Is it normal to not feel attached to a new dog?
November 27, 2022 2:53 PM Subscribe
I adopted a shelter dog about 2 months ago. She's adorable, sweet, and easy. I've fostered difficult dogs before her, and she's the complete opposite - no separation anxiety or aggressive behavioral issues. The 2 month mark is typically around when I start feeling attachment to these dogs, so why don't I feel emotionally attached to her yet?
Annie is a wonderful dog in lots of ways. Very sweet, easy, submissive. I fostered before her, and usually start feeling attachment towards dogs around the 2 month mark. Well, it's 2 months and I feel like I could let her go pretty easily. I try to do activities with her that I hope will help with bonding, ie. walks, playing fetch (which she loves more than anything in the world), sleeping together in bed, long cuddles on the couch. I think she feels bonded to me, but I don't think I feel much for her. It makes me sad and worried that I'm going to possibly have a dog for 15+ years that I won't feel emotionally attached to. Feels like a waste.
I fostered for a bit right before I adopted her, and all of these dogs had pretty severe behavioral issues. I disliked all of them at first, but bawled my eyes out when they each got adopted, and sometimes still think about them/miss them. There was a pattern - with these dogs, I'd hate them until about Month #2 when they got adopted -- and I'd always miss them terribly and cry during their adoptions. So I think that's why I'm now (at month 2) trying to measure my affection for her. I also wonder if I only felt more bonded/emitonally attached because they were leaving.
In any case, returning her is not an option so would like to hear tips on how I can strengthen my bond with her, especially would love to hear your stories if this has happened to you and how your attachment eventually developed with your dog over time.
Annie is a wonderful dog in lots of ways. Very sweet, easy, submissive. I fostered before her, and usually start feeling attachment towards dogs around the 2 month mark. Well, it's 2 months and I feel like I could let her go pretty easily. I try to do activities with her that I hope will help with bonding, ie. walks, playing fetch (which she loves more than anything in the world), sleeping together in bed, long cuddles on the couch. I think she feels bonded to me, but I don't think I feel much for her. It makes me sad and worried that I'm going to possibly have a dog for 15+ years that I won't feel emotionally attached to. Feels like a waste.
I fostered for a bit right before I adopted her, and all of these dogs had pretty severe behavioral issues. I disliked all of them at first, but bawled my eyes out when they each got adopted, and sometimes still think about them/miss them. There was a pattern - with these dogs, I'd hate them until about Month #2 when they got adopted -- and I'd always miss them terribly and cry during their adoptions. So I think that's why I'm now (at month 2) trying to measure my affection for her. I also wonder if I only felt more bonded/emitonally attached because they were leaving.
In any case, returning her is not an option so would like to hear tips on how I can strengthen my bond with her, especially would love to hear your stories if this has happened to you and how your attachment eventually developed with your dog over time.
Um. Any chance that the fact that she is going to stay with you for the long haul and not be a short term thing having an effect on you here?
posted by miles1972 at 3:21 PM on November 27, 2022 [15 favorites]
posted by miles1972 at 3:21 PM on November 27, 2022 [15 favorites]
It generally takes me about two YEARS to feel emotionally bonded with a dog, just as a data point of one. 😊
I would suggest that this relationship be given time to develop. Maybe keep in mind that, just like people relationships, different bonds form on their own timeline?
posted by hilaryjade at 3:26 PM on November 27, 2022
I would suggest that this relationship be given time to develop. Maybe keep in mind that, just like people relationships, different bonds form on their own timeline?
posted by hilaryjade at 3:26 PM on November 27, 2022
Feeling the same from 2 months to 15 years is a big leap!
I think that sometimes the easy, "submissive" ones take longer to show their real personality. I suspect she is still getting comfortable in your home, and maybe there is a bit of an unconscious feedback loop right now where you two still have your "company manners."
Personally I think every dog-human relationship improves with a little positive reinforcement training, so that would be my suggestion for an action you could take. If she's already well behaved there's nothing wrong with starting with teaching whatever tricks you fancy, but I think a simple "watch me!" is a great way to start with a submissive dog and get them a bit greedy for attention.
posted by muddgirl at 3:28 PM on November 27, 2022 [12 favorites]
I think that sometimes the easy, "submissive" ones take longer to show their real personality. I suspect she is still getting comfortable in your home, and maybe there is a bit of an unconscious feedback loop right now where you two still have your "company manners."
Personally I think every dog-human relationship improves with a little positive reinforcement training, so that would be my suggestion for an action you could take. If she's already well behaved there's nothing wrong with starting with teaching whatever tricks you fancy, but I think a simple "watch me!" is a great way to start with a submissive dog and get them a bit greedy for attention.
posted by muddgirl at 3:28 PM on November 27, 2022 [12 favorites]
Have you done any training, either through a school or on your own, by chance?
I really did love my own Annie (great name) from the start but during our first year together there were lots of times she seemed like this strange, indifferent, feral, fluffy creature randomly living in my house, doing her own thing. My previous adoption had been this tiny, opinionated, ancient, totally deaf, nearly blind, heart-of-a-lion maltese who needed me desperately and clung to me as tightly as life itself. The experience just felt so different.
After about a year with Annie, I signed us up for one of those beginner PetSmart training classes. I hadn't expected the experience to be such an impactful one, but it was genuinely helpful because basic training meant I learned how to listen to and understand Annie better, and I learned how to communicate to her more effectively, too, and we've been able to build on that ever since. She has so much charm and such a sweet, gentle little way about her. And she's completely and permanently welded into my heart now.
Being able to communicate made our connection so much better and more rewarding for us both, and it's made all the difference.
posted by mochapickle at 3:35 PM on November 27, 2022 [9 favorites]
I really did love my own Annie (great name) from the start but during our first year together there were lots of times she seemed like this strange, indifferent, feral, fluffy creature randomly living in my house, doing her own thing. My previous adoption had been this tiny, opinionated, ancient, totally deaf, nearly blind, heart-of-a-lion maltese who needed me desperately and clung to me as tightly as life itself. The experience just felt so different.
After about a year with Annie, I signed us up for one of those beginner PetSmart training classes. I hadn't expected the experience to be such an impactful one, but it was genuinely helpful because basic training meant I learned how to listen to and understand Annie better, and I learned how to communicate to her more effectively, too, and we've been able to build on that ever since. She has so much charm and such a sweet, gentle little way about her. And she's completely and permanently welded into my heart now.
Being able to communicate made our connection so much better and more rewarding for us both, and it's made all the difference.
posted by mochapickle at 3:35 PM on November 27, 2022 [9 favorites]
Our dog, who passed away not that long ago, came with my then-boyfriend. I didn't grow up with a dog and would consider myself more of a cat person. It took me a while to feel bonded to our dog, definitely longer than two months; letting her go hurt HARD.
I do think in your case, the fact that you felt emotionally attached the dogs as they were basically being placed out of your home , as well as the fact that these dogs presented challenges, is probably quite relevant to how you feel about this easier to manage, permanent dog. I would also say that it's possible that this specific dog, with this specific personality, might not be a firm match for you.
I did want to mention, though, is that I remembered your earlier Ask about your last dog, and I would just note that it took me a longer time to bond with my second cat than her predecessor. I had a lot of guilt about how stressed and frankly, angry, I felt regarding that cat toward the end of his life and I realized I had not fully processed that when I got the new cat.
posted by sm1tten at 3:52 PM on November 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
I do think in your case, the fact that you felt emotionally attached the dogs as they were basically being placed out of your home , as well as the fact that these dogs presented challenges, is probably quite relevant to how you feel about this easier to manage, permanent dog. I would also say that it's possible that this specific dog, with this specific personality, might not be a firm match for you.
I did want to mention, though, is that I remembered your earlier Ask about your last dog, and I would just note that it took me a longer time to bond with my second cat than her predecessor. I had a lot of guilt about how stressed and frankly, angry, I felt regarding that cat toward the end of his life and I realized I had not fully processed that when I got the new cat.
posted by sm1tten at 3:52 PM on November 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
In addition to the fact that you knew your previous dogs would leave eventually, another difference with them is that previously, you had the experience of "earning" your dogs' love. So you have these experiences of attachment with animals looking a certain way- short-term, and being somewhat difficult initially. Whereas now, you're not having to "earn" the dog's affection. With human attachment, sometimes when a human is used to having to "earn" love from a caregiver or partner or used to having relationships in difficult or fraught circumstances, it can be hard to form an attachment to a person who does not present any difficulties or unavailability because it doesn't feel familiar. Perhaps you are just not used to the attachment happening this way so it doesn't feel "real" or legitimate, but you may get used to it in time!
posted by bearette at 3:57 PM on November 27, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by bearette at 3:57 PM on November 27, 2022 [7 favorites]
I had a wonderful dog who was pretty easy. Could leave him at home alone and he never destroyed stuff. He was smart and had common sense; came when called because he figured out that worked pretty well and meant he got food, out of the rain, rides in the car. Pretty good snuggler. He was always in a good mood, tail wagging. It took me a while to realize that he was quite devoted to me and realize how much I enjoyed his company. I was devastated when he died of cancer and the hole he left was huge. I have another dog, and that made me miss him all over again.
To strengthen your bond, teach your dog the basics - recall, sit, lie down, stay, walking nicely on a lead, go to your place. Keep adding stuff, esp. tricks. Spin in a circle, catch and return a ball, find a hidden ball (tennis balls have a smell, dogs can find them), bow, bark at a joke, whatever. Find the TV remote would be useful. Working together will build your bond both ways, when you have success at training as well as when you don't and have to figure that out.
posted by theora55 at 5:49 PM on November 27, 2022 [6 favorites]
To strengthen your bond, teach your dog the basics - recall, sit, lie down, stay, walking nicely on a lead, go to your place. Keep adding stuff, esp. tricks. Spin in a circle, catch and return a ball, find a hidden ball (tennis balls have a smell, dogs can find them), bow, bark at a joke, whatever. Find the TV remote would be useful. Working together will build your bond both ways, when you have success at training as well as when you don't and have to figure that out.
posted by theora55 at 5:49 PM on November 27, 2022 [6 favorites]
I was thinking along the same lines as mudgirl.
With people, I take longer to connect with the quiet types who don’t reveal themselves so quickly - because while what I do is pleasant and unobjectionable, it’s not their truth.
My cat is a giant pain in my butt but I wonder if that challenge is part of what bonds us. Like when he learned to open the kitchen cabinets I was both annoyed and very proud.
posted by bunderful at 6:56 PM on November 27, 2022 [2 favorites]
With people, I take longer to connect with the quiet types who don’t reveal themselves so quickly - because while what I do is pleasant and unobjectionable, it’s not their truth.
My cat is a giant pain in my butt but I wonder if that challenge is part of what bonds us. Like when he learned to open the kitchen cabinets I was both annoyed and very proud.
posted by bunderful at 6:56 PM on November 27, 2022 [2 favorites]
I wonder if the fact that you had to work so hard with the previous more challenging dogs actually fostered a deeper connection with them earlier. Keep working on training/commands/tricks - I feel like working with a dog on something really helps you connect. Sometimes it just takes time... the dog we've had longest right now, though I adored him right away, I remember saying to friends in the first couple of months that he didn't really feel like "my dog," and how sad that made me. This dog is now ABSOLUTELY IN MY SOUL. You two will be okay. <3
posted by obfuscation at 6:29 AM on November 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by obfuscation at 6:29 AM on November 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
We also got a submissive dog after my wife's belligerent asshole died, and it took a couple months to even really see her personality, and probably six months at least before my wife really started connecting to her. Three years later, all is well and she's firmly a part of the family. Give it some more time, I think.
posted by restless_nomad at 6:55 AM on November 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad at 6:55 AM on November 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
As others have suggested, I'd start looking for activities such as more advanced training that presents some challenge and requires a strong partnership between dog and handler to excel. The exact path (trick training? agility? disc dog? formal obedience?) will depend on, and allow you to discover, her real talents.
Also, it's ok to have "heart dogs" and "Number 2 dogs." As an example, during my last marriage we had a dalmation mix who I loved profoundly but who was an absolute HANDFUL who required a lot of management due to a pretty traumatic puppyhood. We then rescued a Pomeranian Number 2 Dog for my daughter, and he was always kind of my daughter's dog and I wasn't super attached to him (I had never been a fan of "toy" dogs). It wasn't until I separated and the big dog stayed with my ex and the Pomeranian came with me and my daughter that I grew to appreciate his own particular qualities and personality. The little guy's been gone for just a little over a year and I miss him terribly and in the back of my head hope that some day I will be in a position to get another Pom (though right now I have two big dogs, my lifetime "Heart Dog" and a recently adopted "pretty good" Number 2 Dog). Not saying you need to have two dogs, just that when you get to the end of your dog-owning days, it will always be the case that you were a little more attached to some than to others.
posted by drlith at 7:49 AM on November 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
Also, it's ok to have "heart dogs" and "Number 2 dogs." As an example, during my last marriage we had a dalmation mix who I loved profoundly but who was an absolute HANDFUL who required a lot of management due to a pretty traumatic puppyhood. We then rescued a Pomeranian Number 2 Dog for my daughter, and he was always kind of my daughter's dog and I wasn't super attached to him (I had never been a fan of "toy" dogs). It wasn't until I separated and the big dog stayed with my ex and the Pomeranian came with me and my daughter that I grew to appreciate his own particular qualities and personality. The little guy's been gone for just a little over a year and I miss him terribly and in the back of my head hope that some day I will be in a position to get another Pom (though right now I have two big dogs, my lifetime "Heart Dog" and a recently adopted "pretty good" Number 2 Dog). Not saying you need to have two dogs, just that when you get to the end of your dog-owning days, it will always be the case that you were a little more attached to some than to others.
posted by drlith at 7:49 AM on November 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
When we adopted our rescue dog, we were told it would take 3 months to a year for her to feel comfortable and safe enough to really start expressing her personality. If you're used to fostering, you may not have seen how dogs change when they start to realize they're home for good. Ours took about 6 months to start letting herself BE herself, and 4 years later she is STILL unfolding like a sweet, grumpy, super-entitled flower.
Right now your dog is probably still on her best behavior. Keep doing all the bonding stuff you're doing, and hang in there. It just takes time for the personality to really show for some dogs - and that's what makes it easier to bond.
posted by invincible summer at 12:11 PM on November 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
Right now your dog is probably still on her best behavior. Keep doing all the bonding stuff you're doing, and hang in there. It just takes time for the personality to really show for some dogs - and that's what makes it easier to bond.
posted by invincible summer at 12:11 PM on November 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
I agree with others that you had to earn your foster dogs’ love and that could be why you felt more attached to them. Maybe they were the dog equivalents of emotionally unavailable boyfriends, in a way. Give it time and I bet your feelings towards Annie will slowly change/develop.
P.S. it was really difficult to answer this without dog tax!
posted by whitelily at 7:46 PM on November 28, 2022
P.S. it was really difficult to answer this without dog tax!
posted by whitelily at 7:46 PM on November 28, 2022
Response by poster: Such great thoughtful answers, thanks everyone! I'll hang in there and try to not overthink things.
whitelily, how could I forget?? Not sure how to do this, but here she is:
https://flic.kr/p/2o31esT
posted by koolaidnovel at 8:35 PM on November 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
whitelily, how could I forget?? Not sure how to do this, but here she is:
https://flic.kr/p/2o31esT
posted by koolaidnovel at 8:35 PM on November 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think sometimes it just takes a while.
posted by lapis at 3:08 PM on November 27, 2022 [2 favorites]