Social norms for person monopolizing a conversation in a group?
April 17, 2023 12:29 PM Subscribe
I always find it off-putting when I'm talking to someone and one of their acquaintances or friends joins in and starts talking to them, making no effort to include me (and, sometimes, someone they may be with) in the conversation. Simply put, am I being too sensitive or this pretty universally considered rude?
If you find the answer to this, let me know. It is incredibly rude. But it happens to me ALL. THE. TIME; I'm a little quiet but also apparently wearing a big sign saying "I'M NOT IMPORTANT" or something. In my middle-age, I've taken to saying harshly "Excuse me, I was talking," but then that kind of ruins the conversation; or sometimes I'll stomp away, which is a little more effective.
posted by Melismata at 12:41 PM on April 17, 2023 [12 favorites]
posted by Melismata at 12:41 PM on April 17, 2023 [12 favorites]
Rude! What is your friend doing, though? Can you check in with your friend afterward? Are they just getting so steamrollered by New Person that they can't do anything to redirect the conversation? If this happens multiple times with the same friend, maybe bring it up with them?
It would skew more awkward and less rude if you were joining the group - like, as a socially unskilled person it usually takes me a little bit to integrate Joining Person into the conversation in a way that feels normal and not bizarro-world, and while that may be awkward it's not intentional.
posted by Frowner at 12:48 PM on April 17, 2023
It would skew more awkward and less rude if you were joining the group - like, as a socially unskilled person it usually takes me a little bit to integrate Joining Person into the conversation in a way that feels normal and not bizarro-world, and while that may be awkward it's not intentional.
posted by Frowner at 12:48 PM on April 17, 2023
If you don't want to be rude yourself, a way to handle this is:
1) Find an explanation for the other person's behavior that is grounded in good intention. Something like "Oh, maybe they don't want to presume to speak to me because we haven't been introduced" or "Maybe their parents taught them that it's rude to speak to someone other than your friend when your friend is there" or "Maybe they're hoping to finish their conversation with their friend as quickly as possible so that they can leave us to our previous conversation." It does not matter whether you think this or any generous motive is plausible. After all, your imagination can only go so far, and there may well be, in fact probably is, another explanation that is even more well-intended. At the least, their behavior is probably not about your or their opinion of you. The vast majority of people who do things like this genuinely do not know any better, and that's not their fault.
2) Whatever potential explanation you imagine, behave as if it were very likely true. If there's an opportunity for you to say something without too much awkwardness, you can address this possible condition directly: "I know we haven't been introduced, but I'm delighted to meet another friend of Joe's! I'm Jake. Please carry on, but I do find this interesting!" or "Sorry to interrupt, but because of how I was raised, I feel awkward standing here while you two talk. What's the polite thing for me to do here?"
3) When you speak of the person or the incident, always allow that they are probably well-intentioned. Nobody is trying to be a jerk.
posted by amtho at 12:54 PM on April 17, 2023 [6 favorites]
1) Find an explanation for the other person's behavior that is grounded in good intention. Something like "Oh, maybe they don't want to presume to speak to me because we haven't been introduced" or "Maybe their parents taught them that it's rude to speak to someone other than your friend when your friend is there" or "Maybe they're hoping to finish their conversation with their friend as quickly as possible so that they can leave us to our previous conversation." It does not matter whether you think this or any generous motive is plausible. After all, your imagination can only go so far, and there may well be, in fact probably is, another explanation that is even more well-intended. At the least, their behavior is probably not about your or their opinion of you. The vast majority of people who do things like this genuinely do not know any better, and that's not their fault.
2) Whatever potential explanation you imagine, behave as if it were very likely true. If there's an opportunity for you to say something without too much awkwardness, you can address this possible condition directly: "I know we haven't been introduced, but I'm delighted to meet another friend of Joe's! I'm Jake. Please carry on, but I do find this interesting!" or "Sorry to interrupt, but because of how I was raised, I feel awkward standing here while you two talk. What's the polite thing for me to do here?"
3) When you speak of the person or the incident, always allow that they are probably well-intentioned. Nobody is trying to be a jerk.
posted by amtho at 12:54 PM on April 17, 2023 [6 favorites]
When that happens, I say "I'll be back" and start walking off. Usually this leads to the interloper apologizing.
When I was just standing there waiting to resume the conversation, the interloper believed that there was no cost to their interruption. Once I'm actually physically walking away, the interloper is now worried that they've caused an actual consequence. What if I don't come back? What if my conversation was important to my friend and it can't just resume where it left off?
After the interloper apologizes, I say with a smile, "Oh, I'm just going to the bathroom / to get a drink of water. See you in a minute!" and the group vibe remains upbeat and sociable. But the others are more respectful from that point onwards.
posted by sandwich at 1:07 PM on April 17, 2023 [37 favorites]
When I was just standing there waiting to resume the conversation, the interloper believed that there was no cost to their interruption. Once I'm actually physically walking away, the interloper is now worried that they've caused an actual consequence. What if I don't come back? What if my conversation was important to my friend and it can't just resume where it left off?
After the interloper apologizes, I say with a smile, "Oh, I'm just going to the bathroom / to get a drink of water. See you in a minute!" and the group vibe remains upbeat and sociable. But the others are more respectful from that point onwards.
posted by sandwich at 1:07 PM on April 17, 2023 [37 favorites]
I've noticed that when this happens, my ego defaults to, "obviously I'm not important/interesting/attractive enough to acknowledge!' and then I label them as rude in my head (for dismissing me). But I really like the framing of social anxiety being a reason for people doing this—doubly so now, when we're all under-socialized and trying to find our way back to pre-pandemic rhythms. Or maybe they are just super-into their conversation with the other person and can't get the bandwidth to break away to acknowledge someone else.
In other words, I remind myself that it's not about me... and that's a huge relief. Or maybe I am uninteresting in their eyes, but also they don't know me at all, so how could they make that evaluation and be right about it?
From that compassionate place (ideally) we can just let humans do their weird human stuff. I also like the advice of simply walking away. Great way to reclaim some power in the situation!
posted by gold bridges at 1:28 PM on April 17, 2023 [6 favorites]
In other words, I remind myself that it's not about me... and that's a huge relief. Or maybe I am uninteresting in their eyes, but also they don't know me at all, so how could they make that evaluation and be right about it?
From that compassionate place (ideally) we can just let humans do their weird human stuff. I also like the advice of simply walking away. Great way to reclaim some power in the situation!
posted by gold bridges at 1:28 PM on April 17, 2023 [6 favorites]
I see things differently.
In my head, it's like Person C burst into the room, and said "I just got a promotion!" and is jumping up and down. Person A runs over and jumps up and down with them and they excitedly talk about it. Person B sits on the couch, and feels kind of left out, and later complains that Person A and C ignore them. I don't think it's that Person B is being too sensitive... it's more like, sometimes having a conversation is more about being excited and present and having fun and having energy?
I think there's a lot of other factors too. Person B will be less able to match excitement if they just got off a hard day work, didn't sleep, are talking to strangers vs old friends, etc. But... I believe it's more of the situation and actions Person B can take than Persons A and C not being accommodating.
posted by bbqturtle at 1:49 PM on April 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
In my head, it's like Person C burst into the room, and said "I just got a promotion!" and is jumping up and down. Person A runs over and jumps up and down with them and they excitedly talk about it. Person B sits on the couch, and feels kind of left out, and later complains that Person A and C ignore them. I don't think it's that Person B is being too sensitive... it's more like, sometimes having a conversation is more about being excited and present and having fun and having energy?
I think there's a lot of other factors too. Person B will be less able to match excitement if they just got off a hard day work, didn't sleep, are talking to strangers vs old friends, etc. But... I believe it's more of the situation and actions Person B can take than Persons A and C not being accommodating.
posted by bbqturtle at 1:49 PM on April 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
You know, whenever this happens to me, I wait patiently and then I start to wonder... AITA for still standing here? Maybe I am the one not reading the room. So at some point after a few minutes, I might smile and quietly excuse myself to go get a drink or whatever.
It's different in a work context. If I'm in a one-on-one meeting, say, and someone wanders in to talk to my boss, it's actually my boss who ought to cut the interruption off after a time, either asking me to step out or asking the visitor to stop back again later. But that's because in a work context, the person on the calendar normally has priority. It's different at a party or other informal social gathering, I think.
posted by eirias at 2:33 PM on April 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
It's different in a work context. If I'm in a one-on-one meeting, say, and someone wanders in to talk to my boss, it's actually my boss who ought to cut the interruption off after a time, either asking me to step out or asking the visitor to stop back again later. But that's because in a work context, the person on the calendar normally has priority. It's different at a party or other informal social gathering, I think.
posted by eirias at 2:33 PM on April 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
I give 'em maybe 40 seconds to get back to me; then if they don't, I just wonder off.
posted by at at 4:04 PM on April 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by at at 4:04 PM on April 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
I used to take this kind of stuff very personally. And sometimes I still do. But as I get older, I'm trying harder to interpret ambiguous interactions in a way that minimizes ill intent (or rudeness) on the other person's part. In other words, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt whenever possible. Doesn't always work for me, and it takes some effort, but I think it's worth doing (at least for me).
posted by JD Sockinger at 4:09 PM on April 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by JD Sockinger at 4:09 PM on April 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
Yes, this is clearly rude.
There are more subtle situations though that stem from a conversational divide between interrupters and non-interrupters. People who interrupt usually expect others to interrupt them as well. So depending on your comfort level, you could just interrupt back.
posted by lookoutbelow at 4:24 PM on April 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
There are more subtle situations though that stem from a conversational divide between interrupters and non-interrupters. People who interrupt usually expect others to interrupt them as well. So depending on your comfort level, you could just interrupt back.
posted by lookoutbelow at 4:24 PM on April 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
It’s often more clueless than rude—they see their friend, they have something to say, they get carried away.
Your friends should be introducing you/bridging the gap—it’s kinda rude on their part actually. I find it’s not as fashionable these days to do these social niceties; they’re not always taught, and anyway we’ve been less social lately for very good reasons.
So my conclusion is that as an adult I kind of have to put things like this back in play if I want to see them in circles where I have influence. Try introducing yourself, taking part in the conversation as though it’s a given you’re welcome.
I will say I’m talking about smaller gatherings. If these are really informal social situations like parties or bars, I find conversations typically branch out and don’t conclude and partners switch continually, so it may be that you care more about this than most.
posted by kapers at 5:03 PM on April 17, 2023 [6 favorites]
Your friends should be introducing you/bridging the gap—it’s kinda rude on their part actually. I find it’s not as fashionable these days to do these social niceties; they’re not always taught, and anyway we’ve been less social lately for very good reasons.
So my conclusion is that as an adult I kind of have to put things like this back in play if I want to see them in circles where I have influence. Try introducing yourself, taking part in the conversation as though it’s a given you’re welcome.
I will say I’m talking about smaller gatherings. If these are really informal social situations like parties or bars, I find conversations typically branch out and don’t conclude and partners switch continually, so it may be that you care more about this than most.
posted by kapers at 5:03 PM on April 17, 2023 [6 favorites]
It's rude, it happens often, and it annoys me. Sometimes we let it ride and get back to the initial conversation later. Sometimes we wander away. Sometimes we make a vaguely snarky comment and then wander away.
Yet, sometimes, the captive audience is cornered by a bore (long vague anecdotes with less value than required for the situation) and is awaiting a discreet rescue.
In a perfect world, the centre of attention should make a polite gesture towards their first interlocutor, indicating a willingness to resume their previous intimacy. This may get less likely after a few cocktails, if it's that kinda situation.
posted by ovvl at 5:23 PM on April 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
Yet, sometimes, the captive audience is cornered by a bore (long vague anecdotes with less value than required for the situation) and is awaiting a discreet rescue.
In a perfect world, the centre of attention should make a polite gesture towards their first interlocutor, indicating a willingness to resume their previous intimacy. This may get less likely after a few cocktails, if it's that kinda situation.
posted by ovvl at 5:23 PM on April 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think context is key here. If it is a mingling and networking event and people are supposed to talk with different people and switch conversation partners often, this is acceptable and you could insert yourself back in the conversation assertively and introduce yourself to the third person. In a personal gathering when you are talking to a close friend, this is not acceptable and your friend should actively try to reintegrate you into the conversation.
Gatherings that are in between would depend on context. It could be that the person joining has poor social skills, but it would then be the responsibility of the original conversation partner to gently include all people. If both people are actively talking and avoiding the third person, I question whether they are avoiding the other person for some reason. I have seen this happen when the person is a really awkward conversationalist or a monopolizer of conversation and the third person is looking to save the conversation partner. Obviously, this is rude and can be handled in a different way but if all the original two people talking do not know each other, it might just be the easiest way out.
So...context and reading of social cues and taking appropriate tactics for the situation at hand is key. Hard to say definitively whether this is rude or not.
posted by ichimunki at 6:32 PM on April 17, 2023 [3 favorites]
Gatherings that are in between would depend on context. It could be that the person joining has poor social skills, but it would then be the responsibility of the original conversation partner to gently include all people. If both people are actively talking and avoiding the third person, I question whether they are avoiding the other person for some reason. I have seen this happen when the person is a really awkward conversationalist or a monopolizer of conversation and the third person is looking to save the conversation partner. Obviously, this is rude and can be handled in a different way but if all the original two people talking do not know each other, it might just be the easiest way out.
So...context and reading of social cues and taking appropriate tactics for the situation at hand is key. Hard to say definitively whether this is rude or not.
posted by ichimunki at 6:32 PM on April 17, 2023 [3 favorites]
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