Tell me about caring for your partner post-cesarean
November 7, 2022 8:18 PM Subscribe
Watch out Macbeth; our son was born by c-section two weeks ago. I’d love thoughts on care strategies and successes she you have both a newborn and a recovering partner.
Bonus facts: I’m home for the next six months, and the baby (aside from some feeding start-up challenges) is healthy. My partner is also doing great— worked out til she gave birth, is walking around when not napping, etc. But it’s all still a lot and breastfeeding, which she wants to do, is murder on her sleep schedule during recovery. And she’s really feeling frustrated at not being better yet. So I’m looking for both practical tips and thoughts on the psychology of caring for people, especially when one wishes she was just a new parent and not also convalescing.
Other than doing all food provision/laundry/meds management etc, what’s helped folks feel cared for during their recoveries? What’s helped caregivers be and feel most effective? Thanks for stories!
Bonus facts: I’m home for the next six months, and the baby (aside from some feeding start-up challenges) is healthy. My partner is also doing great— worked out til she gave birth, is walking around when not napping, etc. But it’s all still a lot and breastfeeding, which she wants to do, is murder on her sleep schedule during recovery. And she’s really feeling frustrated at not being better yet. So I’m looking for both practical tips and thoughts on the psychology of caring for people, especially when one wishes she was just a new parent and not also convalescing.
Other than doing all food provision/laundry/meds management etc, what’s helped folks feel cared for during their recoveries? What’s helped caregivers be and feel most effective? Thanks for stories!
Congratulations! I’ve had two c-sections. I totally understand her feeling frustrated but it sounds like she’s doing all the right things. It just takes time, and the first few weeks are just hard.
If you can get a postpartum doula, I highly recommend. I was uncomfortable with the idea of having someone in my space. I regret not getting one sooner and not leaning on her more. She was great. She came over at 11 pm, I’d go to sleep, she’d bring the baby in to nurse and take the baby back to her crib when she was done. She was also focused on taking care of me which was amazing. My husband and I were both focused on the baby but she would come over and say, what do you need? Sleep? Shower? She’d make me toast in the morning. It was so nice. I’m getting teary-eyed thinking about it. It was also just nice to have another person around, especially someone who has seen babies and postpartum people.
The first time we took my first kid to the pediatrician, the doc said to my husband, “mom needs to get six consecutive hours of sleep each night. She needs four hours every week to do something not-baby related. And you need to go on a date on a regular basis.” Good luck!
posted by kat518 at 9:18 PM on November 7, 2022 [15 favorites]
If you can get a postpartum doula, I highly recommend. I was uncomfortable with the idea of having someone in my space. I regret not getting one sooner and not leaning on her more. She was great. She came over at 11 pm, I’d go to sleep, she’d bring the baby in to nurse and take the baby back to her crib when she was done. She was also focused on taking care of me which was amazing. My husband and I were both focused on the baby but she would come over and say, what do you need? Sleep? Shower? She’d make me toast in the morning. It was so nice. I’m getting teary-eyed thinking about it. It was also just nice to have another person around, especially someone who has seen babies and postpartum people.
The first time we took my first kid to the pediatrician, the doc said to my husband, “mom needs to get six consecutive hours of sleep each night. She needs four hours every week to do something not-baby related. And you need to go on a date on a regular basis.” Good luck!
posted by kat518 at 9:18 PM on November 7, 2022 [15 favorites]
I had a rather rough pregnancy, c section and recovery experience, but here are my suggestions:
I wish family members who were helping me talked to me more about what I needed and wanted, instead of just taking over.
The "help" largely involved picking my baby up and walking away, "to allow for rest." I wanted was to bond my baby, not sit alone in my room.
I would ask your partner what they want, and suggest strategies. One idea would be family snuggle time in bed, and your recovering partner can hand the baby over if something begins to pull or ache. Have a basket handy of supplies. I also like having a mini fridge in the bedroom or nursery for snacks and drinks.
I'd also ask if they need help applying any creams or post surgical bandages. Those days are a blur to me, but I do remember needing help with those things.
Finally, you can ask if their clothing is comfortable for recovery.
I remember assuming I would wear my usual flannel shirts and leggings around the house postpartum, and finding that uniform uncomfortable and pinchy. A couple of long, loose nightgowns or t shirt dresses with pockets could be a really thoughtful gift right now.
posted by champers at 3:58 AM on November 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
I wish family members who were helping me talked to me more about what I needed and wanted, instead of just taking over.
The "help" largely involved picking my baby up and walking away, "to allow for rest." I wanted was to bond my baby, not sit alone in my room.
I would ask your partner what they want, and suggest strategies. One idea would be family snuggle time in bed, and your recovering partner can hand the baby over if something begins to pull or ache. Have a basket handy of supplies. I also like having a mini fridge in the bedroom or nursery for snacks and drinks.
I'd also ask if they need help applying any creams or post surgical bandages. Those days are a blur to me, but I do remember needing help with those things.
Finally, you can ask if their clothing is comfortable for recovery.
I remember assuming I would wear my usual flannel shirts and leggings around the house postpartum, and finding that uniform uncomfortable and pinchy. A couple of long, loose nightgowns or t shirt dresses with pockets could be a really thoughtful gift right now.
posted by champers at 3:58 AM on November 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hi! We are in the same boat as we had our first via c section on Friday and came home yesterday. I teared up on Saturday that I couldn’t get out of bed to be part of the diaper changes and while I know my husband would gladly do it all and let me focus on sleep and breastfeeding, sometimes you need to be told/reassured over and over.
We are still figuring this out but receiving a massage yesterday during breastfeeding was incredible. In addition to the incision pain, the heightened strain on my back with increased breast size was bothering me.
Happy to chat further if you/she just need a friendly internet stranger/family going thru it too. There’s also a metafilter parenting group I’ve heard good things about but it’s on FB, so I was unable to join (contact sestaaak if you want to join). Finally, just be aware of signs of postpartum mood issues. I was struck pretty hard with several anxiety/depression during early pregnancy and thought that could only come after. Having a good support team will get your family thru if that comes up.
All the best and congrats!
posted by icaicaer at 5:10 AM on November 8, 2022
We are still figuring this out but receiving a massage yesterday during breastfeeding was incredible. In addition to the incision pain, the heightened strain on my back with increased breast size was bothering me.
Happy to chat further if you/she just need a friendly internet stranger/family going thru it too. There’s also a metafilter parenting group I’ve heard good things about but it’s on FB, so I was unable to join (contact sestaaak if you want to join). Finally, just be aware of signs of postpartum mood issues. I was struck pretty hard with several anxiety/depression during early pregnancy and thought that could only come after. Having a good support team will get your family thru if that comes up.
All the best and congrats!
posted by icaicaer at 5:10 AM on November 8, 2022
I had an unplanned c-section 3 years ago and was unprepared for the emotional burden – feelings of disappointment that the birth didn't go to plan, frustration that I couldn't do everything I wanted to, annoyance that I wasn't as independent as I wanted to be from the get-go. At one point I cried because *I* wanted to shovel the snow off our four front steps and I wasn't allowed. It's a lot.
So to me, one of the biggest things you can do is to hold space for all of those emotions your partner might be feeling and support her through the storm. Being a calm, implacable presence is huge. If you can facilitate time for her to hang out with her own friends who've maybe had similar experiences, that might also help.
Another thing I wish I'd clued into sooner: combination feeding. If your partner is having trouble getting uninterrupted sleep and that is affecting her recovery, I'd recommend that you get up and feed the baby a bottle of formula for one of the midnight feeds. (Pumping is the worst.) Once I clued in to the combination thing, baby and I were both so much happier – she was better fed and slept better, I got to sleep more and felt much less stressed. Being less stressed made the other feeding times easier.
Finally, a thing I wish I'd done but didn't – the post-C-section physio exercises. It would have made a huge difference to how I felt then (and now) but I couldn't face getting down on the floor to make it happen. If she wants to do that and you can support her in any way (idk, rolling out the yoga mat, making sure the floor is clean, whatever), that might be a big help.
But honestly, mostly it's time, and listening carefully to what your partner asks for. Go gently. You'll all get through this.
(And congratulations on the new baby!)
posted by notquitejane at 7:11 AM on November 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
So to me, one of the biggest things you can do is to hold space for all of those emotions your partner might be feeling and support her through the storm. Being a calm, implacable presence is huge. If you can facilitate time for her to hang out with her own friends who've maybe had similar experiences, that might also help.
Another thing I wish I'd clued into sooner: combination feeding. If your partner is having trouble getting uninterrupted sleep and that is affecting her recovery, I'd recommend that you get up and feed the baby a bottle of formula for one of the midnight feeds. (Pumping is the worst.) Once I clued in to the combination thing, baby and I were both so much happier – she was better fed and slept better, I got to sleep more and felt much less stressed. Being less stressed made the other feeding times easier.
Finally, a thing I wish I'd done but didn't – the post-C-section physio exercises. It would have made a huge difference to how I felt then (and now) but I couldn't face getting down on the floor to make it happen. If she wants to do that and you can support her in any way (idk, rolling out the yoga mat, making sure the floor is clean, whatever), that might be a big help.
But honestly, mostly it's time, and listening carefully to what your partner asks for. Go gently. You'll all get through this.
(And congratulations on the new baby!)
posted by notquitejane at 7:11 AM on November 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
For the bed. Take a flat sheet and fold it in half. Then spread over the bed, with the top being just below pillow (but high enough that shoulder won't rest on the fold), then tuck it in tight. As tight as you can. Your partner can use that to get out of bed. It gives enough resistance to pull upright. So swing legs over edge, and then use hand under that sheet to pull self up to sitting position.
Husband made sure all my favourite foods were around. He didn't ask what I wanted for dinner, he would just say "I'm making bbq chicken tonight ok?" Which gave me a chance to give an opinion without having to make a decision, if that makes any sense. He went to "occasional" bakeries, restaurants for stuff.
Huge glasses of ice water with straw. Not a lot of ice, just the right amout.
One of the Harry Potter books had just come out. He came home from grocery store with it, and made sure I had some time each day to read. And that I did it. If I tried to fuss over something, he was firm about "I got it". He didn't do it all the time, just enough that I'd relax enough to read. I know this one is very particular to me, but I've always told the non birth parent about it. Just make it easy for partner to do something important to them?
I get all teary about that damn book now. It was just so sweet.
posted by Ftsqg at 7:13 AM on November 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
Husband made sure all my favourite foods were around. He didn't ask what I wanted for dinner, he would just say "I'm making bbq chicken tonight ok?" Which gave me a chance to give an opinion without having to make a decision, if that makes any sense. He went to "occasional" bakeries, restaurants for stuff.
Huge glasses of ice water with straw. Not a lot of ice, just the right amout.
One of the Harry Potter books had just come out. He came home from grocery store with it, and made sure I had some time each day to read. And that I did it. If I tried to fuss over something, he was firm about "I got it". He didn't do it all the time, just enough that I'd relax enough to read. I know this one is very particular to me, but I've always told the non birth parent about it. Just make it easy for partner to do something important to them?
I get all teary about that damn book now. It was just so sweet.
posted by Ftsqg at 7:13 AM on November 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
My wife had c-sections for both of our kids. Do anything she asks you to do. That's about it.
Though my wife didn't experience that much extreme pain or a long recovery time with her first - her second was a bit worse.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:21 AM on November 8, 2022
Though my wife didn't experience that much extreme pain or a long recovery time with her first - her second was a bit worse.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:21 AM on November 8, 2022
Haven't had a C-section but I gave birth about a week ago and my recovery has been slow due to a birth injury. I've basically been advised to be in bed, on the bed or near the bed - I have to remain on one floor, cannot go up and down stairs.
Nthing that it's HARD to be in recovery. It's frustrating to not be able to do everything you want to do, to be physically in pain or discomfort all the time, to have limited mobility, to be reliant on somebody else to help you take care of you and your baby.
Sounds like you're already doing all the things you're supposed to be doing - bringing her food, water, snacks, in bed, dishes, laundry, letting her rest, etc. The only other suggestion I have is more mental reassurance. Keep telling her that this isn't forever and she WILL get better. That it's okay to need time to recover after childbirth, and that the more she rests now, the sooner she will get better. Every day, celebrate her little victories with her, things like yay, she's getting more mobile or she's doing some exercises/physio which are helping.
posted by spicytunaroll at 3:21 PM on November 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
Nthing that it's HARD to be in recovery. It's frustrating to not be able to do everything you want to do, to be physically in pain or discomfort all the time, to have limited mobility, to be reliant on somebody else to help you take care of you and your baby.
Sounds like you're already doing all the things you're supposed to be doing - bringing her food, water, snacks, in bed, dishes, laundry, letting her rest, etc. The only other suggestion I have is more mental reassurance. Keep telling her that this isn't forever and she WILL get better. That it's okay to need time to recover after childbirth, and that the more she rests now, the sooner she will get better. Every day, celebrate her little victories with her, things like yay, she's getting more mobile or she's doing some exercises/physio which are helping.
posted by spicytunaroll at 3:21 PM on November 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I want to thank everyone for their incredibly thoughtful comments -- we are doing well, and send love to all, and especially the other very new parents on this thread!
posted by SandCounty at 1:54 PM on November 17, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by SandCounty at 1:54 PM on November 17, 2022 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
good for you for asking.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:03 PM on November 7, 2022 [1 favorite]