How do I talk (or not talk) about my newly inherited business?
February 25, 2023 11:27 PM Subscribe
I’ve been happily living poor from a part time job for decades, but with an inherited farm business I now make a living wage. How can I signal this to others without getting too specific about what I do?
I’ve inherited a farm from my uncle that’s a couple states away. It does require occasional onsite and offsite management so it’s not completely passive income. Would like to keep this business on the down low, just as my uncle did. Saw too many people start treating him weird once they found out because they mistakenly thought he was super rich. There’s also lots of contentious rural/urban divide attitudes I’d like to avoid since I work in a city and most people see me as a city person.
Given my existing part time job, my total income will now be about 50K a year; a huge step up for me. I don’t plan to flaunt my money, but my coworkers will continue to find out about my circumstances in unavoidable ways, as I now can afford basic necessities that I used to go without.
If I had a full time job or a spouse like some coworkers, I don’t think my circumstances would get much notice or comment. How to make a living is an ever-present subtext at this job, and my fellow part timers are always looking for leads on second jobs. I do mostly like my coworkers, so I’d rather not completely shut all of them out.
Not sure how to vaguely explain my new circumstances to people; mostly coworkers, but friends as well. I’m wondering how I can be somewhat honest and satisfy people without them digging into details or leaving them wondering how much I’m worth. Any stories or examples of how to deal with this would be great.
I’ve inherited a farm from my uncle that’s a couple states away. It does require occasional onsite and offsite management so it’s not completely passive income. Would like to keep this business on the down low, just as my uncle did. Saw too many people start treating him weird once they found out because they mistakenly thought he was super rich. There’s also lots of contentious rural/urban divide attitudes I’d like to avoid since I work in a city and most people see me as a city person.
Given my existing part time job, my total income will now be about 50K a year; a huge step up for me. I don’t plan to flaunt my money, but my coworkers will continue to find out about my circumstances in unavoidable ways, as I now can afford basic necessities that I used to go without.
If I had a full time job or a spouse like some coworkers, I don’t think my circumstances would get much notice or comment. How to make a living is an ever-present subtext at this job, and my fellow part timers are always looking for leads on second jobs. I do mostly like my coworkers, so I’d rather not completely shut all of them out.
Not sure how to vaguely explain my new circumstances to people; mostly coworkers, but friends as well. I’m wondering how I can be somewhat honest and satisfy people without them digging into details or leaving them wondering how much I’m worth. Any stories or examples of how to deal with this would be great.
It sounds to me as though you could simply describe that you now also have a second job with a family business a couple of states away, that you're largely doing remote admin / logistics (or whatever city term you prefer) for it, helping out with a family business since your uncle passed, 'x' number of hours a week. And because it is a family business you're helping out with only at this stage, you don't have leads for additional work there for your colleagues as yet, especially being a couple of states away.
No need to mention the inherited part, or even the farm aspect.
And as you say, many if your colleagues have and seek second jobs too, so this is just your version of that.
You'll still be working for your increase in income. And it's not like you're into a six figure salary, buying a fancy car, etc. As you say, not flaunting it.
So congrats on your chance to now be in a living wage!
posted by many-things at 12:05 AM on February 26, 2023 [28 favorites]
No need to mention the inherited part, or even the farm aspect.
And as you say, many if your colleagues have and seek second jobs too, so this is just your version of that.
You'll still be working for your increase in income. And it's not like you're into a six figure salary, buying a fancy car, etc. As you say, not flaunting it.
So congrats on your chance to now be in a living wage!
posted by many-things at 12:05 AM on February 26, 2023 [28 favorites]
I think it's really important to think about what your values around work and money are, and how you want to relate to people now your position has changed, and what to say will follow on from that.
I guess my values and perspective is this, although yours might be different.
For me the norm of not talking about inherited wealth makes life more difficult for people without access to it. It makes it really difficult to know what's actually possible in life, what kinds of jobs and ways of living are really possible if lots of people are quietly being supported by money they've inherited. It sounds like you're now basically earning money off the work of other people from inherited wealth which doesn't make you a bad person or anything and lots of people are in that position but it's worth really thinking about what you think about that and how you want it to inform your life. You don't have to say anything, you can be vague, you can pretend you've just got a job at a family business rather than owning it, there's a norm not to talk about money so it's perfectly possible to do that. People might sense something is kind of off, and they might distance themselves from you because of that, because they sense they can't fully trust you and honestly they're kind of right? Perhaps you decide some or all your relationships don't really warrant that level of honesty and that's fine too.
One option which is maybe less the norm but might be beneficial overall to how you relate to people is just to be honest and specific. Tell people you've inherited a business and now make an extra however much a year, which gives you more breathing room and involves however many hours of work. You don't need to get into the specifics that it's a farm because that's sort of not really relevant, just that it's kind of boring admin and management type work for a business that you own that you inherited but aren't invested in on an emotional level. It's not really socially acceptable to talk about money but so what.
And then think about how you want to act as a consequence? Do you have a bit more space and freedom to be generous to people around you? To live a joyful life and take care of other people a bit, to look out for people who are struggling? Perhaps donate or invest in your community a bit? I feel like acting like that could improve your relationships to friends and coworkers, be known as kind, generous and open, as well as your life being improved by you having more money. Rather than being a cagey unhappy 'rich' person who isn't even particularly rich?
posted by mosswinter at 2:25 AM on February 26, 2023 [12 favorites]
I guess my values and perspective is this, although yours might be different.
For me the norm of not talking about inherited wealth makes life more difficult for people without access to it. It makes it really difficult to know what's actually possible in life, what kinds of jobs and ways of living are really possible if lots of people are quietly being supported by money they've inherited. It sounds like you're now basically earning money off the work of other people from inherited wealth which doesn't make you a bad person or anything and lots of people are in that position but it's worth really thinking about what you think about that and how you want it to inform your life. You don't have to say anything, you can be vague, you can pretend you've just got a job at a family business rather than owning it, there's a norm not to talk about money so it's perfectly possible to do that. People might sense something is kind of off, and they might distance themselves from you because of that, because they sense they can't fully trust you and honestly they're kind of right? Perhaps you decide some or all your relationships don't really warrant that level of honesty and that's fine too.
One option which is maybe less the norm but might be beneficial overall to how you relate to people is just to be honest and specific. Tell people you've inherited a business and now make an extra however much a year, which gives you more breathing room and involves however many hours of work. You don't need to get into the specifics that it's a farm because that's sort of not really relevant, just that it's kind of boring admin and management type work for a business that you own that you inherited but aren't invested in on an emotional level. It's not really socially acceptable to talk about money but so what.
And then think about how you want to act as a consequence? Do you have a bit more space and freedom to be generous to people around you? To live a joyful life and take care of other people a bit, to look out for people who are struggling? Perhaps donate or invest in your community a bit? I feel like acting like that could improve your relationships to friends and coworkers, be known as kind, generous and open, as well as your life being improved by you having more money. Rather than being a cagey unhappy 'rich' person who isn't even particularly rich?
posted by mosswinter at 2:25 AM on February 26, 2023 [12 favorites]
So congrats on your chance to now be in a living wage!
This. You describe yourself as going without basic necessities, and that’s a good thing to focus on when talking with people. Some people are polite in these situations, some are quite rude, or feel that the money is not truly “yours,” and thus fair game for… whatever. None of them are you, or have to figure out your future as a previously working poor person. It may be helpful to identify some goals to share with coworkers if you talk about this with them. Things like “I would like to have teeth when I am 50.” I have found this helpful in talking with coworkers, who have a wide range of personal resources, backgrounds, goals, etc.
posted by cupcakeninja at 4:46 AM on February 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
This. You describe yourself as going without basic necessities, and that’s a good thing to focus on when talking with people. Some people are polite in these situations, some are quite rude, or feel that the money is not truly “yours,” and thus fair game for… whatever. None of them are you, or have to figure out your future as a previously working poor person. It may be helpful to identify some goals to share with coworkers if you talk about this with them. Things like “I would like to have teeth when I am 50.” I have found this helpful in talking with coworkers, who have a wide range of personal resources, backgrounds, goals, etc.
posted by cupcakeninja at 4:46 AM on February 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
Be careful that you don't give the impression at work that you could afford to be fired and live off your farm income - otherwise you might be the first person to be made redundant "because he doesn't really need the wages!"
Seriously, this happens.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 4:54 AM on February 26, 2023 [18 favorites]
Seriously, this happens.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 4:54 AM on February 26, 2023 [18 favorites]
My initial reaction was to ask why you’d feel obliged to respond to intrusive questions. But as you say you all share leads for additional part time work etc you may be required to respond to questions. You don’t want to be perceived as potential employer. You are an employer but not locally. So I’d limit myself to small inheritance that’s allowed you to take care of (a few things) you’ve had to put off for too long.
posted by koahiatamadl at 5:34 AM on February 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 5:34 AM on February 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
If you haven't already, this is a question worth exploring at personal finance-centered forums like Bogleheads or r/personalfinance. You can get a range of responses on Ask, but it never hurts to expand your net.
posted by cupcakeninja at 5:55 AM on February 26, 2023
posted by cupcakeninja at 5:55 AM on February 26, 2023
I think that if asked and if you feel you need to give a response (since in most situations people won't ask, and in a lot of settings asking would be rude enough that ducking the question completely would also be fine), you could say something vague along the lines of "I've taken over some part-time remote admin work at a family business, to fill in after my uncle passed away."
Outside of very close friendships, where you already know the details of each other's finances and family connections, I wouldn't personally talk about inheritances and so on, since it can bring up all kinds of sensitive feelings and assumptions. (I agree with mosswinter that the norm of not talking about inherited wealth is overall a negative thing, but breaking that norm individually can have negative consequences for you personally, so I'd suggest being slow and deliberate about it if you are leaning towards that option.)
Especially because with agriculture, very often so much of the value is in the land (i.e., frequently a farm/ranch produces a little bit of income, but has a large land value), if you talk about having inherited it people may focus on that value rather than the story you are trying to tell about now having a modest income from managing the enterprise.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:53 AM on February 26, 2023 [6 favorites]
Outside of very close friendships, where you already know the details of each other's finances and family connections, I wouldn't personally talk about inheritances and so on, since it can bring up all kinds of sensitive feelings and assumptions. (I agree with mosswinter that the norm of not talking about inherited wealth is overall a negative thing, but breaking that norm individually can have negative consequences for you personally, so I'd suggest being slow and deliberate about it if you are leaning towards that option.)
Especially because with agriculture, very often so much of the value is in the land (i.e., frequently a farm/ranch produces a little bit of income, but has a large land value), if you talk about having inherited it people may focus on that value rather than the story you are trying to tell about now having a modest income from managing the enterprise.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:53 AM on February 26, 2023 [6 favorites]
First, I do think you're over-thinking this. I recently myself went from making 25k a year to 55k, and while it has changed my day to day life somewhat, it's mainly allowed me to start saving more for retirement. Which is to say, the changes are mostly things that co-workers don't see. And I sorta doubt any co-worker is going to be suspicious of you obtaining a "basic necessity" and use that as a jumping-off point to interrogate you. "How can you afford to buy eggs/go to the doctor/a subway pass/wifi?" is not a question that anyone with an ounce of politeness is going to ask you.
I think it's fine if you lie and you've already gotten some good scripts for that, but if you want to be honest (because there is nothing shameful here), you can just say "After my uncle died, he left me this farm, which while not very profitable, does bring in enough that, along with my current part-time salary, I finally can earn a living wage - and thankfully I can mostly do the management remotely. I am very grateful for this, it's been great to be able to start saving for retirement." If people tease you or imply you're rich, just say "Hah, I wish, but it's nice being middle class."
posted by coffeecat at 7:19 AM on February 26, 2023 [4 favorites]
I think it's fine if you lie and you've already gotten some good scripts for that, but if you want to be honest (because there is nothing shameful here), you can just say "After my uncle died, he left me this farm, which while not very profitable, does bring in enough that, along with my current part-time salary, I finally can earn a living wage - and thankfully I can mostly do the management remotely. I am very grateful for this, it's been great to be able to start saving for retirement." If people tease you or imply you're rich, just say "Hah, I wish, but it's nice being middle class."
posted by coffeecat at 7:19 AM on February 26, 2023 [4 favorites]
Agreeing with the others that I don't think you need to explain this. Or even call attention to it; your friends may not even notice because a jump from 20K to 50K may not have THAT much of an impact on your habits, and anything that does change can be just hand-waved away with "I'm doing a little better these days" and that's it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:37 AM on February 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:37 AM on February 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
"I took on a part time job that my uncle used to do before he passed" is both true and enough information to share with a friend.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:29 AM on February 26, 2023 [13 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:29 AM on February 26, 2023 [13 favorites]
I have been in your position. You are not overthinking this at all. I think many-things has the right answer.
Many of the answers above are based on what "ought to be" rather than what is. The people you work with will almost certainly notice, and many of them will ask questions--sure it's rude, but that rarely stops anyone, in my experience. And you will need an answer, whether it is "owed" or not, if you want to maintain decent relations with your co-workers. Even the words 'inherit' and 'inheritance' can stir up bad feelings for people who are struggling and have no such prospect in their lives. You shouldn't have to live with others resentment when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.
posted by uans at 1:19 PM on February 26, 2023 [7 favorites]
Many of the answers above are based on what "ought to be" rather than what is. The people you work with will almost certainly notice, and many of them will ask questions--sure it's rude, but that rarely stops anyone, in my experience. And you will need an answer, whether it is "owed" or not, if you want to maintain decent relations with your co-workers. Even the words 'inherit' and 'inheritance' can stir up bad feelings for people who are struggling and have no such prospect in their lives. You shouldn't have to live with others resentment when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.
posted by uans at 1:19 PM on February 26, 2023 [7 favorites]
I've always been of the opinion that my business is my business, so to speak. I don't think there's anyone besides my spouse and the IRS that I feel I owe a full accounting of my capital assets.
There's probably a way you can talk about your new circumstances without divulging too much -- i.e. your ownership of the farm and your precise income. But there might be subtle behaviors that change your relationship with your co-workers, because you are undergoing a "life event" as if you got married or had a baby or -- got a second job on a farm. It's natural, and you'll have to deal. Long-term, you probably want to hang onto relationships with the people that accept your new circumstance.
There's enough paperwork and administrivia in running even the most meager online business, much less a farm -- I hope you have good mentors guiding you. If not, find some professionals to help you. Good luck!
posted by credulous at 5:55 PM on February 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
There's probably a way you can talk about your new circumstances without divulging too much -- i.e. your ownership of the farm and your precise income. But there might be subtle behaviors that change your relationship with your co-workers, because you are undergoing a "life event" as if you got married or had a baby or -- got a second job on a farm. It's natural, and you'll have to deal. Long-term, you probably want to hang onto relationships with the people that accept your new circumstance.
There's enough paperwork and administrivia in running even the most meager online business, much less a farm -- I hope you have good mentors guiding you. If not, find some professionals to help you. Good luck!
posted by credulous at 5:55 PM on February 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
a jump from 20K to 50K may not have THAT much of an impact on your habits
Disagree. The difference between 20k and 55k is to go from not being able to save much (if any) money month-to-month to finally being able to save for emergencies + start/bolster retirement savings AND even have disposable funds. This is absolutely a big step up, and close friends or people who see you on daily basis (e.g. coworkers) will notice, especially those with whom you have been open about your life and situation.
I second the phrasing suggested by potrzebie and many-things.
Also, I encourage you to not feel guilty or embarrassed about your new situation. Having improved finances through luck or fortune can have the odd side effect of making one feel vaguely ashamed without reason. Keep working for your money, remain good to your friends, and save money as you have not been able to before.
Congrats on your good fortune, and stay well!
posted by Taro at 6:19 PM on February 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
Disagree. The difference between 20k and 55k is to go from not being able to save much (if any) money month-to-month to finally being able to save for emergencies + start/bolster retirement savings AND even have disposable funds. This is absolutely a big step up, and close friends or people who see you on daily basis (e.g. coworkers) will notice, especially those with whom you have been open about your life and situation.
I second the phrasing suggested by potrzebie and many-things.
Also, I encourage you to not feel guilty or embarrassed about your new situation. Having improved finances through luck or fortune can have the odd side effect of making one feel vaguely ashamed without reason. Keep working for your money, remain good to your friends, and save money as you have not been able to before.
Congrats on your good fortune, and stay well!
posted by Taro at 6:19 PM on February 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
The difference between 20k and 55k is to go from not being able to save much (if any) money month-to-month to finally being able to save for emergencies + start/bolster retirement savings AND even have disposable funds. This is absolutely a big step up, and close friends or people who see you on daily basis (e.g. coworkers) will notice, especially those with whom you have been open about your life and situation.
To clarify my statement: it's not like it's going to be enough for the OP to go from "scraping change out of your sofa cushions for bus fare" to "driving my new Lambourghini to work", or anything of that scale. Yes, agree that you could be able to save for emergencies and that's HUGE, but that's also a change that only the OP would really see.
So: OP, I get the sense that you're mostly asking about how to explain a change to other people; I am questioning the premise that this is a change that would be big enough for other people to notice. Your life will be affected, but it may not be affected to a degree that other people would notice as much unless they're in the habit of checking your bank statements or poking their nose in your lunch box or what have you.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:09 PM on February 26, 2023
To clarify my statement: it's not like it's going to be enough for the OP to go from "scraping change out of your sofa cushions for bus fare" to "driving my new Lambourghini to work", or anything of that scale. Yes, agree that you could be able to save for emergencies and that's HUGE, but that's also a change that only the OP would really see.
So: OP, I get the sense that you're mostly asking about how to explain a change to other people; I am questioning the premise that this is a change that would be big enough for other people to notice. Your life will be affected, but it may not be affected to a degree that other people would notice as much unless they're in the habit of checking your bank statements or poking their nose in your lunch box or what have you.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:09 PM on February 26, 2023
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When you have to go to the farm or do other management tasks: "I had to go deal with some stuff for a family business I help out with. Yeah, my uncle used to do this before he passed but now it's on me."
I think you are overthinking this. Honestly, it would be pretty rude to ask. But if people do, I really think this is all you have to say and people aren't going to pry if you act like you don't want to talk about it because it reminds you of a death in the family. Yeah maybe someone is going to think you're super rich and keeping it quiet. So what? Who cares if you have a foot in a rural economy? You don't have a lead on a second job for them. "Inheritance windfall of unspecified size" is not something anyone is going to be able to try and reproduce.
posted by potrzebie at 12:02 AM on February 26, 2023 [65 favorites]