Born forty...
September 23, 2014 1:56 AM Subscribe
How to feel (and look, actually) younger?!
Hey hivemind, I am approaching my next birthday and I have this problem where I am technically young but I always feel OLDER!! And I worry about aging a lot!! Some of this worry is productive - so it motivates me to wear sunscreen, but I need your help! How do I FEEL younger?? Is this a common problem? To be always feeling like you are 5 years older than your actual age? Also do you guys have any anti-aging tips both for your 'inner self' (sorry) and your outer appearance? Thank you
Hey hivemind, I am approaching my next birthday and I have this problem where I am technically young but I always feel OLDER!! And I worry about aging a lot!! Some of this worry is productive - so it motivates me to wear sunscreen, but I need your help! How do I FEEL younger?? Is this a common problem? To be always feeling like you are 5 years older than your actual age? Also do you guys have any anti-aging tips both for your 'inner self' (sorry) and your outer appearance? Thank you
I have the opposite thing I think, where I feel 'young' in many ways, even though I'm 34. (I am responsible and not a perma-adolescent, don't worry!)
I think for me, it entails
-Remaining open minded and being up for trying new things and going to new places (while having the benefit of experience to dismiss some bad things outright)
-Allowing yourself playfulness and silliness (you do not have to be 'stupid' to be either of these things)
-Personally I enjoy fashion and costuming as it relates to art, transformation and identity so my clothes perhaps throw a lot of people off and they judge me to be younger than I am
-Learning new stuff all the time (even though sometimes it is humbling to realise how much you don't know)
-I am very pale so have always stayed out of the sun, it's been great for my skin but I don't know, most people want to enjoy beaches and sea fun while they're young, you're not supposed to be preserving yourself immaculately but living your life fully!
-Going to the gym and doing physical stuff every so often so I can be like 'yeah! I can DO stuff with this body! I'm just as able now as I was at 22!'
Other than that, I'd like to ask how old you are? Because I think ageing, weirdly, can be quite worrying when you're very young (like under 25) because then 30 seems SUPER OLD. And I'd totally bought into women being on the sexual scrapheap by 27 and boring middle-agedness of nesting and ikea visits. But it just hasn't been my experience; your body just doesn't change that much (barring children perhaps), you still look 'young' for far longer than you think, you remain vital with cool interests, as you age you get more informed, more savvy, more aware, it's cool. What is it exactly that is making you anxious about ageing though?
posted by everydayanewday at 2:19 AM on September 23, 2014 [6 favorites]
I think for me, it entails
-Remaining open minded and being up for trying new things and going to new places (while having the benefit of experience to dismiss some bad things outright)
-Allowing yourself playfulness and silliness (you do not have to be 'stupid' to be either of these things)
-Personally I enjoy fashion and costuming as it relates to art, transformation and identity so my clothes perhaps throw a lot of people off and they judge me to be younger than I am
-Learning new stuff all the time (even though sometimes it is humbling to realise how much you don't know)
-I am very pale so have always stayed out of the sun, it's been great for my skin but I don't know, most people want to enjoy beaches and sea fun while they're young, you're not supposed to be preserving yourself immaculately but living your life fully!
-Going to the gym and doing physical stuff every so often so I can be like 'yeah! I can DO stuff with this body! I'm just as able now as I was at 22!'
Other than that, I'd like to ask how old you are? Because I think ageing, weirdly, can be quite worrying when you're very young (like under 25) because then 30 seems SUPER OLD. And I'd totally bought into women being on the sexual scrapheap by 27 and boring middle-agedness of nesting and ikea visits. But it just hasn't been my experience; your body just doesn't change that much (barring children perhaps), you still look 'young' for far longer than you think, you remain vital with cool interests, as you age you get more informed, more savvy, more aware, it's cool. What is it exactly that is making you anxious about ageing though?
posted by everydayanewday at 2:19 AM on September 23, 2014 [6 favorites]
One observation I have made is that that the disparity between how old a person is and how old they appear is not one of a "widening gulf". Instead it seems that different people have different times in their life when they seem older or younger. I am a man who started go go bald in my early twenties, for example. I worried then that this made me look middle-aged before my time. But now, in my 40s, I guess I have had much more time to become at ease with the way I look - and perhaps that makes me appear younger than newly balding worriers of my cohort. In terms of looks my take would be "control what you can, learn to celebrate what you can't, remember you are probably a harsher judge of your looks than are others and actively seek out more productive things to worry about".
The same varying disparity applies to behaviours too: I know some people who spent their twenties knuckling down to corporate life, paying a mortgage dilligently, worrying about their gardens and behaving like they were approaching their dotage. But then (usually after the breakup of a relationship) - they went on to be more experimental and less conventional than they had been before. This changeability extends to those beyond retirement age who manage to achieve a youthful openness and vitality. Look back at photos of these people taken over the years and I will bet you will notice two things - firstly there will be many distinct phases (they have been around, have tried many things and failed at not a few). Secondly there will be some phases where the zesty older person who is not in front of you looked a little stodgy. So I guess my advice here would be: "try new things, treat failure as a teacher rather than an enemy, hang out with those who are young and young at heart. And change your mind! - we all have a bunch of beliefs we carry about which are past their sell-by date - chuck em out!"
posted by rongorongo at 2:51 AM on September 23, 2014 [4 favorites]
The same varying disparity applies to behaviours too: I know some people who spent their twenties knuckling down to corporate life, paying a mortgage dilligently, worrying about their gardens and behaving like they were approaching their dotage. But then (usually after the breakup of a relationship) - they went on to be more experimental and less conventional than they had been before. This changeability extends to those beyond retirement age who manage to achieve a youthful openness and vitality. Look back at photos of these people taken over the years and I will bet you will notice two things - firstly there will be many distinct phases (they have been around, have tried many things and failed at not a few). Secondly there will be some phases where the zesty older person who is not in front of you looked a little stodgy. So I guess my advice here would be: "try new things, treat failure as a teacher rather than an enemy, hang out with those who are young and young at heart. And change your mind! - we all have a bunch of beliefs we carry about which are past their sell-by date - chuck em out!"
posted by rongorongo at 2:51 AM on September 23, 2014 [4 favorites]
Make friends with people older than yourself. Not only will it lead to you fearing ageing less , when you see how cool your friends are, but you will feel young in comparison to them.
posted by lollusc at 2:52 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by lollusc at 2:52 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
The only way to feel young is to absolutely not give a shit about what anyone else thinks of you. This means you have to go back to your mindset when you were about 8 or so. Everything after that is just costuming. And stay open to new stuff. That's pretty key, too.
posted by h00py at 3:12 AM on September 23, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by h00py at 3:12 AM on September 23, 2014 [7 favorites]
Here are three things I am trying to do in order to stay young:
- never stop learning and being curious
- accept change and "be water", adjust to change as fluidly as I can
- quote Bruce Lee whenever possible
posted by greenish at 3:57 AM on September 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
- never stop learning and being curious
- accept change and "be water", adjust to change as fluidly as I can
- quote Bruce Lee whenever possible
posted by greenish at 3:57 AM on September 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
How do I FEEL younger??
Don't fight aging; it's an immature thing to do. Embrace it. It has many positive aspects.
posted by kmennie at 4:31 AM on September 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
Don't fight aging; it's an immature thing to do. Embrace it. It has many positive aspects.
posted by kmennie at 4:31 AM on September 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
The only way to feel young is to absolutely not give a shit about what anyone else thinks of you.
In my experience, worrying excessively about what other people think of you is actually pretty characteristic of younger people. It's when you get older that you stop giving a shit.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:22 AM on September 23, 2014 [15 favorites]
In my experience, worrying excessively about what other people think of you is actually pretty characteristic of younger people. It's when you get older that you stop giving a shit.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:22 AM on September 23, 2014 [15 favorites]
Regular exercise helps one "feel" better, where "better" can be interpreted as "young".
Also, this stuff works wonders.
posted by Thorzdad at 6:14 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also, this stuff works wonders.
posted by Thorzdad at 6:14 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
Let go of any grudges, bitterness, resentments. Lose your baggage at the metaphorical airport. Don't sweat the small stuff, etc.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:39 AM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:39 AM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
I recommend reading Penelope Lively's memoir Ammonites and Leaping Fish, especially the first chapter in which she talks about life from the perspective of an 80 year old. One of the things she said that stuck with me is that as you age your personality does not change. Yeah, your priorities, interests and activities change over time, but you are still you.
Also, whether you are young or old is not defined by what you do or how you act, it is defined only in relation to other people who are older or younger than you. Liberate yourself from the comparison. Embrace the age that you are, the ages you have been, and the ages you will be.
Otherwise: wear sunscreen, exercise, sleep eight hours a night and get yourself a well fitted bra.
posted by dumdidumdum at 6:39 AM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
Also, whether you are young or old is not defined by what you do or how you act, it is defined only in relation to other people who are older or younger than you. Liberate yourself from the comparison. Embrace the age that you are, the ages you have been, and the ages you will be.
Otherwise: wear sunscreen, exercise, sleep eight hours a night and get yourself a well fitted bra.
posted by dumdidumdum at 6:39 AM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'm also curious by what you mean exactly by "feeling old." Is it a physical thing or a mental thing?
Mentally I've always been kind of "mature" (my mom always likes to joke that I was never a kid and went straight from age 4 to adult). But even then I still don't really feel all that old and still have a lot of fun with life. I think worrying about the proper "correct" way to act your age makes people older than anything else. Have a good time with life, do whatever is fun to you and don't worry about what people think or what is the right way to do things.
posted by Kimmalah at 7:05 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
Mentally I've always been kind of "mature" (my mom always likes to joke that I was never a kid and went straight from age 4 to adult). But even then I still don't really feel all that old and still have a lot of fun with life. I think worrying about the proper "correct" way to act your age makes people older than anything else. Have a good time with life, do whatever is fun to you and don't worry about what people think or what is the right way to do things.
posted by Kimmalah at 7:05 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
I actually am getting older (although it's all relative - I'm 47). And I can tell you that I never feel old. I go kayaking, I read, I go to concerts, I play music, I travel, I laugh - my life is just like it was 20 years ago except that it's a lot better because I have money and confidence now.
The only time I feel a little bit old is when I have a health issue of some kind. If my doctor says "Yep, your prostate is starting to get a little bigger" or if I'm playing tennis and I can't get to the ball as quickly as I feel like I should be able to. In other words, I think it's pretty easy to keep a young mind, but keeping a young body is a lot harder. So if you want to stay young as long as possible, the best thing you can do is eat really well and exercise. It's the most cliche advice ever - but cliches are cliches for a reason.
But at the same time, accept that no matter what you do you're going to age. I mean jack lalanne eventually got old and died. You can't work out enough to stop it. So enjoy the ride. It's fun. Every decade (so far) is totally awesome in its own way.
posted by crapples at 8:43 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
The only time I feel a little bit old is when I have a health issue of some kind. If my doctor says "Yep, your prostate is starting to get a little bigger" or if I'm playing tennis and I can't get to the ball as quickly as I feel like I should be able to. In other words, I think it's pretty easy to keep a young mind, but keeping a young body is a lot harder. So if you want to stay young as long as possible, the best thing you can do is eat really well and exercise. It's the most cliche advice ever - but cliches are cliches for a reason.
But at the same time, accept that no matter what you do you're going to age. I mean jack lalanne eventually got old and died. You can't work out enough to stop it. So enjoy the ride. It's fun. Every decade (so far) is totally awesome in its own way.
posted by crapples at 8:43 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
For the last decade or so I've made an effort to round my age off to the nearest multiple of five. So I started thinking of myself as 45 around when I turned 43, and that continued until I was around 47, at which point I started thinking of myself as being about 50.
It may sound silly, but it helped blunt any potential impact of those milestone birthdays. If you act like you don't care, it helps you not care.
posted by alms at 9:08 AM on September 23, 2014
It may sound silly, but it helped blunt any potential impact of those milestone birthdays. If you act like you don't care, it helps you not care.
posted by alms at 9:08 AM on September 23, 2014
If you've got the right hair for a fringe, get a fringe.
posted by tanktop at 9:52 AM on September 23, 2014
posted by tanktop at 9:52 AM on September 23, 2014
Wear sunscreen, don't smoke, don't let weight creep up on you, and get exercise. These things won't stop aging, but UV rays, smoking, slowing packing on fat, and being sedentary are the main ways that people accelerate aging and invite unnecessary health problems.
posted by the jam at 10:17 AM on September 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by the jam at 10:17 AM on September 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
It also helps to not compare yourself to others or benchmark years to particular milestones. The people who seem the oldest are the ones who say, I have to finish college at 22, then get engaged by 24, then married at 25, first baby at 27, then a house before my 30th. Fixating on all those numbers has a way of throwing off the odometer.
posted by mochapickle at 10:52 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by mochapickle at 10:52 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
When my lifestyle gets a bit more (aerobically) active, my body adapts, gets fitter, and one day I discover that I've gained a spring in my step, I have more energy on tap than I need, and I just feel physically great.
Throw in some hair dye to either have some wild colour or cover encroaching grays (or both), and there you go. :)
Don't get fit at the gym (or perhaps; don't get fit JUST at the gym), have some part of your life be active. Hit the clubs and dance all night, or get good at a sport, or cycle to work, whatever. Make it something fun - you're too busy for another chore.
posted by anonymisc at 10:54 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
Throw in some hair dye to either have some wild colour or cover encroaching grays (or both), and there you go. :)
Don't get fit at the gym (or perhaps; don't get fit JUST at the gym), have some part of your life be active. Hit the clubs and dance all night, or get good at a sport, or cycle to work, whatever. Make it something fun - you're too busy for another chore.
posted by anonymisc at 10:54 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
Physically, I stay out of the sun, wear sunscreen, and take care of my skin. I also make sure I get enough rest and eat well. I keep my wardrobe/appearance updated and don't shrink away from style.
Mentally, I engage with new things and develop new interests at a fairly contact clip. I'm curious and like to dive deep into new things. I also have a friend group that includes people 20+years older than me and 20+ years younger than me (I'm 41).
I also don't view aging as the enemy. I embrace it and don't lie about it or try to misrepresent it. People are often surprised when I tell them my age because I guess I appear and act "younger". But, the older I get, the more I find that age doesn't really matter much at all.
Based on an earlier question you asked, it sounds like you're in your early 20's? I felt older than I was at that age as well. When I hit my 30's, I felt far more in my skin and far less concerned with age-based expectations. Try to put some of those age-expectation anxieties on the back burner and concentrate on being comfortable moving through time. Struggling against it is a waste of time and totally ineffective anyway.
posted by quince at 11:27 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
Mentally, I engage with new things and develop new interests at a fairly contact clip. I'm curious and like to dive deep into new things. I also have a friend group that includes people 20+years older than me and 20+ years younger than me (I'm 41).
I also don't view aging as the enemy. I embrace it and don't lie about it or try to misrepresent it. People are often surprised when I tell them my age because I guess I appear and act "younger". But, the older I get, the more I find that age doesn't really matter much at all.
Based on an earlier question you asked, it sounds like you're in your early 20's? I felt older than I was at that age as well. When I hit my 30's, I felt far more in my skin and far less concerned with age-based expectations. Try to put some of those age-expectation anxieties on the back burner and concentrate on being comfortable moving through time. Struggling against it is a waste of time and totally ineffective anyway.
posted by quince at 11:27 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also, I would tell you to not worry about worrying about aging. People like to either avoid the subject or go way out of their way to tell you how totally and completely ok they are with it. And then you end up feeling bad for worrying about it. Here's the thing: EVERYONE worries about it (or has seriously worried about it). There are entire branches of psychology devoted to studying the ways that humans handle the knowledge about aging and death. There is nothing weird about you being distraught by this. It's the Human Condition™. In fact, it's courageous of you to bring it up with others and not just secretly toss and turn in bed about it at 1am.
posted by the jam at 12:58 PM on September 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by the jam at 12:58 PM on September 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
Stay on the lookout for amazing older people whom you can "bookmark" as aging-mentors - Jane Goodall is someone who leaps to mind, as she is beautiful, funny, eloquent, and an effective activist. Bill McKibben, who is not that old but still! Bill Moyers. John McCain's mother; Bunny Mellon; Pete and Toshi Seeger. Etc. Not the top-ten lists generated by HuffPo and other such sites, but observe and choose for yourself.
posted by mmiddle at 1:16 PM on September 23, 2014
posted by mmiddle at 1:16 PM on September 23, 2014
When I was in my teens and twenties, I looked very young for my age. Because of that, there were all kinds of things I never wore or did, because I didn't want to look twelve. For example no graphic tees, no mary-jane style shoes, no wacky hair colors, no peter pan collars, etc.
Now that I'm in my 30s, I don't have that same "oh are you visiting your dad at work today?" problem. So all that stuff I refused when I was 22 is back on the table. It all makes me feel a little more youthful. Hopefully my teal hair doesn't put me in some kind of "mutton dressed like lamb" territory, but if so, meh.
Also, I know a few people who have that "born 40" thing going on, and they just embrace it and it's great. Wear a cardigan! Watch old movies! Read the New Yorker. Offer people Werther's Originals!
posted by Sara C. at 1:33 PM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
Now that I'm in my 30s, I don't have that same "oh are you visiting your dad at work today?" problem. So all that stuff I refused when I was 22 is back on the table. It all makes me feel a little more youthful. Hopefully my teal hair doesn't put me in some kind of "mutton dressed like lamb" territory, but if so, meh.
Also, I know a few people who have that "born 40" thing going on, and they just embrace it and it's great. Wear a cardigan! Watch old movies! Read the New Yorker. Offer people Werther's Originals!
posted by Sara C. at 1:33 PM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
No offense, but it seems from your posting history that you have a lot of generalized anxiety. Getting that under control would probably help a lot with the specific anxiety re: aging. And not being so stressed out all the damn time will help tons with feeling younger. To this end, I suggest finding a good therapist who can help you work through all of this.
posted by anaelith at 4:53 AM on September 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by anaelith at 4:53 AM on September 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:59 AM on September 23, 2014