help with the birthday blues
February 23, 2023 11:20 PM Subscribe
Feeling very depressed about aging (turning another year closer to 40 this weekend) and seeking perspective.
I'm an "elder millennial" (38) and I desperately need to know some POSITIVE aspects of getting older and reaching midlife. Anything works as long as it doesn't have to do with a) becoming more financially/professionally secure (and the various things this would allow, like more travel, leisure time, or prestige) or B) raising kids/watching kids grow up. Neither of these are in the cards for me personally. They are typically what people say is "worth it" about aging, or what to look forward to in midlife and beyond.
Right now all I can think about is that getting older means watching the people I love die, as well as physically deteriorating myself. These two things are certain to happen, and nothing else is, really.
Is there anything GOOD that is also (for sure) going to happen, say over the next 10+ years - to either my body or my mind? Talk me off the ledge.
I'm an "elder millennial" (38) and I desperately need to know some POSITIVE aspects of getting older and reaching midlife. Anything works as long as it doesn't have to do with a) becoming more financially/professionally secure (and the various things this would allow, like more travel, leisure time, or prestige) or B) raising kids/watching kids grow up. Neither of these are in the cards for me personally. They are typically what people say is "worth it" about aging, or what to look forward to in midlife and beyond.
Right now all I can think about is that getting older means watching the people I love die, as well as physically deteriorating myself. These two things are certain to happen, and nothing else is, really.
Is there anything GOOD that is also (for sure) going to happen, say over the next 10+ years - to either my body or my mind? Talk me off the ledge.
Hi There,
You asked for "perspective". I wanted to give you some, and show you that it really does get better (especially when you finally get that perspective).
I'm slightly older than you. I remember when I was your age and things were looking dire. I was anxious about money. I was thinking I would never find love. My family life was all fucked up. I got cancer.
But day by day, year by year, things fell into place. I beat the cancer. I met someone, and this time, it miraculously worked. I stopped wasting money, started saving.Neither of us can have kids, but we have lovely animals, and step families. The craziness in my family sorted itself out when we all got older.
Here's the thing: When I was a teenager, I was not in a right state: I was a high-functioning autistic (but nobody knew what that was then), I was riddled with OCD, anxieties, social awkwardness. And every setback, every bad encounter felt like awful pain. But in time, something happened: Call it "perspective", call it biological changes, call it maturity, the pain faded, to be replaced with bemusement. I'll never be an extravert or the life of the party, I know that. But today, I feel OK about it. I even feel good about it. I am who I am, and my introversion is a strength. Where I felt an awful loneliness, now I feel a quietness and calm that I really enjoy. My wife is an extravert, and constantly meeting, chatting, texting, calling people. And I happily go to the other room to watch a movie or read, knowing that we love one another while being different.
Because of my neurodivergence, I soon realised that some work opportunities would be closed. And for a long time it made me feel like a failure. Everyone else seemed to have it so easy! But I eventually found success in a field where I could apply my particular strengths and not fail at the skills I didn't need. I eventually built a very successful career as a strategy consultant. And I eventually started making good money. I'm not saying it didn't leave any scars: Years afterwards I still have the same nightmares where I lose a job because I can't socialize well. But I bet everyone has those dreams, maybe the one where you find out you forgot to put on clothes before making that big presentation?
I guess what I'm saying is that it feels so painful, so insurmountable to approach birthday X but feeling like you should have had more, done more , etc. because you're re-litigating expectations you had earlier ("by X years old I will have a partner, kids a house, etc etc). But two things: 1. Those were expectations, not predictions. You didn't fail to reach your goals, you just had unrealistic expectations that the goals could easily be reached. Move the goalposts. Give yourself easier goals to reach. Or decide that by failing to reach a huge ambitious goal, you still pushed yourself harder than someone less ambitious, and reached other goals that way. 2. Pretty soon, you're going to realize that *it doesn't matter as much as you thought when you were younger*! Maybe you won't own a huge McMansion, but you have a roof over your head and you are safe. Maybe you're not married to a hottie, but along the way you are capable of feeling love for others, and you are loved by some.
I wish there was a pill that could give you perspective. But there isn't. There is only time. And time really, truly does heal all wounds. I mean it. You'll find out eventually. You just have to follow Beckett's line from Waiting for Godot (I think that's the one): "I can't go on. I'll go on."
You will get there.
Giving you the metaphorical hug,
Bigbootay. Tay! Tay! Blam! Aargh...
posted by Bigbootay. Tay! Tay! Blam! Aargh... at 12:04 AM on February 24, 2023 [20 favorites]
You asked for "perspective". I wanted to give you some, and show you that it really does get better (especially when you finally get that perspective).
I'm slightly older than you. I remember when I was your age and things were looking dire. I was anxious about money. I was thinking I would never find love. My family life was all fucked up. I got cancer.
But day by day, year by year, things fell into place. I beat the cancer. I met someone, and this time, it miraculously worked. I stopped wasting money, started saving.Neither of us can have kids, but we have lovely animals, and step families. The craziness in my family sorted itself out when we all got older.
Here's the thing: When I was a teenager, I was not in a right state: I was a high-functioning autistic (but nobody knew what that was then), I was riddled with OCD, anxieties, social awkwardness. And every setback, every bad encounter felt like awful pain. But in time, something happened: Call it "perspective", call it biological changes, call it maturity, the pain faded, to be replaced with bemusement. I'll never be an extravert or the life of the party, I know that. But today, I feel OK about it. I even feel good about it. I am who I am, and my introversion is a strength. Where I felt an awful loneliness, now I feel a quietness and calm that I really enjoy. My wife is an extravert, and constantly meeting, chatting, texting, calling people. And I happily go to the other room to watch a movie or read, knowing that we love one another while being different.
Because of my neurodivergence, I soon realised that some work opportunities would be closed. And for a long time it made me feel like a failure. Everyone else seemed to have it so easy! But I eventually found success in a field where I could apply my particular strengths and not fail at the skills I didn't need. I eventually built a very successful career as a strategy consultant. And I eventually started making good money. I'm not saying it didn't leave any scars: Years afterwards I still have the same nightmares where I lose a job because I can't socialize well. But I bet everyone has those dreams, maybe the one where you find out you forgot to put on clothes before making that big presentation?
I guess what I'm saying is that it feels so painful, so insurmountable to approach birthday X but feeling like you should have had more, done more , etc. because you're re-litigating expectations you had earlier ("by X years old I will have a partner, kids a house, etc etc). But two things: 1. Those were expectations, not predictions. You didn't fail to reach your goals, you just had unrealistic expectations that the goals could easily be reached. Move the goalposts. Give yourself easier goals to reach. Or decide that by failing to reach a huge ambitious goal, you still pushed yourself harder than someone less ambitious, and reached other goals that way. 2. Pretty soon, you're going to realize that *it doesn't matter as much as you thought when you were younger*! Maybe you won't own a huge McMansion, but you have a roof over your head and you are safe. Maybe you're not married to a hottie, but along the way you are capable of feeling love for others, and you are loved by some.
I wish there was a pill that could give you perspective. But there isn't. There is only time. And time really, truly does heal all wounds. I mean it. You'll find out eventually. You just have to follow Beckett's line from Waiting for Godot (I think that's the one): "I can't go on. I'll go on."
You will get there.
Giving you the metaphorical hug,
Bigbootay. Tay! Tay! Blam! Aargh...
posted by Bigbootay. Tay! Tay! Blam! Aargh... at 12:04 AM on February 24, 2023 [20 favorites]
PS. bluedaisy is absolutely right! 40 is y-o-u-n-g. Think about it: You've got more years ahead of you than behind you.
When I was a kid, 40 sounded ancient. In my mind a 40 year old had one foot in the grave. Nowadays, 40 isn't even middle-age. It's one step over "kidult".
Jagger is twice your age and still touring. Biden is twice your age and the goldang president of the US!
Depending on whether you are glass half full or half empty it means you have either only 40 more years to become a rock star head of state, or all the time in the world. Hell, Buckaroo Banzai, the neurosurgeon, rock star ninja started 10 years later than you.
Tell you what: Come back in 1/5/10 years and let us know what you've been up to. I bet we'll be happily surprised (and so will you).
posted by Bigbootay. Tay! Tay! Blam! Aargh... at 12:15 AM on February 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
When I was a kid, 40 sounded ancient. In my mind a 40 year old had one foot in the grave. Nowadays, 40 isn't even middle-age. It's one step over "kidult".
Jagger is twice your age and still touring. Biden is twice your age and the goldang president of the US!
Depending on whether you are glass half full or half empty it means you have either only 40 more years to become a rock star head of state, or all the time in the world. Hell, Buckaroo Banzai, the neurosurgeon, rock star ninja started 10 years later than you.
Tell you what: Come back in 1/5/10 years and let us know what you've been up to. I bet we'll be happily surprised (and so will you).
posted by Bigbootay. Tay! Tay! Blam! Aargh... at 12:15 AM on February 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I turned forty last January, and that birthday was maybe the most painful day of my adult life. My relationship was ending and I had told my abusive partner she had until the day before that to move out, but she took an extra day. So, what should've been a milestone birthday worth celebrating instead marked a painful end to a painful relationship. It was a terrible day, but it proved to be the beginning of a transformation both of my body and psyche.
Not having the burden of that relationship made me healthier by itself. After some months of grieving, I started keeping a food diary, cooking at home and eating much healthier. I got a gym membership and started lifting weights and going for long walks four days a week. I lost 25 pounds, and I'm now the strongest I've ever been.
After the relationship ended, I learned the extent of my (ex-)partner's covert abuses. It was even more devastating than the overtly cruel things she did while we were together, but after obsessively studying her psychology, I turned my focus to myself and began to work on understanding my own psyche.
That's still a work in progress. It has not been easy and I continue to grieve what I've lost (from a traumatic childhood through to today), but I am grateful for the insight that individual therapy, a ton of self-help reading, writing in my journal, and doing guided shadow work and inner child work (thru YouTube) have given me. I cannot recommend practices like these enough.
The last year taught me to make the authenticity of my feelings the basis by which I evaluate myself, not my successes or failures. Doing it the other way around is a trap. It's a tough habit to break! I got trapped into it just today when I signed a job offer that's a big step down in pay from what I was making at my last position. It still feels kind of bad, but I have been forgetting how miserable I was in that last job. And when I feel lonely as a single person at 41, I remember how unhappy I was in my last relationship with that gorgeous, brilliant, awful person, and suddenly it doesn't seem so bad. The grass is always greener on the other side.
One big opportunity of midlife, I believe, is the opportunity to become more fully yourself in ways that many younger people are not always capable. I see people go through their whole lives without really understanding their motivations or fears. Many live through the mask of a false self to their dying day.
You ask what good things are assured in the next decade, and I'm sorry to say that I don't believe anything good is assured at any stage of life. But I would encourage you to believe that it doesn't have to be all bad. There is a lot you can do to so that it won't be.
I hope you have a happy birthday and many happy years to come.
posted by tovarisch at 12:30 AM on February 24, 2023 [27 favorites]
Not having the burden of that relationship made me healthier by itself. After some months of grieving, I started keeping a food diary, cooking at home and eating much healthier. I got a gym membership and started lifting weights and going for long walks four days a week. I lost 25 pounds, and I'm now the strongest I've ever been.
After the relationship ended, I learned the extent of my (ex-)partner's covert abuses. It was even more devastating than the overtly cruel things she did while we were together, but after obsessively studying her psychology, I turned my focus to myself and began to work on understanding my own psyche.
That's still a work in progress. It has not been easy and I continue to grieve what I've lost (from a traumatic childhood through to today), but I am grateful for the insight that individual therapy, a ton of self-help reading, writing in my journal, and doing guided shadow work and inner child work (thru YouTube) have given me. I cannot recommend practices like these enough.
The last year taught me to make the authenticity of my feelings the basis by which I evaluate myself, not my successes or failures. Doing it the other way around is a trap. It's a tough habit to break! I got trapped into it just today when I signed a job offer that's a big step down in pay from what I was making at my last position. It still feels kind of bad, but I have been forgetting how miserable I was in that last job. And when I feel lonely as a single person at 41, I remember how unhappy I was in my last relationship with that gorgeous, brilliant, awful person, and suddenly it doesn't seem so bad. The grass is always greener on the other side.
One big opportunity of midlife, I believe, is the opportunity to become more fully yourself in ways that many younger people are not always capable. I see people go through their whole lives without really understanding their motivations or fears. Many live through the mask of a false self to their dying day.
You ask what good things are assured in the next decade, and I'm sorry to say that I don't believe anything good is assured at any stage of life. But I would encourage you to believe that it doesn't have to be all bad. There is a lot you can do to so that it won't be.
I hope you have a happy birthday and many happy years to come.
posted by tovarisch at 12:30 AM on February 24, 2023 [27 favorites]
I’m your age, do not want children and have no hope or desire for traditional career paths. I struggle with depression but it’s never been about aging. In fact, I have long considered myself an old lady just stuck waiting around until my outsides match my insides. So let’s see, what am I anticipating as I age… I’ll list a bunch and maybe you can identify with them.
- I present female, but as I get older my outward gender presentation becomes easier to modify towards very femme or agender depending on my internal needs that day.
- Related to being female most of the time, people sexualize me without my consent less and less. Looking forward to the day when my body type will only be found on the most niche of horny websites!
- The young adults around me continue to impress. Practically every day I am presented with something cool younger people have accomplished by building off of things people our age have worked on; it’s so satisfying to watch that baton handoff.
- I have struggled with being persnickety and snooty my whole life, but as I get older my confidence in having preferences for certain things increases. It’s like, I’m living long enough to have experienced good and bad versions of things enough that I really can say that x is better than y, and not feel like I’m just saying that because it’s what I’ve been told to believe. I also have downright pedestrian taste in plenty of stuff so I know it’s not something I’m faking when I do get pompous about a thing.
- I am getting better about death. I’ve never been scared to die but as people around me die I have become a kind of go-to person who helps with grief, making hard choices after a loved one’s death, knowing what to say or what the best choice in a difficult situation is, etc. I seem to be growing into my psychopomp ways the older I get and I’m pretty proud of it. I think it might partly be because I don’t have kids, so I can focus on people other than them in times of crisis.
- Speaking of not having kids, hoo-boy, the money and free time is ridiculous. There’s also a secret smugness because unless I accidentally set an oil rig aflame I am going to contribute less to climate change acceleration than practically anyone in the US who chooses to have a child. Like, I love kids and I’m so happy to be a weird auntie to a handful, but damn am I glad they aren’t my own and I didn’t make that life choice. I can do stuff on a weeknight. I can budget for new appliances, or nice shoes, or specialist doctors. My life is not dictated by the whims of a person without autonomy and it’s awesome. I’m sure once I hit my fifties and peoples’ kids move out there will be an equalizing period, but this next decade is going to be me doing stuff on a whim and other people needing to schedule around soccer games.
- I appear to be accruing a sort of natural authority. I’m unsure if this is just something that happens to all women (and women-adjacent people) in their forties or what, but it’s clear that the older I am, the more people listen to me upon first meeting. Like, I used to do operations at fan run conventions, and I was authoritative over walkie but if anyone saw me in person they would start treating me like a fifteen year old. A few years back I volunteered to help with registration at a con and in about ten minutes had the whole setup reorganized with different tasks and groups; people who were actual con staff showed up and deferred to me even though I was expecting to be told off. At that time I was only in my mid thirties. I have had numerous little versions of this since, I can only assume my hidden power grows.
- Kids think I’m going to be like their mom and when I’m cool they freaking love me. I look like I’m going to tell them to behave and instead I’m like “tell me everything about your obsession with favorite thing” or “let’s make even more slime” or “omg please put these stickers on my face” or whatever and it’s delightful. The joy a child expresses when the switcheroo has been made clear is so good, and the groan of relief their parent makes when finally someone else will listen to their kid talk about Pokémon for an hour or whatever is pretty good, too.
- At some point my hair is going to go mostly silver. Right now I have a sort of even sprinkling of grey hair among my almost black hair, and frankly I am getting impatient even though I’m greying faster than the rest of my family. It’s greying into this gorgeous completely clear sparkly silver which I’m psyched about, but also I’m looking forward to dying chunks of it all kinds of colors. I had a blue hair phase for a few years and still want blue hair, but the bleaching was absurd, because of how dark my natural pigment is. Fun colors without the bleach! Yesssss! But also silvery white hair will make me look so powerful, like a wizard or mad scientist.
- I get to live with more animals the older I get. This isn’t like, I adopt a cat for every birthday, but more like, the longer I live the more cats and dogs (and hopefully turtles and bunnies and rats and birds and ferrets etc etc etc etc) I will have been able to adopt. Every pet I’ve ever had has been dear to my heart. And I’m always like “but I want a pupppyyyyy” or “why can’t I have a Guinea pig!!!” But the thing is, once my current pets pass away, I will be able to have that puppy and/or piggy and/or bearded dragon and that’s because I’m continuing to be alive. When I struggle with wanting to continue to be alive, thinking about how I can live with future pets who aren’t even born yet is absolutely one way I’ve carried myself over some chasms.
- We all become disabled as we age. I have a lot of physically disabled friends because I’m chronically online and have my own issues in that sphere. But as we age, the more people my age will be struggling with these challenges. When people in my family get together it naturally turns into everyone complaining about their various ailments. As a kid I would roll my eyes but as an adult I’m like, yes! Commiserate with me! You get me! And the older I get, the more my cousins and old friends and so-on are gaining understanding. I think some fear of aging lies in an inability to acknowledge that our peers will be aging right alongside us.
I can probably think of more but that’s most of it. Everybody’s different so I suspect you won’t identify with too much of this. But also, that’s another thing to look forward to. The older we get, the more different people we meet, the more diversity we experience, the wider our comprehension becomes.
posted by Mizu at 12:36 AM on February 24, 2023 [26 favorites]
- I present female, but as I get older my outward gender presentation becomes easier to modify towards very femme or agender depending on my internal needs that day.
- Related to being female most of the time, people sexualize me without my consent less and less. Looking forward to the day when my body type will only be found on the most niche of horny websites!
- The young adults around me continue to impress. Practically every day I am presented with something cool younger people have accomplished by building off of things people our age have worked on; it’s so satisfying to watch that baton handoff.
- I have struggled with being persnickety and snooty my whole life, but as I get older my confidence in having preferences for certain things increases. It’s like, I’m living long enough to have experienced good and bad versions of things enough that I really can say that x is better than y, and not feel like I’m just saying that because it’s what I’ve been told to believe. I also have downright pedestrian taste in plenty of stuff so I know it’s not something I’m faking when I do get pompous about a thing.
- I am getting better about death. I’ve never been scared to die but as people around me die I have become a kind of go-to person who helps with grief, making hard choices after a loved one’s death, knowing what to say or what the best choice in a difficult situation is, etc. I seem to be growing into my psychopomp ways the older I get and I’m pretty proud of it. I think it might partly be because I don’t have kids, so I can focus on people other than them in times of crisis.
- Speaking of not having kids, hoo-boy, the money and free time is ridiculous. There’s also a secret smugness because unless I accidentally set an oil rig aflame I am going to contribute less to climate change acceleration than practically anyone in the US who chooses to have a child. Like, I love kids and I’m so happy to be a weird auntie to a handful, but damn am I glad they aren’t my own and I didn’t make that life choice. I can do stuff on a weeknight. I can budget for new appliances, or nice shoes, or specialist doctors. My life is not dictated by the whims of a person without autonomy and it’s awesome. I’m sure once I hit my fifties and peoples’ kids move out there will be an equalizing period, but this next decade is going to be me doing stuff on a whim and other people needing to schedule around soccer games.
- I appear to be accruing a sort of natural authority. I’m unsure if this is just something that happens to all women (and women-adjacent people) in their forties or what, but it’s clear that the older I am, the more people listen to me upon first meeting. Like, I used to do operations at fan run conventions, and I was authoritative over walkie but if anyone saw me in person they would start treating me like a fifteen year old. A few years back I volunteered to help with registration at a con and in about ten minutes had the whole setup reorganized with different tasks and groups; people who were actual con staff showed up and deferred to me even though I was expecting to be told off. At that time I was only in my mid thirties. I have had numerous little versions of this since, I can only assume my hidden power grows.
- Kids think I’m going to be like their mom and when I’m cool they freaking love me. I look like I’m going to tell them to behave and instead I’m like “tell me everything about your obsession with favorite thing” or “let’s make even more slime” or “omg please put these stickers on my face” or whatever and it’s delightful. The joy a child expresses when the switcheroo has been made clear is so good, and the groan of relief their parent makes when finally someone else will listen to their kid talk about Pokémon for an hour or whatever is pretty good, too.
- At some point my hair is going to go mostly silver. Right now I have a sort of even sprinkling of grey hair among my almost black hair, and frankly I am getting impatient even though I’m greying faster than the rest of my family. It’s greying into this gorgeous completely clear sparkly silver which I’m psyched about, but also I’m looking forward to dying chunks of it all kinds of colors. I had a blue hair phase for a few years and still want blue hair, but the bleaching was absurd, because of how dark my natural pigment is. Fun colors without the bleach! Yesssss! But also silvery white hair will make me look so powerful, like a wizard or mad scientist.
- I get to live with more animals the older I get. This isn’t like, I adopt a cat for every birthday, but more like, the longer I live the more cats and dogs (and hopefully turtles and bunnies and rats and birds and ferrets etc etc etc etc) I will have been able to adopt. Every pet I’ve ever had has been dear to my heart. And I’m always like “but I want a pupppyyyyy” or “why can’t I have a Guinea pig!!!” But the thing is, once my current pets pass away, I will be able to have that puppy and/or piggy and/or bearded dragon and that’s because I’m continuing to be alive. When I struggle with wanting to continue to be alive, thinking about how I can live with future pets who aren’t even born yet is absolutely one way I’ve carried myself over some chasms.
- We all become disabled as we age. I have a lot of physically disabled friends because I’m chronically online and have my own issues in that sphere. But as we age, the more people my age will be struggling with these challenges. When people in my family get together it naturally turns into everyone complaining about their various ailments. As a kid I would roll my eyes but as an adult I’m like, yes! Commiserate with me! You get me! And the older I get, the more my cousins and old friends and so-on are gaining understanding. I think some fear of aging lies in an inability to acknowledge that our peers will be aging right alongside us.
I can probably think of more but that’s most of it. Everybody’s different so I suspect you won’t identify with too much of this. But also, that’s another thing to look forward to. The older we get, the more different people we meet, the more diversity we experience, the wider our comprehension becomes.
posted by Mizu at 12:36 AM on February 24, 2023 [26 favorites]
I'm 53. For me 40 is as far away as 27 is to you.
Many, many things have happened in my life in that time. I'm not going to lie. Some of them were pretty shit. Heartbreak, depression, deaths, disability. But they were, in a way, accidental. There is a constant chance of something terrible happening at any moment, and if you live long enough, well you're going to lose that bet sometimes. But a lot those things were good, and some of them were definitely part of the aging or maturing process. Good things also happen and if you live long enough, you can win that bet sometimes.
An established thing in psychology is that as you age, cognitive flexibility declines... but pattern recognition increases, so-called crystallised intelligence. The sense that you Just Know What To Do can increase, because you have Seen This Shit Before. This can be good for you and it can be good for people in your life if you can help them. I definitely have felt this.
I don't care as much about fashions and fads and fitting in. I see now that many of the bad things that happened weren't my fault, and many of the good things were good luck, which I can appreciate. Again, psychological research suggests that happiness in life reaches its nadir in middle age and then things get better. I think that's happening for me.
I only have one kid, and because I was a father young, she was grown up and independent when I was in my mid-40s. My satisfaction with young people comes from younger people in my work life, musical life, martial art and social circle (and their kids). You do not have to have children of your own to be engaged with younger people and help them in life. Gotta think beyond your family here.
Physical deterioration sucks, it's true. Exercise and sensible eating is keeping it at bay, and the fact is, I'm not an athlete. If I can tie my own shoelaces and ride a bike down to the supermarket and pick up a baby I'm doing fine. I have several hobby/pastimes that keep me fit and in contact with people so it's not a chore to stay in shape. Oddly enough, the two demographics that have a lot of research on fitness interventions are college students... and the elderly. In your 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond, activity makes a big difference to all aspects of your health and your body responds. You do not have to be resigned to decrepitude.
If I could go back to 40 year old me, I'd say, you have 13 years of life to live and experience to gain, 13 years to take care of yourself and other people, 13 years of meaning if you pay attention. Pay attention.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:02 AM on February 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
Many, many things have happened in my life in that time. I'm not going to lie. Some of them were pretty shit. Heartbreak, depression, deaths, disability. But they were, in a way, accidental. There is a constant chance of something terrible happening at any moment, and if you live long enough, well you're going to lose that bet sometimes. But a lot those things were good, and some of them were definitely part of the aging or maturing process. Good things also happen and if you live long enough, you can win that bet sometimes.
An established thing in psychology is that as you age, cognitive flexibility declines... but pattern recognition increases, so-called crystallised intelligence. The sense that you Just Know What To Do can increase, because you have Seen This Shit Before. This can be good for you and it can be good for people in your life if you can help them. I definitely have felt this.
I don't care as much about fashions and fads and fitting in. I see now that many of the bad things that happened weren't my fault, and many of the good things were good luck, which I can appreciate. Again, psychological research suggests that happiness in life reaches its nadir in middle age and then things get better. I think that's happening for me.
I only have one kid, and because I was a father young, she was grown up and independent when I was in my mid-40s. My satisfaction with young people comes from younger people in my work life, musical life, martial art and social circle (and their kids). You do not have to have children of your own to be engaged with younger people and help them in life. Gotta think beyond your family here.
Physical deterioration sucks, it's true. Exercise and sensible eating is keeping it at bay, and the fact is, I'm not an athlete. If I can tie my own shoelaces and ride a bike down to the supermarket and pick up a baby I'm doing fine. I have several hobby/pastimes that keep me fit and in contact with people so it's not a chore to stay in shape. Oddly enough, the two demographics that have a lot of research on fitness interventions are college students... and the elderly. In your 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond, activity makes a big difference to all aspects of your health and your body responds. You do not have to be resigned to decrepitude.
If I could go back to 40 year old me, I'd say, you have 13 years of life to live and experience to gain, 13 years to take care of yourself and other people, 13 years of meaning if you pay attention. Pay attention.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:02 AM on February 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
I'm laughing at this. I know exactly how you feel, because I was 38 once, but it's not very old.
My wife said, recently, "You're not getting more normal as you get older."
"I'm not actually trying."
She sighed at me, but she secretly doesn't mind. After a while the world has to get used to you, because you know how much of it is bluster and rules made up on the spot.
I can recite poetry, because I've had a long time to memorize it. When people describe books or write glowing reviews I can name the book they were copied from, and the one that started that genre. I have a lot of general knowledge, because I've had time to learn it.
People talk about history as though it's a done deal, a book. As an adolescent I knew someone who was in a Nazi death camp. I met a girl who went to a Beatles concert. I have a friend whose father was shot on orders from Stalin. When I was in school I took courses on how to run an empire. After that I lived in a town that still had hitching rails in front of all the businesses.
When I see trends and fashions I'm not blown away, because it's been here before. I know a lot of people who have recently been given the wisdom of the ages on social media, know that people aren't stupid any more and we've finally got it right. I know how long that will last, and how stupid it'll look in a decade, and how those people will have known that all along. Getting older involves saying nothing and shaking your head a lot. it's amusing.
My (younger) boss said, of another guy, on an obscure technical subject, "He's one of those old experienced guys who can do a week's work in fifteen minutes." I'm not that good, but I have my moments.
What makes human society function is the accumulation of knowledge and experience. That's why we don't let the wolves get the old experienced guys. Someday, you, too, will be one of the wise elders. (Not a guarantee, you might also eventually be an aging idiot, but you did ask this question, so you get credit.)
If there was a drug that would make me eighteen again I'd be delighted, mostly because this time I'd have the sense not to be an idiot. But I think every stage of life is worthwhile. You're probably not old enough to feel this way yet, because you're not that old.
posted by AugustusCrunch at 1:30 AM on February 24, 2023 [11 favorites]
My wife said, recently, "You're not getting more normal as you get older."
"I'm not actually trying."
She sighed at me, but she secretly doesn't mind. After a while the world has to get used to you, because you know how much of it is bluster and rules made up on the spot.
I can recite poetry, because I've had a long time to memorize it. When people describe books or write glowing reviews I can name the book they were copied from, and the one that started that genre. I have a lot of general knowledge, because I've had time to learn it.
People talk about history as though it's a done deal, a book. As an adolescent I knew someone who was in a Nazi death camp. I met a girl who went to a Beatles concert. I have a friend whose father was shot on orders from Stalin. When I was in school I took courses on how to run an empire. After that I lived in a town that still had hitching rails in front of all the businesses.
When I see trends and fashions I'm not blown away, because it's been here before. I know a lot of people who have recently been given the wisdom of the ages on social media, know that people aren't stupid any more and we've finally got it right. I know how long that will last, and how stupid it'll look in a decade, and how those people will have known that all along. Getting older involves saying nothing and shaking your head a lot. it's amusing.
My (younger) boss said, of another guy, on an obscure technical subject, "He's one of those old experienced guys who can do a week's work in fifteen minutes." I'm not that good, but I have my moments.
What makes human society function is the accumulation of knowledge and experience. That's why we don't let the wolves get the old experienced guys. Someday, you, too, will be one of the wise elders. (Not a guarantee, you might also eventually be an aging idiot, but you did ask this question, so you get credit.)
If there was a drug that would make me eighteen again I'd be delighted, mostly because this time I'd have the sense not to be an idiot. But I think every stage of life is worthwhile. You're probably not old enough to feel this way yet, because you're not that old.
posted by AugustusCrunch at 1:30 AM on February 24, 2023 [11 favorites]
I've been mentioning this an awful lot in the last couple of years, but have you read Camus' Myth of Sisyphus? It's a very short work and it came to me in a time of duress (like the commenter above, I was also turning 40 during a divorce—one that followed a surreal personality change in my partner after a brain injury, among other tragedies).
Camus was writing when people were grappling with what it means for human existence to recognize that life is absurd, occasionally (maybe largely) out of our personal control, capable of profound pain, and ultimately finite. Camus uses Sisyphus as a symbol of this recognition. Drawing attention to Sisyphus' willingness to turn towards his endless task, Cmaus proposes a frame-shifting perspective: why not imagine Sisyphus happy with his task? As a metaphor, that rang me like a bell when I was in my darkest time. The depth of my feeling was recast so quickly as a virtue instead of an albatross, a feature instead of a bug in the system.
I've since started putting serious time into therapy and there's a lot of thinking in therapy circles that mirrors this concept in different ways. I'm fond of the therapeutic approach called ACT, which is in harmony with some of the thinking behind Camus' work. If Camus is a bit heavy, I also recommend workbooking your way into this situation. I dived into this ACT workbook back in 2019 and it was really helpful (I still revisit it pretty routinely, in and outside of therapy, because it's full of useful concepts that may well help you structure how you approach your question in the future). Steven Hayes, the author, has a lot of YouTube material, too, (going back more than a decade) if you want to get a sense of the flavor of this worksbook before you give it a try.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 1:34 AM on February 24, 2023 [6 favorites]
Camus was writing when people were grappling with what it means for human existence to recognize that life is absurd, occasionally (maybe largely) out of our personal control, capable of profound pain, and ultimately finite. Camus uses Sisyphus as a symbol of this recognition. Drawing attention to Sisyphus' willingness to turn towards his endless task, Cmaus proposes a frame-shifting perspective: why not imagine Sisyphus happy with his task? As a metaphor, that rang me like a bell when I was in my darkest time. The depth of my feeling was recast so quickly as a virtue instead of an albatross, a feature instead of a bug in the system.
I've since started putting serious time into therapy and there's a lot of thinking in therapy circles that mirrors this concept in different ways. I'm fond of the therapeutic approach called ACT, which is in harmony with some of the thinking behind Camus' work. If Camus is a bit heavy, I also recommend workbooking your way into this situation. I dived into this ACT workbook back in 2019 and it was really helpful (I still revisit it pretty routinely, in and outside of therapy, because it's full of useful concepts that may well help you structure how you approach your question in the future). Steven Hayes, the author, has a lot of YouTube material, too, (going back more than a decade) if you want to get a sense of the flavor of this worksbook before you give it a try.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 1:34 AM on February 24, 2023 [6 favorites]
I've just turned 61, and one thing I can say about ageing is that it sure beats the alternative.
Also, you're sad about rising 40 not because there's anything specifically wrong with being 40 per se, but because you've been raised in a culture that worships the whole idea of youth to an extent that's genuinely diseased. Seriously, it's just fucked. Let it go.
Being young sucks. It's confusing as hell and none of those poor bastards have ever had the slightest clue what to do with it.
posted by flabdablet at 1:36 AM on February 24, 2023 [27 favorites]
Also, you're sad about rising 40 not because there's anything specifically wrong with being 40 per se, but because you've been raised in a culture that worships the whole idea of youth to an extent that's genuinely diseased. Seriously, it's just fucked. Let it go.
Being young sucks. It's confusing as hell and none of those poor bastards have ever had the slightest clue what to do with it.
posted by flabdablet at 1:36 AM on February 24, 2023 [27 favorites]
The dread you're experiencing as 40 looms on your personal horizon is the dread that every young person in your culture has spent pretty much their entire life being steeped in and I can assure you that it just vanishes - poof! like magic! - once 40 is in your rear view mirror. Almost as if it was always bullshit from the get-go.
posted by flabdablet at 1:52 AM on February 24, 2023 [14 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 1:52 AM on February 24, 2023 [14 favorites]
Also yes, cancer does suck. If you're not already getting skin checks done at least yearly, now's a good time to start.
posted by flabdablet at 1:53 AM on February 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by flabdablet at 1:53 AM on February 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
Im 71 and in most ways I’m having the time of my life. A lot of the discourse about getting older these days is incredibly negative and it can feel as if it’s true because so many people are repeating it, but most of the people being negative about age aren’t old themselves.
When I was 40 I had not yet started learning the sport in which I’ve had enough success that I just got a lifetime achievement award. I hadn’t finished my graduate degree or started the career that brought me so much joy and incidentally provided me with some retirement savings I thought I’d never have. I hadn’t published several of my novels.
Yes, bad things have happened. People died. They’ve been dying all my life. But people were also born, some of them incredibly important in my life. And as others have said, 40 these days is young.
posted by Peach at 2:34 AM on February 24, 2023 [24 favorites]
When I was 40 I had not yet started learning the sport in which I’ve had enough success that I just got a lifetime achievement award. I hadn’t finished my graduate degree or started the career that brought me so much joy and incidentally provided me with some retirement savings I thought I’d never have. I hadn’t published several of my novels.
Yes, bad things have happened. People died. They’ve been dying all my life. But people were also born, some of them incredibly important in my life. And as others have said, 40 these days is young.
posted by Peach at 2:34 AM on February 24, 2023 [24 favorites]
Right now all I can think about is that getting older means watching the people I love die, as well as physically deteriorating myself. These two things are certain to happen, and nothing else is, really.
Getting older also means getting to spend more time with the people you love and who love you. As for physical deterioration, there are people getting ripped in their 50s and 60s - you can decide what level of fitness you want and work towards it. There are people who take up a musical instrument in their 70s and you could take up a new language or a hobby that matters to you and become good at it (or have a good time, which matters most).
The cult of youth is all around us, but it's frankly overrated.
posted by ersatz at 2:36 AM on February 24, 2023 [6 favorites]
Getting older also means getting to spend more time with the people you love and who love you. As for physical deterioration, there are people getting ripped in their 50s and 60s - you can decide what level of fitness you want and work towards it. There are people who take up a musical instrument in their 70s and you could take up a new language or a hobby that matters to you and become good at it (or have a good time, which matters most).
The cult of youth is all around us, but it's frankly overrated.
posted by ersatz at 2:36 AM on February 24, 2023 [6 favorites]
Mid forties here, no children, living alone - for me personally it struck me, some time in 2020, that I am content with my life and happy with my life choices and in a good place. I like my job, I like where I live, I have figured out what I am good at and what not. I have figured out what kind of people I like in my life and what kind I can do without. I feel zero need to prove myself to anybody. All of that makes life a lot easier to navigate.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:24 AM on February 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:24 AM on February 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
Is there anything GOOD that is also (for sure) going to happen, say over the next 10+ years - to either my body or my mind? Talk me off the ledge.
Absolutely! You will come up the other side of the happiness u.
In my 40s I started martial arts, ran my first 10k and half marathon, reconnected with my high school writing friends to form a writing group where people are getting published and residencies, and basically - I wouldn’t say “got off” the career treadmill but I stopped trying to please others, especially toxic power structures. Last year I finished a degree. I’m having as much fun as in my 20s, although I admit I need more sleep. I have had some health bumps but I’m generally capable and where I’m not, I’m experienced enough to get a physiotherapist early.
My experience is actually kind of typical among my peers.
That U will come up! Look for things that connect you to activities and people you love.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:43 AM on February 24, 2023 [9 favorites]
Absolutely! You will come up the other side of the happiness u.
In my 40s I started martial arts, ran my first 10k and half marathon, reconnected with my high school writing friends to form a writing group where people are getting published and residencies, and basically - I wouldn’t say “got off” the career treadmill but I stopped trying to please others, especially toxic power structures. Last year I finished a degree. I’m having as much fun as in my 20s, although I admit I need more sleep. I have had some health bumps but I’m generally capable and where I’m not, I’m experienced enough to get a physiotherapist early.
My experience is actually kind of typical among my peers.
That U will come up! Look for things that connect you to activities and people you love.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:43 AM on February 24, 2023 [9 favorites]
I have a lot of general knowledge, because I've had time to learn it.
This is a minor thing, but it has the benefit of being both concrete and true: you get better at crosswords as you age, because you gain ambient awareness of the world with every passing day.
posted by rollick at 4:19 AM on February 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
This is a minor thing, but it has the benefit of being both concrete and true: you get better at crosswords as you age, because you gain ambient awareness of the world with every passing day.
posted by rollick at 4:19 AM on February 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
My 53rd birthday is tomorrow.
I have become much more accepting of myself and my foibles, and kind of fond of them in a weird way. Recently I've started thinking of myself as being "slightly silly", but...I mean it in a good way - in the past I felt this super-huge self-imposed pressure to Do Something Important With My Life, but recently I've started realizing that that's not going to happen, and I'm instead turning into one of those slightly dotty, whimsical older women who's single and childless but is always doing something fun and and artistic and is active in the smaller community rather than The Whole World At Large.
And....I like that thought. I'm not going to do anything earth-shattering, but...a couple dozen people really got into the stuff I made for the community garden bake sale, and that's not too shabby. And I have more time for more fun when I'm not Trying To Achieve Greatness - doing things like throwing a Mardi Gras party for my office just 'cause. And if people think it's a little silly that I do that....so what, I'm having a good time, and some other people love it, so there.
Age has brought me to a point where I'm that accepting of myself.
And - you can still be active at this age. In fact, it's recommended; I was never an athlete anyway so I was never at a point to fall from anyway, but I'm still able to go for long walks and rambles, and in fact my doctor has been nagging me to do that again (I broke a knee in 2020 and between that and the pandemic I got a little lazy). You don't have to be a Super-Buff Athlete anyway.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:34 AM on February 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
I have become much more accepting of myself and my foibles, and kind of fond of them in a weird way. Recently I've started thinking of myself as being "slightly silly", but...I mean it in a good way - in the past I felt this super-huge self-imposed pressure to Do Something Important With My Life, but recently I've started realizing that that's not going to happen, and I'm instead turning into one of those slightly dotty, whimsical older women who's single and childless but is always doing something fun and and artistic and is active in the smaller community rather than The Whole World At Large.
And....I like that thought. I'm not going to do anything earth-shattering, but...a couple dozen people really got into the stuff I made for the community garden bake sale, and that's not too shabby. And I have more time for more fun when I'm not Trying To Achieve Greatness - doing things like throwing a Mardi Gras party for my office just 'cause. And if people think it's a little silly that I do that....so what, I'm having a good time, and some other people love it, so there.
Age has brought me to a point where I'm that accepting of myself.
And - you can still be active at this age. In fact, it's recommended; I was never an athlete anyway so I was never at a point to fall from anyway, but I'm still able to go for long walks and rambles, and in fact my doctor has been nagging me to do that again (I broke a knee in 2020 and between that and the pandemic I got a little lazy). You don't have to be a Super-Buff Athlete anyway.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:34 AM on February 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
God, I'm so much happier, and more comfortable in my body, mind, and relationships, in my forties than I was in my thirties. (Just turned 44 this week - happy birthday week, birthday week twin!) Part of that is due to my thirties being uniquely terrible in some specific trauma ways that do not happen to most people, but also, I just - for better or worse, know who I am now, what I do and don't want in my life and my relationships, and am so much less willing to put up with nonsense than I used to be, and so much more willing to embrace what brings me joy.
posted by Stacey at 4:47 AM on February 24, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 4:47 AM on February 24, 2023 [6 favorites]
I made a lot of poor and uninformed decisions in my early adulthood, and now that I’m 46, I’m have all the wisdom, balance, and inner stability that comes out of that kind of mess. It’s really awesome.
posted by spindrifter at 5:15 AM on February 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by spindrifter at 5:15 AM on February 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
I’m delighted at being perceived less by the male gaze. They look less, evaluate less, engage less, talk to me less, flirt less, and want less, and it’s such a relief from that bullshit.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:20 AM on February 24, 2023 [10 favorites]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:20 AM on February 24, 2023 [10 favorites]
The older I get (60+) the less I give af about what other people think about me and my choices. It used to be something that bothered me immensely. Being free from that is a huge blessing..
posted by purplesludge at 6:55 AM on February 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by purplesludge at 6:55 AM on February 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
Your dread is based on feeling that you've failed all the milestones you should have hit at 40.
When I was your age, I'd hit all the milestones and life still felt bleh and crap. I still felt like a failure. I didn't dread turning 40 specifically, because milestones had been socially acceptably hit. But the thought of spending 40 more years being that bleh a person made me want to cry.
I had therapy and I figured out why I struggled liking myself. I changed what I wanted to change once I figured out what I really needed and what was missing from my life.
I think in my 30s I was so sure I'd figured out what life was about and now it was merely a matter of executing the right routines. Find job, go to work eat your vegs. Why don't I feel awesome? What's wrong with me?
Anyway, I am 48, I feel comfortably me. I am pleased at how me I am and every day I notice myself giving less of a rat's fart about what other people think and do. There's so much potential to my life. I own my life and I have so much power to do what I want with it.
I'm seriously the happiest I have ever been.
posted by Omnomnom at 6:57 AM on February 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
When I was your age, I'd hit all the milestones and life still felt bleh and crap. I still felt like a failure. I didn't dread turning 40 specifically, because milestones had been socially acceptably hit. But the thought of spending 40 more years being that bleh a person made me want to cry.
I had therapy and I figured out why I struggled liking myself. I changed what I wanted to change once I figured out what I really needed and what was missing from my life.
I think in my 30s I was so sure I'd figured out what life was about and now it was merely a matter of executing the right routines. Find job, go to work eat your vegs. Why don't I feel awesome? What's wrong with me?
Anyway, I am 48, I feel comfortably me. I am pleased at how me I am and every day I notice myself giving less of a rat's fart about what other people think and do. There's so much potential to my life. I own my life and I have so much power to do what I want with it.
I'm seriously the happiest I have ever been.
posted by Omnomnom at 6:57 AM on February 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
Turning 40 kind of rules. I'm 42, and I haven't felt this self-confident since college. Kind of a Nietzschean/Juliana Hatfieldian "become what you are" thing. I guess it depends on your personality, but I've always been kind of an eccentric curmudgeon, but a 25 year old eccentric curmudgeon is just kind of weird. An old eccentric curmudgeon is a lot more socially acceptable. I feel a lot freer to be eccentric and curmudgeonly now, which is nice.
Especially for this generation of nearly-fortysomethings, you've never really not had social media as an adult, and so your whole adult life you've been viewing these idealized images of other people's lives and comparing your own to them. If you're like most people, you found your own lacking in comparison, and that caused distress because you didn't measure up to everyone else's perfect lives. That stops in your 40s. For one thing, "everyone else" stops posting on social media as much, both because they're busy, and because their lives aren't perfect anymore. The people who posted photos of their destination wedding? Now divorced. The people who posted pictures of their adorable babies? That kid now has braces, acne, and a Justin Bieber haircut, and eats a diet consisting of Mountain Dew and Flaming Hot Cheetos. And instead of posting shots of their food from trendy downtown restaurants, now they're getting takeout from Applebee's. Your life doesn't look quite so boring now, in comparison. It might still be boring, but so is everyone else's.
Another cool thing is that you're now too old to go through phases, which means people will stop assuming that you're going through phases. When people in their early 20s get involved in, like, socialist politics, or rugby, or musical theatre, older people assume that they'll "grow out of it". If you're still into that stuff in your 40s, there's no growing out of it; you've grown even more into it. And if you get into something new in your 40s, you're probably not doing it to impress other people. Again, become what you are.
As far as physical aging, gray hair fucking rules. Literally everyone looks cooler with gray hair, and literally all kinds of gray hair look cool. Salt and pepper? Cool. All-white? Cool. One little spot? Also cool. Something to look forward to (and you might not even have to wait until you're 40!).
posted by kevinbelt at 7:16 AM on February 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
Especially for this generation of nearly-fortysomethings, you've never really not had social media as an adult, and so your whole adult life you've been viewing these idealized images of other people's lives and comparing your own to them. If you're like most people, you found your own lacking in comparison, and that caused distress because you didn't measure up to everyone else's perfect lives. That stops in your 40s. For one thing, "everyone else" stops posting on social media as much, both because they're busy, and because their lives aren't perfect anymore. The people who posted photos of their destination wedding? Now divorced. The people who posted pictures of their adorable babies? That kid now has braces, acne, and a Justin Bieber haircut, and eats a diet consisting of Mountain Dew and Flaming Hot Cheetos. And instead of posting shots of their food from trendy downtown restaurants, now they're getting takeout from Applebee's. Your life doesn't look quite so boring now, in comparison. It might still be boring, but so is everyone else's.
Another cool thing is that you're now too old to go through phases, which means people will stop assuming that you're going through phases. When people in their early 20s get involved in, like, socialist politics, or rugby, or musical theatre, older people assume that they'll "grow out of it". If you're still into that stuff in your 40s, there's no growing out of it; you've grown even more into it. And if you get into something new in your 40s, you're probably not doing it to impress other people. Again, become what you are.
As far as physical aging, gray hair fucking rules. Literally everyone looks cooler with gray hair, and literally all kinds of gray hair look cool. Salt and pepper? Cool. All-white? Cool. One little spot? Also cool. Something to look forward to (and you might not even have to wait until you're 40!).
posted by kevinbelt at 7:16 AM on February 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
I don't have any friends in my age group who have sincerely been trying to improve their character who aren't seeing some rewards from that at this point. Nearly everyone is kinder, gentler, more patient, more compassionate, more aware of our interconnectedness. In fact, I think middle age is a glorious window for having the perspective that comes with maturity before having to cope with any cognitive challenges of old age. With kids, without kids (I don't have any), doesn't matter.
Among women, the realization that bad men are simply not worth your time only becomes more widespread as you get older. I hit that milestone early but it's so great seeing the women around me freeing themselves, even if it's a difficult process, and then finding more satisfying and equal relationships, or finding contentment solo.
posted by praemunire at 7:21 AM on February 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
Among women, the realization that bad men are simply not worth your time only becomes more widespread as you get older. I hit that milestone early but it's so great seeing the women around me freeing themselves, even if it's a difficult process, and then finding more satisfying and equal relationships, or finding contentment solo.
posted by praemunire at 7:21 AM on February 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
I'll be 55 in a couple of weeks. Never married and no kids, though I do have an awesome partner for the past 7+ years.
I don't know that anything positive is absolutely guaranteed for everyone with age, but I can report one significant benefit I have experienced as the days and years go by: a more even keel emotionally. Joys are still joyful! Maybe the most giddy highs feel somewhat less so simply because fewer things are truly novel anymore. Shitty things still happen, but they don't knock me as low as they once did, and I find myself able to move on more quickly; I don't have to dwell in the lowest feeling places for as long as I used to. This has honestly been a huge deal. It's not simply just a function of time; it's more that the time allows for learning, if you make the effort to do so. And it is so worth it.
posted by fikri at 7:30 AM on February 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
I don't know that anything positive is absolutely guaranteed for everyone with age, but I can report one significant benefit I have experienced as the days and years go by: a more even keel emotionally. Joys are still joyful! Maybe the most giddy highs feel somewhat less so simply because fewer things are truly novel anymore. Shitty things still happen, but they don't knock me as low as they once did, and I find myself able to move on more quickly; I don't have to dwell in the lowest feeling places for as long as I used to. This has honestly been a huge deal. It's not simply just a function of time; it's more that the time allows for learning, if you make the effort to do so. And it is so worth it.
posted by fikri at 7:30 AM on February 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
I just turned 54. As I look back, I was intentionally masking my need to feel anything by drinking to excess. I became sober at 48. That was a defining moment where I re-forged my thoughts on worth and identity. Those notions became solidified during the early pandemic. What really, really mattered to me? What was my life and happiness worth? Existential questions.
Through mindfulness practice, I have accepted that the only thing that is worth my energy is what is happening in the present. This moment, I fully control. I can think what I want, right now. The past is over. I cannot change it. I can learn from it, and take actions, right now that express my learning. The future is unknown and unknowable. Human beings like things to be predictable. We set goals. We want to achieve something. I get it. However, If I spend so much energy on wishing for different outcomes of incidents in my past or ruminating over what is probably going to happen in a month, I take away energy from being present. From acknowledging this moment. I find joy from doing this. I am honest, candid and transparent with everyone in a way, I think, that is not harsh or judgmental. I do have thoughts based on my experience and those thoughts are valuable. For the longest time, it felt boastful to mention things that I had thought about. I am open, totally open to being wrong and being corrected in my manner of thinking. It is delightful to learn.
So, friend, time is relative to this moment. This is the time to do, be, enjoy. This life is yours to build which is amazing and wonderful. I wish you nothing but happiness and health as you navigate. Be well.
posted by zerobyproxy at 10:57 AM on February 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
Through mindfulness practice, I have accepted that the only thing that is worth my energy is what is happening in the present. This moment, I fully control. I can think what I want, right now. The past is over. I cannot change it. I can learn from it, and take actions, right now that express my learning. The future is unknown and unknowable. Human beings like things to be predictable. We set goals. We want to achieve something. I get it. However, If I spend so much energy on wishing for different outcomes of incidents in my past or ruminating over what is probably going to happen in a month, I take away energy from being present. From acknowledging this moment. I find joy from doing this. I am honest, candid and transparent with everyone in a way, I think, that is not harsh or judgmental. I do have thoughts based on my experience and those thoughts are valuable. For the longest time, it felt boastful to mention things that I had thought about. I am open, totally open to being wrong and being corrected in my manner of thinking. It is delightful to learn.
So, friend, time is relative to this moment. This is the time to do, be, enjoy. This life is yours to build which is amazing and wonderful. I wish you nothing but happiness and health as you navigate. Be well.
posted by zerobyproxy at 10:57 AM on February 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
I asked this question a few years ago, and got some great answers.
posted by rpfields at 12:17 PM on February 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by rpfields at 12:17 PM on February 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
Here's what is for sure going to happen to you in the coming decades: You're going to have new experiences. You can try to make that happen - take a trip to somewhere you've never been, try a new hobby, learn a new skill, change jobs, get a pet. Or you can just keep on doing the same old things and new experiences will come along anyway. A lot of interesting things have happened since I was 38, including the rise of smartphones, the Trump presidency and the pandemic. Aren't you curious to see what unexpected new things will happen over the next decade or two? What if we find life on another planet, or sentient computers appear?
Some of what you experience will be good, some will be bad, some will just be different. But having those experiences is the the whole point of life, if it can be said to have a point. The longer you live, the more you get to see and do. If you have the opportunity to travel to a new place, you'd rather stay for two weeks than two days, so you can see and do more things, right? If a really interesting new TV show comes out, you don't want it to get cancelled after the first season. You want it to keep going so you can find out what happens. That's the way to think about the next few decades of your life.
And all those new experiences are going to give you wisdom. Think about how much you've learned in the last 20 years of your life about yourself and other people and the world around you, not to mention all the practical skills you've picked up. You'll learn just as much in the next 20 years. Everything that happens to you, good, bad or neutral, will help turn you into a wiser person with a broader perspective who is better at getting things done and better able to cope when things get difficult.
Yeah, it would definitely be better if you could keep your body the way it is now during the coming decades. The physical part of aging sucks. But you've still got a lot of time left before your aging body starts keeping you from having fun. I spent my 40's and 50's gradually getting better at skiing and ice skating and now at 60 I'm a lot better at both of those things than I was when I was 38. I know a couple around my age who recently hiked the whole Appalachian Trail. I can't reassure you about what it's like to be 80 with significant physical limitations. I'm dreading that myself. But for the next 20 years you should probably assume your body will keep letting you do pretty much whatever you want.
posted by Redstart at 12:36 PM on February 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
Some of what you experience will be good, some will be bad, some will just be different. But having those experiences is the the whole point of life, if it can be said to have a point. The longer you live, the more you get to see and do. If you have the opportunity to travel to a new place, you'd rather stay for two weeks than two days, so you can see and do more things, right? If a really interesting new TV show comes out, you don't want it to get cancelled after the first season. You want it to keep going so you can find out what happens. That's the way to think about the next few decades of your life.
And all those new experiences are going to give you wisdom. Think about how much you've learned in the last 20 years of your life about yourself and other people and the world around you, not to mention all the practical skills you've picked up. You'll learn just as much in the next 20 years. Everything that happens to you, good, bad or neutral, will help turn you into a wiser person with a broader perspective who is better at getting things done and better able to cope when things get difficult.
Yeah, it would definitely be better if you could keep your body the way it is now during the coming decades. The physical part of aging sucks. But you've still got a lot of time left before your aging body starts keeping you from having fun. I spent my 40's and 50's gradually getting better at skiing and ice skating and now at 60 I'm a lot better at both of those things than I was when I was 38. I know a couple around my age who recently hiked the whole Appalachian Trail. I can't reassure you about what it's like to be 80 with significant physical limitations. I'm dreading that myself. But for the next 20 years you should probably assume your body will keep letting you do pretty much whatever you want.
posted by Redstart at 12:36 PM on February 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
I'm 59. Not gonna lie, my 40s were a shit show. There was, in fact, a lot of death and loss and deterioration. But my 50s? My 50s have been, by and large, great.
What happened? I stopped prioritizing everyone else and tried out prioritizing me. That lead to me spending seven months traveling alone around the US, which then lead to me moving across the country, starting a new career, and etc., etc. If anyone had told me I would do those things when I was 39 I would have thought they were completely batshit. I didn't even know that's what I wanted or needed!
But the return has been tremendous. I'm less anxious now: I know I can do things I never thought I could manage. I know who I am and I like who I am. I don't care anywhere near as much what anyone else thinks of me. Of course things aren't perfect - they never are - but I know, now, that I am so capable of surviving and even thriving through the most miserable of circumstances. Learning that was worth the whole long strange journey up to this point. Twenty years ago, I wasn't looking forward to the next twenty years at all. I thought I'd be hideous and alone and utterly miserable. You know what? I am hideous and alone but I'm not even remotely miserable! In fact it rocks! It's even possible I'm not entirely hideous - but it turns out that doesn't matter when you really don't care, which is such a relief. And, I'm only as alone as I want to be, which for me is quite a lot.
posted by mygothlaundry at 12:45 PM on February 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
What happened? I stopped prioritizing everyone else and tried out prioritizing me. That lead to me spending seven months traveling alone around the US, which then lead to me moving across the country, starting a new career, and etc., etc. If anyone had told me I would do those things when I was 39 I would have thought they were completely batshit. I didn't even know that's what I wanted or needed!
But the return has been tremendous. I'm less anxious now: I know I can do things I never thought I could manage. I know who I am and I like who I am. I don't care anywhere near as much what anyone else thinks of me. Of course things aren't perfect - they never are - but I know, now, that I am so capable of surviving and even thriving through the most miserable of circumstances. Learning that was worth the whole long strange journey up to this point. Twenty years ago, I wasn't looking forward to the next twenty years at all. I thought I'd be hideous and alone and utterly miserable. You know what? I am hideous and alone but I'm not even remotely miserable! In fact it rocks! It's even possible I'm not entirely hideous - but it turns out that doesn't matter when you really don't care, which is such a relief. And, I'm only as alone as I want to be, which for me is quite a lot.
posted by mygothlaundry at 12:45 PM on February 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
Is there anything GOOD that is also (for sure) going to happen, say over the next 10+ years - to either my body or my mind? Talk me off the ledge.
Well nothing in this world will ever be as sure as death, I'm afraid. Even deterioration isn't inevitable--heck I'm healthy and hale but an airplane engine could crash through my apartment roof in the next ten minutes and vaporize me! Probably the best thing you could do for yourself (this seems to be an AskMe theme today) is put in some therapeutic/meditative work on sitting comfortably with uncertainty, instead of seeking the illusion of certainty. Do that, and it will absolutely be a good thing that happens to your mind over 40!
But among things that are like way less certain than death but way more certain than, say, winning a billion dollar lottery, you will very most likely:
-eat at least a few meals that make you briefly happy to be alive
-pet some dogs/cats/rabbits
-meet one or more people who you're glad to know and have know you
-hear at least one really great joke
-hear at least one really great song
Also because I'm petty and awful I must note that yes, while the people you love will die...so will the people you hate. (Even Kissinger, one day, I swear to fucking god. If nothing else, at some point you'll get to see Kissinger die.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:51 PM on February 24, 2023 [6 favorites]
Well nothing in this world will ever be as sure as death, I'm afraid. Even deterioration isn't inevitable--heck I'm healthy and hale but an airplane engine could crash through my apartment roof in the next ten minutes and vaporize me! Probably the best thing you could do for yourself (this seems to be an AskMe theme today) is put in some therapeutic/meditative work on sitting comfortably with uncertainty, instead of seeking the illusion of certainty. Do that, and it will absolutely be a good thing that happens to your mind over 40!
But among things that are like way less certain than death but way more certain than, say, winning a billion dollar lottery, you will very most likely:
-eat at least a few meals that make you briefly happy to be alive
-pet some dogs/cats/rabbits
-meet one or more people who you're glad to know and have know you
-hear at least one really great joke
-hear at least one really great song
Also because I'm petty and awful I must note that yes, while the people you love will die...so will the people you hate. (Even Kissinger, one day, I swear to fucking god. If nothing else, at some point you'll get to see Kissinger die.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:51 PM on February 24, 2023 [6 favorites]
If you're a woman, you'll finally feel the same level of workplace confidence as men. Oh boy!
I turned 40 the same month the world fell apart due to COVID in 2020 so I didn't really have a whole lot of time to dwell on any of it, but I will tell you that while the aches and pains of your 40s are a real thing, it's also not too late to start doing something about those things. Since I've turned 40, I've become a regular flosser (I *NEVER* used to floss, and now I do every day, and I think my teeth are in the best shape of my life) and have also done some physical therapy for knee issues that cropped up around age 38. I need to get back into real PT but restarted the exercises myself at home when 2023 started up and can feel a difference.
Also I agree with others in this thread, my dgaf meter is way up over the last couple of years (I almost never wear makeup anymore, while at 20 I was someone who wouldn't even spend a whole day around the house without a full face of no-makeup makeup on) and it's really satisfying to mostly be ignored by the creepers of the world, even if I don't think I look much different than I did in my 20s. I also intervene now in ways I never would've done when I was younger and have stopped feeling like I have to indulge the obnoxious comments of obnoxious people. Horrible people don't like me? GREAT.
posted by jabes at 1:50 PM on February 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
I turned 40 the same month the world fell apart due to COVID in 2020 so I didn't really have a whole lot of time to dwell on any of it, but I will tell you that while the aches and pains of your 40s are a real thing, it's also not too late to start doing something about those things. Since I've turned 40, I've become a regular flosser (I *NEVER* used to floss, and now I do every day, and I think my teeth are in the best shape of my life) and have also done some physical therapy for knee issues that cropped up around age 38. I need to get back into real PT but restarted the exercises myself at home when 2023 started up and can feel a difference.
Also I agree with others in this thread, my dgaf meter is way up over the last couple of years (I almost never wear makeup anymore, while at 20 I was someone who wouldn't even spend a whole day around the house without a full face of no-makeup makeup on) and it's really satisfying to mostly be ignored by the creepers of the world, even if I don't think I look much different than I did in my 20s. I also intervene now in ways I never would've done when I was younger and have stopped feeling like I have to indulge the obnoxious comments of obnoxious people. Horrible people don't like me? GREAT.
posted by jabes at 1:50 PM on February 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
I'm 62 (waving from the rocking chair on the front porch, crochet hook flying).
Assuming that a meteor doesn't level your home tomorrow, you will certainly have a decade of....
More of the same stuff.
Sorry, but getting older does not mean that the clouds will suddenly part and then you will miraculously receive the golden bounty of wisdom, straight from the hands of your chosen beneficent diety.
Turning 18 didn't make you a stud/babe.
Turning 21 didn't make you a rocket scientist.
Older is not better, or smarter, or kinder.
You still have to work for it, and there are no guarantees.
Here's the thing. At some point, it stops being a big deal.
All those external forces pushing you towards goals that you "have to achieve" to be happy?
You stop listening to them.
And that leaves you with your own wisdom, guided by decades of experience and introspection.
You decide. You make your own goals, forge your own path. You take chances. You make mistakes. You pull yourself up, forgive yourself, and keep moving.
Or not. Once a fool, always... or not. Not every senior adult is wise.
This is a choice.
I choose to be a crone. It's an all-encompassing choice. Jenny Joseph's "Warning" is my anthem.
You can be a crone, too, if you like. Our general esthetic of mild amusement at the self-imposed barriers of others is a dead giveaway.
In other words, who are you going to be in ten years if a meteor does not level your home tomorrow?
Be that person. And happy birthday, you dear young thing! Psychic hugs from the porch, if you want them.
posted by TrishaU at 5:20 PM on February 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
Assuming that a meteor doesn't level your home tomorrow, you will certainly have a decade of....
More of the same stuff.
Sorry, but getting older does not mean that the clouds will suddenly part and then you will miraculously receive the golden bounty of wisdom, straight from the hands of your chosen beneficent diety.
Turning 18 didn't make you a stud/babe.
Turning 21 didn't make you a rocket scientist.
Older is not better, or smarter, or kinder.
You still have to work for it, and there are no guarantees.
Here's the thing. At some point, it stops being a big deal.
All those external forces pushing you towards goals that you "have to achieve" to be happy?
You stop listening to them.
And that leaves you with your own wisdom, guided by decades of experience and introspection.
You decide. You make your own goals, forge your own path. You take chances. You make mistakes. You pull yourself up, forgive yourself, and keep moving.
Or not. Once a fool, always... or not. Not every senior adult is wise.
This is a choice.
I choose to be a crone. It's an all-encompassing choice. Jenny Joseph's "Warning" is my anthem.
You can be a crone, too, if you like. Our general esthetic of mild amusement at the self-imposed barriers of others is a dead giveaway.
In other words, who are you going to be in ten years if a meteor does not level your home tomorrow?
Be that person. And happy birthday, you dear young thing! Psychic hugs from the porch, if you want them.
posted by TrishaU at 5:20 PM on February 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
I can't promise that it's universal, but I've certainly seen that it's widespread among my friends (early 40s to early 50s, mostly): the observable decline in fucks to give. It is powerful. We're all a bunch of weirdos who have lost interest in socially acceptable milestones, and while we complain about our joints and eyesight and a lot of us are dealing with our parents' and other elders' declines, we are easier in who we are, more invested in what's genuinely important to us, and still having fun and finding new things to enjoy.
Life is always a mixed bag and what's in the mix changes with both age and agency. If you don't like the mix, it will change with time, but you can also change it. It might not be easy, but it's interesting. I hope asking this question helped and that you have a happier birthday than you expected!
posted by EvaDestruction at 5:39 PM on February 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
Life is always a mixed bag and what's in the mix changes with both age and agency. If you don't like the mix, it will change with time, but you can also change it. It might not be easy, but it's interesting. I hope asking this question helped and that you have a happier birthday than you expected!
posted by EvaDestruction at 5:39 PM on February 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
There's so much good advice in here. I'm 45 and a lot of what Mizu wrote applies to me too. Do a bit of research on ageism to see how it artificially limits our ideas of what getting older means.
I'm childfree by choice. I know for a fact that if kids and career aren't demanding all your time, that gives you more space for stuff that career-driven and parental folks only wish they had time for. My recommendation is to look into art and nature. They aren't very monetisable, which makes them very fulfilling hobbies and interests. Your body will age, but you can still go to a gallery or a Harry Styles concert, or go for a walk among some trees or along a beach.
And I hate exercise (due to what I now realise were appalling PE teachers), but since I don't want to die early I've been trying to re-learn how to enjoy moving my body. It's... fun? If you do it without the pressure to stay thin and look youthful, but with the goal of being just fit enough to do interesting things when you're 80. I aim to be one of those little old ladies I see at my local cafe catching up with their friends, or walking their dog at the beach, or trying the zipline at the national park. So that means exercising for functional skills, heart rate and lung capacity, not for looking good in Lycra.
posted by harriet vane at 8:59 PM on February 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
I'm childfree by choice. I know for a fact that if kids and career aren't demanding all your time, that gives you more space for stuff that career-driven and parental folks only wish they had time for. My recommendation is to look into art and nature. They aren't very monetisable, which makes them very fulfilling hobbies and interests. Your body will age, but you can still go to a gallery or a Harry Styles concert, or go for a walk among some trees or along a beach.
And I hate exercise (due to what I now realise were appalling PE teachers), but since I don't want to die early I've been trying to re-learn how to enjoy moving my body. It's... fun? If you do it without the pressure to stay thin and look youthful, but with the goal of being just fit enough to do interesting things when you're 80. I aim to be one of those little old ladies I see at my local cafe catching up with their friends, or walking their dog at the beach, or trying the zipline at the national park. So that means exercising for functional skills, heart rate and lung capacity, not for looking good in Lycra.
posted by harriet vane at 8:59 PM on February 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
May I offer you a little perspective? Again, I'm 61 now.
Just yesterday I drove by myself to my favourite river swimming hole, packed a small pipe I'd carved myself from bamboo I'd grown myself with a small bud of green vegetable matter given me by a friend who had grown it himself, smoked it, got in the water naked (nobody else was around), swam lazily upstream for half an hour, then floated on my back in the middle of the river and drifted downstream with the current while sunlight sparkled off the ripples and the trees rustled softly in the gentlest of breezes and the sea eagle who lives near there soared toward fairy floss clouds in the bluest of blue skies, and it occurred to me that I would ten times rather be right here right now than on the most super of superyachts that ever yachted a super.
40 seems like a lifetime ago.
posted by flabdablet at 9:56 PM on February 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
Just yesterday I drove by myself to my favourite river swimming hole, packed a small pipe I'd carved myself from bamboo I'd grown myself with a small bud of green vegetable matter given me by a friend who had grown it himself, smoked it, got in the water naked (nobody else was around), swam lazily upstream for half an hour, then floated on my back in the middle of the river and drifted downstream with the current while sunlight sparkled off the ripples and the trees rustled softly in the gentlest of breezes and the sea eagle who lives near there soared toward fairy floss clouds in the bluest of blue skies, and it occurred to me that I would ten times rather be right here right now than on the most super of superyachts that ever yachted a super.
40 seems like a lifetime ago.
posted by flabdablet at 9:56 PM on February 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
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Anticipating 40 was wretched. There was something freeing about getting past the age where you can pretend to be young.
Ageism is terrible and really does a number on us. Midlife is still life.
And the best way to age well is to feel okay about aging. So it’s worth it to cultivate that. And soon you’re going to realize that 40 is still pretty young. Hang in there.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:44 PM on February 23, 2023 [23 favorites]