Grrrrr! How to kick a bad habit I already kicked!
October 5, 2022 8:52 PM Subscribe
I have long been a problem drinker and used alcohol to destress and relax. My worst most tempting time is from 4-6pm. I did a great course and stopped drinking last year but summer was stressful and I started drinking on the vacation from hell and now that I’m home I have found it hard to stop again. Any tips?
I still have access to all the course materials but since there is no social interaction anymore I don’t do it.I feel VERY stressed a lonely at the moment and have recently had a mental health wobble amd the vacation from hell and gave myself permission to drink but when I got home I didn’t stop and now it’s 5 weeks later. We aren’t talking huge amounts here but I have fragile mental health and alcohol isn’t good for me. Any tips? I did great last year and didn’t miss it at all once I was over the first week, my problem is probably just that first week. Any programs or apps or anything that have interaction that aren’t super duper expensive? Also I am
Housebound during the evenings otherwise I would
Go to the gym or a massage but that’s not an option at the moment.
I still have access to all the course materials but since there is no social interaction anymore I don’t do it.I feel VERY stressed a lonely at the moment and have recently had a mental health wobble amd the vacation from hell and gave myself permission to drink but when I got home I didn’t stop and now it’s 5 weeks later. We aren’t talking huge amounts here but I have fragile mental health and alcohol isn’t good for me. Any tips? I did great last year and didn’t miss it at all once I was over the first week, my problem is probably just that first week. Any programs or apps or anything that have interaction that aren’t super duper expensive? Also I am
Housebound during the evenings otherwise I would
Go to the gym or a massage but that’s not an option at the moment.
Some folks find the Cthreefoundation helpful. I talked more about it here.
posted by Violet Blue at 10:21 PM on October 5, 2022
posted by Violet Blue at 10:21 PM on October 5, 2022
I have been using an app called Reframe which has helped keep me on track after a really successful course like the one you describe. Reframe has daily activities, drink logging, and forums and zoom meetings, so you can engage as much or as little as you need. The vibe is very non-judgmental and open to either quitting or cutting back approaches.
posted by tinymojo at 10:25 PM on October 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by tinymojo at 10:25 PM on October 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Apologies if this is too obvious, but have you tried replacing your drinks with other drinks?
A few years ago, I found myself in a habit where I was drinking more at night than I should. I bought a Mastrad PureFizz, which is a gizmo that takes tiny carbonator cartridges to make fizzy water. I add a bit of fruit juice (cranberry is good) and drink it from a wine glass. I get the same enjoyment of drinking an adult beverage, because it isn't super sugary like soda.
Ages ago, I asked this question here: "Help me replace my evening drink with something that isn't alcohol." Maybe you'll find some ideas there?
posted by 2oh1 at 10:38 PM on October 5, 2022 [8 favorites]
A few years ago, I found myself in a habit where I was drinking more at night than I should. I bought a Mastrad PureFizz, which is a gizmo that takes tiny carbonator cartridges to make fizzy water. I add a bit of fruit juice (cranberry is good) and drink it from a wine glass. I get the same enjoyment of drinking an adult beverage, because it isn't super sugary like soda.
Ages ago, I asked this question here: "Help me replace my evening drink with something that isn't alcohol." Maybe you'll find some ideas there?
posted by 2oh1 at 10:38 PM on October 5, 2022 [8 favorites]
If this is a system that works for you, AA has a list of online meetings. As long as you’re ok with the AA approach, this might give you a group to find accountability with.
In times when I’ve backslid on bad habits, I’ve adopted a weird mental trick to keep me on path — I’ll self-talk variations on “BECAUSE I don’t drink, my mental state is more stable.” “Because I don’t drink, I don’t wake up with a headache.” “Because I don’t drink, I have more money and I’m not as worried about that.” It’s the “Because I don’t…” that helps. It evokes now-ness to the thought that makes it easier to relax into.
Good luck.
posted by Silvery Fish at 4:26 AM on October 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
In times when I’ve backslid on bad habits, I’ve adopted a weird mental trick to keep me on path — I’ll self-talk variations on “BECAUSE I don’t drink, my mental state is more stable.” “Because I don’t drink, I don’t wake up with a headache.” “Because I don’t drink, I have more money and I’m not as worried about that.” It’s the “Because I don’t…” that helps. It evokes now-ness to the thought that makes it easier to relax into.
Good luck.
posted by Silvery Fish at 4:26 AM on October 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
Apologies if this is too obvious, but have you tried replacing your drinks with other drinks?
I'm going to second this idea, since 2011 (when the thread above was posted) things have changed on the non-alcoholic beverage scene.
Having said that, those non-alcoholic spirits are ridiculously expensive. When I wanted to break that "after work" drink pattern I turned to making shrubs.
I made a big pitcher of something pretty like a blackberry-rhubarb or peach shrub.
The key for me was splurging on the garnishes/mixers , get a four pack of the fancy fevertree tonic waters. Go crazy with the garnishes (lemon peel, the good maraschino cherries). Put everything in a nice old-fashioned glass. Level up your ice game.
By being very intentional about the preparation, you help your brain satisfy that anticipatory urge you typically get with alcohol. I could typically break the urge habit in 3 days this way, but YMMV.
posted by jeremias at 4:45 AM on October 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
I'm going to second this idea, since 2011 (when the thread above was posted) things have changed on the non-alcoholic beverage scene.
Having said that, those non-alcoholic spirits are ridiculously expensive. When I wanted to break that "after work" drink pattern I turned to making shrubs.
I made a big pitcher of something pretty like a blackberry-rhubarb or peach shrub.
The key for me was splurging on the garnishes/mixers , get a four pack of the fancy fevertree tonic waters. Go crazy with the garnishes (lemon peel, the good maraschino cherries). Put everything in a nice old-fashioned glass. Level up your ice game.
By being very intentional about the preparation, you help your brain satisfy that anticipatory urge you typically get with alcohol. I could typically break the urge habit in 3 days this way, but YMMV.
posted by jeremias at 4:45 AM on October 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
Check out SMART Recovery. They have online meetings, and it's full of folks who bounced out of AA because of its born-again christian nature. The AA big book is so outdated, patronizing and sexist it's head-spinning. I also found the types of people inSMART groups to be far more diverse. Just my experience and opinion.
But like AA, every group is different. Some suck, some are great. Find a good one and be patient. I had a much worse problem than what you described and it took me 2 full years to fully quit. SMART was a big help because of the people I met there. I miss the in-person meetings (f*** you, Covid)... I genuinely enjoyed going to the groups I found.
I've been sober for 5 years this month. Good luck. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to.
posted by SoberHighland at 4:55 AM on October 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
But like AA, every group is different. Some suck, some are great. Find a good one and be patient. I had a much worse problem than what you described and it took me 2 full years to fully quit. SMART was a big help because of the people I met there. I miss the in-person meetings (f*** you, Covid)... I genuinely enjoyed going to the groups I found.
I've been sober for 5 years this month. Good luck. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to.
posted by SoberHighland at 4:55 AM on October 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
I had a really simple tool for helping me quit smoking and stick to a intermittent fasting program: Every time I felt the urge to smoke or eat a snack I simply ate a fishermans friend. I found I got my cravings always in brief bursts and amazingly this tided me succesfully over those little moments of temptation! The thing that did it for me was the really strong flavour, this kind of reset my cravings timer like the real thing.
posted by SweetLiesOfBokonon at 6:28 AM on October 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by SweetLiesOfBokonon at 6:28 AM on October 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
If you want the social aspect of not drinking together with other people, I found the support of the Reddit forum stopdrinking to be very helpful. They are neutral to any program, they simply offer a daily thread to commit every morning that you will not drink today.
posted by muddgirl at 6:54 AM on October 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by muddgirl at 6:54 AM on October 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
When I’m trying to drink less, I enjoy a bottle of kombucha. I like the large single serving bottles more than drinking out of a glass, feels more like an occasion. Kombucha is a bit sweet, fizzy, and feels kind of fancy and special. Good for your gut, too.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:31 AM on October 6, 2022
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:31 AM on October 6, 2022
I keep trying to pare this down and failing, apologies for my verbosity.
my problem is probably just that first week
Our situations aren't quite the same, but what helped me with that first (second, and third) week was NA drink replacements.
I was a daily still-somewhat-socially-acceptable-quantities-of-alcohol binge drinker who quit at the end of 2019.
One lesson I learned from having previously quit cigarettes (twice!) is that just up and stopping cold turkey does not work for me. I can't just stop a habit/coping mechanism and expect it to magically stick.
It's important to maintain the rituals.
With cigarettes, I kept taking "smoke breaks" and would gnaw the hell out of and even take drags off of a ballpoint pen I kept with me expressly for that purpose.
Maintaining the ritual but with a substitution helped me quit without feeling like I was actually quitting, which gave my body time to adjust to the lack of nicotine and eventually stop craving it.
So with alcohol, I tried the same thing, only instead of a pen it was non-alcoholic drinks.
At first I'd get home from work and knock back a couple shots of watered down apple cider vinegar, which scratched the "drink something moderately painful" itch my brain associated with stress relief. I started drinking lots of seltzers, which did much the same. I also tried lots of different NA beers. HUGE shoutout to Athletic Brewing, especially their Hazy IPA. Best NA beer I've ever had, and the only one I still drink from time to time.
But I think the drink that did most of the heavy lifting in allowing me to successfully quit alcohol was kombucha. It's a bit sour like the apple cider vinegar, while also tasting distinctly fermented, which made a big difference for me. I'd pour it into my favorite rock glass after work and it really, truly felt like I was drinking a cocktail. It allowed me to maintain the unhealthy "if stress, then drink" coping mechanism without actually doing any physical harm to myself, and it gave my body the chance to adjust to the lack of alcohol.
I think this might be worth trying for you, since you seem to have a similar "if stress, then drink" association, and doing it this way feels like you're still giving yourself "permission to drink" without actually doing so.
There are lots of different brands and flavors, so you can hopefully find one that you like.
Another thing that was important to me, perhaps to you, was not making it a zero sum game. I knew that if I "failed" by having alcohol after deciding to quit, it would cause a self destructive spiral and I wouldn't quit at all. So I hope you don't view starting up again as a failure, it's just part of your journey towards quitting.
Also important is compensating for the lack of anxiety or stress relief that the alcohol was chemically providing your brain. Making the unhealthy coping mechanism healthier by replacing the booze just means you have a slightly healthier unhealthy coping mechanism, and quitting alcohol can exacerbate anxiety or other mental health issues. I don't feel qualified to offer any advice on that part, just figured I'd point out that substitutions are a helpful stop gap measure, not the total solution.
Good on you for continuing to make a positive change for your health and well being! Good luck!
posted by Anonymous at 7:40 AM on October 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
my problem is probably just that first week
Our situations aren't quite the same, but what helped me with that first (second, and third) week was NA drink replacements.
I was a daily still-somewhat-socially-acceptable-quantities-of-alcohol binge drinker who quit at the end of 2019.
One lesson I learned from having previously quit cigarettes (twice!) is that just up and stopping cold turkey does not work for me. I can't just stop a habit/coping mechanism and expect it to magically stick.
It's important to maintain the rituals.
With cigarettes, I kept taking "smoke breaks" and would gnaw the hell out of and even take drags off of a ballpoint pen I kept with me expressly for that purpose.
Maintaining the ritual but with a substitution helped me quit without feeling like I was actually quitting, which gave my body time to adjust to the lack of nicotine and eventually stop craving it.
So with alcohol, I tried the same thing, only instead of a pen it was non-alcoholic drinks.
At first I'd get home from work and knock back a couple shots of watered down apple cider vinegar, which scratched the "drink something moderately painful" itch my brain associated with stress relief. I started drinking lots of seltzers, which did much the same. I also tried lots of different NA beers. HUGE shoutout to Athletic Brewing, especially their Hazy IPA. Best NA beer I've ever had, and the only one I still drink from time to time.
But I think the drink that did most of the heavy lifting in allowing me to successfully quit alcohol was kombucha. It's a bit sour like the apple cider vinegar, while also tasting distinctly fermented, which made a big difference for me. I'd pour it into my favorite rock glass after work and it really, truly felt like I was drinking a cocktail. It allowed me to maintain the unhealthy "if stress, then drink" coping mechanism without actually doing any physical harm to myself, and it gave my body the chance to adjust to the lack of alcohol.
I think this might be worth trying for you, since you seem to have a similar "if stress, then drink" association, and doing it this way feels like you're still giving yourself "permission to drink" without actually doing so.
There are lots of different brands and flavors, so you can hopefully find one that you like.
Another thing that was important to me, perhaps to you, was not making it a zero sum game. I knew that if I "failed" by having alcohol after deciding to quit, it would cause a self destructive spiral and I wouldn't quit at all. So I hope you don't view starting up again as a failure, it's just part of your journey towards quitting.
Also important is compensating for the lack of anxiety or stress relief that the alcohol was chemically providing your brain. Making the unhealthy coping mechanism healthier by replacing the booze just means you have a slightly healthier unhealthy coping mechanism, and quitting alcohol can exacerbate anxiety or other mental health issues. I don't feel qualified to offer any advice on that part, just figured I'd point out that substitutions are a helpful stop gap measure, not the total solution.
Good on you for continuing to make a positive change for your health and well being! Good luck!
posted by Anonymous at 7:40 AM on October 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
I know that it's frowned on to replace one substance with another, but I'm not advocating doing so with anything illegal. However, I was able to get through a chokepoint like this with two such things, at different points in my life: a) legal anxiolytics prescribed by a psychiatrist and b) CBD.
CBD is more likely to be easy to get for you, depending on where you live, where it may or may not be legal and appearing in stores. The drink Recess has it, and it's marketed as a kind of wine substitute. A small dosage, as in Recess, is best, or otherwise I find I go right to sleep. But then some people aren't affected at all. YMMV.
Seeing a psychiatrist who was willing to prescribe a low dose of fast-acting anxiolytic made all the difference to me, in terms of my drinking, and under insurance (in the US) the medications weren't expensive. But due to long wait times and stigmas in prescribing them even if you do have insurance, this might not be an option for you.
Good luck and hugs to you.
posted by Countess Elena at 8:34 AM on October 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
CBD is more likely to be easy to get for you, depending on where you live, where it may or may not be legal and appearing in stores. The drink Recess has it, and it's marketed as a kind of wine substitute. A small dosage, as in Recess, is best, or otherwise I find I go right to sleep. But then some people aren't affected at all. YMMV.
Seeing a psychiatrist who was willing to prescribe a low dose of fast-acting anxiolytic made all the difference to me, in terms of my drinking, and under insurance (in the US) the medications weren't expensive. But due to long wait times and stigmas in prescribing them even if you do have insurance, this might not be an option for you.
Good luck and hugs to you.
posted by Countess Elena at 8:34 AM on October 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
(addendum to the previous comment: it's important to note that I did not develop a dependence on the prescription drugs and have not used them in some time. Doing a one-to-one substance swap would be no bueno)
posted by Countess Elena at 8:36 AM on October 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Countess Elena at 8:36 AM on October 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
You might check out the Recovered Podcast. It is somewhat social, in that the host and a few people talk on the topic of the day. I do think most of them are or were involved in AA groups, so AA things come up.
Perhaps you could commit to listinging to an episode a day for a week.
posted by bruinfan at 8:49 AM on October 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
Perhaps you could commit to listinging to an episode a day for a week.
posted by bruinfan at 8:49 AM on October 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
For the first few weeks, could you plan an activity during your most vulnerable time, so that you’re not available to drink? Preferably something where either someone else is counting on you to show up, or you have to pay for it in advance, so you’re less likely to just blow it off. Book a meeting, make plans with a friend, sign up for an exercise class that meets at that time, buy a movie ticket. Heck, make all those medical and to-do list and other annoying appointments we all procrastinate on—dentist and getting your car detailed and having a plumber come over to check the tiny leak under the sink and getting that one weird mole checked—and book them at 4 or 4:30 every day for a couple of weeks. If you’re self-aware enough to have pinpointed the time you’re most vulnerable, distract yourself with something else that precludes drinking at that time. It seems like you know what you need to do and have many of the tools to do it, but you get caught up in that moment and lose the will to follow through. So if you can remove yourself from the situation where drinking is possible or available, that might help you stay on track until you get back out of this routine you know is suboptimal for you. Best of luck!!
posted by decathecting at 9:00 AM on October 6, 2022
posted by decathecting at 9:00 AM on October 6, 2022
Whoops I missed the bit about being housebound in the evenings. But some of the things you could do to be busy could be done from home. Zoom meetings or an online class or some other appointment that doesn’t require you to leave your home.
posted by decathecting at 9:02 AM on October 6, 2022
posted by decathecting at 9:02 AM on October 6, 2022
If you're open to pharmaceutical intervention - you can discuss your alcohol use with a prescribing physician and see if they agree that trying naltrexone is suitable for you.
If doesn't prevent you from becoming intoxicated, but it takes away the "high" or pleasurable feeling from alcohol so it can help decondition your cravings.
posted by porpoise at 12:40 PM on October 6, 2022
If doesn't prevent you from becoming intoxicated, but it takes away the "high" or pleasurable feeling from alcohol so it can help decondition your cravings.
posted by porpoise at 12:40 PM on October 6, 2022
Can you replace it with something else that will feel good in that period? Given the timing, maybe getting the ingredients to cook something really awesome and interesting for dinner will help- it'll occupy the time and then give you a different sort of reward at the end.
Other possibilities:
Watch movies or TV you find super engaging
Video games
Intense exercise
Zoom RPGs
If you have a pet, make that its play/exercise/training/maintenance time
Nap
Crafts
Housework
posted by metasarah at 7:14 AM on October 7, 2022
Other possibilities:
Watch movies or TV you find super engaging
Video games
Intense exercise
Zoom RPGs
If you have a pet, make that its play/exercise/training/maintenance time
Nap
Crafts
Housework
posted by metasarah at 7:14 AM on October 7, 2022
Can you replace it with something else relaxing? 4pm is a great time for tea, no reason not to have scones, tiny sandwiches, cakes, whatever would make you happy. If there's tv or a book that you love getting lost in and makes you feel good, give yourself that hour or two to indulge, with no goals or things you need to get done. It's just time to relax at the end of the day. If there's a new ritual, basically, would that help?
posted by blueberry monster at 10:03 AM on October 19, 2022
posted by blueberry monster at 10:03 AM on October 19, 2022
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For evenings, what about a home workout/contemplation/creative practice that helps you *feel* things (since stress has been on your mind)? Lots of people adore Yoga With Adrienne, and she has tons of free content on YouTube. I get a lot out of talks from Tara Brach - again, a huge and completely free back catalogue of talks + low-stakes meditations addressing anger, grief, physical pain, relationships, etc. She’s a white American Buddhist, but has respect for the material and incorporates many other spiritual, secular, and scientific wisdom traditions in her work. Big paper and crayons? Journaling? Feel free to send me a MeMail!
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 9:43 PM on October 5, 2022 [3 favorites]