How to remember things you learn at an inconvenient time

December 28, 2022 2:12 PM

If someone tells me something or asks me to do something while I’m already doing a task, I will say “sure” and immediately forget the thing they told me, forever. Since most of my time is spent in tasks, that means I forget almost everything. Please help.

Example: I am getting ready to go somewhere with kids. I am putting my baby in a car seat. My wife asks me to pack his sweater, and I agree. By the time I am done with the car seat and free to do the thing I agreed to, I’ve forgotten about it, and the sweater is left behind.

It’s not really practical to ask her to remind me at a different time - we have 2 kids, we’re both always doing something, so there’s never a great time to ask. Besides which, at that point I’m just offloading the “make me remember this” thing onto her instead of me, which is scrub shit, and I want to do better than that. What’s some things I can do to improve this on my side?

posted by slutze to Human Relations (33 answers total)

About the only thing that works for me is repeating that information to myself over and over until I can act on it in some way - do that task or offload it into a note or phone reminder.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 2:16 PM on December 28, 2022 [14 favorites]

What works for me is capturing it immediately as a reminder on my phone. "Hey Siri, in ten minutes remind me to grab the sweater". Or "tonight" or "tomorrow afternoon" or whatever. With my Airpods or Apple Watch on I don't even need to have my hands free, I just say it into the air while I'm doing whatever other thing.

If I'm not done with the previous thing yet when the reminder pops, I just snooze it.
posted by churl at 2:19 PM on December 28, 2022 [36 favorites]

I've found can add a voice note to my cell phone in less than 10 seconds. I don't even need to see if the voice transcription happened properly, as just seeing an item in the notes log usually jogs the memory of what it was about.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:21 PM on December 28, 2022 [2 favorites]

One thing that helped me was to channel The Sims--in the game, you can queue various tasks for the Sim to do while they're busy doing other stuff. Simply visualizing the to-do list in my head like this helped as both a mnemonic device and to feel like it was more fun or gamefied to get tasks done.

That or a pack of post-its or mini notepad + mini pen/pencil. (paper is faster for me than digital)
posted by Sockin'inthefreeworld at 2:21 PM on December 28, 2022 [4 favorites]

Part of it is practice. For a long time I had some severe memory problems due to health issues, so for practice I would do things like write out a grocery list of items, walk into the store, pick every item I could remember, and then check the list to see how I did. After you do that for a while, your brain sort of teaches itself to remember things better.
posted by mochapickle at 2:29 PM on December 28, 2022 [18 favorites]

This doesn't work if hands are busy, but I will cross my fingers. I'm not allowed to uncross them until I do the thing. Works for things I can do within the next 10 mins or so.
posted by Ausamor at 2:32 PM on December 28, 2022 [5 favorites]

I think about something I know I will do or see when I need to remember the thing, and I tell myself that when I do x, I’ll need to remember something, and that something is the task I’ve just gotten.

For example, in your case it would be like taking a moment to think “ok baby needs his sweater. When I close the car door, I’ll remember that I was supposed to do something, and that something is baby’s sweater”.

Or another example, if I’m lying in bed trying to sleep and remember I need to book a doctors appointment the next day, I’ll say to myself “ok tomorrow when I’m making coffee I’ll remember that I was supposed to remember something. That something is booking my doctor’s appointment”.
posted by rodneyaug at 2:44 PM on December 28, 2022 [5 favorites]

I’m an adherent of I’m not writing it down to remember it later, I’m writing it down to remember it now. If it’s not practical to have the person making the request do it in a permanent form (text, shared to-do list, etc) figure out a way to capture tasks that has minimal impact on the task at hand (voice memo, notebook- whatever works for you).
posted by zamboni at 2:45 PM on December 28, 2022 [10 favorites]

Many years ago, I read a book about how to remember things. Ironically, only one tip has stuck with me and I use it regularly: when there is an item I have to do something with, like take it with me, I make a mental picture in which the item is HUGE. So, say I have to remember to take a piece of mail to the mailbox on my way out to do errands. I picture an enormous letter and place it, say, leaning against the door so I can't possibly get out of the house without it. Or I picture myself carrying the enormous letter.

In your situation, I'd have pictured that sweater blown up to car-size or even bigger proportions, a great big Stay Puft Marshmallow Man of a sweater. I might put it in the driveway behind the car, so I'm not going anywhere unless I take care of that sweater.

Saying it out loud also helps. So, not, "Sure thing," but, "Yes, I will pack the sweater." And then, as I'm getting the kids in the car seat, "Soon as I get you two buckled in, I'm gonna grab that sweater and then we'll be ready to go. OK, you're all buckled in now. I'm going to get that sweater." But I am a person who talks out loud to myself all the time; I'm not sure how this works for other people.

Your specific example didn't really allow for this, because it was so immediate, but when my partner asks me to do something that is to be done later, I do ask him to do it in a way that gets it into my workflow. Telling me on Tuesday we need cat food next payday? No. Texting me the info? No. Emailing it to me? Yes, because I have a system such that things coming into my email inbox make it onto my calendar and to-do list, and because emails remain distinct in a way texts don't. By the time payday comes around, a text saying "we need cat food" has flowed away, but an email with the subject line We Need Cat Food Next Payday sits there as its own handy reminder. I'm willing to take responsibility for it, but that responsibility has to be handed off to me in a manner that I can process. Not quite applicable to "remember to take the sweater" during the busyness of getting going, but if there are input methods that work better for you in general, it's reasonable to ask people to use them.
posted by Well I never at 2:54 PM on December 28, 2022 [30 favorites]

Two things have helped: if I have a hand free, I ask Siri to set an alarm for some later time (10 minutes to several hours, depending) called “get sweater” or whatever (alarm rather than reminder because it makes me pay attention and I can snooze it if I need to without it disappearing). If, say, both hands are both occupied (or covered in something I don’t want on my phone), I tell my spouse I can do the thing but don’t have a hand free to set my alarm, so could he either summon Siri on my phone for me to speak into or ask me once I’ve finished my current task. Crucially, I had to get into a habit of explicitly catching myself when I say “sure” reflexively. It’s not my most loving and sweet communication, but, “Sure… I MEAN I CAN DO THAT BUT THIS IS NOT A COMMITMENT! Can you please ask me in ten minutes when I’ll be able to make a note of it?” is way better in the long run for my relationship than sweetly saying, “sure, honey” and not doing it.
posted by theotherdurassister at 2:57 PM on December 28, 2022 [7 favorites]

If it's possible to make a silly blues song of the thing, I've been known to make myself the song until I do the thing (on the advice of a friend). "goin' back in the house (dah dah dah dum dum) to get the baby a sweater (dah dah dah dum dum), OH, going back..."

This may not work as well if you need to be talking to kids, but maybe you can get an older kid to sing along / sing it for you?
posted by ldthomps at 3:11 PM on December 28, 2022 [9 favorites]

I often ask the other person to send me a text message (or send something on Slack at work) with their written request! It keeps me in the flow of whatever process I’m working on and gets the request into durable storage for me to write down somewhere more permanent later. It also helps with making the request clear! A common failure mode for me is saying “sure”, remembering all but a small crucial detail, and then feeling horrible later when I’ve disappointed or caused problems for the person asking.
posted by Brassica oleracea at 3:12 PM on December 28, 2022 [2 favorites]

Example: I am getting ready to go somewhere with kids. I am putting my baby in a car seat. My wife asks me to pack his sweater

In this particular example, you could take about the sweater to your baby: Hey kiddo, you're going to be cold later. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to finish putting you in the car seat, and then after that, I'm going to get you a sweater! Where's the sweater right now? I bet it's on the couch. What color is it? I'm going to get you that nice red sweater that's on the couch. When I get it where am I going to put it? I'm going to put it right here in this bag.

... And so on. That way you're talking about it, so it's harder to forget, and you're also envisioning it, and you're envisioning all the steps you're going to take and the order you're going to take them in.

If that's too much, and you can't make a recording or note, then I'd try at least envisioning the thing right when you're asked to remember it (that tip about imaging it as really huge is great), and also really quickly envision where it fits into your workflow - what's step you're going to do it after and what step is going to come after you do it.

Another thing is to make it a habit to stop and ask yourself if there's anything you're missing. Like (relevant to this example) before you start driving anyplace. Did I forget anything? Did I talk with anyone before leaving and did they ask me for anything? Do I think we've got everything we need for the whole trip?

Plus it's good to have a basic checklist for kid stuff in general: water, clothing, diaper bag, toys, whatever. If this isn't just a one-off example and you're getting lots of reminders about standard things like sweaters, turn that into a regular checklist you run through. You can imagine it and rehearse it in your off time.
posted by trig at 3:20 PM on December 28, 2022 [11 favorites]

I suffer from this as well. Low RAM, I call it.

I think something you might try is along the lines of the vocalization noted above. I find it helps to write things down, of course, but that's not always possible. So try to build a to-do list in your mind with one thing on it.

When someone says, be sure to grab the sweater, say to yourself out loud, "To do: grab a sweater for the kid." Then after you finish the task, you say to yourself, "To do:" and finish the sentence - you'll get it. Just remembering that there is something specific to remember is all it takes.

Nevertheless this is the hard part because you must build a habit of saying "To do:" to yourself at times when you are likely the most distracted. But I bet you can find a way to make this tactic work for you. It's really more like tying a string around your finger in the moment, and then noticing it 40 seconds later and being like "wait, why do I... the sweater!!"

I've found last minute "what am I forgetting" general checks don't work because I've forgotten what I'm about to forget. If I make a checklist, I forget the checklist. Because I can only fit one thing in my RAM at a time I just try to shoehorn in that extra tiny fraction that simply tells me "there's another thing." That nagging feeling hits me and I rewind and get it.

Sometimes.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 3:29 PM on December 28, 2022 [1 favorite]

This is more of a meta-answer but it helped me improve my memory enormously when I realized that memory could be improved with practice (like with all these techniques people have answered with already!). It made me stop saying things to myself and others like, "I have a bad memory," and I consciously started reframing it as, "I'm working on remembering things better." And then I would do the practice things that people are talking about (for me, it's generally best if I just repeat it in my head a lot), and my "bad memory" got much better.
posted by lapis at 3:32 PM on December 28, 2022 [14 favorites]

I've found last minute "what am I forgetting" general checks don't work because I've forgotten what I'm about to forget.

Yeah, it helps me to really take a second and run through some video in my head - what was I doing before right now, and before that, and before that. If I talked with someone, lemme play that scene back in my head. It just takes a second, but it helps reactivate things. It's hard to remember to do, but easier if you make it a habit.
posted by trig at 3:37 PM on December 28, 2022

IMHO, you should adopt the model: if it ain't via approve channel, I've never heard it, and you only take requests via approved channel, be it text, email, or support ticket software. NOT all of the above. ONLY ONE METHOD. If you didn't get it from there, you can ignore it safely.

Then there's only ONE place to check for TODO items.

Do NOT accept "ad hoc" tasks, period. If you have to send a text to yourself, send a text to yourself.

The key is BE CONSISTENT.

The reason you need to keep a LOG of it is simple: this is NOT about your memory, but how you're preoccupied with the here and now, instead of what is and what is not a priority.

If you're doing something, you're doing that. Everything else can wait, and if it can wait, it can keep on waiting.
posted by kschang at 4:12 PM on December 28, 2022 [5 favorites]

Better pre-planning: leave sweaters in the car (along with other contingency items; snacks, baby wipes, water, etc.)
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:55 PM on December 28, 2022 [5 favorites]

if it ain't via approve channel, I've never heard it,

Next week's Ask from slutze's spouse: "My spouse said they would only do domestic things that were requested via a support ticket. How do I hide their dead body?"
posted by Thella at 5:58 PM on December 28, 2022 [49 favorites]

I keep a tiny notebook and pen in my pocket. I call it my ADHD notebook. I write down to-do list items immediately as I think of them, as well as grocery lists and other ideas. Then I make a point to check the notebook at certain times of day, or before leaving the house. It helps me to write this info down on paper. If I had to take out my phone to add checklist items or check them off, I'd be instantly distracted.
posted by cnidaria at 6:30 PM on December 28, 2022 [2 favorites]

Are people reading the whole question? The More Inside bit is:

Example: I am getting ready to go somewhere with kids. I am putting my baby in a car seat. My wife asks me to pack his sweater, and I agree. By the time I am done with the car seat and free to do the thing I agreed to, I’ve forgotten about it, and the sweater is left behind.

It’s not really practical to ask her to remind me at a different time - we have 2 kids, we’re both always doing something, so there’s never a great time to ask. Besides which, at that point I’m just offloading the “make me remember this” thing onto her instead of me, which is scrub shit, and I want to do better than that. What’s some things I can do to improve this on my side?

posted by lapis at 7:06 PM on December 28, 2022 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: > Next week's Ask from slutze's spouse: "My spouse said they would only do domestic things that were requested via a support ticket. How do I hide their dead body?"

If I thought my spouse needed advice from strangers on how to hide a body I would never have married her
posted by slutze at 8:48 PM on December 28, 2022 [37 favorites]

For your specific example I have a cabinet I call the “go cabinet” beside the front door. It contains things we need when we go. Diaper bag, baby carrier, bins for each person’s hats and mitts, etc.
We added warm clothes, spare clothes, socks, undies, and diaper bag supplies. So on the way out the door, if I said “it’s cold, pack the baby’s sweater”, he could grab it at exactly that moment. It’s barely a task to remember because it’s already right there. We planned ahead for a cold baby, weeks in advance.

This principle applies to a lot of household things. Get duplicates and place them in useful places. The kids have a second toothbrush at the kitchen sink. A toddler hairbrush is stashed in the breakfast area so I can brush hair while they eat.
I have extra floss beside the couch where I watch TV. I have a second Dustbuster right beside the cat litter box.

Notice and solve all the speed bumps that make remembering or completing tasks annoying.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:06 PM on December 28, 2022 [2 favorites]

In addition to the good advice above, practice NOT saying, "sure." You seem like someone who's not going to use this tip in bad faith to evade responsibility so here's my logic: you also should cue the person speaking that you're not fully there, so they won't be disappointed since your reply is unconditionally affirmative.

Perhaps, to couple with above tips, pair your standby action with the follow-up for details. E.g. "can i check in with you as soon as ____?" Then in your mind: "call wife, about kiddo". Can even try put it as a voice note.

Point is, you follow up immediately. If this is too much ask for the other person, understandably since they're busy too, why not try, "Sure, and can you leave a voice note on *messaging app of choice*?". Then in your mind instead should be, "check app check app".

Alternate script: "sure, and can you leave a voice note in my phone?" Etc etc.
posted by cendawanita at 11:17 PM on December 28, 2022 [1 favorite]

I say “Nope, not gonna remember, please send a text!” And then I have the thing turned on where if I don’t look at a text it buzzes again in like two or three minutes.
posted by Bottlecap at 7:31 AM on December 29, 2022 [1 favorite]

For your example, I place something in an obviously wrong spot. If I remember that I need to buy new detergent while I'm in the bathtub, I'll take the bottle of conditioner and put it on the bathroom floor. It's not about the item - just seeing the thing in the wrong location is enough to jog the memory. If you're wrangling kids, you probably always have something in your hands. In the car, it might have worked to put the baby's stuffy on the dashboard for a minute - just long enough to remind you that there's a next task on the agenda.

However, if this is a pattern (your wife reminding you of things needed for your kids or the household), just imagine the amount of mental load she is carrying. Maybe a detailed checklist by the door or in the car could bring relief to both of you?
posted by toucan at 7:45 AM on December 29, 2022 [2 favorites]

I have been where you are (still am in many ways), this is not a purely technical problem. Technical solutions are good and by all means go ahead and make checklists or put your keys in the wrong pocket to help you remember or whatever.

I did at some point I realize I forget trivial things all the time because people have always let me get away with it. Turns out it is not a charming quirk of my brilliant character or too many big thoughts about important matters taking up all the space in my head - I just need to realize remembering these mundane things matters and put some effort into it.
posted by each day we work at 10:14 AM on December 29, 2022 [8 favorites]

If you have an Apple Watch, you could use the voice recorder or the app Just Press Record to quickly take a voice note. (The latter app syncs with the iPhone app of the same name, and even does automatic text transcription, so you can read the note instead of having to listen to it.) I personally customized my Apple Watch face to put the Just Press Record button on the face, making it easy for me to record notes at any given moment.
posted by StrawberryPie at 10:40 AM on December 29, 2022 [1 favorite]

I use Google's "Task" App for things like this. It's basically a to do list. I've fully accepted I will forget things, so I pause to write things down as they come up, and then there's a place to check later.
posted by monologish at 11:25 AM on December 29, 2022

I have had this problem a lot, although my partner and I are both you in this scenario. The system we have worked out is that we generally can’t just walk up to each other mid-task, immediately say something important, and expect to be truly heard. We have to preface with a kind of introduction: usually “Hey, can I tell you something?” or “Hey, I need to ask you something.” This is our cue that the thing is important, which means we pause whatever we’re doing and give our full attention. (Or, if pausing is impossible, it is our cue to say so and give a time frame for responding.) In your example, this would probably have gone something like:

Partner: “Hey, can I remind you of something?”
Me: “Give me 15 seconds to finish buckling them in?” *finish buckling in child, then turn and face partner while he speaks*
Partner: “Don’t forget the baby’s sweater.”
Me : “Okay! Thank you!” *either grab the sweater immediately, set a phone alarm to grab it in five minutes, or keep up a constant patter of ‘sweater, sweater, sweater’ until everyone is settled in the car and I can dash and grab it*

For other couples maybe the sound of their partner’s voice is enough to instantly snap their focus to them, but in practice our brains just don’t work that way. We need that signal-and-pause to actually transition our thought process or, like you, the request will just flow over us like water.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 2:50 PM on December 29, 2022 [7 favorites]

Google Keep has been my lord and saviour for situations like these.

Adjust to your choice of note-taking tool as necessary.
posted by creatrixtiara at 12:59 AM on January 1, 2023

practice NOT saying, "sure."

THIS THIS THIS.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 3:35 PM on January 1, 2023 [1 favorite]

I have ADHD myself and I always say that having children "cured" me of the worst of it. I had to take on the responsibility of making sure my kids had everything they need back when they were babies. Not only was there nobody I could offload the mental load onto, but also if the kids were missing something they needed after we were already out of the house, there was nobody I could offload the crying baby nor the slowly-turning-blue toddler onto. It was all on me. So I coped by developing a perpetual state of useful anxiety that still stays with me today when the kids are teenagers. I am CONSTANTLY asking myself, as a mental habit, what do they need *next*? Where do they need to be, what do they need to be carrying, what time do we need to get going, how will I handle the logistics, etc.

Sometimes I need the whole day planned out in perfect choreography, and then to rehearse the choreography in my head a couple of times, before I can pull it all off. Usually it's worked out all backwards, like so: I'll drop Kid 1 off at Scouts, then take Kid 2 with me to grocery shopping because the only way to be on time is to go straight from grocery shopping to gymnastics. Therefore I need Kid 1 in Scout uniform and Kid 2 kitted out for gymnastics and myself to remember to take reusable grocery bags to the car, all of us together at 5:30 pm. I'll set a reminder to go off at 5:15 to remind them to change. So that means the kids have until 5:15 to finish their homework and music practice and snack. So now, at 3:30 pm, I'll talk them through this choreography and remind them to set their own timers on Alexa to get through all their tasks from now till 5:15.

When there's never anyone around to remind me that today is both Scout day and gymnastic day, I gotta do all this myself. I know you have the benefit of a spouse, but what if you, too, pretended it was all on you, and you start to spend time rehearsing your day like this, so that when she reminds you to get the sweater your response is "got it already"? That has to be part of the solution here. You have to know that your baby needs a sweater on your own, without the reminder.
posted by MiraK at 6:48 PM on January 2, 2023 [2 favorites]