Boyfriend died, what do?

June 15, 2017 3:48 PM

Yesterday my boyfriend committed suicide in our home. I'm out of town, heading back. I have no idea what I'm doing. I've never lost anyone before.

I am contacting a therapist for grief counseling. He didn't leave any kind of will. He has family who are local and I will be working with them. I have a support system in place. I'd appreciate any help, resources, advice, anecdotes regarding the following:

He owned our condo. Mortgage?
Funeral?
His belongings - anything legal?
His financials: bank account, mutual fund, credit cards, bills.
Accessing his computer
Facebook
Grief
His health insurance and doctors
He owned a business with his brother.
Anything else I haven't considered.

We are in California. Thank you.

posted by meemzi to Society & Culture (16 answers total)

I'm so sorry for your loss.

As far as ownership of things (mortgage, belongings, bank accounts) - since you weren't married and (I'm guessing?) he doesn't have any kids, his parents are his "next of kin" in California. If his parents aren't alive then it goes through a list of other options.. Legally, they will own all his stuff and they're the only people that will be able to close bank accounts and deal with his health insurance.

Being able to stay in your place might get tricky - presumably you'd need to either buy it or rent it from his parents/heir, and they don't have to let you do either (in the long term, anyway - they aren't allowed to just kick you out tomorrow. But they are your landlord now). I hope it works out.

His business his brother will need to work out - presumably they had some sort of legal documentation there that will help deal with that, and his brother will need to deal with lawyers.

For Facebook, you can memorialize his account.

A lot of this stuff will take a long time to settle. Put on your oxygen mask first, as they say - go to counseling, join some support groups.
posted by brainmouse at 4:04 PM on June 15, 2017 [7 favorites]

Mod note: friendly note: please read the entire question before answering, thanks.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 4:09 PM on June 15, 2017 [7 favorites]

All I can think of is if you paid rent, and bought something large together. If you paid him rent, you should possibly talk to a lawyer (which I am not) about the status of your residency.

If you put significant funds in something like a shared car or buisness, you might have some claim there.

But really, as far as I, not a lawyer, can tell about the situation, if he is intestate (no will) then everything you listed falls to the executors of his estate, which is likely his parents, as brainmouse' link shows.

I'm so sorry you are going through this!
posted by Jacen at 4:23 PM on June 15, 2017

How long have you been living together? Have you always lived in CA? You may have some rights to a portion of the estate, depending on some length/seriousness tests.
posted by corb at 5:02 PM on June 15, 2017 [3 favorites]

The first thing you need to do is take a breath and slow down. You will have time to resolve property issues down the road. You are in shock. Get through the funeral, then talk to a probate lawyer the following week. Estate can't normally be opened until 30 days after death, anyway.
If you feel the need to do something, go through and organize papers. Resist the urge to try to take care of everything now. Talk to the lawyer about all your questions; its nothing they haven't seen before.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I do probate (not in CA) and recognize your reactions. It will all be resolved, but it will take time.
posted by Sweet Dee Kat at 5:21 PM on June 15, 2017 [9 favorites]

I'm so sorry, huge hugs if you want them. There are lots of post-death checklists online that can start to help with some of the logistics. What isn't in all of those checklists is the fact that losing someone is always tough, and loss to suicide can be particularly complicated. Anger is common. Guilt is common. You'll probably be around people expressing an array of emotions. Seek out support from people who specifically have experience in helping folks grapple with suicide. Counselors at suicide hotlines are a place to start for getting some support.
posted by salvia at 5:21 PM on June 15, 2017 [1 favorite]

It looks like California doesn't recognize the concept of "common law" marriages, so anything you do that is in any way related to his estate will be in service of, and at the direction of, his parents or whoever is his next of kin. As a general rule, the more helpful you are to his next of kin the more likely you are to get some consideration (such as being able to stay in the condo in the near term) from them. With that said, they are probably as overwhelmed as you are so working together with them can help you all heal.

Be gentle with yourself. Grieving properly is a different order of magnitude from the "things" that need to be done; it's not something you can just check off a box and be done with it. Your therapist and your support system can be a big help to you, if you let them.
posted by DrGail at 5:23 PM on June 15, 2017 [2 favorites]

Do you have somewhere else to stay for a few days? Or someone who will stay with you? It seems like it could be very difficult to stay alone in the home where you boyfriend took his life. Sure to evoke a lot of sadness and not conducive to rest.

Will you work give you time for bereavement? Some work places do allow for a few days off. You might want to ask your boss for a few days to get yourself sorted.

You might want to fill out a mail forwarding form, once you find out where mail should go to, but the executors of the estate might handle that.

Do you have any written correspondence that indicates what your boyfriend wanted in the event of his death? Where he would want money to go? Charities he supported? If so, you could gather that up, make copies and give it to the family.
posted by brookeb at 5:42 PM on June 15, 2017 [3 favorites]

I am so very sorry for your pain. I agree with the others that there is very little to be done in the next few days, and his family will likely need to take the lead in completing the official duties and legalities. It will be important to focus on prioritizing your needs and support and moving from there.
1) You need a safe, supportive place to stay. You can make the determination of whether that is in the home you shared, or if it makes more sense to be elsewhere for a little while.
2) You need to have people to lean on. Think of who your support team will be and give yourself permission to lean on them. They can help you prepare a suitcase if you choose to be someplace else, and can help make calls and any "business" things you need to attend to.
3) I'm so glad you are finding a therapist. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has some excellent resources for loved ones of people who have died by suicide. They are available for help too if you feel in crisis.

Eventually, you will need to discuss with his family what the plan will be for your home. Having an attorney may be useful once those decisions are being made. First, allow yourself to move through the shock a bit. Don't feel compelled to make snap decisions about anything right now.

Sending you hopes for comfort and peace in the days to come.
posted by goggie at 6:21 PM on June 15, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'm sorry for your loss. I would see a therapist and also consult an attorney about your rights to any shared property or benefits. It was unclear to me - and I don't live where you do - whether you might have common law rights, depending on how long you were together. I don't mean this as a "see what you can get", but more in terms of whether you are obligated to a share of anything, especially a condo where you paid rent.
posted by shockpoppet at 6:47 PM on June 15, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'm very sorry this has happened.

Mortgage? Funeral? Bank account, mutual fund, credit cards, bills?

These are now all the property of and/or responsibility of his estate or next of kin, who in CA is likely to be his parents rather than you. They may do the right thing and honor you as his partner, or they... might not. Or things may change over the next short while. Or they may not.

Even if you have been close, it is possible for grief to change things. It can twist people. Suicide can be especially difficult because those left behind often need to displace rage and anger. It may be beneficial to understand that may happen even if you don't expect it to, to know that is one thing that could happen, to know that if it does it has literally nothing to do with you as a person or a partner.

Anything else I haven't considered.

Pets?
posted by DarlingBri at 6:37 AM on June 16, 2017 [2 favorites]

You have a very tough week ahead. I would make a pact with his family that you give yourselves some time before you start to deal with the legal stuff. You can't wait too long, but maybe set a date for a week from now to sit down and start talking about how to handle. Let them handle the funeral arrangements.

The main issue for you is going to be the condo and it's contents. Do you want to stay there? Or do you want to move as soon as possible? What items do you consider to be yours? As hard as it is, you will need to speak up in a clear but respectful manner, because direct communication with your boyfriend's family is going to make a huge difference.

I'm so sorry, this is an awful thing to deal with.
posted by raisingsand at 6:48 AM on June 16, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can't offer much in terms of logistics, but grief-wise, I can offer that the workbook for the Grief Recovery Method has been incredibly helpful to me in managing and honoring my grief and the relationships I've had. You can get the book on Amazon, it's worth every penny. Grief comes and goes and there will be times when you feel almost "normal," and then you feel guilty for that. It is all a part of the process and there's no wrong way to do it, there's just your way. Take care.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 7:21 AM on June 16, 2017 [2 favorites]

With regard to addressing your grief:

afsp.org has come great resources (as goggie mentioned above).

If you are anywhere near Palo Alto, Kara is a grief support organization that can help with counseling, support groups, and other resources. If you are not near them, they may be able to refer you to a similar group near you.

Both the AFSP and Kara helped me more than I can describe after my brother's suicide. I wish you peace and healing. Hugs.
posted by Boogiechild at 8:24 AM on June 16, 2017

When my father passed away, my mom and I dealt with the cremation arrangements almost immediately so that it was taken care of. Like, we drove from the hospital to the crematorium he had picked out and signed all the paper work. I gathered from everyone there that was somewhat unusual. But mom wanted it done.

Being in the house that my dad built and knowing he was never coming home was hard that first night. It was not something that I think I could do alone. I had my mom and husband with me, as well as our dog and it made it more tolerable. I would strongly suggest asking a friend or a family member to come stay with you tonight.

All the bills and the mortgage and all that can wait until you have a day or two to start processing and like everyone has said above, the majority of the responsibility to dealing with his assets and so forth will fall to his family members. That said, if you do have to move out or at least put his things in storage, don't do it alone. There was a moment that I cried for two hours on the floor of my parent's bedroom because of socks.

Everyone tells you not to make big decisions after a loss, but that's when life is forcing you to do so. My mother decided to sell her home and move across three states to be closer to me. She also got a dog, bought a new house, and went for vacation in Florida for a month. I quit my job and moved to the other side of the state because I needed to be doing something that matters. It hits you hard and sometimes you can't really tell if you're motivated by grief or if it's a thing you are doing because you actually need to do it.
posted by teleri025 at 1:57 PM on June 16, 2017 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thank you all for your help and kind words. That's about all I can say.
posted by meemzi at 9:18 PM on June 16, 2017 [2 favorites]