Parents: what do you wish you knew in the first two weeks post-partum?
January 27, 2016 2:53 PM Subscribe
Approaching 37 weeks, and all the anxieties of new-mommyhood abound. I've read extensively, bought all the recommended recovery/ nursing/ baby comforting paraphernalia I think would be useful... and I'm still acutely aware that this is our first go-round and my husband and I have ZERO idea what to expect (other than sleep deprivation, a sense of despair, and unpredictability).
That said, I'm looking to you always-helpful Mefites: in hindsight, what does a new mom absolutely have to know about those first two hair-raising weeks post-partum? What was most helpful/useful in terms of preparation (whether it's a THING, or any specific help you solicited from friends/ family)? I'm looking for answers like "make sure you have a large bottle of water next to your nursing station because you're going to get really thirsty", etc. Little things that made a world of difference in those stark moments when you're sleep deprived and you're the only one that can stop a wee little helpless being from needy crying (can you sense the trepidation/ fear here)? Appreciate both baby-related advice as well as new-mom recovery tips.
Thank you, MeFites. I am truly indebted to your experience and foresight in this regard. TIA!
That said, I'm looking to you always-helpful Mefites: in hindsight, what does a new mom absolutely have to know about those first two hair-raising weeks post-partum? What was most helpful/useful in terms of preparation (whether it's a THING, or any specific help you solicited from friends/ family)? I'm looking for answers like "make sure you have a large bottle of water next to your nursing station because you're going to get really thirsty", etc. Little things that made a world of difference in those stark moments when you're sleep deprived and you're the only one that can stop a wee little helpless being from needy crying (can you sense the trepidation/ fear here)? Appreciate both baby-related advice as well as new-mom recovery tips.
Thank you, MeFites. I am truly indebted to your experience and foresight in this regard. TIA!
Accept help from any and all that offer. If they don't offer, ask for help.
Drink lots of water and eat frequently.
posted by Cuke at 2:58 PM on January 27, 2016 [10 favorites]
Drink lots of water and eat frequently.
posted by Cuke at 2:58 PM on January 27, 2016 [10 favorites]
I will tell you that as a willing pair of hands I WANT you to call me, even if it's just to watch the baby while you nap. I promise, I will drop what I'm doing and rush over. I expect laundry to be all over the place and dishes in the sink. You go on back to bed, I've got this.
Seriously, round up volunteers who will come relieve you guys. We love holding neonates, and we want you to get some rest.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:03 PM on January 27, 2016 [22 favorites]
Seriously, round up volunteers who will come relieve you guys. We love holding neonates, and we want you to get some rest.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:03 PM on January 27, 2016 [22 favorites]
Life goes on. You will still be you. You will remember thinking what you're thinking now. You don't actually need to have things like water bottles near the bed prepared in advance, because you will still be capable of figuring that stuff out in the moment.
(I do not say this to be snarky. It was actually a revelation to me. My whole world was split into "before" and "after," and once "after" started I was like WAIT THIS IS A CONTINUATION OF BEFORE, WHO TRICKED ME. But if more preparation makes you feel better right now, go for it.)
posted by cogitron at 3:04 PM on January 27, 2016 [19 favorites]
(I do not say this to be snarky. It was actually a revelation to me. My whole world was split into "before" and "after," and once "after" started I was like WAIT THIS IS A CONTINUATION OF BEFORE, WHO TRICKED ME. But if more preparation makes you feel better right now, go for it.)
posted by cogitron at 3:04 PM on January 27, 2016 [19 favorites]
SLEEP IS IMPORTANT. For you, for baby, for all living things. It's true that babies have wonky sleep habits (they don't even know how to poop when they're born, sleep that is in any way sane is like phd level babying) and everyone will just take it as a given that new parents are sleep-deprived. However, the need you will likely feel for sleep is not weakness, it is not being a bad mother, it doesn't mean you don't love your baby. It means that without adequate sleep, humans go literally crazy (there is a big big link between PPD and sleep deprivation) and become seriously ill and your body and mind know this. Babies can also become sleep deprived if they don't get adequate sleep (which, ironically, make it more difficult for them to get to sleep). Do what you need to do to get sleep for you and for your baby. What this looks like for every baby and parent is different, you might need to experiment, you might need to try some things you never thought you'd try, but sleep hygiene is not a trivial matter.
posted by soren_lorensen at 3:11 PM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by soren_lorensen at 3:11 PM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]
My first weeks after baby were remarkably easy with both of mine. I know I was lucky but don't go into it thinking it's going to be awful. Only worry about you and the little one, sleep, eat and try and enjoy. The first weeks go so fast.
posted by pearlybob at 3:12 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by pearlybob at 3:12 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
Stations of nuts/granola bars/dried fruit/one handed proteiny snacks everywhere you would possibly sit down.
My house was nut bowl central for a while (still kinda is). All of a sudden you will be STARVING RIGHT NOW and you won't be able to move if the baby is on you. It's good to set up ahead of time for this.
Also juice/milkshakes/coconut water. The thirst is real and water gets boring and you need the calories, so might as well drink something fun.
When people ask you what they can do, tell them they can drop off takeout food at your door and not come in and that you will invite them over later to meet the baby once things aren't so crazy. Tell them to pick 3-4 of their favorite things from a restaurant and just get them, don't ask you what you want.
Everyone who wants to visit must bring snacks or juice, even if you think you have enough for now, you won't tomorrow.
Also ask people to run the dishwasher/take out the trash for you (if that is applicable) if they do come over.
When people come over, ask them to take a picture of you as a family together (even though you will feel gross and not photogenic). No one has to see the photos if they suck. I have a bunch of pics of the babies with my relatives, but none of me and the babies and my husband all together (usually one of us is holding the camera). Wish I had gotten visitors to take family pictures of us instead of just taking some of them holding our babies.
People will offer to take the baby and relieve you for a while. You will not be able to take them up on this offer for at least a few months because of feeding schedules or trust or whatever. Tell them you will get back to them on it and that there will be a time soon that you will want that help.
For now they can sit with you.
Ask your friends to check in with you often by text. It gets lonely and boring sometimes in the middle of the night but also at the same time you might not be up for visitors. Texting helps. Tell friends to tell you what is going on with them and that the conversation doesn't need to be all about crying and boobs and poop, though you will indeed need to talk about that stuff too.
Don't worry about how insanely angry you might get at yourself/the baby/your SO. It will pass and it does not mean anything other than that you are very tired.
Things really do change around 6-8 weeks and then again at 4 months and again at 6 months. It gets easier with each shift. Those first weeks are endless and it feels like it will be forever. It will change. It really changes. Even for you it will change. You will not be the only person in history for whom it does not get easier (I was pretty convinced of this). Day and night become separate again. You can make it.
posted by rmless at 3:16 PM on January 27, 2016 [16 favorites]
My house was nut bowl central for a while (still kinda is). All of a sudden you will be STARVING RIGHT NOW and you won't be able to move if the baby is on you. It's good to set up ahead of time for this.
Also juice/milkshakes/coconut water. The thirst is real and water gets boring and you need the calories, so might as well drink something fun.
When people ask you what they can do, tell them they can drop off takeout food at your door and not come in and that you will invite them over later to meet the baby once things aren't so crazy. Tell them to pick 3-4 of their favorite things from a restaurant and just get them, don't ask you what you want.
Everyone who wants to visit must bring snacks or juice, even if you think you have enough for now, you won't tomorrow.
Also ask people to run the dishwasher/take out the trash for you (if that is applicable) if they do come over.
When people come over, ask them to take a picture of you as a family together (even though you will feel gross and not photogenic). No one has to see the photos if they suck. I have a bunch of pics of the babies with my relatives, but none of me and the babies and my husband all together (usually one of us is holding the camera). Wish I had gotten visitors to take family pictures of us instead of just taking some of them holding our babies.
People will offer to take the baby and relieve you for a while. You will not be able to take them up on this offer for at least a few months because of feeding schedules or trust or whatever. Tell them you will get back to them on it and that there will be a time soon that you will want that help.
For now they can sit with you.
Ask your friends to check in with you often by text. It gets lonely and boring sometimes in the middle of the night but also at the same time you might not be up for visitors. Texting helps. Tell friends to tell you what is going on with them and that the conversation doesn't need to be all about crying and boobs and poop, though you will indeed need to talk about that stuff too.
Don't worry about how insanely angry you might get at yourself/the baby/your SO. It will pass and it does not mean anything other than that you are very tired.
Things really do change around 6-8 weeks and then again at 4 months and again at 6 months. It gets easier with each shift. Those first weeks are endless and it feels like it will be forever. It will change. It really changes. Even for you it will change. You will not be the only person in history for whom it does not get easier (I was pretty convinced of this). Day and night become separate again. You can make it.
posted by rmless at 3:16 PM on January 27, 2016 [16 favorites]
Our baby boy's cry went straight to our brains. Like, we're already exhausted and not always sure what to do and then THAT SOUND made us crazy. Until we figured out how to make it funny https://vimeo.com/127152375
posted by john m at 3:16 PM on January 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by john m at 3:16 PM on January 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
I agree with the above comment that not everyone has a terrible time those first two weeks. But I do think that if you have that expectation, a lot of times you are pleasantly surprised. That being said, here is what got me through those first weeks...
If you have the ability, stock your freezer with crockpot meals. Yes, it's great to have people drop off food, but you can't count on that happening. Take matters into your own hands while you still have the time, go to Costco, and load up 10 freezer bags with different meals. This was a lifesaver for us when family and friend meals died down.
Earth Mama Angel Baby Nipple Cream - I give this to any new moms that are planning on breastfeeding now. Lanolin is disgustingly sticky and I'm pretty sure it can't be good for baby. EMAB is all natural and moisturizes like nothing I've seen before. I still use it on my elbows and other dry spots. It's absolutely amazing.
Rock and plays are amazing for those early weeks. Easily transportable around the house and even to family and friend's houses.
Buy a package of most discreet adult diapers you can find. Totally worth it for the first few days you get home.
If you aren't already a prime member- join now! I can't tell you how many times I ordered more diapers or household supplies while rocking our little one at 4am. And having things arrive 48 hours later is amazing when you're still used to the charade of getting out of the house with a baby.
Good luck! As a mom to an almost two year old, ENJOY that sweet baby while it's little and doesn't have opinions!
posted by nataliecay at 3:28 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
If you have the ability, stock your freezer with crockpot meals. Yes, it's great to have people drop off food, but you can't count on that happening. Take matters into your own hands while you still have the time, go to Costco, and load up 10 freezer bags with different meals. This was a lifesaver for us when family and friend meals died down.
Earth Mama Angel Baby Nipple Cream - I give this to any new moms that are planning on breastfeeding now. Lanolin is disgustingly sticky and I'm pretty sure it can't be good for baby. EMAB is all natural and moisturizes like nothing I've seen before. I still use it on my elbows and other dry spots. It's absolutely amazing.
Rock and plays are amazing for those early weeks. Easily transportable around the house and even to family and friend's houses.
Buy a package of most discreet adult diapers you can find. Totally worth it for the first few days you get home.
If you aren't already a prime member- join now! I can't tell you how many times I ordered more diapers or household supplies while rocking our little one at 4am. And having things arrive 48 hours later is amazing when you're still used to the charade of getting out of the house with a baby.
Good luck! As a mom to an almost two year old, ENJOY that sweet baby while it's little and doesn't have opinions!
posted by nataliecay at 3:28 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
The thing that I didn't expect, and that I found hardest to deal with, was the difficulty I had with breastfeeding. It sounds easy, but it's sometimes not. Have a GOOD lactation consultant's number on hand to have them come to you to help if needed. Also, I am a person who is highly educated and who read a lot, but I still somehow missed, and was therefore unprepared for, just how much time babies can spend feeding when they're new. Seriously, my baby spent 45 minutes out of EVERY HOUR on the boob (once we figured out how to do that). Set NO expectations for getting anything done aside from feeding the baby. Your partner can do everything else. Your job is to feed the baby and sleep.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 3:30 PM on January 27, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by rabbitrabbit at 3:30 PM on January 27, 2016 [14 favorites]
You're always winging it, basically. You make up everything as you go and that's OK.
That is to say: unless you're leaving babby in precarious places around the house you're doing just fine. A friend told this to me before my first child and it turned all the insecurities from "terrifying existential dread" into "this feeling of being completely lost is completely natural."
Congratulations!
posted by Tevin at 3:31 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
That is to say: unless you're leaving babby in precarious places around the house you're doing just fine. A friend told this to me before my first child and it turned all the insecurities from "terrifying existential dread" into "this feeling of being completely lost is completely natural."
Congratulations!
posted by Tevin at 3:31 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
Acupuncture. Your husband, too. It helps with the transition.
posted by jbenben at 3:33 PM on January 27, 2016
posted by jbenben at 3:33 PM on January 27, 2016
One more thing... I also found the wonder weeks (google it) comforting during the times when I thought our little one was possessed. There were so many times when his attitude was right on track with a "stormy" time and it was reassuring to know that it wouldn't last forever and was totally normal.
posted by nataliecay at 3:35 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by nataliecay at 3:35 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
You can set the baby down. It took me days of being incredibly tired to realize that he could manage in the crib while I go pee. Logically that's a no brainer but no one is in their right mind then.
You'll probably want some entertainment that involves little to no touching/a free hand to operate. The first few days of breastfeeding go by fast but after several days of all day holding/feeding you'll want some form of stimulation.
posted by toomanycurls at 3:37 PM on January 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
You'll probably want some entertainment that involves little to no touching/a free hand to operate. The first few days of breastfeeding go by fast but after several days of all day holding/feeding you'll want some form of stimulation.
posted by toomanycurls at 3:37 PM on January 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
Backup your photos.
Yes, as natalicay said, nipple cream. Find one you like. I used the bamboobies one. And the Wonder Weeks book. Wish we'd had that sooner.
Throw out your copy of What To Expect The First Year if you have it. I know eight moms who agree with me on that one.
Your child's pediatrician is your friend. Make sure you have one you like and don't feel shy about asking her for advice.
Yes, if you have lactation nurses available to you, check in with them if breastfeeding isn't going well. The hospital where I gave birth had drop-in lactation consultant sessions for $15.
Don't be hard on yourself for doing things differently than you thought you would, such as: epidural (mine was a gift from the gods, goddesses, and all the heavenly host), supplementing with formula, different sleeping arrangement than you hoped, etc. Your baby is his/her own person from the beginning and may not be on board with your plans. That's okay! The beginning of deflecting the mommy guilting starts with not going there yourself.
Have easy snacks/leftovers available for you in the middle of the night.
Enjoy the rush of the first few days/weeks! And congratulations!
posted by Pearl928 at 3:40 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yes, as natalicay said, nipple cream. Find one you like. I used the bamboobies one. And the Wonder Weeks book. Wish we'd had that sooner.
Throw out your copy of What To Expect The First Year if you have it. I know eight moms who agree with me on that one.
Your child's pediatrician is your friend. Make sure you have one you like and don't feel shy about asking her for advice.
Yes, if you have lactation nurses available to you, check in with them if breastfeeding isn't going well. The hospital where I gave birth had drop-in lactation consultant sessions for $15.
Don't be hard on yourself for doing things differently than you thought you would, such as: epidural (mine was a gift from the gods, goddesses, and all the heavenly host), supplementing with formula, different sleeping arrangement than you hoped, etc. Your baby is his/her own person from the beginning and may not be on board with your plans. That's okay! The beginning of deflecting the mommy guilting starts with not going there yourself.
Have easy snacks/leftovers available for you in the middle of the night.
Enjoy the rush of the first few days/weeks! And congratulations!
posted by Pearl928 at 3:40 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
Oh, and I will say, apart from the difficulty I had with breastfeeding initially, the first few weeks were not terrible at all. We coslept, so I dozed while my baby fed and I don't think I got out of bed before 10am at all for at least the first month. We didn't plan on cosleeping, it was just the easiest way to solve the baby wants to eat/mommy wants to sleep problem. So just go with whatever works for you, and you really should be fine. You won't necessarily be sleep deprived, and you won't necessarily feel overwhelmed. As long as you don't plan on doing much else, it'll almost feel like a vacation. A weird adventure vacation.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 3:59 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by rabbitrabbit at 3:59 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
First secret? You're going to think you're doing this all wrong, and you will actually be doing just fine. Agreed that breastfeeding is something that felt harder than I'd imagined. It will hurt a bit and your body will hurt a bit. Be sure to keep on top of your pain with whatever meds work for you. It makes everything else easier. Get a giant cup and keep it filled with water somewhere nearby you. You'll be very thirsty and making milk takes lots of fluids. If you can, get someone to make you individual servings of something that's quick to heat up. Also have stuff that you can just grab and stuff in your mouth. You're going to be super hungry too. Your body will look surprisingly different those first few weeks and it can be disorienting. It's going to keep changing. Don't panic. It just did something amazing and grew a person! Everyone says sleep when the baby sleeps, and that is absolutely solid advice. I found it was really hard to actually get myself to fall asleep in those first few weeks though. The second time around, I heard somewhere that even just resting with your eyes closed gives you something like 80% of the benefit of actually sleeping. So even just rest with your eyes closed. My mom also gave me some of the best advice ever. It's ok to put the baby down sometimes, and sometimes the baby even wants a quiet minute. Give yourself permission to eat something, or to pee or whatever for a few minutes. If nothing gets done in a day besides keeping the two of you alive? That's a success!!
Those first few weeks are the hardest and the most amazing weeks of my life. Ask for help, treat yourself gently and sniff that tiny baby head as much as possible.
posted by goggie at 4:03 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
Those first few weeks are the hardest and the most amazing weeks of my life. Ask for help, treat yourself gently and sniff that tiny baby head as much as possible.
posted by goggie at 4:03 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
Pain meds: csection or vaginal birth take pain meds if you need them! There is a lot of focus on pain management during birth and we don't talk about it much for post partum. There were moments after having my son (c section) where I thought I should tough it out and not take the pain meds as prescribed. That is always when I felt the worse and also had the hardest times managing my emotions. Give your body a break, take pain meds if you need them!
Diapers: Dad can change them all! Hand off the baby and use those moments to breathe, eat, drink, check your phone, go to the bathroom. They will have sweet bonding time and you will change plenty of diapers anyway.
posted by Swisstine at 4:11 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
Diapers: Dad can change them all! Hand off the baby and use those moments to breathe, eat, drink, check your phone, go to the bathroom. They will have sweet bonding time and you will change plenty of diapers anyway.
posted by Swisstine at 4:11 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
The first few weeks were easy peasy except for the breastfeeding (which was terrible terrible terrrrrible though I did persevere and got through it and nursed for over a year). Most babies are pretty sleepy for the first couple of weeks. They eat, they sleep, they poop. But then after those first few weeks they tend to "wake up" and that's when shit gets really real. AND THEN THEY START MOVING INDEPENDENTLY!
posted by soren_lorensen at 4:16 PM on January 27, 2016
posted by soren_lorensen at 4:16 PM on January 27, 2016
Remember that however difficult it seems at times, whatever is making you crazy won't last forever. For years, my mantra was, "She won't be doing this when she's 18."
posted by FencingGal at 4:17 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by FencingGal at 4:17 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
When your doctor tells you "Don't lift anything heavier than your baby and take it as easy as possible for 6 weeks," LISTEN TO THEM.
posted by erst at 4:17 PM on January 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by erst at 4:17 PM on January 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
You know how everyone asks you how you are feeling all the time right now and they treat you like an adorable delicate pregnant flower? Well, expect that to end the moment you have the baby. All of the focus will shift to baby, which is great, but remember to care for yourself as well and make sure that your partner does too. I found that abrupt shift in focus very jarring. YMMV.
posted by amro at 4:31 PM on January 27, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by amro at 4:31 PM on January 27, 2016 [6 favorites]
It's okay if you decide to quit breastfeeding, or decide not to do it at all. I nursed both of my children well past 12 months, but my husband and I agreed in the beginning that it was okay if I stopped at any time, for any reason. I firmly believe that the option to quit kept me going through the hard parts with my firstborn.
If the baby is fed, clean, and loved, you're golden. Everything else is just gilding. Including a spotless house.
posted by cooker girl at 4:32 PM on January 27, 2016 [10 favorites]
If the baby is fed, clean, and loved, you're golden. Everything else is just gilding. Including a spotless house.
posted by cooker girl at 4:32 PM on January 27, 2016 [10 favorites]
Read up on safe co-sleeping guidelines even if you plan on never co-sleeping. In fact, I'd highly recommend reading the entirety of James McKenna's webpage. Breastfeeding causes both babies and mothers to become really really sleepy because oxytocin is released in both. If you're breastfeeding, you will doze off with your baby at some point. Because many women in the US are afraid of "bedsharing," many women will end up dozing off in a rocker, recliner, or on a couch with their baby. But this is actually the most dangerous form of bedsharing. Rockers and recliners are very real fall risks (even if you feel like you're holding your baby firmly) and couches are full of plush cushions on which a baby could easily suffocate.
The basics for safe co-sleeping are:
Also Happiest Baby on the Block. Some really basic stuff, but it made me and my husband feel like parenting pros.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:52 PM on January 27, 2016 [11 favorites]
The basics for safe co-sleeping are:
- firm mattress
- tight-fitting sheets
- no plush comforters or cushy bedding
- fall risks minimized
- parent should be non-smoker and breastfeeding
- no drinking or drugs which might make you sleep more deeply than normal
Also Happiest Baby on the Block. Some really basic stuff, but it made me and my husband feel like parenting pros.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:52 PM on January 27, 2016 [11 favorites]
It's perfectly permissible to not have visitors and just lie around all day. Don't feel obligated to DO anything besides bond with your baby.
posted by alltomorrowsparties at 4:58 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by alltomorrowsparties at 4:58 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
Buy some Depends for the first week or so - life is a lot easier when you don't need to worry about bleeding all over your underpants.
posted by barnoley at 4:59 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by barnoley at 4:59 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
In addition to nipple cream, they make moisturising gel pads you can keep in the fridge and then stick in your bra.
My kid's favourite place to sleep was in the bathroom with the fan on - we had a padded change table in there, and it's kind of echo-y and the fan was pretty loud. Something about the quality of the white noise I think.
Nth the adult diapers. Those were great.
Have a way of ordering take-out quickly and easily.
What PhoBWanKenobi says is true, on both accounts. I was so stressed out about sleeping safely and was so sleep deprived that ultimately the safest thing I could figure out to do was to co-sleep purposefully and follow the guidelines. I was falling asleep sitting up breastfeeding unintentionally anyway, and that was scary.
Have two code words, one for "get the baby back" and another for "get everybody out of our house".
After giving birth your ligaments and muscles are all stretched out and weird and you sort of have this floppy duck/clown-footed walking thing. It took a long long time for me to get out and about again and I thought I'd never feel normal. I do now, but it took months and months longer than everyone said it would. Walk lots and hang in there.
If you feel you need or want to see a physical therapist who specialises in pelvic floor issues it is totally worth it.
Stay away from Google and internet parenting/baby stuff. Spend that time reading about your hobbies and stuff. Internet parenting trope is crazy-making, and reading for your own interests will make you feel more human.
posted by jrobin276 at 5:11 PM on January 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
My kid's favourite place to sleep was in the bathroom with the fan on - we had a padded change table in there, and it's kind of echo-y and the fan was pretty loud. Something about the quality of the white noise I think.
Nth the adult diapers. Those were great.
Have a way of ordering take-out quickly and easily.
What PhoBWanKenobi says is true, on both accounts. I was so stressed out about sleeping safely and was so sleep deprived that ultimately the safest thing I could figure out to do was to co-sleep purposefully and follow the guidelines. I was falling asleep sitting up breastfeeding unintentionally anyway, and that was scary.
Have two code words, one for "get the baby back" and another for "get everybody out of our house".
After giving birth your ligaments and muscles are all stretched out and weird and you sort of have this floppy duck/clown-footed walking thing. It took a long long time for me to get out and about again and I thought I'd never feel normal. I do now, but it took months and months longer than everyone said it would. Walk lots and hang in there.
If you feel you need or want to see a physical therapist who specialises in pelvic floor issues it is totally worth it.
Stay away from Google and internet parenting/baby stuff. Spend that time reading about your hobbies and stuff. Internet parenting trope is crazy-making, and reading for your own interests will make you feel more human.
posted by jrobin276 at 5:11 PM on January 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
You might find it very, very hard to be away from your baby. This isn't the case for everyone, but the intensity of it can come as quite a shock if it happens to you.
You might have very vivid, very terrifying mental pictures of something bad happening to your baby. This can be part of PND (which you and your loved ones should be on the lookout for anyway) but sometimes it's just your protective instincts going into terrifying overdrive for a little while. It helps to talk about it.
It's really common to wake up convinced you have somehow lost the baby in the bedcovers, even if the baby is in reality happily snoozing on the other side of the room.
There is a huge amount of really, really terrible advice about breastfeeding out there. Find well-informed sources you can trust.
It won't necessarily be hell. It might be fine. The first two weeks were super euphorically happy for me (week 4 hit me hard, though). But if it is hell, that doesn't mean you're failing, and it doesn't mean it will stay hell, and the same goes for any rough patches you go through in the months and years to come.
posted by Catseye at 5:14 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
You might have very vivid, very terrifying mental pictures of something bad happening to your baby. This can be part of PND (which you and your loved ones should be on the lookout for anyway) but sometimes it's just your protective instincts going into terrifying overdrive for a little while. It helps to talk about it.
It's really common to wake up convinced you have somehow lost the baby in the bedcovers, even if the baby is in reality happily snoozing on the other side of the room.
There is a huge amount of really, really terrible advice about breastfeeding out there. Find well-informed sources you can trust.
It won't necessarily be hell. It might be fine. The first two weeks were super euphorically happy for me (week 4 hit me hard, though). But if it is hell, that doesn't mean you're failing, and it doesn't mean it will stay hell, and the same goes for any rough patches you go through in the months and years to come.
posted by Catseye at 5:14 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
I started writing this comment and got interrupted by my own little guy, so a lot of what I was going to say has already been said and I'm basically just nthing it:
If you have trouble breastfeeding, and have to supplement or switch to formula, THAT IS 110% OKAY. It doesn't mean you failed or didn't try hard enough or are any less of a mother. Formula is not baby junk food, and it won't somehow prevent your kid from getting into Yale, and your breasts won't psychically sense that the baby's eating formula and dry up in protest. Formula is a perfectly good plan B, or plan A for that matter.
Get a copy of The Happiest Baby on the Block, book or DVD. Newborns don't really know how to fall asleep and need a lot of help. You'll want to have a source of white noise, some kind of swaddley contraption (the Velcro things are a lot easier than the blankets), pacifiers, and some kind of bouncy baby chair or swing. You want the bouncy chair to require as little effort from you as possible, because some babies need A LOT of bouncing. We had a thing like this and it was a lifesaver because I could sit down and jiggle it with one foot.
Lots and lots of one-handed foods.
It is absolutely fine and normal if your baby arrives and you're not all instantly bonded or whatever. You may think "I love you, but who the hell are you?" You may feel like you're carrying around a fragile treasure or a bomb or a dragon egg or some other not-quite-human thing. That's okay. Just continue on your quest, keep yourself and your baby safe and healthy, and the schmoopy stuff will happen later. Babies don't really do anything for the first six to ten weeks; they're basically just booting up. Then they start to interact with the world, little by little, and that's when it starts to get rad.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:23 PM on January 27, 2016 [17 favorites]
If you have trouble breastfeeding, and have to supplement or switch to formula, THAT IS 110% OKAY. It doesn't mean you failed or didn't try hard enough or are any less of a mother. Formula is not baby junk food, and it won't somehow prevent your kid from getting into Yale, and your breasts won't psychically sense that the baby's eating formula and dry up in protest. Formula is a perfectly good plan B, or plan A for that matter.
Get a copy of The Happiest Baby on the Block, book or DVD. Newborns don't really know how to fall asleep and need a lot of help. You'll want to have a source of white noise, some kind of swaddley contraption (the Velcro things are a lot easier than the blankets), pacifiers, and some kind of bouncy baby chair or swing. You want the bouncy chair to require as little effort from you as possible, because some babies need A LOT of bouncing. We had a thing like this and it was a lifesaver because I could sit down and jiggle it with one foot.
Lots and lots of one-handed foods.
It is absolutely fine and normal if your baby arrives and you're not all instantly bonded or whatever. You may think "I love you, but who the hell are you?" You may feel like you're carrying around a fragile treasure or a bomb or a dragon egg or some other not-quite-human thing. That's okay. Just continue on your quest, keep yourself and your baby safe and healthy, and the schmoopy stuff will happen later. Babies don't really do anything for the first six to ten weeks; they're basically just booting up. Then they start to interact with the world, little by little, and that's when it starts to get rad.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:23 PM on January 27, 2016 [17 favorites]
The first two weeks aren't the hard part. All I'd really tell you to do in the first two weeks is lie in bed and eat ice cream and macaroni & cheese all you want and enjoy looking at your baby and snoozing and watching TLC and InvestigationDiscovery and IFC.
If I had it to do over again, I'd tell loved ones to wait to come until after the first two weeks to help, because it is then when you're gonna start to get hella tired and strung out and your hormones are gonna be all over the map, and it is THEN that you are gonna want somebody to come help you get some sleep and let you bathe and maybe even get outside for some fresh air.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:24 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
If I had it to do over again, I'd tell loved ones to wait to come until after the first two weeks to help, because it is then when you're gonna start to get hella tired and strung out and your hormones are gonna be all over the map, and it is THEN that you are gonna want somebody to come help you get some sleep and let you bathe and maybe even get outside for some fresh air.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:24 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
The very earliest weeks were sort of blissful, in the inexplicable way a drug-induced state can be. My daughter was born in late August, and I clearly remember going out on my porch with her and being amazed that leaves had changed colours and were busy falling off trees. My world had been reduced to nap/nurse/diaper/nap/nurse/diaper/"co-bathing"/there's a pizza? There's a pizza/repeat, and I got some good reading done in there, and some lovely staring at my baby -- I'm sure you'll have a very nice baby indeed, but my infant was the infant to beat all infants, the top infant in human history (you will believe this too; revel in it), and a flurry of diapering mess and leaking milk. And that was so all-absorbing that I was really surprised when I had the stark reminder that leaves had been changing colours. I read the newspaper every day; it didn't matter -- everything external to The Infant had not been registering. Time had stood still for me.
If the newspaper had a story about anything unfortunate happening to a pre-pubescent child I had a ridiculous let-down and sprayed milk everywhere. (Thankfully I like to read the paper in the bathtub.) I did not want the kid out of my sight. (Easy enough.) Getting one's milk supply regulated is a pain; engorgement is lousy and that couldn't pass soon enough. (Eventually you get to 'normal' and there's just milk in there but -- one nursing trick I did not read anywhere was to use your phone to prop up your breast as it goes from crazy-engorged to less engorged and your half-asleep newborn still needs the nipple in the same place, and you are unwilling to make a big position change both for the sake of the sleepy baby and losing your page in the book.)
Cuddling your baby releases soporific hormones in mum, so find safe places to co-sleep and, even if you can't fall asleep, lie there as a mattress with your kid on you -- the rest you get will be deeper than it will be if solo.
The best unexpected purchase was a big pack of 'Tena' brand disposable underpants. You can't use tampons. Pads are shifty and not up to the job. Just buy the adult diapers and revel in the luxury. They were surprisingly comfy, quiet, and undetectable (not that I would have cared at that time). I used cloth wipes, some cloth diapers, but, disposable diapers for ME were a wonderful thing. Also, it took a month before I could go to the toilet as usual -- things were so damaged that an improvised bidet with the showerhead was required; toilet paper may as well have been sandpaper.
Kate Figes' "Life After Birth" is a good read -- there is too much silence over what are apparently very common postpartum problems. Apparently 1% of women deal with fecal incontinence postpartum -- have you ever read about that? I hadn't, and I was appalled on their behalf, that that isn't widely advertised. Imagine crapping your pants and thinking you're the only one? You most certainly are not, for that and any other mammalian bit of blecch.
I also needed more places to set the kid down than I had anticipated. A cheap 'bouncy chair' next to the toilets, in the kitchen, etc -- those were invaluable. I was a big babywearer, but that didn't always work with a newborn and a sleep-deprived me and a stove or whatever.
Do try to fix moments in your mind -- it's a magical time and it just flies by. Old folk will stop you on the street and pat you both on the head and tell you to remember it -- they know what they're talking about! Infancy is very fleeting, and the newborn period goes by in a flash. Better to leave the house covered in used diapers and spend your awake time revelling in your tiny offspring -- you can clean a house later, but you absolutely cannot get those early weeks back.
posted by kmennie at 5:41 PM on January 27, 2016 [9 favorites]
If the newspaper had a story about anything unfortunate happening to a pre-pubescent child I had a ridiculous let-down and sprayed milk everywhere. (Thankfully I like to read the paper in the bathtub.) I did not want the kid out of my sight. (Easy enough.) Getting one's milk supply regulated is a pain; engorgement is lousy and that couldn't pass soon enough. (Eventually you get to 'normal' and there's just milk in there but -- one nursing trick I did not read anywhere was to use your phone to prop up your breast as it goes from crazy-engorged to less engorged and your half-asleep newborn still needs the nipple in the same place, and you are unwilling to make a big position change both for the sake of the sleepy baby and losing your page in the book.)
Cuddling your baby releases soporific hormones in mum, so find safe places to co-sleep and, even if you can't fall asleep, lie there as a mattress with your kid on you -- the rest you get will be deeper than it will be if solo.
The best unexpected purchase was a big pack of 'Tena' brand disposable underpants. You can't use tampons. Pads are shifty and not up to the job. Just buy the adult diapers and revel in the luxury. They were surprisingly comfy, quiet, and undetectable (not that I would have cared at that time). I used cloth wipes, some cloth diapers, but, disposable diapers for ME were a wonderful thing. Also, it took a month before I could go to the toilet as usual -- things were so damaged that an improvised bidet with the showerhead was required; toilet paper may as well have been sandpaper.
Kate Figes' "Life After Birth" is a good read -- there is too much silence over what are apparently very common postpartum problems. Apparently 1% of women deal with fecal incontinence postpartum -- have you ever read about that? I hadn't, and I was appalled on their behalf, that that isn't widely advertised. Imagine crapping your pants and thinking you're the only one? You most certainly are not, for that and any other mammalian bit of blecch.
I also needed more places to set the kid down than I had anticipated. A cheap 'bouncy chair' next to the toilets, in the kitchen, etc -- those were invaluable. I was a big babywearer, but that didn't always work with a newborn and a sleep-deprived me and a stove or whatever.
Do try to fix moments in your mind -- it's a magical time and it just flies by. Old folk will stop you on the street and pat you both on the head and tell you to remember it -- they know what they're talking about! Infancy is very fleeting, and the newborn period goes by in a flash. Better to leave the house covered in used diapers and spend your awake time revelling in your tiny offspring -- you can clean a house later, but you absolutely cannot get those early weeks back.
posted by kmennie at 5:41 PM on January 27, 2016 [9 favorites]
My first baby was a c-section and I took it easy and had my husband bring me the baby, etc, but my second baby was a VBAC and I felt like a million bucks and I bounced around the house and cleaned and cooked like a fiend the first couple of weeks, until the hormones started wearing off a tad, and then I dropped like a rock because I hadn't been sleeping when the baby slept, and I was way over-exhausted. So REALLY, you need to sleep when the baby sleeps, even if you feel like a million bucks.
posted by molasses at 5:42 PM on January 27, 2016
posted by molasses at 5:42 PM on January 27, 2016
You won't break the baby if you sit and watch Netflix all day or play playstation games (just maybe hold off on the zombie apocalypse games with a horror soundtrack). Screen time limits are for a few months and on.
You aren't a bad parent if you have some moments where all you can think of is how much you want to put the baby in a box and mail it back. Just don't actually do it.
If you feel the urge to lie on your postpartum depression screening at your followup visit, you should probably tell your OB that.
Lactation consultant visits are often covered by insurance. Did NOT know this the first time around.
Breastfeeding is different for everyone, but it can hurt like a motherfucker at the beginning. That doesn't necessarily mean the pain will continue forever.
You will probably have to learn how to leave the house again. It's amazing how hard it can seem. You will figure it out. You will be able to leave the house again just fine.
Most importantly,
IT GETS BETTER.
Congratulations and good luck!!
posted by telepanda at 5:42 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
You aren't a bad parent if you have some moments where all you can think of is how much you want to put the baby in a box and mail it back. Just don't actually do it.
If you feel the urge to lie on your postpartum depression screening at your followup visit, you should probably tell your OB that.
Lactation consultant visits are often covered by insurance. Did NOT know this the first time around.
Breastfeeding is different for everyone, but it can hurt like a motherfucker at the beginning. That doesn't necessarily mean the pain will continue forever.
You will probably have to learn how to leave the house again. It's amazing how hard it can seem. You will figure it out. You will be able to leave the house again just fine.
Most importantly,
IT GETS BETTER.
Congratulations and good luck!!
posted by telepanda at 5:42 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
Hormones are real. I couldn't stop crying for like 5 days. I got the opposite of energetic euphoria. If I did it again and had the money I would have hired a postpartum doula for at least a day or two.
posted by wannabecounselor at 5:51 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by wannabecounselor at 5:51 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
Just came in to second what others have said about breastfeeding being optional.
If at any point you want to stop because it's hurting or it's not working or it's making you miserable or for whatever the heck reason, do so.
Babies are better off with happy mums. If breastfeeding makes you happy, great! If not, stop with no guilt, and do what works for you.
posted by reshet at 6:13 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
If at any point you want to stop because it's hurting or it's not working or it's making you miserable or for whatever the heck reason, do so.
Babies are better off with happy mums. If breastfeeding makes you happy, great! If not, stop with no guilt, and do what works for you.
posted by reshet at 6:13 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
Buy lots of your favorite easy snacks ahead of time. For me, granola bars, bananas, string cheese and protein drinks. Something I could grab at 2am and snarf down when I got ravenous.
When I do postpartum doula work, I go through and cut up every piece of produce in the fridge that my clients haven't earmarked for something specific. I'll chop apples and carrots, peel oranges, process melons, then put them all in the fridge. Have someone do this for you. That bell pepper or orange will look a lot more appealing if someone has already cut it up for you.
You've already done this one, but Metafilter got me through my first postpartum time. It was something to read in the middle of the night! You might also figure out eReader stuff on your phone if you haven't already - books sometimes need two hands, and you'll only have one.
A thing that helped me with my first postpartum experience was having all the necessaries right by the bedside - the cosleeper we bought and used approximately twice was perfect for this. It was ad hoc changing station, plus it held my midnight snacks, my phone, giant water bottle, nursing pillow and assorted other things.
posted by linettasky at 6:13 PM on January 27, 2016
When I do postpartum doula work, I go through and cut up every piece of produce in the fridge that my clients haven't earmarked for something specific. I'll chop apples and carrots, peel oranges, process melons, then put them all in the fridge. Have someone do this for you. That bell pepper or orange will look a lot more appealing if someone has already cut it up for you.
You've already done this one, but Metafilter got me through my first postpartum time. It was something to read in the middle of the night! You might also figure out eReader stuff on your phone if you haven't already - books sometimes need two hands, and you'll only have one.
A thing that helped me with my first postpartum experience was having all the necessaries right by the bedside - the cosleeper we bought and used approximately twice was perfect for this. It was ad hoc changing station, plus it held my midnight snacks, my phone, giant water bottle, nursing pillow and assorted other things.
posted by linettasky at 6:13 PM on January 27, 2016
Whatever they're going through, it's just a stage. Waking every 45 minutes? It will pass. Got reflux? That's a stage too. Just when you get used to something, it goes away and something else will pop up to take its place so if you're at your wits end, know that it won't last. Also, Happiest baby on the block.
And if you're not completely euphoric every second and you have your doubts and you start crying and wonder why you did this and what's wrong with you? Completely normal. You're human, you're hormonal and you don't have a clue what you're doing. No one does, we all just try our best anyway and muddle through. If you're like that all the time though, get checked for post natal depression. You will experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It's pretty amazing.
posted by Jubey at 6:13 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
And if you're not completely euphoric every second and you have your doubts and you start crying and wonder why you did this and what's wrong with you? Completely normal. You're human, you're hormonal and you don't have a clue what you're doing. No one does, we all just try our best anyway and muddle through. If you're like that all the time though, get checked for post natal depression. You will experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It's pretty amazing.
posted by Jubey at 6:13 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
Right after being born the baby will sleep. YOU MUST SLEEP. Because....
After the first 24h outside the womb the baby realizes s/he is on the outside and will cry / nurse all night. This is normal. And good for your milk supply. But bad for sleep.
Bring a pad of paper and pen to the hospital. You will get so much info your head will spin. Write it down.
Don't leave the hospital without a good feeding plan (if breastfeeding doesn't work out right away). The lac consultants gave us a feed/pump schedule including ounces amounts that really helped things get going.
That being said don't be a hero, top up your baby with formula if you have to and as long as you keep nursing/pumping your milk will show up soon enough.
I got shit sleep co-sleeping but a bassinet right beside me worked perfectly. ymmv
Your newborn baby must eat every 3h. It's not doctors being stupid, it's necessary for baby to get on a positive growth trajectory. My baby had jaundice and would sleep past a feed and I hated to wake a peaceful sleeping baby for a feed but you must do it. After a few weeks you can feed on demand but in the beginning you must feed every 3h.
Make yourself some pad sickles - maxi pads soaked in gel and frozen. Soooo nice on your sore bits. Also soak your bits in bath salts to help recovery.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:15 PM on January 27, 2016
After the first 24h outside the womb the baby realizes s/he is on the outside and will cry / nurse all night. This is normal. And good for your milk supply. But bad for sleep.
Bring a pad of paper and pen to the hospital. You will get so much info your head will spin. Write it down.
Don't leave the hospital without a good feeding plan (if breastfeeding doesn't work out right away). The lac consultants gave us a feed/pump schedule including ounces amounts that really helped things get going.
That being said don't be a hero, top up your baby with formula if you have to and as long as you keep nursing/pumping your milk will show up soon enough.
I got shit sleep co-sleeping but a bassinet right beside me worked perfectly. ymmv
Your newborn baby must eat every 3h. It's not doctors being stupid, it's necessary for baby to get on a positive growth trajectory. My baby had jaundice and would sleep past a feed and I hated to wake a peaceful sleeping baby for a feed but you must do it. After a few weeks you can feed on demand but in the beginning you must feed every 3h.
Make yourself some pad sickles - maxi pads soaked in gel and frozen. Soooo nice on your sore bits. Also soak your bits in bath salts to help recovery.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:15 PM on January 27, 2016
I just had a baby so I have a lot to say on this topic!
Take a shower every day. If you have a vaginal birth, it's good for your bottom to keep it clean and get some warm water over it, and it will make you feel more like a human. Take fifteen minutes a day (at least) to do something for yourself. Also, if you have a vaginal delivery and things are kind of swollen, pour water on a newborn diaper or giant pad and freeze it. This is very relieving to swollen, bruisey tissues.
I'm no princess but I stayed in/on bed or the couch for a week or so. People brought me or led me to food and water and brought me my baby for feeding and snuggles. My midwife didn't want me going up and down the stairs more than twice a day so I had to pick a floor and stay on it. (Won't apply if you have a single level home.) Some people sleep best with their baby, I actually slept best if I knew he was with another responsible, awake person. As soon as I knew my mom or my husband had him, CLUNK. I was out like a light. Find out how you'll sleep best and do that whenever you can. NO HOUSEWORK. Everyone else can do the dishes. The parent who gives birth does no housework and changes no diapers at first.
Watch funny things with your partner. One hard thing about having a baby was that it made me love my husband SO MUCH MORE but I felt like we hardly saw each other because we were sleeping in shifts to take care of the baby. So we would make time to watch one half hour comedy show like Key & Peele or @Midnight. Laughing together was good for us. I was worried about getting PPD and I think keeping the mood light helped.
I made nursing and diaper changing stations around the house.
I had a really, really, REALLY hard time with breastfeeding. If you do, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. If it comes easily to you, that's AWESOME. If it doesn't, that's okay, you guys will figure it out. If not, formula isn't poison. I was sobbing one the phone with an LLL counselor at five days postpartum, sure that my baby hated me and why couldn't I just make my body do this one goddamn simple thing to feed him? If you plan to breastfeed, maybe have some of those numbers on hand ahead of time just in case.
And okay, this one is weird. BUT I SWEAR IT WORKS. If your baby is screaming and screaming and he or she isn't hungry, wet, cold, or any of the usual things, play this video. Don't watch it, it's super-creepy. Well, watch it once and laugh at it, but just once. It has two million hits, and 800 of those are from people in my household when my baby is screaming. It absolutely works. I don't know why and it's bizarre.
Good luck and congratulations! Breastfeeding issues aside, I didn't have a miserable time PP. I look back on it fondly, and I hope you do too.
posted by Aquifer at 6:23 PM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]
Take a shower every day. If you have a vaginal birth, it's good for your bottom to keep it clean and get some warm water over it, and it will make you feel more like a human. Take fifteen minutes a day (at least) to do something for yourself. Also, if you have a vaginal delivery and things are kind of swollen, pour water on a newborn diaper or giant pad and freeze it. This is very relieving to swollen, bruisey tissues.
I'm no princess but I stayed in/on bed or the couch for a week or so. People brought me or led me to food and water and brought me my baby for feeding and snuggles. My midwife didn't want me going up and down the stairs more than twice a day so I had to pick a floor and stay on it. (Won't apply if you have a single level home.) Some people sleep best with their baby, I actually slept best if I knew he was with another responsible, awake person. As soon as I knew my mom or my husband had him, CLUNK. I was out like a light. Find out how you'll sleep best and do that whenever you can. NO HOUSEWORK. Everyone else can do the dishes. The parent who gives birth does no housework and changes no diapers at first.
Watch funny things with your partner. One hard thing about having a baby was that it made me love my husband SO MUCH MORE but I felt like we hardly saw each other because we were sleeping in shifts to take care of the baby. So we would make time to watch one half hour comedy show like Key & Peele or @Midnight. Laughing together was good for us. I was worried about getting PPD and I think keeping the mood light helped.
I made nursing and diaper changing stations around the house.
I had a really, really, REALLY hard time with breastfeeding. If you do, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. If it comes easily to you, that's AWESOME. If it doesn't, that's okay, you guys will figure it out. If not, formula isn't poison. I was sobbing one the phone with an LLL counselor at five days postpartum, sure that my baby hated me and why couldn't I just make my body do this one goddamn simple thing to feed him? If you plan to breastfeed, maybe have some of those numbers on hand ahead of time just in case.
And okay, this one is weird. BUT I SWEAR IT WORKS. If your baby is screaming and screaming and he or she isn't hungry, wet, cold, or any of the usual things, play this video. Don't watch it, it's super-creepy. Well, watch it once and laugh at it, but just once. It has two million hits, and 800 of those are from people in my household when my baby is screaming. It absolutely works. I don't know why and it's bizarre.
Good luck and congratulations! Breastfeeding issues aside, I didn't have a miserable time PP. I look back on it fondly, and I hope you do too.
posted by Aquifer at 6:23 PM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]
Stay on top of your pain meds. If they say every four hours, take them every four hours. Set an alarm and do it.
Peri bottle. Tucks wipes. Softest pads you can find: they might be thick and you'll feel like you're wearing diapers too but trust me on this one if you end up with stitches.
It's okay to quit breastfeeding. IT'S OKAY TO QUIT BREASTFEEDING. You and only you get to decide if you want to stick with it, try harder, do it for a year or five, go straight to formula, pump exclusively, whatever. Your choice, there is no wrong decision. Your comfort, mental and physical, matters just as much. There are good lactation consultants and bad lactation consultants: please don't let anybody bully or guilt trip you. Enlist your partner for support in this, the mantra needs to be "mama's needs are just as important" because they are.
Sleep when baby sleeps is ideal, but you might be waaaay too wired to do that. Find a trusted caregiver (grandparents, friends, siblings, especially those who have tended a newborn before) and just give them the baby until he/she needs to nurse. Go lie down in a different room and just close your eyes. Trust that your baby is in safe hands and try to relax, you don't need to sleep but you do need to unwind. Constant vigilance is the most exhausting part.
posted by lydhre at 6:23 PM on January 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
Peri bottle. Tucks wipes. Softest pads you can find: they might be thick and you'll feel like you're wearing diapers too but trust me on this one if you end up with stitches.
It's okay to quit breastfeeding. IT'S OKAY TO QUIT BREASTFEEDING. You and only you get to decide if you want to stick with it, try harder, do it for a year or five, go straight to formula, pump exclusively, whatever. Your choice, there is no wrong decision. Your comfort, mental and physical, matters just as much. There are good lactation consultants and bad lactation consultants: please don't let anybody bully or guilt trip you. Enlist your partner for support in this, the mantra needs to be "mama's needs are just as important" because they are.
Sleep when baby sleeps is ideal, but you might be waaaay too wired to do that. Find a trusted caregiver (grandparents, friends, siblings, especially those who have tended a newborn before) and just give them the baby until he/she needs to nurse. Go lie down in a different room and just close your eyes. Trust that your baby is in safe hands and try to relax, you don't need to sleep but you do need to unwind. Constant vigilance is the most exhausting part.
posted by lydhre at 6:23 PM on January 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
"Sleep when baby sleeps is ideal, but you might be waaaay too wired to do that."
YES. For the first month of so, I had to do deep breathing and relaxation (where you start with your toes and relax all your muscles all the way up) to fall asleep because I was too tense.
posted by Aquifer at 6:27 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
YES. For the first month of so, I had to do deep breathing and relaxation (where you start with your toes and relax all your muscles all the way up) to fall asleep because I was too tense.
posted by Aquifer at 6:27 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
My #1 tip is to set the bar really low. Don't plan on getting out of bed much at all for the first two weeks - relax, feed that baby, and recover. Have other people bring you food. Don't worry about cleaning your house. Hire help if you have to, but just don't try to take it all on yourself!
Also - my husband and I had a deal where I would handle input (breastfeeding) and he would handle output (diapers). It worked really well and I didn't have to change very many diapers at all in the beginning. It felt like it evened the playing field a little.
Get the Wonder Weeks app (or book, I guess, but the app was easier for me) so when baby starts feeding like crazy at 6 weeks or stops sleeping at 4 months you'll know why. It's not you, it's them.
Prefold cloth diapers (like this) make excellent burp rags and if you have a spitty baby like I did (both times!) you'll go through them at an alarming rate, but it's so nice to just have a giant stack that you can rotate through.
This was mentioned already, but I'm seconding it - have somebody take a photo of you as a new family. I've got precious few of us with our first baby and next to none with our second. I wish I had more.
posted by meggan at 6:39 PM on January 27, 2016
Also - my husband and I had a deal where I would handle input (breastfeeding) and he would handle output (diapers). It worked really well and I didn't have to change very many diapers at all in the beginning. It felt like it evened the playing field a little.
Get the Wonder Weeks app (or book, I guess, but the app was easier for me) so when baby starts feeding like crazy at 6 weeks or stops sleeping at 4 months you'll know why. It's not you, it's them.
Prefold cloth diapers (like this) make excellent burp rags and if you have a spitty baby like I did (both times!) you'll go through them at an alarming rate, but it's so nice to just have a giant stack that you can rotate through.
This was mentioned already, but I'm seconding it - have somebody take a photo of you as a new family. I've got precious few of us with our first baby and next to none with our second. I wish I had more.
posted by meggan at 6:39 PM on January 27, 2016
HAPPIEST BABY ON THE BLOCK
Saved our lives.
Baby needs a swing. And little mittens so she doesn't scratch herself.
You need to take as much disposable underwear home from the hospital as they'll let you take, plus the ginormous pads they offer.
Consider getting a bidet attachment for your toilet. Easier than using a squirt bottle while still healing. Useful by hubby and afterwards because anuses.
Your husband will need to keep copious amounts of ice water Available at all times because breastfeeding makes you insanely thirsty.
Get a noise machine for when baby sleeps.
That's it! You'll do fine!
posted by wwartorff at 6:57 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
Saved our lives.
Baby needs a swing. And little mittens so she doesn't scratch herself.
You need to take as much disposable underwear home from the hospital as they'll let you take, plus the ginormous pads they offer.
Consider getting a bidet attachment for your toilet. Easier than using a squirt bottle while still healing. Useful by hubby and afterwards because anuses.
Your husband will need to keep copious amounts of ice water Available at all times because breastfeeding makes you insanely thirsty.
Get a noise machine for when baby sleeps.
That's it! You'll do fine!
posted by wwartorff at 6:57 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
Just bite their nails instead of using those little baby nail scissors when they are first born. I accidentally cut my week-old son's nail too short and he bled like a stuck pig and cried and cried. I was completely traumatized; I'm not sure if I have ever cried so hard as I did when that happened, due in large part undoubtedly to hormones, but it was very sad. Subsequent googling revealed I am far from the only one.
posted by gatorae at 7:00 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by gatorae at 7:00 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
Feeding every three hours - yes, it sucks. It feels like forever. It is not forever. You can and will get through the two weeks when you are waking the baby up to feed every three hours.
My baby kept me up all night with her tiny noises till my husband moved her into her own room at three weeks. I now get up only when she cries, feed her in her room (where the rocker is, etc), and then put her back in the crib and I go back to bed. It was terrifying to leave a tiny baby in a big room by herself but being able to actually SLEEP was a godsend.
In the mornings after my husband left I liked to feed the baby her breakfast in bed and then both take a nap together.
Low expectations are SO IMPORTANT. The first week or two, if all you do is feed the baby, feed yourself, and sleep? That's fine. I set a goal to shower every day - and I did, even if it was at 3:00pm and I was putting PJs back on.
After the first three weeks, I added a goal of making the bed every day. Then at around a month it was "shower, make the bed, go outside". Little goals helped me ease back into life.
Your hormones the first week may be insane. My friend related how she cried every night the first week post-partum, and I didn't believe her - until I also cried every night the first week post-partum. Usually for no reason. Once it was because there was pineapple in the fridge and if I didn't eat it it was going to go bad, but I didn't want to eat it. Straight up sobbed over that one.
I was not surprised by the baby-care needed, but I was surprised by how sick I got. Labor and delivery take a toll on your body. Do NOT be afraid to ask for help for yourself.
Other great responses here. I'm guessing if you feel lost or want some support in those early weeks, if you post to MeFi again or memail anyone offering advice, we'd be happy to help or give tips or reassure.
posted by kellygrape at 7:22 PM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]
My baby kept me up all night with her tiny noises till my husband moved her into her own room at three weeks. I now get up only when she cries, feed her in her room (where the rocker is, etc), and then put her back in the crib and I go back to bed. It was terrifying to leave a tiny baby in a big room by herself but being able to actually SLEEP was a godsend.
In the mornings after my husband left I liked to feed the baby her breakfast in bed and then both take a nap together.
Low expectations are SO IMPORTANT. The first week or two, if all you do is feed the baby, feed yourself, and sleep? That's fine. I set a goal to shower every day - and I did, even if it was at 3:00pm and I was putting PJs back on.
After the first three weeks, I added a goal of making the bed every day. Then at around a month it was "shower, make the bed, go outside". Little goals helped me ease back into life.
Your hormones the first week may be insane. My friend related how she cried every night the first week post-partum, and I didn't believe her - until I also cried every night the first week post-partum. Usually for no reason. Once it was because there was pineapple in the fridge and if I didn't eat it it was going to go bad, but I didn't want to eat it. Straight up sobbed over that one.
I was not surprised by the baby-care needed, but I was surprised by how sick I got. Labor and delivery take a toll on your body. Do NOT be afraid to ask for help for yourself.
Other great responses here. I'm guessing if you feel lost or want some support in those early weeks, if you post to MeFi again or memail anyone offering advice, we'd be happy to help or give tips or reassure.
posted by kellygrape at 7:22 PM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]
When I got out of the hospital with a healthy baby a couple days after my emergency c-section I felt completely broken. My legs and feet swelled in an insane way. It hurt to walk on them. Counterintuitively, to help fix this you need to drink insane amounts so that it will come out in your sweat. Speaking of which, every time I would wake up to feed the baby (every 2-3 hours) the sheets were soaked because of all the "night" (all-day) sweating. I couldn't get out of bed without help. If you have a c-section I recommend trying to roll off the bed on your side. Do not just try to sit up by yourself in the first few days. Also, don't forget your pain meds - this intense pain doesn't help you or your baby.
My digestive system was broken. I would definitely check if it is safe to take stool softeners for a few days before you are actually due, or at least keep that in mind when choosing what to eat. I have never been constipated before and this feeling was scary and extremely unpleasant. I heard from other friends who have experienced constipation that this is far worse than normal constipation. You will also find interesting stories about this if you google a bit...
My hormones set everything on this hopeless edge to the point where I figured the baby was probably better off without me. One day, I think day 5, I started crying because the bed wasn't made. I am not generally a person who cries at all (outside of tear jerker movies...) My husband called over 2 good friends who are moms and they just reassured me that I was doing great, that my baby will be alright. That kind of reassurance meant everything. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. I wouldn't have done it and am soo glad now that my husband did.
The worst part about this broken feeling is that while people said I would recover I couldn't find a timeline. Just that it "will happen in its own time." Well, to give you some hope, for me everything except breastfeeding and my broken hand got a million times better 2 weeks in. I could get out of bed by myself, walking wasn't as painful since my legs had stopped being ridiculously swollen. My hormones evened out a little and the crying for no real reason stopped. Even my digestive system got somewhat better.
People already mentioned above that breastfeeding is really a choice and you can stop if it's not working for you. For me it was excruciating and I dreaded it. I probably should have stopped, but even stopping seemed daunting. I had nearly every breastfeeding problem possible...
I found bamboobies, my brest friend pillow, Majamas The Easy Bra and lactation consultants to be significantly helpful...
TMI re: breastfeeding is at the bottom...
In addition to diapers and wipes and all those things you get before the baby is born, I would also get a nose frida. If your baby gets a cold it is very hard for him/her to eat. My baby really didn't like me sticking this into her nose, but it was worth it since it allowed her to eat and a hungry baby is really no fun. Boogie Wipes were also helpful.
I got a water bottle for every floor and asked my husband to fill them for me during the first few weeks while it was painful for me to get up and do stuff.
Zippered onesies are the easiest most practical thing to cloth the baby with. We inherited all her clothes from friends and I don't understand the point of the rest of the clothes.
--- TMI re: breastfeeding:
It started with latch problems made more difficult by a broken hand. (I fell a lot while pregnant and broke my hand a few days before delivery.) Despite the narcotics and insane quantities of ibuprofen the latch problems caused me to be in intense pain and my nipples to bleed - which takes some time to heal. My milk took a few days to come in. I think it was on day 3 colostrum started spraying out of my breast - literally a stream. I didn't realize this is what colostrum looked like, certainly not anything like milk and wasn't sure it was safe to give to my baby. I invited my friend who is a mother over who explained it was fine and helped me latch the baby. This was soon followed by engorgement, for some people this lasts for 48 hours, for me it lasted 2 weeks.
Because of the c-section and catheter I got a UTI, for which I was prescribed antibiotics which probably caused my thrush - sterilize everything and get medication for yourself and the baby. Thrush took a while longer to get through, I think a little after 2 months the thrush pain was mostly gone (also after prescription from the baby's pediatrician and a lactation consultant.)
I think I saw a lactation consultant at least 5 times. They were truly invaluable. They prescribed a mix of ointment for a nipple cream, they helped me figure out how to help the baby latch with a broken hand. They prescribed an ultrasound therapy for plugged ducts. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It doesn't mean you are failing as a mother.
I still have milk blisters which are pretty painful, but things are definitely way better than they were at the beginning.
I'm also still leaking, but that is more of an annoyance than actually painful. I recommend bamboobies, I tried some of the other pads, but this material felt the nicest against my breasts.
I spent a lot of time on this website: http://kellymom.com/category/bf/
--- end TMI re: breastfeeding
posted by fingerpuppet at 7:47 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
My digestive system was broken. I would definitely check if it is safe to take stool softeners for a few days before you are actually due, or at least keep that in mind when choosing what to eat. I have never been constipated before and this feeling was scary and extremely unpleasant. I heard from other friends who have experienced constipation that this is far worse than normal constipation. You will also find interesting stories about this if you google a bit...
My hormones set everything on this hopeless edge to the point where I figured the baby was probably better off without me. One day, I think day 5, I started crying because the bed wasn't made. I am not generally a person who cries at all (outside of tear jerker movies...) My husband called over 2 good friends who are moms and they just reassured me that I was doing great, that my baby will be alright. That kind of reassurance meant everything. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. I wouldn't have done it and am soo glad now that my husband did.
The worst part about this broken feeling is that while people said I would recover I couldn't find a timeline. Just that it "will happen in its own time." Well, to give you some hope, for me everything except breastfeeding and my broken hand got a million times better 2 weeks in. I could get out of bed by myself, walking wasn't as painful since my legs had stopped being ridiculously swollen. My hormones evened out a little and the crying for no real reason stopped. Even my digestive system got somewhat better.
People already mentioned above that breastfeeding is really a choice and you can stop if it's not working for you. For me it was excruciating and I dreaded it. I probably should have stopped, but even stopping seemed daunting. I had nearly every breastfeeding problem possible...
I found bamboobies, my brest friend pillow, Majamas The Easy Bra and lactation consultants to be significantly helpful...
TMI re: breastfeeding is at the bottom...
In addition to diapers and wipes and all those things you get before the baby is born, I would also get a nose frida. If your baby gets a cold it is very hard for him/her to eat. My baby really didn't like me sticking this into her nose, but it was worth it since it allowed her to eat and a hungry baby is really no fun. Boogie Wipes were also helpful.
I got a water bottle for every floor and asked my husband to fill them for me during the first few weeks while it was painful for me to get up and do stuff.
Zippered onesies are the easiest most practical thing to cloth the baby with. We inherited all her clothes from friends and I don't understand the point of the rest of the clothes.
--- TMI re: breastfeeding:
It started with latch problems made more difficult by a broken hand. (I fell a lot while pregnant and broke my hand a few days before delivery.) Despite the narcotics and insane quantities of ibuprofen the latch problems caused me to be in intense pain and my nipples to bleed - which takes some time to heal. My milk took a few days to come in. I think it was on day 3 colostrum started spraying out of my breast - literally a stream. I didn't realize this is what colostrum looked like, certainly not anything like milk and wasn't sure it was safe to give to my baby. I invited my friend who is a mother over who explained it was fine and helped me latch the baby. This was soon followed by engorgement, for some people this lasts for 48 hours, for me it lasted 2 weeks.
Because of the c-section and catheter I got a UTI, for which I was prescribed antibiotics which probably caused my thrush - sterilize everything and get medication for yourself and the baby. Thrush took a while longer to get through, I think a little after 2 months the thrush pain was mostly gone (also after prescription from the baby's pediatrician and a lactation consultant.)
I think I saw a lactation consultant at least 5 times. They were truly invaluable. They prescribed a mix of ointment for a nipple cream, they helped me figure out how to help the baby latch with a broken hand. They prescribed an ultrasound therapy for plugged ducts. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It doesn't mean you are failing as a mother.
I still have milk blisters which are pretty painful, but things are definitely way better than they were at the beginning.
I'm also still leaking, but that is more of an annoyance than actually painful. I recommend bamboobies, I tried some of the other pads, but this material felt the nicest against my breasts.
I spent a lot of time on this website: http://kellymom.com/category/bf/
--- end TMI re: breastfeeding
posted by fingerpuppet at 7:47 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
Diapers.com delivers everything in 24 hours - often the next day - and orders over $50 have free shipping. Don't be a hero and try to go to the store, just get it delivered. Whatever "it" is.
posted by Toddles at 8:58 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Toddles at 8:58 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
Also formula won't kill your baby. In fact it was designed to keep your baby alive. Use it.
posted by Toddles at 9:00 PM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 9:00 PM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]
I have a 7-month old and I can barely remember those weeks, which is probably a blessing. It was not as bad as I feared, we treated it like a 24-hour adventure for awhile and got through it ok.
People already covered a lot of ground but here are some things:
Do the baby handprint/footprint thing, because their hands and feet are ridiculously tiny and adorable. At my hospital they give you the ink and tell you to do it at home, in a box on the ceremonial birth certificate. I meant to, really I did, but yea that didn't happen and I wish I had.
If your insurance offers a home nurse visit, do it. It was helpful to have someone take a look at what we were doing and reassure us that it was going fine.
People really will bring you dinner, so take them up on that. It was hard for me to accept help but I was grateful to not have to figure out food for the first week or so.
posted by cabingirl at 9:07 PM on January 27, 2016
People already covered a lot of ground but here are some things:
Do the baby handprint/footprint thing, because their hands and feet are ridiculously tiny and adorable. At my hospital they give you the ink and tell you to do it at home, in a box on the ceremonial birth certificate. I meant to, really I did, but yea that didn't happen and I wish I had.
If your insurance offers a home nurse visit, do it. It was helpful to have someone take a look at what we were doing and reassure us that it was going fine.
People really will bring you dinner, so take them up on that. It was hard for me to accept help but I was grateful to not have to figure out food for the first week or so.
posted by cabingirl at 9:07 PM on January 27, 2016
1) My recommendation is to have a lactation consultant evaluate your latch even if you think it's going OK. Much of the pain people experience in breastfeeding is from a mediocre latch and/or improper method of getting the baby off the nipple. My mom is a labor & delivery (sometimes post-partum) nurse and she repeatedly corrected my newborn's latch and it made a huge difference and I never had nipple pain, except once when I took the baby off without breaking the suction. I know people having extended, repeated pain: I suspect this could have been helped with a professional.
2) Don't read baby sleep articles or blogs in the middle of the night. Read that Happiest Baby book and learn to do a good swaddle but if it doesn't work for you (we had limited success with the swaddle after a few weeks) and you can't put your baby down ever at all, don't worry about it too much (agree with earlier poster about safe bed-sharing, know how beforehand - I wish we'd set up a separate bed for my partner). A lot of the baby sleep patterns will change later pretty much on their own but really, the online stuff can make you crazy and it's very confusing during the first weeks especially on your phone in the middle of the night.
3) I wish I'd gotten a sling or other lightweight carrier right away. We have an Ergo but I'd heard mixed things about various other carriers and slings so I didn't get one, but in retrospect, I wish I had, particularly in those first weeks. There is a modestly priced one by JJ Cole that seems easier than most. It's so much less bulky than the Ergo.
4) Other than a few exceptions, don't let people touch your baby, particularly friends who have toddlers/small children of their own. Be aggressive about the handwashing. I didn't want to be "that parent," but dealing with a sick tiny baby is miserable. A fever becomes a hospital stay very rapidly, with a lots of unpleasant tests.
5) Someone later said that she was told that you wake up with a new baby every day. I wish I'd known that. I think it's good to try things more than once or twice - the baby doesn't like X and then after 10 times, suddenly likes X. Or likes it, then doesn't, then does... Anyway, keep trying stuff. I wish I'd known that it's normal or be inconsistent and I would have tried more different things.
posted by vunder at 9:09 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
2) Don't read baby sleep articles or blogs in the middle of the night. Read that Happiest Baby book and learn to do a good swaddle but if it doesn't work for you (we had limited success with the swaddle after a few weeks) and you can't put your baby down ever at all, don't worry about it too much (agree with earlier poster about safe bed-sharing, know how beforehand - I wish we'd set up a separate bed for my partner). A lot of the baby sleep patterns will change later pretty much on their own but really, the online stuff can make you crazy and it's very confusing during the first weeks especially on your phone in the middle of the night.
3) I wish I'd gotten a sling or other lightweight carrier right away. We have an Ergo but I'd heard mixed things about various other carriers and slings so I didn't get one, but in retrospect, I wish I had, particularly in those first weeks. There is a modestly priced one by JJ Cole that seems easier than most. It's so much less bulky than the Ergo.
4) Other than a few exceptions, don't let people touch your baby, particularly friends who have toddlers/small children of their own. Be aggressive about the handwashing. I didn't want to be "that parent," but dealing with a sick tiny baby is miserable. A fever becomes a hospital stay very rapidly, with a lots of unpleasant tests.
5) Someone later said that she was told that you wake up with a new baby every day. I wish I'd known that. I think it's good to try things more than once or twice - the baby doesn't like X and then after 10 times, suddenly likes X. Or likes it, then doesn't, then does... Anyway, keep trying stuff. I wish I'd known that it's normal or be inconsistent and I would have tried more different things.
posted by vunder at 9:09 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
Our pediatrician in Chicago who is often thought of as a baby sleep expert gave us the best advice we received. While this is your first time doing it, it is your baby's first time too. They don't know if you are doing it "right" or "wrong" so relax. Do the best you can. Feed them and keep them warm and safe is really your only goal. Everything else is icing on the cake. He said that by the time you get the hang of what you are doing, they have grown out of that stage. On our second one, he amended the advice to don't worry even if you know you made a mistake, they don't. By the third one (in 30 months) he just said, "Good luck and god bless."
There are a lot of operational details and things you can do to make your routine easier. Many/most have been mentioned above. Find the ones that make sense to you. I hate to say this, but most of the ideas that work for you are probably going to be put to their full potential on your next kid should you forget about delivery, recovery and sleep deprivation and decide to do it again.
On preview, one more thing. My wife was so sleep deprived she took to writing notes to herself. When the baby went down after a middle of the night feeding, she would write down the time the baby woke up, how much she drank, the time she went down and even that she was in her crib. One time, before the note leaving, she woke up in a panic because the baby was not on the bed between us. I quickly searched the house and found little Augie in her crib sleeping soundly.
posted by AugustWest at 9:10 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
There are a lot of operational details and things you can do to make your routine easier. Many/most have been mentioned above. Find the ones that make sense to you. I hate to say this, but most of the ideas that work for you are probably going to be put to their full potential on your next kid should you forget about delivery, recovery and sleep deprivation and decide to do it again.
On preview, one more thing. My wife was so sleep deprived she took to writing notes to herself. When the baby went down after a middle of the night feeding, she would write down the time the baby woke up, how much she drank, the time she went down and even that she was in her crib. One time, before the note leaving, she woke up in a panic because the baby was not on the bed between us. I quickly searched the house and found little Augie in her crib sleeping soundly.
posted by AugustWest at 9:10 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
I was shocked at how much I missed the baby being inside me. Both in a practical sense (life is so much easier when they automatically come with you everywhere!) and as a deep, keening loss. Every evening as it got dark, I sobbed as if my baby weren't right there, perfectly healthy, and all anyone could do was hold me and say it would get better. And it did, suddenly and dramatically so. On day twelve I didn't cry so hard, and on day thirteen I was downright functional. I had no clue at all that there was this short-term emotional horror-show option, distinct from PPD, and I think I would have liked to known, so there you go. Other than that though, the first couple weeks were totally fine. I ate tons of good food, friends came over when I told them to, people fetched me random things like Epsom salt (oh the week-after crippling foot/leg swelling!) and salad fixings, and the baby herself was entirely agreeable. I just could not get some deep-seated part of my brain on board with everything being perfectly okay, and giving in to that while acknowledging how irrational it was was the way I found through.
posted by teremala at 10:26 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by teremala at 10:26 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
That 99.999999999% of the nonsense thrown at you does NOT matter.
Feed baby, keep baby clean, dry and appropriately clothed for the temperature... and REST when baby does.
Love baby.
The rest really doesn't matter.
posted by stormyteal at 10:31 PM on January 27, 2016
Feed baby, keep baby clean, dry and appropriately clothed for the temperature... and REST when baby does.
Love baby.
The rest really doesn't matter.
posted by stormyteal at 10:31 PM on January 27, 2016
Oh, and co-sleeping. Regardless of how you feel about it or what you plan to do, look it up and learn what's safest so that if you need to, you know how.
posted by teremala at 10:37 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by teremala at 10:37 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
Another thing:
Do not be surprised if your approach to parenting differs wildly from your pre-baby parenting philosophy. So you might think "well, we won't be doing X, we're just not X kind of people", and then have a baby who is very much an X kind of baby, and end up being one of those lunatics you rolled your eyes at before. This does not mean you are getting anything wrong! You are doing what works, and that's what matters.
Signed, She Whose Baby Got Carried Around All Day Every Day For Most Of The First Six Months.
posted by Catseye at 11:47 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
Do not be surprised if your approach to parenting differs wildly from your pre-baby parenting philosophy. So you might think "well, we won't be doing X, we're just not X kind of people", and then have a baby who is very much an X kind of baby, and end up being one of those lunatics you rolled your eyes at before. This does not mean you are getting anything wrong! You are doing what works, and that's what matters.
Signed, She Whose Baby Got Carried Around All Day Every Day For Most Of The First Six Months.
posted by Catseye at 11:47 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
My first 2 weeks were emotionally huge for me because I turned my back on a lot of the more common choices parents are making today.
I decided I wasn't going to breastfeed.
I chose not to co-sleep after 3 days.
I chose not to wear my baby or carry baby more than necessary.
Even from day 1- from the hours of 11-6am we did as little as possible to resettle baby. After 11pm the lights were off in the house and stayed off, we didn't talk to baby or rock baby. We would feed him and place him back in his cot... babies are super noisy, and I don't mean crying... when they sleep they sound like baby dragons. We didn't try and do anything about those noises. If he woke up and it wasn't hungry time then we would just replace the pacifier and pat him on the head or rub his tummy for a moment. Nothing more.
As he has grown up he hasn't expected us to do anything for him in the middle of the night, he has a little cry every once in a while and we go in and give him the pacifier and make sure he has his cuddle blanket.
I felt really guilty at first and then I realised that in order for me to be a good mother, I needed to prioritise my mental health and that meant being able to share night feedings with dad, having our adult bedroom be OUR room, and lugging him around all day. Its made it easy for us to get on a really smooth family routine (he is 7 months now) and he sleeps through the night and we have been able to get babysitters and go out in the evenings.
I realise this makes me a bad mom, but I am well rested and happy, my baby is well rested and VERY happy, and my husband is happy.
No haters please- society can be quite mean to women and I feel we should have the right to make choices without society saying we won't bond with baby.
posted by catspajammies at 12:24 AM on January 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
I decided I wasn't going to breastfeed.
I chose not to co-sleep after 3 days.
I chose not to wear my baby or carry baby more than necessary.
Even from day 1- from the hours of 11-6am we did as little as possible to resettle baby. After 11pm the lights were off in the house and stayed off, we didn't talk to baby or rock baby. We would feed him and place him back in his cot... babies are super noisy, and I don't mean crying... when they sleep they sound like baby dragons. We didn't try and do anything about those noises. If he woke up and it wasn't hungry time then we would just replace the pacifier and pat him on the head or rub his tummy for a moment. Nothing more.
As he has grown up he hasn't expected us to do anything for him in the middle of the night, he has a little cry every once in a while and we go in and give him the pacifier and make sure he has his cuddle blanket.
I felt really guilty at first and then I realised that in order for me to be a good mother, I needed to prioritise my mental health and that meant being able to share night feedings with dad, having our adult bedroom be OUR room, and lugging him around all day. Its made it easy for us to get on a really smooth family routine (he is 7 months now) and he sleeps through the night and we have been able to get babysitters and go out in the evenings.
I realise this makes me a bad mom, but I am well rested and happy, my baby is well rested and VERY happy, and my husband is happy.
No haters please- society can be quite mean to women and I feel we should have the right to make choices without society saying we won't bond with baby.
posted by catspajammies at 12:24 AM on January 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
I realise this makes me a bad mom,
It does not make you a bad mom.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:52 AM on January 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
It does not make you a bad mom.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:52 AM on January 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
Your AC is not broken; it's just a post-partum hot flash, which I did not know was a thing. Luckily the repair guy didn't charge us.
posted by whitewall at 3:04 AM on January 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by whitewall at 3:04 AM on January 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Another thing I just remembered: if you have parents coming to help, keep in mind that their baby-handling expertise is a generation old and will include some outdated practices. I was put to sleep on my belly as a baby!
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:18 AM on January 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:18 AM on January 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm the male half of the equation, but I was home for the first two weeks as well, and I have heard my wife dispense some of this advice to other first-time-moms. In no particular order:
posted by Mayor West at 5:21 AM on January 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
- You probably have a metric ton of newborn clothes. There's no guarantee your kid will fit into newborn clothes. Our didn't. If you don't have some 0-3 or 3-6 month clothes already, be ready to send someone out after a couple of onesies.
- Kimino-style onesies are a much better option, especially the first few days. It sounds ridiculous, but the first time you pull a shirt over your newborn's head, you will think you are going to break his/her neck. You won't, but it's still anxiety-producing, and kimino-style are much easier to get on/off.
- People telling you to sleep when the baby sleeps mean well, but there's a very good chance it won't be possible. (If baby sleeps for 2 hours at a clip, and it takes you 60 minutes to wind down and go to sleep, you will be a mess) Go somewhere in the house where you physically cannot hear crying newborn, and grab six hours of shuteye while your partner handles baby duty. Given the choice between formula-supplementing for one or two bottles a day, or becoming a sleep-deprived mental wreck, choose the former.
- Many people will offer to help. Friends who have kids will offer to do tangible, discrete tasks, like clean your kitchen or bring you a lasagna. Friends without kids will not know what to offer, and so will offer to "help" abstractly. They mean well. Ask them to clean your kitchen or bring you a lasagna.
- While you're at the hospital, they will dress you in "hospital underwear:" huge baggy elastic underwear with massive cotton pads built in. When you are sent home, your nurses will try to stuff your bag full of it. You will think they are insane. They are not insane. You will live in that stuff for the first week or two. If they don't try to foist a dozen pairs on you, have your partner steal it out of the supply closet. (You can also buy it at the pharmacy)
- If you're in the hospital for more than 24 hours post-birth, you're going to hate the hospital cafeteria food more than you thought humanly possible. Map out a couple of restaurants local to the hospital, and dispatch someone to get you a burrito/burger/(favorite food item) for dinner.
posted by Mayor West at 5:21 AM on January 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best advice I got was that for as long as I'm breastfeeding, my husband's job is to change diapers. Obviously I would change them if he wasn't there, but man did this advice help me so much.
posted by smirkyfodder at 5:24 AM on January 28, 2016
posted by smirkyfodder at 5:24 AM on January 28, 2016
Breast feeding....while I am fully aware how wonderful this experience is (and was for a minute) I simply couldn't produce enough milk for my child...I cried and was frustrated (yes I had a consultant), baby was hungry every half hour, no sleep for both... when finally a trusted family member (who birthed 6 children) told me to buck up and use formula.
I don't know your feeding plans but please don't let society goad you into feeling like a failure if you cannot breast feed or choose not too.
My child is 25 and currently a health food fanatic (lol), beautiful person, and a normal human being...
Get some sleep too.
posted by irish01 at 5:36 AM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I don't know your feeding plans but please don't let society goad you into feeling like a failure if you cannot breast feed or choose not too.
My child is 25 and currently a health food fanatic (lol), beautiful person, and a normal human being...
Get some sleep too.
posted by irish01 at 5:36 AM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'll add a few things you could do now, before baby is born: Practice swaddling until you're really fast at it. The swaddle can and should be tight. Buy Velcro swaddlers if you have trouble with doing a blanket swaddle. Both you and your partner (I think you mentioned a partner, if not I apologize for the assumption) should watch the Happiest Baby on the Block video together. It's on Amazon and YouTube. Practice the soothing techniques together and gather any supplies Dr. Karp mentions including: swaddlers, white noise, pacifiers, room darkening curtains. That last one is crucial!
Finally, if you're looking for another way to prepare, I suggest reading a parenting book along with your partner. Not a baby book, a parenting book. My current favorite is Love and Logic (their website has several free PDFs too). It's more common to read baby books when you're pregnant, but here's the thing: you'll figure out how to take care of baby. Your baby will have unique needs and you'll learn how to respond to it. But you have time now to learn and discuss parenting philosophy with your partner, and you really won't have as much time for that again. Discuss your feelings and goals regarding co-sleeping, discipline, balancing couple's needs vs kids, your sex life, etc. Of course your ideas may change completely once the baby is born, but I think it's important to lay the groundwork for having these discussions before the child is born.
Oh and use the nurses at the hospital! If they offer to take the baby to the nursery for a bit so you can sleep, let them! Watch how they swaddle and soothe baby. Ask them to show you how to bathe baby. Those people are pros and I've learned so much from them, even as a "veteran" mom. All the best to you.
posted by areaperson at 5:49 AM on January 28, 2016
Finally, if you're looking for another way to prepare, I suggest reading a parenting book along with your partner. Not a baby book, a parenting book. My current favorite is Love and Logic (their website has several free PDFs too). It's more common to read baby books when you're pregnant, but here's the thing: you'll figure out how to take care of baby. Your baby will have unique needs and you'll learn how to respond to it. But you have time now to learn and discuss parenting philosophy with your partner, and you really won't have as much time for that again. Discuss your feelings and goals regarding co-sleeping, discipline, balancing couple's needs vs kids, your sex life, etc. Of course your ideas may change completely once the baby is born, but I think it's important to lay the groundwork for having these discussions before the child is born.
Oh and use the nurses at the hospital! If they offer to take the baby to the nursery for a bit so you can sleep, let them! Watch how they swaddle and soothe baby. Ask them to show you how to bathe baby. Those people are pros and I've learned so much from them, even as a "veteran" mom. All the best to you.
posted by areaperson at 5:49 AM on January 28, 2016
It will be a bit rocky, but trust your instincts if you think something is not OK. When we brought Baby Bravo home from the hospital, he gnawed at my breasts for 90 minutes at a time, slept for barely 20 minutes at a stretch, and cried wretchedly for hours. We were exhausted and I was hallucinating from sleep deprivation...but I had read so many "new baby horror stories" and so many people had warned me about how so very HARD this would be, that I assumed all of this was NORMAL and apparently every new parent had this awful, awful experience and I thought "well, this is my life now" and figured everyone else was probably just a lot stronger than I was.
It...actually wasn't normal. I wasn't producing enough milk (the lactation consultants had misdiagnosed my milk coming in, it was actually edema from my C-section), kiddo wasn't getting enough to eat & freaking out, and he got a big ol' case of jaundice by Day 2 at home, and spent a night in the NICU to get it sorted out. They had us start supplementing with formula and got me on a pumping schedule to get things going. Once he had enough to eat, he was a totally different baby and would actually sleep, peacefully, for several hours at a time! And he didn't wail constantly! It became much easier and more in line with what I thought newborn care would be like.
So yeah, it will be kind of rough, but it should be SURVIVABLE rough. Don't buy into the horror stories so much that you assume complete and soul-destroying misery is "normal."
posted by castlebravo at 7:19 AM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
It...actually wasn't normal. I wasn't producing enough milk (the lactation consultants had misdiagnosed my milk coming in, it was actually edema from my C-section), kiddo wasn't getting enough to eat & freaking out, and he got a big ol' case of jaundice by Day 2 at home, and spent a night in the NICU to get it sorted out. They had us start supplementing with formula and got me on a pumping schedule to get things going. Once he had enough to eat, he was a totally different baby and would actually sleep, peacefully, for several hours at a time! And he didn't wail constantly! It became much easier and more in line with what I thought newborn care would be like.
So yeah, it will be kind of rough, but it should be SURVIVABLE rough. Don't buy into the horror stories so much that you assume complete and soul-destroying misery is "normal."
posted by castlebravo at 7:19 AM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I strongly recommend abdominal binding if you have a c-section. I've also heard it can be helpful even if you've had a vaginal birth. If they don't supply you with one at the hospital, you might ask for one. They provide crucial support for your torso which will otherwise feel like a bowl of jelly. I had an excellent c-section recovery using mine for 3 weeks after birth, and I've heard many other women extolling their virtues as well.
posted by aabbbiee at 7:28 AM on January 28, 2016
posted by aabbbiee at 7:28 AM on January 28, 2016
Two pieces of advice. If I'd followed these, I think I'd have been 10000X happier than I was.
First: If you are trying to breastfeed and it's not working, don't do the lactation consultant pumping and supplement schedule. Just don't do it. I am still angry that I spent my daughter's first few weeks attached to a hospital Medela pump, while OTHER people held her and got to know her. I did it because everyone told me that breastmilk would prevent major disease in my baby, such as pertussis (which I was terrified of her catching)... and then it turned out those immune benefits are dramatically overstated. So I tortured myself and missed on on my baby's early weeks for nothing. Do not let yourself end up in that situation. I'm still angry that people pressured me into torturing myself and exacerbating my PPD, in the name of breastfeeding - and that people were willing to lie to me about breastfeeding benefits that are meager or non-existent.
And remember, lactation consultants vary WIDELY in quality. Some are great, but tons of them are chest-deep in agenda. I was seriously ill in childbirth and required a blood transfusion - and five days later a lactation consultant still gave me shit about why I was combo-feeding. LCs like her are not particularly rare, and many of them will nudge you to taking unregulated supplements or dangerous drugs, in the service of getting you to breastfeed. I mean, who cares about your QT interval, right?
Second, stay out of the mommy culture internet. Not going to cite particular places, but you know it when you see it. I have never experienced more toxic intersocial cruelty in my life, than I have while trying to participate in mommy culture internet. Not even in middle school. It's absolute poison, and full of peacocking mean girls. Stay OUT. You'll be happier.
posted by Coatlicue at 7:34 AM on January 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
First: If you are trying to breastfeed and it's not working, don't do the lactation consultant pumping and supplement schedule. Just don't do it. I am still angry that I spent my daughter's first few weeks attached to a hospital Medela pump, while OTHER people held her and got to know her. I did it because everyone told me that breastmilk would prevent major disease in my baby, such as pertussis (which I was terrified of her catching)... and then it turned out those immune benefits are dramatically overstated. So I tortured myself and missed on on my baby's early weeks for nothing. Do not let yourself end up in that situation. I'm still angry that people pressured me into torturing myself and exacerbating my PPD, in the name of breastfeeding - and that people were willing to lie to me about breastfeeding benefits that are meager or non-existent.
And remember, lactation consultants vary WIDELY in quality. Some are great, but tons of them are chest-deep in agenda. I was seriously ill in childbirth and required a blood transfusion - and five days later a lactation consultant still gave me shit about why I was combo-feeding. LCs like her are not particularly rare, and many of them will nudge you to taking unregulated supplements or dangerous drugs, in the service of getting you to breastfeed. I mean, who cares about your QT interval, right?
Second, stay out of the mommy culture internet. Not going to cite particular places, but you know it when you see it. I have never experienced more toxic intersocial cruelty in my life, than I have while trying to participate in mommy culture internet. Not even in middle school. It's absolute poison, and full of peacocking mean girls. Stay OUT. You'll be happier.
posted by Coatlicue at 7:34 AM on January 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Take the comments here about breastfeeding to heart. I am just starting weening and can't tell you how much this thread has helped with the feeling of guilt around this and choice.
Be ready to throw your ideas of what you want to do out the window and be OK with that. The little one will have their own ideas as well. I can't tell you how many times I tried swaddling before changing how I would wrap baby grr. Once we got him home he made it clear his arms would be our and over the head for sleeping and that's that.
Sleep will be an experiment. For the for couple weeks he slept beside me in a bassinet. I woke with every little sound and got little sleep. We moved him to his crib at 3 weeks and once I learned to trust the monitor, we all slept better.
Also, it's OK to take the time to just sit, hold your baby and watch them while they sleep too. With all the hormones and emotional changes, its nice to have those moments of wonderment and thinking "I made this."
Good luck, trust yourself, get rest when you can and enjoy.
posted by MandaSayGrr at 7:49 AM on January 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Be ready to throw your ideas of what you want to do out the window and be OK with that. The little one will have their own ideas as well. I can't tell you how many times I tried swaddling before changing how I would wrap baby grr. Once we got him home he made it clear his arms would be our and over the head for sleeping and that's that.
Sleep will be an experiment. For the for couple weeks he slept beside me in a bassinet. I woke with every little sound and got little sleep. We moved him to his crib at 3 weeks and once I learned to trust the monitor, we all slept better.
Also, it's OK to take the time to just sit, hold your baby and watch them while they sleep too. With all the hormones and emotional changes, its nice to have those moments of wonderment and thinking "I made this."
Good luck, trust yourself, get rest when you can and enjoy.
posted by MandaSayGrr at 7:49 AM on January 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Postpartum refers to a longer time in your life than you might think. I thought most postpartum issues would be resolved by the time I went back to work at the end of maternity leave. I had no idea that I would still be dealing with postpartum issues more than a year later.
For instance, I thought my pregnancy swelling would go away pretty quickly, but it took several weeks to resolve (including swelling-related carpal tunnel syndrome). Several months postpartum, small bumps popped up all over my forearms and they didn't respond to any treatment. It turns out that's not an uncommon postpartum thing, but who's ever heard of it?
Most importantly, I thought postpartum depression came quickly after birth, like in the first few weeks. That is not true. The height of it comes at the 4-month mark. Your hormones start to regulate which can have all kinds of surprising effects, and it comes right about the time when your baby's sleeping schedule changes too, and most women (at least in the U.S.) are back to work. It can be very difficult. Or it might not be a thing for you at all, who knows.
posted by aabbbiee at 7:54 AM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
For instance, I thought my pregnancy swelling would go away pretty quickly, but it took several weeks to resolve (including swelling-related carpal tunnel syndrome). Several months postpartum, small bumps popped up all over my forearms and they didn't respond to any treatment. It turns out that's not an uncommon postpartum thing, but who's ever heard of it?
Most importantly, I thought postpartum depression came quickly after birth, like in the first few weeks. That is not true. The height of it comes at the 4-month mark. Your hormones start to regulate which can have all kinds of surprising effects, and it comes right about the time when your baby's sleeping schedule changes too, and most women (at least in the U.S.) are back to work. It can be very difficult. Or it might not be a thing for you at all, who knows.
posted by aabbbiee at 7:54 AM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
When you first come into the house with the baby, you and the dad will set down the car seat look at each other and say, "Now what?"
Take a minute to ABSORB and FEEL and REMEMBER that moment. It is a moment you can pinpoint where everything changed.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 7:55 AM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Take a minute to ABSORB and FEEL and REMEMBER that moment. It is a moment you can pinpoint where everything changed.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 7:55 AM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Sorry, I keep thinking of things! If you are planning on pumping, don't mess with the milk storage bags. Get milkies freezer trays instead. They freeze the breast milk in 1 oz "sticks" that fit perfectly through the mouth of a bottle. This makes it super easy to only thaw what you need and not waste any liquid gold.
If you are planning on formula feeding, the Formula Pro was a LIFESAVER for us. Yes, it is definitely a luxury, but being able to make a perfectly warmed bottle in less than a minute with one hand? Worth every penny. We kept it in his room with a basket of clean bottles.
posted by nataliecay at 8:04 AM on January 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
If you are planning on formula feeding, the Formula Pro was a LIFESAVER for us. Yes, it is definitely a luxury, but being able to make a perfectly warmed bottle in less than a minute with one hand? Worth every penny. We kept it in his room with a basket of clean bottles.
posted by nataliecay at 8:04 AM on January 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
So much good advice here!
Do not, I repeat DO NOT skip the stool softeners if you are on prescription pain medication. Trust me. They are not optional.
Nthing the learn how to co-sleep safely. I fell asleep holding my newborn in our recliner several times before I gave in and started co-sleeping. That was way more dangerous.
This is for more than two weeks out, but do look for a new mama group in your area. They are so great! I tried a few and one was so-so but one was fantastic.
Read up now on car seat safety, especially with respect to blankets/bundling in the cold, letting your little sleep in the car seat, etc. It's pretty easy to screw up and most of us do before we learn better.
If you have cats - be sure you have the video camera running when you bring the baby home and set that car seat down for the first time. The reaction is pretty fun.
Your pediatrician is a much better resource than the internet. Don't hesitate to call if you have a question. The really good offices will have a nurse line that you can call any time. I called the nurse line at ours because my daughter got a piece of leaf in her eye at a week or so old and I didn't know what to do. And they were happy to help! They are there to answer questions! Don't feel dumb!
I seriously wanted to punch people who said sleep when the baby sleeps, because for some of us that is bullshit advice and we can't. You are normal if you feel that way.
Congratulations! It'll be okay.
posted by john_snow at 9:21 AM on January 28, 2016
Do not, I repeat DO NOT skip the stool softeners if you are on prescription pain medication. Trust me. They are not optional.
Nthing the learn how to co-sleep safely. I fell asleep holding my newborn in our recliner several times before I gave in and started co-sleeping. That was way more dangerous.
This is for more than two weeks out, but do look for a new mama group in your area. They are so great! I tried a few and one was so-so but one was fantastic.
Read up now on car seat safety, especially with respect to blankets/bundling in the cold, letting your little sleep in the car seat, etc. It's pretty easy to screw up and most of us do before we learn better.
If you have cats - be sure you have the video camera running when you bring the baby home and set that car seat down for the first time. The reaction is pretty fun.
Your pediatrician is a much better resource than the internet. Don't hesitate to call if you have a question. The really good offices will have a nurse line that you can call any time. I called the nurse line at ours because my daughter got a piece of leaf in her eye at a week or so old and I didn't know what to do. And they were happy to help! They are there to answer questions! Don't feel dumb!
I seriously wanted to punch people who said sleep when the baby sleeps, because for some of us that is bullshit advice and we can't. You are normal if you feel that way.
Congratulations! It'll be okay.
posted by john_snow at 9:21 AM on January 28, 2016
Lots of great advice here, so I'll just add one thing. If you don't immediately fall head-over-heels in love with your babe, that is OK. For us, our bond was slow and took time to form... I wish someone had told me I was normal and not broken.
posted by Cat Face at 9:34 AM on January 28, 2016
posted by Cat Face at 9:34 AM on January 28, 2016
It gets better. If I can offer a bit of perspective from the male vantage point (to other males, I'm not man'splaining here) it can really feel like your life just got slammed pro wrestling style. I think I wasn't able to check the mail in my mailbox at the top of the driveway for something like 5 days after the baby was born. I felt like a total idiot and seriously wondered if my life would ever feel normal again.
It does. It's just that your definition of normal gets a tad warped and you get a helluva lot stronger through it. There are many practical things we tried to do to be ready for when the eagle landed but looking back I think we were riddled with a lot of sleep deprived worry and self doubt.
To that end, if you are a worrier sort, don't watch too closely the breathing rhythm of a sleeping baby. They sometimes stop breathing for several seconds. It is quite normal but it will freak you out and inevitably you will feel like you are supposed to watch over them in case they stop breathing. The first weeks of parenthood makes smart people stupid, so try not to do things that trigger yourself.
posted by dgran at 1:49 PM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
It does. It's just that your definition of normal gets a tad warped and you get a helluva lot stronger through it. There are many practical things we tried to do to be ready for when the eagle landed but looking back I think we were riddled with a lot of sleep deprived worry and self doubt.
To that end, if you are a worrier sort, don't watch too closely the breathing rhythm of a sleeping baby. They sometimes stop breathing for several seconds. It is quite normal but it will freak you out and inevitably you will feel like you are supposed to watch over them in case they stop breathing. The first weeks of parenthood makes smart people stupid, so try not to do things that trigger yourself.
posted by dgran at 1:49 PM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
In no particular order:
* Don't be afraid to say no to visitors. This goes double for visitors that will either (a) tell you you're doing the baby thing wrong (thanks mother-in-law) or expect to be entertained as if it was a normal visit (thanks mom). You can kick them all out until you've got the hang of things a bit.
* Post-partum depression - it is a thing. The crying a few days out is normal, persistent sadness or other horrible feelings for weeks are not. Tell somebody and get help.
* Your health comes before breastfeeding. If you have conditions that require medications incompatible with breastfeeding, take the meds and skip breastfeeding. Baby will be OK.
* You might want to prepare your pets for the new baby. Now would be a great time to break your dog of the habit of reflexively jumping on your lap. I had to break my dog of the habit after my c-section, that hurt.
posted by crazycanuck at 2:24 PM on January 28, 2016
* Don't be afraid to say no to visitors. This goes double for visitors that will either (a) tell you you're doing the baby thing wrong (thanks mother-in-law) or expect to be entertained as if it was a normal visit (thanks mom). You can kick them all out until you've got the hang of things a bit.
* Post-partum depression - it is a thing. The crying a few days out is normal, persistent sadness or other horrible feelings for weeks are not. Tell somebody and get help.
* Your health comes before breastfeeding. If you have conditions that require medications incompatible with breastfeeding, take the meds and skip breastfeeding. Baby will be OK.
* You might want to prepare your pets for the new baby. Now would be a great time to break your dog of the habit of reflexively jumping on your lap. I had to break my dog of the habit after my c-section, that hurt.
posted by crazycanuck at 2:24 PM on January 28, 2016
The book "The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems" looks gimmicky but has the best, most practical advice of any book I read about how to schedule your day with a newborn- how long to expect them to sleep and stay awake, how much to feed them, how many times a day, etc. I had no idea and found the book extremely useful.
The Velcro sleep swaddlers are a godsend; they're stronger and faster than the swaddles we made ourselves. Three were enough for us, four would have been even better.
We found our sling much more practical than the stroller. It's much easier to get around, and the baby loved it.
posted by Clambone at 2:27 PM on January 28, 2016
The Velcro sleep swaddlers are a godsend; they're stronger and faster than the swaddles we made ourselves. Three were enough for us, four would have been even better.
We found our sling much more practical than the stroller. It's much easier to get around, and the baby loved it.
posted by Clambone at 2:27 PM on January 28, 2016
Best way to make a peri ice pack like they make in labor and delivery. Watch "Diaper ice pack" on YouTube
https://youtu.be/nnX_4OBZBsg
posted by irish01 at 4:01 PM on January 28, 2016
https://youtu.be/nnX_4OBZBsg
posted by irish01 at 4:01 PM on January 28, 2016
Oh man! I have a 7 month old now too, and I too can barely remember that first month or so. I'm sure this is a lot of information to process, but….most of all, just remember it will pass and/or change so rapidly, so just hang in there, get help, and drink lots and lots of water. Eat anything you want!!
Some things I didn't know
-newborns sleep a lot during the day, like long stretches of 3-5 hours sometimes. So yes, if you can sleep then too, great-- if not, at least just rest, watch TV, eat, bathe, whatever… I did find there was time to shower or take a bath each day during those times. (When I couldn't sleep I would often just listen to meditation/white noise type music on my phone and it at least helped me rest.)
-I did not realize how much my by body and perineum would hurt!! No one told me about the recovery process- my muscles, all of them, hurt so much from being in labor. I bled for a few weeks. I was horribly constipated, and everything burned/itched/was super sensitive 'down there'… So yes, take the meds, and use those ice packs people have mentioned. You can pre-make them or have someone else make them- they were so helpful. That and witch hazel, and hemroid cream. And daily epsom salt baths, even for 5 minutes, were so good. The good news? It all went back to normal pretty soon- within 6 weeks, and even sex was fine then too, even enjoyable. So it does heal, it just feels really intense at the time!!
-AHH< SO HUNGRY ALL THE TIME!!!!! And beer was SO GOOD!! Fuel up, eat what you want, stay hydrated.
-Breastfeeding might also be just fine? It was for me (albeit, very exhausting at times). Lots of pillows and comfy places to sit helped a lot. I started pumping around 3 weeks so my husband could share with feedings at night, and that was also AWESOME because she has always taken a bottle, and daddy has done a ton of bonding with her around that. Added formula in about a month ago, but still going strong with BFing. You'll figure it out, but yes, do what works for you and your family.
-Swaddles
-Keep a few changes of clothes in your car, with some diapers and wipes, in case she has a blow out while out and about.
-Napping with my newborn, and now 7 month old, are the most precious times of my day/life right now. I love it/treasure it/ do it as much as I can. You get so much gooey sweet love bonding times out of it. I have had a harder times with night sleeping since I had her, but napping?? YUMS. I crave it, and miss the days it doesn't happen.
-Yes, they become SO MUCH MORE FUN around 4-5 months. It's crazy. The first chunk is sweet and crazy hard, but the adventure really got going when she could interact with us more. It's still super hard, but super fun and silly and still really sweet-- and gives me so much to look forward to.
-Rock n Plays like someone else mentioned. She slept in it day and night till 4.5 months.
- We got out and about pretty early- I think within a week- and even though it was tiring, it was great to be out. So again, you might want to stay in for a month straight, or you might want to take some drives, see some friends, go to a movie even…
Congratulations!! It's a big rites of passage, and I am still trying to figure out what hit me. Roll with it as much as possible and you'll do wonderful.
posted by Rocket26 at 5:28 PM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Some things I didn't know
-newborns sleep a lot during the day, like long stretches of 3-5 hours sometimes. So yes, if you can sleep then too, great-- if not, at least just rest, watch TV, eat, bathe, whatever… I did find there was time to shower or take a bath each day during those times. (When I couldn't sleep I would often just listen to meditation/white noise type music on my phone and it at least helped me rest.)
-I did not realize how much my by body and perineum would hurt!! No one told me about the recovery process- my muscles, all of them, hurt so much from being in labor. I bled for a few weeks. I was horribly constipated, and everything burned/itched/was super sensitive 'down there'… So yes, take the meds, and use those ice packs people have mentioned. You can pre-make them or have someone else make them- they were so helpful. That and witch hazel, and hemroid cream. And daily epsom salt baths, even for 5 minutes, were so good. The good news? It all went back to normal pretty soon- within 6 weeks, and even sex was fine then too, even enjoyable. So it does heal, it just feels really intense at the time!!
-AHH< SO HUNGRY ALL THE TIME!!!!! And beer was SO GOOD!! Fuel up, eat what you want, stay hydrated.
-Breastfeeding might also be just fine? It was for me (albeit, very exhausting at times). Lots of pillows and comfy places to sit helped a lot. I started pumping around 3 weeks so my husband could share with feedings at night, and that was also AWESOME because she has always taken a bottle, and daddy has done a ton of bonding with her around that. Added formula in about a month ago, but still going strong with BFing. You'll figure it out, but yes, do what works for you and your family.
-Swaddles
-Keep a few changes of clothes in your car, with some diapers and wipes, in case she has a blow out while out and about.
-Napping with my newborn, and now 7 month old, are the most precious times of my day/life right now. I love it/treasure it/ do it as much as I can. You get so much gooey sweet love bonding times out of it. I have had a harder times with night sleeping since I had her, but napping?? YUMS. I crave it, and miss the days it doesn't happen.
-Yes, they become SO MUCH MORE FUN around 4-5 months. It's crazy. The first chunk is sweet and crazy hard, but the adventure really got going when she could interact with us more. It's still super hard, but super fun and silly and still really sweet-- and gives me so much to look forward to.
-Rock n Plays like someone else mentioned. She slept in it day and night till 4.5 months.
- We got out and about pretty early- I think within a week- and even though it was tiring, it was great to be out. So again, you might want to stay in for a month straight, or you might want to take some drives, see some friends, go to a movie even…
Congratulations!! It's a big rites of passage, and I am still trying to figure out what hit me. Roll with it as much as possible and you'll do wonderful.
posted by Rocket26 at 5:28 PM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Oh also, skin-to-skin contact is also so good to get those bonding/love hormones going! I know it's the winter, but hanging out mostly naked at least from the chest up, is really good for both mama and baby (and daddy). They actually taught us/talked to us about this in the hospital- its a key principal in the hospital I birthed at- and I definitely experienced the good flow of hormones because of it.
posted by Rocket26 at 5:40 PM on January 28, 2016
posted by Rocket26 at 5:40 PM on January 28, 2016
For the first few weeks, it's totally normal to look at the baby and wonder, "What am I supposed to do with it?" Do you put it in the bassinet? Let it sleep on top of you? Car seat? Carry it around all day? Give it a pacifier? Can I put it on the floor on a blankie?
The massive totality of questioning, "Should I be doing something other than what I'm doing?" is all-pervasive and only really goes away when you have your second kid.
Added to that is:
*you will NOT break the baby
* you won't scar the kid for life by giving it a pacifier or bottle feed
* the baby doesn't need a fancy outfit every time you go out
* the baby does not care how clean the house is
* the pediatrician has heard every question before and would MUCH PREFER you call them than search it online and scare yourself
* keep music on in the background because it's uncanny what kids pick up
* even if you feel stupid, READ TO THEM
I the baby starts getting colicky or is reacting differently, yes call the doctor but also, think about your diet if you're nursing. You may have eaten a lot of cabbage or tomatoes or something that got passed along. One of my kids cried a lot after I drank huge amounts of herbal teas.
* you will meet competitive mommies; do not engage with them and get away as quickly as possible. Babies are unique lovely creatures, they're not a competition.
Things I did with my kids that were good ideas:
* when each was born I got a new cast iron skillet and used it throughout their childhoods. When they turned 21 (which happens a lot faster than you think), they got the pan that's been preseasoned with their childhoods
* I never used those cute baby's first year journals. Instead, I kept calendars where I had written all the data of our lives
* The kids and I recently found a bunch of baby stuff and they all shrieked when they saw hair from their first haircut. Turned out not to be as interesting as I'd hoped.
* Keep newspapers from their birthdays. When they're older, they get a huge kick out of reading them.
*Most importantly, if you can get involved in a New Mom Group, DO IT. Over 23 years ago, I didn't want to leave the house because baby and I reluctantly joined some new mommies for tea and chat.
One of the mommies was talking about saving her money to take the new family to Disneyworld as it was a lifelong dream. I said, "I'd rather poke my eyes out with a stick than go to Disneyworld."
Another mom looked up at me, smiled, and has been my best friend for 23 years now. Our kids grew up together and we're all like family. Neither one of us has family nearby, but we have created a unit of cousins and Aunties and Uncles. It's wonderful when you have someone who has known your kids since Day 1.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:54 AM on January 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
The massive totality of questioning, "Should I be doing something other than what I'm doing?" is all-pervasive and only really goes away when you have your second kid.
Added to that is:
*you will NOT break the baby
* you won't scar the kid for life by giving it a pacifier or bottle feed
* the baby doesn't need a fancy outfit every time you go out
* the baby does not care how clean the house is
* the pediatrician has heard every question before and would MUCH PREFER you call them than search it online and scare yourself
* keep music on in the background because it's uncanny what kids pick up
* even if you feel stupid, READ TO THEM
I the baby starts getting colicky or is reacting differently, yes call the doctor but also, think about your diet if you're nursing. You may have eaten a lot of cabbage or tomatoes or something that got passed along. One of my kids cried a lot after I drank huge amounts of herbal teas.
* you will meet competitive mommies; do not engage with them and get away as quickly as possible. Babies are unique lovely creatures, they're not a competition.
Things I did with my kids that were good ideas:
* when each was born I got a new cast iron skillet and used it throughout their childhoods. When they turned 21 (which happens a lot faster than you think), they got the pan that's been preseasoned with their childhoods
* I never used those cute baby's first year journals. Instead, I kept calendars where I had written all the data of our lives
* The kids and I recently found a bunch of baby stuff and they all shrieked when they saw hair from their first haircut. Turned out not to be as interesting as I'd hoped.
* Keep newspapers from their birthdays. When they're older, they get a huge kick out of reading them.
*Most importantly, if you can get involved in a New Mom Group, DO IT. Over 23 years ago, I didn't want to leave the house because baby and I reluctantly joined some new mommies for tea and chat.
One of the mommies was talking about saving her money to take the new family to Disneyworld as it was a lifelong dream. I said, "I'd rather poke my eyes out with a stick than go to Disneyworld."
Another mom looked up at me, smiled, and has been my best friend for 23 years now. Our kids grew up together and we're all like family. Neither one of us has family nearby, but we have created a unit of cousins and Aunties and Uncles. It's wonderful when you have someone who has known your kids since Day 1.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:54 AM on January 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Figure out whose policy will be covering your baby's health insurance and have that paperwork ready. Making sure this gets done is a good favor to assign to the next person who says 'if you need any help let me know!", particularly if it is your policy.
posted by txtwinkletoes at 6:08 AM on January 29, 2016
posted by txtwinkletoes at 6:08 AM on January 29, 2016
1. Your postpartum experience can be radically different depending on how hard the birth was. I had a very hard birth and physically, I was pretty destroyed. I had planned for exhaustion and hormones but I had not planned for the extraordinary level of weakness and physical brokenness I was faced with, and because of that it terrified me. I had had a very healthy and active pregnancy and I had never been seriously ill before, so I had no experience to compare it to. I spent a lot of time thinking that I was a weak-willed person who was not cut out for motherhood and it sucked. If you have a rough birth - I hope you don't - give yourself TIME to heal. LOTS OF TIME. WAY MORE TIME THAN YOU'RE IMAGINING. I wanted to go for meandering walks with my newborn, like I had imagined, but the truth was that I couldn't really walk much for more than a month. If I hadn't added a layer of mental confusion and misery to the physical reality, it would have been so much less difficult.
2. Even within the first few weeks, you may feel some degree of pressure to "go out to dinner" or "take some time for yourself" or otherwise demonstrate that you're an independent woman who has a life outside her baby. You may also feel internal pressure to prove that you're still you, by doing stuff you used to do. Play this by ear, ok? You might find that you're like me: I was anxious and unhappy when I was away from my son for quite a few months. I was physically uncomfortable and sitting in a restaurant was stressful. As the nursing parent it was a logistical nightmare to be away from my son for even an hour. Basically, IT WAS NOT FUN OR RELAXING to "go out to dinner". But you know what DID help? Somebody else hanging out with me and the baby, helping me cook or clean, letting me take a shower, etc. That was more fun, less stressful, and more useful in terms of reducing my workload, than going out. Don't be afraid that you can't find yourself again. My son is 2 now and I feel like I'm doing more of my favorite hobbies than I was before he was born. It takes time, but in the grand scheme a year or two isn't long.
3. In the first 2 weeks postpartum, I was BLINDSIDED by attacks of sobbing and freaky sadness as soon as the sun went down around 4:15 (it was mid-winter). I also could not be away from my son - not even in the shower - without hearing him "crying" all the time (even when he was silent). I had insane dreams every single night that I had suffocated him in my sleep by rolling over on him - he was, of course, perfectly fine (and he happened to be in a sidecar cosleeper). These are biological postpartum responses and in talking to my friends I think they are quite universal and normal. I find them fascinating, especially as a neuroscientist. They are also very... deep. VERY deep. The feelings are deeper than anything I felt before, and less subject to my intellectual manipulation than I wanted. It's OK. It will pass.
posted by Cygnet at 10:34 AM on January 29, 2016 [8 favorites]
2. Even within the first few weeks, you may feel some degree of pressure to "go out to dinner" or "take some time for yourself" or otherwise demonstrate that you're an independent woman who has a life outside her baby. You may also feel internal pressure to prove that you're still you, by doing stuff you used to do. Play this by ear, ok? You might find that you're like me: I was anxious and unhappy when I was away from my son for quite a few months. I was physically uncomfortable and sitting in a restaurant was stressful. As the nursing parent it was a logistical nightmare to be away from my son for even an hour. Basically, IT WAS NOT FUN OR RELAXING to "go out to dinner". But you know what DID help? Somebody else hanging out with me and the baby, helping me cook or clean, letting me take a shower, etc. That was more fun, less stressful, and more useful in terms of reducing my workload, than going out. Don't be afraid that you can't find yourself again. My son is 2 now and I feel like I'm doing more of my favorite hobbies than I was before he was born. It takes time, but in the grand scheme a year or two isn't long.
3. In the first 2 weeks postpartum, I was BLINDSIDED by attacks of sobbing and freaky sadness as soon as the sun went down around 4:15 (it was mid-winter). I also could not be away from my son - not even in the shower - without hearing him "crying" all the time (even when he was silent). I had insane dreams every single night that I had suffocated him in my sleep by rolling over on him - he was, of course, perfectly fine (and he happened to be in a sidecar cosleeper). These are biological postpartum responses and in talking to my friends I think they are quite universal and normal. I find them fascinating, especially as a neuroscientist. They are also very... deep. VERY deep. The feelings are deeper than anything I felt before, and less subject to my intellectual manipulation than I wanted. It's OK. It will pass.
posted by Cygnet at 10:34 AM on January 29, 2016 [8 favorites]
Oh, and my best tip: buy paper plates, plastic forks and spoons, and paper cups. Buy a crate of Luna bars or Bumble Bars or whatever you like best, a box of hot chocolate packets, a box of oatmeal packets, some frozen Trader Joe's entrees or whatever you like best, and some toaster waffles or similar. You're healing, so don't buy super junky stuff because it'll probably make you feel worse, but you want as much convenience as you can possibly afford in the first few weeks.
posted by Cygnet at 10:44 AM on January 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Cygnet at 10:44 AM on January 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I must have done something right in a previous life because I now have MetaFilter!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of this wonderful advice, thoughts and personal experiences. Many of you faced the same fears I have now and have gotten yourselves and your babies through it just fine - as it turns out, more than the actual advice, it looks like the reassurance I've gotten out of reading all of this is completely invaluable. Now I have more confidence that no matter how difficult and exhausting things get, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
It looks like many of you have common advice (SLEEEEEP!!! FOOOOOOD!!!! FROZEN MAXIPADS!!!) and I am taking that very seriously. I just cannot thank all of you enough for all the insight, which is why I am unable to mark a best answer.
Thank you for helping save my sanity in these last few weeks prior to mommyhood. xoxox
posted by Everydayville at 10:49 PM on January 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of this wonderful advice, thoughts and personal experiences. Many of you faced the same fears I have now and have gotten yourselves and your babies through it just fine - as it turns out, more than the actual advice, it looks like the reassurance I've gotten out of reading all of this is completely invaluable. Now I have more confidence that no matter how difficult and exhausting things get, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
It looks like many of you have common advice (SLEEEEEP!!! FOOOOOOD!!!! FROZEN MAXIPADS!!!) and I am taking that very seriously. I just cannot thank all of you enough for all the insight, which is why I am unable to mark a best answer.
Thank you for helping save my sanity in these last few weeks prior to mommyhood. xoxox
posted by Everydayville at 10:49 PM on January 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Even within the first few weeks, you may feel some degree of pressure to "go out to dinner" or "take some time for yourself" or otherwise demonstrate that you're an independent woman who has a life outside her baby.
Seconding this. This is one of the stupidest things people will tell you. Bear in mind that new baby is mentally exhausting because your brain is learning a LOT of new things at once and is trying to file things appropriately with this overload of new information and new schedule and new routine.
You will be exhausted just from your brain working overtime.
I had a stack of trash magazines to read and no lie, I must have read the same Channing Tatum profile 154 times and I could not tell you what I had read.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:57 AM on January 30, 2016
Seconding this. This is one of the stupidest things people will tell you. Bear in mind that new baby is mentally exhausting because your brain is learning a LOT of new things at once and is trying to file things appropriately with this overload of new information and new schedule and new routine.
You will be exhausted just from your brain working overtime.
I had a stack of trash magazines to read and no lie, I must have read the same Channing Tatum profile 154 times and I could not tell you what I had read.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:57 AM on January 30, 2016
Oh! One more thing. You know how onesies have that weird seam at the shoulders? That's so when the baby has a blow-out poop or pukes all over it, you don't have to pull it over the baby's head. You can pull it DOWN over his or her body. A friend told me this recently and it rocked. My. World. And my son conveniently had a nasty poop and I pulled the onesie down and it totally works. (Also, it's totally okay to just throw an item of clothing away if it gets too disgusting. Life is too short and you're too tired to try to un-poop every outfit.)
posted by Aquifer at 8:27 PM on January 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Aquifer at 8:27 PM on January 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
Rest as much as possible so that you can heal preferably with your husbands help. 2-4 weeks especially.
Sleep when baby sleeps. The first two weeks can be exhausting for both parents, especially the mother who will be recovering. I wasnt prepared how exhausting it would be, physically for recovery and for having to take care of the baby 24/7. Have your partner help with diapers/feeding can bottle feed later if nursing. You will need help with chores and meals etc. the first couple weeks to month. Freeze meals or buy ready made meals. Buy a shower wand for recovery.
Have water and snacks for both of you, you may only have time for small snacks between meals!!
Healthy and you must have water when nursing. Also if you or your partner feel sick drink some emergen c drink.
Maybe buy a small fridge or water dispenser you can use
If you have visitors make sure to have Purell on table
Try to make sure your cars are in good order so that you don't have to worry later on
The days at the hospital you will have many hospital employees -nurses, doctors, etc talking to you the entire time but try to rest as much as possible
Don't have visitors if not up to it so schedule around your needs not others at home.
Ask visitors if you know them well to pick up a meal etc.
You may not have time to clean in long durations like you used to so try to do one task each day.
Have some movies and tv shows that you can watch.
Velcro swaddles brand swaddleme not blankets are awesome.
Sleepers with zipper are easy! For newborns and parents
posted by Lillian7 at 3:04 AM on December 26, 2016
Sleep when baby sleeps. The first two weeks can be exhausting for both parents, especially the mother who will be recovering. I wasnt prepared how exhausting it would be, physically for recovery and for having to take care of the baby 24/7. Have your partner help with diapers/feeding can bottle feed later if nursing. You will need help with chores and meals etc. the first couple weeks to month. Freeze meals or buy ready made meals. Buy a shower wand for recovery.
Have water and snacks for both of you, you may only have time for small snacks between meals!!
Healthy and you must have water when nursing. Also if you or your partner feel sick drink some emergen c drink.
Maybe buy a small fridge or water dispenser you can use
If you have visitors make sure to have Purell on table
Try to make sure your cars are in good order so that you don't have to worry later on
The days at the hospital you will have many hospital employees -nurses, doctors, etc talking to you the entire time but try to rest as much as possible
Don't have visitors if not up to it so schedule around your needs not others at home.
Ask visitors if you know them well to pick up a meal etc.
You may not have time to clean in long durations like you used to so try to do one task each day.
Have some movies and tv shows that you can watch.
Velcro swaddles brand swaddleme not blankets are awesome.
Sleepers with zipper are easy! For newborns and parents
posted by Lillian7 at 3:04 AM on December 26, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
Clean when the baby cleans.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:55 PM on January 27, 2016 [68 favorites]