What do people really mean when they say something is “distracting”?

June 15, 2023 10:58 AM

I just read this comment on Ask A Manager, and it reminded me that people have said similar things to me: “I tried knitting when I was a Peace Corps volunteer and had to sit through 8-hour sessions without an agenda. I was told that my knitting was “distracting” – by a woman who had a three-months-old baby attached to her naked bosom.”

I’ve been told things I’m doing are “distracting” before, and while I wish I had specific examples, my memory doesn’t work that way, so all I know is that they were along those lines - knitting, doodling, etc.

Since I find every little thing in my environment distracting, I’m used to paying attention while being distracted. I would find a person knitting, doodling, or a similar quiet activity much less distracting than the background hum of an appliance or the clothes I’m wearing. This leads me to believe that “distracting” is simply code for “I don’t like it”, or something along those lines… but maybe they genuinely are saying “this distracts me too much to pay attention?”

posted by wheatlets to Human Relations (34 answers total)

It's code for this is not a typical "professional" looking way to be in a meeting, which is ableist and bullshit.
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 11:02 AM on June 15, 2023 [25 favorites]

Maybe it's the constant movement in the person's sight line? If I was going to knit in a group setting like the Peace Corps example I would sit at the back so my needle movements and yarn tugging and flipping the piece over would not draw attention ie distract people. Doodling would not be as active as that I don't think.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 11:07 AM on June 15, 2023 [32 favorites]

As part of my hypervigilance (thanks PTSD) some days I need to track any motion that is going on around me. I’ve been in meetings where people are knitting and it split my attention, thus being distracting.

However, that is my problem and not the knitters.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:11 AM on June 15, 2023 [24 favorites]

I am not distracted by appliances humming or my clothes, but would definitely look over at someone's knitting to see how it's going. Wouldn't look over at someone nursing simply because I want to give them privacy. If i was a lecturer/instructor then my thoughts would definitely be distracted about why someone is knitting... I would wonder: is the session too boring? Is anyone else looking at the knitting and not paying attention to me? Are people wishing they brought an activity with them?

I'm definitely not trying to pick on you or your knitting specifically. If someone brought a book to read or was playing a game on their phone or drawing and the seats were arranged in a U shape (versus me sitting behind them in rows) I would also be glancing over at them and wondering what they're doing, so yes, it's distracting in the sense that attention is taken away from the speaker. Whether that matters or not is dependent on the content and setting, of course.

I do agree that feeding a child during a session can be distracting, depending on the content of the lesson and the snack and the child... but babies can't really wait to eat so I feel like nursing gets a bit of a free pass compared to a 5 year old needing a snack.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 11:12 AM on June 15, 2023 [6 favorites]

Best answer: Some things are distracting because they're genuinely intrusive: a dripping faucet, the buzz of a malfunctioning light fixture, etc.

Some things are "distracting" because the observer is judgmental and has a notion of how things "should" be, and is overly consumed with thoughts about how it's "wrong". These are the sorts of things that really ought to be resolved with a dose of "mind your own business" and a healthy respect for others. However, the observers tend to be the ones in power, so there's little recourse.

"Your fidgeting/stimming is distracting" is just the ableist version of telling a high school girl that her tank-top is "distracting," rather than expecting other people to behave and not sexually harass the girl.

A loud click of knitting needles could be distracting. Knowing that your co-worker is knitting is only "distracting".
posted by explosion at 11:13 AM on June 15, 2023 [23 favorites]

I find knitting very distracting. The quick rhythmic movements, occasional clacking, and the progress being made are all things that I can't look away from. Doodling is less distracting to me unless I can completely see what someone is drawing (and then I'll get similarly engaged) because it's close enough to "taking notes" for me to dismiss as unremarkable.
posted by TwoStride at 11:15 AM on June 15, 2023 [25 favorites]

There is no way for you to know whether someone is truly distracted or using it as an excuse. Either way, there are things that may be distracting but which the person has a right to do. At the extreme, someone may be truly distracted by a sign-language interpreter or by a short skirt, but it would still be absurd to object to either of those. At the other extreme, I would definitely ask someone who was continually loudly slurping from a cup to quite down. Most actions, like knitting, are less clear-cut and are best handled with an extremely polite good-faith discussion.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 11:24 AM on June 15, 2023 [10 favorites]

The question is, distracting to whom? I've been around enough knitters to know that they seem to be to do it without much conscious thought, but even knowing that, it still seems to me that it would require some thought on their part. If I saw someone knitting while I was presenting, I'd still think that they were thinking more about knitting than about listening to my presentation - i.e., I'd think it was distracting *them*.
posted by kevinbelt at 11:31 AM on June 15, 2023 [2 favorites]

Assuming good faith on the part of the person commenting:

I think most of us agree that noises can be distracting, by which I mean they can take our attention away from the thing we'd prefer to pay attention to, causing our focus to be disrupted or split in a way we find unpleasant or even frustrating.

For me personally, things moving in my field of view are that way too. I absolutely can't carry on a conversation if there's a TV on in my view, even if it's silent. If I go to a restaurant with TVs, and I want to have a conversation with my friend, I absolutely must find a seat pointing away from the TV. Otherwise its flashing and blinking draw me in and I end up staring at it silently. I am not usually around TVs much so this kind of blinking and motion is something my brain sees as special and worthy of attention. I do notice that a lot of people can ignore it, no problem. I see this as just a quirk about me, it's a little annoying sometimes, and I have ways of dealing with it, like choosing the right seat.

I guess I can imagine that knitting can be this kind of thing too, for someone else. It's a matter of degree, right? When picking a place to eat I like to recommend places without TVs. But I personally wouldn't comment on knitting or nursing. Others might act differently and still be acting in good faith.

But someone can also use those same words in bad faith - if they really would prefer that you should be suffering and bored in order to present a certain appearance, like they are choosing to.
posted by fritley at 11:35 AM on June 15, 2023 [21 favorites]

As a knitter, I don't bring anything that requires hard work or thinking out in public to work on knitting. I basically do the stuff that doesn't require conscious thought so my inner fidgeting can not make ME distracted. The people who tell me they would have to be 100% focused on their knitting usually don't bring theirs out in public for that reason.

Frankly, I do think "distracting" is code for "I don't like it!" or "It's Not Professional to not be 100% sitting still and staring at someone" a lot of the time. Some people get Very Offended if you are not sitting still and staring at their wonderful absorbing lecture on fees. Frankly, I'm tired of accommodating those people and their preferences and then getting nothing out of their lecture because I was sitting still and falling asleep, and then I offend them anyway. God bless Zoom for solving this issue for me almost all of the time now.

explosion has it right: "Some things are "distracting" because the observer is judgmental and has a notion of how things "should" be, and is overly consumed with thoughts about how it's "wrong."
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:40 AM on June 15, 2023 [5 favorites]

Knitting is not distracting per se, it's just a visible assertion that you think the meeting is pointless and won't be paying attention so you can focus on something unnecessary. Nursing a baby is something necessary, and suggests that the meeting is so important to them that even though they need to nurse they are still in attendance.
posted by lefty lucky cat at 11:40 AM on June 15, 2023 [24 favorites]

things moving in my field of view are that way too

This is it. I am a knitter, and still my eye is drawn by certain of the movements--the ends of single-pointed needles jerking repetitively in the air, for instance. I don't see how anyone can argue that that kind of visual stimulus is obviously not as distracting, at least for some people, as the same level of audio stimulus.

Also...let's be real. There are some people who can just put their circs in their lap and churn away without ever looking away from the speaker for half an hour on end. That is not how most people knit. You look down. You stop to hold up and glance over your work when turning a row. You find a mistake and say "oh shit" under your breath. That can be distracting to the onlooker and it is also distracting to the knitter. Knitting is just way more involved than your average fidget toy. In a courtroom, I would not want anyone on the jury knitting while in session.
posted by praemunire at 11:47 AM on June 15, 2023 [15 favorites]

Saying something is distracting could be code for "what you're doing isn't professional, knock it off" or "you seem more engrossed in what you're doing than the activity at hand." Or it could legit be distracting to the person in a real way. It's really really hard to have a general guideline here.

In the context of the scenario of a volunteer knitting in an 8-hour, no-agenda meeting... I would usually say "tough." If knitting helps you get through it, knit away unless you have some serious clackity clack going on. Then again, a mom with a 3-month-old at an 8-hour meeting probably deserves extra grace and understanding that they might be pretty sleep-deprived.

In that scenario "distracting" could mean "I haven't slept more than 3 hours consecutively in months and am at the end of my tether, anything that even remotely seems unnecessary right now is pissing me off."

I've been told a few times my typing is distracting when taking notes during talks or in a meeting. Which, tbh, is totally fair - I like clacky keyboards and I type loud. So I've happily switched to pen and paper in those cases.
posted by jzb at 11:48 AM on June 15, 2023 [6 favorites]

Complaining about something being distracting implies a two-prong test; 1) it exceeds someone's threshold for distraction - that is, it draws their attention substantially -- and 2) it is inappropriate. Shouting something randomly in the middle of someone's presentation is distracting, but shouting that the building is on fire or that Bill's having a heart attack is appropriately drawing attention to something that needs it. Doing something that draws people's attention appropriately (a less extreme version is to speak up and make a helpful comment, or to write notes on a whiteboard) isn't a distraction, because it is appropriate for the situation.

The individual threshold for distraction will vary. For instance, I lived for a decade without a TV and still only really watch TV as an activity rather than "background noise", so I find a TV more distracting than most other people, and if I was meeting someone in a sports bar for a serious chat I'd try to find a way to not be facing a TV. I'd almost certainly be distracted by a physical movement like knitting; the ends of needles move a fair bit and tend to stand out. Different people will have different thresholds and different things that distract them.

And the second prong is appropriateness, which extends in a number of directions. I've worked with people who had repetitive tics where they bounced their knee or something like that -- I found that also visually distracting, but there wasn't anything that they could reasonably do about it, so I let it go. Nursing a baby is obviously much more unavoidable than engaging in a hobby like knitting. And appropriate is a vague concept that will have different thresholds for different people.

My best example: I was in a meeting presenting some work, and someone in the room was snoring, loudly, the entire time I was presenting. Incredibly hard to maintain focus when there's not only a noise interrupting you, but it's a noise that implies that someone doesn't give a shit about what you are talking about to the point that they don't even want to remain awake. In 99% of circumstances, this would be an unacceptable distraction.

However, in this case, the offender was a client's guide dog, sleeping under the desk. Not much to do about that one; a long meeting is a great chance for the dog to rest since his services won't be needed; you can't explain to anyone that they shouldn't snore when they're asleep, much less a dog; obviously the client needed the dog.
posted by Superilla at 11:53 AM on June 15, 2023 [11 favorites]

“I tried knitting when I was a Peace Corps volunteer and had to sit through 8-hour sessions without an agenda. I was told that my knitting was “distracting” – by a woman who had a three-months-old baby attached to her naked bosom.”

There's something kinda weird and off in this specific anecdote, though. I hope this was not a white woman talking about a woman from the host country. Normally a woman knitter would not take this kind of tone and use this particular language about another woman doing a feminine-coded activity.
posted by praemunire at 11:53 AM on June 15, 2023 [13 favorites]

In a meeting, often many people will be taking notes, so a doodler is performing almost the same physical actions as someone taking notes. I doodle in meetings and would not take kindly to someone telling me to stop. If i was sitting in front of them, I'd offer to switch with them so they couldn't see me. I personally find it hard to concentrate on someone talking when others are, to the point where I have to have two earpieces on my headset/headphones if I want to take work calls. I am not judging anyone for talking in their own work areas, but it does legitimately distract me.
posted by soelo at 11:53 AM on June 15, 2023

it's the frequent motion, specifically in the periphery of one's vision. For instance I can't sit next to my husband when he's playing games on his phone. (Makes sense from evolutionary point of view -- stuff moving on the margins of the visual field is exactly where threats and changing conditions come from.)

Also, your clothes are under your own control, but your motions bothering others is the issue.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:54 AM on June 15, 2023 [2 favorites]

Knitting is not distracting per se, it's just a visible assertion that you think the meeting is pointless and won't be paying attention so you can focus on something unnecessary.

This is exactly the sort of expression of ableism I meant in my comment.

For people of certain neurotypes, a repetitive activity such as knitting allows us to better pay attention. Jumping to the assumption that someone is not paying attention because they are stimming is really uncharitable.
posted by explosion at 11:56 AM on June 15, 2023 [37 favorites]

My brain is distracted by motion and pretty much by anything going on that my attention can easily latch itself on to. I get distracted by people doodling when I can see what they're drawing, by people playing games when I can see the games, by people typing things that I can easily read, and so on. I also pretty much have to use adblockers because I have never been able to tune ads out like other people can, especially when they're animated; sometimes I have to manually block distracting elements from webpages so I can focus. I don't know if it's ADHD or something else, and I'm sure women doing gender-coded stuff get criticized more often than that guy playing his game or whatever, but all of it really does make it much harder for me to concentrate.

(Meanwhile, I myself frequently have to doodle or find some other way to use my hands during meetings or lectures or phone conversations in order to not go mad, though I'm not sure it actually helps me pay attention. I think for a lot of people the need to doodle/knit/whatever is a neurodiversity thing, and for a lot of people being deeply bothered by such behavior is also a neurodiversity thing, though other people might have different reasons for both.)
posted by trig at 11:59 AM on June 15, 2023 [5 favorites]

I'm autistic, and I absolutely find visual or auditory "noise" to be distracting, in the sense that the noise makes it hard for me to concentrate. In a meeting with a knitter, I might easily end up being asked for my opinion and going "uhhhh..." because I wasn't following the speaker. If I was chairing the meeting I'd be worried I'd lose track of it completely.

This relates to the concept of "conflicting accommodations": a real phenomenon where two people need different accommodations that aren't possible simultaneously. For example, someone who has a guide dog and someone who's allergic to dogs. Stimming is a common example - I know someone with one kid who needs to stim and another kid who finds the stimming unbearably distracting, and it's a real problem that their family has struggled to solve. Finding something to fiddle with silently under the table is one possible solution.
posted by quacks like a duck at 12:10 PM on June 15, 2023 [58 favorites]

things moving in my field of view are that way too

Yep, agree with others that this can be a complex topic. If I am in front of a room trying to give a presentation and there's someone right up front who is knitting or pen clicking and I may be already somewhat nervous, I can get distracted to the point of agitation because (see above, what people have said above hypervigilance) I can't not see/hear it and my brain doesn't tune it out. I'd feel like there was someone waving to get my attention the whole time. If I am not nervous this is usually less of an issue. I can't be in a room with a radio or TV on at a pretty normal volume and also have a conversation most of the time.

I say "It's distracting" but what I mean is "It's distracting ME and making it hard to focus." I think there's a sort of bell curve of things an average person might find distracting and sometimes people refer to that as if it's true for everyone and, as you can see by the responses above, it's clearly not.

I also respect and appreciate that there are people for whom this is not true or for whom knitting or pen clicking is the thing that allows them to pay attention. If I have control over the situation, I might ask the knitter to move a row or two back (out of my field of view but still within reasonable distance) or talk to the pen clicker and have an "It's not you it's me" conversation with them and see if they can do something less audible during my presentation. If I'm not the one in front of a room, I usually feel like it's my responsibility to try to find accommodations for myself that, if possible, do not involve other people having to give up their own.
posted by jessamyn at 12:13 PM on June 15, 2023 [5 favorites]

Oh yeah, this is definitely sometimes genuine and sometimes used as an excuse for "I don't like that you're not .

Sometimes the distraction is more interesting than the presentation, like someone in front of me watching a show on their laptop or that person's shirt is SO NEON. Sometimes the distraction catches my brain in a way I don't like, like when there are TVs playing something I hate in the restaurant, or someone clicking their pen repeatedly. Sometimes the distraction shouldn't be a distraction, but for me it is. Sometimes it is my responsibility to keep my focus and sometimes it is someone else's responsibility to be a good audience member.

To add to the discussion about stimming and ableism: It is definitely possible for two people's needs to conflict. For example, one person could need to bounce their leg and another person could find that visual overstimulating. These two people may just need to rearrange so that the overstimulated person cannot see the leg bouncer. It's not ableist to feel alarmed by someone's shouting or be allergic to someone's medical alert dog. It's just that we need to find a way to meet everyone's needs. [on preview - these exact examples have been cited]
posted by meemzi at 12:16 PM on June 15, 2023 [4 favorites]

When I say something like stimming or knitting can be distracting, I don't mean that I don't like it. I do both those things too in some situations! I mean literally what the words say: the physical motions involved, in my line of sight, draw my attention more than other things happening in the room and can cause me to have trouble holding my train of thought or processing what is happening in the meeting.

I don't think that means people shouldn't do those things. I think it's an issue of clashing access needs and mostly I'd rather deal with it by trying to find a seat where the knitter is out of my line of sight and then we can both get our needs met.

I also think that if this sort of thing were more normalized it would eventually become something my brain could process as just a standard meeting thing, and then I might be able to ignore it as easily as I can ignore, to use your example, a humming appliance in the room.
posted by Stacey at 12:23 PM on June 15, 2023 [3 favorites]

Knitting is one of those interesting edge cases - I find that people who knit or crochet don't find it distracting at all, because once you understand the mechanics and how soothing it can be and how little active attention the sort of uncomplicated knitting you can do in meetings is, it just sort of fades into the background when you see it. But for people who don't knit, it draws the eye for a lot of reasons - the movement of the needles, the way that thread turns into knots using sticks (which is pretty magical), the satisfying moments when colors switch, and then the clicking sounds. It pulls attention.

Comparing it to doodling doesn't work - people are already taking notes so moving a pen around on paper won't draw attention. Breastfeeding is an odd comparison for a lot of reasons that others have addressed, but in general it isn't something that it's polite to watch or that involves a lot of movement to watch. A closer comparison might be whittling (assuming there's a way to hold the shavings without a mess), or playing candy crush - you can do it while listening, it's something to do with your hands, it engages your brain a tiny bit but not much - and if someone saw you doing it, they would find themselves watching you.

I personally don't have a problem with knitting - I crochet and certainly have done so in public. But the number of times I've been riding public transportation or standing in a line at an amusement park or otherwise hanging out and crocheting something, and been stopped by a stranger who wants to know what I'm making or ask a question or talk about what I'm doing, is really, really often. A lot of people aren't just interested in it - they're fascinated by it.

So while a lot of people use "distracting" to mean "unprofessional" because they can't comprehend how easy it is to do two things at once, when one thing is processing information and the other thing is doing a soothing activity that can help you focus on information... a lot of people mean it's distracting because it distracts them. I agree with the others here that the ableism / accommodation conversation can go in both directions here and is probably outside of the question.
posted by Mchelly at 12:24 PM on June 15, 2023 [3 favorites]

Jumping to the assumption that someone is not paying attention because they are stimming is really uncharitable.

If knitting is something you need to pay attention at meetings, you are more like the person nursing than the person knitting in the OP's example.

My point was that it isn't necessarily the physical distraction that is most distracting, it is the action's meaning in the context of a meeting. If you're the only one eating at a meeting, it's distracting. If it's a lunch meeting at a restaurant, the only person not eating could be the distraction.

The example given in the OP says nothing about stimming, it does imply the person knitting finds the meeting both long and uninteresting and is somewhat affronted by getting called out by a person doing something equally physically distracting (nursing). It illustrates the contrast between two kinds of distraction, which I guess you could call phenomenal (my eyes and ears can't tune this out) and affective (it evokes distracting emotions in me that you are doing THAT in HERE right NOW).
posted by lefty lucky cat at 1:21 PM on June 15, 2023 [1 favorite]

I took a ballet class in college. It was a beginners class for a PE credit. At the end of some lesson the teacher was having us listen to The Nutcracker Suite for a couple of minutes, then we discussed something about it. As another student was speaking, I pinched at my tights moving them around my shin a little for comfort. The teacher stopped the student and let me know what I was doing was distracting. I think it was an over reaction, the way strict ballet teachers do, but she was also right. When I picked at my tights everyone’s eyes immediately flicked to me and my tights.

I think a distraction is something that causes more than one person to divert their attention from “the main show.” These can be big or benign, and also dependent on what is considered “common” and also “uncommon” and thus diverting attention.
posted by raccoon409 at 2:26 PM on June 15, 2023 [4 favorites]

This leads me to believe that “distracting” is simply code for “I don’t like it”, or something along those lines… but maybe they genuinely are saying “this distracts me too much to pay attention?”

That can’t possibly be true—for all the responses citing ableism, your primary interpretation here seems ableist to me! Trust me, I don’t want misphonia and I don’t think people shouldn’t chew. It’s not code for I don’t like other people eating; I support eating more than anyone you ever met. It’s just that the sound of it distracts me, by the dictionary definition of distract.

Even you could be distracted by something I’m sure. A clown juggling in your eyeline? Oscar Isaac licking his lips in your vicinity? So some people have a more sensitive distraction trigger.
posted by kapers at 4:51 PM on June 15, 2023 [5 favorites]

In a "post"-pandemic world, the rules have changed, sorry. With zoom and work from home the least we can do now when forced to be in person at a meeting, is be present. If you need to eat, nurse, keep your hands busy so that you can focus in on the content rather than daydreaming/not being able to focus on the content, so be it.

Of course, I agree that different people's needs can clash. One person using something as a stim could bother someone else. Alas, we gotta work/live together somehow. I don't find it useful that one person saying, "it's distracting," should have the last say.
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 8:18 PM on June 15, 2023 [1 favorite]

I would find knitting in my line of sight or my peripheral vision very distracting, due to Anxiety/PTSD/hypervigilance.

And the noise would potentially interfere with my being able to listen (auditory processing issues.)

Ideally, if the person knitting NEEDS to knit, because it helps the knitters Anxiety/concentration/focus, they would do so quietly and not in my line of sight/peripheral vision.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 8:35 PM on June 15, 2023 [2 favorites]

I'm happy to hide in the back, for literally any reason, thank you.

I will note that most meetings ARE boring and nobody wants to be there except management. God knows I'm not fascinated by discussing (yet again) billing, fees, who's working the front counter and phones, blah blah blah. Just let me have my yarn so I don't pass out from sheer boredom of having the same conversations every season for the last decade.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:55 PM on June 15, 2023 [1 favorite]

At the other extreme, I would definitely ask someone who was continually loudly slurping from a cup to quite down.

This is a normal way to drink in parts of the world.
posted by tiny frying pan at 5:24 AM on June 16, 2023

Something moving in my peripheral vision while I'm trying to concentrate on something directly ahead - someone speaking, a movie, a play, a presentation, etc - would distract me, i.e. prevent me giving my full attention to the event. Part of my attention would be periodically or constantly "dragged" towards the movement in my peripheral vision.

Note, I'm not making any judgement about what that movement is, how it's happening, or how necessary it is to one or more people. I would find it distracting, no matter what. Whether I would say something about it would depend entirely on the situation, how necessary the movement appeared, and how assertive I felt (usually not much), etc. It's impossible to generalise.

I find it odd that some people think anyone criticising someone else's activity - which might help them concentrate - in these situations is always ableist, while not acknowledging that movement prevents other people from concentrating.
posted by fabius at 5:34 AM on June 16, 2023 [3 favorites]

(Just pointing out that culture and situation are hugely important in these contexts)
posted by tiny frying pan at 5:35 AM on June 16, 2023

it's the constant motion
posted by Jacqueline at 6:23 PM on June 16, 2023