Kid-friendly teachings on friendliness

March 9, 2023 3:00 AM

How can I teach/model friendliness to a five year old kid? I want to do this while also helping kid maintain their boundaries and healthy self-esteem.

My kid is getting the message that they need to “make more friends.” (From school? Media?) They have always been very independent and enjoyed playing on their own. They frequently turn down invitations to play (formal and informal). I really don’t want to focus on “making friends” which feels a bit out of our control and unrealistic (because to five year old it seems to mean “on demand play.”) I would like to grow kid’s ability to be friendly. At the same time, I do not want to make kid feel like they have to “always put other people first” or “smile all the time” which are real examples from googling this question. What does “being friendly” mean to you? How would you help grow friendliness in a kid?

posted by CMcG to Human Relations (11 answers total)

Do you know why they turn down invitations? Is it due to shyness, nervousness, or other worries, or are they just plain not interested? I remember as a kid being very uneasy about new situations- like going to a house for the first time when I was invited to play. But if I went (per my mother's decision/encouragement) I would have a good time. Being open to new experiences and being willing to step out of their comfort zone might be something you can focus on, rather than 'making friends'?
posted by emd3737 at 4:43 AM on March 9, 2023 [2 favorites]

Being in school allows for forced togetherness and as a five-year-old they're still learning to socialize and be in groups. If I were to help cultivate friendliness in my kids I might:

1. Model friendliness by acknowledging others, employing politeness, and engaging in all of the social niceties that go along with being with people and hanging out with friends.

2. Gently encourage kid to accept an invitation, accept and give invitations if you aren't already, and let them see your willingness to socialize.

3. Talk to them more about their family, your friends, their friends or classmates in order to increase awareness of others -- Suzie got a new cat, Grandma is in Hawaii and sent us these pictures, etc.
posted by loveandhappiness at 5:08 AM on March 9, 2023

Best answer: Do you have friends? My parents didn't. It messed me up for a while in re establishing healthy platonic relationships as an adult. I realized that I had literally never seen my parents model friendships when I was growing up and that it was something I was going to have to figure out myself. Much harder to do in your late 20s than when you're your kid's age!

So, it's your job (and your child's other parent/close family) to show your kid what friendship looks like. They need to see you: having friends, doing things with friends, keeping in touch with friends, having disagreements and successfully resolving disagreements with friends.

You should invite your friends over just to spend some nice time and let your kid ask you both questions about how you met, how long you've been friends, what you like about each other or dislike about each other but stay friends anyway.

Ask your kid for help shopping for a gift/birthday card/etc for your friends in a way that shows you are excited to share their special days vs fulfilling a social burden. Etc.

If you don't have any friends, why? Talk about that with your kid. Ask your kid for advice on how you can make more friends for yourself to sus out the feelings and coping strategies they have. Make a plan for making more friends with your child and put it into action together. (This can be as simple as "We will go to the park and say one nice thing to someone we don't know!" And then tell someone that they have a nice dog or you like their coat. Easy stuff.)

I really can't stress to you how worthwhile seeing my parents do even one of these things would have been for me as a kid. The only adults I ever saw my parents interact with were coworkers (sometimes friendly but not friends), family members (complicated! resentment!), and service workers or my own friends parents that they'd be fake nice to. I got to adulthood and had no idea how to be a person. It sucked.
posted by phunniemee at 5:11 AM on March 9, 2023 [14 favorites]

What phunniemee wrote is the most important part, I think. You have to be a friend yourself - and enjoy being a friend - so your children can see what that looks like. When you see adults doing things with friends out and about, "oh that looks like fun, I should call so-and-so and have a picnic/go running/go to the market" etc.

But I came in with a much more mundane suggestion. I feel like a lot of little-kids shows model friendship quite well, but some kids don't 'get it' because the animation makes it seem "other." I suggest a daily dose of old-school Mr Rogers' Neighborhood. Help them notice how lots of real people come to the door, they greet each other and hang out, or he visits them in their workplaces and is interested in what they do. Don't make a big deal about it, but point it out when it happens. "Oh, Officer Clemons! He's visiting? They must be good friends....." "I bet if Speedy Delivery got a flat tire they'd call Mr Rogers - I know I would!" etc.

Bonus: Fred Rogers' more internet-famous direct addresses to the camera about friends and neighbors and selfhood are just so wonderful and made a difference for a lot of kids of my (mumbledymumble) generation.

Another show that's stop-motion and underrated IMHO is Tumble Leaf on Amazon Prime. Especially Season 1. While not hard-hitting on friendship it has some lovely friendship moments but is also about creativity, problem-solving, and play.
posted by nkknkk at 5:45 AM on March 9, 2023 [1 favorite]

Best answer: One (or maybe 2) more things, since mine is an only child so this was a big concern for me and I thought about it a lot.

I had an active mom's group at that age (so adults interacting with other adults in front of kids) but if that's not your situation, try to do some things with friends with the kid around, not just as a (blessed, heavenly) child-free break. Have an adult come over for pizza to watch a sportsball on TV, or ask an adult friend to go to the zoo/mall/coffee shop with you and kiddo, have someone stop by for a visit, etc. that is about witnessing adult-adult interaction.

And if that is difficult for Reasons, this one is easier: My partner and I explicitly raved ABOUT our friends in earshot of the kiddo. What they're up to, why we value them ("You know, I like XX so much, they always Y"), what funny thing they said, just as regular conversation.
posted by nkknkk at 6:06 AM on March 9, 2023 [2 favorites]

I agree that building a social community for your family is one of the best ways. With my kids I've always kind of swallowed my discomfort and reached out to moms in whatever groups we were in (baby group, Montessori, public school, sports) to do a few outside-of-the-thing activities. Lower stakes ones like meet at a park or the zoo, and then maybe over to our backyard for snacks and running through the sprinkler. Once we all knew each other it was more along the lines of "throw the kids in the basement with some toys for an hour, provide snack."

This gave my kids a chance to see us adults interact and also gave them different groups of kids to interact with on a very casual basis - a bit bigger than the one-on-one playdate. I didn't give my kids too many options about it. I scheduled those activities about once a month, so not a huge burden -- more in the summer -- and just like a family event it was "hey on Sunday we're doing this," not "what would you like do and who would you like to invite."

At 5, that was definitely sufficient. (We were lucky that my moms group lasted so long now two of the kids are seeing each other and planning to move in together (!!) after high school (!! might be an unintended consequence.))

Then as the kids got a bit older, like grade 3 onwards, pre-Covid, I would encourage them to invite a friend or two over for a mildly-scheduled activity like "we have a lot of Model Magic that should get used up" or a movie dropping on Disney+. Covid interrupted that but we're getting back to it.

Right now my 12 year old is at the age where he and his friends walk home together, and on weekends they meet up for basketball at the school in good weather and in bad weather they walk to the convenience store to get a snack and then come back and play Rocket League. My 17 year old invites groups of friends over for a bit of a special effects film club. So I think it worked.

None of this involves telling them to be friendly exactly. It was more creating regular, non-optional opportunities for them to figure it out.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:24 AM on March 9, 2023 [4 favorites]

I agree that at this age, parents make a lot of the kids' friends. Our son was an introverted only child who always seemed happier playing by himself. But we had friends, and our friends had kids of various ages, and we just celebrated all the holidays together. When he began to make friends in school, we added their parents to the various holiday celebrations. Because we were Jewish and our friends mostly weren't, they tended to be free for our holidays, or we switched up dates. (Christmas can be an open house anytime in December; Thanksgiving readily moves to Friday or Saturday, and we celebrated every Rosh Hashana and Passover with big tables full of guests.) For our son, who is now grown, memories of those holiday meals are a big part of how he understands friendship, and his memories of a big gang of kids playing outside while the parents drank coffee at the table after the meal are treasured ones.
posted by shadygrove at 7:46 AM on March 9, 2023

Best answer: This may be a tangent, but most of my "loneliness" as a kid was not because I was sad to be alone, but because I knew that having friends on tap 24/7 was a cultural norm. I figured that since I wasn't meeting it, thee must be something fundamental wrong and unlikable about me. So remember not to push too hard.
posted by metasarah at 8:01 AM on March 9, 2023

Best answer: What does your kid think that being friends or playing together means? My kid is very much a happily playing by yourself kind of kid, but we've had some success lately by giving her more opportunities for positive play times with other kids. The idea we've been working from is to give her more positive social interactions so she can redefine what playing or being friends means. So, general "let's play" doesn't spark any interest -- it's ill-defined and she says no or turns away. But why don't we put on some music and dance together worked well. She loves music and loves to dance and willingly interacted with the other kid. Similarly successful: coloring/drawing together, building a house (lego or magnetiles) together, put together a puzzle. We also had a friendly playground grownups plus kids kick the ball to each other. I'm hoping to also try out making muffins or cookies together, but that's an activity for another play date. A fair amount of adult guidance was necessary because she's a toddler. Setting up the activity or game and then fading into the background might work better for an older kid. We're also exploring maybe signing her up for some kind of class where she'll have ongoing social contact in a setting with something she'd enjoy, like dance or rock climbing or circus.

And seconding the not pushing too hard. I want my kid to gain the skills to interact with other kids when she wants to so I'm trying to keep my efforts gentle and low key and give her lots of other time to play how she likes and chose what she wants to do.
posted by carrioncomfort at 9:49 AM on March 9, 2023 [1 favorite]

Do they have an occasional playdate? I have a 5 year old who is super friendly according to teachers, but at this age most playdates are still initiated by the parents. I would find out if there are kids they like at all chat up other parents at pick up or drop off and set up a low stress, low stakes playdate like meeting at a local playground.

I also point out common interests, like "it looks like Pat loves donuts. You love donuts too!" And I've seen my kid do that too now.
posted by beyond_pink at 4:47 AM on March 10, 2023

A simple illustrated book that I think conveys an important message about tolerance and friendship in a fun and funny way:

www.amazon.com/Enemy-Pie-Reading-Rainbow-book/dp/081182778X
posted by Dansaman at 8:01 AM on March 11, 2023