How did you handle therapy fallout without getting it on everyone?
October 12, 2022 9:04 AM Subscribe
I'm in therapy, and finding that there's a lot of stuff that we'll talk about in a session which will come up outside that session, and which effects my day-to-day life a great deal.
I'm looking for advice from others who've gone through the same: how did you handle the fallout from therapy sessions outside the therapy room?
My new therapist seems great, a few sessions in; he's certainly asking me questions I hadn't been asked before, and making me think about things in a different light.
The trouble is that I'm prone to overthinking, and so a lot of the things that come up in the session end up getting all over my day-to-day, to the point where I'm sometimes struggling to cope with stuff that, prior to therapy, was simple to deal with (if not necessarily easy).
I'm finding that I'm a lot more prone to tears over the last few weeks (I've taken a lot of showers recently for a silent, private ugly cry), and I find I'm angry about things that hitherto I'd brushed off (some of the stuff over the last year that I've posted about here on the green, for example).
I'm trying my best to do my version of journalling (password-protected files, as my spouse would almost certainly want to read handwritten journals), but sometimes that just stirs up more stuff.
I can't really talk to my spouse about it much, because they're not completely thrilled that I'm in therapy. I've also recently lost my close confidant to whom I would normally talk about this stuff, and I don't really have other friends that I'm that vulnerable with.
I'm going to bring this up at my next therapy session, of course, but I'd like to know: if you had this reaction to therapy in the past, how did you handle it? What were your coping mechanism?
My new therapist seems great, a few sessions in; he's certainly asking me questions I hadn't been asked before, and making me think about things in a different light.
The trouble is that I'm prone to overthinking, and so a lot of the things that come up in the session end up getting all over my day-to-day, to the point where I'm sometimes struggling to cope with stuff that, prior to therapy, was simple to deal with (if not necessarily easy).
I'm finding that I'm a lot more prone to tears over the last few weeks (I've taken a lot of showers recently for a silent, private ugly cry), and I find I'm angry about things that hitherto I'd brushed off (some of the stuff over the last year that I've posted about here on the green, for example).
I'm trying my best to do my version of journalling (password-protected files, as my spouse would almost certainly want to read handwritten journals), but sometimes that just stirs up more stuff.
I can't really talk to my spouse about it much, because they're not completely thrilled that I'm in therapy. I've also recently lost my close confidant to whom I would normally talk about this stuff, and I don't really have other friends that I'm that vulnerable with.
I'm going to bring this up at my next therapy session, of course, but I'd like to know: if you had this reaction to therapy in the past, how did you handle it? What were your coping mechanism?
I have done both individual and group therapy. Both are useful for different reasons. If you can find a group (ask your therapist for a recommendation) of people struggling with similar issues, it can be helpful to just hear that you are not alone. It also gives you other folks to discuss your feelings with which can help to calm some of the anxiety. Just to be clear, this would be in addition to your individual therapy.
posted by agatha_magatha at 9:33 AM on October 12, 2022
posted by agatha_magatha at 9:33 AM on October 12, 2022
the fallout is the point.
posted by j_curiouser at 9:51 AM on October 12, 2022 [20 favorites]
posted by j_curiouser at 9:51 AM on October 12, 2022 [20 favorites]
Use the fallout as fuel to make the changes in your life that you want to see happen.
posted by bleep at 10:03 AM on October 12, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by bleep at 10:03 AM on October 12, 2022 [9 favorites]
You deserve to be in a place where you feel safe and supported and can feel your feelings without fear. I'd second reaching out to friends, and trying to get space from your spouse if you can.
When I've talked to my therapist about this, she's recommended coming up with a list of a few people who I can talk to about the fact that I'm in therapy. Those conversations range from "hey I'm having a hard time and just need to sit with you/watch something silly together/have a hug" to "hey I'm having a hard time and I'd like to talk about it/cry in front of you."
You may also want to think about the immediate end of the therapy session and how you can transition to the rest of your week. Having some space to process and feel your emotions, doing some grounding exercises, then transitioning back to the rest of your day. Your therapist should be able to give you advice on this as well.
posted by earth by april at 10:03 AM on October 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
When I've talked to my therapist about this, she's recommended coming up with a list of a few people who I can talk to about the fact that I'm in therapy. Those conversations range from "hey I'm having a hard time and just need to sit with you/watch something silly together/have a hug" to "hey I'm having a hard time and I'd like to talk about it/cry in front of you."
You may also want to think about the immediate end of the therapy session and how you can transition to the rest of your week. Having some space to process and feel your emotions, doing some grounding exercises, then transitioning back to the rest of your day. Your therapist should be able to give you advice on this as well.
posted by earth by april at 10:03 AM on October 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
can't really talk to my spouse about it much, because they're not completely thrilled that I'm in therapy.
When i started therapy, three years ago, i was in this situation, in fact Partner was very vocal about it.
Practically i often went during lunch break, and had to function upon returning to work.
Also, therapy brought up painful stuff i initially prefered to process on my own between sessions, so i did not share with close friend either until i felt safer to share things i (wrongly) thought i needed to be ashamed of.
What was very helpful was a ritual i came up with (and told my therapist about) of at the end of the session open a (mental, imagined) large wooden chest and visualing placing the stuff inside, lock the trunk and when between sessions thoughts intruded i would remind myself to leave/replace it into the trunk. I did that i guess for at least 6 months, maybe a bit longer but eventually i did not need this ritual anymore, as the shame receeded (and left my now ex).
posted by 15L06 at 10:16 AM on October 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
When i started therapy, three years ago, i was in this situation, in fact Partner was very vocal about it.
Practically i often went during lunch break, and had to function upon returning to work.
Also, therapy brought up painful stuff i initially prefered to process on my own between sessions, so i did not share with close friend either until i felt safer to share things i (wrongly) thought i needed to be ashamed of.
What was very helpful was a ritual i came up with (and told my therapist about) of at the end of the session open a (mental, imagined) large wooden chest and visualing placing the stuff inside, lock the trunk and when between sessions thoughts intruded i would remind myself to leave/replace it into the trunk. I did that i guess for at least 6 months, maybe a bit longer but eventually i did not need this ritual anymore, as the shame receeded (and left my now ex).
posted by 15L06 at 10:16 AM on October 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
While the mess is definitely part of the process, it shouldn't be debilitating. Please do talk to your therapist about it -- they'll have a much better sense about your individual needs to either be exactly where you are, find ways of being less in the mess, or find ways of getting in deeper in healthy ways. Each client is different and "fallout" can mean so many different things; I'd hate to see you think that the answers here mean that you necessarily have to struggle in unhelpful ways. It's hard for any of us to make a good determination of what's going to be helpful vs harmful for you individually.
posted by lapis at 11:57 AM on October 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by lapis at 11:57 AM on October 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
It may be that your therapist can take more time or care making sure things get "packed back up" before the session ends. I don't know specifically what that looks like, but my own therapist has made reference to doing it when we've worked on something a little more raw. I don't think it means compartmentalizing your feelings and insights to only the therapy environment or anything like that-- my therapist likened it to not letting someone leave with an open wound.
posted by dusty potato at 2:57 PM on October 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by dusty potato at 2:57 PM on October 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
I would like to gently and respectfully challenge the premise of this question. Having emotions in front of your spouse (or even getting angry with your spouse) is not you doing anything wrong. It's a normal, healthy, self-respecting reaction that has been quashed by your spouse's controlling behavior.
Yes.
OP, I've been in your position. The reality is that not everyone can have a therapy session and then go right back to a work setting, or join people for an activity, no matter how much you try to put things back in a mental box. The solution for me was rescheduling therapy such that I could go straight home afterward and process emotions there. But if you don't have a safe place to experience emotions that's not your therapist's office, that is the real problem here.
And sure, not everyone can have emotions at home at every time. The difficulty for you is that a. home seems to be an unsafe place for emotions all the time, due to your spouse's perpetual mental health crisis, and b. you can't really access other spaces due to your spouse's behavior. Looking back through previous questions, it seems you've lost at least one essential friend recently, who stopped being a confidant because of how your spouse treats you. You've been rather isolated in general because your spouse doesn't approve of you discussing relationship issues with other people. You were exercising to manage your emotions, but seemingly had to stop because your spouse worried that you were "addicted" to it, and you didn't want to add to your relationship's problems. You can't even keep handwritten journals, and must instead type in password-protected files, because you can't trust your spouse not to snoop. You can't share emotions at home because your spouse is in perpetual crisis (over the span of years), and you don't want to burden them, and you're already managing their emotions about things like them being upset that you're doing all the chores due to their ongoing depression. You feel additionally unsafe sharing emotions because your spouse doesn't even approve of you being in therapy, which is just something that's pretty much never a healthy concern/behavior. (Imagine if a spouse was upset that you were getting physical therapy for an injury! Why would someone want to stop you getting better? What does it threaten, if you develop more emotional autonomy?)
With respect, the issue isn't your emotions. The issue is your spouse's perpetual mental health crisis, and controlling behavior, which rob you of emotionally safe space.
You've said yourself that you "don't mind being there for [spouse], holding them together when they break down — that's what I'm for for Christ's sake." Well, if that's what you're there for, as a partner, why don't you merit the same? What is it about feeling desperately needed by someone, at the expense of your own health, that feels rewarding, or at least somehow "right"? ("Right" as in, "this is how it should be, this is what I am for.") This isn't a rhetorical question. I think it's something you need to be discussing with your therapist, if you aren't already doing so. (I would also recommend printing out this question and showing it to them.)
Maybe now would also be a good time to reach out to that confidant you lost. I'm certain he's worried about you, and how you're doing.
Much love. I know how hard it is when therapy seems to be making life more stressful and complicated. But it's a good thing that you're in treatment. A very good thing!
posted by desert outpost at 5:13 PM on October 12, 2022 [19 favorites]
Yes.
OP, I've been in your position. The reality is that not everyone can have a therapy session and then go right back to a work setting, or join people for an activity, no matter how much you try to put things back in a mental box. The solution for me was rescheduling therapy such that I could go straight home afterward and process emotions there. But if you don't have a safe place to experience emotions that's not your therapist's office, that is the real problem here.
And sure, not everyone can have emotions at home at every time. The difficulty for you is that a. home seems to be an unsafe place for emotions all the time, due to your spouse's perpetual mental health crisis, and b. you can't really access other spaces due to your spouse's behavior. Looking back through previous questions, it seems you've lost at least one essential friend recently, who stopped being a confidant because of how your spouse treats you. You've been rather isolated in general because your spouse doesn't approve of you discussing relationship issues with other people. You were exercising to manage your emotions, but seemingly had to stop because your spouse worried that you were "addicted" to it, and you didn't want to add to your relationship's problems. You can't even keep handwritten journals, and must instead type in password-protected files, because you can't trust your spouse not to snoop. You can't share emotions at home because your spouse is in perpetual crisis (over the span of years), and you don't want to burden them, and you're already managing their emotions about things like them being upset that you're doing all the chores due to their ongoing depression. You feel additionally unsafe sharing emotions because your spouse doesn't even approve of you being in therapy, which is just something that's pretty much never a healthy concern/behavior. (Imagine if a spouse was upset that you were getting physical therapy for an injury! Why would someone want to stop you getting better? What does it threaten, if you develop more emotional autonomy?)
With respect, the issue isn't your emotions. The issue is your spouse's perpetual mental health crisis, and controlling behavior, which rob you of emotionally safe space.
You've said yourself that you "don't mind being there for [spouse], holding them together when they break down — that's what I'm for for Christ's sake." Well, if that's what you're there for, as a partner, why don't you merit the same? What is it about feeling desperately needed by someone, at the expense of your own health, that feels rewarding, or at least somehow "right"? ("Right" as in, "this is how it should be, this is what I am for.") This isn't a rhetorical question. I think it's something you need to be discussing with your therapist, if you aren't already doing so. (I would also recommend printing out this question and showing it to them.)
Maybe now would also be a good time to reach out to that confidant you lost. I'm certain he's worried about you, and how you're doing.
Much love. I know how hard it is when therapy seems to be making life more stressful and complicated. But it's a good thing that you're in treatment. A very good thing!
posted by desert outpost at 5:13 PM on October 12, 2022 [19 favorites]
Anyone who wishes you weren’t in therapy is a huge red flag on fire. It is absolutely outrageous verging on abusive to oppose someone’s quest for self-knowledge and insight about their own life.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:57 PM on October 12, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:57 PM on October 12, 2022 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you as ever for all the advice.
I discussed this with my therapist, and he pointed out that I'm a) talking about some not-necessarily-completely-grieved-about trauma in my past, b) grieving the loss of my spouse (insofar as their personality has changed this year) and thus c) grieving the potential loss of my marriage… yeah, there's going to be some ugly crying.
I've reached out to my friends (realising in the process that I'm really not good at reaching out to anyone for help, except perhaps strangers on the internet) and we'll see how that goes.
posted by six sided sock at 2:40 PM on October 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
I discussed this with my therapist, and he pointed out that I'm a) talking about some not-necessarily-completely-grieved-about trauma in my past, b) grieving the loss of my spouse (insofar as their personality has changed this year) and thus c) grieving the potential loss of my marriage… yeah, there's going to be some ugly crying.
I've reached out to my friends (realising in the process that I'm really not good at reaching out to anyone for help, except perhaps strangers on the internet) and we'll see how that goes.
posted by six sided sock at 2:40 PM on October 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
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Talking to your therapist about it is a great idea. In terms of tactics I use for processing, shower crying is a good one. I also liked journaling. Yoga (very breath focused yoga, specifically) is very helpful for processing and getting out of rumination and letting my body process and move things. Spending quality time with myself in ways that drop me into my body from my head - movement, play, music, nature, ect.
If it is not a safe time in your life to be processing these feelings (partner would read your journal??? this does not create the kind of emotional safety needed for healthy processing), please prioritize structuring your life so that you can get to a place where it IS safe.
posted by nevernines at 9:32 AM on October 12, 2022 [12 favorites]