Getting over regret about not studying overseas
November 6, 2022 8:13 PM Subscribe
After I turned 30, I feel increasingly unhappy and obsessed with this notion that if only I had gone abroad to study, I would have absorbed the beauty and the other qualities of the place, become happy, and not be living at home now, and developed more as a person. I think obsessively about this morning, afternoon, and night. I feel like I have not moved past being the teenager I was, fifteen years ago, and may never become more than that unless I get rid of this thing.
Right now I really want to do it again. But I know it won't be like what I think it should be. I won't make any friends, everyone will hate me, I'll be last in class, struggle a lot, the teachers will hate me, I'm middle aged, and I won't be able to get a job. When I wash out or graduate, I'll be sent packing back to Singapore.
I am 32, F, live at home, and 5 months ago I got a job as a call centre worker. It has the highest salary out of all of my jobs but it is still way below what my peers must be earning. I graduated from a local uni with a degree in English literature in 2014 although I hated it and have hated my options ever since.
When I 17 to 18, I attended a high school where I was constantly not understanding work and failing, and it has left chaos and emptiness in my life, although I graduated on time. When I was about 21 years old, I remember lying in bed every night, feeling rage that I did not have the ability to study in a better high school, in a place I would like. I entertained ideas about getting away from here but I think I might have been afraid of the cost and of the choice I'd be making. So I graduated.
I think I may just be having difficulty accepting that this is my life. Or else, maybe its a sign that I should go.
However, this is not the full truth of the story. I actually did go abroad, twice, in 2017 all the way to 2019 with my parents' money and when I went, I found that I was unequal to the task of studying what I was supposed to study, and fled back home twice. I also made a lot of teary and hysterical phone calls home, without regard to timezones. Which is actually one my biggest regrets in life.
As such, what is going on with me? Do I just want to be young again?
I am 32, F, live at home, and 5 months ago I got a job as a call centre worker. It has the highest salary out of all of my jobs but it is still way below what my peers must be earning. I graduated from a local uni with a degree in English literature in 2014 although I hated it and have hated my options ever since.
When I 17 to 18, I attended a high school where I was constantly not understanding work and failing, and it has left chaos and emptiness in my life, although I graduated on time. When I was about 21 years old, I remember lying in bed every night, feeling rage that I did not have the ability to study in a better high school, in a place I would like. I entertained ideas about getting away from here but I think I might have been afraid of the cost and of the choice I'd be making. So I graduated.
I think I may just be having difficulty accepting that this is my life. Or else, maybe its a sign that I should go.
However, this is not the full truth of the story. I actually did go abroad, twice, in 2017 all the way to 2019 with my parents' money and when I went, I found that I was unequal to the task of studying what I was supposed to study, and fled back home twice. I also made a lot of teary and hysterical phone calls home, without regard to timezones. Which is actually one my biggest regrets in life.
As such, what is going on with me? Do I just want to be young again?
It sounds like you have a lot of sadness in your life, and I'm sorry it's been so hard! You've accomplished cool things but it's still rough. I think it's actually quite common to have regrets as we get older but the cool thing is that we still have many options. And 32 is young in that you have so many great things waiting for you! I moved around both at age 19 and age 34 so it's never too late for that. There are many places you could go and jobs you could do. For now I'd work on your mental health because that's important to do before going away. You deserve to be happier, wherever you are, and it may take a few tries but it can and will happen for you!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:39 PM on November 6, 2022
posted by smorgasbord at 8:39 PM on November 6, 2022
Also, living at home as an adult is common pretty much everywhere in the world now. And so many people are underpaid. It's been a really hard adulthood for us Millennials, unfortunately. Congratulations on your new job! It sounds like you are satisfied with it overall, which is a great thing. Change is rarely immediate; slow and steady is ideal or at least realistic and usually more sustainable. Once you work on feeling better in the here and now, you can work on a plan to work on over the next few years. When I decided I wanted a big change in my early 30s, it took me a few years to make it come true. I started with therapy, and it took about three years of weekly sessions but now I'm good to go save for the occasional check in! Just for some perspective from someone who's a bit older.
posted by smorgasbord at 8:45 PM on November 6, 2022
posted by smorgasbord at 8:45 PM on November 6, 2022
I really think you should go to a foreign country. Life is short. You can absolutely get a job speaking English in many countries that need proficient speakers. I have a feeling it’s going to change your life….
posted by pando11 at 8:47 PM on November 6, 2022
posted by pando11 at 8:47 PM on November 6, 2022
In a previous career I was a tutor and casual lecturer at Australian universities. I studied with, and taught, a lot of international students, so I can tell you that the one thing they all described was that it was incredibly hard. Every one.
Every one described the experience as socially isolating, because between study and work, they had so little time to build relationships. Only the extremely rich students were able to escape working long hours while studying, because generally, international students pay full fees and can't access domestic subsidies. They all described it as hard to make friends with so little time, and with Australian society as parochial (which it is, notoriously); there are very strong networks within language groups, but it can be very hard for hard-working students to break out of those cultural groups. Even fluent English speaking students (from the US, UK, SG, India, etc.) found culture shock was far harder than they expected, and some found it unpleasant when existing diaspora migrant groups weren't as welcoming as they might have been. The Americans, for whom 'college' is a cultural experience of leaving home and e.g. living on campuses and in dorms, even described a sense of betrayal that the Australian system treated them just like fee-paying consumers (which it does), without any of the communal life and 'spirit' they associate with universities.
I've never met a former international student who wasn't in some way bitter about their treatment by the Australian university system. You may have dodged a bullet.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 9:11 PM on November 6, 2022 [8 favorites]
Every one described the experience as socially isolating, because between study and work, they had so little time to build relationships. Only the extremely rich students were able to escape working long hours while studying, because generally, international students pay full fees and can't access domestic subsidies. They all described it as hard to make friends with so little time, and with Australian society as parochial (which it is, notoriously); there are very strong networks within language groups, but it can be very hard for hard-working students to break out of those cultural groups. Even fluent English speaking students (from the US, UK, SG, India, etc.) found culture shock was far harder than they expected, and some found it unpleasant when existing diaspora migrant groups weren't as welcoming as they might have been. The Americans, for whom 'college' is a cultural experience of leaving home and e.g. living on campuses and in dorms, even described a sense of betrayal that the Australian system treated them just like fee-paying consumers (which it does), without any of the communal life and 'spirit' they associate with universities.
I've never met a former international student who wasn't in some way bitter about their treatment by the Australian university system. You may have dodged a bullet.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 9:11 PM on November 6, 2022 [8 favorites]
Your post brought to mind a comment by MiraK, in a thread on a facially unrelated topic – anxiety over the state of the world – but which shares the feature of obsessive thinking.
That comment concluded as follows:
"Illness makes your body lie to you. Mental illness makes your brain lie to you. Do not get sucked into the lies your illness is telling you. Remind yourself that these are symptoms, and then focus on treatments, on becoming healthy, so that these symptoms stop plaguing you. Someday you will be able to think about these same questions without experiencing this much paralyzing distress. THEN you will know it's safe to grapple with the question on its own terms."
The solution to your distress here will not be found solely in going abroad. The problem is the pattern of thinking itself. If you do nothing other than move, I think the target of the obsessive thinking will just be replaced with something else – e.g. I have gone abroad, and things are not better, therefore I am insufficient (that's what my fun brain would do anyway!)
I think you should seek out help with the extent to which this is consuming your thinking, in addition to any changes you make in your life.
posted by lookoutbelow at 9:16 PM on November 6, 2022 [14 favorites]
That comment concluded as follows:
"Illness makes your body lie to you. Mental illness makes your brain lie to you. Do not get sucked into the lies your illness is telling you. Remind yourself that these are symptoms, and then focus on treatments, on becoming healthy, so that these symptoms stop plaguing you. Someday you will be able to think about these same questions without experiencing this much paralyzing distress. THEN you will know it's safe to grapple with the question on its own terms."
The solution to your distress here will not be found solely in going abroad. The problem is the pattern of thinking itself. If you do nothing other than move, I think the target of the obsessive thinking will just be replaced with something else – e.g. I have gone abroad, and things are not better, therefore I am insufficient (that's what my fun brain would do anyway!)
I think you should seek out help with the extent to which this is consuming your thinking, in addition to any changes you make in your life.
posted by lookoutbelow at 9:16 PM on November 6, 2022 [14 favorites]
I know that feeling of regret. If it helps, here's how to short-circuit that logically.
Consider that any one, at any time, can be doing only one thing. But, they can be *not* doing an infinite number of things. Therefore, there's an infinite number of possible regrets. Naturally, it would be exhausting to regret all of them. Therefore, don't regret a thing.
You're doing the best you can with what you have. Be kind to yourself.
posted by dum spiro spero at 9:29 PM on November 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
Consider that any one, at any time, can be doing only one thing. But, they can be *not* doing an infinite number of things. Therefore, there's an infinite number of possible regrets. Naturally, it would be exhausting to regret all of them. Therefore, don't regret a thing.
You're doing the best you can with what you have. Be kind to yourself.
posted by dum spiro spero at 9:29 PM on November 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
Agree first of all that you need to address the anxious/ruminative thoughts clear in your post.
But the other thing I’ll say. One of my best friends did not get to study abroad in college because he couldn’t afford it. He then saved up money, designed a year abroad (in incredible detail), and did it at the age of 40. He stayed in hostels and made great friends along the way. He’s back in the states but his life is filled with people from his travels visiting and vice versa. I did study abroad in college—it was cool, but I think what he did is way cooler and has a much more lasting effect on his adult life today.
posted by namemeansgazelle at 10:49 PM on November 6, 2022 [5 favorites]
But the other thing I’ll say. One of my best friends did not get to study abroad in college because he couldn’t afford it. He then saved up money, designed a year abroad (in incredible detail), and did it at the age of 40. He stayed in hostels and made great friends along the way. He’s back in the states but his life is filled with people from his travels visiting and vice versa. I did study abroad in college—it was cool, but I think what he did is way cooler and has a much more lasting effect on his adult life today.
posted by namemeansgazelle at 10:49 PM on November 6, 2022 [5 favorites]
I strongly advise that you look into the work of the late, great Anthony Bourdain. He didn't achieve his dreams until he was 43-ish. Although his life ended tragically, what a life! He traveled everywhere, saw the world, experienced cultures, tasted cuisines, listened to stories, participated in traditions, and wrote about all of the above. His stories, in turn, enriched the world. It's never too late to discover yourself and to do what you want.
Bourdain, too, suffered from some things that I'm sure you are going through, emotionally and psychologically. Address those things going forward, with a clinical professional if you can.
I'm in my mid 40s, and if I had the chance to do it all again, I'd travel in the way you seem to dream of. Don't get in your own way. I believe in you. You've got this.
posted by chatelaine at 11:52 PM on November 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
Bourdain, too, suffered from some things that I'm sure you are going through, emotionally and psychologically. Address those things going forward, with a clinical professional if you can.
I'm in my mid 40s, and if I had the chance to do it all again, I'd travel in the way you seem to dream of. Don't get in your own way. I believe in you. You've got this.
posted by chatelaine at 11:52 PM on November 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
I want to second a lot of the great advice in this thread.
I think you can and should make more time abroad happen. But! You're right in that it will not solve all of the problems you think it will. It would likely be a really rewarding experience and bring you unexpected joys (as well as unexpected difficulties!), but I think you've convinced yourself that "studying abroad" is the reason/fix for the thing you're actually struggling with, which is this:
but it is still way below what my peers must be earning. I graduated from a local uni with a degree in English literature in 2014 although I hated it and have hated my options ever since.
well, not that that is the only thing, but I think that that is much closer to the core of the issue than not having studied abroad. I am 99% certain that you can make some sort of time abroad happen if you want to...I don't know that I'd choose "studying" in the sort of traditional "college student goes to college in new country," but that's more just personal taste. there are different ways to do it...some people teach english or somesuch, some people save up money and travel, in my case I saved up money and took intensive language classes.
but from experience, both my own and my friends with similar existential anxieties and/or unhappiness about where their lives are...the thing you think is the reason for all your problems generally isn't. the thing you think "if X were just different I wouldn't have all these problems" generally isn't. it sounds like you're suffering from a lot of issues that are worth starting to try to work through. regardless of what you choose, if you are more comfortable with yourself and your life, you will in fact have a better time abroad, if that's what you choose to do
it's definitely not too late, though. I went abroad at 30. I know people who've gone abroad at a much more advanced age. the reason most people don't do it is just because the path most people take has us prioritize other things...but lucky/money/health/etc permitting, we get to choose our priorities
I have friends who, in the time I've been abroad, have bought houses...or second houses...or expensive cars...but I don't care. sometimes it stings a liiitttle bit but I wouldn't give up the experiences I've had for anything
posted by wooh at 12:08 AM on November 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
I think you can and should make more time abroad happen. But! You're right in that it will not solve all of the problems you think it will. It would likely be a really rewarding experience and bring you unexpected joys (as well as unexpected difficulties!), but I think you've convinced yourself that "studying abroad" is the reason/fix for the thing you're actually struggling with, which is this:
but it is still way below what my peers must be earning. I graduated from a local uni with a degree in English literature in 2014 although I hated it and have hated my options ever since.
well, not that that is the only thing, but I think that that is much closer to the core of the issue than not having studied abroad. I am 99% certain that you can make some sort of time abroad happen if you want to...I don't know that I'd choose "studying" in the sort of traditional "college student goes to college in new country," but that's more just personal taste. there are different ways to do it...some people teach english or somesuch, some people save up money and travel, in my case I saved up money and took intensive language classes.
but from experience, both my own and my friends with similar existential anxieties and/or unhappiness about where their lives are...the thing you think is the reason for all your problems generally isn't. the thing you think "if X were just different I wouldn't have all these problems" generally isn't. it sounds like you're suffering from a lot of issues that are worth starting to try to work through. regardless of what you choose, if you are more comfortable with yourself and your life, you will in fact have a better time abroad, if that's what you choose to do
it's definitely not too late, though. I went abroad at 30. I know people who've gone abroad at a much more advanced age. the reason most people don't do it is just because the path most people take has us prioritize other things...but lucky/money/health/etc permitting, we get to choose our priorities
I have friends who, in the time I've been abroad, have bought houses...or second houses...or expensive cars...but I don't care. sometimes it stings a liiitttle bit but I wouldn't give up the experiences I've had for anything
posted by wooh at 12:08 AM on November 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
Like others have said, you can get overseas experiences without committing to study. Or, how about a short course - a commitment of weeks rather than months or more?
There's a phrase "Wherever you go, there you are", which comes to mind when I think about moving away from my current issues. As in, yes, the context will change but I will still be there in my current form unless I work on changing myself too (particularly with regards to mental health). There's another saying too, "Comparison is the theft of joy", which is something you may also pack with you on your travels. What I'm getting at here is, no matter where you end up, it sounds like you need to get some help managing your thought patterns and anxiety. Wishing you all the best.
posted by socky_puppy at 1:01 AM on November 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
There's a phrase "Wherever you go, there you are", which comes to mind when I think about moving away from my current issues. As in, yes, the context will change but I will still be there in my current form unless I work on changing myself too (particularly with regards to mental health). There's another saying too, "Comparison is the theft of joy", which is something you may also pack with you on your travels. What I'm getting at here is, no matter where you end up, it sounds like you need to get some help managing your thought patterns and anxiety. Wishing you all the best.
posted by socky_puppy at 1:01 AM on November 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
Very bluntly, you did go abroad to study. It did not bring you the benefits you describe. You appear to have consistently found studying difficult and make no mention of having identified the underlying reasons for that and addressed them. There is no evidence that studying abroad now would be helpful to you, and some evidence that it would be harmful. On top of which, it will cost money that could be better spent elsewhere.
You are obsessing and ruminating and that can be treated. Getting help for your mental health would add a lot more value to your life than anything else you could do at this stage.
When you are no longer obsessed by the path you didn't take many years ago, then you will be a place to decide whether to build a life in Singapore or move temporarily or permanently to another country. FWIW, I'd recommend working abroad over studying to anyone older than 25.
posted by plonkee at 1:28 AM on November 7, 2022 [26 favorites]
You are obsessing and ruminating and that can be treated. Getting help for your mental health would add a lot more value to your life than anything else you could do at this stage.
When you are no longer obsessed by the path you didn't take many years ago, then you will be a place to decide whether to build a life in Singapore or move temporarily or permanently to another country. FWIW, I'd recommend working abroad over studying to anyone older than 25.
posted by plonkee at 1:28 AM on November 7, 2022 [26 favorites]
I spent a year of uni abroad, and it was great, life-changing, but I also didn't make more than $40K (USD) until I was 40 years old. That's one of the things about this wondering about what life trajectories have been out of reach... we so infrequently consider how, for instance, finding and following a passion doesn't translate into financial success or even financial stability.
I encourage you to consider your options and see if you can make a big leap towards something you value. Known or unknown, you can invite big new things into your life with as much or as little planning as you see fit (more is probably the most advisble but by no means the only way to engage with your desires). A worried call home is no shame. Homesickness is real. All manner of feelings come when we're separated from what's familiar, from what's routine. It's how we're built. It also passes and changes over time. It can be enriching to experience those challenges.
I live abroad now, and it took me 20 years of hoping and dreaming before I seized an opportunity to do it. That opportunity blossomed out of the most challenging, painful time in my life (it's in my Ask history). I'd reached a point of thinking it would never happen, but because of some other extremely difficult life events, I saw this opportunity and pushed for it. It's been difficult but thrilling and I'm glad I'm here.
Broadly speaking, you mght get some value out of looking into Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). It helped me, especially when I was struggling to conenct with choices that felt right. I put time into ACT and did a big of work on connecting with my deeply-held values, which is a good way to feel... less unmoored. There are workbooks (I used/use this one) and loads of material on YouTube.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:34 AM on November 7, 2022 [5 favorites]
I encourage you to consider your options and see if you can make a big leap towards something you value. Known or unknown, you can invite big new things into your life with as much or as little planning as you see fit (more is probably the most advisble but by no means the only way to engage with your desires). A worried call home is no shame. Homesickness is real. All manner of feelings come when we're separated from what's familiar, from what's routine. It's how we're built. It also passes and changes over time. It can be enriching to experience those challenges.
I live abroad now, and it took me 20 years of hoping and dreaming before I seized an opportunity to do it. That opportunity blossomed out of the most challenging, painful time in my life (it's in my Ask history). I'd reached a point of thinking it would never happen, but because of some other extremely difficult life events, I saw this opportunity and pushed for it. It's been difficult but thrilling and I'm glad I'm here.
Broadly speaking, you mght get some value out of looking into Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). It helped me, especially when I was struggling to conenct with choices that felt right. I put time into ACT and did a big of work on connecting with my deeply-held values, which is a good way to feel... less unmoored. There are workbooks (I used/use this one) and loads of material on YouTube.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:34 AM on November 7, 2022 [5 favorites]
Hopefully this will make you smile.
For what it's worth, I live in a place where many of my students dream of studying abroad in Singapore.
posted by athirstforsalt at 3:34 AM on November 7, 2022
For what it's worth, I live in a place where many of my students dream of studying abroad in Singapore.
posted by athirstforsalt at 3:34 AM on November 7, 2022
Gently, this sounds like a serious mental health issue, and fleeing alone to a foreign country will only make it worse. You already tried that! If your mental health is in peril you need to put serious life decisions on pause until you get yourself into a better headspace. You do not want to be alone again in a foreign country without the help and support you need if you go even further into crisis. Therapy and medication can make a world of difference. Get yourself into a better headspace, so much so that this no longer seems like the catastrophic mistake your brain is twisting it into right now. Then and only then will you be ready to try again. Good luck!
posted by Amy93 at 3:42 AM on November 7, 2022 [14 favorites]
posted by Amy93 at 3:42 AM on November 7, 2022 [14 favorites]
There's a fantasy world that your mind is building for you. It's the world where everything is perfect and wonderful and it's because you studied overseas.
Even though this might be a pleasant distraction from your current circumstances, you need to remind yourself that this is ENTIRELY a fantasy. You have no idea what it would have actually been had you chosen that path.
There's lots of good advice here, and I'd only add that you should try to avoid entering that fantasy when you notice it starting to call to you. There's nothing of lasting value for you there. Just more recriminations and self-loathing. Instead try to improve your current situation by therapy, exercise, meditation, whatever.
Best of luck to you!
posted by jasper411 at 7:59 AM on November 7, 2022 [4 favorites]
Even though this might be a pleasant distraction from your current circumstances, you need to remind yourself that this is ENTIRELY a fantasy. You have no idea what it would have actually been had you chosen that path.
There's lots of good advice here, and I'd only add that you should try to avoid entering that fantasy when you notice it starting to call to you. There's nothing of lasting value for you there. Just more recriminations and self-loathing. Instead try to improve your current situation by therapy, exercise, meditation, whatever.
Best of luck to you!
posted by jasper411 at 7:59 AM on November 7, 2022 [4 favorites]
If it helps at all... I'm 32f and live at home. I also studied at a local university and earned a humanities degree. I studied abroad in college (in 2011-2012). While it was a great experience and helped me mature, it didn't change my life vastly. I still struggle with a lot of the same anxiety/rumination that you experience. Studying abroad is an interesting thing to mention in interviews, etc., but it otherwise didn't improve my job prospects or income measurably.
If you ever want to talk, memail me.
posted by microscopiclifeform at 8:18 AM on November 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
If you ever want to talk, memail me.
posted by microscopiclifeform at 8:18 AM on November 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for your answers. Its been super helpful. :)
posted by Didnt_do_enough at 11:24 PM on November 7, 2022
posted by Didnt_do_enough at 11:24 PM on November 7, 2022
This thread is closed to new comments.
After you deal with the stress and anxiety I can feel pouring from your post, you'll be better equipped to make a decision.
You might just feel better taking a job abroad, like teaching English in Vietnam, or another country that treats Singaporeans as equivalent to other native speakers. Alternatively, you might want to explore retraining in a field that won't require another degree, such as IT.
You have more life options than you think!
posted by StrikeTheViol at 8:35 PM on November 6, 2022 [6 favorites]