Infrequent text replies - kiddo in university
October 5, 2022 12:51 PM Subscribe
Hi folks. Eldest kiddo is away at attending their first year at university. I reach out to them a few times a week to see how they are doing or say I'm thinking of them or what have you, and am finding myself frustrated at their delayed and/or brief responses. Looking for perspective.
Sample scenario from last week. We'd had a 5 minute phone call a few days prior, and I learned that they had a mid-term on Wednesday. Wednesday morning I texted them "Good luck on the mid-term today!", no response. Thursday evening I texted "how did the mid-term go?", no response. Saturday morning I texted "how's your week been, how was that mid-term?" and got a reply "been busy ha ha", with no other info.
I am not expecting lengthy text conversations with Kiddo, they have never been a great texter, but they've historically generally answered simple questions. I have spoken with them 2 times total, since we moved them to university at the start of September, and chatting every few weeks feels fine and reasonable.
I'm finding the lack of decent responses to texts (moreso than the delayed response) rude. They are a person who lives on their phone. They never ask how folks at home are, or what's going on with us, and I can actually accept that - they've never been great at showing interest and that's ok. It's really the lack of responses that's bugging me. To be clear, the texts above would be the only texts sent to them that week form home. What's your take? Would you find this rude from your kid?
Sample scenario from last week. We'd had a 5 minute phone call a few days prior, and I learned that they had a mid-term on Wednesday. Wednesday morning I texted them "Good luck on the mid-term today!", no response. Thursday evening I texted "how did the mid-term go?", no response. Saturday morning I texted "how's your week been, how was that mid-term?" and got a reply "been busy ha ha", with no other info.
I am not expecting lengthy text conversations with Kiddo, they have never been a great texter, but they've historically generally answered simple questions. I have spoken with them 2 times total, since we moved them to university at the start of September, and chatting every few weeks feels fine and reasonable.
I'm finding the lack of decent responses to texts (moreso than the delayed response) rude. They are a person who lives on their phone. They never ask how folks at home are, or what's going on with us, and I can actually accept that - they've never been great at showing interest and that's ok. It's really the lack of responses that's bugging me. To be clear, the texts above would be the only texts sent to them that week form home. What's your take? Would you find this rude from your kid?
No, not really. This is when they start really separating from you and home. And sometimes, communication from home can be a gut punch to a college kid who is homesick.
Getting my kids to respond was like pulling teeth but now that they're older, we text as a family quite regularly. This would be a good time to sit down with your kid (in person? phone call?) and lay out what you'd prefer with communication and see what they prefer and settle on a compromise .
But yeah, this is pretty typical.
posted by cooker girl at 12:57 PM on October 5, 2022 [16 favorites]
Getting my kids to respond was like pulling teeth but now that they're older, we text as a family quite regularly. This would be a good time to sit down with your kid (in person? phone call?) and lay out what you'd prefer with communication and see what they prefer and settle on a compromise .
But yeah, this is pretty typical.
posted by cooker girl at 12:57 PM on October 5, 2022 [16 favorites]
I remember when I first went off to college it was such a sudden whirl of new faces, things, experiences, stuff, etc-- it took all my energy to stay on top of it and I didn't call home because I just couldn't focus on what seemed like a world away.
posted by The otter lady at 1:00 PM on October 5, 2022 [26 favorites]
posted by The otter lady at 1:00 PM on October 5, 2022 [26 favorites]
I'd encourage you to give them space to focus on their new exciting independent adult life. Let them come back around on their own terms (which may take years), not by being scolded that they're rude.
Be there for when they want to talk, and be patient when they don't.
posted by Diddly at 1:00 PM on October 5, 2022 [55 favorites]
Be there for when they want to talk, and be patient when they don't.
posted by Diddly at 1:00 PM on October 5, 2022 [55 favorites]
It's pretty typical but I don't think you would be wrong to ask them to acknowledge. Like "Even if you could just thumbs-up the text, it would mean a lot to me." That said I am 44 and I am still terrible at communicating with my mother in the ways she prefers/appreciates.
posted by mskyle at 1:03 PM on October 5, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by mskyle at 1:03 PM on October 5, 2022 [9 favorites]
You perceive it as rude, but it probably doesn't come from a place of rudeness. This is 100% the way it's always been. Even wayyyyy back in my ancient college days long before texting, my family was sweet and supportive and generous and sent packages and postcards and checked in with me and were so curious about my life and I ALMOST NEVER CALLED (unless I needed something).
There's something about the mental shift from Fledgling-adult-at-college to Still-also-child-of-parents that just felt awkward and hard. I SO badly just wanted to STAY in the Fledgling-adult-at-college head space that it was worth the pang of guilt to see the message and then get back to whatever I was doing.
My advice is to keep sending the texts and keep loving them as they are. You've raised them to be independent and to separate from you, so let them do it.
posted by nkknkk at 1:04 PM on October 5, 2022 [30 favorites]
There's something about the mental shift from Fledgling-adult-at-college to Still-also-child-of-parents that just felt awkward and hard. I SO badly just wanted to STAY in the Fledgling-adult-at-college head space that it was worth the pang of guilt to see the message and then get back to whatever I was doing.
My advice is to keep sending the texts and keep loving them as they are. You've raised them to be independent and to separate from you, so let them do it.
posted by nkknkk at 1:04 PM on October 5, 2022 [30 favorites]
You really need to dial back on the expectations here. It's been what, a month? No matter your intentions, texting that many times about the midterm is going to feel a little bit like helicoptering to a kid who is one month into a giant life change like going off to college. For what it's worth, my mom has always been a little clingy with poor boundaries, and when she asks me questions I find intrusive my default is to ignore them.
posted by cakelite at 1:05 PM on October 5, 2022 [35 favorites]
posted by cakelite at 1:05 PM on October 5, 2022 [35 favorites]
There's too much going on at college to be able to reply to questions like "How was your week?" into a text. I'd recommend just sending them an email about how things are at home every week & let them respond how they want to.
posted by bleep at 1:07 PM on October 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by bleep at 1:07 PM on October 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
It's not 'polite' to avoid responding to your messages. However, it doesn't sound like you're 'just thinking of them' when you send the text messages, it sounds like you want them to respond to you and to be thinking of you. That's not a wrong thing to want, but if they've never been great at showing responses, and never been a great texter, then the most likely answer is that they are busy enjoying their new life at university and they feel confident that you will love them and be there for them regardless of whether they reply. And while it would be nice if they were more responsive, at least they are not crying on the phone homesick or failing to make friends or similar.
I think this is one of those parenting things where you have to be the bigger person and swallow what you want. By all means text them at the frequency you're doing, and roll your eyes at the lack of reply. Because even if their lack of response is rude, there's nothing you can (or more accurately, should) really do about it. Except probably lovingly tease them about it in later life.
posted by plonkee at 1:07 PM on October 5, 2022 [19 favorites]
I think this is one of those parenting things where you have to be the bigger person and swallow what you want. By all means text them at the frequency you're doing, and roll your eyes at the lack of reply. Because even if their lack of response is rude, there's nothing you can (or more accurately, should) really do about it. Except probably lovingly tease them about it in later life.
posted by plonkee at 1:07 PM on October 5, 2022 [19 favorites]
I can be avoidant when people ask me about stressful things. Is there also a slow response to messages that are lighter weight?
posted by 10ch at 1:07 PM on October 5, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by 10ch at 1:07 PM on October 5, 2022 [8 favorites]
Oh also... if I got 3 texts from you about a midterm exam, I'll probably stop telling you about future midterm exams.
posted by nkknkk at 1:08 PM on October 5, 2022 [104 favorites]
posted by nkknkk at 1:08 PM on October 5, 2022 [104 favorites]
My Freshman year I probably was in touch....monthly? Maybe every couple of weeks. I was the youngest but the one who went the farthest. I appreciate now that my parents gave me my space.
I also appreciate that Things Have Changed, and we all have different expectations for communication.
I would caution you that the commenters, above, are right on: your child is standing up on his own now. Be there when he's ready, but keep things low-key.
If this is stressing you out, then tell them that next time you are together in person (so that you can follow it up with a hug and a treat).
posted by wenestvedt at 1:09 PM on October 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
I also appreciate that Things Have Changed, and we all have different expectations for communication.
I would caution you that the commenters, above, are right on: your child is standing up on his own now. Be there when he's ready, but keep things low-key.
If this is stressing you out, then tell them that next time you are together in person (so that you can follow it up with a hug and a treat).
posted by wenestvedt at 1:09 PM on October 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
I feel you, but you can't take this personally. Kid is in the middle of adjusting to a totally new place, new concerns, new mode of life. Asking kid to code-switch mentally back to their other life, where they're accountable to you and your concerns, especially at unscheduled times, is not realistic.
If you want to insist on something, insist on something scheduled, e.g. a Sunday morning check-in -- so they can organize their thoughts for it, and you know that it's coming and can stop freaking out in the interim.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:09 PM on October 5, 2022 [11 favorites]
If you want to insist on something, insist on something scheduled, e.g. a Sunday morning check-in -- so they can organize their thoughts for it, and you know that it's coming and can stop freaking out in the interim.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:09 PM on October 5, 2022 [11 favorites]
I remember when I went to college and the only way my parents could reach me was by calling me on my landline and leaving a message that would be recorded on a mini cassette tape. They couldn't even send me an email until a few years later.
There was so much they didn't know about what I was doing in a given week and yet we still maintained a relationship.
This is all to say that the easy and ubiquity of ways to connect with people has it's good points, but we also used to have much more space from one another and there were nice things about that too.
This is your first child leaving home. That's a big deal. May spend a bit more tome reflecting on why you need to check in so often and less time on your child's perceived rudeness.
posted by brookeb at 1:14 PM on October 5, 2022 [13 favorites]
There was so much they didn't know about what I was doing in a given week and yet we still maintained a relationship.
This is all to say that the easy and ubiquity of ways to connect with people has it's good points, but we also used to have much more space from one another and there were nice things about that too.
This is your first child leaving home. That's a big deal. May spend a bit more tome reflecting on why you need to check in so often and less time on your child's perceived rudeness.
posted by brookeb at 1:14 PM on October 5, 2022 [13 favorites]
I am stressed out just reading this question.
They don't want to talk to you about their test!! Clearly! Jesus. And opinions may vary on this, but my own opinion is that they shouldn't have to.
Instead of drilling the kid with endless questions, how about you create content for them to react to, instead? You're both adults now. Relate to your kid as an adult. Share a quick text about something funny that happened to you today, or a photo you took. It's ok to be schmaltzy with it too, like sending a pic of some pancakes and saying "I miss our pancake Saturdays! Have a wonderful day today!" You have an opportunity to be a comfort here, during a scary time.
Right now you're grilling them in an extremely stressful way, during a very new and stressful time for them. Please, please I beg of you as a person who has a lousy, defensive relationship with her parents, please do not do that.
posted by phunniemee at 1:15 PM on October 5, 2022 [85 favorites]
They don't want to talk to you about their test!! Clearly! Jesus. And opinions may vary on this, but my own opinion is that they shouldn't have to.
Instead of drilling the kid with endless questions, how about you create content for them to react to, instead? You're both adults now. Relate to your kid as an adult. Share a quick text about something funny that happened to you today, or a photo you took. It's ok to be schmaltzy with it too, like sending a pic of some pancakes and saying "I miss our pancake Saturdays! Have a wonderful day today!" You have an opportunity to be a comfort here, during a scary time.
Right now you're grilling them in an extremely stressful way, during a very new and stressful time for them. Please, please I beg of you as a person who has a lousy, defensive relationship with her parents, please do not do that.
posted by phunniemee at 1:15 PM on October 5, 2022 [85 favorites]
My grandmom is the single relative who had the most success in keeping in touch with me throughout my 20s. I would come home from a chaotic day of university/work/volunteering and find a message on the answering machine, in her distinct accent, "Hi hun, it's grandmom. Caawll me!". She died recently and I don't have any saved voicemails but I don't need them because I heard it so many times it is forever in my heart.
I suspect she kept track, because it felt like we talked almost exactly monthly, and it always seemed like the phone calls were almost exactly 20 minutes each. They followed a structure. Weather, how people we had in common were doing, anything noteworthy with me or her, time to go. She was a pretty rigid thinker in a lot of ways, but I think this insistence on monthly calls was amazing for our relationship.
I always knew it was ok to call her back because it wasn't going to be a huge deal. We were going to follow that predictable structure and it would be over in 20 minutes. Even so, I doubt I always remembered to call her back. It probably didn't feel monthly to her at all.
Your kid is busy and hasn't learned the keep-in-touch skill yet. You are an axiom in your child's life. This means that your child can trust that you will always be there. Your child has spent a lifetime living in your world and is now learning to create their own world. If you're from more or less the same US culture as much of metafilter, your child needs to separate from you and become their own person.
My grandmom modeled the keep-in-touch skill for me, and accepted the deficit of the keeping-in-touch skill in me, and I very very much valued those about her. Let go of your frustration. Let go of your child while continuing to be available if needed. Keep the channels open in a way that meets the needs of your child.
posted by aniola at 1:17 PM on October 5, 2022 [33 favorites]
I suspect she kept track, because it felt like we talked almost exactly monthly, and it always seemed like the phone calls were almost exactly 20 minutes each. They followed a structure. Weather, how people we had in common were doing, anything noteworthy with me or her, time to go. She was a pretty rigid thinker in a lot of ways, but I think this insistence on monthly calls was amazing for our relationship.
I always knew it was ok to call her back because it wasn't going to be a huge deal. We were going to follow that predictable structure and it would be over in 20 minutes. Even so, I doubt I always remembered to call her back. It probably didn't feel monthly to her at all.
Your kid is busy and hasn't learned the keep-in-touch skill yet. You are an axiom in your child's life. This means that your child can trust that you will always be there. Your child has spent a lifetime living in your world and is now learning to create their own world. If you're from more or less the same US culture as much of metafilter, your child needs to separate from you and become their own person.
My grandmom modeled the keep-in-touch skill for me, and accepted the deficit of the keeping-in-touch skill in me, and I very very much valued those about her. Let go of your frustration. Let go of your child while continuing to be available if needed. Keep the channels open in a way that meets the needs of your child.
posted by aniola at 1:17 PM on October 5, 2022 [33 favorites]
.... oh, and I'm sorry, but please don't insist on a regularly scheduled check-in. That may sound good to you but for kiddo, with an unpredictable schedule (especially/even socially, yes, Sunday morning too) it's a recipe for lots of extra guilt with a sprinkle of white lies ("oh no, my phone wasn't charged") and subsequent disappointment and distress all around.
posted by nkknkk at 1:18 PM on October 5, 2022 [14 favorites]
posted by nkknkk at 1:18 PM on October 5, 2022 [14 favorites]
My parents have had the same reaction to my lack of engagement over text. But they are somewhat not self-aware of their tendency to use the guise of a “simple” Q&A as a way to start a whole conversation, so I don’t engage in texting with them UNLESS I have the time and attention to devote to a whole conversation. Therefore, my engagement drops.
posted by cranberrymonger at 1:20 PM on October 5, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by cranberrymonger at 1:20 PM on October 5, 2022 [7 favorites]
I recently found a bag of letters that my mother wrote me when I was at camp in the 1970s. In every letter she told me how much she loved me; she told me how much she'd love to hear from me; she asked when I never wrote back to her. I stopped reading after three letters.
I think I was a good, normal son and that you have a good, normal daughter.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 1:21 PM on October 5, 2022 [4 favorites]
I think I was a good, normal son and that you have a good, normal daughter.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 1:21 PM on October 5, 2022 [4 favorites]
The more you badger your child, the more they will withdraw/avoid you.
You might want to try waiting until they text or call you.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 1:22 PM on October 5, 2022 [8 favorites]
You might want to try waiting until they text or call you.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 1:22 PM on October 5, 2022 [8 favorites]
we didn't have texting when I was in college thank god and it was generally understood that extremely dutiful children called home (or accepted calls from home) once a week, at least at first. nobody talked to their parents more often than that unless they needed something (money) or were very attached and/or miserable. there is no reason for a contemporary university student to have greater texting obligations to their parents now than we had phone obligations to our parents then. that they answer you within one calendar week is an entirely reasonable expectation. more than that would be unreasonable.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:22 PM on October 5, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:22 PM on October 5, 2022 [8 favorites]
I'm like this in conversations with my parents (and I'm 43) and the reason is because I feel, rightly or wrongly, that ifnsomething is not going well, even minorly, they are going to be stressed out if I tell them. In other words I feel that if anything is wrong, I can't really talk to them about it. Maybe your kid is experiencing some type of stress (even minor) with the exam and therefore they don't want to talk about that.
I could be projecting, but something to reflect on if it resonates.
posted by bearette at 1:23 PM on October 5, 2022 [13 favorites]
I could be projecting, but something to reflect on if it resonates.
posted by bearette at 1:23 PM on October 5, 2022 [13 favorites]
Honestly, when I went off to college I spoke to my mom by phone maybe once a month. I don't think she had the least idea when my midterms were, much less how I did! Let the kid have space to start developing their own life. That's the best way to make sure they'll include you in it.
posted by praemunire at 1:23 PM on October 5, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 1:23 PM on October 5, 2022 [6 favorites]
Would you find this rude from your kid?
Yeah. But my kids are 5 and 3, and I'm still in mindset that being more than ten feet away from them is hard. My wife and I complain that daycare "only" sends a couple of updates per day. So let's flip this around and ask how I'd feel if it were my mom asking this about me, and yeah, I would not find myself rude in that scenario, because it's basically how I communicate with my mom. She'll text, I'll be doing something and not respond right away, I'll forget to text her back, and before you know it it's been a week and she thinks I'm mad at her for something.
It's especially weird because I went to college before texting (and, for that matter, before my mom even had email at home), so communicating with my mom meant phone calls, and yeah, it would have been really weird to call her more than once a week on the phone. New forms of communication mean that you can break up those big weekly phone calls, but not necessarily that you should. Also keep in mind that texting is a method of communication that's not particularly private. Other people can see your texts, and maybe the guys in my dorm were just assholes, but getting blown up by your mom about a midterm seems like an easy way to get made fun of for having an overprotective parent. Like, if a friend saw those texts, and they stay friends, they're still going to be asking your kid "so, how'd that midterm go?" twenty years from now.
Also consider the possibility that, if it's midterm season, it's possible that "been busy haha" is the truth. They've probably got other midterms that they're studying for, and these are their very first college tests. They don't know yet whether they're going to have to study their ass off, or if they can just cram the night before, or if they can BS their way through.
It sounds like you're still talking to your kid on the phone somewhat regularly, and... that's about what I'd expect. Now, ask me again when my kids go off to college, and I'm sure I'll be a lot closer to where you're at now. But for now, while I can remain objective, I can say that this sounds normal and not rude.
posted by kevinbelt at 1:25 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Yeah. But my kids are 5 and 3, and I'm still in mindset that being more than ten feet away from them is hard. My wife and I complain that daycare "only" sends a couple of updates per day. So let's flip this around and ask how I'd feel if it were my mom asking this about me, and yeah, I would not find myself rude in that scenario, because it's basically how I communicate with my mom. She'll text, I'll be doing something and not respond right away, I'll forget to text her back, and before you know it it's been a week and she thinks I'm mad at her for something.
It's especially weird because I went to college before texting (and, for that matter, before my mom even had email at home), so communicating with my mom meant phone calls, and yeah, it would have been really weird to call her more than once a week on the phone. New forms of communication mean that you can break up those big weekly phone calls, but not necessarily that you should. Also keep in mind that texting is a method of communication that's not particularly private. Other people can see your texts, and maybe the guys in my dorm were just assholes, but getting blown up by your mom about a midterm seems like an easy way to get made fun of for having an overprotective parent. Like, if a friend saw those texts, and they stay friends, they're still going to be asking your kid "so, how'd that midterm go?" twenty years from now.
Also consider the possibility that, if it's midterm season, it's possible that "been busy haha" is the truth. They've probably got other midterms that they're studying for, and these are their very first college tests. They don't know yet whether they're going to have to study their ass off, or if they can just cram the night before, or if they can BS their way through.
It sounds like you're still talking to your kid on the phone somewhat regularly, and... that's about what I'd expect. Now, ask me again when my kids go off to college, and I'm sure I'll be a lot closer to where you're at now. But for now, while I can remain objective, I can say that this sounds normal and not rude.
posted by kevinbelt at 1:25 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Hey folks, not to thread sit but to add clarity. In their high school days, we regularly talked about exams and big projects with them, provided encouragement. They had shared that they were nervous about their mid-term, that's why I followed up on it.
Kiddo was very worried about living away from home and had asked for and been offered a lot of emotional support prior to leaving, so we've started off the year trying to see if they were going to be ok. There was legit fear that they would ask to come home in the first few weeks, concern that they had voiced.
Side note -I am realizing I put a lot of weight in the relationships in my life on the courtesy of replying to people when they reach out, saying thanks or 'thumbs up' etc. There are no personal relationships I seek to maintain with this kind of a communication imbalance. I'm wrapping my head around, as I take in your answers. Thank you for sharing your perspectives.
posted by walkinginsunshine at 1:25 PM on October 5, 2022 [7 favorites]
Kiddo was very worried about living away from home and had asked for and been offered a lot of emotional support prior to leaving, so we've started off the year trying to see if they were going to be ok. There was legit fear that they would ask to come home in the first few weeks, concern that they had voiced.
Side note -I am realizing I put a lot of weight in the relationships in my life on the courtesy of replying to people when they reach out, saying thanks or 'thumbs up' etc. There are no personal relationships I seek to maintain with this kind of a communication imbalance. I'm wrapping my head around, as I take in your answers. Thank you for sharing your perspectives.
posted by walkinginsunshine at 1:25 PM on October 5, 2022 [7 favorites]
Oh, yes, and I agree with comments above about occasionally sending literally zero-stakes messages that require no reply. "Saw this tweet, thought of you"--that way they can be secretly reassured that you are still available for them, without feeling pressured to reply.
posted by praemunire at 1:26 PM on October 5, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 1:26 PM on October 5, 2022 [10 favorites]
Ack. Reading your post makes me feel there's not quite enough oxygen in my room. Please, please, if you want a relationship with Kiddo in the future, back off. Now. I suggest a journal. Write what you want to tell them. Write what you want to know. DO NOT share this journal with them for at least 10 years and 6 months. Good luck. You're obviously caring and very very anxious. I hope you find your new path soon.
posted by kestralwing at 1:27 PM on October 5, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by kestralwing at 1:27 PM on October 5, 2022 [11 favorites]
You've gotten a lot of good advice - I just have one idea to add. If it's causing you real anxiety not hearing back from your kid, next time you talk on the phone or in person, ask them to pick an emoji that they'll send you in response to a text that means, "Everything's fine, don't have the time/bandwidth to answer with words right now." Sometimes that's a lot easier than trying to respond in full sentences and can make you feel more like you're having a reciprocal conversation.
posted by tangosnail at 1:32 PM on October 5, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by tangosnail at 1:32 PM on October 5, 2022 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I appreciate the perspective you've added. You must be really worried about them. That's just good parenting.
And "backing off," like the commenters are asking you to do, is going to be REALLY HARD considering the early-fall anxiety that both you and the kiddo seem to be wrestling with. But it's still the right approach. Text the funny tweets and random photos of the cat, but please do try to put your expectations for substantive replies to the side. It doesn't sound like they are in crisis - you are in communication with them and the lines are open. Your goal now is to keep it that way!
posted by nkknkk at 1:34 PM on October 5, 2022 [20 favorites]
And "backing off," like the commenters are asking you to do, is going to be REALLY HARD considering the early-fall anxiety that both you and the kiddo seem to be wrestling with. But it's still the right approach. Text the funny tweets and random photos of the cat, but please do try to put your expectations for substantive replies to the side. It doesn't sound like they are in crisis - you are in communication with them and the lines are open. Your goal now is to keep it that way!
posted by nkknkk at 1:34 PM on October 5, 2022 [20 favorites]
To be clear, the texts above would be the only texts sent to them that week form home. What's your take? Would you find this rude from your kid?
A few times a week kinda seems like a lot. Not in general, but for this particular time in a kids life. I went to school where my dad taught, I think we saw each other a few times over the course of a term, and it was a small university where it's easy to accidentally bump into someone. I'm 100% certain he wanted to bump into me more often, and when we did cross paths he let me take the lead on coming over vs just waving. On preview: in HS we definitely talked about school stuff etc a lot.
Not reaching out too often was especially true the first few years. I was getting used to being my own person, not a family member. My senior year I think I started wandering over to his office or classes a few times a month just to say hi.
You could ask them if they'd prefer you email check-ins, then maybe it wouldn't feel like you're being ignored.
posted by ghost phoneme at 1:37 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
A few times a week kinda seems like a lot. Not in general, but for this particular time in a kids life. I went to school where my dad taught, I think we saw each other a few times over the course of a term, and it was a small university where it's easy to accidentally bump into someone. I'm 100% certain he wanted to bump into me more often, and when we did cross paths he let me take the lead on coming over vs just waving. On preview: in HS we definitely talked about school stuff etc a lot.
Not reaching out too often was especially true the first few years. I was getting used to being my own person, not a family member. My senior year I think I started wandering over to his office or classes a few times a month just to say hi.
You could ask them if they'd prefer you email check-ins, then maybe it wouldn't feel like you're being ignored.
posted by ghost phoneme at 1:37 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
There was no texting back when I went to college during the Clinton and Bush II years but thinking back I have to say I very rarely thought about my parents unless I needed something or it was getting close to break time. Just the way it is.
posted by rhymedirective at 1:39 PM on October 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by rhymedirective at 1:39 PM on October 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm glad you posted this because I can keep this discussion in mind when my kid goes off to do whatever.
But also, remembering that talking to my parents at college was a maybe every two weeks thing, always initiated by them, and longer with zero contact was not unusual. And I loved them! But I was caught up in figuring myself out and wanted to prove I could handle it.
At that age, I had the very real struggle of being a near adult who still felt about 5 years old when she went home or talked to family. I didn't have enough confidence yet to insist on not being treated as a kid. It could be a lot to deal with.
Your kid loves you and if they get hurt, or need something, they know they can call you. Step back and let them learn to walk.
posted by emjaybee at 1:42 PM on October 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
But also, remembering that talking to my parents at college was a maybe every two weeks thing, always initiated by them, and longer with zero contact was not unusual. And I loved them! But I was caught up in figuring myself out and wanted to prove I could handle it.
At that age, I had the very real struggle of being a near adult who still felt about 5 years old when she went home or talked to family. I didn't have enough confidence yet to insist on not being treated as a kid. It could be a lot to deal with.
Your kid loves you and if they get hurt, or need something, they know they can call you. Step back and let them learn to walk.
posted by emjaybee at 1:42 PM on October 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
The good news is that it sounds like they're getting totally immersed in this new world and that the things they worried about haven't come to pass - this state of affairs is way better than them calling you sobbing every night and wanting to come home, so hard as it is, I say let it fill your heart with joy that they're out there, so busy with their exciting new life, that they don't want to talk to their parents much.
Think about your differing perspectives and day to day experiences right now. First yours: You're in the same home, doing the same things, with the same day to day life, except this one huge thing is missing, and you're very aware of it and trying to fill that gap.
But they're not in the same situation you are. They're in a new home, in a new city, with a new life, new friends, new daily routines, new studies, new social activities. It's a LOT, their brain is absolutely full and buzzing making new connections, thinking new thoughts, seeing new things, meeting new people. They're literally shaping themselves as a new person. They need space to do that, and having to stop and think back to who they were before all this started is hard work and brings the process of adapting to a grinding halt for a minute. It's a tough change of gears to make.
Like others have said, that doesn't mean it'll always be this way, but I think you should take pride and relief that they're all caught up in their new life.
posted by penguin pie at 1:49 PM on October 5, 2022 [10 favorites]
Think about your differing perspectives and day to day experiences right now. First yours: You're in the same home, doing the same things, with the same day to day life, except this one huge thing is missing, and you're very aware of it and trying to fill that gap.
But they're not in the same situation you are. They're in a new home, in a new city, with a new life, new friends, new daily routines, new studies, new social activities. It's a LOT, their brain is absolutely full and buzzing making new connections, thinking new thoughts, seeing new things, meeting new people. They're literally shaping themselves as a new person. They need space to do that, and having to stop and think back to who they were before all this started is hard work and brings the process of adapting to a grinding halt for a minute. It's a tough change of gears to make.
Like others have said, that doesn't mean it'll always be this way, but I think you should take pride and relief that they're all caught up in their new life.
posted by penguin pie at 1:49 PM on October 5, 2022 [10 favorites]
I remember when I was in college how it bugged me that the only aspect of my life my parents seemed interested in was how I was doing in my classes and what my grades were. This was before email and texting, so they didn't know anything about specific assignments or tests I had, which was probably good. I wouldn't have been thrilled if the main communication I got from my mom was asking me repeatedly how I did on a test (especially if I didn't do very well on it.)
My first thought was that you could ask more general questions about how your kid is feeling and how life is going, but that's actually a stressful kind of question too. The answer is probably complicated and they might not want to share everything about how they're feeling. The best communication might be just telling something interesting about your own life, with no implied request for a response, or a question about something relatively unimportant, like how the food has been.
posted by Redstart at 1:51 PM on October 5, 2022 [6 favorites]
My first thought was that you could ask more general questions about how your kid is feeling and how life is going, but that's actually a stressful kind of question too. The answer is probably complicated and they might not want to share everything about how they're feeling. The best communication might be just telling something interesting about your own life, with no implied request for a response, or a question about something relatively unimportant, like how the food has been.
posted by Redstart at 1:51 PM on October 5, 2022 [6 favorites]
Other posters have said most of what I would say. I just wanted to follow up on your update to add, the way you feel before you leave for college, having no idea what awaits you and probably no connections at all socially, is very different from how you feel once you arrive at college, in a maelstrom of new places and new faces and new freedoms and new responsibilities. That your kid was nervous and is now incommunicado does not mean things are bad, it just means that things are different than they knew to expect. And that all seems very normal.
I think this year would be a great time for you to reinvest in some relationships at home, or a hobby you've set aside, in the way many of us do when kids enter the picture. I gather that the transition to empty nester is a huge one. As a mother of a ten year old, I look at that transition that you're in the middle of, and it is as unimaginable to me as the experience of being a freshman was, the summer before I left home.
posted by eirias at 1:51 PM on October 5, 2022 [6 favorites]
I think this year would be a great time for you to reinvest in some relationships at home, or a hobby you've set aside, in the way many of us do when kids enter the picture. I gather that the transition to empty nester is a huge one. As a mother of a ten year old, I look at that transition that you're in the middle of, and it is as unimaginable to me as the experience of being a freshman was, the summer before I left home.
posted by eirias at 1:51 PM on October 5, 2022 [6 favorites]
So, I went to college from 2004-2008. My parents expected... a LOT of communication from me, phone calls mainly, because they didn't know how to text yet. There were letters and cards, too. Gifts sent in the mail. Etc.
I started college with a normal, "eew/ugh my parents" teenager-parent dynamic. By the end I was 1 billion percent alienated from them... I did not approach them for help or support with anything personal for years afterwards. I still don't, to be honest. Any hint of infantalizing cling and I hard nope out of the situation.
Some of it was diverging politics, some of it was natural and healthy "cutting the cord." The one incident that sticks out to me, though, was the time I didn't answer the phone for 2 days and they called like 8 times in a row, then threatened to call the cops. Know what I was doing? Hanging out with friends and having sex with my lover. Doing my school work. Going to my job. Enjoying my adult life and freedoms.
I'm a parent now myself, albeit to a young child. I understand the feeling of needing to be in touch with your child. It's visceral. Like painful sometimes, especially to anxious lil me with my fragile delicacies and strong feelings.
But please. Let your kid come to you. If you have to do the weekly check-in for safety reasons or whatever, agree on an acceptable emoji or blanket statement that requires no emotional bandwith or social nieceties from your kid-- they're learning how to be a full person, it takes a lot of mental energy. They already know how to be your kid, and they always will! It's not about rude versus not rude. You have to reframe this.
But honestly if your kid is in on-campus housing, I think you need to let it go completely. Someone will call you if shit goes down.
posted by Temeraria at 1:54 PM on October 5, 2022 [12 favorites]
I started college with a normal, "eew/ugh my parents" teenager-parent dynamic. By the end I was 1 billion percent alienated from them... I did not approach them for help or support with anything personal for years afterwards. I still don't, to be honest. Any hint of infantalizing cling and I hard nope out of the situation.
Some of it was diverging politics, some of it was natural and healthy "cutting the cord." The one incident that sticks out to me, though, was the time I didn't answer the phone for 2 days and they called like 8 times in a row, then threatened to call the cops. Know what I was doing? Hanging out with friends and having sex with my lover. Doing my school work. Going to my job. Enjoying my adult life and freedoms.
I'm a parent now myself, albeit to a young child. I understand the feeling of needing to be in touch with your child. It's visceral. Like painful sometimes, especially to anxious lil me with my fragile delicacies and strong feelings.
But please. Let your kid come to you. If you have to do the weekly check-in for safety reasons or whatever, agree on an acceptable emoji or blanket statement that requires no emotional bandwith or social nieceties from your kid-- they're learning how to be a full person, it takes a lot of mental energy. They already know how to be your kid, and they always will! It's not about rude versus not rude. You have to reframe this.
But honestly if your kid is in on-campus housing, I think you need to let it go completely. Someone will call you if shit goes down.
posted by Temeraria at 1:54 PM on October 5, 2022 [12 favorites]
I think it must be so hard - I'm one year away from where you are. But it sounds like your child has a solid ability to reach out when they are upset, and to ask for support when they need it. So I think you can trust that when they are not reaching out, things are pretty good.
From having been that age, I think lack of communciation is kind of bog-standard.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:54 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
From having been that age, I think lack of communciation is kind of bog-standard.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:54 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
The feeling that it would be courteous of them to reply is understandable, but at the same time, is that the relationship you want with your child -- courtesy texts?
Your relationship is in this weird phase now where parental behavioural correction ("You are being rude when you don't text me." or worse "If you don't text me back, I will punish you.) is on the way out. But grown-up relationship boundaries aren't really on the way in, yet, either.
You can try telling your kid that it hurts your feelings when they don't text you back but the unspoken backstop to a lot of grown-up boundaries is "Or we can no longer be in this relationship." and lame texting habits is not a hill you want this relationship to die on, presumably. And just injecting feelings into the situation is likely to make texting feel more, rather than less, fraught for your kid.
So I am going to second some advice you got above. Send much lower pressure texts. Maybe a couple of times a week. Not questions unless they are questions with specific, practical ideally yes-no, answers. "How are you doing?" -- no. "Are you coming home this weekend to do laundry?" -- sure, fine. Instead, send memes or photos from your daily life or little updates. "Saw your 9th grade English teacher at the Piggly Wiggly today. Couldn't remember her name, but her hair is purple now. She says hi." -- great. If you hit on a type of texting that your kid does respond to, send more texts like that.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:56 PM on October 5, 2022 [8 favorites]
Your relationship is in this weird phase now where parental behavioural correction ("You are being rude when you don't text me." or worse "If you don't text me back, I will punish you.) is on the way out. But grown-up relationship boundaries aren't really on the way in, yet, either.
You can try telling your kid that it hurts your feelings when they don't text you back but the unspoken backstop to a lot of grown-up boundaries is "Or we can no longer be in this relationship." and lame texting habits is not a hill you want this relationship to die on, presumably. And just injecting feelings into the situation is likely to make texting feel more, rather than less, fraught for your kid.
So I am going to second some advice you got above. Send much lower pressure texts. Maybe a couple of times a week. Not questions unless they are questions with specific, practical ideally yes-no, answers. "How are you doing?" -- no. "Are you coming home this weekend to do laundry?" -- sure, fine. Instead, send memes or photos from your daily life or little updates. "Saw your 9th grade English teacher at the Piggly Wiggly today. Couldn't remember her name, but her hair is purple now. She says hi." -- great. If you hit on a type of texting that your kid does respond to, send more texts like that.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:56 PM on October 5, 2022 [8 favorites]
There are a lot of answers here about the kid being in a transitional phase, getting used to college, etc. I'm sure all of that is true. But I'm here to tell you that I graduated college many years ago, and I have what sounds like a very similar dynamic with my mom. And I think it really strains our relationship. We just have fundamentally different expectations about how quickly texts should be responded to, and which texts need a response at all.
I think part of it is that she's retired, and spends a lot of time texting back and forth with retired friends and relatives. So she's used to having this constant chatter of casual text threads going throughout the day. I, on the other hand, work full time and have a lot of other stuff going on, and I find it very distracting to text when I'm working or trying to shop for groceries or whatever. So there's always a good portion of the day when I am not really inclined to reply to a text unless it's a legitimate urgent issue.
Often it's just a "how are you doing?" or (even worse) not a question but a statement, like "I had lunch with Beth today." I'm not going to interrupt my work to answer those, and I'm definitely prone to completely forgetting about them until a day or more later. At which point it seems pointless to reply, or I don't really know what to say. And also I know that replying to these is going to get another response, which is expected to turn into a longer conversation, which I may not have the time or energy for.
Bottom line, I think people have both different situations and different styles of communication with this stuff. I don't mind any aspect of my mom's engagement via text except the guilt trip and pressure about not responding enough/fast enough/correctly. If she would just accept that sometimes I'm busy and might take a while to reply, sometimes I might forget to reply, sometimes I might not know what to say, etc. then we'd have a much better relationship. As it is, it makes me not want to engage with her, because I feel like no matter what I do or when I do it, it won't be enough.
I don't know you or your kid, but my advice is to think about how much you care about this, and decide if it's worth potential long-term relationship damage over differing communication expectations.
posted by primethyme at 1:58 PM on October 5, 2022 [7 favorites]
I think part of it is that she's retired, and spends a lot of time texting back and forth with retired friends and relatives. So she's used to having this constant chatter of casual text threads going throughout the day. I, on the other hand, work full time and have a lot of other stuff going on, and I find it very distracting to text when I'm working or trying to shop for groceries or whatever. So there's always a good portion of the day when I am not really inclined to reply to a text unless it's a legitimate urgent issue.
Often it's just a "how are you doing?" or (even worse) not a question but a statement, like "I had lunch with Beth today." I'm not going to interrupt my work to answer those, and I'm definitely prone to completely forgetting about them until a day or more later. At which point it seems pointless to reply, or I don't really know what to say. And also I know that replying to these is going to get another response, which is expected to turn into a longer conversation, which I may not have the time or energy for.
Bottom line, I think people have both different situations and different styles of communication with this stuff. I don't mind any aspect of my mom's engagement via text except the guilt trip and pressure about not responding enough/fast enough/correctly. If she would just accept that sometimes I'm busy and might take a while to reply, sometimes I might forget to reply, sometimes I might not know what to say, etc. then we'd have a much better relationship. As it is, it makes me not want to engage with her, because I feel like no matter what I do or when I do it, it won't be enough.
I don't know you or your kid, but my advice is to think about how much you care about this, and decide if it's worth potential long-term relationship damage over differing communication expectations.
posted by primethyme at 1:58 PM on October 5, 2022 [7 favorites]
Best answer: My kiddo just moved out as well and I struggle with this exact issue. I'm dealing with it in three ways:
1) We have a 'fun' group chat for the family on whatsapp. We post pics of the family pets and dumb stuff like today I texted the group that I tried caramel m&m's and I think they are gross. The kid will initiate on this thread, albeit tersely. For example they will say, "can someone post a pic of the dog?" But at least it's some commuication! I avoid asking questions about things that are charged like school and try to ask more about fun stuff "What happened on the trip to the beach?" or whatever. (Avoid yes/no questions to encourage narrative answers)
2) I do give some feedback for important stuff. Like when they were late to a rendezvous with us with no explanation even after we had texted that we were on our way, I verbally told them, "Hey it inconvenienced us that you didn't let us know you were running late. Next time can you please respond to the text and give an update?"
3) I try to set a baseline - for us we have in-person visits periodically, maybe you could set up like a weekly or monthly call or family zoom? Then I just let it go even though it's annoying to me. The kid should get a say in this frequency instead of having to just respond to your desire for texts.
SO I guess a combo of having low expectations, setting up a planned way to communicate periodically that the kid has say in, having a channel where I avoid anything charged or loaded, and then giving specific feedback about needed communication.
posted by latkes at 1:59 PM on October 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
1) We have a 'fun' group chat for the family on whatsapp. We post pics of the family pets and dumb stuff like today I texted the group that I tried caramel m&m's and I think they are gross. The kid will initiate on this thread, albeit tersely. For example they will say, "can someone post a pic of the dog?" But at least it's some commuication! I avoid asking questions about things that are charged like school and try to ask more about fun stuff "What happened on the trip to the beach?" or whatever. (Avoid yes/no questions to encourage narrative answers)
2) I do give some feedback for important stuff. Like when they were late to a rendezvous with us with no explanation even after we had texted that we were on our way, I verbally told them, "Hey it inconvenienced us that you didn't let us know you were running late. Next time can you please respond to the text and give an update?"
3) I try to set a baseline - for us we have in-person visits periodically, maybe you could set up like a weekly or monthly call or family zoom? Then I just let it go even though it's annoying to me. The kid should get a say in this frequency instead of having to just respond to your desire for texts.
SO I guess a combo of having low expectations, setting up a planned way to communicate periodically that the kid has say in, having a channel where I avoid anything charged or loaded, and then giving specific feedback about needed communication.
posted by latkes at 1:59 PM on October 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
Best answer: It's really the lack of responses that's bugging me.
The big difference between phone calls and texts (especially phone calls on landlines) is that phone calls take time, and sending a thumbs up in response to a text does not. I agree with everyone that your kid is being normal, but normal sucks sometimes. Especially here, where you know they saw it and you know it would take literally one second to respond. That's hurtful and stressful.
But teenagers are self-centered, and college is new and exciting. I agree with the suggestion to send low stakes, no pressure texts that don't require a response. You could also just ask the kid to send you a thumbs up so you know they're still out there. That might take the pressure off the kid feeling like texting is going to turn into a whole thing that takes time and has questions and expectations. I am an entire adult and sometimes I don't respond to something if I think a response will lead to a conversation or expectations of further engagement.
posted by Mavri at 2:05 PM on October 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
The big difference between phone calls and texts (especially phone calls on landlines) is that phone calls take time, and sending a thumbs up in response to a text does not. I agree with everyone that your kid is being normal, but normal sucks sometimes. Especially here, where you know they saw it and you know it would take literally one second to respond. That's hurtful and stressful.
But teenagers are self-centered, and college is new and exciting. I agree with the suggestion to send low stakes, no pressure texts that don't require a response. You could also just ask the kid to send you a thumbs up so you know they're still out there. That might take the pressure off the kid feeling like texting is going to turn into a whole thing that takes time and has questions and expectations. I am an entire adult and sometimes I don't respond to something if I think a response will lead to a conversation or expectations of further engagement.
posted by Mavri at 2:05 PM on October 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I am super close with my parents and we have a great adult relationship, and had a great teenager relationship.
When I was in college, I went out and got a couple facial piercings, one of the few things I knew that my mother would HATE and consider over a line.
I didn't have conscious negative feelings towards my mother, who has always been lovely to me, but I just wanted to fly free, do things that were not what she would have wanted me to do. There's a good chance your kid has no reason not to text you back, and should, and could, but just doesn't because... it's interesting to get to be a person who your parents don't have control over anymore, even if they weren't strict and didn't really exercise their control before. They can tell you their preferences and you can just.. ignore them. They can have expectations that you fail to meet and the result is.. nothing. It's wild. It's the first time you're on equal footing with your parents, and it's intoxicating.
And yeah, it's pretty frikkin rude! I feel sorta bad about it in retrospect - I didn't even warn her, I just showed up to christmas with rings in my face! But I talk to my mom every day again now, even though I still have a nose ring. ;)
posted by euphoria066 at 2:22 PM on October 5, 2022 [9 favorites]
When I was in college, I went out and got a couple facial piercings, one of the few things I knew that my mother would HATE and consider over a line.
I didn't have conscious negative feelings towards my mother, who has always been lovely to me, but I just wanted to fly free, do things that were not what she would have wanted me to do. There's a good chance your kid has no reason not to text you back, and should, and could, but just doesn't because... it's interesting to get to be a person who your parents don't have control over anymore, even if they weren't strict and didn't really exercise their control before. They can tell you their preferences and you can just.. ignore them. They can have expectations that you fail to meet and the result is.. nothing. It's wild. It's the first time you're on equal footing with your parents, and it's intoxicating.
And yeah, it's pretty frikkin rude! I feel sorta bad about it in retrospect - I didn't even warn her, I just showed up to christmas with rings in my face! But I talk to my mom every day again now, even though I still have a nose ring. ;)
posted by euphoria066 at 2:22 PM on October 5, 2022 [9 favorites]
The good news is that if they were stressed and miserable, you'd probably be hearing from them a lot. When I was about that age, I had two different out of country trips two years in a row. I called home a lot during the first one and never during the second. My mom said, "I knew you were having a good time when you didn't call home that often."
This is when your kiddo is differentiating and moving into adulthood. Until recently, you all lived together and saw each other regularly. But now you might find you are better served by transitioning yourself to setting a stage for the relationship you will have with your child as an adult. Yes, they still need you. But they also need you to stay back until they need you.
Also, this:
I am realizing I put a lot of weight in the relationships in my life on the courtesy of replying to people when they reach out, saying thanks or 'thumbs up' etc. There are no personal relationships I seek to maintain with this kind of a communication imbalance.
I want to suggest you reframe your expectations for your kiddo. They might be a very different person with friends than they are with you, and that's okay! You don't really get to have expectations like this in your relationship with them because it's not the same as other relationships. I fear you'll push them away if you expect this and communicate that it's a problem if you don't get it.
Once our kids are adults, every bit of time they spend with us, every call, every text -- it's a gift. Treat it as a gift without any expectations.
You are writing about your kid in a pretty self-centered way. They don't ask about you or give you updates when they text. Well, give them space, and I bet they'll come back around. Badger them, and you're pushing them away.
There are a lot of resources about the transition to parenting adult children. I found this one in Psychology Today, and here's a good snippet:
Adjusting to REVERSAL can be challenging as well. When our children are young, our task is to get them to fit into our lives, to learn what we think is important, and to fulfil our agenda for what needs to happen. When they become adults, however, to a significant degree our roles reverse. Now our task as parents is to fit more into their lives, to understand what they believe is important in their lives, and to respect their agenda for what needs to happen in their lives....
Finally, there is DEMOTION for parents to get used to. When your adult child becomes established in the world, preoccupation with managing this separate life can take precedence over involvement in the lives of parents.
If you are struggling with this, I'd chat with other parents of college students about the transition for them. And, if you continue to feel hurt, I'd suggest therapy. It's time to let go of expectations about how frequently you hear from your child and start trying to figure out what they want from you right now. Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:26 PM on October 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
This is when your kiddo is differentiating and moving into adulthood. Until recently, you all lived together and saw each other regularly. But now you might find you are better served by transitioning yourself to setting a stage for the relationship you will have with your child as an adult. Yes, they still need you. But they also need you to stay back until they need you.
Also, this:
I am realizing I put a lot of weight in the relationships in my life on the courtesy of replying to people when they reach out, saying thanks or 'thumbs up' etc. There are no personal relationships I seek to maintain with this kind of a communication imbalance.
I want to suggest you reframe your expectations for your kiddo. They might be a very different person with friends than they are with you, and that's okay! You don't really get to have expectations like this in your relationship with them because it's not the same as other relationships. I fear you'll push them away if you expect this and communicate that it's a problem if you don't get it.
Once our kids are adults, every bit of time they spend with us, every call, every text -- it's a gift. Treat it as a gift without any expectations.
You are writing about your kid in a pretty self-centered way. They don't ask about you or give you updates when they text. Well, give them space, and I bet they'll come back around. Badger them, and you're pushing them away.
There are a lot of resources about the transition to parenting adult children. I found this one in Psychology Today, and here's a good snippet:
Adjusting to REVERSAL can be challenging as well. When our children are young, our task is to get them to fit into our lives, to learn what we think is important, and to fulfil our agenda for what needs to happen. When they become adults, however, to a significant degree our roles reverse. Now our task as parents is to fit more into their lives, to understand what they believe is important in their lives, and to respect their agenda for what needs to happen in their lives....
Finally, there is DEMOTION for parents to get used to. When your adult child becomes established in the world, preoccupation with managing this separate life can take precedence over involvement in the lives of parents.
If you are struggling with this, I'd chat with other parents of college students about the transition for them. And, if you continue to feel hurt, I'd suggest therapy. It's time to let go of expectations about how frequently you hear from your child and start trying to figure out what they want from you right now. Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:26 PM on October 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
Also nthing that time feels different to a college student in a brand new environment compared to a parent whose home now feels empty. Your kiddo may have been stressed out about a midterm, so was focusing on preparing for that, but then after midterm was over didn't want to revisit an unpleasant obstacle where there isn't much to say (from the student perspective). It does sound to me that your kiddo by all reports seems to be happy, living in the moment, and adjusting well to college life. Instead of asking about stressful things (exams) try saying things "pic @ farmer's market today. any plans for the weekend?"
Do consider that it's possible that your kiddo might be feeling resentful about this expectation of 'constant communication.' After all, generations of college students 'survived' without cell phones and text messages. And while you might have leverage to force the issue, that outcome isn't probably what either of you want. And this is not to invalidate your feelings!
I will gently suggest that you keep any communication you have with your kiddo low pressure and fully supportive (no matter how you are actually feeling). Otherwise your kiddo may be hesitant to reach out to you when your help/support is truly needed. In other words, if your kiddo is worried about having to manage your feelings and/or reactions you are much less likely to find out about issues until things get really bad.
posted by oceano at 2:37 PM on October 5, 2022 [4 favorites]
Do consider that it's possible that your kiddo might be feeling resentful about this expectation of 'constant communication.' After all, generations of college students 'survived' without cell phones and text messages. And while you might have leverage to force the issue, that outcome isn't probably what either of you want. And this is not to invalidate your feelings!
I will gently suggest that you keep any communication you have with your kiddo low pressure and fully supportive (no matter how you are actually feeling). Otherwise your kiddo may be hesitant to reach out to you when your help/support is truly needed. In other words, if your kiddo is worried about having to manage your feelings and/or reactions you are much less likely to find out about issues until things get really bad.
posted by oceano at 2:37 PM on October 5, 2022 [4 favorites]
Yeah, three texts in a week about the midterms feels like a lot of pressure to me. I wouldn't even ask a friend how an exam went. I wouldn't want them to have to tell me it didn't go well.
"Thinking of you!" texts work better but even that feels a little heavy.
Teens can be like cats sometimes. Sit back and drink your coffee and let them come to you.
posted by M. at 2:47 PM on October 5, 2022 [7 favorites]
"Thinking of you!" texts work better but even that feels a little heavy.
Teens can be like cats sometimes. Sit back and drink your coffee and let them come to you.
posted by M. at 2:47 PM on October 5, 2022 [7 favorites]
This is so tough - been there! Your kid is telling you they want space. It's nothing personal, it's how it is supposed to be. They'll swing back around to be closer with you later in life, but right now this is developmentally appropriate - they're differentiating. You're not their friend, and they don't need to be parented so much.
Let your kid initiate contact. Days go by? Don't text. A week goes by? Try to not text. They know you're there. Stop the chase. Let them miss you a little bit.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 2:54 PM on October 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
Let your kid initiate contact. Days go by? Don't text. A week goes by? Try to not text. They know you're there. Stop the chase. Let them miss you a little bit.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 2:54 PM on October 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
One of the things about the first few weeks of college, at least for me, was the full-body immersion of the thing. Your brain is so full of it all. Everything's happening all the time. Along with all that, you're finding out what it's like to be free from substantial adult supervision, and switching over to "texting Parent mode" can feel impossible. It's a weird and intense headspace to be in. Sometimes it can feel like, if you let Parent into this New Life too much, you'll lose this new-found independent self-identity that you're frantically trying to hold together.
And that probably makes you a bit weird and rude. But... that's just sort of the deal.
posted by BungaDunga at 3:06 PM on October 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
And that probably makes you a bit weird and rude. But... that's just sort of the deal.
posted by BungaDunga at 3:06 PM on October 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
I guarantee you that from their point of view, you’re smothering them. Yes, this is hard for you, but every child leaves the nest. They’re an adult now, living on their own. They don’t want to be checking in with mommy or daddy every day, any more than any adult does.
I’m
posted by MexicanYenta at 3:30 PM on October 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I’m
posted by MexicanYenta at 3:30 PM on October 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
For some perspective, I think my mom texted or called me about three times a semester in college. She was on the neglectful end, yes, but I still barely found time to respond to her. Three times a week would have exponentially increased my stress as a college student.
posted by brook horse at 4:55 PM on October 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by brook horse at 4:55 PM on October 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
It sounds like what your kid is communicating with you, through a lack of response, is that this is more communication from home than they need or want right now. Even if they were anxious and thought they'd need more contact it seems like right now they don't. Which is great, if difficult, news. Maybe the test went poorly and they don't want to talk about it, maybe it went great and they're on to new things - either way, three texts about it seems like a lot!
Take their cue and dial it back to maybe a weekly text, which at least sometimes could just be a "this happened and made me think of you" with no specific question to respond to. See how that goes. That might be too little - or still way too much -- texting but try it and gauge how it goes.
posted by Stacey at 5:12 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Take their cue and dial it back to maybe a weekly text, which at least sometimes could just be a "this happened and made me think of you" with no specific question to respond to. See how that goes. That might be too little - or still way too much -- texting but try it and gauge how it goes.
posted by Stacey at 5:12 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: My kid is a freshman in college. We've found it best to send each other silly pics or memes. It's a no pressure way to stay in contact for them, and I get proof of life responses (usually a haha or thumbs up emoji).
posted by heathrowga at 5:15 PM on October 5, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by heathrowga at 5:15 PM on October 5, 2022 [6 favorites]
You mention "lack of decent response" as the thing you find rude; curious what you would consider a decent response? If someone asked me about a midterm, either in-person or text, I would definitely deflect because I hate exams and don't want to mentally rehash everything I got wrong.
Speaking as a former anxious first-year who was desperately homesick in the pre-cell phone era, I don't think 3 texts in a week is necessarily smothering (harsh!) but maybe keep it lighter in tone. Or ask your kid -- in-person, not via text -- what's a better way to keep in touch with them? Personally I loved it when my mom sent me chatty letters in the mail, rather than email. So much fun to get an actual letter in my little box in the student union! Although tbh I am not sure that I ever wrote back. Oops.
posted by basalganglia at 5:15 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Speaking as a former anxious first-year who was desperately homesick in the pre-cell phone era, I don't think 3 texts in a week is necessarily smothering (harsh!) but maybe keep it lighter in tone. Or ask your kid -- in-person, not via text -- what's a better way to keep in touch with them? Personally I loved it when my mom sent me chatty letters in the mail, rather than email. So much fun to get an actual letter in my little box in the student union! Although tbh I am not sure that I ever wrote back. Oops.
posted by basalganglia at 5:15 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
I would really stay away from texting about academics. That's way more stressful and fraught and may very well feel like to your daughter that you're checking up on her. I'm sure that wasn't your intention, but that's likely how it came across to her.
Also, yeah, I would dial back the texting a bit. Focus on keeping it light. Funny cat video. Someone who you ran into in the grocery store, whatever.
I've been out of college for over a decade, but I still have to fight with my mother to set these boundaries. She also considers it rude if I don't respond to Every. Single. Text. she sends my way, even if she sends a lot of them, even though I'm in grad school and working and super busy and stressed out.
I've finally gotten her to ease up by being very forceful about this boundary. I'm sorry, but I don't think someone is obligated to respond every time another person reaches out. If it's about something super important, then sure, but not everything warrants a response. Some things aren't good for texting about either.
It sounds like your kid will come to you if she's having problems. The fact that she's been distant is a good sign - she's settled in, she's enjoying being a normal college student. If you push back on her "rudeness" you risk alienating her and making her dread every contact from home. Leave the door open, keep things light, but don't put expectations on her or pressure her. This is a transition for both of you, but if you give her the space she needs now, your relationship will be better for it.
(I don't have kids, but if someone had given that advice to my mother 15 years ago and she had actually listened to it, we would have a much better relationship now. Instead, I send her a picture of my cat once a week, and sometimes I respond when she texts, and I don't share anything about my life. Of course, in my case, there are A LOT of reasons for that distance, not jsut the fact that she threatened to call the cops on me for not responding to one of the many inane texts she sent me while I was slammed at work)
posted by litera scripta manet at 5:30 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Also, yeah, I would dial back the texting a bit. Focus on keeping it light. Funny cat video. Someone who you ran into in the grocery store, whatever.
I've been out of college for over a decade, but I still have to fight with my mother to set these boundaries. She also considers it rude if I don't respond to Every. Single. Text. she sends my way, even if she sends a lot of them, even though I'm in grad school and working and super busy and stressed out.
I've finally gotten her to ease up by being very forceful about this boundary. I'm sorry, but I don't think someone is obligated to respond every time another person reaches out. If it's about something super important, then sure, but not everything warrants a response. Some things aren't good for texting about either.
It sounds like your kid will come to you if she's having problems. The fact that she's been distant is a good sign - she's settled in, she's enjoying being a normal college student. If you push back on her "rudeness" you risk alienating her and making her dread every contact from home. Leave the door open, keep things light, but don't put expectations on her or pressure her. This is a transition for both of you, but if you give her the space she needs now, your relationship will be better for it.
(I don't have kids, but if someone had given that advice to my mother 15 years ago and she had actually listened to it, we would have a much better relationship now. Instead, I send her a picture of my cat once a week, and sometimes I respond when she texts, and I don't share anything about my life. Of course, in my case, there are A LOT of reasons for that distance, not jsut the fact that she threatened to call the cops on me for not responding to one of the many inane texts she sent me while I was slammed at work)
posted by litera scripta manet at 5:30 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Is the issue really that you think it’s rude, or that you miss her and you’re worried?
I don’t think it’s ever rude to text less than someone else prefers, college kid/parent dynamic or not. I actually think it’s more on the rude side to send multiple follow ups before the recipient has a chance to reply. I’m a middle aged woman but when my mom stacks messages like this, especially questions and heavier topics, it becomes almost impossible to respond at all.
I agree backing off and keeping it light will be effective. I also predict the lack of contact is a good sign—you want her to be busy with class and friends and parties and activities and romance and sleep.
As for what I think may be behind this question —worry and missing her—is she coming home for Thanksgiving? Make sure to have some relaxed one on one time with her then!
posted by kapers at 5:51 PM on October 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I don’t think it’s ever rude to text less than someone else prefers, college kid/parent dynamic or not. I actually think it’s more on the rude side to send multiple follow ups before the recipient has a chance to reply. I’m a middle aged woman but when my mom stacks messages like this, especially questions and heavier topics, it becomes almost impossible to respond at all.
I agree backing off and keeping it light will be effective. I also predict the lack of contact is a good sign—you want her to be busy with class and friends and parties and activities and romance and sleep.
As for what I think may be behind this question —worry and missing her—is she coming home for Thanksgiving? Make sure to have some relaxed one on one time with her then!
posted by kapers at 5:51 PM on October 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Ugh sorry my mom texts like this and it drives me insane, it reeks of suffocating neediness. Like it makes me NOT want to share any details because it will become a thing that she will then follow up on so she feels like she’s involved with my life. She mistakes factual knowledge for intimacy. She wants to fix things and feel good that she remembered something I told her, I can practically hear her patting herself on the back through the phone. And taking it all personal if I don’t engage. It’s all about her. So yes I ignore her liberally because fuck I have enough going on without having to manage her emotions.
Time to change tactics. Tell them about you and what’s going on. You won’t buhleeve what just happened! Text a “sup yo” and expect nothing in reply. Send stupid gifs. Keep it super light and then go about your day. Do you have any in-jokes? Use those too. Sorry to be so blunt.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:57 PM on October 5, 2022 [16 favorites]
Time to change tactics. Tell them about you and what’s going on. You won’t buhleeve what just happened! Text a “sup yo” and expect nothing in reply. Send stupid gifs. Keep it super light and then go about your day. Do you have any in-jokes? Use those too. Sorry to be so blunt.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:57 PM on October 5, 2022 [16 favorites]
Best answer: Instead of asking for things from them (asking questions that they need to answer which may feel like pressure to have a good reply or minimize a problem), maybe try sending texts that just give them something with zero request embedded.
Hi kiddo, I love you!
I was thinking about the time you did xyz when you were 2 and how determined you were even as a little kid. Thinking of you always makes me smile.
I dreamed about you last night; you were walking on a tightrope. You were surprisingly good at tightrope!
The neighbours got a dog, look how cute! / The neighbours are assholes! Do you think they’d suspect me if I egged their car?
I just sent you $50, get yourself a treat! <3
Etc. Sweet, short, pleasant, designed to elicit a smile, no reply required. Texts that just feel like a supportive hug.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:57 PM on October 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
Hi kiddo, I love you!
I was thinking about the time you did xyz when you were 2 and how determined you were even as a little kid. Thinking of you always makes me smile.
I dreamed about you last night; you were walking on a tightrope. You were surprisingly good at tightrope!
The neighbours got a dog, look how cute! / The neighbours are assholes! Do you think they’d suspect me if I egged their car?
I just sent you $50, get yourself a treat! <3
Etc. Sweet, short, pleasant, designed to elicit a smile, no reply required. Texts that just feel like a supportive hug.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:57 PM on October 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
Yeah, I became adult at sixteen. I went all the way across the country to a summer program at a university that lasted the full summer. Classes, friends, cooking, laundry, all of that freshman year of university stuff. So happy that there weren't cellphones or even phones in the room for parents to every other day multiple times a week need me for their well-being.
Kiddo doesn't need to talk or text you every other day. Keep it to important like on a "really need to know" basis. Unless they live close by and come home on weekends to do laundry or something.... There comes a time in every young one's life that is to learn and become independent. Give them a few years. They have to eventually leave the nest.
posted by zengargoyle at 6:00 PM on October 5, 2022
Kiddo doesn't need to talk or text you every other day. Keep it to important like on a "really need to know" basis. Unless they live close by and come home on weekends to do laundry or something.... There comes a time in every young one's life that is to learn and become independent. Give them a few years. They have to eventually leave the nest.
posted by zengargoyle at 6:00 PM on October 5, 2022
Christ, just stop smothering them already. Three texts without taking a hint is too much. Writing every week is too much for many many adults who have recently moved out if their parents' home. The last thing they need is the emotional labour of being in constant contact with a parent.
I would also suggest avoiding sending texts saying things like "missing you", "remember that time" etc. These may seem zero effort but they do take energy to process and deal with and for a lot of kids (even anxious ones), they will be irritating and provoke distance.
posted by turkeyphant at 6:30 PM on October 5, 2022 [11 favorites]
I would also suggest avoiding sending texts saying things like "missing you", "remember that time" etc. These may seem zero effort but they do take energy to process and deal with and for a lot of kids (even anxious ones), they will be irritating and provoke distance.
posted by turkeyphant at 6:30 PM on October 5, 2022 [11 favorites]
To other answerers: OP was very careful to use gender-neutral pronouns for kiddo. Don't make assumptions.
To OP: I realize that things have changed a lot since I was in college, where I had one incoming phone for the ten rooms on my hall, and two outgoing pay phones for the 50 rooms in my residence hall. I probably went 3-4 weeks between calls to each parent, unless I needed money or had made an emergency charge on my dad's credit card.
Still, I agree with the answers that suggest that you're reaching out too often, and about subjects that your kiddo may not want to discuss. And I agree with those who note that your senses of time may be out of sync. You've just sent your eldest off to college, and you're noticing their absence. They, meanwhile, are learning to navigate a new environment, with new expectations, social connections, and stresses. Time is probably passing incredibly fast for them. My first weeks at college were a whirlwind, especially after I overcame social anxiety and started to make connections.
I also agree with those who suggest communicating about what's happening back home, not inquiring too much about how things are going with them.
For what it's worth, I think some of the most profound exchanges I had with my parents, especially my father, were during a year I spent as an exchange student in the UK, when international callling was prohibitively expensive. Instead of calling, I wrote aerogrammes. I found those I sent to my dad when cleaning out his house after he died, and I was surprised to be reminded about how open I was in those communications. Sometimes enforced distance can lead to introspection and openness. But I wonder how much that will happen in today's world, in which it's possible to send texts halfway around the world.
posted by brianogilvie at 6:45 PM on October 5, 2022 [4 favorites]
To OP: I realize that things have changed a lot since I was in college, where I had one incoming phone for the ten rooms on my hall, and two outgoing pay phones for the 50 rooms in my residence hall. I probably went 3-4 weeks between calls to each parent, unless I needed money or had made an emergency charge on my dad's credit card.
Still, I agree with the answers that suggest that you're reaching out too often, and about subjects that your kiddo may not want to discuss. And I agree with those who note that your senses of time may be out of sync. You've just sent your eldest off to college, and you're noticing their absence. They, meanwhile, are learning to navigate a new environment, with new expectations, social connections, and stresses. Time is probably passing incredibly fast for them. My first weeks at college were a whirlwind, especially after I overcame social anxiety and started to make connections.
I also agree with those who suggest communicating about what's happening back home, not inquiring too much about how things are going with them.
For what it's worth, I think some of the most profound exchanges I had with my parents, especially my father, were during a year I spent as an exchange student in the UK, when international callling was prohibitively expensive. Instead of calling, I wrote aerogrammes. I found those I sent to my dad when cleaning out his house after he died, and I was surprised to be reminded about how open I was in those communications. Sometimes enforced distance can lead to introspection and openness. But I wonder how much that will happen in today's world, in which it's possible to send texts halfway around the world.
posted by brianogilvie at 6:45 PM on October 5, 2022 [4 favorites]
I sometimes get my feelings hurt when my kids don’t respond to my texts. I used to think it was rude, but I don’t think that anymore.
Rather than being rude I feel like they are drawing a reasonable boundary. My suggestion, FWIW, is to try to reframe the situation as normal kid doing normal kid things rather than a character defect or personal attack.
Also with 2 in college I’m pretty confident in saying that if they want to talk about a test they will initiate the conversation.
posted by lumpy at 7:00 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Rather than being rude I feel like they are drawing a reasonable boundary. My suggestion, FWIW, is to try to reframe the situation as normal kid doing normal kid things rather than a character defect or personal attack.
Also with 2 in college I’m pretty confident in saying that if they want to talk about a test they will initiate the conversation.
posted by lumpy at 7:00 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
One thing to bear in mind is that if you send so many texts that your son/daughter feels overwhelmed, they may just start deleting some or all of your text messages without reading them.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 7:24 PM on October 5, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 7:24 PM on October 5, 2022 [4 favorites]
I have a thirteen year old in a shared custody situation. I don't text like this or that much, as a general rule. We send memes, or things we find interesting, or my kid will reach out and vent to me. I don't start conversations about difficult things via text with them, and don't expect a reply to good luck or messages like that. I also don't get passive aggressive or Pollyanna positive at them, just...hey, how's things, you doing okay, this package arrived, the cat is a dork, look this meme is you. They contact most of the family in similar ways. Long texts back and forth are for friends, and that's okay.
Part of it is family values - we go through periods of higher or lower contact but rarely engage in structured or expected contact, or remonstration for disrupted expectations. We also leave most difficult conversations for in person. Which includes "how's work" etc.
posted by geek anachronism at 8:55 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Part of it is family values - we go through periods of higher or lower contact but rarely engage in structured or expected contact, or remonstration for disrupted expectations. We also leave most difficult conversations for in person. Which includes "how's work" etc.
posted by geek anachronism at 8:55 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Hey everyone. Thanks again for taking the time to share your thoughts. I’m am continuing to digest your answers.
As info, I wish I had initially shared other more mundane examples of parental texts, say a photo of the dog looking cute, not acknowledged. There is a similar experience felt by almost all contact from family, such as a care package from their Grandparents, all texts from their younger brother, a gift from their aunt etc not acknowledged. I think part of what I’m dealing with is trying to answer to these other folks, who reached out once or twice since kiddo left and have had no response . But, Kiddo can manage their relationships, of course.
I just miss them, and I’m both sad and anxious. I will get to see them at Christmas, which isn’t so far away.
Thank you again
posted by walkinginsunshine at 11:55 PM on October 5, 2022 [8 favorites]
As info, I wish I had initially shared other more mundane examples of parental texts, say a photo of the dog looking cute, not acknowledged. There is a similar experience felt by almost all contact from family, such as a care package from their Grandparents, all texts from their younger brother, a gift from their aunt etc not acknowledged. I think part of what I’m dealing with is trying to answer to these other folks, who reached out once or twice since kiddo left and have had no response . But, Kiddo can manage their relationships, of course.
I just miss them, and I’m both sad and anxious. I will get to see them at Christmas, which isn’t so far away.
Thank you again
posted by walkinginsunshine at 11:55 PM on October 5, 2022 [8 favorites]
I was an anxious kid whose anxiety was made WAY worse by trying to balance the demands of family and learning how to be an adult. If it’s you and everyone in your family piling on, I think it’s reasonable to ask everyone to dial it back and give some breathing room. That is just so much pressure when you are trying to actively make a new life for yourself. You can just tell the rest of the family that Young Adult is doing well and adjusting and doesn’t have a ton of time between everything with new college life. You don’t even need to hear them say this, because it is true.
I could also really feel the anxiety and sadness and loss my mom felt when I wanted to be an independent person. She felt like she was being careful not to dump that on me, but it was ever present and felt like an enormous amount of stress that I just didn’t have space for. The more frantic she got about me being rude, the less I engaged with her. Our relationship had never recovered because she has never been able to recognize and accept that I have a say in how much of my life I want to share and how. Convenient with her always felt like homework and having to do a lot of work answering questions endlessly and it was never enough. Any detail about my life just led to MORE questions, so I shared less and less.
I could tell every time she was sharing with me a picture or a memory because she *wanted something from me* and not out of a genuine place. It made me dread hearing from her. And this was in the era before cell phones, so I had genuine panic attacks when the phone would ring for a long time after college because of how intensely anxiety producing these conversations were.
Your kid is not a kid anymore. They are a young adult who needs - developmentally needs - space to form new relationships and experiences that you are not a part of. You will hear from them when you hear from them. And if you give them grief about it, you will hear from them *even less often.*
I strongly suggest that you allow yourself to grieve. Because this part of your relationship with your now adult child is over. You need to genuinely let it go so you can have an inquisitive nature about getting to meet the adult they are now. That will be in flux for a long time. It’s not self centered in an inappropriate or rude way. It’s entirely appropriate for you not to be included right now. Please grieve that so you can move on with your child in a healthy way. Don’t shove down your feelings, feel them and let them move through you.
posted by Bottlecap at 12:49 AM on October 6, 2022 [8 favorites]
I could also really feel the anxiety and sadness and loss my mom felt when I wanted to be an independent person. She felt like she was being careful not to dump that on me, but it was ever present and felt like an enormous amount of stress that I just didn’t have space for. The more frantic she got about me being rude, the less I engaged with her. Our relationship had never recovered because she has never been able to recognize and accept that I have a say in how much of my life I want to share and how. Convenient with her always felt like homework and having to do a lot of work answering questions endlessly and it was never enough. Any detail about my life just led to MORE questions, so I shared less and less.
I could tell every time she was sharing with me a picture or a memory because she *wanted something from me* and not out of a genuine place. It made me dread hearing from her. And this was in the era before cell phones, so I had genuine panic attacks when the phone would ring for a long time after college because of how intensely anxiety producing these conversations were.
Your kid is not a kid anymore. They are a young adult who needs - developmentally needs - space to form new relationships and experiences that you are not a part of. You will hear from them when you hear from them. And if you give them grief about it, you will hear from them *even less often.*
I strongly suggest that you allow yourself to grieve. Because this part of your relationship with your now adult child is over. You need to genuinely let it go so you can have an inquisitive nature about getting to meet the adult they are now. That will be in flux for a long time. It’s not self centered in an inappropriate or rude way. It’s entirely appropriate for you not to be included right now. Please grieve that so you can move on with your child in a healthy way. Don’t shove down your feelings, feel them and let them move through you.
posted by Bottlecap at 12:49 AM on October 6, 2022 [8 favorites]
I just want to highlight that you asked this question about a “kiddo” - a term that’s incredibly infantilizing for someone now living on their own starting their adult life. You need to change your thinking at a root level.
posted by Bottlecap at 12:51 AM on October 6, 2022 [15 favorites]
posted by Bottlecap at 12:51 AM on October 6, 2022 [15 favorites]
I've always found the best way to handle things in a relationship is to communicate openly, so I went the direct route with my adult children. 'I want to keep in touch but I want to be sure I'm giving you enough space, what might that look like for you?' and 'ok, let's try that, but if things change for you and I'm becoming annoying just let me know and I'll make adjustments.'
posted by ruetheday at 5:13 AM on October 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by ruetheday at 5:13 AM on October 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
I had this problem and would like to share that I also found the sharing memes response to be the best answer. They can laugh react the memes, but they don’t have to share about their life if they don’t want to - and if things aren’t going hot, they don’t generally want to. Not even if things are bad, just if things aren’t good. It doesn’t matter how much they checked in during high school - this is a new thing with new rules.
posted by corb at 5:20 AM on October 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by corb at 5:20 AM on October 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
('Kiddo' may be infantalizing to some but not to all. It's fine and usefully ungendered in my family)
posted by latkes at 5:48 AM on October 6, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by latkes at 5:48 AM on October 6, 2022 [10 favorites]
Just another anecdata point from the time before cell phones: I'm someone who was close to my parents and a bit anxious about going to college and... somehow I didn't call them once my first semester. My mom eventually called me to let me know she was coming for the fall parents' weekend (like 2 months since we'd last spoken!). I just somehow became a kid who was a bit "out of sight, out of mind" in terms of remembering to check in with my parents. (Now I am old and I call my mom almost daily, so you college kid may well outgrow their current phase!).
I can imagine that in the age of texts, they are also getting a ton of texts from their new friends, group chats for class projects, club activities, etc. It can be easier than you think for them to forget to respond to you and then have you sort of fall off their messaging radar.
I agree with everyone else that you need to work on managing your own loneliness/anxiety and send your kid fun texts with zero expectation of a response. They'll send stuff eventually.
posted by TwoStride at 5:59 AM on October 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
I can imagine that in the age of texts, they are also getting a ton of texts from their new friends, group chats for class projects, club activities, etc. It can be easier than you think for them to forget to respond to you and then have you sort of fall off their messaging radar.
I agree with everyone else that you need to work on managing your own loneliness/anxiety and send your kid fun texts with zero expectation of a response. They'll send stuff eventually.
posted by TwoStride at 5:59 AM on October 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
Kindly, and with respect, you need to back way off and you also need to manage the other family members' expectations as well. I understand that you are concerned given your kid's pre-college anxiety, but honestly, the fact that they aren't texting you seems like a sign that they are doing ok! They are busy and figuring out how to adult and making friends! If they were responding or reaching out to you constantly with distress, then you would be entitled to worry. But non-responses mean that they are doing ok.
Non-responses also do not mean that they don't love you.
When I started college, it was super overwhelming. I too was far away from home (not for the first time, I had done sleepaway camp and summer theater intensives during the summers), I was trying to figure out how to balance my free time between homework (which there was a LOT more of than in high school), eating before the dining halls closed, meeting new people and figuring out who were MY people, figuring out the best time to do laundry (in a dorm, this can be hard, sometimes the only time there were free machines was at 2am!), the demands and schedule of a campus job, and any activities or clubs that I wanted to participate in. Oh, and the gym! And finding ways to stay in touch with my close high school friends who were at different schools and often different time zones! Also, my dad was located 3 hours behind me time zone-wise It's a lot. I didn't have the bandwidth to keep up regular correspondence or ask how anyone at home was doing. I was trying not to fail. Honestly, my adult life now, at age 37, is less hectic than my college life was.
I was in college before smartphones existed but cell phones were very much a thing. My dad wasn't a great texter, but he did call constantly, and sometimes a question like "what have you been up to?" doesn't yield much of a conversation starter. "I woke up, went to class, had to go to the registrar because I want to drop a class and join another, watched a movie with some kids down the hall." The end. His calls became smother-y fast; I was a film major and had required evening film screenings once or twice a week, which meant I had to eat dinner early (or late) or grab food to go, because they took attendance at screenings and missing one counted as a class absence. He had a knack for calling me RIGHT at dinner time assuming I was free and would get very upset and hurt when I said I didn't have time to talk because I was running to get to a screening (and the film department was wayyyy across campus from my dorm). This was stressful and would often just sour the whole evening for me.
I never told him about midterms or papers except to say "hey I'm busy this week studying/writing a term paper" because I knew he'd harass me about my progress. I am pretty sure that at this point your kid is never going to share any specific class -related information with you. 3 texts about a midterm is too much.
I also had other family members trying to reach me, sending care packages and calling to check in, and it was too much. Way too much. To pick up a package I would again have to walk across campus to the post office to pick it up, and if it was a big box, lug it back to my room. Two of my aunts tried to start a DAILY email conversation with me and my dad and made passive aggressive digs when I didn't reply faithfully every day. I didn't have much to say!!! It was overwhelming and I would have been so grateful if my dad had told them to back off and give me some space, but it took him nearly two whole years to learn that lesson himself.
The only time I called him regularly, in four years, was when junior year I was in a shit-awful class with a professor who was phoning it in, and it was a class I had been excited about and didn't realize what a waste of time it was until after the drop period ended; my dad used to be a college professor and I'd call him to vent. I also called him a lot my senior year when I was writing my senior thesis because my advisor basically abandoned me - she was up for tenure and was busy with that process and stopped replying to my emails and standing me up at scheduled meetings. I'd call to vent and also to talk through my thesis, and even sent him drafts to read, asking him to put his college professor hat back on and give me advice. And he gave me excellent feedback. I got an A. I have a difficult relationship with my dad but to this day I joke that he was actually my thesis advisor in college.
I'm telling you the above to say that when your kid needs you, they will respond. They will reach out. They are NOT abandoning you or neglecting you. This is a part of the individuation process of growing up, they pull away and then come back and pull away and come back.
I understand that your feelings are hurt but I promise you two things:
1) they are not trying to hurt you intentionally
2) if you keep doing what you're doing now, you will drive them away and they'll start deleting your texts without reading. I deleted a lot of my dad's voicemails my first two years in school.
This is an important time in a kid/adult's development and they need space to work it out. I like the idea of meme sharing, or if you have pets who do funny things sending silly videos or photos. You'll get a laugh response. You may get a meme back. Or they may even think "hey, I haven't talked to Parent in a while, let me call and check in, or have a longer text chat." That would be cool, right? But you have to keep the meme/video/photo sending communication avenue just at that, with no ulterior agenda of a longer conversation. Don't send a photo with a caption that says "The dog misses you and I do too!" - guilt trip. Don't send a meme and comment afterwards "remember how you used to do this when you were a kid?" - manipulative attempt at more conversation. Keep it light. Keep it fun. They'll know you're there, and you care, and they'll know they can come to you if they need you.
As I said, my dad and I have a difficult relationship (which predates my college years), but our communication now is still primarily through texting memes, photos, random anecdotes we think the other will appreciate, occasional requests for advice (from both him and me!), and every month or so, a phone call that we jokingly refer to as State of the Union and is basically an info dump about what we've been up to. Those conversations are LONG because a lot can happen in a month!
I think underneath it all you fear that you are losing your kid, and I do understand how that feels hurtful. You are not losing them. I'm 37 and my dad is frustrating and yet still, we do communicate. But if you don't recalibrate your expectations now, and manage the rest of the family's, you are are risk of your kid permanently keeping their distance. Smothering and helicoptering is not good.
I mean this all with compassion and I hope you find it helpful.
posted by nayantara at 8:49 AM on October 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
Non-responses also do not mean that they don't love you.
When I started college, it was super overwhelming. I too was far away from home (not for the first time, I had done sleepaway camp and summer theater intensives during the summers), I was trying to figure out how to balance my free time between homework (which there was a LOT more of than in high school), eating before the dining halls closed, meeting new people and figuring out who were MY people, figuring out the best time to do laundry (in a dorm, this can be hard, sometimes the only time there were free machines was at 2am!), the demands and schedule of a campus job, and any activities or clubs that I wanted to participate in. Oh, and the gym! And finding ways to stay in touch with my close high school friends who were at different schools and often different time zones! Also, my dad was located 3 hours behind me time zone-wise It's a lot. I didn't have the bandwidth to keep up regular correspondence or ask how anyone at home was doing. I was trying not to fail. Honestly, my adult life now, at age 37, is less hectic than my college life was.
I was in college before smartphones existed but cell phones were very much a thing. My dad wasn't a great texter, but he did call constantly, and sometimes a question like "what have you been up to?" doesn't yield much of a conversation starter. "I woke up, went to class, had to go to the registrar because I want to drop a class and join another, watched a movie with some kids down the hall." The end. His calls became smother-y fast; I was a film major and had required evening film screenings once or twice a week, which meant I had to eat dinner early (or late) or grab food to go, because they took attendance at screenings and missing one counted as a class absence. He had a knack for calling me RIGHT at dinner time assuming I was free and would get very upset and hurt when I said I didn't have time to talk because I was running to get to a screening (and the film department was wayyyy across campus from my dorm). This was stressful and would often just sour the whole evening for me.
I never told him about midterms or papers except to say "hey I'm busy this week studying/writing a term paper" because I knew he'd harass me about my progress. I am pretty sure that at this point your kid is never going to share any specific class -related information with you. 3 texts about a midterm is too much.
I also had other family members trying to reach me, sending care packages and calling to check in, and it was too much. Way too much. To pick up a package I would again have to walk across campus to the post office to pick it up, and if it was a big box, lug it back to my room. Two of my aunts tried to start a DAILY email conversation with me and my dad and made passive aggressive digs when I didn't reply faithfully every day. I didn't have much to say!!! It was overwhelming and I would have been so grateful if my dad had told them to back off and give me some space, but it took him nearly two whole years to learn that lesson himself.
The only time I called him regularly, in four years, was when junior year I was in a shit-awful class with a professor who was phoning it in, and it was a class I had been excited about and didn't realize what a waste of time it was until after the drop period ended; my dad used to be a college professor and I'd call him to vent. I also called him a lot my senior year when I was writing my senior thesis because my advisor basically abandoned me - she was up for tenure and was busy with that process and stopped replying to my emails and standing me up at scheduled meetings. I'd call to vent and also to talk through my thesis, and even sent him drafts to read, asking him to put his college professor hat back on and give me advice. And he gave me excellent feedback. I got an A. I have a difficult relationship with my dad but to this day I joke that he was actually my thesis advisor in college.
I'm telling you the above to say that when your kid needs you, they will respond. They will reach out. They are NOT abandoning you or neglecting you. This is a part of the individuation process of growing up, they pull away and then come back and pull away and come back.
I understand that your feelings are hurt but I promise you two things:
1) they are not trying to hurt you intentionally
2) if you keep doing what you're doing now, you will drive them away and they'll start deleting your texts without reading. I deleted a lot of my dad's voicemails my first two years in school.
This is an important time in a kid/adult's development and they need space to work it out. I like the idea of meme sharing, or if you have pets who do funny things sending silly videos or photos. You'll get a laugh response. You may get a meme back. Or they may even think "hey, I haven't talked to Parent in a while, let me call and check in, or have a longer text chat." That would be cool, right? But you have to keep the meme/video/photo sending communication avenue just at that, with no ulterior agenda of a longer conversation. Don't send a photo with a caption that says "The dog misses you and I do too!" - guilt trip. Don't send a meme and comment afterwards "remember how you used to do this when you were a kid?" - manipulative attempt at more conversation. Keep it light. Keep it fun. They'll know you're there, and you care, and they'll know they can come to you if they need you.
As I said, my dad and I have a difficult relationship (which predates my college years), but our communication now is still primarily through texting memes, photos, random anecdotes we think the other will appreciate, occasional requests for advice (from both him and me!), and every month or so, a phone call that we jokingly refer to as State of the Union and is basically an info dump about what we've been up to. Those conversations are LONG because a lot can happen in a month!
I think underneath it all you fear that you are losing your kid, and I do understand how that feels hurtful. You are not losing them. I'm 37 and my dad is frustrating and yet still, we do communicate. But if you don't recalibrate your expectations now, and manage the rest of the family's, you are are risk of your kid permanently keeping their distance. Smothering and helicoptering is not good.
I mean this all with compassion and I hope you find it helpful.
posted by nayantara at 8:49 AM on October 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
A few months into my freshman year of college, my mom sent me a heartbreaking letter where she told me how sad she was that we weren't in contact as often as she liked and she was having a hard time adjusting to the change. My mom and I were always extremely close - only child, divorced parents - and I went off to the big city and was faced with more changes than I had considered.
I had roommates. (Never shared a room with anymore before). I had classes I had to make myself go to, at different times of day. I had to keep myself fed, find time to study and write, learn a new transportation system, try and make all new friends, AND maintain social contact with family/non-college friends. I have always been the overachiever, juggling a million things simultaneously, but that was way more on my plate than I expected. It was tough to manage and plan, and it was tough emotionally.
I still loved my mom dearly, but I had new and competing priorities. We both had to adjust a lot to me being away from home and not sharing details with her every day or every week.
I'm happy to say that we got through the tough period, but it required a lot of compromise and acceptance on both of our parts. I don't think your kid is being rude, or being rude intentionally. I think they're just going through a major adjustment and life change.
posted by rachaelfaith at 9:03 AM on October 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
I had roommates. (Never shared a room with anymore before). I had classes I had to make myself go to, at different times of day. I had to keep myself fed, find time to study and write, learn a new transportation system, try and make all new friends, AND maintain social contact with family/non-college friends. I have always been the overachiever, juggling a million things simultaneously, but that was way more on my plate than I expected. It was tough to manage and plan, and it was tough emotionally.
I still loved my mom dearly, but I had new and competing priorities. We both had to adjust a lot to me being away from home and not sharing details with her every day or every week.
I'm happy to say that we got through the tough period, but it required a lot of compromise and acceptance on both of our parts. I don't think your kid is being rude, or being rude intentionally. I think they're just going through a major adjustment and life change.
posted by rachaelfaith at 9:03 AM on October 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
Your update makes it clear that you're not the only one trying to reach out. It sounds like everyone is excited and interested in how your kid is doing. In one (or so) months, 'a care package from their Grandparents, all texts from their younger brother, a gift from their aunt etc not acknowledged. (others?) who reached out once or twice since kiddo left and have had no response.' As everyone is pointing out, that is a lot, especially in the first month.
I also wanted to point out that, if they're anything like me, their daily schedule may be completely upside-down - sleeping during the day, up at 2am, classes, activities, many people who may or may not become friends. Even if they intended to keep up with everyone (which would be a lot), there's going to be a lot of 'oh I meant to text but now it's 1am and it's too late' while they get a handle on their schedule. I know I wouldn't text my mom at odd hours.
posted by oryelle at 9:10 AM on October 6, 2022 [2 favorites]
I also wanted to point out that, if they're anything like me, their daily schedule may be completely upside-down - sleeping during the day, up at 2am, classes, activities, many people who may or may not become friends. Even if they intended to keep up with everyone (which would be a lot), there's going to be a lot of 'oh I meant to text but now it's 1am and it's too late' while they get a handle on their schedule. I know I wouldn't text my mom at odd hours.
posted by oryelle at 9:10 AM on October 6, 2022 [2 favorites]
You're getting a lot of answers here along the same lines, some of which are coming loaded with a lot of emotion. I hope that makes it clear that this is something that a lot of parents struggle with! I think it's great that you're asking this question - I wish my own parents were anywhere near as introspective. You're at an important crossroads here. Your kid is trying (clumsily) to draw a boundary. Respecting that boundary now will set a great tone for your relationship with your adult child moving forward.
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:44 AM on October 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:44 AM on October 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
I suggest sending a text like, "hey, I understand you're going through a lot -- new experiences, new people, new responsibilities, and most importantly doing the hard work finding out who you are. I just want you to know that I'm here for you whenever you need me, but I'm going to give you the space you need to learn to be an adult, to be and do what you need to in order to be yourself, to work on growing up, without having to work so hard at being my kid. No nagging, no pestering, no reminders. You let me know what you want/need, and I'll be there. Other than that, just know that I'm thinking of you and love you deeply. Ping me on your schedule, and I'll be there for you."
posted by seanmpuckett at 10:08 AM on October 6, 2022
posted by seanmpuckett at 10:08 AM on October 6, 2022
I like the idea of seanmpuckett's text in theory. In practice, if I had received a text like that in college from my dad I would have felt overwhelmed and guilty, as it does seem to suggest that the lack of response is a Problem for the parent. In short, it feels like something that would make the parent feel better but make the kid feel worse
I don't think a text like that is necessary here. It's redundant and a little TMI. There were numerous conversations before the kid went to college about their anxiety about leaving home and even worries that they'd ask to come home within the first few weeks. Trust me, if those conversations were happening, this kid already knows that their parent is there for them and loves them.
I'm not trying to pick a fight here, seanmpuckett - like I said, the idea behind it is lovely and well-intentioned. I think it may be better to say something to that effect in person during Xmas break, and in shorter form. "Hey, I know adjusting to college life can be a lot. I'm always here if you need me. Just want you to know that. Ok let's eat some gingerbread cookies!"
posted by nayantara at 10:24 AM on October 6, 2022 [12 favorites]
I don't think a text like that is necessary here. It's redundant and a little TMI. There were numerous conversations before the kid went to college about their anxiety about leaving home and even worries that they'd ask to come home within the first few weeks. Trust me, if those conversations were happening, this kid already knows that their parent is there for them and loves them.
I'm not trying to pick a fight here, seanmpuckett - like I said, the idea behind it is lovely and well-intentioned. I think it may be better to say something to that effect in person during Xmas break, and in shorter form. "Hey, I know adjusting to college life can be a lot. I'm always here if you need me. Just want you to know that. Ok let's eat some gingerbread cookies!"
posted by nayantara at 10:24 AM on October 6, 2022 [12 favorites]
Agree ^^, that script sounds a lot better being delivered in person (or even over the phone) versus via text.
posted by kevinbelt at 10:43 AM on October 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by kevinbelt at 10:43 AM on October 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
nah that's cool, it's too long for a text anyway. the message, not the medium, is what's important.
posted by seanmpuckett at 10:57 AM on October 6, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 10:57 AM on October 6, 2022 [2 favorites]
Wanted to share another [paywalled] article here that I think is relevant to the discussion. It's about teenagers who live at home, but I was struck by the idea of a good teen parent being like a potted plant: there, present, and blending into the background until needed.
Ideally, children use their parents as a safe and dependable base from which to explore the world and exert their autonomy. ... While normally developing teenagers seek new levels of emotional and physical distance from their parents perhaps they, like toddlers, feel most at ease when their folks balance active engagement with detached availability.
Which is to say: I'd encourage you to think about cultivating detached availability, so your kid knows are you are available and present when they need you, but you're not hovering or overly attentive as they explore the world.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:25 PM on October 6, 2022 [2 favorites]
Ideally, children use their parents as a safe and dependable base from which to explore the world and exert their autonomy. ... While normally developing teenagers seek new levels of emotional and physical distance from their parents perhaps they, like toddlers, feel most at ease when their folks balance active engagement with detached availability.
Which is to say: I'd encourage you to think about cultivating detached availability, so your kid knows are you are available and present when they need you, but you're not hovering or overly attentive as they explore the world.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:25 PM on October 6, 2022 [2 favorites]
One thing I haven't seen anybody mention is that, on top of the normal social whirlwind a college freshman experiences, this class of college freshman are entering college after two and a half years of COVID. They missed up to (or more than) a year of normal social time with their peers at a crucial time, and when they were back in school, things were probably really different, and then they were off to college. Your kid is probably a mix of thrilled to be having so much time around new and interesting peers, combined with possibly being a bit overwhelmed by it.
I say this because I started college after a year of social isolation (for completely different reasons) and I barely spoke to anyone in my family my entire first year of college, except when I was home for vacations. I didn't love them any less, but my priority was making friends and generally making the most of my college experience. My parents were gracious about this and I am grateful to this day (being a typical teenager, I didn't come to appreciate this until years later).
posted by the sockening at 4:31 PM on October 6, 2022 [5 favorites]
I say this because I started college after a year of social isolation (for completely different reasons) and I barely spoke to anyone in my family my entire first year of college, except when I was home for vacations. I didn't love them any less, but my priority was making friends and generally making the most of my college experience. My parents were gracious about this and I am grateful to this day (being a typical teenager, I didn't come to appreciate this until years later).
posted by the sockening at 4:31 PM on October 6, 2022 [5 favorites]
I’m almost 40 and have muted all group texts that include my parents because their text messages make me feel like an angry teenager again. Whereas I can go days or weeks between texts with my siblings/friends and can send random photos or funny links with very little context, my parents have no chill. They each respond to literally every text in a group text, even though I know they are sitting in the living room right next to each other. They cannot handle funny randomness or absurdity - they want everything explained to them. My dad sends literal paragraphs via text. It is all overwhelming and annoying, so I respond less and less. My dad started including my mom on texts to me as some kind of in-the-house read receipt to make sure the text went through. I’ve tried to ask them to back off, and they get defensive and emotional about it. I wish my parents had never gotten smart phones; it really has messed up my relationship with them.
Different generations have different communication expectations, and it sounds like your kid is adjusting to independent life and testing out some boundaries. Kudos to them and to you for getting them to this point.
posted by Maarika at 8:23 PM on October 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
Different generations have different communication expectations, and it sounds like your kid is adjusting to independent life and testing out some boundaries. Kudos to them and to you for getting them to this point.
posted by Maarika at 8:23 PM on October 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
I just miss them, and I’m both sad and anxious.
This sounds really painful. But unfortunately those are feelings that you have to find ways to soothe yourself, not expect your kid to dispel for you by keeping in regular contact. It's definitely the perfect time to start something new for yourself - a new sport, class, regular walk, yoga or meditation practice, craft - anything - that will distract you and help you shift your focus to things that are present with you today. And when your kid comes back at Christmas and finds you have new stuff going on, I promise they will be so relieved to discover that your happiness is not their responsibility. It's a huge gift you can give them.
posted by penguin pie at 3:33 AM on October 7, 2022 [8 favorites]
This sounds really painful. But unfortunately those are feelings that you have to find ways to soothe yourself, not expect your kid to dispel for you by keeping in regular contact. It's definitely the perfect time to start something new for yourself - a new sport, class, regular walk, yoga or meditation practice, craft - anything - that will distract you and help you shift your focus to things that are present with you today. And when your kid comes back at Christmas and finds you have new stuff going on, I promise they will be so relieved to discover that your happiness is not their responsibility. It's a huge gift you can give them.
posted by penguin pie at 3:33 AM on October 7, 2022 [8 favorites]
Oh yes - penguin pie is so right about the relief I felt when my dad got into yoga towards the end of my college years. He had spent most of my life as first a caretaker for my mother who had cancer, second as a single parent, and third as a workaholic. When I lived with him his life revolved around work and me. When I left, there was a vacuum and he struggled. He had like 2 friends outside of work. Yoga gave him a new hobby, regular excersize, and a community - he made so many friends and met his girlfriend there. When he had enough things in his life that he actually HAD a life and didn't depend on me to sustain his existence, it was such a huge burden off of my shoulders and I was genuinely happy for him having taken a risk and gotten something amazing from it. This is the perfect time for you to do that for YOURSELF, and it will improve your relationship with your kid and perhaps remove the vacuum that their absence has left. It is painful - I totally get it. But it's kinda cool to give them a chance to grow and also grow yourself. You'll end up with so much more to talk about with them than midterms. :)
posted by nayantara at 2:07 PM on October 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by nayantara at 2:07 PM on October 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
They never ask how folks at home are, or what's going on with us, and I can actually accept that - they've never been great at showing interest and that's ok. It's really the lack of responses that's bugging me. To be clear, the texts above would be the only texts sent to them that week form home
If you had a five minute phone call with them where you mentioned you were going to give a presentation at work, and then got multiple texts over the following week asking repeatedly how the presentation went would you consider that to be showing interest in your life? Or would you be feeling like you have other things in your life aside from one presentation that happened on one day?
It seems like you are thinking this midterm is a huge life event for them, but even for students who have nothing else in their life other than academics there's not just ONE midterm. Surely there's other things you could say that might spark conversation instead of focusing on an extremely narrow line of inquiry?
In general, if one is trying to converse with another and not getting any response, it can be fruitful to change the topic of conversation rather than continue to ask the same question over and over.
posted by yohko at 6:59 PM on October 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
If you had a five minute phone call with them where you mentioned you were going to give a presentation at work, and then got multiple texts over the following week asking repeatedly how the presentation went would you consider that to be showing interest in your life? Or would you be feeling like you have other things in your life aside from one presentation that happened on one day?
It seems like you are thinking this midterm is a huge life event for them, but even for students who have nothing else in their life other than academics there's not just ONE midterm. Surely there's other things you could say that might spark conversation instead of focusing on an extremely narrow line of inquiry?
In general, if one is trying to converse with another and not getting any response, it can be fruitful to change the topic of conversation rather than continue to ask the same question over and over.
posted by yohko at 6:59 PM on October 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
For some perspective: I'm in my late 30s and married. I live about 5000km and 3 time-zones from my father, and I still talk to him several times a week these days (sitting in traffic is great for this, for both of us). When I went off to college about 500km away, same time zone, I think I maybe talked to him once a month, if that. We probably sent some emails, but I don't really remember anymore. I don't know how he felt about that, but he was definitely around for the "oh shit, this situation is fucked up and I need to talk with someone I trust and respect about it" stuff, regardless.
I say this because I want to point out that thing being what you consider rocky right now does not mean you're losing your relationship with your kid. It's changing, sure, but everything changes and stasis is death. Please let your young adult have space to grow into being an adult. It's a bit weird because I bet the new phase of this relationship might look different than you're used to (your newly-formed adult has less experience than you, but is still an independent adult now), but it's still a relationship!
posted by Alterscape at 9:43 AM on October 9, 2022 [2 favorites]
I say this because I want to point out that thing being what you consider rocky right now does not mean you're losing your relationship with your kid. It's changing, sure, but everything changes and stasis is death. Please let your young adult have space to grow into being an adult. It's a bit weird because I bet the new phase of this relationship might look different than you're used to (your newly-formed adult has less experience than you, but is still an independent adult now), but it's still a relationship!
posted by Alterscape at 9:43 AM on October 9, 2022 [2 favorites]
I see a lot of answers in here referring to being in college pre-texting, but I think texting is a super relevant detail here, especially since you mentioned your kid's never been a good texter. I'm a terrible texter as an adult (it often takes me days to weeks to acknowledge or reply to someone's text - even from my parents, whom I love and am decently close to - even if all they sent me is a lighthearted joke or something), and I was even worse at it in college. IMO texting is deceptive - it's so easy to send a text, but it often arrives at an inconvenient time for the receiver, who may intend to reply or like-react or whatever when they get a chance but then forget.
Maybe you can see if your kid might be amenable to a phone call more often than once every few weeks, and you two communicate more through that than through frequent texts? I really don't think it's smothering or odd for parents to talk to their college freshmen on the phone at least once a week, if the parents and kid are otherwise close. (But I second the suggestion not to set up a standing time; my parents and I call each other when the feeling strikes, which ends up being about every 1-1.5 weeks, and I really like the flexibility of that system.)
posted by chaiyai at 2:48 PM on October 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
Maybe you can see if your kid might be amenable to a phone call more often than once every few weeks, and you two communicate more through that than through frequent texts? I really don't think it's smothering or odd for parents to talk to their college freshmen on the phone at least once a week, if the parents and kid are otherwise close. (But I second the suggestion not to set up a standing time; my parents and I call each other when the feeling strikes, which ends up being about every 1-1.5 weeks, and I really like the flexibility of that system.)
posted by chaiyai at 2:48 PM on October 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
All this framing of the kid as rude, entitled, self-centered, etc. is silly and basically ignorant of developmental psychology. It’s coming from an immature adult view that children exist to meet our needs. This stage is not optional. It is 100% normal and healthy for a teen to need to explore adulthood unmolested by a hoard of family members who want validation for their own anxious caretaking.
A friend of mine had an aunt who complained for days that she had sent carefully planned care packages that were meant to be received in sequence over a course of weeks to her niece, who picked them all up at the same time from the mail center two months late. I’m pretty sure that niece was off studying, partying, hooking up and experiencing life and could not have possibly cared less. And it was a relief to hear that she didn’t care, because the alternative would be to be hamstrung by guilt and regress into a child’s role instead of individuating. There’s a reason the Bible tells sons to cleave to their wife, not their mother.
What do you say to grandparents and aunts and whoever? “Kid is very busy at college, you know how it was when you were experiencing freedom for the first time. I’m sure it was received and you can check in at Christmas.” Tada, no guilt trip required.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:20 PM on October 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
A friend of mine had an aunt who complained for days that she had sent carefully planned care packages that were meant to be received in sequence over a course of weeks to her niece, who picked them all up at the same time from the mail center two months late. I’m pretty sure that niece was off studying, partying, hooking up and experiencing life and could not have possibly cared less. And it was a relief to hear that she didn’t care, because the alternative would be to be hamstrung by guilt and regress into a child’s role instead of individuating. There’s a reason the Bible tells sons to cleave to their wife, not their mother.
What do you say to grandparents and aunts and whoever? “Kid is very busy at college, you know how it was when you were experiencing freedom for the first time. I’m sure it was received and you can check in at Christmas.” Tada, no guilt trip required.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:20 PM on October 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
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posted by sillysally at 12:57 PM on October 5, 2022 [12 favorites]