Help me feel less bad for leaving my job.

June 13, 2023 8:24 AM

I need to leave a job I like and where I accomplish a lot of good for financial reasons and I have a lot of Feelings. I would really appreciate an unbiased perspective on this.

I'm a school nurse. I mostly enjoy the day-to-day but the big pro is that it's very rewarding.

We get around 20 asylum seekers every month and I'm really proud of the work I've done to get kids hooked up with dental care, immunizations, etc. I've come up with systems to maximize what I can do with the info I have. Not to toot my own horn but I feel like someone else in this position would not do everything that I did - so by leaving this job I am hurting the population.

Other Pros - I enjoy interacting with the kids. The school schedule makes it easy for me to have time off with my own child.

Cons - I HATE working 5 days a week. I don't like sitting at a desk. I have ADHD and it's really, really hard for my brain to do this type of organizational work. It is emotionally draining. The other teachers are fine? but not really people I enjoy interacting with. I get along well with them but I've never really enjoyed school myself so it's not surprising I don't enjoy working with a bunch of teachers.

The big Con: I am a single mom and to be blunt, I don't make enough money. My take home pay is $40K. This is an expensive coastal city. I don't make enough to cover all of my bills.

I was offered a $20K bonus PLUS a take home pay of $60K to go back to my ER job.

Other Pros - My ADHD brain is good at this type of work. I miss being challenged. I miss the fast pace. I like being on my feet. This is selfish but I miss feeling like I was good at my job - I got a lot of positive feedback from my coworkers and I miss that. There is opportunity for overtime. I only have to work 3 days a week. The schedule is flexible and I can get my kid on the school bus every day. I like my coworkers and the culture of my old workplace.

Cons - Taking call, working holidays, dealing with literal shit again.

I've considered going back to my old job just per diem on summer break or school vacations but that is not available.

I just feel really guilty and selfish and I need help assuaging my guilt. I feel like I'm abandoning the kids and their families.

posted by pintapicasso to Work & Money (21 answers total)

so by leaving this job I am hurting the population

The harm here is being caused by a government that does not pay a living wage for the vital work you do, not by you for being unable to raise your kid on $40K a year in a high-cost-of-living area. It sounds like you've been working there for at least some time; consider that a real contribution to the betterment of the world that you made while you could rather than a permanent obligation. Bluntly, no one is going to take care of a single woman in the U.S. other than herself.
posted by praemunire at 8:29 AM on June 13, 2023 [50 favorites]

will you be a kind, compassionate and competent ER nurse?

if the answer is yes, you will be in a position to make a HUGE difference for many, many terrified and hurting people who will be depending on you in an ER role. Like, you can be the difference between the creation of lasting trauma, or an experience that is remembered with gratefulness.

(I say this as someone who remembers VERY WELL the handful of occasions where I was in the ER as a patient, and exactly how I was treated.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:31 AM on June 13, 2023 [45 favorites]

I've come up with systems to maximize what I can do with the info I have. Not to toot my own horn but I feel like someone else in this position would not do everything that I did - so by leaving this job I am hurting the population.

One thing you can do is document these workflows and systems for the next person in the role - they can be part of the legacy you leave behind!
posted by jquinby at 8:31 AM on June 13, 2023 [38 favorites]

100% what praemunire says and also, it's not like you're leaving this job to go be a tobacco executive or something! You're leaving one job where you do a lot of good for another job where you will also do a lot of good, which will pay you more money and in many ways be more suited to your strengths.

Set your successor up for success by documenting all the processes you've put together. Share those docs with community organizations, too. Heck, spend 4 hours a week or a month volunteering to connect asylum-seekers with services if that's the part you'll miss.
posted by mskyle at 8:32 AM on June 13, 2023 [11 favorites]

So by moving back to your ER job, you are making 50% more money, but working less? (5 days vs 3 days, though maybe those are 3 long days)

Leave a manual or cheat sheet of all the services and processes at your school nurse job, and enjoy the peace of mind financial stability the ER job will bring you and your kiddo.
posted by tinydancer at 8:33 AM on June 13, 2023 [8 favorites]

Here's the thing: You only have so much time in the day. You're also 'abandoning' your own kids if you're not making enough to pay for a good lifestyle for them. You're also 'abandoning' the ER patients you're not seeing, who are also experiencing problems you can help with.

You're allowed to prioritize yourself and your family, especially in a country that doesn't provide a safety net or parental support worth a damn. And

Also, while we often imagine that we're irreplaceable at a job, chances are the person who comes after you will in fact do a pretty good job. For one thing, they'll have your great systems, that you'll have documented, to build off! And every job is done best by somebody who wants that job. 40K is... not great pay but I also do know plenty of folks in the medical field who've voluntarily stepped down to a lower-paid, lower-stress position - I can so easily imagine the exact reverse question, asking if it's OK to leave a higher-pay high-stress ER nursing job to have a predicable 9-5 schedule at a school, worrying about 'abandoning' the urgent patients of an ER.

Very few decisions are purely Good or Bad, there's almost always some kind of trade-off. It might be a tiny bit worse for some kids, in the short term. But it'll probably be fine for them in the long run, and your own family will be better off, and the ER and all of those patients will benefit. This is frankly about as close to a win-win scenario as we usually get in the real world when your current job isn't actively awful.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:34 AM on June 13, 2023 [8 favorites]

$40 fucking k for nursing and unofficial refugee work? Please tell me this coast isn't in California or the Northeast!

Like everyone else has said, document your processes and move on. I'm also wondering whether your organizational skills might be useful in higher paying nursing jobs/volunteering/other careers, because like you said these aren't skills that everybody exercises.
posted by kingdead at 8:37 AM on June 13, 2023 [7 favorites]

Instead of trying to reconcile all this, what if you embrace that all these seemingly-contradictory things are true?
-You are doing a great job helping these kids and their families in important, meaningful ways.
-You need to prioritize financial solvency and family stability by taking this other job.

Because they aren't contradictory. The work you are doing now is important and has real value that you've seen. And also, the other job is the right one for you right now.

Not to toot my own horn but I feel like someone else in this position would not do everything that I did - so by leaving this job I am hurting the population.
This is the part you really want to try to leave behind. It's great to be proud of what you've done and totally okay to worry, but someone else in that next position might do something different that you weren't able to do. Or be better or worse at some things. And that's how it goes.

But you haven't failed. The system is failing so many of us, including your students, and we can't individually fix this. So be mad at the system, and don't take this burden all on yourself, emotionally.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:16 AM on June 13, 2023

Dear school district,

I wanted to let you know that I have no choice but to leave my position at [school]. I currently receive a salary of X; with my rent of A (below average for the area for the minimum that a single mom with one kid can live in), utilities of B, monthly food costs and C, car costs of D, retirement funding at E, and of course the numerous expenses associated with taking care of my own kid and myself, I think you can see that this is not enough.

If you were to raise my salary to Y, I would love to stay in my position. I don't expect this, though, since I know you are constrained by [thing].

Unless some miracle happens before [three days hence], I will be accepting a position at [hospital].

Please know that this is a hard decision for me and a truly wish I could stay.

Yours,
pintapicasso
posted by amtho at 9:35 AM on June 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

All change is loss. It’s ok to grieve a loss. That doesn’t mean that all change is bad. In actuality, it sounds like this will be a wonderful change for you.

The role may be empty for a month or three, and then the next nurse may have an onboarding period of a month or three. But then that nurse will have the opportunity to learn, grow, and impact the community in their own unique ways. The next nurse won’t be taking this job for the money, just as you didn’t take the job for the money. It’s an opportunity for them too.

It’s someone else’s turn to do this role, and your priorities for work can shift to financial ones. I fully support you.

Congratulations on the new job!
posted by samthemander at 9:43 AM on June 13, 2023 [6 favorites]

From the framing above the fold I thought you were planning to move to the corporate world or something. You made a real difference in your current job and you'll make a real difference in your ER job too. And I agree with the suggestion of making it as likely as possible that the next school nurse follows in your footsteps.

I've considered going back to my old job just per diem on summer break or school vacations but that is not available.

I wonder if in addition to providing documentation/training to your successor, you could start putting together some resources (or, if you have the time and energy, even workshops or lectures or professional meetups) for other school nurses or relevant professionals to help them provide more help to the people they work with.

Thank you so much for being the person people are lucky to meet.
posted by trig at 9:53 AM on June 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

What amtho said. Everyone will understand leaving for a pay increase. Someone else will probably fill in just fine. I had one boss quit because he had 5 kids and he specifically spelled out in the quitting letter he needed more money for 5 kids. Nobody's gonna judge that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:55 AM on June 13, 2023

Being an ER nurse isn't abandoning anyone! I'm sure you know better than the rest of us, ERs are primary care providers for many of the same vulnerable people you help in your current job, including immigrants and asylum seekers and their children. And given how proactive and caring you are, I have no doubt you'll be able to find ways in your new job to go above and beyond to provide the best possible care to people who might otherwise receive the bare minimum. Maybe you'll propose a program within your ER to get people who are in crisis hooked up with more stable community based supports, or sign uninsured kids up for CHIP, or propose an urgent care clinic, or some other amazing thing that only you'll know to think of.

Unfortunately, there is an almost infinite well of need in this world, and many of the people who have deep needs will eventually come through the healthcare system in one way or another. Shifting your focus to a different population, for a job that is a better fit for you mentally and allows you to financially support your family, isn't giving up.
posted by decathecting at 10:14 AM on June 13, 2023 [4 favorites]

...Yeah, my letter was a rough first draft, but ideally it would make clear that _nobody_ except a 22 year old man with zero responsibilities and a comfortable van mattress could live on what they are paying. The goal is not to make the recipient feel bad, but to give them ammunition to seek better funding for future hires (or for the person currently in the position).
posted by amtho at 10:15 AM on June 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

If you have the time and energy, you could document your work for your successor, in a way that will help them pick up where you left off. You could leave a letter with the documentation, welcoming them to the new role and telling them what you found rewarding.

If possible, you could also share your methods/processes with other school nurses to encourage more of them to do similar work. This could have an exponential effect.

And in the ER you may have opportunities to serve the same population. It sounds like you might possibly have time to do part-time work or volunteer w their community.


And … you matter too. Your well-being matters. Your kid matters. You are not required to sacrifice your kid’s well-being to compensate for our broken system.
posted by bunderful at 11:19 AM on June 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

Sometimes when working in a school (I teach high school), it feels like you are the only reason students are getting what they need. It feels like there are no resources for them and no one else is helping - only you. Although the lack of resources is real, that guilt is part of the mythos around these types of jobs that keeps us there past burn out, well beyond what is good for us. We're told to keep going "for the kids", but what about us? The powers that be are pushing the burden onto us, and hiding their irresponsible behavior by making us feel like it's our fault.

Don't listen to the guilt trip. Someone will step up to help them in your place. These professions are full of people who live to help. But even if no one does, that is not your responsibility! You can't help someone if you are struggling yourself. You are a better help to your family and to the world if you are not burnt out and struggling to make ends meet.

I stayed too long at a school I KNEW wasn't a good place for me because I felt guilty at the thought of leaving. I ended up crashing and burning so hard that I am still recovering in some ways years later. I should have left when I still had the energy and awareness to do it positively. I ended up being no help to anyone, including myself.

Don't listen to the guilt. Feeling guilty shows you care, but is NOT a reason to stay. Taking care of yourself does not make you a bad person. You deserve to be happy.
posted by rakaidan at 12:17 PM on June 13, 2023 [6 favorites]

Take a lyric from The Crane Wives:
My papa taught me how to howl
How to bear my teeth and growl
He taught me that the hand that feeds
Deserves to be bitten when it beats
He taught me how to break my chains
And that money ain't worth a thing
And that no man should get
More of my time than me, than me

The only person you owe anything to is yourself. Do what makes you happy and brings you fulfillment. Life's too short.
posted by xedrik at 12:37 PM on June 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

There’s a high turnover in school nurse jobs for this reason *all the time* and you shouldn’t feel bad about it. At my middle school, we get a burnt-out refugee from other kinds of nursing every two years or so, and then when their head is in a better space they go back to a job where they can do “real” nursing and make more money, and we hire someone else for not enough money compared to the nursing marketplace. It’s the cycle of life. Please don’t feel bad about it! The teachers would do the same thing if there was anyone who would pay us more for comparable work.
posted by charmedimsure at 12:47 PM on June 13, 2023 [5 favorites]

Maybe there are organizations working to raise the salaries of school providers and you could donate some to them. It doesn't have to be the entire difference in your salaries of course, but $100/mo? $1000/yr? $100yr? It's all helping.
posted by rhizome at 2:12 PM on June 13, 2023

My fellow nurse-friend: you will do immeasurable good to the ED patient population, many of whom will be in the same group of folks that are at your school gig. Maybe you're helping their parents get medical care that our screwed up country won't otherwise provide. Maybe you're helping those same kids, in a harder situation. You deserve more than you're getting (and in truth, probably more than the ED will pay you). Good nurses are worth it, and it sounds like you're a damn good nurse.

Also, I'll bet you can find a PD position at another hospital, if that's an option. We are short everywhere.
posted by Pantengliopoli at 2:47 PM on June 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

I think it's helpful to look at your life in seasons. It was your season to be the person helping the kids at school. Now it's your season to go make more money and have hours that give you more time with your family.

The change in seasons won't take away from the work you've done, or will do.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:30 PM on June 13, 2023 [4 favorites]