How not to become bitter about love
June 2, 2023 6:19 PM   Subscribe

As a woman who is equal parts unfeminine, kinda plain-looking, opinionated, and picky, I've never been very lucky with love. Until suddenly I was, and it felt like a small miracle... until it ended. How can I pick myself back up and get back to my Awesome Single Life without getting bitter or falling into despair about the idea of love and romance not being in my future?

For a solid decade plus, I was very much on team Strong Independent Woman, Don't Need No Man - went on a few underwhelming dates with the vanishingly few guys I matched with on OKC (like, 3-4 a YEAR) and a phase where I consciously tried to "femme up" and fell into a couple 1-2 month relationships where I had to end things because I just didn't feel anything, to the point where I wondered if I was actually aromantic. Mostly I just lived my life, went to grad school, got a good job and some hobbies and was happy with being single.

Then through sheer dumb luck (or pandemic-related restlessness, or SOMETHING), one of those OKC dates finally clicked, and I found out that no, it's actually pretty awesome to be into someone and have them be into you, too. We were each other's first serious relationship and learned a lot about how to be with someone, live together, resolve conflicts, etc. But eventually it didn't work out, in a way where his issues make me wonder if he was ever truly into me in the first place, or I was just most convenient girlfriend-shaped person at that time in his life.

At this point I think I am mostly at peace with the fact that we didn't work out, but all of that sadness and disappointment has turned into dread at the prospect of having to go through all of this again. It's almost worse now than before - it's like I didn't know how good chocolate ice cream could taste until I tried it, but now I've become lactose intolerant and can't have it without feeling very ill afterwards (poor analogy but you get my drift).

The dread and despair comes from this: it took me a good 10 years (from 18-28) to find one (1) person I liked who liked me back, and that didn't work out despite us trying very, very hard. I'm 31 now, and I personally know many beautiful, smart, accomplished women my age who are looking for good partners and not finding them and I can't help but think.. if they can't do it, how could I possibly have a chance? I realize that there is a probably a lot of internalized misogyny and ageism that I haven't quite shaken (the idea of women "losing value" as they age) bubbling back up, but it also just feels like realism. How can I shake that feeling and get my groove back, particularly if I do one day want to have love in my life again?
posted by btfreek to Human Relations (14 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
 
31. lol

You are awesome, and don't let anyone make you think otherwise.

You will probably have to go through this again. It is hard to find your person. Now you know the kind of ice cream you like. Find that ice cream by being who you are.
posted by Windopaene at 6:25 PM on June 2, 2023 [18 favorites]


Yep, that's internalized ageism and misogyny, you've got it. Love is a crap shoot in general, but it's always a solid strategy to know your own worth, whether Cupid has happened to shoot you this week or not.
posted by shadygrove at 6:31 PM on June 2, 2023 [4 favorites]


Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved etc etc blah blah blah. No, actually, Tennyson was right about that.

The relationship ending doesn’t render it not real or meaningful, and it certainly doesn’t mean he wasn’t into you. Most relationships do end. Even good ones.

What would you tell your good pal (or me, a stranger) in her forties? Probably something a lot nicer than what you’re telling yourself at 31! Probably you’d want her to live her life and keep the hope of love alive if she wanted to find love. Probably you’d tell her that she doesn’t have to be a 19 year old beauty queen to deserve love.

I see people coupled up every day at every age and look IRL. If I only looked at the internet, these couples I see would be impossible, and yet here they are, in the world. It’s not EASY to find someone, but that’s true for most of us ordinary people.
posted by kapers at 7:19 PM on June 2, 2023 [2 favorites]


It sounds like you’re in a normal post-relationship stage, if knowing that helps at all. I find that expecting it to be a transitory stage that one just has to spend some time suffering through has helped shorten the duration, as well as helped me avoid worrying too much about becoming embittered/avoid getting stuck in that stage and becoming embittered.
posted by eviemath at 7:53 PM on June 2, 2023


There are a few things to do, but the main thing is to stop talking down to yourself. I had very similar thoughts and reading both "Intimate Connections" by David Burns and "How to Be an Adult in Relationships" by David Richo were exceedingly exceedingly helpful. The other answer is, you have to try and strike out and try again. If anything, having that prior relationship WILL help you find someone sooner, because you'll have an idea. Relationships aren't about looks (at least not the good ones), they're about luck and being in the right place at the right time. Just keep going on dates and don't give up. And your friends who aren't in relationships - it's the same for them. Except sometimes people claim they're looking but they really aren't, so try not to compare yourself.
posted by randomquestion at 7:59 PM on June 2, 2023 [1 favorite]


Oh, it'll actually be muuuch easier now, because you know what actual attraction looks like, and that there is *no point* trying to coax relationships along into the 1-2 month range -
before, you'd never had actual attraction before, and therefore were doing what you thought you were 'supposed to do', and wondering why it didn't work, or as you pointed out, whether you were aromantic etc.


You are going to waste *so much less time* from now on. You know it exists now, you've seen it, and yeah it always sucks after a breakup, but at least there's the confidence that it is possible.

What will probably happen is that you won't go for 2nd or 3rd dates with these people you aren't attracted too. Now that you recognise what it actually feels like to be interested, you might spot that in hobbies outside dating websites, and if you do, just say something really low pressure like, "I really like *x about you*, if you ever wanted to go out for drinks, I would say yes" and then leave the ball in their court, if they would prefer to stick to friends etc.

Once you know what attraction feels like, you may find yourself wanting to *be* more attractive to the people you are attracted to, but that's not random shit like trying to be more femme even when that doesn't feel like you, no, it's wanting to come across as more impressive to the people you like, and maybe you like people who are impressed by... Artistic talent, or being involved in the community, etc. Things that you can ask good friends about, because they are usually about being more of the person you want to be, rather than someone else's ideal.
And sometimes that is about appearance, but usually more of the style where, if you are really good at art, or into a certain style, then you can use your appearance to display those interests - which won't be the same as everyone else's interests, obviously.


Before, you didn't even know what you were looking for. Now you have a much better idea of what it is and what it feels like. It will be easier now.
posted by Elysum at 10:59 PM on June 2, 2023 [5 favorites]


Oh, and once you know what you're looking for, you will probably find more people interested in *you*. It just seems to work that way. Something about the clarity of knowing what you *don't* want, and not wasting time on it, is attractive?
Rather than just trying to... Roll things along.

But just because more of those people are attracted to you, you still need to hold out for people *you* are attracted to, rather than people you feel like you 'should be' attracted to.
But it kinda helps socially at least?

And helps match with more people on dating sites etc. Even when your profile is just something like, that you're looking for a relationship where "it's actually pretty awesome to be into someone and have them be into you, too.", something about that has confidence, and pictures where you felt like that will convey that.
You might not *feel* like getting back on the saddle right away, but this isn't your first rodeo anymore. You've been in a serious relationship, you have 'job experience'. 😂
posted by Elysum at 11:09 PM on June 2, 2023 [1 favorite]


I didn't have a significant and lasting relationship until my late 30's, so don't despair on account of your age. (Although I do absolutely get the anxiety you feel at your age about others partnering up all around you.) You will have other relationships if you are open to them, and probably, yes, other heartbreaks. But the possibility of loss is not a good reason to avoid relationships--it's the flip side of the coin of how deeply we value good relationships. I think the best outlook is to assume that some of your life will be spent as a strong-independent-woman-who-don't-need-no-man (and it's great that you can really embrace that), and some will be partnered up with someone you adore, and you can't predict what the intervals will be.

It is "dumb luck" whenever we meet someone we really click with, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's rare; it's just unpredictable. Throughout your life you will have many opportunities for many kinds of relationships with many kinds of people. Some will be romantic. It takes courage to make yourself vulnerable to getting hurt again, but there is value even in a short relationship that ends in hurt, because, well, that's what living life fully is about.

My eventual long term partner was married to someone else when we were in our 20's and early 30's, so it's also a good reminder that people getting partnered up isn't a zero sum game. Relationships are shifting all around you all the time, and people need and look for different things in others at different stages in their lives. Remind yourself that everyone's path is unique and you will find your groove again.
posted by amusebuche at 11:10 PM on June 2, 2023 [2 favorites]


If 52 divorced unglamorous me can find someone (currently dating an awesome guy), so can you.

But then...many guys at age 31 are newly married or in the middle of the kid years. So your field might actually increase as you age and people end marriages that have run their course.

In the meantime, others have offered much good advice and encouragement. Love is awesome but it is only one part of life, and you have a lot of life yet to live. Every failed relationship teaches you what you really want.
posted by emjaybee at 11:39 PM on June 2, 2023 [2 favorites]


From the perspective of being older than you, I'll just say that dang, 31 is so young! Personally I found my first (and still ongoing) healthy, good, mutually respectful, long-term relationship just a few years younger than you are now. Younger than that, I was still making mistakes and once in a while learning from them, and I'm so glad that none of my earlier relationships "worked" in the sense of leading to marriage or commitment, because none of them were actually worth long-term investment. It still felt sad and terrible when those relationships ended, because even the worst of them still had lots of good parts, but in hindsight I don't feel bad about that at all.

As others have said, you're now at an age when people you might be dating might well have kids, or very much want kids, or have decided No Kids Ever, and you'll have to navigate how that fits into your own plans and desires. And you are now at an age where people have at least some baggage (like from a previous relationship that ended badly, or one that never started), and everyone needs to navigate that together.

equal parts unfeminine, kinda plain-looking, opinionated, and picky

These are going to be basically filters. You'll need to filter out lots of people who aren't looking for this (who want a very traditionally feminine and passive person, say), but the people who are into this will be very into this. So probably fewer first dates but also probably a much higher chance of a connection leading to something.

Overall, you sound really down on yourself, but actually to me in your description you sound like an amazing person who would be fun to be around.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:36 AM on June 3, 2023 [3 favorites]


I’m just going to comment on the age thing because I’ve struggled with it myself. It’s so easy to internalize all of these toxic messages from the culture that women have “expiry dates.” I’d read the things that shitty men said on Twitter and I’d get the impression that this was really true. But here’s the thing: unlike what the shitty men want you to believe, most relationships don’t look like Leonardo DiCaprio’s. I looked at the real people I knew in my life and saw that most couples were pretty close in age, and many women found love in their 40s and 50s, and none of my single 30-something female friends were having any trouble getting dates.
posted by vanitas at 12:07 PM on June 3, 2023 [2 favorites]


My first relationship, serious or otherwise, started at 30 and ended at 34.

The end of a first relationship is just a shit of a thing to get over. That illusion that you've lost The One is just so strong.

You haven't. If you keep an eye out, a completely different One will be along in due course. My One and I have been partners for 26 years and married for 22 at this point.

So I recommend getting back to your Awesome Single Life while not writing off the idea that Awesome Partnered Life might turn up at some point. Any time you start getting bitter about the idea that it never will, remind yourself that you can't possibly know that.

Awesome Partnered Life is not guaranteed to be better than Awesome Single Life, by the way, just different. For a start it's an apples to oranges comparison, and for another thing none of us can possibly know how our lives would be if they were not as they are. We can only ever guess. But as long as they're both some flavour of Awesome Life, who cares? I recommend consistently guessing that what you currently have is as good as it gets, and keeping on doing whatever you can to keep that guess as good as possible.
posted by flabdablet at 12:42 PM on June 3, 2023 [1 favorite]


Yeah, seconding Dip Flash. You sound great and I think having a strong sense of yourself to act as a filter is a plus for dating. Finding a relationship isn't a contest where you have to rank the highest for being the most beautiful, feminine, diplomatic, what have you; it's more like a matching game, or something? I would not describe myself with any of those adjectives, have not dated a lot of people, and didn't start out very early; but i've ultimately had more success in long term relationships than many lovely people I know who seem, to me, like they'd have better luck than I do. I'm sort of an acquired taste, and a picky one, but that just means that when I (occasionally) find the right sort of person I am reasonably confident it'll be a good fit. If you find someone else, and I think you will, it's going to be someone who values the things about you that make you you.
posted by ferret branca at 8:30 PM on June 4, 2023


Which I guess doesn't quite answer the question, oops. I guess I mean, be patient, and keep up the good work? Sorry if that's not helpful! :)
posted by ferret branca at 8:31 PM on June 4, 2023


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