where we go out together and a family member of close friend watches our son, and one day or evening where we go out with him. Sometimes it's more, my wife was out three times last week and it's not unusual for one of us to do that.

We also have a day each week that each of us is London for work and that is also used to meet friends for breakfast or lunch.

A single meeting with a friend every few weekends sounds like a very light schedule of socialising.
posted by atrazine at 8:41 AM on July 5, 2023


Just wanted to add that we live in fairly central London and have absolutely made parent friends whom we can rely for emergencies. It takes effort, initiative, and time, but there are ways of building communities of people around you that you can rely on. We are not 100% there yet, but we know people who have traveled with their parent friends and gone on holiday with them. No, they are not family, but in some ways better in their perspectives and outlook on life.
posted by moiraine at 9:47 AM on July 5, 2023 [1 favorite]


I moved to a place where I had many friends (away from a place where I also had friends but didn't want to live any more) and... well, they already had friends and social lives and jobs, and as happy as we were to see each other I ended up making new friends anyway. Now that our kids are older I see those old friends and it's great, but during those busy little-kid years there's no guarantee that you'll be seeing people just because you've known them a long time. I had to find friends whose schedules worked with mine, and who could accept a bit o' neurospiciness in the playgroup.

So move if you want, but don't presume everyone in the new city is available to fill the gap in your social life. Maybe they are! But it's not guaranteed.
posted by The corpse in the library at 12:22 PM on July 5, 2023


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