My consultant is a piece or work
April 23, 2023 11:50 PM Subscribe
I work as a substitute teacher via a few teaching agencies. There is one consultant/agency which gets me the most work. However, her texts (not emails as they are monitored) are more often than not rude and bullying. Other than leave the agency and refuse to work for her, what on earth can I do. How do I deal with her?
This is an example (our latest interaction). A couple of weeks ago she asked me to do two days teaching music only at a school. I wasn’t available and told her so but also wouldn’t have accepted anyway it as I can’t teach singing and music. It is very much a specialist teacher role which is why they have teachers who just teach music and move from school to school doing just that. Last week she asked me to do a day at a different school, but within the same Trust. It would be PPA cover and all planning would be in place. I agreed.
I contacted the school asking if they wouldn’t mind emailing me the plans so I could familiarise myself with them. They sent me an email on Sunday afternoon. It was teaching music all day and there were no plans. They told me I should plan a singing activity for 3 hours in the morning and another musical activity in the afternoon. I sent my agency consultant a really apologetic email to say that I wouldn’t be able to do the day as I can’t teach singing and music. I told her I can’t sing and am tone deaf and that I also have an ear condition (PET) which is triggered by singing so three hours of singing would be disaster (really uncomfortable and painful and impossible) I told her I wouldn’t have a clue how to plan for music as I have never had to teach it.
She replied by text at 6pm.
C: Can u ring me? I am really confused.
Me: I am out with my family at the moment. What are you confused about?
C: Your email? The headteacher said to me the years and that work is set and to follow it, where has this big essay about music come from? Also, I thought as a primary teacher that you all had to teach a variety of subjects as part of the curriculum?
Me: I thought my email was quite clear. I don’t teach singing and music and never have done.
C: No what I asked was how do u know its music as I would have told you if I knew. My friend is a primary teacher and he has to teach all subjects is that not what u all have to do when teaching? That’s why I was confused.
Me: I’ve already explained why I don’t teach music.
C: I’m still confused. I’m asking you a question and you aren’t answering it. Why do u think it’s music all I was told was work is set. Never mind, I will ask the head myself what it’s covering subject-wise.
I was really annoyed at her messages that I should be teaching music. I’ve always worked in schools where a music specialist teacher would come in and teach music as many general cover teachers don’t have the expertise. I wasn’t deliberately not answering her about how I knew. I didn’t really want to respond to the messages at all as I was annoyed at her tone. She should just accept that no, I can’t do it without giving me a lecture. I found her tone very insulting e.g. Where did this big essay about music come from? (I thought that was a rude referral to the email I had sent)
No, That wasn’t my question.
I am asking you a question and you aren’t answering it.
I strongly suspect that she did know it was music cover as the school is in the same group of schools as the other one she asked me about a few weeks ago. The teachers only get PPA cover when a music specialist teacher comes in or P.E. specialist. I get rude and insulting messages like this weekly, particularly, if I refuse to work somewhere or if I don't respond immediately to messages that get sent out of hours/overnight.
This is an example (our latest interaction). A couple of weeks ago she asked me to do two days teaching music only at a school. I wasn’t available and told her so but also wouldn’t have accepted anyway it as I can’t teach singing and music. It is very much a specialist teacher role which is why they have teachers who just teach music and move from school to school doing just that. Last week she asked me to do a day at a different school, but within the same Trust. It would be PPA cover and all planning would be in place. I agreed.
I contacted the school asking if they wouldn’t mind emailing me the plans so I could familiarise myself with them. They sent me an email on Sunday afternoon. It was teaching music all day and there were no plans. They told me I should plan a singing activity for 3 hours in the morning and another musical activity in the afternoon. I sent my agency consultant a really apologetic email to say that I wouldn’t be able to do the day as I can’t teach singing and music. I told her I can’t sing and am tone deaf and that I also have an ear condition (PET) which is triggered by singing so three hours of singing would be disaster (really uncomfortable and painful and impossible) I told her I wouldn’t have a clue how to plan for music as I have never had to teach it.
She replied by text at 6pm.
C: Can u ring me? I am really confused.
Me: I am out with my family at the moment. What are you confused about?
C: Your email? The headteacher said to me the years and that work is set and to follow it, where has this big essay about music come from? Also, I thought as a primary teacher that you all had to teach a variety of subjects as part of the curriculum?
Me: I thought my email was quite clear. I don’t teach singing and music and never have done.
C: No what I asked was how do u know its music as I would have told you if I knew. My friend is a primary teacher and he has to teach all subjects is that not what u all have to do when teaching? That’s why I was confused.
Me: I’ve already explained why I don’t teach music.
C: I’m still confused. I’m asking you a question and you aren’t answering it. Why do u think it’s music all I was told was work is set. Never mind, I will ask the head myself what it’s covering subject-wise.
I was really annoyed at her messages that I should be teaching music. I’ve always worked in schools where a music specialist teacher would come in and teach music as many general cover teachers don’t have the expertise. I wasn’t deliberately not answering her about how I knew. I didn’t really want to respond to the messages at all as I was annoyed at her tone. She should just accept that no, I can’t do it without giving me a lecture. I found her tone very insulting e.g. Where did this big essay about music come from? (I thought that was a rude referral to the email I had sent)
No, That wasn’t my question.
I am asking you a question and you aren’t answering it.
I strongly suspect that she did know it was music cover as the school is in the same group of schools as the other one she asked me about a few weeks ago. The teachers only get PPA cover when a music specialist teacher comes in or P.E. specialist. I get rude and insulting messages like this weekly, particularly, if I refuse to work somewhere or if I don't respond immediately to messages that get sent out of hours/overnight.
Best answer: So you called her bs and she was annoyed. Model yourself on a duck - this is water running off your back.
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:34 AM on April 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:34 AM on April 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Why didn't you just tell her that you contacted the school and they told you it was all music, all day with no plans in place?
posted by hworth at 1:36 AM on April 24, 2023 [81 favorites]
posted by hworth at 1:36 AM on April 24, 2023 [81 favorites]
Best answer: where has this big essay about music come from?
what I asked was how do u know its music?
Why do u think it’s music all I was told was work is set?
None of your responses answered her question. She's trying to work out why a job that she thought was well planned (and not music) is now all music/singing and unplanned? She is asking 'how do you know this new information that I don't know?'.
You could have said: 'I contacted the school'.
posted by Thella at 1:37 AM on April 24, 2023 [88 favorites]
what I asked was how do u know its music?
Why do u think it’s music all I was told was work is set?
None of your responses answered her question. She's trying to work out why a job that she thought was well planned (and not music) is now all music/singing and unplanned? She is asking 'how do you know this new information that I don't know?'.
You could have said: 'I contacted the school'.
posted by Thella at 1:37 AM on April 24, 2023 [88 favorites]
Best answer: Yes, she's rude, but I agree you didn't actually answer her question. You're assuming she knew this assignment was music teaching but it's possible she didn't and is genuinely confused about your message.
I also have a senior coworker whose communication style comes across as rude but I've had to just make peace with the fact that they are very (too) direct and don't have great communication skills. It's worse over text because the way they communicate makes the perceived tone even worse. It still winds me up sometimes even though I know what the issue is and they're otherwise a nice person.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:52 AM on April 24, 2023 [17 favorites]
I also have a senior coworker whose communication style comes across as rude but I've had to just make peace with the fact that they are very (too) direct and don't have great communication skills. It's worse over text because the way they communicate makes the perceived tone even worse. It still winds me up sometimes even though I know what the issue is and they're otherwise a nice person.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:52 AM on April 24, 2023 [17 favorites]
Best answer: I think you probably both thought the other was being rude. She repeatedly asked a question:
The headteacher said to me the years and that work is set and to follow it, where has this big essay about music come from? = I was told this should be a simple assignment where you follow set plans. Why assume you'll have to do singing?
No what I asked was how do u know its music as I would have told you if I knew
= seriously, whence the assumption that it's music? (And also, I took your previous concerns seriously and would have told you it was music if I thought that were the case)
I’m still confused. I’m asking you a question and you aren’t answering it. Why do u think it’s music all I was told was work is set. = this is a weird conversion, let me try to spell it out as clearly as possible. Here's a third chance to answer the same question
The third time it seems you didn't answer at all; the first two times you answered very curtly and without the missing information that would help her understand what was going on. "I thought my email was quite clear" and "I've already explained" are very assertive, but they're not at all polite. I personally read the first as condescending (ymmv).
I'd get back to her and say:
"I'm sorry, I was in the middle of something when we talked and just realized I was completely misunderstanding your question.
The thing is, after I accepted the assignment I contacted the school and they told me there were no set plans other than that I should plan a singing activity for 3 hours in the morning and another musical activity in the afternoon.
You're absolutely right that as a primary teacher I do teach a wide variety of subjects, particularly all academic subjects and [art, physical education, ?]. But music, specifically, is a specialized subject to the point where specialized training is required to create lesson plans. And my ear condition makes it physically impossible to simply have the kids sing for three hours as the school requested, which I might have been able to do otherwise.
I apologize for the confusion! Thanks for trying to clear the matter up."
I know, it might feel a bit too brown-nosing, but you acted (imo) a bit unprofessionally, and from her perspective as someone who's placing you in schools she needs to know what your deal is - are you a reliable substitute who can teach a wide variety of subjects, and a person she can easily communicate with, or are you a picky teacher who can't improvise a lesson plan and is frustrating and difficult to communicate with.
posted by trig at 3:03 AM on April 24, 2023 [51 favorites]
The headteacher said to me the years and that work is set and to follow it, where has this big essay about music come from? = I was told this should be a simple assignment where you follow set plans. Why assume you'll have to do singing?
No what I asked was how do u know its music as I would have told you if I knew
= seriously, whence the assumption that it's music? (And also, I took your previous concerns seriously and would have told you it was music if I thought that were the case)
I’m still confused. I’m asking you a question and you aren’t answering it. Why do u think it’s music all I was told was work is set. = this is a weird conversion, let me try to spell it out as clearly as possible. Here's a third chance to answer the same question
The third time it seems you didn't answer at all; the first two times you answered very curtly and without the missing information that would help her understand what was going on. "I thought my email was quite clear" and "I've already explained" are very assertive, but they're not at all polite. I personally read the first as condescending (ymmv).
I'd get back to her and say:
"I'm sorry, I was in the middle of something when we talked and just realized I was completely misunderstanding your question.
The thing is, after I accepted the assignment I contacted the school and they told me there were no set plans other than that I should plan a singing activity for 3 hours in the morning and another musical activity in the afternoon.
You're absolutely right that as a primary teacher I do teach a wide variety of subjects, particularly all academic subjects and [art, physical education, ?]. But music, specifically, is a specialized subject to the point where specialized training is required to create lesson plans. And my ear condition makes it physically impossible to simply have the kids sing for three hours as the school requested, which I might have been able to do otherwise.
I apologize for the confusion! Thanks for trying to clear the matter up."
I know, it might feel a bit too brown-nosing, but you acted (imo) a bit unprofessionally, and from her perspective as someone who's placing you in schools she needs to know what your deal is - are you a reliable substitute who can teach a wide variety of subjects, and a person she can easily communicate with, or are you a picky teacher who can't improvise a lesson plan and is frustrating and difficult to communicate with.
posted by trig at 3:03 AM on April 24, 2023 [51 favorites]
Best answer: Also, since you say this is just one example of something that has happened before, I think the general answer to "How do I deal with her?" is to completely ignore her tone and focus on content. Tone is easy to get wrong or misunderstand, especially over text, and everyone has different ideas about what constitutes rudeness versus normal communication. A professional knows how to look beyond tone to see what the actual issues at hand are and if they have any merit. Do your best to think about how things look from her perspective, don't get mad at her for not knowing what she doesn't know, and communicate with her like a teacher would with a student who doesn't understand something: figure out what she doesn't understand, help her to understand it, and help her to see you as a good person to work with, who's on the same side as her.
posted by trig at 3:49 AM on April 24, 2023 [16 favorites]
posted by trig at 3:49 AM on April 24, 2023 [16 favorites]
Best answer: Yes, in this specific case you both read as rude to me - she asked you a question with a straightforward answer, repeatedly, and you for some reason refused to answer it. This could have been a simple “I talked to the school, they let me know it’s a type of teaching I can’t do, can’t talk more about this right now as I’m out and about”, and instead you dragged it out and annoyed both of you. (I also don’t understand why, if you think she should have known it was music based on the school and type of cover, you didn’t know based on the same things?)
But it sounds like she has a long standing pattern here that maybe you’ve gotten so annoyed by that you’re reacting to it in less than helpful ways. But you know she’s much worse through non-monitored channels, so maybe just redirect her to those channels. Stop being available and responsive by text, definitely don’t take calls, and retrain her that email is the only way she gets a timely response from you.
If music comes up again it sounds like you have a very straightforward out here - you have a medical condition that means you cannot, now or ever, teach music. Don’t get into your training, don’t get into what teachers usually do - you personally cannot teach music, ever, period.
posted by Stacey at 4:10 AM on April 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
But it sounds like she has a long standing pattern here that maybe you’ve gotten so annoyed by that you’re reacting to it in less than helpful ways. But you know she’s much worse through non-monitored channels, so maybe just redirect her to those channels. Stop being available and responsive by text, definitely don’t take calls, and retrain her that email is the only way she gets a timely response from you.
If music comes up again it sounds like you have a very straightforward out here - you have a medical condition that means you cannot, now or ever, teach music. Don’t get into your training, don’t get into what teachers usually do - you personally cannot teach music, ever, period.
posted by Stacey at 4:10 AM on April 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
Best answer: To help going forward - I totally get that you were with your family and this was all going down on a Sunday. But I think the ask to have a call was a good one on her part - you probably both would have come away with more understanding.
I get rude and insulting messages like this weekly, particularly, if I refuse to work somewhere or if I don't respond immediately to messages that get sent out of hours/overnight.
Scheduling is the worst. In an ideal world, since that’s her job, her communication would be much more smooth, for sure. If there’s a history I can see how it struck you as really rude. To me it reads like stress.
At her end, she’s trying to fill spots for substitute teaching probably at very last minutes sometimes, and it sounds like she’s not always got all the right information in the files (she doesn’t understand the specialist role and she doesn’t have a file that says you can’t sub music.) I have sympathy for her here because she thought this placement was covered and then on Sunday it suddenly wasn’t, and everyone she is going to ask next is now getting a late request on Sunday, and it could take a couple of hours to sort out (at least.)
Some people really believe that if they can talk through your objections you’ll show up, which will solve their issue of not enough substitute teachers. My boss is like this, and since I see how consistent he is, I know it’s not personal. My response is to be even more polite but firm.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:16 AM on April 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
I get rude and insulting messages like this weekly, particularly, if I refuse to work somewhere or if I don't respond immediately to messages that get sent out of hours/overnight.
Scheduling is the worst. In an ideal world, since that’s her job, her communication would be much more smooth, for sure. If there’s a history I can see how it struck you as really rude. To me it reads like stress.
At her end, she’s trying to fill spots for substitute teaching probably at very last minutes sometimes, and it sounds like she’s not always got all the right information in the files (she doesn’t understand the specialist role and she doesn’t have a file that says you can’t sub music.) I have sympathy for her here because she thought this placement was covered and then on Sunday it suddenly wasn’t, and everyone she is going to ask next is now getting a late request on Sunday, and it could take a couple of hours to sort out (at least.)
Some people really believe that if they can talk through your objections you’ll show up, which will solve their issue of not enough substitute teachers. My boss is like this, and since I see how consistent he is, I know it’s not personal. My response is to be even more polite but firm.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:16 AM on April 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I get you are frustrated with this person, but I don't find her texts particularly rude. I find your refusal to answer the question odd (why was it so hard to say, "I know it's a music class because the school told me."?). Your stress and annoyance at possibly being stuck teaching music is understandable, but your consultant should be allowed to say, "what? They told me you were teaching "not music" Why do you think you teaching music all day?"
If this person was lying and were aware they were sending you off to the music class, that still doesn't change the conversation.
I think the professional thing to do is ignore everything but the actual content.
One other thing--you mention she makes comments about you not responding to texts off hours, so you could address that directly--"I will always respond to your texts within 24 hours just so you know." Then, again, ignore anything you find rude or insulting. Life is much easier that way.
good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 4:20 AM on April 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
If this person was lying and were aware they were sending you off to the music class, that still doesn't change the conversation.
I think the professional thing to do is ignore everything but the actual content.
One other thing--you mention she makes comments about you not responding to texts off hours, so you could address that directly--"I will always respond to your texts within 24 hours just so you know." Then, again, ignore anything you find rude or insulting. Life is much easier that way.
good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 4:20 AM on April 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: TBH, from the one interaction that you've posted, I don't see how she was rude, insulting or bullying. If anything, you were the rude one. You were short with her and not answering her question. You say it wasn't deliberate but you didn't answer her question - why not?
If you'd have answered her question the first time, or included that information in the original email then maybe this whole exchange could have been avoided.
You seem to have decided her motives and are responding accordingly rather than to what she's actually saying.
You've decided that she knew it was music cover and was trying to trick or bully you into teaching it? For what reason would she do that? You says she's giving you a lecture - I don't see that? She's just trying to get an understanding of the situation.
This is what I see - She's been told the job is PPA, all planning in place etc, offers you the job, you accept. Great. But then with less than a week to go (possibly less than 24 hours if the job was for Monday) you turn it down because its music. She's confused by this and wants to know where this information has come from because its different to what she's been told. You refuse to answer.
I see a woman trying to do her job and get clarification on a mix up or miscommunication, especially if she's been left in the shit, last minute and has to find someone else to cover that day.
Her trying to seek clarification about you not teaching music is a little irritating but I don't think it's that unusual for a primary teacher to cover all primary subjects. I don't think I ever had specialist music or PE teachers in primary school. Again, this could just be her trying to clarify who she needs to find to cover this position. I suspect she may not be very bright.
*I will add a caveat that I do know someone who uses the whole "I'm just confused" and very passive language etc to manipulate people and make it seem like you're the unreasonable one if you have an issue with her, she's just asking questions etc. Its so annoying but she's gotten away with it for years and pushed a bunch of people out of this organization I was a part of because they can't deal with her but she's not doing anything wrong or breaking any rules so there's nothing can be done.
If you're out with your family and don't want to respond to work related texts, don't respond. You're not obligated too but this interaction was just unnecessarily difficult and stressful for the both of you, either answer her questions properly or just don't respond. If she doesn't annoy you in the same way over email then let her know that she's only to contact you via email and then just don't reply to any texts. If she berates you for not responding to messages out of hours, remind her that you are not "on call" (I assume you only get paid for the teaching jobs you take and aren't getting paid by the agency to be available whenever they want)
posted by missmagenta at 4:28 AM on April 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
If you'd have answered her question the first time, or included that information in the original email then maybe this whole exchange could have been avoided.
You seem to have decided her motives and are responding accordingly rather than to what she's actually saying.
You've decided that she knew it was music cover and was trying to trick or bully you into teaching it? For what reason would she do that? You says she's giving you a lecture - I don't see that? She's just trying to get an understanding of the situation.
This is what I see - She's been told the job is PPA, all planning in place etc, offers you the job, you accept. Great. But then with less than a week to go (possibly less than 24 hours if the job was for Monday) you turn it down because its music. She's confused by this and wants to know where this information has come from because its different to what she's been told. You refuse to answer.
I see a woman trying to do her job and get clarification on a mix up or miscommunication, especially if she's been left in the shit, last minute and has to find someone else to cover that day.
Her trying to seek clarification about you not teaching music is a little irritating but I don't think it's that unusual for a primary teacher to cover all primary subjects. I don't think I ever had specialist music or PE teachers in primary school. Again, this could just be her trying to clarify who she needs to find to cover this position. I suspect she may not be very bright.
*I will add a caveat that I do know someone who uses the whole "I'm just confused" and very passive language etc to manipulate people and make it seem like you're the unreasonable one if you have an issue with her, she's just asking questions etc. Its so annoying but she's gotten away with it for years and pushed a bunch of people out of this organization I was a part of because they can't deal with her but she's not doing anything wrong or breaking any rules so there's nothing can be done.
If you're out with your family and don't want to respond to work related texts, don't respond. You're not obligated too but this interaction was just unnecessarily difficult and stressful for the both of you, either answer her questions properly or just don't respond. If she doesn't annoy you in the same way over email then let her know that she's only to contact you via email and then just don't reply to any texts. If she berates you for not responding to messages out of hours, remind her that you are not "on call" (I assume you only get paid for the teaching jobs you take and aren't getting paid by the agency to be available whenever they want)
posted by missmagenta at 4:28 AM on April 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
Scheduling is the worst.
Oh yes, I do want to second this. Scheduling is the stressful, thankless, neverending worst.
posted by trig at 4:59 AM on April 24, 2023
Oh yes, I do want to second this. Scheduling is the stressful, thankless, neverending worst.
posted by trig at 4:59 AM on April 24, 2023
Best answer: If this is what you have to do to get enough work for yourself, it might be worth it. Can you get to the point where you know she is going to be rude/overly direct with you and laugh it off? It is annoying, but she's the obstacle to this work. As for the pushing music part of it, just keep saying it is not possible. Nope, can't do it. You've already explained it to her and giving more info just gives her a chance to argue back. Maybe main teachers do teach a bit of music but most don't do it all day.
I had no idea what PPA cover is, but upon searching it seems it is when you fill in for a teacher who is not out sick but instead needs time to do admin and planning work without also having to manage students. Later you say "The teachers only get PPA cover when a music specialist teacher comes in or P.E. specialist." So, is that true for this entire trust? Whenever they ask you for PPA cover they will be expecting a music lesson? You might lay that out to her clearly in an email that you won't do PPAs for this specific trust because it is often music.
I also wonder if there are other musical activities they might accept, like history and then some audio presentations, rhyming practice, or dance instruction. Anything that won't bother your ear condition.
posted by soelo at 6:20 AM on April 24, 2023
I had no idea what PPA cover is, but upon searching it seems it is when you fill in for a teacher who is not out sick but instead needs time to do admin and planning work without also having to manage students. Later you say "The teachers only get PPA cover when a music specialist teacher comes in or P.E. specialist." So, is that true for this entire trust? Whenever they ask you for PPA cover they will be expecting a music lesson? You might lay that out to her clearly in an email that you won't do PPAs for this specific trust because it is often music.
I also wonder if there are other musical activities they might accept, like history and then some audio presentations, rhyming practice, or dance instruction. Anything that won't bother your ear condition.
posted by soelo at 6:20 AM on April 24, 2023
Best answer: Yeah I'm sorry, maybe you just picked a bad example but you're the one dropping the communication ball here. Are you not supposed to be contacting the schools yourself, and that's why you wouldn't just tell her how you knew the assignment was music teaching? That's sure not her fault.
That her messages annoy you doesn't make them rude, it makes you annoyed.
Regardless of who is rude: at this point the two of you don't work well together. She is trying to do her job, which is to get substitutes in classes. You are trying to do your job, which is to work when you are available and willing. These goals only overlap rarely, it sounds like, if you are regularly refusing work and feel like she is lying to get you to take more work than you want. Though, in her slight defense (slight because it's the result of a bad system), most subs I know are taking every single job they can just to make ends meet; that is likely what she's used to encountering frankly.
This is probably just a bad fit and you should (if possible) find a different consultant.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:23 AM on April 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
That her messages annoy you doesn't make them rude, it makes you annoyed.
Regardless of who is rude: at this point the two of you don't work well together. She is trying to do her job, which is to get substitutes in classes. You are trying to do your job, which is to work when you are available and willing. These goals only overlap rarely, it sounds like, if you are regularly refusing work and feel like she is lying to get you to take more work than you want. Though, in her slight defense (slight because it's the result of a bad system), most subs I know are taking every single job they can just to make ends meet; that is likely what she's used to encountering frankly.
This is probably just a bad fit and you should (if possible) find a different consultant.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:23 AM on April 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I can tell this person and maybe the entire process of booking substitute work spikes your anxiety, and I think it's making you defensive instead of concisely getting to the point, and perceiving hostility when someone's just trying to get necessary tasks done very quickly, which is probably why they're the agency that gets you the most work.
Before you make this person (who is getting you work!) an enemy by forcing a change, I would suggest you try stepping back and trying to use a Good Faith Filter with communications with them for a couple weeks? If they're terse it's because they have to move quickly rather than because they are bullying you. If they are asking you for a quick turnaround on feedback or reports, assume it is because they are under pressure to turn it around quickly themselves and you perhaps are a standout among late-responders. If she doesn't immediately recall that a specific school is primarily music programs or whatever and you do, congratulations on being less harried than her or smarter than her or whatever but stop assuming she's trying to get you somehow.
If you feel like communicating by text is exacerbating the problem, ask - in a CONCILIATORY way, not aggressively - to please limit communication by email in which you will prioritize replies within X reasonable amount of time between 7a-9p or whatever you think is feasible for you and also reasonable for the kind of emergency placement you may sometimes be dealing with.
When they ask you a question, answer it. If you're being asked to do something you can't because of subject or availability, say so in one sentence. When you find yourself writing an essay bout how you are tone deaf, strike that from your second draft and get all critical information in a single sentence: I was concerned because this school has a lot of music programs and they confirmed it was all-day music teaching, which I am unable to do. I can't accept this assignment.
I strongly suspect that she did know it was music cover as the school is in the same group of schools as the other one she asked me about a few weeks ago.
Look, I don't work in anything resembling this field but I DO work on 6-8 active projects at a time with 2-3 onboarding or offboarding at either end and the chances of me remembering ANYTHING from any of them from a few weeks ago, if it's not in my notes in front of me and I've had a chance to gear-switch to thinking about that project, is wicked slim. I'm lucky if I remember which project manager belongs to which project! But anyway: why would she be trying to "get you" like this? It would presumably be a shitshow for her if this requires a special teacher and you aren't it and that was her whole job to get that right.
I am an enormous overexplainer when I am anxious, and have done exactly the thing you described here, so I feel you but if you need this work you need to adjust your expectations about "tone" and crank the paranoia way down and try to facilitate a mindset shift to a collaborative one even if you have to grit your teeth a little bit to hold back your resentment. These can be really difficult relationships, they have an uncomfortable power distribution, and it is never going to feel easy-breezy. It CAN feel more like teamwork, but you will have to try fairly hard and swallow some kneejerk responses to get there.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:33 AM on April 24, 2023 [16 favorites]
Before you make this person (who is getting you work!) an enemy by forcing a change, I would suggest you try stepping back and trying to use a Good Faith Filter with communications with them for a couple weeks? If they're terse it's because they have to move quickly rather than because they are bullying you. If they are asking you for a quick turnaround on feedback or reports, assume it is because they are under pressure to turn it around quickly themselves and you perhaps are a standout among late-responders. If she doesn't immediately recall that a specific school is primarily music programs or whatever and you do, congratulations on being less harried than her or smarter than her or whatever but stop assuming she's trying to get you somehow.
If you feel like communicating by text is exacerbating the problem, ask - in a CONCILIATORY way, not aggressively - to please limit communication by email in which you will prioritize replies within X reasonable amount of time between 7a-9p or whatever you think is feasible for you and also reasonable for the kind of emergency placement you may sometimes be dealing with.
When they ask you a question, answer it. If you're being asked to do something you can't because of subject or availability, say so in one sentence. When you find yourself writing an essay bout how you are tone deaf, strike that from your second draft and get all critical information in a single sentence: I was concerned because this school has a lot of music programs and they confirmed it was all-day music teaching, which I am unable to do. I can't accept this assignment.
I strongly suspect that she did know it was music cover as the school is in the same group of schools as the other one she asked me about a few weeks ago.
Look, I don't work in anything resembling this field but I DO work on 6-8 active projects at a time with 2-3 onboarding or offboarding at either end and the chances of me remembering ANYTHING from any of them from a few weeks ago, if it's not in my notes in front of me and I've had a chance to gear-switch to thinking about that project, is wicked slim. I'm lucky if I remember which project manager belongs to which project! But anyway: why would she be trying to "get you" like this? It would presumably be a shitshow for her if this requires a special teacher and you aren't it and that was her whole job to get that right.
I am an enormous overexplainer when I am anxious, and have done exactly the thing you described here, so I feel you but if you need this work you need to adjust your expectations about "tone" and crank the paranoia way down and try to facilitate a mindset shift to a collaborative one even if you have to grit your teeth a little bit to hold back your resentment. These can be really difficult relationships, they have an uncomfortable power distribution, and it is never going to feel easy-breezy. It CAN feel more like teamwork, but you will have to try fairly hard and swallow some kneejerk responses to get there.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:33 AM on April 24, 2023 [16 favorites]
Best answer: The point about there being a better way to respond to this particular message have been well-covered, so I will focus on how to deal with her in future.
In general, with people like this, the most effective tactic is to ignore any tone or emotional content and parse out what the specific information and/or requests are. Then respond to those without extraneous detail on your part (e.g. she doesn't need to know what you're doing with your family, details of medical conditions that make you unable to take a certain assignment, etc.).
If you can do this, you will probably find it easier to deal with this particular person. Not everybody can ignore that kind of subtext, though, and if it is too hard on you, you and this person might just be a bad fit for each other. There's no shame in admitting that and finding a way to work with somebody else.
posted by rpfields at 7:36 AM on April 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
In general, with people like this, the most effective tactic is to ignore any tone or emotional content and parse out what the specific information and/or requests are. Then respond to those without extraneous detail on your part (e.g. she doesn't need to know what you're doing with your family, details of medical conditions that make you unable to take a certain assignment, etc.).
If you can do this, you will probably find it easier to deal with this particular person. Not everybody can ignore that kind of subtext, though, and if it is too hard on you, you and this person might just be a bad fit for each other. There's no shame in admitting that and finding a way to work with somebody else.
posted by rpfields at 7:36 AM on April 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I have a hard time ignoring tone, and (what I deem to be) others' shortcoming with communication causes no end of frustration. Across work, volunteering, family/friends: I'm prone to identifying tone and/or assuming tone that is partly or wholly irrelevant to the message.
Many excellent suggestions here, but for me the main one is: don't take it personally, take it as an opportunity to learn about yourself and improve what you do. We have no control over what others do, at the end of the day.
posted by elkevelvet at 9:28 AM on April 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
Many excellent suggestions here, but for me the main one is: don't take it personally, take it as an opportunity to learn about yourself and improve what you do. We have no control over what others do, at the end of the day.
posted by elkevelvet at 9:28 AM on April 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Okay, a few things: sometimes tone sounds pretty terrible in writing, and it sounds like you don't like the tone of her texts. And she offered up the solution in her first text: please call me. It sounds like you went into the exchange irritated (I'd love to see the email you sent!), presuming she had lied to you and knew it was a full day of music. That's quite a charge! If you truly think she is lying to you, that's a big problem. But go back and read what you told her in the email -- did you write the email as if she knew it was music? Because her texts read to me as someone who didn't know that, and she was trying to understand where the miscommunication happened. But your story is that she knew all along, so you never really answered her question.
You hate texting with her, and yet, when she asks to talk, you don't talk. I don't think she likes texting with you either. So call her.
I will also say that you come across as a bit haughty in your texts to her. She doesn't sound like a bully to me, so I wonder if you all somehow got off on the wrong foot. I'd be interested to see what other messages are rude and insulting to you, because I don't see insults there at all. But perhaps I'm missing the bigger picture.
But, I am going to bet that the text exchange and your subsequent irritation took a lot more time away from your family versus a phone call that would have resolved this much faster.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:12 AM on April 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
You hate texting with her, and yet, when she asks to talk, you don't talk. I don't think she likes texting with you either. So call her.
I will also say that you come across as a bit haughty in your texts to her. She doesn't sound like a bully to me, so I wonder if you all somehow got off on the wrong foot. I'd be interested to see what other messages are rude and insulting to you, because I don't see insults there at all. But perhaps I'm missing the bigger picture.
But, I am going to bet that the text exchange and your subsequent irritation took a lot more time away from your family versus a phone call that would have resolved this much faster.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:12 AM on April 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Whoa! I seem to have the total opposite take on this to everyone here!
I completely understand why you didn't answer the question she wanted you to answer - her texts are fucking unintelligible! She asks you multiple questions which are not "the" question at all but rather accusatory insinuations about you, she puts question marks on statements which aren't even questions, her "actual" questions are phrased as statements in defense of her lack of knowledge.
In hindsight and upon multiple re-reads, yes, it becomes clear what she was driving at. But in the moment? When you're trying to respond to rapid-fire texts on the spot while you're at a family event?? There are few humans with working brains who could have parsed what she wanted to know. You are not at fault in the least.
It's not like you were *trying* to keep information from her. You were trying to be helpful and informative, in fact, and you were desperate to find out why she was so confused. SHE chose to obfuscate her motives for the conversation. If she had asked you, "Hey, why do you think this is a music-related assignment?" you would have given her a straight answer which would have satisfied her. I suspect she suffers from cripplingly low self esteem which caused her to feel inadequate about knowing less about the job than you did, and that led her to beat around the bush and never ask you straight up the one question she needed your answer to.
C: Can u ring me? (that's Question #1 from her, and it's the most straightforward she gets in her entire communication.) I am really confused.
Me: I am out with my family at the moment. (answer to Q#1) What are you confused about? (< < < that's how a question is asked. Straight to the heart of the matter and direct.)
C: Your email? (fake not-really-a-question Question #2 - she puts a question mark but it's actually pretty shitty, sarcastic, and deliberately vague *answer* to the question *you* asked her.) The headteacher said to me the years and that work is set and to follow it, where has this big essay about music come from? (rhetorical-sounding rude-ass Question #3, which you didn't even parse as a real question because why the fuck would you! It sounds like she's just randomly insulting your choice to write a long email. Nobody could have guessed at this point that this is the heart of her confusion.) Also, I thought as a primary teacher that you all had to teach a variety of subjects as part of the curriculum? (rude-ass passive-aggressive but at least a non-rhetorical actual Question #4)
Me: I thought my email was quite clear. I don’t teach singing and music and never have done. (answer to Q#4)
C: No what I asked was how do u know its music as I would have told you if I knew. (Note the nonsensical ending clause and lack of question mark. This defensive statement which ended in a period led you to think that this was not secretly Question #5, but it secretly was! Psych!) My friend is a primary teacher and he has to teach all subjects is that not what u all have to do when teaching? (Rude and assholish but at least an actual, parse-able real Question #6, if you're being generous - which you were. I personally would have considered this question rhetorical and not bothered to answer *this* either.) That’s why I was confused. (< < < < < OMG she literally told you Question #6 is the only question she was confused about!!)
Me: I’ve already explained why I don’t teach music. (answer to her Question #6, because she just told you this is the sole reason she was confused!)
C: I’m still confused. I’m asking you a question and you aren’t answering it. Why do u think it’s music all I was told was work is set. (Once again her "actual" Question #7 is completely not parseable as a question because she doesn't use a question mark and she buries it under a nonsensical, defensive statement which probably led you to assume this wasn't a question. Any reasonable person would have done the same.) Never mind, I will ask the head myself what it’s covering subject-wise.
tl;dr: This lady is bullshit, she's a terrible communicator, she's passive aggressive and rude as fuck, and I strongly suggest you email her to let her know that from now on she should communicate with you only by email.
posted by MiraK at 1:12 PM on April 24, 2023 [15 favorites]
I completely understand why you didn't answer the question she wanted you to answer - her texts are fucking unintelligible! She asks you multiple questions which are not "the" question at all but rather accusatory insinuations about you, she puts question marks on statements which aren't even questions, her "actual" questions are phrased as statements in defense of her lack of knowledge.
In hindsight and upon multiple re-reads, yes, it becomes clear what she was driving at. But in the moment? When you're trying to respond to rapid-fire texts on the spot while you're at a family event?? There are few humans with working brains who could have parsed what she wanted to know. You are not at fault in the least.
It's not like you were *trying* to keep information from her. You were trying to be helpful and informative, in fact, and you were desperate to find out why she was so confused. SHE chose to obfuscate her motives for the conversation. If she had asked you, "Hey, why do you think this is a music-related assignment?" you would have given her a straight answer which would have satisfied her. I suspect she suffers from cripplingly low self esteem which caused her to feel inadequate about knowing less about the job than you did, and that led her to beat around the bush and never ask you straight up the one question she needed your answer to.
C: Can u ring me? (that's Question #1 from her, and it's the most straightforward she gets in her entire communication.) I am really confused.
Me: I am out with my family at the moment. (answer to Q#1) What are you confused about? (< < < that's how a question is asked. Straight to the heart of the matter and direct.)
C: Your email? (fake not-really-a-question Question #2 - she puts a question mark but it's actually pretty shitty, sarcastic, and deliberately vague *answer* to the question *you* asked her.) The headteacher said to me the years and that work is set and to follow it, where has this big essay about music come from? (rhetorical-sounding rude-ass Question #3, which you didn't even parse as a real question because why the fuck would you! It sounds like she's just randomly insulting your choice to write a long email. Nobody could have guessed at this point that this is the heart of her confusion.) Also, I thought as a primary teacher that you all had to teach a variety of subjects as part of the curriculum? (rude-ass passive-aggressive but at least a non-rhetorical actual Question #4)
Me: I thought my email was quite clear. I don’t teach singing and music and never have done. (answer to Q#4)
C: No what I asked was how do u know its music as I would have told you if I knew. (Note the nonsensical ending clause and lack of question mark. This defensive statement which ended in a period led you to think that this was not secretly Question #5, but it secretly was! Psych!) My friend is a primary teacher and he has to teach all subjects is that not what u all have to do when teaching? (Rude and assholish but at least an actual, parse-able real Question #6, if you're being generous - which you were. I personally would have considered this question rhetorical and not bothered to answer *this* either.) That’s why I was confused. (< < < < < OMG she literally told you Question #6 is the only question she was confused about!!)
Me: I’ve already explained why I don’t teach music. (answer to her Question #6, because she just told you this is the sole reason she was confused!)
C: I’m still confused. I’m asking you a question and you aren’t answering it. Why do u think it’s music all I was told was work is set. (Once again her "actual" Question #7 is completely not parseable as a question because she doesn't use a question mark and she buries it under a nonsensical, defensive statement which probably led you to assume this wasn't a question. Any reasonable person would have done the same.) Never mind, I will ask the head myself what it’s covering subject-wise.
tl;dr: This lady is bullshit, she's a terrible communicator, she's passive aggressive and rude as fuck, and I strongly suggest you email her to let her know that from now on she should communicate with you only by email.
posted by MiraK at 1:12 PM on April 24, 2023 [15 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks so much for all of these responses. There is so much to digest. I will definitely learn from all of this and use it in the future.
I knew she would be annoyed that I had contacted the school directly. It’s not forbidden to do this but this agent doesn’t like you to do that. She would have had a go at me for going behind her back and liaising with the school directly. But I also couldn’t see that part of the question. All I could see was her commenting that we all have to/should be teaching music and I saw that as not accepting my reason for refusing. I’ll be honest with you, I was with family members and being more bold in my replies to her than I normally am.
I strongly suspect she knew it was music because the email I received from the school contained the original email sent by the music specialist which contained details of planned absences, two of which were at the school where I was previously asked to do the music cover. Her text then was: You don’t fancy teaching music all day do you on....? The dates were well in advance and I never get bookings so far in advance. She knows that teaching music all day is a specialist gig and not normal cover work and I believe she was finding it really difficult to find someone to cover it. So instead of being upfront again, she didn’t give me the full picture and if I hadn’t contacted the school, which I never do but I felt that it was possibly teaching music but also hoping that it wasn’t, I would never have known that it was to teach music until I turned up on the day. Turning up and not knowing what I have to teach is never a problem normally but with music it’s different. We also don’t get paid to plan. Her offers of work normally start with Can you work at ….?
I can’t handle her phone calls. She is so insulting, rude and pushy that I am seething.
posted by charlen at 10:20 PM on April 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
I knew she would be annoyed that I had contacted the school directly. It’s not forbidden to do this but this agent doesn’t like you to do that. She would have had a go at me for going behind her back and liaising with the school directly. But I also couldn’t see that part of the question. All I could see was her commenting that we all have to/should be teaching music and I saw that as not accepting my reason for refusing. I’ll be honest with you, I was with family members and being more bold in my replies to her than I normally am.
I strongly suspect she knew it was music because the email I received from the school contained the original email sent by the music specialist which contained details of planned absences, two of which were at the school where I was previously asked to do the music cover. Her text then was: You don’t fancy teaching music all day do you on....? The dates were well in advance and I never get bookings so far in advance. She knows that teaching music all day is a specialist gig and not normal cover work and I believe she was finding it really difficult to find someone to cover it. So instead of being upfront again, she didn’t give me the full picture and if I hadn’t contacted the school, which I never do but I felt that it was possibly teaching music but also hoping that it wasn’t, I would never have known that it was to teach music until I turned up on the day. Turning up and not knowing what I have to teach is never a problem normally but with music it’s different. We also don’t get paid to plan. Her offers of work normally start with Can you work at ….?
I can’t handle her phone calls. She is so insulting, rude and pushy that I am seething.
posted by charlen at 10:20 PM on April 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
I'm following this thread because I need to learn how to deal with this sort of thing better. I hope you arrive at an outcome that puts you ahead and lets you grow, the worst is to find yourself a month, a year later and these things still get under your skin.
All I know is that the longer someone else's behaviour or actions get under my skin, the worse it is for me. Good luck.
posted by elkevelvet at 7:10 AM on April 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
All I know is that the longer someone else's behaviour or actions get under my skin, the worse it is for me. Good luck.
posted by elkevelvet at 7:10 AM on April 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by panic at 12:20 AM on April 24, 2023 [5 favorites]