Suddenly: parent to a teenager
April 23, 2023 10:04 PM Subscribe
I am about to be a full-time parent to a wonderful, but troubled teenager and I'm overwhelmed. Please give me all the wisdom you have around raising troubled teenagers.
I've known my stepdaughter for 10 years but have been mostly a NACHO stepmom for several reasons. We had her every other weekend until we had to move then it became monthly visits.
Her mother is asking for us to take her for a year. She asked, herself, to spend some time away from her mom. We are planning to bring her for about a week and will be making a decision about the longer term after that. Doubtful it will be an entire year commitment at first but a few months is feasible.
I don't want to NACHO a situation with a kid living with us full-time, especially one who is troubled and would likely interpret that as rejection/neglect. I also want to be a resource if I can be. Here's some of what my anxiety is surfacing right now:
How much privacy to give with technology
How much social media to allow
How to provide structure and stability without recreating the trauma she's having with her mother (mom is not a bad mom, but she is very rigid in her morals and rules with authority/obedience first vs more authoritative parenting models)
How to encourage disclosure of non-suicidal self-injury that isn't interpreted as permission to cut (my purpose would be to prevent her from getting addicted to cutting and also to hopefully take away the need to cope with big feelings all alone unless you really want to be alone)
How to keep lines of communication open (she's already asked some questions that show openness)
How to protect our other child from some of her less socially oriented behaviors (really petty example but my spouse agrees it speaks to the issue: my child has two toys they played with together that she knowingly ruined, a little sensory bin and a kinetic sand toy, where she mixed all the components together so they could no longer be used as intended). My MIL has had to monitor her around her cousins in the past as she could be a bully. She enjoys having power over others. She's also a beautiful person, but I worry for our 6yo suddenly having her here 24/7.
How to be sure she feels welcome without turning myself into a ghost (I struggle with taking up enough vs too much space when we are in our blended family dynamics)
How to keep my marriage strong if these adjustments bring new stressors and tension
Therapy and meds are already part of the picture. I've already cleared with my spouse that he's in board with my full involvement (to the extent that I want to be). If she does come stay we will need family rules and I've never had teens full-time so I don't know what rules are appropriate. She would be homeschooling or unschooling and would get a job if not primarily working on graduating high school. We already know how to approach general discipline in our blended family, but spouse and I will work to develop a shared understanding of what consequences will be given for what type of behaviors and which ones I enforce vs tell her that he will be enforcing. I've never really had any trouble with her in my own relationship but as I said I've been a bit NACHO and hands off the last few years as well.
I've known my stepdaughter for 10 years but have been mostly a NACHO stepmom for several reasons. We had her every other weekend until we had to move then it became monthly visits.
Her mother is asking for us to take her for a year. She asked, herself, to spend some time away from her mom. We are planning to bring her for about a week and will be making a decision about the longer term after that. Doubtful it will be an entire year commitment at first but a few months is feasible.
I don't want to NACHO a situation with a kid living with us full-time, especially one who is troubled and would likely interpret that as rejection/neglect. I also want to be a resource if I can be. Here's some of what my anxiety is surfacing right now:
How much privacy to give with technology
How much social media to allow
How to provide structure and stability without recreating the trauma she's having with her mother (mom is not a bad mom, but she is very rigid in her morals and rules with authority/obedience first vs more authoritative parenting models)
How to encourage disclosure of non-suicidal self-injury that isn't interpreted as permission to cut (my purpose would be to prevent her from getting addicted to cutting and also to hopefully take away the need to cope with big feelings all alone unless you really want to be alone)
How to keep lines of communication open (she's already asked some questions that show openness)
How to protect our other child from some of her less socially oriented behaviors (really petty example but my spouse agrees it speaks to the issue: my child has two toys they played with together that she knowingly ruined, a little sensory bin and a kinetic sand toy, where she mixed all the components together so they could no longer be used as intended). My MIL has had to monitor her around her cousins in the past as she could be a bully. She enjoys having power over others. She's also a beautiful person, but I worry for our 6yo suddenly having her here 24/7.
How to be sure she feels welcome without turning myself into a ghost (I struggle with taking up enough vs too much space when we are in our blended family dynamics)
How to keep my marriage strong if these adjustments bring new stressors and tension
Therapy and meds are already part of the picture. I've already cleared with my spouse that he's in board with my full involvement (to the extent that I want to be). If she does come stay we will need family rules and I've never had teens full-time so I don't know what rules are appropriate. She would be homeschooling or unschooling and would get a job if not primarily working on graduating high school. We already know how to approach general discipline in our blended family, but spouse and I will work to develop a shared understanding of what consequences will be given for what type of behaviors and which ones I enforce vs tell her that he will be enforcing. I've never really had any trouble with her in my own relationship but as I said I've been a bit NACHO and hands off the last few years as well.
Best answer: So I became parent to teenagers out of the blue when I was a young adult, and it was a rollarcoaster. You have a pre-existing relationship which is good. Definitely schedule time with her and her current therapist for a joint session, look into getting your own therapist and possibly a family therapist. You want all that ready in advance so you're not scrambling when things blow up.
Before you talk to her, be really thorough with your partner about your shared parenting goals and strategies. How involved are they as a parent? Are they expecting you to be 30%, 50%, 70% the primary parent? What are your shared values, how will you handle situation where you disagree about parenting decisions, etc. This is really helpful to go through with a parenting workbook with like actual checklists and questions, or at least in session with a family therapist. Get this stuff out - what will you do if the kid becomes sexually active while living with you? What will you do about gentle teasing of your younger kid vs bullying? How do you each define that?
Be really clear with each other about her privacy and dignity - troubled teens have to have their personal stuff shared with therapy/medical/school people which is embarassing and tough, and it's very very helpful for them to feel like home is a safe place and parents are not gonna share the teens' stories online or with random people. Explain that you will talk to be about how *you* feel about parenting to get help for you, but you won't discuss their specific stuff except with someone who is necessary like a therapist - it's a fine line, but it's important to be clear about boundaries. I've found informing and asking for permission to share is very helpful in building trust.
If you have self-harm, you're gonna need to safe-proof your house - no open bar, make sure their room has lots of helpful distractions/comforts and you don't have easy access to guns or anything super dangerous. I know one parent put a lock on their knife drawer in the kitchen for a while, and of course the medicine cabinet. With a younger kid, that's easy to tell visitors that it's general child safety stuff.
Lots of prep time for the 6 year old about this big change and scheduled time alone with both of them and together - a Friday pizza night together where they alternate picking movies, Dad & little kid time on Sundays while you & teen go to the mall, etc. Make it reliable and activity-based. Also a rule about where 6 year old can keep her stuff and that the big kid isn't allowed to mess with their stuff.
And honestly - siblings messing with stuff is regular sibling stuff, not difficult teen. I had a teen turn his room into a booby-trap zone for the toddler who was obsessed with his collection of toys. As long as they're safe and the damage isn't malicious, let them sort it out peacefully together. There are lots of sibling advice books out there.
I had one kid live separately due to serious risk to a much younger child. Prior to that it was about supervision and access of different space. Your situation sounds like siblings who need clear rules and nowhere near actual danger, but you are a better judge. Let them both do activities together where they can form their own relationship and big sister is seen as super cool, not a babysitter or a replacement.
and for the love of all, do not turn her into a babysitter/housekeeper. Be very clear about shared chores as a family - 6 year old can pick up toys and set the table, but this is a great time to model pitching in as a family and modelling non-gendered housekeeping and taking turns and responsibility. Expect messes and mistakes and deliberate pushback (wouldn't we all like to live in a hotel) but generally teens will help if they feel it's a fair system. However, she should not have the burden of responsibility for another child. Playtime yes, actual babysitting, no.
Group family chats are nice, we send stupid gifs and in-jokes on ours all day long. Privacy - if you can't do locks because of self-harm have a very very respected and enforced 'we knock and wait for an ok' rule for doors. Let her have a small budget to decorate her room. Let her add menu items to the shopping list for snacks and inclue her in meal planning for food she likes. Include or create regular family traditions to make her feel included.
Social media is tough. I had a rule that until 14, I could check their phones at anytime, then at 16 they had privacy unless there was a serious worry. Social media can be a real lifeline for kids BUT I would be strict about A) getting lots of sleep so enforcing a downtime w emergency overrides and B) going through filters and sensible guidelines every now and then - I help my youngest block diet stuff on her current social media, and a few channels are just flat banned on grounds of harm outweighs potential good.
Tell your friends this is coming up, and ask for help from moms of teens in your community. Avoid the ones who tell you what a saint/hero you are for doing this - you want people who understand nuance.
Teens are so hard and amazing to parent - there is so much going on and you get to help them navigate some really intense situations and see who they're becoming as adults. Good luck!
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 11:03 PM on April 23, 2023 [12 favorites]
Before you talk to her, be really thorough with your partner about your shared parenting goals and strategies. How involved are they as a parent? Are they expecting you to be 30%, 50%, 70% the primary parent? What are your shared values, how will you handle situation where you disagree about parenting decisions, etc. This is really helpful to go through with a parenting workbook with like actual checklists and questions, or at least in session with a family therapist. Get this stuff out - what will you do if the kid becomes sexually active while living with you? What will you do about gentle teasing of your younger kid vs bullying? How do you each define that?
Be really clear with each other about her privacy and dignity - troubled teens have to have their personal stuff shared with therapy/medical/school people which is embarassing and tough, and it's very very helpful for them to feel like home is a safe place and parents are not gonna share the teens' stories online or with random people. Explain that you will talk to be about how *you* feel about parenting to get help for you, but you won't discuss their specific stuff except with someone who is necessary like a therapist - it's a fine line, but it's important to be clear about boundaries. I've found informing and asking for permission to share is very helpful in building trust.
If you have self-harm, you're gonna need to safe-proof your house - no open bar, make sure their room has lots of helpful distractions/comforts and you don't have easy access to guns or anything super dangerous. I know one parent put a lock on their knife drawer in the kitchen for a while, and of course the medicine cabinet. With a younger kid, that's easy to tell visitors that it's general child safety stuff.
Lots of prep time for the 6 year old about this big change and scheduled time alone with both of them and together - a Friday pizza night together where they alternate picking movies, Dad & little kid time on Sundays while you & teen go to the mall, etc. Make it reliable and activity-based. Also a rule about where 6 year old can keep her stuff and that the big kid isn't allowed to mess with their stuff.
And honestly - siblings messing with stuff is regular sibling stuff, not difficult teen. I had a teen turn his room into a booby-trap zone for the toddler who was obsessed with his collection of toys. As long as they're safe and the damage isn't malicious, let them sort it out peacefully together. There are lots of sibling advice books out there.
I had one kid live separately due to serious risk to a much younger child. Prior to that it was about supervision and access of different space. Your situation sounds like siblings who need clear rules and nowhere near actual danger, but you are a better judge. Let them both do activities together where they can form their own relationship and big sister is seen as super cool, not a babysitter or a replacement.
and for the love of all, do not turn her into a babysitter/housekeeper. Be very clear about shared chores as a family - 6 year old can pick up toys and set the table, but this is a great time to model pitching in as a family and modelling non-gendered housekeeping and taking turns and responsibility. Expect messes and mistakes and deliberate pushback (wouldn't we all like to live in a hotel) but generally teens will help if they feel it's a fair system. However, she should not have the burden of responsibility for another child. Playtime yes, actual babysitting, no.
Group family chats are nice, we send stupid gifs and in-jokes on ours all day long. Privacy - if you can't do locks because of self-harm have a very very respected and enforced 'we knock and wait for an ok' rule for doors. Let her have a small budget to decorate her room. Let her add menu items to the shopping list for snacks and inclue her in meal planning for food she likes. Include or create regular family traditions to make her feel included.
Social media is tough. I had a rule that until 14, I could check their phones at anytime, then at 16 they had privacy unless there was a serious worry. Social media can be a real lifeline for kids BUT I would be strict about A) getting lots of sleep so enforcing a downtime w emergency overrides and B) going through filters and sensible guidelines every now and then - I help my youngest block diet stuff on her current social media, and a few channels are just flat banned on grounds of harm outweighs potential good.
Tell your friends this is coming up, and ask for help from moms of teens in your community. Avoid the ones who tell you what a saint/hero you are for doing this - you want people who understand nuance.
Teens are so hard and amazing to parent - there is so much going on and you get to help them navigate some really intense situations and see who they're becoming as adults. Good luck!
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 11:03 PM on April 23, 2023 [12 favorites]
Make sure she has access to an age appropriate book about sex so she can avoid STDs/pregnancy if/when she comes sexually active.
Let's Talk About It: The Teen's Guide to Sex, Relationships, and Being a Human is a good one.
Tell her that at age 15/16 you will happily take her to family planning, buy her condoms etc to keep her safe.
(Because gatekeeping won't stop teens having sex, it will just cause STDs and pregnancy.)
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 1:55 AM on April 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
Let's Talk About It: The Teen's Guide to Sex, Relationships, and Being a Human is a good one.
Tell her that at age 15/16 you will happily take her to family planning, buy her condoms etc to keep her safe.
(Because gatekeeping won't stop teens having sex, it will just cause STDs and pregnancy.)
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 1:55 AM on April 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
Also: a good idea to get her a lockable metal box with two keys (you have one, she has the other)
and tell her that you won't open the box unless you have safety concerns
that way she can keep precious/fragile things off limits to the 6 year old (which will cut down A LOT on conflict)
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 1:57 AM on April 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
and tell her that you won't open the box unless you have safety concerns
that way she can keep precious/fragile things off limits to the 6 year old (which will cut down A LOT on conflict)
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 1:57 AM on April 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: When I was 27, I became stepdad to three kids ages 5-11 (who are now all in their 20s). You're already in a better position—my switch was almost literally overnight and saw my life circumstances change so radically and quickly that my head was spinning for years.
If I could communicate only one thing to that past 27 year old self, above all else it would be: consequences must be understood before they are enforced. Discuss them, discuss the rationale behind them, discuss the reasons for them, discuss the conditions for avoiding them, discuss the follow through, discuss that they do not mean you aren't loved but rather that you have an understanding of cause and effect. THere can be no punishment that is invented on the spur of the moment, in the heat of anger or shock or embarrassment or disappointment. If a consequence has not beenestablished in advance, it does not exist.
My middle kid sounds a lot like yours (subtract the bullying and add in compulsive, nonstop lying). Not too much has changed in her life, but she's an adult now and, you know what? I think it's fine to recognize that difficult kids don't have to be fixed. They can be difficult and remain difficult, because maybe they're difficult. Show them love and care, be responsible and predictable. It can be too much sometimes, so communicate with your partner. Have that discussion now: what do I/we do when this feels like too much? My ex and I had a private safe word between us when we really needed to other to step in and take over so we could take a breather.
Social media is a bitch, and I never got a handle on it (in part because these kids had four parents, each with varying feelings about this subject). It has driven me up the wall watching these kids grow up enmeshed in devices and digital lives, even though I can recognize that there have been good things along with the bad things that come from that. I read and tried to expose them to ideas from, for example, Jaron Lanier and Jonathan Haidt. I think some of it resonated with them, but it's hard to stop a mass sociological movement powered by ubiquitous devices. Don't feel like you have to win this battle. Keep yourself and your relationship sane and center how you both feel about things—you're the adults in the room.
Hang in there!
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:23 AM on April 24, 2023 [10 favorites]
If I could communicate only one thing to that past 27 year old self, above all else it would be: consequences must be understood before they are enforced. Discuss them, discuss the rationale behind them, discuss the reasons for them, discuss the conditions for avoiding them, discuss the follow through, discuss that they do not mean you aren't loved but rather that you have an understanding of cause and effect. THere can be no punishment that is invented on the spur of the moment, in the heat of anger or shock or embarrassment or disappointment. If a consequence has not beenestablished in advance, it does not exist.
My middle kid sounds a lot like yours (subtract the bullying and add in compulsive, nonstop lying). Not too much has changed in her life, but she's an adult now and, you know what? I think it's fine to recognize that difficult kids don't have to be fixed. They can be difficult and remain difficult, because maybe they're difficult. Show them love and care, be responsible and predictable. It can be too much sometimes, so communicate with your partner. Have that discussion now: what do I/we do when this feels like too much? My ex and I had a private safe word between us when we really needed to other to step in and take over so we could take a breather.
Social media is a bitch, and I never got a handle on it (in part because these kids had four parents, each with varying feelings about this subject). It has driven me up the wall watching these kids grow up enmeshed in devices and digital lives, even though I can recognize that there have been good things along with the bad things that come from that. I read and tried to expose them to ideas from, for example, Jaron Lanier and Jonathan Haidt. I think some of it resonated with them, but it's hard to stop a mass sociological movement powered by ubiquitous devices. Don't feel like you have to win this battle. Keep yourself and your relationship sane and center how you both feel about things—you're the adults in the room.
Hang in there!
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:23 AM on April 24, 2023 [10 favorites]
Honestly, I don’t think you need to give up the NACHO philosophy. Most of what you listed are concerns for her dad & mom, not you. I would focus on creating positive connections and figuring out what makes her comfortable. And making sure you understand your reactions and are being fair about normal teenage stuff. You can still leave all the discipline to her dad. The only exception is that I do think it could be very uniquely useful for you to make sure she gets to Planned Parenthood. Ultimately your role as a friendly and stable presence is the best one.
posted by haptic_avenger at 4:29 AM on April 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by haptic_avenger at 4:29 AM on April 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Re nachoing, I still fully intend for parents to be responsible in general, and especially for discipline, but I need a greater level of control in my own house since the consequences of her choices will impact me more than before. Whether it's a medical crisis, bringing home substances, or just being moody because she's staying up too late, I telework and will be around her more and can't really do that comfortably if I don't get a say in the limits being set. Unfortunately her bio mom has basically given up on her so she really needs more loving structure anyway. My partner is not great at structure but agrees it's needed. I also want her to get some experience of "adult female authority" that isn't what has happened with her mother. But I do still intend to cherry pick, and bow out if certain dynamics aren't working. I just need more control over what this is all supposed to look like, or I won't be able to cope effectively with this level of change in my own house.
Also should have said before that we are good on being sex positive while being smart and safe and can take her wherever, but I am hoping she won't be developing social relationships here that would lead to that. I don't know where we could even connect her to teens that seem like reasonable peers. Most of her cohort in our area is the stereotypical designer drugs, stealing parents' medicine cabinet contents, status conscious crowd. My spouse and I are awkward autistic people who hang out with nerds and geeks and struggle to even ensure our 6yo's social needs are met, much less a teenager's. Obviously if she's here for 6+ months just not socializing isn't realistic but yeah I'm really worried about how to meet those needs in a way that is safe as peer relationships have been really tricky for her and caused a lot of mental health challenges.
posted by crunchy potato at 5:32 AM on April 24, 2023
Also should have said before that we are good on being sex positive while being smart and safe and can take her wherever, but I am hoping she won't be developing social relationships here that would lead to that. I don't know where we could even connect her to teens that seem like reasonable peers. Most of her cohort in our area is the stereotypical designer drugs, stealing parents' medicine cabinet contents, status conscious crowd. My spouse and I are awkward autistic people who hang out with nerds and geeks and struggle to even ensure our 6yo's social needs are met, much less a teenager's. Obviously if she's here for 6+ months just not socializing isn't realistic but yeah I'm really worried about how to meet those needs in a way that is safe as peer relationships have been really tricky for her and caused a lot of mental health challenges.
posted by crunchy potato at 5:32 AM on April 24, 2023
Make your house the safe house for her to bring a couple of friends (limit at # of chairs you can scrounge around table so 3-4 max) over for dinner and hanging out in the living room. It is perfectly fine with a small kid to say no overnights or locked doors for any gender, but being absent-mindedly welcoming to other young people and generally hands-off beats her going out to places and people you don't know.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:37 AM on April 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:37 AM on April 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
Some tough talk ahead: unless the mom is abusive, this is not a good idea. She and the kid need to learn strategies to deal with each other; the kid can’t just leave home to be with people she thinks will give her more freedom. It’s a setup to failure.
I’ve worked with teens and families for years and I’ve seen parents try this. It never, ever works and ultimately the kids resent their parents who didn’t try to keep them.
If you do go ahead with this plan, then know that the kid is coming into this situation hoping for more freedom. This means a lot of boundary testing after the honeymoon period. A lot of buttons being pushed and a lot of manipulation.
I would really suggest having mom and kid get some therapy together and work this out.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:50 AM on April 24, 2023 [11 favorites]
I’ve worked with teens and families for years and I’ve seen parents try this. It never, ever works and ultimately the kids resent their parents who didn’t try to keep them.
If you do go ahead with this plan, then know that the kid is coming into this situation hoping for more freedom. This means a lot of boundary testing after the honeymoon period. A lot of buttons being pushed and a lot of manipulation.
I would really suggest having mom and kid get some therapy together and work this out.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:50 AM on April 24, 2023 [11 favorites]
If she's going to be working, then yes, she will be developing social relationships. Expecting a 16 year old to go without any form of social interaction for a year is unrealistic. This means that yes, she is going to have to interact with children that you don't have a very high opinion of. The alternatives are that she stays in the house the entire time or, more likely, that she finds an older boyfriend/girlfriend and moves in with them.
posted by kingdead at 7:18 AM on April 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by kingdead at 7:18 AM on April 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
A conceptual thought — would it work if you stuck to the position, and said it explicitly to her, that you’re still not parenting her, that’s up to her father and (remotely) her mother. What you are, though, is an adult head of the household she’s living in, so you’re entitled to and responsible for setting limits and expectations that are directed toward the safety and comfort of the household members, which includes you, your younger child, and the teenager herself.
So for things that make sense to think of as having an impact on the household, you’re in charge and have authority. For anything that’s about her personal health and development, you’re a friendly adult who can be supportive and cooperative with her and her father, but you’re still fundamentally NACHO. If she understands that distinction, it might be easier for her to accept.
And as a side thought, I think it’s a terrible idea to hope she has no teenage friends for a full year. It’s just not possible that all the kids in your area are hellspawn, and social isolation can’t be good for her.
posted by LizardBreath at 7:28 AM on April 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
So for things that make sense to think of as having an impact on the household, you’re in charge and have authority. For anything that’s about her personal health and development, you’re a friendly adult who can be supportive and cooperative with her and her father, but you’re still fundamentally NACHO. If she understands that distinction, it might be easier for her to accept.
And as a side thought, I think it’s a terrible idea to hope she has no teenage friends for a full year. It’s just not possible that all the kids in your area are hellspawn, and social isolation can’t be good for her.
posted by LizardBreath at 7:28 AM on April 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Clarifications:
I was specifically saying I hope she doesn't have sexual relationships while she is with us (up to 6 months even though Mom requested a year), and was not saying I hope she doesn't make any friends. I also would not expect a teen to forego socialization for more than 2-3 months in a new city. I do not think my entire town is full of status conscious teens stealing their parents' meds but don't know where to find other types of peers for her to socialize with. I've worked in multiple middle and high schools as a mental health provider and the white flight suburban school dynamics are just the worst. That doesn't make them bad kids but it's the opposite of what this child needs to be around right now. I'm overwhelmed at the idea of having to navigate teen social dynamics, and of giving up that much more space in my home but I wouldn't prevent her from making friends or having them over.
Teen probably does expect more freedom in our home, but it was her mother asking for us to keep her for a while. The teen just asked for a few days away, or maybe the summer. Mom also doesn't understand mental health issues while spouse and I are open about having neurodivergent brains. Mom got teen into therapy but is generally not great at accommodating mental health symptoms in daily life or creating emotional safety to discuss those things, so teen probably has a lot less understanding there which would understandably cause more acting out. I realize that this can also be what she ties most of her manipulation to. Mom has also struggled to parent other stepdaughters who don't fit her expectations of her children so this isn't a new issue, but this particular child has always had more difficulties fitting into her full-time family.
posted by crunchy potato at 7:54 AM on April 24, 2023
I was specifically saying I hope she doesn't have sexual relationships while she is with us (up to 6 months even though Mom requested a year), and was not saying I hope she doesn't make any friends. I also would not expect a teen to forego socialization for more than 2-3 months in a new city. I do not think my entire town is full of status conscious teens stealing their parents' meds but don't know where to find other types of peers for her to socialize with. I've worked in multiple middle and high schools as a mental health provider and the white flight suburban school dynamics are just the worst. That doesn't make them bad kids but it's the opposite of what this child needs to be around right now. I'm overwhelmed at the idea of having to navigate teen social dynamics, and of giving up that much more space in my home but I wouldn't prevent her from making friends or having them over.
Teen probably does expect more freedom in our home, but it was her mother asking for us to keep her for a while. The teen just asked for a few days away, or maybe the summer. Mom also doesn't understand mental health issues while spouse and I are open about having neurodivergent brains. Mom got teen into therapy but is generally not great at accommodating mental health symptoms in daily life or creating emotional safety to discuss those things, so teen probably has a lot less understanding there which would understandably cause more acting out. I realize that this can also be what she ties most of her manipulation to. Mom has also struggled to parent other stepdaughters who don't fit her expectations of her children so this isn't a new issue, but this particular child has always had more difficulties fitting into her full-time family.
posted by crunchy potato at 7:54 AM on April 24, 2023
Best answer: I just recently added a 20+ yo to my teen and child in our already busy household (briefly), so I hear you. Here are a few chunks of thought.
Space: You will need quiet, contained space to work in during the day and she will need quiet, contained space to be herself in, do homeschool in*, and to explore her identity. This can be a real bonding opportunity to set up nice space for you both and have fun little "Do not disturb" signs and things like that. The reason I say this is that no matter what happens, you're both going to need space to retreat to. You can use your week to start brainstorming that.
Prioritize your relationship: It's so easy to jump to The Rules, but really everything is going to depend on a mutually respectful relationship. Teens are hard because they look like adults but they can't always articulate or follow through on things. I'm guessing from the graduate comment that she's an older teen - really a borderline adult in age if not in abilities.
I would start by asking her what she would like her days and weeks to look like and about her goals. Then I would share your own, which so far I would characterize as:
- you want to preserve your home as a safe, welcoming and supportive environment for your 6 year old, spouse, yourself, and of course her
- you want to establish some core values. In my house we kind of summarize these as "have each other's backs," and "this is everyone's home." (Our shorthands are "no one left behind" and "never give up, never surrender" but you have to be us to understand that means we don't give up on each other or ourselves.)
- make it clear you're in her corner
- make it clear you will always help her get out of trouble. No-questions-asked rides back from parties, help with missed deadlines, whatever.
When she stumbles, reiterate your values. My nephew brought really strong smelling pot into my house (it's legal here but we don't have it around.) I let him know we don't do drugs and effectively don't drink (1-2 drinks a month between us) to model other ways to relax with my kids and he took care of it, although he went for a few late-night walks.
I would establish at minimum a weekly meal or activity-where-you-can-talk where you will connect with her, possibly after your child is in bed. (Also establish a similar ritual with your 6 year old, where there's connection time without stepsib.) Invite her to show you things from time to time, pick a movie, ask her if she has something cute on TikTok that can lighten your mood. Recognize that she can contribute.
As the stepparent, I personally would stay out of her social media use and those kinds of things. I would however establish some household boundaries - for us this includes older kids being aware of not leaving out/watching stuff around younger ones, no devices at the table, no devices during chores and family time, some limits around screen use. Again though, I wouldn't be the enforcer of any rule that doesn't impact the whole family -- I would leave that to her father.
It's hard to tell if she deliberately wrecked the kid's things or just tossed them all together, but I would establish things like the kids don't go in each other's rooms, ask before you use something, put things back where you found them...basic stuff. For everyone. Same with 'clean up after yourself' and 'everyone does something to help the household every day' (dishes, sweep, clean the toilet, whatever.)
Real Talk: You can't make up for anything that's happened to her so far. You can't stop her from self-destructive behaviours (you can offer support, including professional support).
posted by warriorqueen at 8:34 AM on April 24, 2023 [10 favorites]
Space: You will need quiet, contained space to work in during the day and she will need quiet, contained space to be herself in, do homeschool in*, and to explore her identity. This can be a real bonding opportunity to set up nice space for you both and have fun little "Do not disturb" signs and things like that. The reason I say this is that no matter what happens, you're both going to need space to retreat to. You can use your week to start brainstorming that.
Prioritize your relationship: It's so easy to jump to The Rules, but really everything is going to depend on a mutually respectful relationship. Teens are hard because they look like adults but they can't always articulate or follow through on things. I'm guessing from the graduate comment that she's an older teen - really a borderline adult in age if not in abilities.
I would start by asking her what she would like her days and weeks to look like and about her goals. Then I would share your own, which so far I would characterize as:
- you want to preserve your home as a safe, welcoming and supportive environment for your 6 year old, spouse, yourself, and of course her
- you want to establish some core values. In my house we kind of summarize these as "have each other's backs," and "this is everyone's home." (Our shorthands are "no one left behind" and "never give up, never surrender" but you have to be us to understand that means we don't give up on each other or ourselves.)
- make it clear you're in her corner
- make it clear you will always help her get out of trouble. No-questions-asked rides back from parties, help with missed deadlines, whatever.
When she stumbles, reiterate your values. My nephew brought really strong smelling pot into my house (it's legal here but we don't have it around.) I let him know we don't do drugs and effectively don't drink (1-2 drinks a month between us) to model other ways to relax with my kids and he took care of it, although he went for a few late-night walks.
I would establish at minimum a weekly meal or activity-where-you-can-talk where you will connect with her, possibly after your child is in bed. (Also establish a similar ritual with your 6 year old, where there's connection time without stepsib.) Invite her to show you things from time to time, pick a movie, ask her if she has something cute on TikTok that can lighten your mood. Recognize that she can contribute.
As the stepparent, I personally would stay out of her social media use and those kinds of things. I would however establish some household boundaries - for us this includes older kids being aware of not leaving out/watching stuff around younger ones, no devices at the table, no devices during chores and family time, some limits around screen use. Again though, I wouldn't be the enforcer of any rule that doesn't impact the whole family -- I would leave that to her father.
It's hard to tell if she deliberately wrecked the kid's things or just tossed them all together, but I would establish things like the kids don't go in each other's rooms, ask before you use something, put things back where you found them...basic stuff. For everyone. Same with 'clean up after yourself' and 'everyone does something to help the household every day' (dishes, sweep, clean the toilet, whatever.)
Real Talk: You can't make up for anything that's happened to her so far. You can't stop her from self-destructive behaviours (you can offer support, including professional support).
posted by warriorqueen at 8:34 AM on April 24, 2023 [10 favorites]
Can you support the kid getting involved in some out of the house physical activity? Ideally something welcoming to newbies, but not team sports unless she's into it. Feels like that'd address a few of the issues, specifically adding some structure, giving her some choice over that structure (if she picks the activity), giving your entire household and her some away time from each other (and a measure of independence for her), providing some hopefully positive social interaction, and maybe burning off some of the angsty teen energy that might otherwise be channeled into more destructive impulses.
Saying this thinking about my friend who also struggled with some of the same issues as a wayward teen bouncing between parental homes and not going to high school. She wonders occasionally what life would've been like if she'd gotten into rock climbing as a teenager, rather than later in life.
posted by deludingmyself at 9:33 AM on April 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
Saying this thinking about my friend who also struggled with some of the same issues as a wayward teen bouncing between parental homes and not going to high school. She wonders occasionally what life would've been like if she'd gotten into rock climbing as a teenager, rather than later in life.
posted by deludingmyself at 9:33 AM on April 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
I had a couple of other thoughts, don't know if they're useful.
One is after your update - again I would look for positives rather than set rules around socializing. If she is coming for an extended period of time, I'd brainstorm with her where she might meet friends and social needs. If that can't be the kids right in your neighbourhood, she might need transportation. But some areas would be community theatre groups, a sport or hobby group, a summer camp job in a fancier neighbourhood, art class, etc. In my mind, this is worth investing money and time into for her.
Second is my child is 17 and I have to say that part of our journey this year (he's in university next! year!) has been to eliminate rules and let him mess up so that he's learning to manage them himself. This depends on the child and family but that's the perspective I was coming from in my earlier post. For example, I don't limit my 17 yo's social media or game/screen time much at this point, but I do annoyingly come up with outdoor chores I need help with if he's been online for the whole morning. When I stopped monitoring him and saying "hey go to bed," that resulted in some really tired mornings and one blown assignment. But regulating that stuff is an adult task. He's a pretty responsible kid but needed some experience.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:09 AM on April 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
One is after your update - again I would look for positives rather than set rules around socializing. If she is coming for an extended period of time, I'd brainstorm with her where she might meet friends and social needs. If that can't be the kids right in your neighbourhood, she might need transportation. But some areas would be community theatre groups, a sport or hobby group, a summer camp job in a fancier neighbourhood, art class, etc. In my mind, this is worth investing money and time into for her.
Second is my child is 17 and I have to say that part of our journey this year (he's in university next! year!) has been to eliminate rules and let him mess up so that he's learning to manage them himself. This depends on the child and family but that's the perspective I was coming from in my earlier post. For example, I don't limit my 17 yo's social media or game/screen time much at this point, but I do annoyingly come up with outdoor chores I need help with if he's been online for the whole morning. When I stopped monitoring him and saying "hey go to bed," that resulted in some really tired mornings and one blown assignment. But regulating that stuff is an adult task. He's a pretty responsible kid but needed some experience.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:09 AM on April 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
Best answer: The fact that she wants to be with you is huge: she may not be able to articulate why or adjust easily but she wants the stability and love your household can offer her. If she’s a late teen, she can help choose responsibilities and set boundaries.
For example, “we would like you to help with chores. We need to do x, y & z. Which one would you be willing to do? We’d be glad to help show you if you’re unsure.” Options that respect her privacy and autonomy: “We usually wash our laundry together but I want to respect your privacy: would you like for me to show you how to wash your own clothing or would you like for us to add it to ours?” “Let’s set phone boundaries together. What do you feel is fair?” I think also inviting along to try current family activities is great but also without pressure: “We go to the library every Saturday morning. We’d love for you to join us but understand if you’d rather sleep in this week.” You have the final say but buy-in makes it better as you know from working with teens! I think also encouraging her to add her own activity to the list would be nice! I’m curious also how the sister relationship may develop — or not! — but it can be a positive as much as it is a negative. You could ask her what type of big sister she’d want it went to be like and how you can support her with that. I think slow and steady with her input is best. Making sure you all get time together, time alone, time where it’s just her and dad or you and her, etc. Also, as you know, praise for doing a good job is much more effective than criticism when something is bad. I’d definitely be in touch with her school so they can help you support her too. I know this is very hard and scary too but I think ultimately it could be something really positive and beautiful, however many bumps along the way.
posted by smorgasbord at 10:12 AM on April 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
For example, “we would like you to help with chores. We need to do x, y & z. Which one would you be willing to do? We’d be glad to help show you if you’re unsure.” Options that respect her privacy and autonomy: “We usually wash our laundry together but I want to respect your privacy: would you like for me to show you how to wash your own clothing or would you like for us to add it to ours?” “Let’s set phone boundaries together. What do you feel is fair?” I think also inviting along to try current family activities is great but also without pressure: “We go to the library every Saturday morning. We’d love for you to join us but understand if you’d rather sleep in this week.” You have the final say but buy-in makes it better as you know from working with teens! I think also encouraging her to add her own activity to the list would be nice! I’m curious also how the sister relationship may develop — or not! — but it can be a positive as much as it is a negative. You could ask her what type of big sister she’d want it went to be like and how you can support her with that. I think slow and steady with her input is best. Making sure you all get time together, time alone, time where it’s just her and dad or you and her, etc. Also, as you know, praise for doing a good job is much more effective than criticism when something is bad. I’d definitely be in touch with her school so they can help you support her too. I know this is very hard and scary too but I think ultimately it could be something really positive and beautiful, however many bumps along the way.
posted by smorgasbord at 10:12 AM on April 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
Best answer: First, it sounds like you all have a good foundation, and that's super important. Next, is MIL around to help with her granddaughter? It sounds like she could use some extra attention and love and kindness right now.
My partner is not great at structure but agrees it's needed. Look, I know this is happening really fast, but I am guessing this is a big part of the problem and stress right now. Have you been parenting your partner and mostly doing the parenting in your household now? Are you the one thinking through all the things you think the older kid needs? You aren't nachoing then! If you are saying, "Hey, kid needs structure," that's a super different thing than your partner saying, "Hey, my kid needs structure and I am struggling to provide it. Can you help me figure out how to do this?"
Because so many of the questions you are asking -- about privacy and social media -- could absolutely be on his plate to figure out. Because you are not about to become a full time parent. You are about to become a full time stepparent. You are still the stepparent, even when your stepkid is with you full time.
Also, I think the best way to communicate love and healthy attachment is not to reject her or push her away or stonewall when she behaves in a way you don't like. So you're saying she's staying for a week and then you'll decide if she stays longer. That sounds pretty terrible, like she's interviewing, like this is conditional. I think the line should be, "This is your home, and you always have a place here," having nothing to do with the mother or her ability or interest to parent. That should be the consistent line from her dad and from you.
Also, can you rethink the homeschool or unschooling? Because if dad struggles to provide structure, well, guess what is full of structure? School! School in a new place would be a great way to give her some interactions with new adults (hopefully decent teachers) and give her some peer interactions. It would get her out of the house and moving around in a structured way. If you are working from home and she's there all the time, well, life is going to be much harder than if she's in school.
If she can't go to school, look for an online school. I don't think you should be directing her education, because then you're going from nacho to like uber authoritarian parent and teacher all at once, and that seems like it could blow up fast for you both.
I also want to agree with warriorqueen that the fewer rules, the better. Yes, there can be household rules around respecting other people's belongings and privacy, and that's a mutual rule (right?), but natural consequences are great for teens like for little kids. Pestering older kids to do homework or they don't get dessert isn't it. But she needs to learn to manage her own life right now. Giving her some control and privacy is a bit part of her helping to grow up and regulate herself.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:54 AM on April 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
My partner is not great at structure but agrees it's needed. Look, I know this is happening really fast, but I am guessing this is a big part of the problem and stress right now. Have you been parenting your partner and mostly doing the parenting in your household now? Are you the one thinking through all the things you think the older kid needs? You aren't nachoing then! If you are saying, "Hey, kid needs structure," that's a super different thing than your partner saying, "Hey, my kid needs structure and I am struggling to provide it. Can you help me figure out how to do this?"
Because so many of the questions you are asking -- about privacy and social media -- could absolutely be on his plate to figure out. Because you are not about to become a full time parent. You are about to become a full time stepparent. You are still the stepparent, even when your stepkid is with you full time.
Also, I think the best way to communicate love and healthy attachment is not to reject her or push her away or stonewall when she behaves in a way you don't like. So you're saying she's staying for a week and then you'll decide if she stays longer. That sounds pretty terrible, like she's interviewing, like this is conditional. I think the line should be, "This is your home, and you always have a place here," having nothing to do with the mother or her ability or interest to parent. That should be the consistent line from her dad and from you.
Also, can you rethink the homeschool or unschooling? Because if dad struggles to provide structure, well, guess what is full of structure? School! School in a new place would be a great way to give her some interactions with new adults (hopefully decent teachers) and give her some peer interactions. It would get her out of the house and moving around in a structured way. If you are working from home and she's there all the time, well, life is going to be much harder than if she's in school.
If she can't go to school, look for an online school. I don't think you should be directing her education, because then you're going from nacho to like uber authoritarian parent and teacher all at once, and that seems like it could blow up fast for you both.
I also want to agree with warriorqueen that the fewer rules, the better. Yes, there can be household rules around respecting other people's belongings and privacy, and that's a mutual rule (right?), but natural consequences are great for teens like for little kids. Pestering older kids to do homework or they don't get dessert isn't it. But she needs to learn to manage her own life right now. Giving her some control and privacy is a bit part of her helping to grow up and regulate herself.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:54 AM on April 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
- make it clear you're in her corner
- make it clear you will always help her get out of trouble. No-questions-asked rides back from parties, help with missed deadlines, whatever.
Quoting warriorqueen again: this stuff is super important. I had a big shift with one of my teens over the pandemic. I realized I was in an oppositional relationship to him around school, like I was on the side of school against him. (I didn't mean to create that dynamic, but it happened over time.) An incident happened where a teacher treated my kid poorly and my kid responded in what seemed to me to be the more mature way (there was a video recording, so I saw it all!). It made me realize I needed to be my kid's support and cheerleader, or whatever he needed. You don't want to scold your kid when they come to you and tell you they've messed up or gotten in a bad situation. Instead, you want your approach to be more like, "Okay, you're stuck in this big hole you dug. What do we need to do to get you out of it? What can I do to help you get yourself out?"
This is going to be hard if you see conflict with your other kids, but it's honestly not all that different from the nacho approach, which is focused on praise and having a positive relationship. Honestly, that sounds like a great way to parent generally, except that you will be helping out when the kid wants it.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:02 AM on April 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
- make it clear you will always help her get out of trouble. No-questions-asked rides back from parties, help with missed deadlines, whatever.
Quoting warriorqueen again: this stuff is super important. I had a big shift with one of my teens over the pandemic. I realized I was in an oppositional relationship to him around school, like I was on the side of school against him. (I didn't mean to create that dynamic, but it happened over time.) An incident happened where a teacher treated my kid poorly and my kid responded in what seemed to me to be the more mature way (there was a video recording, so I saw it all!). It made me realize I needed to be my kid's support and cheerleader, or whatever he needed. You don't want to scold your kid when they come to you and tell you they've messed up or gotten in a bad situation. Instead, you want your approach to be more like, "Okay, you're stuck in this big hole you dug. What do we need to do to get you out of it? What can I do to help you get yourself out?"
This is going to be hard if you see conflict with your other kids, but it's honestly not all that different from the nacho approach, which is focused on praise and having a positive relationship. Honestly, that sounds like a great way to parent generally, except that you will be helping out when the kid wants it.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:02 AM on April 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
Oh wait, why are you not enrolling her in school? I missed that part. That seems potentially harmful to her. School is where teens learn and have independence from home, which is essential for their mental health and growth. School can also be where she gets educational and mental health supports for free and with less strain on the family if she has a 504/IEP. And of course school will be where she makes friends, also essential for her mental health. Finally, school makes learning the school’s primary responsibility which removes pressure from parents. And gets her out of the house!
Even if she was homeschooled with her mom, this seems like a good opportunity for a new page. If she is engaged in school refusal, there are good counseling resources for that.
posted by haptic_avenger at 4:08 PM on April 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
Even if she was homeschooled with her mom, this seems like a good opportunity for a new page. If she is engaged in school refusal, there are good counseling resources for that.
posted by haptic_avenger at 4:08 PM on April 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: She was moved to homeschooling at her own request. Mother agreed. She seems burned out and may be able to do regular school in the future but right now she is too overwhelmed. Our district is unfortunately not great at supporting kids with disabilities unless the disability grossly impairs their academic performance. It is possible that she would be able to heal over the summer and attend in person in the fall.
I do agree about all the benefits to in-person school, but it might not be feasible for her. She's pretty emotionally fragile right now and if part of the problem is her mental health needs being invalidated and disrespected then it's ultimately going to help her more in the long term to listen to her about that. Dad discussed getting her into virtual school with a structured curriculum that he would be fully responsible for and we could get her into community athletics.
posted by crunchy potato at 7:40 AM on April 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
I do agree about all the benefits to in-person school, but it might not be feasible for her. She's pretty emotionally fragile right now and if part of the problem is her mental health needs being invalidated and disrespected then it's ultimately going to help her more in the long term to listen to her about that. Dad discussed getting her into virtual school with a structured curriculum that he would be fully responsible for and we could get her into community athletics.
posted by crunchy potato at 7:40 AM on April 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you have a great plan and this will be a really powerful experience. Hard but so important!! <3
posted by smorgasbord at 10:05 AM on April 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by smorgasbord at 10:05 AM on April 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by lookoutbelow at 10:50 PM on April 23, 2023 [7 favorites]