How to give room to a friend
January 6, 2023 1:38 PM Subscribe
I have a very close friend who is very overwhelmed. I understand that. But at the same time..
I'm a little hurt.
She works full-time in a professional position, which means too much OT. She has 2 children, aged 1 and 4. Both have been sick lately. She's in a very hard marriage. She has so many balls in the air, and she's doing her best to catch them all. I've been there, and I know it's impossible (my kids are much old but I've been there). She's doing her best.
I'm supporting as much I can. We don't live close by, and she is also completely resistant to help. I've offered to take the kids many times, but she doesn't want to impose. We had a weekend event in November and we got a hotel. I offered to get up with the kids, and take them for breakfast (just in the hotel) so she could have some time to herself, a long shower etc. She said, "that's not fair to you". (seriously woman, I can nap later, let me help you!)
But at the same time, I had a health issue that was causing a lot of stress (as in major surgery possibility, with a long recovery time). I got news on Wednesday about it. Sent her a quick positive update. And the reply was 2 days later, worded in such a way that I felt very insignificant.
Please understand, I'm not criticizing her. My ball is small and less important than her kids, work etc. Other balls can't be dropped. Mine can.
There's nothing I can say because no matter what I say, it's a criticism and it shouldn't be. When my mother was dying, she dropped everything to be with my kids. If I need that level of support right now, she'd be there.
So, how do you comfort yourself, when something hurt, but you know that's it's not something that can be addressed in any meaningful way. I don't want to pile on to her. But I need to let this go, and Im finding it hard.
I'm a little hurt.
She works full-time in a professional position, which means too much OT. She has 2 children, aged 1 and 4. Both have been sick lately. She's in a very hard marriage. She has so many balls in the air, and she's doing her best to catch them all. I've been there, and I know it's impossible (my kids are much old but I've been there). She's doing her best.
I'm supporting as much I can. We don't live close by, and she is also completely resistant to help. I've offered to take the kids many times, but she doesn't want to impose. We had a weekend event in November and we got a hotel. I offered to get up with the kids, and take them for breakfast (just in the hotel) so she could have some time to herself, a long shower etc. She said, "that's not fair to you". (seriously woman, I can nap later, let me help you!)
But at the same time, I had a health issue that was causing a lot of stress (as in major surgery possibility, with a long recovery time). I got news on Wednesday about it. Sent her a quick positive update. And the reply was 2 days later, worded in such a way that I felt very insignificant.
Please understand, I'm not criticizing her. My ball is small and less important than her kids, work etc. Other balls can't be dropped. Mine can.
There's nothing I can say because no matter what I say, it's a criticism and it shouldn't be. When my mother was dying, she dropped everything to be with my kids. If I need that level of support right now, she'd be there.
So, how do you comfort yourself, when something hurt, but you know that's it's not something that can be addressed in any meaningful way. I don't want to pile on to her. But I need to let this go, and Im finding it hard.
I think writing this question will help. Letting someone know about what you're feeling can make it like they're out in the world and a bit smaller, or at least not swelling inside threatening to explode.
Is there a trusted person you can vent to?
Some people find letter writing or journalling cathartic.
Or physically letting it out with intense exercise or a good cry.
posted by freethefeet at 2:02 PM on January 6, 2023 [1 favorite]
Is there a trusted person you can vent to?
Some people find letter writing or journalling cathartic.
Or physically letting it out with intense exercise or a good cry.
posted by freethefeet at 2:02 PM on January 6, 2023 [1 favorite]
For me, remembering a time when I was very stressed/consumed with myself and fell short of being an excellent friend or partner helps me really internalize that it isn't personal.
posted by coffeecat at 2:30 PM on January 6, 2023 [18 favorites]
posted by coffeecat at 2:30 PM on January 6, 2023 [18 favorites]
Okay, friend, I know this hurts. But also, you sent her a "quick, positive update." Is it possible that your busy friend didn't read between the lines that this was very important to you? Perhaps she felt relieved by the news and didn't convey that immediately. I'm not saying this to suggest your feelings are wrong, but I also know, as a busy single working mom, that two days seems like a pretty quick response when you are busy.
But also, sometimes things are "okay," in that sense that no one is violating a major relationship agreement or did anything specifically harmful, and they certainly had no intent to harm, and yet those things hurt anyway. Working through this, for me, means not denying my feelings.
"I need to let this go" is sorta like, "I'm going to ignore the big blue elephant in the corner" versus "Oh, wow, that really hurt my feelings, so I think I'll sit with that for a bit," which is more like, "Oh wow look at that blue elephant." Because you can't help but feel the feelings or see the elephant, and pretending you don't doesn't make either thing, the feelings or elephant, go away any faster.
One thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is sitting in discomfort. Sometimes when we are emotionally uncomfortable, we want to fix it, like it's a splinter to be removed. But just your thumb can still hurt after you remove the splinter, our hurt feelings can linger, and we might just to have wait it out.
Keeping busy, watching a silly movie, doing some hard exercise, taking a nice shower: all these things help move things along too.
Also, you said you are looking for ways to support your friend, like taking her kids. Maybe the very best way to support her is the way that's actually the hardest: extending her some grace.
Good luck to you with your health situation, and take care.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:32 PM on January 6, 2023 [31 favorites]
But also, sometimes things are "okay," in that sense that no one is violating a major relationship agreement or did anything specifically harmful, and they certainly had no intent to harm, and yet those things hurt anyway. Working through this, for me, means not denying my feelings.
"I need to let this go" is sorta like, "I'm going to ignore the big blue elephant in the corner" versus "Oh, wow, that really hurt my feelings, so I think I'll sit with that for a bit," which is more like, "Oh wow look at that blue elephant." Because you can't help but feel the feelings or see the elephant, and pretending you don't doesn't make either thing, the feelings or elephant, go away any faster.
One thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is sitting in discomfort. Sometimes when we are emotionally uncomfortable, we want to fix it, like it's a splinter to be removed. But just your thumb can still hurt after you remove the splinter, our hurt feelings can linger, and we might just to have wait it out.
Keeping busy, watching a silly movie, doing some hard exercise, taking a nice shower: all these things help move things along too.
Also, you said you are looking for ways to support your friend, like taking her kids. Maybe the very best way to support her is the way that's actually the hardest: extending her some grace.
Good luck to you with your health situation, and take care.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:32 PM on January 6, 2023 [31 favorites]
My heart goes out to you both: her because she's in an impossible situation, and you because you really miss your friend.
You say this: My ball is small and less important than her kids, work etc. Other balls can't be dropped. Mine can."
I would argue for some reframing. It's not that your life and problems are any less "important" than hers. Your life and problems, however big or small, are equally important. It's just, as you said, that hers are so out of control right now that she can only focus on surviving.
"So, how do you comfort yourself, when something hurt, but you know that's it's not something that can be addressed in any meaningful way. I don't want to pile on to her. But I need to let this go, and Im finding it hard."
You just do it. And you do it on your own, like by writing here or talking to another friend or a therapist. You have permission to be sad and even disappointed! You also have permission to set away from the friendship if you feel your needs are being completely ignored. You seem resentful that she's not accepting your help: maybe she doesn't want it because it's not what she needs. Maybe she senses that resentment and doesn't want to feel like she owes you anything. Maybe she's just so disappointed with herself for not being a better friend right now. Honestly, it sounds like her life is pure hell and there's nothing she can do other than get through things minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day. I don't think you're bad or wrong to feel this way but I think simply accepting the discomfort and mixed feelings might be the best way to proceed for now. Your heart is in the right place!
posted by smorgasbord at 2:57 PM on January 6, 2023 [3 favorites]
You say this: My ball is small and less important than her kids, work etc. Other balls can't be dropped. Mine can."
I would argue for some reframing. It's not that your life and problems are any less "important" than hers. Your life and problems, however big or small, are equally important. It's just, as you said, that hers are so out of control right now that she can only focus on surviving.
"So, how do you comfort yourself, when something hurt, but you know that's it's not something that can be addressed in any meaningful way. I don't want to pile on to her. But I need to let this go, and Im finding it hard."
You just do it. And you do it on your own, like by writing here or talking to another friend or a therapist. You have permission to be sad and even disappointed! You also have permission to set away from the friendship if you feel your needs are being completely ignored. You seem resentful that she's not accepting your help: maybe she doesn't want it because it's not what she needs. Maybe she senses that resentment and doesn't want to feel like she owes you anything. Maybe she's just so disappointed with herself for not being a better friend right now. Honestly, it sounds like her life is pure hell and there's nothing she can do other than get through things minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day. I don't think you're bad or wrong to feel this way but I think simply accepting the discomfort and mixed feelings might be the best way to proceed for now. Your heart is in the right place!
posted by smorgasbord at 2:57 PM on January 6, 2023 [3 favorites]
bluedaisy said it perfectly right here: "Also, you said you are looking for ways to support your friend, like taking her kids. Maybe the very best way to support her is the way that's actually the hardest: extending her some grace."
Yes, yes, YES!!
posted by smorgasbord at 2:58 PM on January 6, 2023 [12 favorites]
Yes, yes, YES!!
posted by smorgasbord at 2:58 PM on January 6, 2023 [12 favorites]
One reason this is probably hurting more than it might otherwise is because you don't have a lot of people you're this close with. Expanding or deepening your other relationships might make it easier in the long run.
In the short run try the same sorts of self-comfort things you might if you had a breakup: massages, comfort food, warm baths, cheesy movies, etc.
posted by metasarah at 3:52 PM on January 6, 2023 [1 favorite]
In the short run try the same sorts of self-comfort things you might if you had a breakup: massages, comfort food, warm baths, cheesy movies, etc.
posted by metasarah at 3:52 PM on January 6, 2023 [1 favorite]
It's okay to be sad and unhappy and even angry that she can't provide you this support right now. It's okay. Feel your feelings.
posted by spiderbeforesunset at 4:08 PM on January 6, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by spiderbeforesunset at 4:08 PM on January 6, 2023 [3 favorites]
What smorgasbord said.
"You say this: My ball is small and less important than her kids, work etc. Other balls can't be dropped. Mine can."
Yup, this. I have been feeling Resentful towards a few friends lately. One of them is in this category--two small children, shitty ex-husband, health problems, broke, PTSD, etc. I got really ticky when she actually wanted to get together! Didn't have the kids for 10 days!...and then was still too tired to get together (at 9 a.m. she's too tired to see me at 2) and flaked on every plan. I haven't seen her since April and we literally don't operate on the same timeline (she's a baker, I do theater, she said it was the sun and the moon) and she doesn't do a whole lot of communication when not in person, which is why I get so frustrated at the lack of in person.
I had to give up. I had to realize it ain't gonna happen. She can't be there for me even a little bit really, everything is too messed up for her for that. The magic words "two small children" mean that literally everything else is trumped. You were probably lucky she had enough juice to text days later. I am giving up hope on mine. If it ever happens, she's gonna have to make it happen SOMEHOW, I'm not putting any more frustrated energy into trying to make things work. Love ya from a distance, without hope or expectation a la Love Actually. Me taking action and getting rejected pisses me off, so I'm not going to take action any more. It's on the other people to initiate if they want to now. Try to get what you need from other people, but stop trying to get it from her. It's not available to you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:28 PM on January 6, 2023 [4 favorites]
"You say this: My ball is small and less important than her kids, work etc. Other balls can't be dropped. Mine can."
Yup, this. I have been feeling Resentful towards a few friends lately. One of them is in this category--two small children, shitty ex-husband, health problems, broke, PTSD, etc. I got really ticky when she actually wanted to get together! Didn't have the kids for 10 days!...and then was still too tired to get together (at 9 a.m. she's too tired to see me at 2) and flaked on every plan. I haven't seen her since April and we literally don't operate on the same timeline (she's a baker, I do theater, she said it was the sun and the moon) and she doesn't do a whole lot of communication when not in person, which is why I get so frustrated at the lack of in person.
I had to give up. I had to realize it ain't gonna happen. She can't be there for me even a little bit really, everything is too messed up for her for that. The magic words "two small children" mean that literally everything else is trumped. You were probably lucky she had enough juice to text days later. I am giving up hope on mine. If it ever happens, she's gonna have to make it happen SOMEHOW, I'm not putting any more frustrated energy into trying to make things work. Love ya from a distance, without hope or expectation a la Love Actually. Me taking action and getting rejected pisses me off, so I'm not going to take action any more. It's on the other people to initiate if they want to now. Try to get what you need from other people, but stop trying to get it from her. It's not available to you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:28 PM on January 6, 2023 [4 favorites]
I think you're doing some things here that are gumming up the works a bit:
One, you're comparing balls, the size, who has more in the air. It's not helpful, because everyone has their own capacity and habits.
Two, you're imposing what you would want in a crisis onto your friend. When you were in crisis, your friend dropped everything and rode to the rescue. So you're assuming she would need that.
But what if she doesn't? What if she needs to cocoon, knuckle down, come up for air later? Maybe that's her coping style.
It's like when I have a cold, I don't crave chicken soup, even though that's The Thing for a Cold. It kinda icks me out. If someone repeatedly shoves chicken soup at me, because they enjoy chicken soup when they're sick, despite me turning it down, I'm going to bristle and feel bewildered.
Maybe your friend isn't a metaphorical chicken soup person, and you're offering it and offering it.
You can ask her, but I suspect what she needs is to just get through this time in her way, and not feel like she has to eat the chicken soup to make you feel helpful.
posted by champers at 4:26 AM on January 7, 2023 [2 favorites]
One, you're comparing balls, the size, who has more in the air. It's not helpful, because everyone has their own capacity and habits.
Two, you're imposing what you would want in a crisis onto your friend. When you were in crisis, your friend dropped everything and rode to the rescue. So you're assuming she would need that.
But what if she doesn't? What if she needs to cocoon, knuckle down, come up for air later? Maybe that's her coping style.
It's like when I have a cold, I don't crave chicken soup, even though that's The Thing for a Cold. It kinda icks me out. If someone repeatedly shoves chicken soup at me, because they enjoy chicken soup when they're sick, despite me turning it down, I'm going to bristle and feel bewildered.
Maybe your friend isn't a metaphorical chicken soup person, and you're offering it and offering it.
You can ask her, but I suspect what she needs is to just get through this time in her way, and not feel like she has to eat the chicken soup to make you feel helpful.
posted by champers at 4:26 AM on January 7, 2023 [2 favorites]
For me, remembering a time when I was very stressed/consumed with myself and fell short of being an excellent friend or partner helps me really internalize that it isn't personal.
Oh my gosh, this. In 2018/2019, I had to put my dog down, my partner had a TBI and turned into a new (terrible) person, I started a traumatic divorce that had me fighting to keep from being evicted from my own house, I had surgery while living thousands of miles away from my support network, ... I mean it just went on and on and on. I shudder to think at how unaware I was of my surroundings, and that includes my friends who by their own grace and fortitude managed to be stabilizing, comforting forces of nature for me and endure my inability to be there for them. I have a very jumbled memory of that period, but I thank my friends' understanding privately every day of my life (and publicly when the circumstances allow).
You're doing the good thing. Let it sting. Let it hurt your feelings. Feel those hurt feelings. And you know what? When your friend is in a more stable position in life, ask her about it. Take the time to feel what you're feeling, and don't feel the need to bury those feelings. Share your burden with your other trusted friends and family who can be there for you in this way while your friend cannot. There will come a time when you can revisit this and your friend can help you repair the wound, however small it may seem.
A thousand blessings upon you for being there for your friend.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:28 AM on January 7, 2023 [3 favorites]
Oh my gosh, this. In 2018/2019, I had to put my dog down, my partner had a TBI and turned into a new (terrible) person, I started a traumatic divorce that had me fighting to keep from being evicted from my own house, I had surgery while living thousands of miles away from my support network, ... I mean it just went on and on and on. I shudder to think at how unaware I was of my surroundings, and that includes my friends who by their own grace and fortitude managed to be stabilizing, comforting forces of nature for me and endure my inability to be there for them. I have a very jumbled memory of that period, but I thank my friends' understanding privately every day of my life (and publicly when the circumstances allow).
You're doing the good thing. Let it sting. Let it hurt your feelings. Feel those hurt feelings. And you know what? When your friend is in a more stable position in life, ask her about it. Take the time to feel what you're feeling, and don't feel the need to bury those feelings. Share your burden with your other trusted friends and family who can be there for you in this way while your friend cannot. There will come a time when you can revisit this and your friend can help you repair the wound, however small it may seem.
A thousand blessings upon you for being there for your friend.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:28 AM on January 7, 2023 [3 favorites]
When you had that weekend in November, was it just as good as ever? Did you feel like she was treating you like a very close friend?
I'm asking because it sounds like there is more distance between you both right now than you are acknowledging. It sounds like she's trying not to impose on you even when you offer help - that isn't what I would personally describe as the behavior of a very close friend (though it may be how you or she play it, I wouldn't know). And the two days to respond to serious health news, too, is not something I would consider normal for a very close friend, though again, you and/or she might be different on this too.
It's just that taken all together it seems as if you consider her to be a very close friend but she might not consider you to be a *very* close friend. Or to use different words to say the same thing, it may be that she likes you and confides in you and wants to talk, hang out, etc., but she doesn't want to depend on you, doesn't trust that you'll be able to manage to take her kids to breakfast by yourself, doesn't think that her support might really matter to you during a health crisis.
Is that something you can accept without feeling hurt? Is that a level of closeness or type of friendship you can live with without feeling resentful and bitter?
If so, great. Maybe you can just scale down for now and let things be and maybe one day when the stars align your friendship will organically grow deeper like it used to be. Lots of friendships are like this, they change over your lifetime.
If not, then speak up, stop silencing yourself by telling yourself all these stories about how little you matter, and just SAY the words to her directly: "Hey, I feel really hurt that you responded to me this way," and let that conversation happen. You don't have to dump all your most intense feelings all over her, in fact it would be much better if you don't, if you can start this conversation at a time when you're feeling fulfilled and happy within yourself. But do say it. One of the worst things you can do to any relationship is to martyr yourself within it by denying or hiding your true needs.
posted by MiraK at 2:20 PM on January 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
I'm asking because it sounds like there is more distance between you both right now than you are acknowledging. It sounds like she's trying not to impose on you even when you offer help - that isn't what I would personally describe as the behavior of a very close friend (though it may be how you or she play it, I wouldn't know). And the two days to respond to serious health news, too, is not something I would consider normal for a very close friend, though again, you and/or she might be different on this too.
It's just that taken all together it seems as if you consider her to be a very close friend but she might not consider you to be a *very* close friend. Or to use different words to say the same thing, it may be that she likes you and confides in you and wants to talk, hang out, etc., but she doesn't want to depend on you, doesn't trust that you'll be able to manage to take her kids to breakfast by yourself, doesn't think that her support might really matter to you during a health crisis.
Is that something you can accept without feeling hurt? Is that a level of closeness or type of friendship you can live with without feeling resentful and bitter?
If so, great. Maybe you can just scale down for now and let things be and maybe one day when the stars align your friendship will organically grow deeper like it used to be. Lots of friendships are like this, they change over your lifetime.
If not, then speak up, stop silencing yourself by telling yourself all these stories about how little you matter, and just SAY the words to her directly: "Hey, I feel really hurt that you responded to me this way," and let that conversation happen. You don't have to dump all your most intense feelings all over her, in fact it would be much better if you don't, if you can start this conversation at a time when you're feeling fulfilled and happy within yourself. But do say it. One of the worst things you can do to any relationship is to martyr yourself within it by denying or hiding your true needs.
posted by MiraK at 2:20 PM on January 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by penguin pie at 1:59 PM on January 6, 2023 [1 favorite]