Complications around committing to my boyfriend
April 30, 2023 3:21 AM Subscribe
I've posted about my boyfriend before here, I'm still with him and it's getting to the stage where we are thinking about making a commitment i.e moving back in with him and taking steps to getting married.
Things are a lot better now. I've blocked his ex and realised all that stuff was largely about me and my own issues. I'm progressing in my career with his support and I feel quite a bit happier, we seem to have moved past a lot of concerns.
However, throughout the years I've leaned on my sisters and brother through the tough times and I have only told them the bad things. As I have done here (so you guys will probably empathise with them). So they really dislike him. He is aware somewhat of this, but not the full extent.
I am going to be planning a brunch and a couple other meet ups so they can get to know him a bit more but yesterday they basically told me they aren't keen on meeting him at all and expressed their concerns. I tried to persuade them things have changed but they didn't seem convinced and said "if you knew someone had hurt us like he's hurt you, you wouldn't like them either."
I feel terrible and terribly guilty towards my boyfriend. I've put myself in an awful position and really shouldn't have gone to them with my issues as I have caused rifts. I've also demonised my boyfriend to them and now they can't seem to accept that things might have changed. I hugely regret confiding in them about any of this stuff.
They said they will meet him and be polite but I don't think they care to get to know him any better. I know that I created this situation and I feel awful and that this is all my fault.
How do you suggest I find a way through this situation?
However, throughout the years I've leaned on my sisters and brother through the tough times and I have only told them the bad things. As I have done here (so you guys will probably empathise with them). So they really dislike him. He is aware somewhat of this, but not the full extent.
I am going to be planning a brunch and a couple other meet ups so they can get to know him a bit more but yesterday they basically told me they aren't keen on meeting him at all and expressed their concerns. I tried to persuade them things have changed but they didn't seem convinced and said "if you knew someone had hurt us like he's hurt you, you wouldn't like them either."
I feel terrible and terribly guilty towards my boyfriend. I've put myself in an awful position and really shouldn't have gone to them with my issues as I have caused rifts. I've also demonised my boyfriend to them and now they can't seem to accept that things might have changed. I hugely regret confiding in them about any of this stuff.
They said they will meet him and be polite but I don't think they care to get to know him any better. I know that I created this situation and I feel awful and that this is all my fault.
How do you suggest I find a way through this situation?
Response by poster: Sorry I should add that my relationship with my family is also strained due to our abusive upbringing. For example the same sister who is saying she dislikes my boyfriend has said she wouldn't let me move in with her if I was struggling with rent because it would be triggering to be around me due to our shared trauma.
So it's not cut and dried.
I personally don't feel I can truly lean on anyone in my family at this point and have to make the hard choices for my own future.
posted by Sunflower88 at 3:45 AM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
So it's not cut and dried.
I personally don't feel I can truly lean on anyone in my family at this point and have to make the hard choices for my own future.
posted by Sunflower88 at 3:45 AM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
That makes it complicated for sure.
Especially if you feel as if following your sister's advice means you're accepting her more general view of you and your reality.
It's clear from what you say that in many other ways, following your sister's view of how things should be, would be wrong for you.
That doesn't mean she's wrong about this particular thing though.
It's a bit like the writing advice, that if someone tells you that there's something wrong with a story you've written, they're usually wrong about what the problem is, but they're almost always right that there is a problem.
I'm sorry you don't have a bigger support network, having to rely on family who aren't *really * supportive of who you really are is very difficult.
posted by Zumbador at 4:35 AM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
Especially if you feel as if following your sister's advice means you're accepting her more general view of you and your reality.
It's clear from what you say that in many other ways, following your sister's view of how things should be, would be wrong for you.
That doesn't mean she's wrong about this particular thing though.
It's a bit like the writing advice, that if someone tells you that there's something wrong with a story you've written, they're usually wrong about what the problem is, but they're almost always right that there is a problem.
I'm sorry you don't have a bigger support network, having to rely on family who aren't *really * supportive of who you really are is very difficult.
posted by Zumbador at 4:35 AM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
I know that I created this situation and I feel awful and that this is all my fault.
That you think this is incredibly worrying. You did absolutely the right thing by seeking support from your family when you were struggling in your relationship.
As Zumbador says, the person who created this situation was your boyfriend, not you. I remember from one of your recent posts (in your comments in the bin bag thread) you said that your boyfriend despaired of you to the point of almost being a dealbreaker, for being “impulsive and thoughtless” but then you described utterly normal human behaviour (accidentally using the wrong pan; accidentally spilling some bin juice).
It seems like you are in a pattern where you utterly believe that everything is your fault, when you are in fact doing completely normal, human, unproblematic things.
Are you in therapy? Because I think you need to explore this before getting trapped - sorry, settling down - with this man.
Sorry, that’s not an answer to your question of how to get through this awkwardness. Life is sometimes awkward and the only way out is through. But please listen to your family.
It’s probably a good thing for them all to meet - maybe they’ll turn around and say “Oh, you know what, we can see things have changed! He treats you with respect now and you seem really calm and happy when you’re with him.”
If they don’t say that, then please listen to your family.
Do you feel calm and happy with him? You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel calm and happy, not like you’re doing everything wrong.
posted by penguin pie at 4:36 AM on April 30, 2023 [20 favorites]
That you think this is incredibly worrying. You did absolutely the right thing by seeking support from your family when you were struggling in your relationship.
As Zumbador says, the person who created this situation was your boyfriend, not you. I remember from one of your recent posts (in your comments in the bin bag thread) you said that your boyfriend despaired of you to the point of almost being a dealbreaker, for being “impulsive and thoughtless” but then you described utterly normal human behaviour (accidentally using the wrong pan; accidentally spilling some bin juice).
It seems like you are in a pattern where you utterly believe that everything is your fault, when you are in fact doing completely normal, human, unproblematic things.
Are you in therapy? Because I think you need to explore this before getting trapped - sorry, settling down - with this man.
Sorry, that’s not an answer to your question of how to get through this awkwardness. Life is sometimes awkward and the only way out is through. But please listen to your family.
It’s probably a good thing for them all to meet - maybe they’ll turn around and say “Oh, you know what, we can see things have changed! He treats you with respect now and you seem really calm and happy when you’re with him.”
If they don’t say that, then please listen to your family.
Do you feel calm and happy with him? You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel calm and happy, not like you’re doing everything wrong.
posted by penguin pie at 4:36 AM on April 30, 2023 [20 favorites]
There's nothing you have to do here. They've agreed to meet him, but are also being clear about their justified reservations. That sounds like a pretty reasonable path ahead so just... Do that. Have your brunch. Maybe he'll charm them and it'll be fine. Maybe it'll keep being awkward but everyone can be polite enough for an occasional brunch, and that's also fine. Maybe he'll be a huge jerk and confirm their worst fears and if that happens you'll have important information about whether he's actually fixed how badly he treats you.
If you're worried about your boyfriend's feelings here you can put that firmly into a box labeled Not Your Problem. His actions created this problem and part of making that up to you can be taking responsibility for your family's feelings and taking on the long term work of being reliably good to you, which may have one nice side effect of eventually softening their feelings about him.
posted by Stacey at 4:58 AM on April 30, 2023 [23 favorites]
If you're worried about your boyfriend's feelings here you can put that firmly into a box labeled Not Your Problem. His actions created this problem and part of making that up to you can be taking responsibility for your family's feelings and taking on the long term work of being reliably good to you, which may have one nice side effect of eventually softening their feelings about him.
posted by Stacey at 4:58 AM on April 30, 2023 [23 favorites]
>I really shouldn't have gone to them with my issues as I have caused rifts.
If there's a rift, it's because your boyfriend was being a jerk, not because you accurately reported that he was being a jerk. Women not telling people when their boyfriends are being jerks is actually a sign of abuse (called "isolation") so make sure you always tell people how he acts. If it makes them dislike him, take that information as gold.
Your siblings may be wrong about many things, but at this point they're actually right about your relationship. It has been extremely unhealthy for you, and personally I'm skeptical that it's actually going to ever become healthy for you - people don't usually change that much and patterns of power and behaviour become ingrained.
You've also shown previous fawning responses to conflict with him (Panic about conflict / believing it's all your fault / seeing conflict as a sign that you're "broken" / feeling that you must smooth it over / immense distress instead of reflection or analysis when there is a conflict) so that probably makes them think you're just trying to make peace to keep things going rather than actually having rooted through the conflict, called this guy out for the bad things he's said and done, him taking accountability and apologizing and changing, and overall you taking control in an open and assertive way.
So by all means hang out together with this guy and your siblings, and make sure pay close attention to the observations they make about your relationship, and thank them warmly for whatever they share. If the relationship actually is healthy, they'll come around.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:30 AM on April 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
If there's a rift, it's because your boyfriend was being a jerk, not because you accurately reported that he was being a jerk. Women not telling people when their boyfriends are being jerks is actually a sign of abuse (called "isolation") so make sure you always tell people how he acts. If it makes them dislike him, take that information as gold.
Your siblings may be wrong about many things, but at this point they're actually right about your relationship. It has been extremely unhealthy for you, and personally I'm skeptical that it's actually going to ever become healthy for you - people don't usually change that much and patterns of power and behaviour become ingrained.
You've also shown previous fawning responses to conflict with him (Panic about conflict / believing it's all your fault / seeing conflict as a sign that you're "broken" / feeling that you must smooth it over / immense distress instead of reflection or analysis when there is a conflict) so that probably makes them think you're just trying to make peace to keep things going rather than actually having rooted through the conflict, called this guy out for the bad things he's said and done, him taking accountability and apologizing and changing, and overall you taking control in an open and assertive way.
So by all means hang out together with this guy and your siblings, and make sure pay close attention to the observations they make about your relationship, and thank them warmly for whatever they share. If the relationship actually is healthy, they'll come around.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:30 AM on April 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
You say you feel responsible for your family having a poor view of your partner because over the years you’ve only told them about the times he’s treated you badly.
If you had a blank piece of paper, could you easily list twenty times your partner has treated you well or been kind to you which you’ve never told them about? Ten times? One or two times?
My point is, if there’s a big list of times he’s been great that you’ve never told them about, then perhaps you’re correct that their poor opinion of him isn’t merited.
If, however, you can’t think of anything to put on that list, maybe you’ve represented what he’s actually like fairly to them.
posted by damsel with a dulcimer at 5:40 AM on April 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
If you had a blank piece of paper, could you easily list twenty times your partner has treated you well or been kind to you which you’ve never told them about? Ten times? One or two times?
My point is, if there’s a big list of times he’s been great that you’ve never told them about, then perhaps you’re correct that their poor opinion of him isn’t merited.
If, however, you can’t think of anything to put on that list, maybe you’ve represented what he’s actually like fairly to them.
posted by damsel with a dulcimer at 5:40 AM on April 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
I just feel like there are so many other people out there in the world who you can date, who don't have a history of treating you poorly.
posted by phunniemee at 5:45 AM on April 30, 2023 [22 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 5:45 AM on April 30, 2023 [22 favorites]
Leaving aside the question of whether this is a good relationship -
Is your boyfriend aware of how your relationship's affected you over the years? It feels like if he's actually serious about building a good relationship, he'll take some serious responsibility both for how his behavior affected you and for how it affected your family. You say "how do you suggest I find a way through this situation?", but it's not just your job - it's also his.
If you knew that your boyfriend's siblings were justly wary of you because of various ways you'd treated him over the years, would you feel any need to work at improving your relationship with them? If so, how do you feel about your boyfriend's efforts here?
If you stay with him, is he someone who's going to work seriously at helping you maintain family ties throughout the potentially many long years of your relationship (assuming you want to maintain those ties), or is he going to be a passive factor in letting things deteriorate against your wishes?
posted by trig at 6:09 AM on April 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
Is your boyfriend aware of how your relationship's affected you over the years? It feels like if he's actually serious about building a good relationship, he'll take some serious responsibility both for how his behavior affected you and for how it affected your family. You say "how do you suggest I find a way through this situation?", but it's not just your job - it's also his.
If you knew that your boyfriend's siblings were justly wary of you because of various ways you'd treated him over the years, would you feel any need to work at improving your relationship with them? If so, how do you feel about your boyfriend's efforts here?
If you stay with him, is he someone who's going to work seriously at helping you maintain family ties throughout the potentially many long years of your relationship (assuming you want to maintain those ties), or is he going to be a passive factor in letting things deteriorate against your wishes?
posted by trig at 6:09 AM on April 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
My darling, this man once told you he might throw your relationship away because you chose the wrong pan when you cooked a frittata. Not only that, he managed to convince you that this was a stain on YOUR character, instead of an indication that he has a cruel streak and unreasonable expectations. There may be a hundred wonderful things about him that you've never told anyone, but this man is a poop milkshake.
posted by Ausamor at 7:06 AM on April 30, 2023 [46 favorites]
posted by Ausamor at 7:06 AM on April 30, 2023 [46 favorites]
What if you stopped trying to control ALL the narratives about who is right and who is wrong and what to say to whom when and just stated your desires and your needs?
posted by warriorqueen at 7:13 AM on April 30, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 7:13 AM on April 30, 2023 [8 favorites]
Adding on to Ausamor's excellent words...my husband would NEVER EVER EVER threaten to throw away our relationship, EVEN WHEN WE WERE DATING, over using the "wrong" pan for frittata. Never. Wouldn't even ever occur to him. In fact, he'd step in if I was berating myself and remind me that we're all human and everyone makes mistakes.
There is someone out there who will be that person for you. I doubt it's your current boyfriend. He has already shown you who he is, and he's not a nice person to you.
posted by cooker girl at 7:14 AM on April 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
There is someone out there who will be that person for you. I doubt it's your current boyfriend. He has already shown you who he is, and he's not a nice person to you.
posted by cooker girl at 7:14 AM on April 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
You can’t control what your sister and the rest of your family thinks of your BF.
However, your question mentions nothing about what HE is doing to be a better partner to you. Has he genuinely apologized for being a jerk and made actual changes in his behavior? All you discuss is how you have changed. Unless you omitted any particulars about what responsibility he is taking wrt how he’s been a terrible boyfriend, I’d dump him today and take a couple years to work on yourself and learn to be a happy person on your own. It is very possible! Wishing you the very best!
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 7:15 AM on April 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
However, your question mentions nothing about what HE is doing to be a better partner to you. Has he genuinely apologized for being a jerk and made actual changes in his behavior? All you discuss is how you have changed. Unless you omitted any particulars about what responsibility he is taking wrt how he’s been a terrible boyfriend, I’d dump him today and take a couple years to work on yourself and learn to be a happy person on your own. It is very possible! Wishing you the very best!
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 7:15 AM on April 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
I agree with others that if your family is to warm up to your partner, him doing the work of showing up and being nice to you and them is the way that will happen.
I hope you’re able to take the comments here from people who are skeptical about your boyfriend as a sign that this community likes you and is rooting for you.
posted by eirias at 7:19 AM on April 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
I hope you’re able to take the comments here from people who are skeptical about your boyfriend as a sign that this community likes you and is rooting for you.
posted by eirias at 7:19 AM on April 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
So, first, this guy sounds terrible, even taking into account that you're telling just one side of the story.
But second, taking you at your word that he has turned things around and the relationship is now healthy, and assuming that this continues into the future, it's going to take a long time to (re)build trust between him and your family. It won't happen by you announcing things are good and setting up a brunch. It would happen, if it does, over years of slow interactions where all they see are the signs of a healthy relationship.
If you were my sibling, I'd either pass on meeting him right now, or I'd go along with the meeting but be just very neutral and quiet. I would be expecting him to go back to his typical behavior sooner or later, and it would take a very long time for me to stop expecting that. The proof is in the pudding; in this case it would come from simply seeing happy and healthy behavior being completely consistent over time, rather than "improving" or "usually it is good" or anything like that.
So aside from all the comments above about how painful it is to see you still struggling with what from the outside looks like an objectively bad relationship, I think you need to calibrate your expectations about what it will take to regain trust that has been so thoroughly lost.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:20 AM on April 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
But second, taking you at your word that he has turned things around and the relationship is now healthy, and assuming that this continues into the future, it's going to take a long time to (re)build trust between him and your family. It won't happen by you announcing things are good and setting up a brunch. It would happen, if it does, over years of slow interactions where all they see are the signs of a healthy relationship.
If you were my sibling, I'd either pass on meeting him right now, or I'd go along with the meeting but be just very neutral and quiet. I would be expecting him to go back to his typical behavior sooner or later, and it would take a very long time for me to stop expecting that. The proof is in the pudding; in this case it would come from simply seeing happy and healthy behavior being completely consistent over time, rather than "improving" or "usually it is good" or anything like that.
So aside from all the comments above about how painful it is to see you still struggling with what from the outside looks like an objectively bad relationship, I think you need to calibrate your expectations about what it will take to regain trust that has been so thoroughly lost.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:20 AM on April 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
I agree with trig that, leaving aside the question of your relationship, you must make it clear to your boyfriend how hurtful some of his behavior was if you intend to move forward. Even if there is lots of positive stuff about him that you've not shared with us, he needs to understand how his words and actions impacted you, and why his behavior led you to reach out for support from your family. And then he needs to make an effort to repair his relationship with your family, because it is his fault it's bad.
As for your relationship, I'll briefly point out that: I'm progressing in my career with his support and I feel quite a bit happier
It's great that you're progressing in your career and you're feeling happier, but any decent partner would support your career - and if you've been feeling down from his bad behavior, your internal "happiness meter" might be off. In short, whether or not it's your family, I hope there is someone close to you, who really knows you, who can give you an outside perspective on this relationship before you move in with him.
posted by coffeecat at 7:32 AM on April 30, 2023
As for your relationship, I'll briefly point out that: I'm progressing in my career with his support and I feel quite a bit happier
It's great that you're progressing in your career and you're feeling happier, but any decent partner would support your career - and if you've been feeling down from his bad behavior, your internal "happiness meter" might be off. In short, whether or not it's your family, I hope there is someone close to you, who really knows you, who can give you an outside perspective on this relationship before you move in with him.
posted by coffeecat at 7:32 AM on April 30, 2023
Best answer: If you have a looooong list of terrible things your boyfriend has done to you and everyone who knows you (even online) knows it, you should not expect that anyone would want to meet and get to know him. I sure as hell don't want to, and I don't even know you. Going to lunch with him for an hour sounds like poison and I shudder just imagining what he might say/do to you in front of other people. I presume there are reasons why you have been with him forever and yet your family never met him before this.
However, you are clearly ride or die for him and will stay with him literally no matter what he does, so nobody else's opinion on the topic is going to matter.
But that said, you shouldn't expect that anyone is going to embrace him with open arms and welcome him into the family at this point. Everyone knows what they know about him and he was so bad that you felt compelled to tell everyone what he'd done, repeatedly, for years. You didn't lie to everyone and only tell them good things he does, for a reason. You can't expect anyone to give him a fresh, clean slate that he's "all better now" (I would have severe doubts on this) and invite him to the next family holiday. This is all spilled milk now and there's no "all better now" wand you can wave.
If the siblings suck it up for an hour of brunch and don't tell him off or storm off amd leave, this may be as good as you can expect.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:47 AM on April 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
However, you are clearly ride or die for him and will stay with him literally no matter what he does, so nobody else's opinion on the topic is going to matter.
But that said, you shouldn't expect that anyone is going to embrace him with open arms and welcome him into the family at this point. Everyone knows what they know about him and he was so bad that you felt compelled to tell everyone what he'd done, repeatedly, for years. You didn't lie to everyone and only tell them good things he does, for a reason. You can't expect anyone to give him a fresh, clean slate that he's "all better now" (I would have severe doubts on this) and invite him to the next family holiday. This is all spilled milk now and there's no "all better now" wand you can wave.
If the siblings suck it up for an hour of brunch and don't tell him off or storm off amd leave, this may be as good as you can expect.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:47 AM on April 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
I just want to focus on this part of your question:
"we are thinking about making a commitment i.e moving back in with him and taking steps to getting married."
Fine: keep thinking and taking steps, so long as you are judicious about which steps. Brunch with dubious relatives? Excellent step. Moving back in? not such a great step, but not catastrophic. Planning a wedding? Great, as long as you don't spend troughs of money on it. Doing a wedding? Fine, as long as you don't spend troughs of money on it, and, THIS ABOVE ALL: you do nothing legally binding.
I know people who cosplayed a wedding for their friends and relatives but never got legally married. It's fun, you get to eat cake, wear a pretty dress, get a bunch of presents, fill pretty rooms with friends, family, and flowers, and go on a fun trip, yet you avoid becoming legally yoked to somebody who will almost definitely destroy the rest of your life.
Have fun. Don't do anything irreversible.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:12 AM on April 30, 2023 [8 favorites]
"we are thinking about making a commitment i.e moving back in with him and taking steps to getting married."
Fine: keep thinking and taking steps, so long as you are judicious about which steps. Brunch with dubious relatives? Excellent step. Moving back in? not such a great step, but not catastrophic. Planning a wedding? Great, as long as you don't spend troughs of money on it. Doing a wedding? Fine, as long as you don't spend troughs of money on it, and, THIS ABOVE ALL: you do nothing legally binding.
I know people who cosplayed a wedding for their friends and relatives but never got legally married. It's fun, you get to eat cake, wear a pretty dress, get a bunch of presents, fill pretty rooms with friends, family, and flowers, and go on a fun trip, yet you avoid becoming legally yoked to somebody who will almost definitely destroy the rest of your life.
Have fun. Don't do anything irreversible.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:12 AM on April 30, 2023 [8 favorites]
He wants to move in with you and marry you to allow himself to escalate abuse once you are even more stuck and entwined with him. Therefore you will have less means of escape. He wants to drive a wedge between you and your family so that you won’t be able to go to them for help when the abuse escalates. He is already upset and trying to pout and appease because you have gone to your family about his abusive behavior. Now he is acting “changed” so he can manipulate you to do what he wants. I promise if you do, it will get worse, not better. Please, leave this relationship. Do not contact him after.
posted by Crystalinne at 8:57 AM on April 30, 2023 [24 favorites]
posted by Crystalinne at 8:57 AM on April 30, 2023 [24 favorites]
While I share a lot of the concerns ppl voice about your relationship with this guy - there is no law that says people have to like their in laws, the same way we don’t have to like our colleagues or all the people on our sports team or in our hobby groups. It is enough if people are willing to be civil. It sounds like your siblings are willing to be that. That’s good enough.
The question is if your boyfriend is willing to do the same. He should be civil and have no reason to require them to be anything more than civil to him, he’s not in a romantic relationship with them but with you. I feel the need to highlight this because a lot of what you have shared about him here shows he has been manipulating and undermining you in the past. Separating you from your support network - your siblings - would be sop for abusers. So don’t let him do that. It is nice if we like in laws but it is no requirement.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:58 AM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
The question is if your boyfriend is willing to do the same. He should be civil and have no reason to require them to be anything more than civil to him, he’s not in a romantic relationship with them but with you. I feel the need to highlight this because a lot of what you have shared about him here shows he has been manipulating and undermining you in the past. Separating you from your support network - your siblings - would be sop for abusers. So don’t let him do that. It is nice if we like in laws but it is no requirement.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:58 AM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: The way through is for them to meet him, and for him to demonstrate that he is a reasonable person. That is it. There is no magic wand for this, it will take lots of him behaving reasonably to outweigh their existing view. That's fine, if he's really a decent person and the two of you are going to be together for the long haul then you've got plenty of time. Rome wasn't built in a day.
posted by plonkee at 9:27 AM on April 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
posted by plonkee at 9:27 AM on April 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
Separating you from your support network - your siblings - would be sop for abusers. So don’t let him do that.
Yeah. That's a very important point. You feel so guilty about sharing things about him that cast him in an unfavorable light, and to some extent it's true that we need to be thoughtful about how what we say about partners will affect people's relationships with them. But, at the same time, if your plan is now to never share anything that bothers you with your family and friends in order to reinforce your new narrative that now everything is good, that's a problem too, because it really does isolate you (and often, if there really are significant things being left unsaid, family and friends will often pick up anyway on a disconnect between what you tell them and what they observe, and stop believing you).
Whatever you do, in whatever relationships you find yourself in, don't ever feel like you should suffer in silence or keep a distance from support networks.
posted by trig at 9:31 AM on April 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
Yeah. That's a very important point. You feel so guilty about sharing things about him that cast him in an unfavorable light, and to some extent it's true that we need to be thoughtful about how what we say about partners will affect people's relationships with them. But, at the same time, if your plan is now to never share anything that bothers you with your family and friends in order to reinforce your new narrative that now everything is good, that's a problem too, because it really does isolate you (and often, if there really are significant things being left unsaid, family and friends will often pick up anyway on a disconnect between what you tell them and what they observe, and stop believing you).
Whatever you do, in whatever relationships you find yourself in, don't ever feel like you should suffer in silence or keep a distance from support networks.
posted by trig at 9:31 AM on April 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
For example the same sister who is saying she dislikes my boyfriend has said she wouldn't let me move in with her if I was struggling with rent because it would be triggering to be around me due to our shared trauma.
I think it’s worth reflecting on why it’s black mark on your trust for your sister that she declined to promise she would significantly disrupt her life for you, but your boyfriend being a huge piece of shit to you the majority of the time is something everyone should just put aside because you promise he’s nice occasionally. What do you forgive, and what do you hold a grudge about? Who do you blame, and who do you protect from blame by blaming yourself? What makes you stop trusting someone, and what actually makes someone untrustworthy?
posted by babelfish at 10:53 AM on April 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
I think it’s worth reflecting on why it’s black mark on your trust for your sister that she declined to promise she would significantly disrupt her life for you, but your boyfriend being a huge piece of shit to you the majority of the time is something everyone should just put aside because you promise he’s nice occasionally. What do you forgive, and what do you hold a grudge about? Who do you blame, and who do you protect from blame by blaming yourself? What makes you stop trusting someone, and what actually makes someone untrustworthy?
posted by babelfish at 10:53 AM on April 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: @babelfish I understand what you are saying but you have to understand that my family has been a huge source of trauma for me, and really, in one way or another I am trying to escape my family.
posted by Sunflower88 at 11:00 AM on April 30, 2023
posted by Sunflower88 at 11:00 AM on April 30, 2023
So your question title is "complications around committing to my boyfriend."
Your question is "my siblings don't like my asshole boyfriend because he was an asshole constantly for a long time, how do i find a way through this" which isn't...the same question as your title.
A reader would assume you have an issue with committing to a boyfriend your family does not accept, but then you say: in one way or another I am trying to escape my family.
So...why would it matter whether they like your boyfriend? Why would this be a complication around committing? Can you not commit to him unless everyone agrees to pretend that he was always good and fine? Why might that be? Can you not commit to him as long as YOU remember all of the times he was horrible to you? [HINT: this is healthy! you should not be stoked to commit to someone who was so awful to you for so long that you need to do a big whole-family psyops to erase the evidence of it!]
Do you actually crave the approval and acceptance of your family as much as you might say you're trying to escape it?
Or, and I hope not but fear this might be the case: Are you afraid that once your boyfriend is confronted with the unpleasantness of your siblings' disapproval that he'll go back to being an asshat to you again? Because he only likes you when you are perfectly controlled and everything is fully perfect all the time?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:11 AM on April 30, 2023 [14 favorites]
Your question is "my siblings don't like my asshole boyfriend because he was an asshole constantly for a long time, how do i find a way through this" which isn't...the same question as your title.
A reader would assume you have an issue with committing to a boyfriend your family does not accept, but then you say: in one way or another I am trying to escape my family.
So...why would it matter whether they like your boyfriend? Why would this be a complication around committing? Can you not commit to him unless everyone agrees to pretend that he was always good and fine? Why might that be? Can you not commit to him as long as YOU remember all of the times he was horrible to you? [HINT: this is healthy! you should not be stoked to commit to someone who was so awful to you for so long that you need to do a big whole-family psyops to erase the evidence of it!]
Do you actually crave the approval and acceptance of your family as much as you might say you're trying to escape it?
Or, and I hope not but fear this might be the case: Are you afraid that once your boyfriend is confronted with the unpleasantness of your siblings' disapproval that he'll go back to being an asshat to you again? Because he only likes you when you are perfectly controlled and everything is fully perfect all the time?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:11 AM on April 30, 2023 [14 favorites]
I understand what you are saying but you have to understand that my family has been a huge source of trauma for me, and really, in one way or another I am trying to escape my family.
I am not sure you do understand what I'm saying, as I am telling you to also escape your boyfriend. My intention was to get you to consider from your own perspective what you do and don't tolerate and forgive, since dozens of people telling you to break up with him has been ineffective over a long period of time.
posted by babelfish at 1:38 PM on April 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
I am not sure you do understand what I'm saying, as I am telling you to also escape your boyfriend. My intention was to get you to consider from your own perspective what you do and don't tolerate and forgive, since dozens of people telling you to break up with him has been ineffective over a long period of time.
posted by babelfish at 1:38 PM on April 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
Do you have anyone safe in your life to talk to? A friend, a therapist, a helpline?
It looks like there might be tension on both sides and it looks like you need someone on your side who is not your boyfriend or your family.
My advice is to take care of your own comfort and safety. If you do, things will work out for you.
Best of luck.
posted by M. at 1:43 PM on April 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
It looks like there might be tension on both sides and it looks like you need someone on your side who is not your boyfriend or your family.
My advice is to take care of your own comfort and safety. If you do, things will work out for you.
Best of luck.
posted by M. at 1:43 PM on April 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Look, we all recognize your username at this point, and I gotta tell you: BREAK UP WITH THIS GUY. Your relationship is a form of self-harm. Because of the trauma in your youth, you equate being treated horribly with being loved — that's the model you grew up with, so it feels familiar. You can't circle this square because THIS GUY SUCKS SHIT, and no one deserves to be treated so shabbily. Your search for a different answer is a symptom of the poor self-image you have. You deserve a better life, a happier, freer, more self-possessed one. You cannot have that with this dipshit. You need serious help, and I truly hope you get it. I'm putting this in harsh terms because I think you at a crossroads, and one of the paths you are contemplating will not lead you to a life of joy and dignity.
posted by Charity Garfein at 2:19 PM on April 30, 2023 [24 favorites]
posted by Charity Garfein at 2:19 PM on April 30, 2023 [24 favorites]
If you want to escape your family, why does their approval matter so much to you? Why are you arranging a brunch with your siblings at all?
A lot of answers have focused on your boyfriend’s bad behaviour, and I understand that might be frustrating as that’s not what your question was about. But I wonder if you’ve got some conflicting values (my family’s approval is vital vs I don’t want to see my family anymore, my boyfriend shouldn’t be judged for his past behaviour vs I should be judged for talking about his past behaviour) which are leading you to the wrong questions.
A therapist once told me that part of being an adult is sitting with uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes it’s not possible to resolve things in a way that is painless for everyone, and you’ll drive yourself mad if you try to come up with the magic words or answer that will make everyone happy. Start with figuring out what’s really important to you, then prioritise that and accept you may have to sit with the discomfort of your siblings’ disapproval and/or your boyfriend feeling awkward (or angry?) about being judged for his own actions.
posted by Dwardles at 2:41 PM on April 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
A lot of answers have focused on your boyfriend’s bad behaviour, and I understand that might be frustrating as that’s not what your question was about. But I wonder if you’ve got some conflicting values (my family’s approval is vital vs I don’t want to see my family anymore, my boyfriend shouldn’t be judged for his past behaviour vs I should be judged for talking about his past behaviour) which are leading you to the wrong questions.
A therapist once told me that part of being an adult is sitting with uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes it’s not possible to resolve things in a way that is painless for everyone, and you’ll drive yourself mad if you try to come up with the magic words or answer that will make everyone happy. Start with figuring out what’s really important to you, then prioritise that and accept you may have to sit with the discomfort of your siblings’ disapproval and/or your boyfriend feeling awkward (or angry?) about being judged for his own actions.
posted by Dwardles at 2:41 PM on April 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks all for your thoughts and advice. I have lots to think about. I know he's been pretty awful is some ways but being with him has given me so much hope and I've progressed immensely through being with him. I've gone from a helpless child to a functioning adult, he's been instrumental in this. He's refused to accept my passive victim stance and has encouraged me on every step of becoming more self empowered.
To me, this has demonstrated care and investment and is not to be taken lightly. He helps me become a better person.
Anyway, lots to think about and thank you again.
posted by Sunflower88 at 3:31 AM on May 1, 2023
To me, this has demonstrated care and investment and is not to be taken lightly. He helps me become a better person.
Anyway, lots to think about and thank you again.
posted by Sunflower88 at 3:31 AM on May 1, 2023
Well, then that's great: you've become a functioning adult and are no longer a passive victim and are more self empowered. What if he disappeared today? I don't mean died or left you, maybe he gets hired by Elon Musk and as a condition of his continued employment in the new space program he has to move to Texas and no longer communicate at all with the outside world. He makes one phone call or Insta post, he doesn't get to go to Mars. If he were suddenly gone out of your life, you would be okay. You are a functioning, self-actualized adult and no longer a passive victim. You have learned these things, you say because of him, we all say in spite of him, but how you learned them doesn't really matter. None of these people, not the ones you're trying to escape and not the one you're trying to convince everyone you should stay with, not a one of them is necessary for your life to continue happily and successfully. If he were gone, you would look back on him fondly and with gratitude and credit him with your success, and that would be fine. You would still be a success. And everybody here and your family would be wrong and you would be right. As a side bonus, nobody would be telling you you were a failure because the trashbag leaked.
posted by Don Pepino at 4:08 AM on May 1, 2023 [11 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 4:08 AM on May 1, 2023 [11 favorites]
As another someone who has read your posts and is skeptical about this relationship- so I can understand where your family is coming from - the issue isn’t that they don’t want to meet him because they don’t believe you. It’s that they don’t want to meet him because they don’t believe him. Clearly you believe him and he’s said and done things that have shown you that he’s changed (right?). Let him be the one to email (or call) your family members and say so. That he’s made mistakes and wants to meet them as part of this reconciliation with you. Let him put himself out and acknowledge to them that he gets why they might be hesitant here. Let him take your side, instead of your taking his. Especially if your relationship with them is already fraught. If the two of you are a team now, if he respects you now, this shouldn’t be a hurdle. If that’s too much to ask - I don’t think he’s actually changed enough to be getting back together. Some of his bad behaviors toward you were bad enough that they require a lot more goodwill than normal to show that he gets it before I’d let him back in.
posted by Mchelly at 6:28 AM on May 1, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Mchelly at 6:28 AM on May 1, 2023 [2 favorites]
So what I see every time you post about your boyfriend is that you're desperately explaining as emphatically as you can why, despite all appearances, this is really a good relationship for you. What you're basically doing is asking us for permission to stay with him, hoping that we'll finally see how worthy he is and change our the advice. But the advice won't change, because everything you've said makes it clear as day that this has been a bad relationship for you. Your boyfriend is mean and belittling to you, and somehow he's managed to convince you that you all your worth comes from his efforts. But it's not true. You were the one who improved your life, not him. A good partnership makes both people their best selves, and a decent partner doesn't treat you as an "investment" or a project or a thing to be improved. Someone who has a tantrum because you used the wrong frittata pan isn't trying to empower you; he's trying to make you afraid and dependent on him by breaking down your confidence. And I'll give him that: he's done a great job at that if nothing else, because you're now convinced that you'd be less without him. Again: that is false.
Honestly, I know it doesn't seem like it, but the very best thing you can do for yourself is break up with this guy. The second best thing that could happen to you is he breaks up with you. You're not at the point where you realize it yet, but he'd be doing you a massive favor. And I, an internet stranger who speaks from experience will beg you: please do not marry this guy, whatever you do. Please. At the very least, make sure you can get out of this relationship quickly when you're finally at the point -- and you will be someday -- that you realize how bad this man is for you.
posted by holborne at 1:01 PM on May 1, 2023 [12 favorites]
Honestly, I know it doesn't seem like it, but the very best thing you can do for yourself is break up with this guy. The second best thing that could happen to you is he breaks up with you. You're not at the point where you realize it yet, but he'd be doing you a massive favor. And I, an internet stranger who speaks from experience will beg you: please do not marry this guy, whatever you do. Please. At the very least, make sure you can get out of this relationship quickly when you're finally at the point -- and you will be someday -- that you realize how bad this man is for you.
posted by holborne at 1:01 PM on May 1, 2023 [12 favorites]
Someone who has a tantrum because you used the wrong frittata pan isn't trying to empower you; he's trying to make you afraid and dependent on him by breaking down your confidence. And I'll give him that: he's done a great job at that if nothing else, because you're now convinced that you'd be less without him. Again: that is false.
And honestly, I'll give him this: he may not even know he's trying. People do things out of the dark secret corners of their own brains and traumas that they'd be horrified by, in any other light. He doesn't have to be a psychotic monster to just be bad at boyfriending. He can just be a garden variety human who doesn't have his shit all together in ways that are specifically bad for your dynamic with him.
Have you heard the phrase "correlation is not causation"? Because it applies here, I think. You figure, since you were with him when you became a functioning adult, he is the one who made you that way. But he was just there, hon. That you learned things about the world from learning to navigate the bullshit of his personality doesn't mean he TAUGHT you those things! You taught yourself.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:43 AM on May 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
And honestly, I'll give him this: he may not even know he's trying. People do things out of the dark secret corners of their own brains and traumas that they'd be horrified by, in any other light. He doesn't have to be a psychotic monster to just be bad at boyfriending. He can just be a garden variety human who doesn't have his shit all together in ways that are specifically bad for your dynamic with him.
Have you heard the phrase "correlation is not causation"? Because it applies here, I think. You figure, since you were with him when you became a functioning adult, he is the one who made you that way. But he was just there, hon. That you learned things about the world from learning to navigate the bullshit of his personality doesn't mean he TAUGHT you those things! You taught yourself.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:43 AM on May 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: @We put Our faith in Blast Hardcheese
That's the thing though, he genuinely has actively been teaching me things and encouraging me. Just a few concrete examples, he would make me go running with him and do meditation with him. It got to the point where I started to gain enough momentum to do and enjoy doing, both on my own which has improved my life hugely. Prior to that I was too far gone with depression and anxiety to do anything but ruminate.
He's also been instrumental in supporting me with my career. I recently landed a really promising job that his Mum tipped me off about via him. He encouraged me to study and pass my exams (though the pressure from him has been immense).
Any problems I have faced, especially at work, he has guided and supported me through it. In a way, he has become like a tough love father figure, pushing me to be the best person I can be.
And it's working.
Even though he might have done this all in the selfish service of making me a more viable partner to him, which I suspect is kinda true, it's working. And my life has improved leaps and bounds under his "tutelage". It's hard to imagine anyone else pushing me in this way.
The frittata thing was in the very early days and yes, it was awful of him.
I'm not trying to defend him here necessarily but I suppose I'm trying to give a fuller picture of his influence in my life, with some concrete examples so you don't think I'm just completely gone and delusional about him.
posted by Sunflower88 at 4:33 PM on May 5, 2023 [2 favorites]
That's the thing though, he genuinely has actively been teaching me things and encouraging me. Just a few concrete examples, he would make me go running with him and do meditation with him. It got to the point where I started to gain enough momentum to do and enjoy doing, both on my own which has improved my life hugely. Prior to that I was too far gone with depression and anxiety to do anything but ruminate.
He's also been instrumental in supporting me with my career. I recently landed a really promising job that his Mum tipped me off about via him. He encouraged me to study and pass my exams (though the pressure from him has been immense).
Any problems I have faced, especially at work, he has guided and supported me through it. In a way, he has become like a tough love father figure, pushing me to be the best person I can be.
And it's working.
Even though he might have done this all in the selfish service of making me a more viable partner to him, which I suspect is kinda true, it's working. And my life has improved leaps and bounds under his "tutelage". It's hard to imagine anyone else pushing me in this way.
The frittata thing was in the very early days and yes, it was awful of him.
I'm not trying to defend him here necessarily but I suppose I'm trying to give a fuller picture of his influence in my life, with some concrete examples so you don't think I'm just completely gone and delusional about him.
posted by Sunflower88 at 4:33 PM on May 5, 2023 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
This sounds like you are taking responsibility for things that were out of your control.
You did not cause the rifts. Your boyfriend did, by treating you badly. You were brave and right to ask for help.
As an outsider who knows nothing about the situation, it seems like you are caught between a rock and a hard place.
You're trying to twist yourself into a shape where you have all the blame because it's easier to accept that, than your boyfriend being in the wrong.
It's a way of feeling in control of your choices, but it's an illusion of control.
Are you a person who tends to avoid conflict?
If so you're vulnerable to being trapped in an abusive relationship because it's easier to tamp down your own needs than to confront the person who is being unfair to you.
You get stuck in denial of the pain your partner is causing you because if you acknowledge it, you'd have to do something about it.
Please listen to your family.
posted by Zumbador at 3:36 AM on April 30, 2023 [13 favorites]