Relationship conundrum
October 4, 2022 2:45 AM Subscribe
Lingering doubts turned into pressure-in-my-chest-anxiety... Perspective needed!
For close to two years now, I (36, M) have been in a relationship with a great woman (28). 'A' is incredibly nice, thoughtful, sincere, funny and dependable. I admire her and the way she lives her life, and I love spending time with her.
However, I can't help keeping her at arm's length. Time spent together is restricted to about once a week, mostly at my place. Our lives aren't very entangled; we rarely socialize with friends or family as a couple. I don't see us living together down the line or starting a family.
In fact, at the time we met, I was thinking a lot about the kind of (romantic) relationships I wanted in my life. Until now, I have always ridden the relationship escalator and falling from it has always hurt a lot (especially after a decade-long relationship with a person I was engaged to). I am pretty certain I don't want kids, don't want to cohabitate again, and I think I would be open to non-monogamy. The idea of being 'solo poly', which I read about in the book I linked to, speaks to me - in theory, at least. I (think I) don't want to exclusively share intimacy, both sexual and otherwise, with one person. And even more generally, I would like romantic relationships to take up a smaller part in my life - ties with family and friends, I find, are more durable but I tend to disengage from them when I'm romantically involved with someone.
We have talked about this often and she knows all of this about me. She is not open to non-monogamy, but other than that she too enjoys the autonomy we both have in this relationship. I can't shake the feeling that she compromises for my sake, though, and I don't want her to do that.
Last weekend. I received a text from 'B', someone I dated for a month just before A and I met. I was, in many ways, very attracted to B and I was hopeful more would come from it. It hurt a lot when she ended things at the time. Now, after a year of radio silence, she asked whether I'd be open to meet again.
Since receiving that text, the lingering doubts I had were amplified and my anxiety really escalated. I feel guilty for being as tempted by B as I am. I think it would hurt A if she knew (she is aware of my short history with B and knows her a little), so being honest about it scares me. I hate myself for not feeling more for A, who is such a wonderful person, and what we have is so close to what I want. I don't trust my own feelings anymore, because often I feel they're wrongheaded, or actions based on them might hurt others. All in all, I don't know what to do. I have often wished I was just entirely alone, unable to hurt others or myself.
I have two questions:
I. What is the right thing to do, here and now? Is there a 'right' here, which is both ethically 'right' and also 'right for me'?
II. Can anyone relate to the 'solo poly' part? I would love to hear experiences with and discover resources about this. I feel a little isolated with this, as many friends can't really relate.
Thank you!
For close to two years now, I (36, M) have been in a relationship with a great woman (28). 'A' is incredibly nice, thoughtful, sincere, funny and dependable. I admire her and the way she lives her life, and I love spending time with her.
However, I can't help keeping her at arm's length. Time spent together is restricted to about once a week, mostly at my place. Our lives aren't very entangled; we rarely socialize with friends or family as a couple. I don't see us living together down the line or starting a family.
In fact, at the time we met, I was thinking a lot about the kind of (romantic) relationships I wanted in my life. Until now, I have always ridden the relationship escalator and falling from it has always hurt a lot (especially after a decade-long relationship with a person I was engaged to). I am pretty certain I don't want kids, don't want to cohabitate again, and I think I would be open to non-monogamy. The idea of being 'solo poly', which I read about in the book I linked to, speaks to me - in theory, at least. I (think I) don't want to exclusively share intimacy, both sexual and otherwise, with one person. And even more generally, I would like romantic relationships to take up a smaller part in my life - ties with family and friends, I find, are more durable but I tend to disengage from them when I'm romantically involved with someone.
We have talked about this often and she knows all of this about me. She is not open to non-monogamy, but other than that she too enjoys the autonomy we both have in this relationship. I can't shake the feeling that she compromises for my sake, though, and I don't want her to do that.
Last weekend. I received a text from 'B', someone I dated for a month just before A and I met. I was, in many ways, very attracted to B and I was hopeful more would come from it. It hurt a lot when she ended things at the time. Now, after a year of radio silence, she asked whether I'd be open to meet again.
Since receiving that text, the lingering doubts I had were amplified and my anxiety really escalated. I feel guilty for being as tempted by B as I am. I think it would hurt A if she knew (she is aware of my short history with B and knows her a little), so being honest about it scares me. I hate myself for not feeling more for A, who is such a wonderful person, and what we have is so close to what I want. I don't trust my own feelings anymore, because often I feel they're wrongheaded, or actions based on them might hurt others. All in all, I don't know what to do. I have often wished I was just entirely alone, unable to hurt others or myself.
I have two questions:
I. What is the right thing to do, here and now? Is there a 'right' here, which is both ethically 'right' and also 'right for me'?
II. Can anyone relate to the 'solo poly' part? I would love to hear experiences with and discover resources about this. I feel a little isolated with this, as many friends can't really relate.
Thank you!
Also, I say this as someone like A who recently had a relationship like you describe and it was so hurtful. Not bad but I now recognize the other person as having major attachment stuff that he was unwilling to work on. It’s ok but I had to reset my boundaries; a year later he reached back out and I’m glad to have moved on. The only shitty thing, aside from the disappointment because I genuinely really really liked him, was that he broke up after three months via a vague text then was unwilling to discuss things on the phone. You sound much kinder than that but I give you this anecdote as a gentle reminder that it’s not wrong to break up, should you so choose, but please do it respectfully.
posted by smorgasbord at 3:38 AM on October 4, 2022 [13 favorites]
posted by smorgasbord at 3:38 AM on October 4, 2022 [13 favorites]
Two separate issues here. First, if A tells you she is happy with the autonomy you both have, it’s okay to believe her. What you describe isn’t the relationship norm but it is absolutely something that many people who highly value autonomy and privacy would be fine with and prefer to some other more standard relationship model. I don’t think you need to beat yourself up about that.
Separately, you can’t explore things with B and not tell A. You know she is not okay with that, and that she has a firm boundary around exclusivity. There is no version of that which is ethically okay.
I think in your shoes I’d take B out of the equation altogether for a minute. She’s someone you knew for about two seconds, and is not someone reliable you should give up a good thing for. But if what she’s prompting is a more general rethinking about monogamy, that’s worth giving some thought to. You can and should make a choice between A, and being single and available for polyam relationships that may come your way in the future, which could include B. Either of those choices could be ethically right and right for you, but you have to actually commit to one of them or the other, and let A go to find someone who actively chooses the same kind of relationship that she does, if that’s not you.
I think probably the breakup is the right road based on the way you talk about her here, but you have the full picture and can make the decision.
posted by Stacey at 4:12 AM on October 4, 2022 [33 favorites]
Separately, you can’t explore things with B and not tell A. You know she is not okay with that, and that she has a firm boundary around exclusivity. There is no version of that which is ethically okay.
I think in your shoes I’d take B out of the equation altogether for a minute. She’s someone you knew for about two seconds, and is not someone reliable you should give up a good thing for. But if what she’s prompting is a more general rethinking about monogamy, that’s worth giving some thought to. You can and should make a choice between A, and being single and available for polyam relationships that may come your way in the future, which could include B. Either of those choices could be ethically right and right for you, but you have to actually commit to one of them or the other, and let A go to find someone who actively chooses the same kind of relationship that she does, if that’s not you.
I think probably the breakup is the right road based on the way you talk about her here, but you have the full picture and can make the decision.
posted by Stacey at 4:12 AM on October 4, 2022 [33 favorites]
I agree it sounds like you're not that into A even though that relationship looks good on paper. That said, before jumping into things or making big changes I'd think seriously about the part where you said you want romantic relationships to take up less of your attention and energy. IME, that's not usually a feature of any kind of poly, though of course your mileage may vary.
posted by lgyre at 5:06 AM on October 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by lgyre at 5:06 AM on October 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
I read about a concept here on Metafilter that I took as 'HELL YES!' If you don't feel like that about A, then kindly move on. She may not want kids *with you* and could if she found the right person. Sometimes 99% compatibility is not enough. You need that 1%. You might be one of those people. I know I am. Your love and affection towards each other, IMO, should be growing if you are going to have a healthy long-term relationship. It seems right now you're existing in relationship staus quo.
Also, very few times does an ex coming back into your life work out. As stated above, you didn't really know them that well and to me, I take boomerang feelings as a red flag. I think, what is or is *not* going on in their life that made them think of me? And made them think that *I* would be interested? I've moved on, not pining for that person so if they're pining, that's concerning not flattering.
It seems you're being thoughtful and have a lot of stuff to work out. It's best to do that in therapy and out of a relationship. It's so much more painful when you try to make something work, that is better left being what it was. Make room for what you want in your life, and maybe it's just around the corner for you. But you have to put in the work or you might end up continually in a similar predicament.
posted by VyanSelei at 5:21 AM on October 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
Also, very few times does an ex coming back into your life work out. As stated above, you didn't really know them that well and to me, I take boomerang feelings as a red flag. I think, what is or is *not* going on in their life that made them think of me? And made them think that *I* would be interested? I've moved on, not pining for that person so if they're pining, that's concerning not flattering.
It seems you're being thoughtful and have a lot of stuff to work out. It's best to do that in therapy and out of a relationship. It's so much more painful when you try to make something work, that is better left being what it was. Make room for what you want in your life, and maybe it's just around the corner for you. But you have to put in the work or you might end up continually in a similar predicament.
posted by VyanSelei at 5:21 AM on October 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
Just keep doing what you're doing; that is, being honest so that everyone in the room gets to make informed decisions. "A" isn't open to non-monogamy, so if you tell her your thinking on the matter has gone from theoretical to something more concrete, she can decide if she wants to be part of that or not.
I think it would hurt A if she knew (she is aware of my short history with B and knows her a little), so being honest about it scares me.
Honesty hurts sometimes. The alternative - you settling now and eventually resenting her for it, while she believes your lives together are X when they're really Y - is far, far worse.
You don't have to be specific about B's text or your response to it, but if you're looking outside the relationship you have, then being honest about it with whoever else is in that relationship is the right thing to do. If you want to be respectful of A, then it's your only option.
posted by headnsouth at 6:11 AM on October 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
I think it would hurt A if she knew (she is aware of my short history with B and knows her a little), so being honest about it scares me.
Honesty hurts sometimes. The alternative - you settling now and eventually resenting her for it, while she believes your lives together are X when they're really Y - is far, far worse.
You don't have to be specific about B's text or your response to it, but if you're looking outside the relationship you have, then being honest about it with whoever else is in that relationship is the right thing to do. If you want to be respectful of A, then it's your only option.
posted by headnsouth at 6:11 AM on October 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
I. What is the right thing to do, here and now? Is there a 'right' here, which is both ethically 'right' and also 'right for me'?
Disclosure. Honesty. Integrity. These are anxiety-inducing, sure, because you can't control how someone else will respond to you revealing more of your genuine self. The more you strive to give your partner(s) all of the information they need to make real decisions about their role in the relationship, the more likely you are to discover relationships that share enough values to grow and adapt. On the other side of that coin—poorly-informed decisions, partial truths, dishonesty—you find that you're probably not avoiding uncomfortable discussions, you're just kicking them down the road. The longer those discussions get postponed, the more you entangle your lives without focusing on a stable foundation. More entanglements make for more painful breaks when weak foundations crumble.
Hang in there. It's good that you're thinking about these questions.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 6:14 AM on October 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
Disclosure. Honesty. Integrity. These are anxiety-inducing, sure, because you can't control how someone else will respond to you revealing more of your genuine self. The more you strive to give your partner(s) all of the information they need to make real decisions about their role in the relationship, the more likely you are to discover relationships that share enough values to grow and adapt. On the other side of that coin—poorly-informed decisions, partial truths, dishonesty—you find that you're probably not avoiding uncomfortable discussions, you're just kicking them down the road. The longer those discussions get postponed, the more you entangle your lives without focusing on a stable foundation. More entanglements make for more painful breaks when weak foundations crumble.
Hang in there. It's good that you're thinking about these questions.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 6:14 AM on October 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
I. What is the right thing to do, here and now?
Stop asking strangers for advice and ask A instead.
Is there a 'right' here, which is both ethically 'right' and also 'right for me'?
Yes. It's the option that requires the most courage, and the most vulnerability, to exercise.
If a putatively intimate relationship is not a space inside which this kind of issue can be sorted out then in my book that's not an intimacy worth maintaining.
So if you bring this up with A and the result is that you and she fall apart, then what you were in was never an intimate relationship; it was a game of mutual obligation millstones that you'll both end up better off for ending.
On the flip side, if what you have with A is a genuine intimate relationship then you and she will both learn and grow from talking this thing over openly and honestly with each other, and that's a mutual win as well.
It's completely legitimate and frequently even kind for intimate partners to keep certain parts of themselves private; everybody has messy bits and there's no particular virtue in sneezing those over each other the whole time. But locking down and denying the parts of us that give us trouble is almost always counterproductive. What's the point of intimacy if not mutual emotional honesty and awareness and support?
posted by flabdablet at 6:14 AM on October 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
Stop asking strangers for advice and ask A instead.
Is there a 'right' here, which is both ethically 'right' and also 'right for me'?
Yes. It's the option that requires the most courage, and the most vulnerability, to exercise.
If a putatively intimate relationship is not a space inside which this kind of issue can be sorted out then in my book that's not an intimacy worth maintaining.
So if you bring this up with A and the result is that you and she fall apart, then what you were in was never an intimate relationship; it was a game of mutual obligation millstones that you'll both end up better off for ending.
On the flip side, if what you have with A is a genuine intimate relationship then you and she will both learn and grow from talking this thing over openly and honestly with each other, and that's a mutual win as well.
It's completely legitimate and frequently even kind for intimate partners to keep certain parts of themselves private; everybody has messy bits and there's no particular virtue in sneezing those over each other the whole time. But locking down and denying the parts of us that give us trouble is almost always counterproductive. What's the point of intimacy if not mutual emotional honesty and awareness and support?
posted by flabdablet at 6:14 AM on October 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
Attachment issues aside, fertility aside, you're just not into Girl A. You may not ever want full cohabitation and a family with any woman, but you don't really want to introduce this particular girl to your friends and family, you don't want to hang at this particular girl's place, basically unless it's this one day a week you don't want to spend time with this particular girl. Everything you write about her is about how you should like her and how you are a bad person for not liking her more and how you should withdraw from society because you have committed the sin of sleeping with a girl that you are not especially into. However, feeling guilty has not magically made you like her more or want to spend more time with her. The one relationship step you have taken is talking about opening up the relationship so you can date other people without feeling guilty! Which she already said no to!
Break up and yes, you are allowed to try with Girl B after you break up with Girl A. It probably isn't going to work (but who knows) and people will get hurt, but the alternatives are that 1. you somehow stay with Girl A forever, having sex once a week and wishing you could see other people 2. you break up with Girl A later on down the road and she gets hurt anyway. There's no way for you to be a perfectly good person in this situation, but you can rip the Band Aid off sooner rather than later.
posted by kingdead at 6:16 AM on October 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
Break up and yes, you are allowed to try with Girl B after you break up with Girl A. It probably isn't going to work (but who knows) and people will get hurt, but the alternatives are that 1. you somehow stay with Girl A forever, having sex once a week and wishing you could see other people 2. you break up with Girl A later on down the road and she gets hurt anyway. There's no way for you to be a perfectly good person in this situation, but you can rip the Band Aid off sooner rather than later.
posted by kingdead at 6:16 AM on October 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
And even more generally, I would like romantic relationships to take up a smaller part in my life - ties with family and friends, I find, are more durable but I tend to disengage from them when I'm romantically involved with someone.
The poly people I know tend to make romantic relationships a a much bigger part of their lives. Dating takes a lot of time, as does having multiple romantic partners.
posted by lunasol at 6:53 AM on October 4, 2022 [18 favorites]
The poly people I know tend to make romantic relationships a a much bigger part of their lives. Dating takes a lot of time, as does having multiple romantic partners.
posted by lunasol at 6:53 AM on October 4, 2022 [18 favorites]
"She is not open to non-monogamy"
This is your answer. You can't ask again.
It would be awful if you said nothing now and decided in 5 years you want to pursue other relationships while having wasted the most central "settling down" years of her life.
I think you should end this. You are not sure what you want - she should know that and make her own decision.
posted by lookoutbelow at 7:08 AM on October 4, 2022 [12 favorites]
This is your answer. You can't ask again.
It would be awful if you said nothing now and decided in 5 years you want to pursue other relationships while having wasted the most central "settling down" years of her life.
I think you should end this. You are not sure what you want - she should know that and make her own decision.
posted by lookoutbelow at 7:08 AM on October 4, 2022 [12 favorites]
It's not one-size-fits-all advice, but I'm fond of the saying (from a movie, I think) that goes something like, "if there are doubts, there is no doubt." Meaning, if you are having serious ongoing doubts about your relationship instead of feeling loved and happy on whatever terms matter to both of you, then that alone settles the question of should you move on.
Having said that, it seems like an open conversation would be appropriate and respectful since I think you are both making assumptions about what the other wants, and possibly there is a path to mutual happiness here. But my reading of your question is that you are getting ready to move on, and if so don't let that get derailed by getting into a long series of heavy emotional discussions and drama.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:12 AM on October 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
Having said that, it seems like an open conversation would be appropriate and respectful since I think you are both making assumptions about what the other wants, and possibly there is a path to mutual happiness here. But my reading of your question is that you are getting ready to move on, and if so don't let that get derailed by getting into a long series of heavy emotional discussions and drama.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:12 AM on October 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
To me, it seems like you are maybe making this more complicated than it needs to be? I don't know that you have to find some sort of new relationship style category for what you want, which is pretty simple, it seems: you don't want a monogamous relationship, or even a non-monogamous relationship, really. You don't want a "relationship"-relationship. You want to be able to see different people without any of them expecting that the two of you are building a relationship, without blending friends, family, etc., without necessarily spending a lot of time together, or making a big deal of the time you do spend together.
It just seems like you want to be single and have sex with people you like sometimes. I don't think that's bizarre, and would be sort of surprised if you couldn't find other people who would be happy with exactly the same thing. Probably divorced people who are grateful to have their own agency back, who don't want to share their household / family, or be expected to be available all the time, or fulfill certain roles, or fit into someone else's idea of what they should be or do. People who just want to maybe date lightly, follow their own interests and pursuits, and not be someone's SO, but do want to enjoy occasional sex with somebody (or more than one somebody) they are generally compatible and comfortable with.
posted by taz at 7:34 AM on October 4, 2022 [17 favorites]
It just seems like you want to be single and have sex with people you like sometimes. I don't think that's bizarre, and would be sort of surprised if you couldn't find other people who would be happy with exactly the same thing. Probably divorced people who are grateful to have their own agency back, who don't want to share their household / family, or be expected to be available all the time, or fulfill certain roles, or fit into someone else's idea of what they should be or do. People who just want to maybe date lightly, follow their own interests and pursuits, and not be someone's SO, but do want to enjoy occasional sex with somebody (or more than one somebody) they are generally compatible and comfortable with.
posted by taz at 7:34 AM on October 4, 2022 [17 favorites]
I'm going to take you at your word that you have in fact explained all of this (except B) fully to A and that she has been clear that she is fine with this. I think a lot of people telling you to break up with A may have missed that bit. If you've told her plainly you don't want kids, then you're not "wasting her time"--she's an adult woman who presumably can do the math on her fertile years, and either doesn't want kids at all or is at least open to not having them. Similarly with the level of commitment/involvement. She knows you don't want to ride the relationship escalator. Apparently that's okay with her. There are some women for whom that would be fine. Usually they tend to be a bit older, but it's perfectly valid for a woman to want to see a guy she likes once a week, have some sex, and talk on the phone a bit without taking him home for Thanksgiving or looking forward to a wedding.
So what we have then is a situation where you're fine with your current relationship but you've re-encountered a semi-ex. And that makes this situation relatively routine, despite the common human urge to come up with special categories for oneself. What people will generally tell you in cases like this that you should recognize that random met-new-person sparks are usually just your brain entertaining itself at your expense, but the fact that you feel them strongly means you should consider whether you really are satisfied with your current relationship. In other words, B or no B (and I'm guessing that when you're not fizzing with chemicals you know enough to know that Bs, especially Bs who you basically don't know, rarely work out), are you as content as you say? If you're not, then you need to be honest with A and seriously consider breaking up with her--not because your relationship doesn't fit into a certain expected mold, but because it doesn't work for you.
P.S. A piece of gratuitous advice, since for some reason society doesn't tell guys this. If you want to live life off the relationship escalator, you should be aware that solo life, especially as you get older, requires developing lots of skills and making lots of investments in your own well-being. I'm not saying anything about you personally, I don't know you, but most American men I know haven't developed them. In that scenario, often they rely on a rotating group of women to be supporting cast, trying to get needs met without offering much in return. Try to avoid becoming that guy.
posted by praemunire at 7:49 AM on October 4, 2022 [34 favorites]
So what we have then is a situation where you're fine with your current relationship but you've re-encountered a semi-ex. And that makes this situation relatively routine, despite the common human urge to come up with special categories for oneself. What people will generally tell you in cases like this that you should recognize that random met-new-person sparks are usually just your brain entertaining itself at your expense, but the fact that you feel them strongly means you should consider whether you really are satisfied with your current relationship. In other words, B or no B (and I'm guessing that when you're not fizzing with chemicals you know enough to know that Bs, especially Bs who you basically don't know, rarely work out), are you as content as you say? If you're not, then you need to be honest with A and seriously consider breaking up with her--not because your relationship doesn't fit into a certain expected mold, but because it doesn't work for you.
P.S. A piece of gratuitous advice, since for some reason society doesn't tell guys this. If you want to live life off the relationship escalator, you should be aware that solo life, especially as you get older, requires developing lots of skills and making lots of investments in your own well-being. I'm not saying anything about you personally, I don't know you, but most American men I know haven't developed them. In that scenario, often they rely on a rotating group of women to be supporting cast, trying to get needs met without offering much in return. Try to avoid becoming that guy.
posted by praemunire at 7:49 AM on October 4, 2022 [34 favorites]
On the poly thing: Ethical non-monogamy requires ethics.
You don't owe A anything in your feelings. Being attracted to B or considering pursuing a relationship with B is not a terrible betrayal. However, acting on it if you know A has specifically said no poly relationships (by which I understand that you and A are currently in a monogamous relationship), would be wrong.
So you either don't see B, or you let A know that you would like to do that and accept that may end your relationship with A.
I too am polyamorous. But I married my spouse monogamously before I worked that out. He gets first say in anything, and in general that looks a lot like monogamy.* I would not be able to honour the person he is, and ignore that. Just because he knows I have other thoughts and desires does not mean he has to somehow change in order to be okay with something he's not okay with. At this point, we've been discussing my poly leanings for...23 years, and I've known about him for 23 years that he's monogamous (well really for almost 30 yrs). I value that clarity in him very much, because I have also been in relationships with people who said they were okay with something when they really weren't and that...was toxic.
In terms of what will make you happy, you get to decide that. But if what will make you happy is pursuing B, you have to give A the option to weigh in, including ending your relationship, first. If you are not telling A only because you want to keep a relationship with A, then you need to decide if your relationship with A is at a place where you can walk away from seeing other people.
* Monogamish, but it's a very specific and personal configuration.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:33 AM on October 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
You don't owe A anything in your feelings. Being attracted to B or considering pursuing a relationship with B is not a terrible betrayal. However, acting on it if you know A has specifically said no poly relationships (by which I understand that you and A are currently in a monogamous relationship), would be wrong.
So you either don't see B, or you let A know that you would like to do that and accept that may end your relationship with A.
I too am polyamorous. But I married my spouse monogamously before I worked that out. He gets first say in anything, and in general that looks a lot like monogamy.* I would not be able to honour the person he is, and ignore that. Just because he knows I have other thoughts and desires does not mean he has to somehow change in order to be okay with something he's not okay with. At this point, we've been discussing my poly leanings for...23 years, and I've known about him for 23 years that he's monogamous (well really for almost 30 yrs). I value that clarity in him very much, because I have also been in relationships with people who said they were okay with something when they really weren't and that...was toxic.
In terms of what will make you happy, you get to decide that. But if what will make you happy is pursuing B, you have to give A the option to weigh in, including ending your relationship, first. If you are not telling A only because you want to keep a relationship with A, then you need to decide if your relationship with A is at a place where you can walk away from seeing other people.
* Monogamish, but it's a very specific and personal configuration.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:33 AM on October 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
It sounds to me like you are trying to protect yourself from heartbreak by dating someone who's more into you and purposefully trying not to get attached.
That plan is obviously not going to work with B, you know that right?
It's like...you can't really have both. If you want to control your life so there are no romantic ups and downs, you have to...control your life so there are no romantic ups and downs. You've been doing that successfully. Good for you. But it didn't work when you got a whiff of someone who excited you, did it?
I think you need to revaluate your worldview. More control is not going to help you. Maybe less control will, or maybe you'll learn the hard way that B really is unreliable.
But in general, in life, if you're choosing between two options and you can't decide, it's because both are equally bad/good options. If you're unhappy with control, you're unhappy with control. If you're unhappy and heartbroken with B when B (perhaps, likely) leaves you again, you're unhappy and heartbroken with B. Perhaps there is a C? Find your C. Find your happy medium where you get some intimacy and some independence.
posted by stockpuppet at 8:34 AM on October 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
That plan is obviously not going to work with B, you know that right?
It's like...you can't really have both. If you want to control your life so there are no romantic ups and downs, you have to...control your life so there are no romantic ups and downs. You've been doing that successfully. Good for you. But it didn't work when you got a whiff of someone who excited you, did it?
I think you need to revaluate your worldview. More control is not going to help you. Maybe less control will, or maybe you'll learn the hard way that B really is unreliable.
But in general, in life, if you're choosing between two options and you can't decide, it's because both are equally bad/good options. If you're unhappy with control, you're unhappy with control. If you're unhappy and heartbroken with B when B (perhaps, likely) leaves you again, you're unhappy and heartbroken with B. Perhaps there is a C? Find your C. Find your happy medium where you get some intimacy and some independence.
posted by stockpuppet at 8:34 AM on October 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
While I get the criticism that I and others are projecting our own issues on person A, I think our read is valid — just as much as others have said differently. I have had a similar relationship: I loved the autonomy and it was, in fact, an open relationship. However, something feels off and both parties seem to have a disconnect between what they’re saying and what they want. I’d be curious how A would describe things from her perspective. The poster senses she’s settling and I don’t doubt she is, although it sounds like he’s settling too. What a hard spot to be in!
To me the biggest thing is this: “She is not open to non-monogamy”. So the poster must choose to continue this relationship that seems to be slightly dissatisfying for both, perhaps with some adjustments, or end it to date B.
Something I do agree with people on is all this bullshit about not wasting her years of fertility, eww. I mean, it’s a completely valid point for someone this is important to but I don’t get that it’s a big issue. I am on the fence myself so I’m a bit choosier about dating but I say this as a single 39yo, not a 28yo who’s chosen to be in this relationship for two years, and that feels very different.
posted by smorgasbord at 8:57 AM on October 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
To me the biggest thing is this: “She is not open to non-monogamy”. So the poster must choose to continue this relationship that seems to be slightly dissatisfying for both, perhaps with some adjustments, or end it to date B.
Something I do agree with people on is all this bullshit about not wasting her years of fertility, eww. I mean, it’s a completely valid point for someone this is important to but I don’t get that it’s a big issue. I am on the fence myself so I’m a bit choosier about dating but I say this as a single 39yo, not a 28yo who’s chosen to be in this relationship for two years, and that feels very different.
posted by smorgasbord at 8:57 AM on October 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Also, I reiterate what others have said about polyamory, even solo, is not really a panacea for what you’re describing. I can understand how it feels related but it’s different. For some people, it’s a way to be true to yourself and live a richer life; for others it’s a sign that we’re avoiding bigger issues and it’s a band-aid. Or it’s even a bit of both!
I hope you can discuss this all with A because, I’d hope after two years, you can have such a difficult discussion even if it hurts. If you decide to explore being solo poly, you’re gonna be having hard conversations like this ALL the time so it’s good practice even if this ends.
posted by smorgasbord at 9:01 AM on October 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
I hope you can discuss this all with A because, I’d hope after two years, you can have such a difficult discussion even if it hurts. If you decide to explore being solo poly, you’re gonna be having hard conversations like this ALL the time so it’s good practice even if this ends.
posted by smorgasbord at 9:01 AM on October 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
If you use Facebook there are a few solo poly groups you may find interesting. Hearing more about how others live their lives off the relationship escalator will likely be helpful. Your interest in focusing on other non-romantic relationships in your life may mean that exploring relationship anarchy groups might also be useful.
It seems like your relationship with A is fine but some part of you is looking for something with better chemistry. Given that A doesn't want to be in a relationship where you have the freedom to do that means you will need to make a choice, and choosing to look for something better will likely mean you're without a partner for a while. Imagining your life ten years out, which do you think is more likely to make you happier?
posted by metasarah at 9:06 AM on October 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
It seems like your relationship with A is fine but some part of you is looking for something with better chemistry. Given that A doesn't want to be in a relationship where you have the freedom to do that means you will need to make a choice, and choosing to look for something better will likely mean you're without a partner for a while. Imagining your life ten years out, which do you think is more likely to make you happier?
posted by metasarah at 9:06 AM on October 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Have you seen https://solopoly.net/ and the accompanying book, Off the Relationship Escalator?
Edit: Ah, I see now that was in fact the book you linked in your question.
posted by danceswithlight at 9:13 AM on October 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Edit: Ah, I see now that was in fact the book you linked in your question.
posted by danceswithlight at 9:13 AM on October 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
I think that the woman involved has autonomy--she could also prefer a low stakes relationship in which she sees him infrequently. However, if she's already expressed a preference for exclusivity, and he isn't satisfied with that, then the options are dissolving the relationship or lying, and the first is better than the second.
posted by kingdead at 9:21 AM on October 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by kingdead at 9:21 AM on October 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
However, if she's already expressed a preference for exclusivity, and he isn't satisfied with that, then the options are dissolving the relationship or lying, and the first is better than the second.
Sure, but...have some conversations with her first, right? And think over the roots of the dissatisfaction, because throwing away a two-year relationship for someone who might ghost you after two dates is not a decision to be made lightly and really probably should only be made as an underlying decision to throw away a two-year relationship because it's actually not working for you.
posted by praemunire at 9:26 AM on October 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
Sure, but...have some conversations with her first, right? And think over the roots of the dissatisfaction, because throwing away a two-year relationship for someone who might ghost you after two dates is not a decision to be made lightly and really probably should only be made as an underlying decision to throw away a two-year relationship because it's actually not working for you.
posted by praemunire at 9:26 AM on October 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
Break up with A. Don't get in another relationship with anyone who isn't down with non monogamy. Don't do things that make you feel guilty. Don't be scared to hurt feelings with honesty.
posted by EarnestDeer at 9:31 AM on October 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by EarnestDeer at 9:31 AM on October 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
B ended things and went radio silent. Generic don't pursue this relationship advice applies to this part.
posted by aniola at 9:44 AM on October 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by aniola at 9:44 AM on October 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
What jumps out at me is that you are severely ambivalent about wanting closeness with people. When you talk about A, you say you "can't help" keeping her at arm's length *because* (emphasis due to the importance of the causal relationship here) you have been hurt in the past when you let yourself get close to your fiance. And you say you want romantic relationships to take up a smaller part of your life *because* (again, emphasizing the important causal relationship you describe) you find them less "durable" than other relationships, therefore you'd rather not risk becoming overinvested - which, you note, tends to be the norm for you.
Contrast this with how A talks about your current relationship: she "enjoys the autonomy" of it. (In this sentence you say you share her sentiment but everything else you say belies this claim: it seems you don't enjoy the autonomy so much as feel it's safer than your natural inclination to get too close.)
My point is, A is saying she genuinely enjoys a looser, more distant relationship, while you feel you must confine yourself to a distant relationship in order to be safe. There is a marked difference between you both in this regard.
This relationship is working very well for her, because it aligns well with her true needs and her natural inclinations, but it is not at all fulfilling for you, because you've just been fighting against your natural inclinations and suppressing your true desires out of a fear of being hurt.
And into this situation, along comes B. She's someone you dated for a month but have not stopped wanting to be with, someone who "really hurt" you when she broke up with you even though it had only been a month. She sends you one text and boom! You're immediately showing way more emotional engagement than you have with A. You're torn. You're being moved into action. You want to break up with A and run towards B. Where is your desire to keep B at arm's length? Where is your careful need for distance with A is a HUGE and STRIKING contrast with your desire to fully change your life based on just one text from B.
Listen to yourself, OP. Read your own words. Hear what you're trying to tell yourself.
- you're unhappy in your distant relationship with A
- you have unresolved hurts that are crying out to be worked through in therapy or whatever other form of self-work you prefer
- for as long as you don't work on your unresolved hurts, you will be afraid of closeness and intimacy in romantic contexts
- as long as you're afraid of closeness, you will enforce distance out of a desire for safety (rather than a love of distance) which will cause the relationship to feel unfulfilling to you, because you crave closeness
And finally, I also find myself wondering whether your interest in solo poly etc. might be a bit of a red herring. I'm not trying to invalidate you or discourage you from exploring this aspect of your identity. But perhaps you could also explore the possibility that in your current situation, it is much more exciting and comfortable to say, "I am somehow unsatisfied in this relationship with A which meets all my requirements, and egads! I am attracted to B! Perhaps that means I can never find everything I need in one partner and I should explore polyamory," and, in contrast, it's really difficult and uncomfortable for you to acknowledge your obvious lack of emotional connection with A, your ambivalence towards closeness, etc. as the reason for your feelings of dissatisfaction.
posted by MiraK at 9:53 AM on October 4, 2022 [37 favorites]
Contrast this with how A talks about your current relationship: she "enjoys the autonomy" of it. (In this sentence you say you share her sentiment but everything else you say belies this claim: it seems you don't enjoy the autonomy so much as feel it's safer than your natural inclination to get too close.)
My point is, A is saying she genuinely enjoys a looser, more distant relationship, while you feel you must confine yourself to a distant relationship in order to be safe. There is a marked difference between you both in this regard.
This relationship is working very well for her, because it aligns well with her true needs and her natural inclinations, but it is not at all fulfilling for you, because you've just been fighting against your natural inclinations and suppressing your true desires out of a fear of being hurt.
And into this situation, along comes B. She's someone you dated for a month but have not stopped wanting to be with, someone who "really hurt" you when she broke up with you even though it had only been a month. She sends you one text and boom! You're immediately showing way more emotional engagement than you have with A. You're torn. You're being moved into action. You want to break up with A and run towards B. Where is your desire to keep B at arm's length? Where is your careful need for distance with A is a HUGE and STRIKING contrast with your desire to fully change your life based on just one text from B.
Listen to yourself, OP. Read your own words. Hear what you're trying to tell yourself.
- you're unhappy in your distant relationship with A
- you have unresolved hurts that are crying out to be worked through in therapy or whatever other form of self-work you prefer
- for as long as you don't work on your unresolved hurts, you will be afraid of closeness and intimacy in romantic contexts
- as long as you're afraid of closeness, you will enforce distance out of a desire for safety (rather than a love of distance) which will cause the relationship to feel unfulfilling to you, because you crave closeness
And finally, I also find myself wondering whether your interest in solo poly etc. might be a bit of a red herring. I'm not trying to invalidate you or discourage you from exploring this aspect of your identity. But perhaps you could also explore the possibility that in your current situation, it is much more exciting and comfortable to say, "I am somehow unsatisfied in this relationship with A which meets all my requirements, and egads! I am attracted to B! Perhaps that means I can never find everything I need in one partner and I should explore polyamory," and, in contrast, it's really difficult and uncomfortable for you to acknowledge your obvious lack of emotional connection with A, your ambivalence towards closeness, etc. as the reason for your feelings of dissatisfaction.
posted by MiraK at 9:53 AM on October 4, 2022 [37 favorites]
In terms of what you should do, concretely, I think you should explore your dilemma with the help of a therapist or someone you trust who is good with helping you figure out your feelings. Once you have a little clarity and honesty with yourself, share how you're feeling with A in an open, curious, "This is what's going on with me, I wonder how I should deal with these feelings" way, not a "I have decided to break up with you and explore polyamory" way. Praemunire is spot on: you don't spend two years with someone and just spring a breakup on them out of nowhere. Talk this through with A.
Even aside from honoring your relationship with her, practicing this type of vulnerability and honest intimacy is EXACTLY the antidote to your ambivalence towards closeness.
It may be that she breaks up with you (which you were going to do anyway due to your unhappiness and your interest in poly, no harm no foul), or it may be that she shares your curiosity and you both find some way of working through this (which gives you a much needed experience of how genuine intimacy can strengthen relationships). You have nothing to lose.
Whatever you do, though, please don't run to B on the basis of one text message. She has nothing to do with your problems, except that she has the potential to make them worse.
posted by MiraK at 10:16 AM on October 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
Even aside from honoring your relationship with her, practicing this type of vulnerability and honest intimacy is EXACTLY the antidote to your ambivalence towards closeness.
It may be that she breaks up with you (which you were going to do anyway due to your unhappiness and your interest in poly, no harm no foul), or it may be that she shares your curiosity and you both find some way of working through this (which gives you a much needed experience of how genuine intimacy can strengthen relationships). You have nothing to lose.
Whatever you do, though, please don't run to B on the basis of one text message. She has nothing to do with your problems, except that she has the potential to make them worse.
posted by MiraK at 10:16 AM on October 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
Maybe you genuinely like her but aren’t emotionally mature enough for anything serious
Emotional maturity is about coming to an understanding of who you are as a person, not fitting into some preconceived slot. Deciding you don’t want to be in serious relationships is as valid a position as any other.
It sounds like ‘A’ is pretty happy with the situation as is, so continuing with her seems ethically sound. If you’re fixed on doing solo polyamory then she has made clear that you’ll have to drop things with her.
My own experience with polyamory is that it sounds good but people who can manage it in a healthy fashion are fairly rare. The odds that ‘B’ fits that category aren’t that great, and there’s a possibility that you aren’t well suited for it either. Your guilt about not loving ‘A’ enough bodes a situation where you will be guilty about not loving ‘C’ and ‘D’ equally.
If you want to proceed ethically on the polyamory front then you’ll have to engage it in a serious fashion. ‘A’ needs to be dropped and you need to find and pursue people who have a serious interest. Many of those people will likely be practicing solo polyamory as well so you’ll have to feel okay with being second fiddle occasionally.
My own involvement with a solo polyamorist ended one night when we were comfortably lying in bed and she quite apologetically had to take a phone call from someone she was trying to work out a relationship crisis with. I was very upset that she was interrupting what I considered to be "our" private time and had to admit to myself that I wasn’t OK with being juggled.
Without meaning offense, from what you’ve written it sounds like you too may have trouble juggling and being juggled. You may be better off keeping solo polyamory a fantasy life for the moment.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:42 AM on October 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Emotional maturity is about coming to an understanding of who you are as a person, not fitting into some preconceived slot. Deciding you don’t want to be in serious relationships is as valid a position as any other.
It sounds like ‘A’ is pretty happy with the situation as is, so continuing with her seems ethically sound. If you’re fixed on doing solo polyamory then she has made clear that you’ll have to drop things with her.
My own experience with polyamory is that it sounds good but people who can manage it in a healthy fashion are fairly rare. The odds that ‘B’ fits that category aren’t that great, and there’s a possibility that you aren’t well suited for it either. Your guilt about not loving ‘A’ enough bodes a situation where you will be guilty about not loving ‘C’ and ‘D’ equally.
If you want to proceed ethically on the polyamory front then you’ll have to engage it in a serious fashion. ‘A’ needs to be dropped and you need to find and pursue people who have a serious interest. Many of those people will likely be practicing solo polyamory as well so you’ll have to feel okay with being second fiddle occasionally.
My own involvement with a solo polyamorist ended one night when we were comfortably lying in bed and she quite apologetically had to take a phone call from someone she was trying to work out a relationship crisis with. I was very upset that she was interrupting what I considered to be "our" private time and had to admit to myself that I wasn’t OK with being juggled.
Without meaning offense, from what you’ve written it sounds like you too may have trouble juggling and being juggled. You may be better off keeping solo polyamory a fantasy life for the moment.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:42 AM on October 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
I totally agree that emotional maturity can take on many forms. I also think people fully comfortable with themselves and their choices do not write into AskMeFi for advice about what to choose in a dating situation. And those of us who offer help are likewise coming into our own emotional maturity. This isn’t a criticism as I’m included in both groups but I’m just being real. I think the biggest takeaway from this question is how people are responding with such radically different interpretations and advice. Usually responses are pretty aligned but this question and it’s follow up has been eye-opening. I hope the OP finds something that works well for him!
posted by smorgasbord at 1:16 PM on October 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by smorgasbord at 1:16 PM on October 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hello.
As a person who has been A, the right thing to do here in regard to A is: simply honest and speak to her face to face. That is your obligation to A. She can make her own decisions from there.
In terms of what is right for you? Be honest with yourself and the As and Bs you meet.
Them's the basics on what is the right thing to do.
posted by desert exile at 3:03 PM on October 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
As a person who has been A, the right thing to do here in regard to A is: simply honest and speak to her face to face. That is your obligation to A. She can make her own decisions from there.
In terms of what is right for you? Be honest with yourself and the As and Bs you meet.
Them's the basics on what is the right thing to do.
posted by desert exile at 3:03 PM on October 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
I have often wished I was just entirely alone, unable to hurt others or myself.
Like several commenters above, it seems to me from the way you describe your ideal relationship model that you’re making decisions from a place that’s trying to protect you, a place that is focused on past pain and fear. It is incredibly human to do this! But I hope that you have the chance to talk to a therapist or read some books and think through what you *do* want in relationship to others, so that your decisions are about moving *towards* relationships, romantic and otherwise, that bring you joy and help you live your values.
I’ve been struggling with making decisions from a place of pain and fear for most of my adult life, in work and friendships and family relationships as well as with romantic partners. I have focused so much, SO much, on trying to prevent hurt - the first thought I have after getting into a relationship is always, How can I make the end hurt less? It’s been really powerful for me to reckon with the truth that we are all going to get hurt, no matter what, AND that we are all going to hurt others, no matter what. No relationship model, from the most strictly monogamous to the most wildly open, can prevent that.
A personal take on monogamy vs. open relationship: while I agree with others that it might be worth talking through again with A, I think this is a pretty fundamental incompatibility. If you want an open relationship, partnering with someone who wants monogamy is inevitably going to cause problems. At any given time, at least one partner will be giving up something that matters to meeting their needs, and that is likely to breed resentment.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 3:22 PM on October 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Like several commenters above, it seems to me from the way you describe your ideal relationship model that you’re making decisions from a place that’s trying to protect you, a place that is focused on past pain and fear. It is incredibly human to do this! But I hope that you have the chance to talk to a therapist or read some books and think through what you *do* want in relationship to others, so that your decisions are about moving *towards* relationships, romantic and otherwise, that bring you joy and help you live your values.
I’ve been struggling with making decisions from a place of pain and fear for most of my adult life, in work and friendships and family relationships as well as with romantic partners. I have focused so much, SO much, on trying to prevent hurt - the first thought I have after getting into a relationship is always, How can I make the end hurt less? It’s been really powerful for me to reckon with the truth that we are all going to get hurt, no matter what, AND that we are all going to hurt others, no matter what. No relationship model, from the most strictly monogamous to the most wildly open, can prevent that.
A personal take on monogamy vs. open relationship: while I agree with others that it might be worth talking through again with A, I think this is a pretty fundamental incompatibility. If you want an open relationship, partnering with someone who wants monogamy is inevitably going to cause problems. At any given time, at least one partner will be giving up something that matters to meeting their needs, and that is likely to breed resentment.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 3:22 PM on October 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Just some perspective - in most locations guys in their late thirties doing solo poly are super common. The scene is pretty saturated and if you aren’t really bringing something special you may find it very hard to find a date. That may not be the case everywhere and may not matter to you if it’s hard to get dates. But I think it’s worthwhile talking to people in your local poly scene and really find out what that looks like for yourself.
But after you talk to A. Don’t blindside her.
posted by Bottlecap at 4:19 PM on October 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
But after you talk to A. Don’t blindside her.
posted by Bottlecap at 4:19 PM on October 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
And this is incredibly off-the-mark. Not all women make decisions, small or big, based on desire to have children. Deciding what is good for your female partner based on totally presumptuous ideas about what women want in relation to their choice to be mothers or not is poor advice, and offensive.
Except for the fact that the vast majority of women do end up having children, and OP wrote "I can't shake the feeling that she compromises for my sake, though, and I don't want her to do that."
We know very little about A's actual experience of this relationship, but as an ethical matter, keeping in mind that you are wasting your partner's fertility is not off the mark at all.
posted by haptic_avenger at 5:12 PM on October 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Except for the fact that the vast majority of women do end up having children, and OP wrote "I can't shake the feeling that she compromises for my sake, though, and I don't want her to do that."
We know very little about A's actual experience of this relationship, but as an ethical matter, keeping in mind that you are wasting your partner's fertility is not off the mark at all.
posted by haptic_avenger at 5:12 PM on October 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
I have often wished I was just entirely alone, unable to hurt others or myself.
With respect, you may have fantasized about it and you may enjoy the temporary relief of the fantasy, but if you really wished for it you would have it. this is an eminently fulfillable wish. I don't advise it, but getting rid of people is easier than anything but getting rid of money. when people complain about the burdens of wealth, or about the burden of having too many people who care too much about them, they don't really want to be poor or alone; they aren't even trying to be. but they do want something. you do want something.
I hate myself for not feeling more for A, who is such a wonderful person, and what we have is so close to what I want.
to progress with integrity, you have to adjust your ideas about yourself when your observations do not match your ideals. right now, you are observing that having "what you want" does not make you feel as happy or fulfilled as you might reasonably expect to be. to a lot of people that would suggest that you were wrong about what it was you wanted.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:16 PM on October 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
With respect, you may have fantasized about it and you may enjoy the temporary relief of the fantasy, but if you really wished for it you would have it. this is an eminently fulfillable wish. I don't advise it, but getting rid of people is easier than anything but getting rid of money. when people complain about the burdens of wealth, or about the burden of having too many people who care too much about them, they don't really want to be poor or alone; they aren't even trying to be. but they do want something. you do want something.
I hate myself for not feeling more for A, who is such a wonderful person, and what we have is so close to what I want.
to progress with integrity, you have to adjust your ideas about yourself when your observations do not match your ideals. right now, you are observing that having "what you want" does not make you feel as happy or fulfilled as you might reasonably expect to be. to a lot of people that would suggest that you were wrong about what it was you wanted.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:16 PM on October 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
I really really agree with MiraK's read on this.
When you describe your 'arm's length' situation you used exclusively negative language. You could have said 'Im in this relationship with A, and it's great because we keep our distance, and our lives are independent', but you said 'Im in this relationship with A, however we keep our distance, and our lives aren't very entangled.'. As in, you want the entanglement and closeness. All the things you say you value are framed as negatives. I think it is really likely that if you found yourself relating to B you would experience a similar dynamic.
The likely future for you is to continue pinballing between partners, craving closeness but keeping them at a distance, which though understandable is not a great way to treat people. And I think the right thing to do is to work on this pattern, for the sake of your own happiness, and those that you are close to.
posted by PercussivePaul at 8:53 PM on October 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
When you describe your 'arm's length' situation you used exclusively negative language. You could have said 'Im in this relationship with A, and it's great because we keep our distance, and our lives are independent', but you said 'Im in this relationship with A, however we keep our distance, and our lives aren't very entangled.'. As in, you want the entanglement and closeness. All the things you say you value are framed as negatives. I think it is really likely that if you found yourself relating to B you would experience a similar dynamic.
The likely future for you is to continue pinballing between partners, craving closeness but keeping them at a distance, which though understandable is not a great way to treat people. And I think the right thing to do is to work on this pattern, for the sake of your own happiness, and those that you are close to.
posted by PercussivePaul at 8:53 PM on October 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
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You’re not bad or wrong to feel how you do but, again, this seems like textbook attachment stuff that is worth exploring through reading self-help and/or talking to a therapist. The solo poly stuff is also valid and important to explore but I see this all as related but different. I wish you luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 3:34 AM on October 4, 2022 [5 favorites]