Help me get this funeral right
June 3, 2023 4:25 AM Subscribe
So I’m going to have to plan a funeral. No one’s died yet, but they definitely are going to. I’ve had earlier questions about this, but things are no longer hypothetical, though I probably have a lot of time.
Here are the known parameters: The funeral will be Catholic. Money IS an object. The body will be cremated, because the final resting place is hundreds of miles away, though I suppose the body could be present for the funeral and THEN cremated, but that’s expensive right?
There’s no obvious person to give a eulogy, though I suppose one might emerge, let’s go on the theory that no one wants this job. Certainly not me.
I will be the chief mourner and also the funeral planner. I want things very structured, so I don’t have to make a lot of small talk. I’m not a person who gets a lot out of ceremonies and I don’t expect this to be healing in any way FOR ME, however there are several other close family members that probably will benefit from a well conducted service and it is my duty to make it happen for them.
For those individuals I think it will be nice if a large parade of people get up and talk about what a great person the deceased was and maybe have funny stories to tell. The person in question certainly IS a wonderful person with many adoring friends, who has participated in many funny stories, so the potential is there for this to happen, but what is the social engineering that will foster it? I’ve been to services where this opportunity was provided but it didn’t quite work.
From those earlier experiences I think:
-You have to let people know in advance that this will happen so they can think of what they want to say and prepare.
-You have to have a dedicated portion of the proceeding that is for this and not expect people to just walk up to a podium while everyone else is mingling, chatting and snacking.
So where does this dedicated portion go? It can’t be during the actual Catholic church service. Weirdly, Catholic services don’t have a portion for a eulogy, though I’ve seen people strongarm the priests into allowing it.
It definitely feels like the kind of thing that goes after the church service, but where? Or maybe before? I can’t even necessarily get a game night to go well even when I’m at my best, so I’m not sure how well I can orchestrate a large event with multiple moving parts when I’m at my worst.
Also, past experience demonstrates that there will have to be some sort of afterparty where out of town guests can gather in the evening, (otherwise all these people will just show up at my house. DO NOT WANT). The only venues I can think of for this are hotel event rooms or restaurants, but are there other kinds of places I’m not thinking of and how can I do it cheaply? There is no local relative or friend who could host at their home. I will probably resent any money I spend on this portion, but the more I spend the more I will resent it. Is there social engineering that can get people to pay for some of this part?
What else have you seen contribute to a nice funeral?
Here are the known parameters: The funeral will be Catholic. Money IS an object. The body will be cremated, because the final resting place is hundreds of miles away, though I suppose the body could be present for the funeral and THEN cremated, but that’s expensive right?
There’s no obvious person to give a eulogy, though I suppose one might emerge, let’s go on the theory that no one wants this job. Certainly not me.
I will be the chief mourner and also the funeral planner. I want things very structured, so I don’t have to make a lot of small talk. I’m not a person who gets a lot out of ceremonies and I don’t expect this to be healing in any way FOR ME, however there are several other close family members that probably will benefit from a well conducted service and it is my duty to make it happen for them.
For those individuals I think it will be nice if a large parade of people get up and talk about what a great person the deceased was and maybe have funny stories to tell. The person in question certainly IS a wonderful person with many adoring friends, who has participated in many funny stories, so the potential is there for this to happen, but what is the social engineering that will foster it? I’ve been to services where this opportunity was provided but it didn’t quite work.
From those earlier experiences I think:
-You have to let people know in advance that this will happen so they can think of what they want to say and prepare.
-You have to have a dedicated portion of the proceeding that is for this and not expect people to just walk up to a podium while everyone else is mingling, chatting and snacking.
So where does this dedicated portion go? It can’t be during the actual Catholic church service. Weirdly, Catholic services don’t have a portion for a eulogy, though I’ve seen people strongarm the priests into allowing it.
It definitely feels like the kind of thing that goes after the church service, but where? Or maybe before? I can’t even necessarily get a game night to go well even when I’m at my best, so I’m not sure how well I can orchestrate a large event with multiple moving parts when I’m at my worst.
Also, past experience demonstrates that there will have to be some sort of afterparty where out of town guests can gather in the evening, (otherwise all these people will just show up at my house. DO NOT WANT). The only venues I can think of for this are hotel event rooms or restaurants, but are there other kinds of places I’m not thinking of and how can I do it cheaply? There is no local relative or friend who could host at their home. I will probably resent any money I spend on this portion, but the more I spend the more I will resent it. Is there social engineering that can get people to pay for some of this part?
What else have you seen contribute to a nice funeral?
So where does this dedicated portion go? It can’t be during the actual Catholic church service.
After my mom's Catholic funeral, a friend gave a beautiful eulogy in a little building the Catholic cemetery had.
Have you talked to the priest yet? In terms of planning the funeral itself, I don't think that's something you have much if any say in. In terms of figuring out your responsibilities for the funeral, if you haven't talked to the priest, that's really your next step. Also, the priest might have some ideas for how you can have what you want (which is a memorial service after the funeral).
And then after that, talk to the funeral directors. I'm wondering if they'd have some space you can use for what you're talking about. I've been to memorial services at funeral homes for people who weren't involved in churches, and those were lovely. The priest might be able to suggest funeral directors who are used to working with Catholics.
Best to you in navigating this.
posted by FencingGal at 4:49 AM on June 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
After my mom's Catholic funeral, a friend gave a beautiful eulogy in a little building the Catholic cemetery had.
Have you talked to the priest yet? In terms of planning the funeral itself, I don't think that's something you have much if any say in. In terms of figuring out your responsibilities for the funeral, if you haven't talked to the priest, that's really your next step. Also, the priest might have some ideas for how you can have what you want (which is a memorial service after the funeral).
And then after that, talk to the funeral directors. I'm wondering if they'd have some space you can use for what you're talking about. I've been to memorial services at funeral homes for people who weren't involved in churches, and those were lovely. The priest might be able to suggest funeral directors who are used to working with Catholics.
Best to you in navigating this.
posted by FencingGal at 4:49 AM on June 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
Money IS an object. The body will be cremated, because the final resting place is hundreds of miles away, though I suppose the body could be present for the funeral and THEN cremated, but that’s expensive right?
Agreed. That would be much more expensive.
For the cremation itself, it was significantly less expensive when we paid for the service in advance. I did this at the funeral home in person but there might be easier ways now. When I was doing this, they called it "pre-need" where you're essentially buying an insurance policy to cover the cost of services, and you can do this on behalf of another person without that person being present. In my case, I purchased a pre-need plan five days before my loved one passed away and it was fine. When it's time, you or the medical folks or another designated person need to call the specific funeral home you're in contract with and they'll send people to arrange transfer.
They also charge much too much for things like urns. If you want an urn of some kind, you can find lots of nice options elsewhere, it doesn't even have to be something that's formally designated as an urn -- it can be a wooden box or a vase or. There are many beautiful options. If the person will be in a columbarium, be sure to check the size of the niche. In our case, the columbarium offered really beautiful hammered metal ones that were not expensive at all and were perfectly sized for the niche.
You also don't have to buy an expensive container for use in the retort, the chamber where the cremation takes place. They had white pine, some fancy oak things, but personally I'm just doing cardboard for myself. It's least expensive option, and I like to think I'm mailing myself to eternity.
posted by mochapickle at 5:10 AM on June 3, 2023 [6 favorites]
Agreed. That would be much more expensive.
For the cremation itself, it was significantly less expensive when we paid for the service in advance. I did this at the funeral home in person but there might be easier ways now. When I was doing this, they called it "pre-need" where you're essentially buying an insurance policy to cover the cost of services, and you can do this on behalf of another person without that person being present. In my case, I purchased a pre-need plan five days before my loved one passed away and it was fine. When it's time, you or the medical folks or another designated person need to call the specific funeral home you're in contract with and they'll send people to arrange transfer.
They also charge much too much for things like urns. If you want an urn of some kind, you can find lots of nice options elsewhere, it doesn't even have to be something that's formally designated as an urn -- it can be a wooden box or a vase or. There are many beautiful options. If the person will be in a columbarium, be sure to check the size of the niche. In our case, the columbarium offered really beautiful hammered metal ones that were not expensive at all and were perfectly sized for the niche.
You also don't have to buy an expensive container for use in the retort, the chamber where the cremation takes place. They had white pine, some fancy oak things, but personally I'm just doing cardboard for myself. It's least expensive option, and I like to think I'm mailing myself to eternity.
posted by mochapickle at 5:10 AM on June 3, 2023 [6 favorites]
Do a gathering in the church social hall afterwards. If that is not an option, do it at the funeral home gathering place. Get decent catering from a local restaurant or even a bunch of sandwich and fruit trays from Costco. You can put in the obituary that a funeral Mass will be at 12 with a light lunch to follow at wherever so nobody expects a feast. In America, most Catholic will expect this to also have some sort of alcohol component.
At the start of the meal, or when it seems like a critical mass of people are there, stand up, thank everyone for coming, and say you've asked a few people to say words about the departed. If you are uncomfortable doing that, the funeral director probably can.
If your loved one is a practicing Catholic, they may have opinions on which readings and hymns they want. Ask if they're still able to communicate. You may also want to ask them if they want last rites - which is reconciliation (confession), anointing of the sick, and the Eucharist (communion).
You will likely need to pay the church/priest, in addition to the altar servers and the organist.
posted by notjustthefish at 5:27 AM on June 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
At the start of the meal, or when it seems like a critical mass of people are there, stand up, thank everyone for coming, and say you've asked a few people to say words about the departed. If you are uncomfortable doing that, the funeral director probably can.
If your loved one is a practicing Catholic, they may have opinions on which readings and hymns they want. Ask if they're still able to communicate. You may also want to ask them if they want last rites - which is reconciliation (confession), anointing of the sick, and the Eucharist (communion).
You will likely need to pay the church/priest, in addition to the altar servers and the organist.
posted by notjustthefish at 5:27 AM on June 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
My mother was Catholic. When she died, the funeral home took care of everything (obituary, funeral arrangements with the church, cremation). We chose to not have her body at the funeral. She was cremated. The church guild provided a meal for all attendees in the church gathering hall (I assume my brother, who was the executor, provided a donation to them). At my brother's Catholic funeral (different church, different city than my mother's) there was a eulogy, and my other brother provided it. There was a meal (I think catered) for all attendees in the church's gathering hall after the service.
posted by SageTrail at 6:07 AM on June 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by SageTrail at 6:07 AM on June 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
At my mother's Catholic funeral, my father's Catholic funeral and also at another relatives Catholic funeral the priest (different priests each one) permitted for eulogies as part of the service. I was the one arranging my mother's and i asked the priest and he accommodated without protest, to have people come to the lectern after the mass was finished but before he officially dismissed the congregation.
The way it worked well for me was contact the Catholic parish that my mother belonged to and inform them of her death and arrange a meeting for myself with the priest and ask him to explain in explicit detail the proceedings.
It turned out there were several decisions i was required to make, i list them in no particular order.
Did i want the parish priest or other Catholic priest?
Date and time - several slots were available.
With or without communion for the congregation?
Music - did i want the church Organist? The parish choir?
Several places in the Catholic funeral service foresee congregational singing. Did i want that and If yes, which songs?
Would there be any musical contributions by friends/family of deceased (there were, as my mother knew several musicians. The priest suggested when they would fit best).
Did i want to choose the (required) readings? I let the priest choose them.
The priest also is required to give a Sermon which usually contains refernces to the deceased/their Life. So i provided him with bullet points to work from.
Also at several points the priest will pray out loud for deceased person. If the first name person was known by is different from baptised name, do provide it (eg Name at baptism is Agatha Marigold but Person was known as Goldie. Because this can ve very grating/weird if he constantly used the "wrong" name.
Also, in his sermon he may refer to the family members, again, do provide name and relationship. (What happened at my mother's funeral was he referred to a person as her adopted daughter, but in fact she was/is a family friend so very akward for all especially her.)
In a Catholic service there is also a section for intercessional prayer, when 3-4 people from the congregation come up to the lectern to pray out loud. These are persons who knew deceased. You can either ask them to write/compose their own prayer, or you write it. At my mother's funeral my aunties took Care of this among themselves, being active Catholics.
Flowers - i asked the funeral home to take care of that, no spoons left.
Also, yes you will need to pay the priest, altar boys/girls, church care taker and the organist (if having one).
All the details re the body and cremation i left entirely to the funeral home and they liaised directly with the church, the urn was placed in a table just below the altar with flowers and a photo of her.
The funeral home also arranged for the little memorial cards and handed them out as people left the church.
After the service there was the interrement, at the cemetary, which you wont have, right?
After that i had arranged for food and drinks at the church hall which was available for a donation plus Tip for the caretaker who would clean up.
As money was an issue i provided food and beverages myself, not through a caterer.
Looking back i wish my mother had told me some of her preferences, but she always refused to discuss details. If you are able to geht some preferences it will be helpful (Re Songs etc)
Much strength,
posted by 15L06 at 8:04 AM on June 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
The way it worked well for me was contact the Catholic parish that my mother belonged to and inform them of her death and arrange a meeting for myself with the priest and ask him to explain in explicit detail the proceedings.
It turned out there were several decisions i was required to make, i list them in no particular order.
Did i want the parish priest or other Catholic priest?
Date and time - several slots were available.
With or without communion for the congregation?
Music - did i want the church Organist? The parish choir?
Several places in the Catholic funeral service foresee congregational singing. Did i want that and If yes, which songs?
Would there be any musical contributions by friends/family of deceased (there were, as my mother knew several musicians. The priest suggested when they would fit best).
Did i want to choose the (required) readings? I let the priest choose them.
The priest also is required to give a Sermon which usually contains refernces to the deceased/their Life. So i provided him with bullet points to work from.
Also at several points the priest will pray out loud for deceased person. If the first name person was known by is different from baptised name, do provide it (eg Name at baptism is Agatha Marigold but Person was known as Goldie. Because this can ve very grating/weird if he constantly used the "wrong" name.
Also, in his sermon he may refer to the family members, again, do provide name and relationship. (What happened at my mother's funeral was he referred to a person as her adopted daughter, but in fact she was/is a family friend so very akward for all especially her.)
In a Catholic service there is also a section for intercessional prayer, when 3-4 people from the congregation come up to the lectern to pray out loud. These are persons who knew deceased. You can either ask them to write/compose their own prayer, or you write it. At my mother's funeral my aunties took Care of this among themselves, being active Catholics.
Flowers - i asked the funeral home to take care of that, no spoons left.
Also, yes you will need to pay the priest, altar boys/girls, church care taker and the organist (if having one).
All the details re the body and cremation i left entirely to the funeral home and they liaised directly with the church, the urn was placed in a table just below the altar with flowers and a photo of her.
The funeral home also arranged for the little memorial cards and handed them out as people left the church.
After the service there was the interrement, at the cemetary, which you wont have, right?
After that i had arranged for food and drinks at the church hall which was available for a donation plus Tip for the caretaker who would clean up.
As money was an issue i provided food and beverages myself, not through a caterer.
Looking back i wish my mother had told me some of her preferences, but she always refused to discuss details. If you are able to geht some preferences it will be helpful (Re Songs etc)
Much strength,
posted by 15L06 at 8:04 AM on June 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
People who have a secular service at the crematorium have the same need for a longer wake type thing afterwards. So if you ask the crematorium staff, they should be able to tell you where these people usually go. There will be some venue locally that gets most of this business. You may be able to get this venue for free or cheap, in return for the bar takings (unlike the church hall). You still need to pay for the catering, but the venue may be able to recommend caterers at different price points.
If you are up for some amount of "playing host", you can have a structured section at the beginning where you ask people to tell stories about the deceased. Just "tell us about how you knew them" generates a good bit of material. You'll need a glass and spoon or another way to get things back on topic if someone's anecdote leads to general chat when you were hoping for more stories.
If you're doing this then you need to figure out in advance what layout you need the room in (with or without tables and chairs, and how arranged), and know how it will get like that on the day.
posted by quacks like a duck at 9:09 AM on June 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
If you are up for some amount of "playing host", you can have a structured section at the beginning where you ask people to tell stories about the deceased. Just "tell us about how you knew them" generates a good bit of material. You'll need a glass and spoon or another way to get things back on topic if someone's anecdote leads to general chat when you were hoping for more stories.
If you're doing this then you need to figure out in advance what layout you need the room in (with or without tables and chairs, and how arranged), and know how it will get like that on the day.
posted by quacks like a duck at 9:09 AM on June 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
I've seen eulogies given in the middle of a Catholic mass, after the readings but before the priest starts doing the magic stuff at the altar. Would depend what the specific church allows, I imagine.
posted by zadcat at 9:34 AM on June 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by zadcat at 9:34 AM on June 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
Some related advice that might be useful:
- Write the obituary ahead of time. If the person has the health and personality to want to be involved, that's even better. You can then give a copy of the obituary to the priest as way of giving them a succinct background on the person. (I typed: "For Background Use" at the top to be clear that it wasn't intended to be the obituary)
- For the cremation, be sure to let the funeral home that you intend to transport the ashes. You will get them back in a plastic wrapped box with a seal from the crematorium that will allow you to take it through TSA without problems. Arrange for the nice urn (if you want one) with the remote funeral home and they will transfer the ashes for you.
- Check out the Funeral Consumer Alliance for funeral homes that will be transparent in their price. We found one that had the basic services we needed for 1/3 the price of the other options. They also explained what to do after the person died. I just put their phone number in the phone and they just took it from there. Also, it can take a few days for the body to be cremated and returned to the funeral - knowing that helped us with our planning.
posted by metahawk at 6:28 PM on June 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
- Write the obituary ahead of time. If the person has the health and personality to want to be involved, that's even better. You can then give a copy of the obituary to the priest as way of giving them a succinct background on the person. (I typed: "For Background Use" at the top to be clear that it wasn't intended to be the obituary)
- For the cremation, be sure to let the funeral home that you intend to transport the ashes. You will get them back in a plastic wrapped box with a seal from the crematorium that will allow you to take it through TSA without problems. Arrange for the nice urn (if you want one) with the remote funeral home and they will transfer the ashes for you.
- Check out the Funeral Consumer Alliance for funeral homes that will be transparent in their price. We found one that had the basic services we needed for 1/3 the price of the other options. They also explained what to do after the person died. I just put their phone number in the phone and they just took it from there. Also, it can take a few days for the body to be cremated and returned to the funeral - knowing that helped us with our planning.
posted by metahawk at 6:28 PM on June 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
Does the person actually expect a formal funeral?
Would they be open to some kind of combination of a funeral and a "wake"?
Book a venue, have food and drinks, maybe hire someone to present a speech and then encourage people to share their stories. When inviting people to the service, mention that you'd love for people to come prepared with any anecdotes, stories, memories.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:09 AM on June 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
Would they be open to some kind of combination of a funeral and a "wake"?
Book a venue, have food and drinks, maybe hire someone to present a speech and then encourage people to share their stories. When inviting people to the service, mention that you'd love for people to come prepared with any anecdotes, stories, memories.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:09 AM on June 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
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posted by rikschell at 4:45 AM on June 3, 2023 [5 favorites]