The Case of the Stolen Chicken Nuggets
September 21, 2022 11:21 AM Subscribe
My 12 year old son's grandparents are visiting from out of the country. They dropped off Chik-fil-a at the front desk of his school for him to eat as a surprise lunch. His lunch went missing. Video cameras captured the female perpetrator of the Great Chicken Nugget Caper. As a parent, how should I handle this?
When I first caught wind of the Great Chicken Nugget caper early this afternoon I kind of laughed it off. "Kids will be kids. Chicken Nuggets are delicious!". But the more I thought about it the more I want at minimum an explanation of a possible mixup or an apology to my son from the mastermind of the Nugget heist. Not simply because it was most likely theft but also because I care about the middle school in our community, its students, and I believe it is an exemplary place for kids to learn their way into being little awesome people.
When you drop things off, you write your students name in huge black lettering and attach it to the item. The front desk receptionist confirmed they identified a girl taking the chicken nuggets. She said the school is not responsible for items that are left on the drop-off table. I'm not sure she was supposed to divulge any of that as I have yet to speak to the principal or assistant principal. I'm just not sure what I should do, if anything. My son was offered a free lunch from the cafeteria. I can only imagine my son's disappointment in going from grandparent surprise lunch to green beans and a 2% milk.
There is a learning opportunity in here somewhere, at minimum for my son, and I would love to hear everyone's thoughts on what that might be and what I should do to make sure the opportunity is not lost. I really want to laugh about this with him but that doesn't seem to be the best way to handle this as the parent of a 12 year old boy.
When I first caught wind of the Great Chicken Nugget caper early this afternoon I kind of laughed it off. "Kids will be kids. Chicken Nuggets are delicious!". But the more I thought about it the more I want at minimum an explanation of a possible mixup or an apology to my son from the mastermind of the Nugget heist. Not simply because it was most likely theft but also because I care about the middle school in our community, its students, and I believe it is an exemplary place for kids to learn their way into being little awesome people.
When you drop things off, you write your students name in huge black lettering and attach it to the item. The front desk receptionist confirmed they identified a girl taking the chicken nuggets. She said the school is not responsible for items that are left on the drop-off table. I'm not sure she was supposed to divulge any of that as I have yet to speak to the principal or assistant principal. I'm just not sure what I should do, if anything. My son was offered a free lunch from the cafeteria. I can only imagine my son's disappointment in going from grandparent surprise lunch to green beans and a 2% milk.
There is a learning opportunity in here somewhere, at minimum for my son, and I would love to hear everyone's thoughts on what that might be and what I should do to make sure the opportunity is not lost. I really want to laugh about this with him but that doesn't seem to be the best way to handle this as the parent of a 12 year old boy.
When you drop things off, you write your students name in huge black lettering and attach it to the item.
Did the grandparents do this?
posted by jabes at 11:26 AM on September 21, 2022
Did the grandparents do this?
posted by jabes at 11:26 AM on September 21, 2022
Response by poster: Yes, the thief was another child. Sorry should have been more explicit. If this was an adult I wouldn't even be remotely laughing.
posted by jasondigitized at 11:27 AM on September 21, 2022
posted by jasondigitized at 11:27 AM on September 21, 2022
Response by poster: Yes, the grandparents attached the sticker where you put the student's name on the note. I just received confirmation from principal that the student is facing consequences. Outside of a brief note, I am completely in the dark until I receive a phone call. I'm not trying to solve a crime here, I am trying to figure out how to talk to my son about this at minimum.
posted by jasondigitized at 11:28 AM on September 21, 2022
posted by jasondigitized at 11:28 AM on September 21, 2022
He's twelve? Unless he tells you that X person took it and it's a pattern of bullying, let it go, this doesn't need to be elevated above the level of middle school gossip circles.
This might be an opportunity to talk about why school lunches exist, and that our society is set up so some people can't get the food they need, what a bummer that is for folks who don't have a choice about eating school lunch every day, and that hopefully his lunch was a nice treat for someone who needed it more than he did, and he's lucky to have such a caring family.
posted by momus_window at 11:30 AM on September 21, 2022 [54 favorites]
This might be an opportunity to talk about why school lunches exist, and that our society is set up so some people can't get the food they need, what a bummer that is for folks who don't have a choice about eating school lunch every day, and that hopefully his lunch was a nice treat for someone who needed it more than he did, and he's lucky to have such a caring family.
posted by momus_window at 11:30 AM on September 21, 2022 [54 favorites]
What's the general socioeconomic status in your school community? My immediate thought is to wonder whether the other kid is facing food insecurity at home, and whether or not that's actually the case, recognizing that small infractions may come from dire circumstances may be a good instinct to teach. (I know it probably doesn't feel like a small infraction to him but you know—it's a chicken nugget theft.) If the question is "how do we approach this" I think some combination of "sometimes people make bad choices that hurt others" and "but we don't always know what drives them to make those choices" could be the move.
posted by babelfish at 11:30 AM on September 21, 2022 [15 favorites]
posted by babelfish at 11:30 AM on September 21, 2022 [15 favorites]
I think you need to assume that the other child needed that food, whether because of food insecurity, emotional insecurity, or something else. Buy your son nuggets another time and talk with him about how you're lucky, as a family, to be able to get a treat like this from time to time, because not all families are in the same position as you.
posted by CiaoMela at 11:30 AM on September 21, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by CiaoMela at 11:30 AM on September 21, 2022 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: momus_window, there isn't a single kid in his school that needs a lunch. Without sounding like a complete d*ck, I live in a very cloistered, affluent neighborhood. The only students that attend the school live in that neighborhood.
posted by jasondigitized at 11:32 AM on September 21, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by jasondigitized at 11:32 AM on September 21, 2022 [9 favorites]
Honestly, I would drop it.
A child stole some lunch.
It's been eaten, or disposed of by now.
Your kid doesn't need to know who took it, nor is there a need to speculate why (Were they hungry? were they being mean?)
A small bad thing happened to your kid.
I'd tell him that Grandma and Grandpa dropped off a special lunch but someone must've taken it by mistake.
Oh well. Glad you got lunch anyway, move on.
posted by mmf at 11:32 AM on September 21, 2022 [32 favorites]
A child stole some lunch.
It's been eaten, or disposed of by now.
Your kid doesn't need to know who took it, nor is there a need to speculate why (Were they hungry? were they being mean?)
A small bad thing happened to your kid.
I'd tell him that Grandma and Grandpa dropped off a special lunch but someone must've taken it by mistake.
Oh well. Glad you got lunch anyway, move on.
posted by mmf at 11:32 AM on September 21, 2022 [32 favorites]
I like your focus on how to talk to your own kid about this. What do you want your kid to get out of this experience? For me it would be knowing when to let stuff go, knowing how to have context and empathy for other people, knowing when and how to stand up for yourself.
For me, I would want my kid to receive empathy if they are disappointed, but also learn to let go small offenses. (If this was a situation of another kid specifically targeting them, especially if repeated, I would have a very different message for my kid about getting help and/or standing up for themself).
At root, this is a petty theft by a child, so there is no 'bigger lesson' you need to be involved in. Fight the urge to be a cop here.
posted by latkes at 11:33 AM on September 21, 2022 [7 favorites]
For me, I would want my kid to receive empathy if they are disappointed, but also learn to let go small offenses. (If this was a situation of another kid specifically targeting them, especially if repeated, I would have a very different message for my kid about getting help and/or standing up for themself).
At root, this is a petty theft by a child, so there is no 'bigger lesson' you need to be involved in. Fight the urge to be a cop here.
posted by latkes at 11:33 AM on September 21, 2022 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I would take this an opportunity to teach my kid that sometimes crappy things happen that are beyond our control, but we just have to roll with it and not sweat the small stuff.
"Hey son. It sucks that someone took your chicken nuggets. I bet you felt sad about it, and that's okay. But they're just chicken nuggets, and we can get some more. Let's go to Chik-Fil-A..."
posted by gnutron at 11:34 AM on September 21, 2022 [51 favorites]
"Hey son. It sucks that someone took your chicken nuggets. I bet you felt sad about it, and that's okay. But they're just chicken nuggets, and we can get some more. Let's go to Chik-Fil-A..."
posted by gnutron at 11:34 AM on September 21, 2022 [51 favorites]
So your child knows there was a lunch left for him but then knows it wasn’t there when he went to fetch it?
This sounds like a great chance to learn that it’s nice to be unbothered by small things.
posted by fruitslinger at 11:36 AM on September 21, 2022 [5 favorites]
This sounds like a great chance to learn that it’s nice to be unbothered by small things.
posted by fruitslinger at 11:36 AM on September 21, 2022 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I think some combination of "sometimes people make bad choices that hurt others" and "but we don't always know what drives them to make those choices" could be the move.
This. I mean, we'd prefer to think it was a hungry/sad kid, but it may just be an entitled little jerk-in-training. But it could be either. So it's important to make sure your kid realizes that sometimes people do bad things for understandable reasons. That doesn't mean you should let yourself be walked all over, but it does mean you should try to keep some sense of proportion and be prepared to let some things go.
posted by praemunire at 11:36 AM on September 21, 2022 [27 favorites]
This. I mean, we'd prefer to think it was a hungry/sad kid, but it may just be an entitled little jerk-in-training. But it could be either. So it's important to make sure your kid realizes that sometimes people do bad things for understandable reasons. That doesn't mean you should let yourself be walked all over, but it does mean you should try to keep some sense of proportion and be prepared to let some things go.
posted by praemunire at 11:36 AM on September 21, 2022 [27 favorites]
There isn't a single kid in his school that needs a lunch.... I live in an affluent neighborhood.
You never know what goes on behind closed doors. When a kid does something like this, it's usually because something has gone wrong somewhere. I would tell my kid that it's too bad this happened, and when people take things from us, it is ok to be sad or upset and to have crummy feelings about it. But it's also good to try to find compassion for the people who wrong us, because carrying around those bad feelings can just make you cynical and mad at the world if you let it.
posted by twelve cent archie at 11:37 AM on September 21, 2022 [19 favorites]
You never know what goes on behind closed doors. When a kid does something like this, it's usually because something has gone wrong somewhere. I would tell my kid that it's too bad this happened, and when people take things from us, it is ok to be sad or upset and to have crummy feelings about it. But it's also good to try to find compassion for the people who wrong us, because carrying around those bad feelings can just make you cynical and mad at the world if you let it.
posted by twelve cent archie at 11:37 AM on September 21, 2022 [19 favorites]
Outside of a brief note, I am completely in the dark until I receive a phone call. I'm not trying to solve a crime here, I am trying to figure out how to talk to my son about this at minimum.
You may never know who the child is that took it. they probably will not tell you the punishment.
They wouldn't where my kids went to school.
Sounds like you haven't talked to your child yet. I would wait until you see him and let him lead the conversation where it goes. if he is really upset, confirm that it was wrong for that person to do so, but people do things that hurt other people, sometimes for reasons we don't understand. Babelfish said this well. But don't guess how he feels, he may have already blown it off and moved on to the next thing. Not everything needs to be a teaching moment.
posted by domino at 11:38 AM on September 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
You may never know who the child is that took it. they probably will not tell you the punishment.
They wouldn't where my kids went to school.
Sounds like you haven't talked to your child yet. I would wait until you see him and let him lead the conversation where it goes. if he is really upset, confirm that it was wrong for that person to do so, but people do things that hurt other people, sometimes for reasons we don't understand. Babelfish said this well. But don't guess how he feels, he may have already blown it off and moved on to the next thing. Not everything needs to be a teaching moment.
posted by domino at 11:38 AM on September 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
Well, obviously first you validate whatever feelings your son has about this. Reinforce that people do bad things largely for their own reasons and not as a judgement on him personally.
And while your perspective is that no kid in this school needs a lunch, you cannot possibly know some of the horrors a percentage of kids at this school statistically DO face at home, and that may well include food-policing, especially for girls. You may have no empathy here, but you should, and you should definitely try encouraging your son to have some, if for no other reason than teaching him that anger and feeling wronged are not the only emotions he is allowed to access.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:38 AM on September 21, 2022 [29 favorites]
And while your perspective is that no kid in this school needs a lunch, you cannot possibly know some of the horrors a percentage of kids at this school statistically DO face at home, and that may well include food-policing, especially for girls. You may have no empathy here, but you should, and you should definitely try encouraging your son to have some, if for no other reason than teaching him that anger and feeling wronged are not the only emotions he is allowed to access.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:38 AM on September 21, 2022 [29 favorites]
And while your perspective is that no kid in this school needs a lunch, you cannot possibly know some of the horrors a percentage of kids at this school statistically DO face at home, and that may well include food-policing, especially for girls.
Counter-argument, from my perspective as a formerly bullied child:
Don't try to use this as an empathy teaching moment without first validating his own feelings about the situation. People tried to tell me that it's possible so-and-so who beat me up was having trouble at home, but that only taught me that "so-and-so's feelings are more important than mine and I'm a big baby for being upset about this". You do not want to give your child that complex.
Mind you, it's possible that your kid already is unbothered by this. It's possible your kid was embarrassed that his grandparents did this. It's also possible your kid gave the other kid permission. I would start by feeling out what your son does feel about the situation - and let that guide you.
"Hey buddy, so I heard something about a Chik-fil-a lunch that you didn't get to eat today, what's up with that?"
"Oh, yeah - it was a bummer, but I can go get it myself another time, it's all good."
"Well, okay then!"
vs.
"Hey buddy, so I heard something about a Chik-fil-a lunch that you didn't get to eat today, what's up with that?"
"Yeah - I really wanted it, but this other kid took it, and it's not fair!"
"Wow. Yeah, you're right, it isn't fair. I heard something about the principal looking into it, how do you feel about that?"
"Yeah, I heard that too...I hope they catch the person, I just want them to say sorry."
"Yeah, that sounds like a plan."
vs.
"Hey buddy, so I heard something about a Chik-fil-a lunch that you didn't get to eat today, what's up with that?"
"Yeah - I really wanted it, but this other kid took it, but...her parents are really weird about not letting her have chicken and she kind of freaked out when she saw it, so...I guess I'm okay with it?"
"Huh. Well, lemme know if you wanna talk about it more at all, or if you want me to find out if the school's doing anything."
"Okay, thanks, I'm good though."
vs.
"Hey buddy, so I heard something about a Chik-fil-a lunch that you didn't get to eat today, what's up with that?"
"Yeah - I really wanted it, but this other kid took it, and it's not fair!"
"Wow. Yeah, you're right, it isn't fair. I heard something about the principal looking into it, how do you feel about that?"
"Yeah, I heard that too...I hope they catch the person, 'cos then I wanna beat them up!"
"Er, beating them up would get you in trouble with the principal too, right? I get you're mad, but you don't want to get in trouble yourself, right?"
"Yeah, I guess not...it's not fair though!"
"You're right, it's not. But maybe let's see what the principal does first - maybe they'll give the kid detention?"
"Ooh, yeah, that'd be sweet....heh."
vs.
"Hey buddy, so I heard something about a Chik-fil-a lunch that you didn't get to eat today, what's up with that?"
"Yeah - I really wanted it, but this other kid took it...but I guess I shouldn't be a baby about it, right?"
"Hang on, it's okay to be disappointed about this, that was your lunch and someone took it!"
"...Yeah, I guess? But what can I do? It's just chicken, right?"
"Yeah, but it was your chicken and you have a right to have had it. The principal is figuring out who took it, even - that wasn't fair, and you don't have to just live with it."
"...Wow, the principal is really trying to figure that out? Huh."
You know? See what your kid feels about the situation first, make sure they feel like their own feelings are valid, and give some gentle guidance if those feelings don't seem like they're being expressed in a healthy way.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:01 PM on September 21, 2022 [43 favorites]
Counter-argument, from my perspective as a formerly bullied child:
Don't try to use this as an empathy teaching moment without first validating his own feelings about the situation. People tried to tell me that it's possible so-and-so who beat me up was having trouble at home, but that only taught me that "so-and-so's feelings are more important than mine and I'm a big baby for being upset about this". You do not want to give your child that complex.
Mind you, it's possible that your kid already is unbothered by this. It's possible your kid was embarrassed that his grandparents did this. It's also possible your kid gave the other kid permission. I would start by feeling out what your son does feel about the situation - and let that guide you.
"Hey buddy, so I heard something about a Chik-fil-a lunch that you didn't get to eat today, what's up with that?"
"Oh, yeah - it was a bummer, but I can go get it myself another time, it's all good."
"Well, okay then!"
vs.
"Hey buddy, so I heard something about a Chik-fil-a lunch that you didn't get to eat today, what's up with that?"
"Yeah - I really wanted it, but this other kid took it, and it's not fair!"
"Wow. Yeah, you're right, it isn't fair. I heard something about the principal looking into it, how do you feel about that?"
"Yeah, I heard that too...I hope they catch the person, I just want them to say sorry."
"Yeah, that sounds like a plan."
vs.
"Hey buddy, so I heard something about a Chik-fil-a lunch that you didn't get to eat today, what's up with that?"
"Yeah - I really wanted it, but this other kid took it, but...her parents are really weird about not letting her have chicken and she kind of freaked out when she saw it, so...I guess I'm okay with it?"
"Huh. Well, lemme know if you wanna talk about it more at all, or if you want me to find out if the school's doing anything."
"Okay, thanks, I'm good though."
vs.
"Hey buddy, so I heard something about a Chik-fil-a lunch that you didn't get to eat today, what's up with that?"
"Yeah - I really wanted it, but this other kid took it, and it's not fair!"
"Wow. Yeah, you're right, it isn't fair. I heard something about the principal looking into it, how do you feel about that?"
"Yeah, I heard that too...I hope they catch the person, 'cos then I wanna beat them up!"
"Er, beating them up would get you in trouble with the principal too, right? I get you're mad, but you don't want to get in trouble yourself, right?"
"Yeah, I guess not...it's not fair though!"
"You're right, it's not. But maybe let's see what the principal does first - maybe they'll give the kid detention?"
"Ooh, yeah, that'd be sweet....heh."
vs.
"Hey buddy, so I heard something about a Chik-fil-a lunch that you didn't get to eat today, what's up with that?"
"Yeah - I really wanted it, but this other kid took it...but I guess I shouldn't be a baby about it, right?"
"Hang on, it's okay to be disappointed about this, that was your lunch and someone took it!"
"...Yeah, I guess? But what can I do? It's just chicken, right?"
"Yeah, but it was your chicken and you have a right to have had it. The principal is figuring out who took it, even - that wasn't fair, and you don't have to just live with it."
"...Wow, the principal is really trying to figure that out? Huh."
You know? See what your kid feels about the situation first, make sure they feel like their own feelings are valid, and give some gentle guidance if those feelings don't seem like they're being expressed in a healthy way.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:01 PM on September 21, 2022 [43 favorites]
Assuming your kid was a random target ... , I think the ones you marked as "best answers" have good advice.
I do want to note though that I had "weird" things happen to my stuff at a relatively affluent school and it did actually turn into a pattern of bullying (the main bully was a girl), so just file this event in the back of your mind as a one off for now, but it is not unreasonable to keep an eye out going forward. Hopefully the school knowing who did it will nip whatever it in the bud (no cameras in my day), or will help the school assess a potential problem the child may be having if it is more complicated than the kid just giving in to a momentary temptation.
posted by gudrun at 12:01 PM on September 21, 2022 [4 favorites]
I do want to note though that I had "weird" things happen to my stuff at a relatively affluent school and it did actually turn into a pattern of bullying (the main bully was a girl), so just file this event in the back of your mind as a one off for now, but it is not unreasonable to keep an eye out going forward. Hopefully the school knowing who did it will nip whatever it in the bud (no cameras in my day), or will help the school assess a potential problem the child may be having if it is more complicated than the kid just giving in to a momentary temptation.
posted by gudrun at 12:01 PM on September 21, 2022 [4 favorites]
Best answer: The school isn't going to tell you who the thief is, and they shouldn't. Six years from now, they'll be graduating, and they'll call out the thief's name to receive their diploma, and you'll think "oh, that's the kid who stole my kids chicken nuggets that one time". It doesn't matter. Your kid will probably find out through the grapevine at some point.
I do think you need more details before you can say anything other than "shit happens". Like, the school's "investigation" (scare quotes because it's kind of silly but also does need to be investigated) won't reveal the perp to you, but it should tell you something about the motive, at least. As you can see from these comments, there are a lot of possible motives, ranging from sympathetic (food insecurity) to understandable (mixup) to evil (bullying). Maybe this kid was also expecting family members to drop off Chick-Fil-A, and they were so excited that they didn't look at the name on the bag. Your response to that ("sometimes people make mistakes") would be a lot different than if the thief took the bag because they knew it was your kid's and they wanted to mess with your kid. In the latter case, "shit happens" is not the lesson you want your kid to learn.
It's ironic as hell that I'm the one saying this, but there's also a lesson here for you, which is to be patient and wait for all the facts before reacting. This is at the front of your mind now, and so it's natural for you to be thinking a step ahead, but sometimes you do need to wait for more information. Everyone always uses chess as a metaphor for thinking ahead, but at the beginning of a chess match, if you're playing black, you want to wait to see what white opens with before committing to a defense.
posted by kevinbelt at 12:18 PM on September 21, 2022 [9 favorites]
I do think you need more details before you can say anything other than "shit happens". Like, the school's "investigation" (scare quotes because it's kind of silly but also does need to be investigated) won't reveal the perp to you, but it should tell you something about the motive, at least. As you can see from these comments, there are a lot of possible motives, ranging from sympathetic (food insecurity) to understandable (mixup) to evil (bullying). Maybe this kid was also expecting family members to drop off Chick-Fil-A, and they were so excited that they didn't look at the name on the bag. Your response to that ("sometimes people make mistakes") would be a lot different than if the thief took the bag because they knew it was your kid's and they wanted to mess with your kid. In the latter case, "shit happens" is not the lesson you want your kid to learn.
It's ironic as hell that I'm the one saying this, but there's also a lesson here for you, which is to be patient and wait for all the facts before reacting. This is at the front of your mind now, and so it's natural for you to be thinking a step ahead, but sometimes you do need to wait for more information. Everyone always uses chess as a metaphor for thinking ahead, but at the beginning of a chess match, if you're playing black, you want to wait to see what white opens with before committing to a defense.
posted by kevinbelt at 12:18 PM on September 21, 2022 [9 favorites]
I would not try to make this a way to learn empathy for the possible circumstances of the perpetrator--having your lunch stolen sucks, and it sucks worse if it's a present from your grandparents, and it sucks even more if you have to hear about how the person who stole from you might be justified because they are starving or abused or queer or might have a rare disease where they can only eat chicken nuggets in BBQ sauce, I don't know.
The result of such a lecture will probably not be a greater understanding of the sufferings of mankind but "Dad will defend that stupid girl who stole my lunch, but he won't defend me. Thanks, Dad."
Without knowing more about your son, whether he knows the girl, the school setup, etc. I can't give more advice except... buy him another round of nuggets.
posted by kingdead at 12:30 PM on September 21, 2022 [16 favorites]
The result of such a lecture will probably not be a greater understanding of the sufferings of mankind but "Dad will defend that stupid girl who stole my lunch, but he won't defend me. Thanks, Dad."
Without knowing more about your son, whether he knows the girl, the school setup, etc. I can't give more advice except... buy him another round of nuggets.
posted by kingdead at 12:30 PM on September 21, 2022 [16 favorites]
Counter-argument, from my perspective as a formerly bullied child:
Don't try to use this as an empathy teaching moment without first validating his own feelings
Literally my first paragraph, which you did not quote, says "Well, obviously first you validate whatever feelings..."
To re-make my point: you can talk about how shitty things happen and they aren't fair and what to do to honor and process those feelings in a healthy way, and also about how we have to leave a gap between injury and retribution to leave room for both empathy and an incredibly problematic justice system that will exploit if at all possible.
That also leaves space to not make any promises that school administration is going to provide anything that either feels like justice to the person who was wronged or actually achieves any sort of positive outcome for everyone involved, because you can't count on schools to do that. Given how schools work, it is just as likely that the outcome here will be that nobody can get lunch brought to them anymore, rather than a person learning not to steal other people's lunches or facing any consequences for doing so.
OP should be suspicious of the exploitation angle specifically, given that someone was willing to give information they absolutely should not have done, which suggests that person at least either perceives OP as high-status or the perpetrator to be low-status, or both. If that child's parents were perceived to be higher-status, that information would not have been given out except via the proper channels.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:36 PM on September 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
Don't try to use this as an empathy teaching moment without first validating his own feelings
Literally my first paragraph, which you did not quote, says "Well, obviously first you validate whatever feelings..."
To re-make my point: you can talk about how shitty things happen and they aren't fair and what to do to honor and process those feelings in a healthy way, and also about how we have to leave a gap between injury and retribution to leave room for both empathy and an incredibly problematic justice system that will exploit if at all possible.
That also leaves space to not make any promises that school administration is going to provide anything that either feels like justice to the person who was wronged or actually achieves any sort of positive outcome for everyone involved, because you can't count on schools to do that. Given how schools work, it is just as likely that the outcome here will be that nobody can get lunch brought to them anymore, rather than a person learning not to steal other people's lunches or facing any consequences for doing so.
OP should be suspicious of the exploitation angle specifically, given that someone was willing to give information they absolutely should not have done, which suggests that person at least either perceives OP as high-status or the perpetrator to be low-status, or both. If that child's parents were perceived to be higher-status, that information would not have been given out except via the proper channels.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:36 PM on September 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
yeah this is not the time for a lecture about how the nugget thief was probably a reincarnation of Jean Valjean.
Just tell your kid that people sometimes steal, especially when tempting things are unguarded, and it sucks, and that you're sorry it happened, and get him some nuggets. I'm baffled that this is even a question. (And yeah it's fine for your kid to learn that when tempting things are left unguarded, they get stolen. If he learns this lesson now with an order of nuggets, maybe it'll prevent something important getting stolen in the future.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:37 PM on September 21, 2022 [9 favorites]
Just tell your kid that people sometimes steal, especially when tempting things are unguarded, and it sucks, and that you're sorry it happened, and get him some nuggets. I'm baffled that this is even a question. (And yeah it's fine for your kid to learn that when tempting things are left unguarded, they get stolen. If he learns this lesson now with an order of nuggets, maybe it'll prevent something important getting stolen in the future.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:37 PM on September 21, 2022 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I think the overall thing I would have wanted someone to teach me at that age is not jumping to conclusions. Like we can all make up reasons that it happened but the truth is that we don’t know. And learning to sit with a question about why something happened to me and learning to sit with and sooth disappointment would have helped me IMMENSELY throughout my life. I’m still trying to learn how to sit with disappointment and uncertainty! Having that modeled would be such a gift you could give your kid.
posted by Bottlecap at 12:38 PM on September 21, 2022 [34 favorites]
posted by Bottlecap at 12:38 PM on September 21, 2022 [34 favorites]
You can teach anger and retribution or compassion and perspective, in various measures. Some lessons:
Stealing is bad and has consequences for the person you stole from.
If a person is hungry, feeding them is a blessing/ Good Act.
Some people are entitled jerks; let's not be like that.
Justice is complicated.
Mostly, your grandparents did a sweet thing, you're so lucky to have them in your life.
posted by theora55 at 12:41 PM on September 21, 2022 [6 favorites]
Stealing is bad and has consequences for the person you stole from.
If a person is hungry, feeding them is a blessing/ Good Act.
Some people are entitled jerks; let's not be like that.
Justice is complicated.
Mostly, your grandparents did a sweet thing, you're so lucky to have them in your life.
posted by theora55 at 12:41 PM on September 21, 2022 [6 favorites]
I would start by feeling out what your son does feel about the situation - and let that guide you.This. I distinctly remember the experience of being 12, and I am certain I already knew by then that sometimes people do things that hurt other people in both mild and huge ways, for both valid and ridiculous reasons. If your child reads the news at all, he knows that. If he's made it this far through school, he definitely knows that. This is something I anticipate coming up for, like, a 7 year old, perhaps, but unless your child is in some sort of unique sheltered environment, or expresses some deeper feelings about it, I am not sure he needs anything more than a shared laugh?
posted by redlines at 12:59 PM on September 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
I also would do nothing. If kid still wants ChikFilA, take him there.
posted by The_Vegetables at 1:07 PM on September 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by The_Vegetables at 1:07 PM on September 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
I think your priority should be reassuring the principal that you have no desire for retribution or any negative consequences for the other student, and that you think the school's response should focus exclusively on what’s good for that student.
Affluent families are more likely to withhold food from kids they see as overweight than poor ones, and you can’t know what that little girl might be dealing with at home. And if her patents are limiting her food at home, they may well be asking the school to play along.
For your own kid, maybe an outing with the grandparents to eat food you all really like, and a celebration of how much you all love each other, and a toast to the other student in the hope they enjoyed it and have people who love them too.
posted by jamjam at 1:25 PM on September 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
Affluent families are more likely to withhold food from kids they see as overweight than poor ones, and you can’t know what that little girl might be dealing with at home. And if her patents are limiting her food at home, they may well be asking the school to play along.
For your own kid, maybe an outing with the grandparents to eat food you all really like, and a celebration of how much you all love each other, and a toast to the other student in the hope they enjoyed it and have people who love them too.
posted by jamjam at 1:25 PM on September 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
I don't think a middle school kid has to learn automatic noblesse oblige from having his chicken nuggets stolen by a peer.
posted by ojocaliente at 1:42 PM on September 21, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by ojocaliente at 1:42 PM on September 21, 2022 [9 favorites]
I can’t see making a huge deal out of this or demanding an apology. This seems like a time for “hey, I’m sorry this disappointing thing happened, let’s get a different treat instead” and modeling some resiliency in moving on from a small disappointment with some uncertainty attached to it.
And perhaps a discussion with the school about the general policy of leaving stuff on some sort of unmonitored drop off table. That seems like a recipe for this sort of thing happening and maybe they need a better process.
posted by Stacey at 1:51 PM on September 21, 2022 [7 favorites]
And perhaps a discussion with the school about the general policy of leaving stuff on some sort of unmonitored drop off table. That seems like a recipe for this sort of thing happening and maybe they need a better process.
posted by Stacey at 1:51 PM on September 21, 2022 [7 favorites]
12 year old boy? Honestly, I think making anything approaching a big deal about this might be pretty cringey and uncomfortable for a kid that age, unless you know they've been really upset or annoyed by it, or have some evidence of an inappropriate/disproportionate reaction (i.e., getting revenge, starting shit at school, etc.). Keep an eye on things just in case this is part of a broader pattern of bullying, but honestly, I think you're good with just going with "wow, that sucks, I bet you were pretty annoyed and disappointed, I know I would be. Let me make it up to you, we dine on chicken nuggets tonight!" Because, like, sometimes grown-ass adults pull the lunch-stealing move in office kitchens or shared housing! You can just laugh about that with your kid and model resiliency in the face of small disappointments like this. Follow your kid's lead in terms of whether they want to talk about it further, but absent other extenuating circumstances, I don't think this needs to be a big teaching moment.
Also, I agree with Bottlecap above that it's important not to jump to conclusions. Like others in this thread, I could come up with all manner of stories and justifications for another kid perpetrating lunch theft, but I don't know that that's an important life lesson to impart at this juncture. Compassion is, sure, but outright speculation and jumping to conclusions? I think it's more valuable to learn to sit with, accept, and move on from the disappointment of a minor setback like this than it is to ruminate on potential motives and tragic backstories and turn it into a whole big deal.
posted by yasaman at 2:03 PM on September 21, 2022 [6 favorites]
Also, I agree with Bottlecap above that it's important not to jump to conclusions. Like others in this thread, I could come up with all manner of stories and justifications for another kid perpetrating lunch theft, but I don't know that that's an important life lesson to impart at this juncture. Compassion is, sure, but outright speculation and jumping to conclusions? I think it's more valuable to learn to sit with, accept, and move on from the disappointment of a minor setback like this than it is to ruminate on potential motives and tragic backstories and turn it into a whole big deal.
posted by yasaman at 2:03 PM on September 21, 2022 [6 favorites]
(I feel like this might be more of a disappointment than an ordinary loss of nuggets would be, because it was a special surprise from the visiting grandparents.)
posted by praemunire at 2:21 PM on September 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 2:21 PM on September 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
So many good points above but I also remember at that age doing some pretty wack things just because I was sort of figuring out what my powers were and how to use them (good or evil?). And I was also pretty shocked at what adults caught me doing because I assumed I was invisible and/or incredibly sneaky. I definitely had shit going on at home which, now that I'm an adult, I recognize as pretty shocking but to all outside views I had a very normal middle class life going on. Also, green beans and milk are fine though, obviously, not the delicious expectation of fast food in the middle of a school day! The disappointment is high as is the oddity but I like the sample conversations above. Let your kid lead, don't tell them how to feel but also do your best to model an attitude of equanimity if at all possible.
posted by amanda at 2:28 PM on September 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by amanda at 2:28 PM on September 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
I would just feel it out for now.
The immediate lesson, afaic, is “sometimes bad things happen and there aren’t any immediately satisfying answers”. The school’s policy is what it is, and as members of that community, it’s important to respect their processes - until and unless they’re shown to be unjust, at which point of course challenge them (and I hope you do if it’s needed). Maybe the offender is a jerk, maybe they’ve got an impulse disorder, maybe they’re a bully. You don’t know. So, “wait and see”.
However, listen to your kid, and if he offers any hint of being bullied (by the perp or someone else), now or two months from now, he needs to learn to stand up for himself effectively. Definitely a critical life skill.
(I’m not a parent, and 12 was too long ago for me to remember how things worked or speculate as to a developmentally and socially appropriate strategy. But status games, and the need for self-assertion - and the cost of humiliation - all play out for much of life as far as I can tell.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:40 PM on September 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
The immediate lesson, afaic, is “sometimes bad things happen and there aren’t any immediately satisfying answers”. The school’s policy is what it is, and as members of that community, it’s important to respect their processes - until and unless they’re shown to be unjust, at which point of course challenge them (and I hope you do if it’s needed). Maybe the offender is a jerk, maybe they’ve got an impulse disorder, maybe they’re a bully. You don’t know. So, “wait and see”.
However, listen to your kid, and if he offers any hint of being bullied (by the perp or someone else), now or two months from now, he needs to learn to stand up for himself effectively. Definitely a critical life skill.
(I’m not a parent, and 12 was too long ago for me to remember how things worked or speculate as to a developmentally and socially appropriate strategy. But status games, and the need for self-assertion - and the cost of humiliation - all play out for much of life as far as I can tell.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:40 PM on September 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
Mod note: Hi folks - please just answer the question and don't bring chick-fil-a's horrible politics into this. Thanks.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 3:02 PM on September 21, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 3:02 PM on September 21, 2022 [6 favorites]
Is this asking whether or not to pursue punishment of the nugget thief? Do you think the school would do anything about that since they apparently literally have who it was on camera? Or are they being all "caveat emptor, stolen lunch is not our problem?" Kinda sounds like the latter. Honestly, I don't know what to suggest on that front. The school frankly may not care, but you could ask if it really bothers you--I'd just have low expectations of what results from it. That they have a *camera* on it makes me wonder if they may take it more seriously than expected. But at any rate, what would you want out of pursing this as an issue? Do you want the girl punished/get detention? She buys him more nuggets out of her allowance?
Other than that, shit happens and even adults get their lunches stolen (just ask Ask A Manager) from time to time. As someone else said, get him some more chicken nuggets-- outside of school time. It sucks, but sucky shit happens all the time. You drop your lunch, a bird shits in it on your birthday--things happen.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:18 PM on September 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
Other than that, shit happens and even adults get their lunches stolen (just ask Ask A Manager) from time to time. As someone else said, get him some more chicken nuggets-- outside of school time. It sucks, but sucky shit happens all the time. You drop your lunch, a bird shits in it on your birthday--things happen.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:18 PM on September 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
If you do live in an affluent neighbourhood, maybe temper the "other people might be going through bad stuff so you just have to move on when they do bad stuff" chat with a healthy dose of "but also, rich people are disproportionately more likely to be selfish dicks who commit a range of "small" crimes with impunity, and you should remember how this feels and never, ever do the same thing". Because there's a non-zero chance that the lesson "don't sweat the small stuff" becomes "stealing is just small stuff, so I won't sweat it".
posted by some little punk in a rocket at 5:48 PM on September 21, 2022 [14 favorites]
posted by some little punk in a rocket at 5:48 PM on September 21, 2022 [14 favorites]
I have a 13 year old boy and I think I would just let him lead the whole conversation. If he said something about his special lunch not being there or eating school lunch, I would enquire and let him tell me about it.
You can remember 12. He will remember this... it is an age where you start to have autonomy and for small things you start to take care of problems yourself. Which he did, he ate a different lunch. Let him be the main focus of the adventure and let him interpret it. Obviously, as you learn more about actually happened your support may change but today just listen to your kid.
Listening today will make him more likely to come to you with problems that are not reported by the school.
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 6:24 PM on September 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
You can remember 12. He will remember this... it is an age where you start to have autonomy and for small things you start to take care of problems yourself. Which he did, he ate a different lunch. Let him be the main focus of the adventure and let him interpret it. Obviously, as you learn more about actually happened your support may change but today just listen to your kid.
Listening today will make him more likely to come to you with problems that are not reported by the school.
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 6:24 PM on September 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
I would try to resist the desire to know which kid did it, and I would do my best to ensure my child did not find out which kid did it. That kid might be in quite a shitty situation and I would not want to make it worse. And remind kiddo it was just ONE kid.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:25 PM on September 21, 2022
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:25 PM on September 21, 2022
Many kids at twelve years old do not have the impulse control to stop themselves from stealing things. Many of them do, and most of them have a degree of control that will stop them from swiping things when it will be obvious that they took it. But leaving high value items in sight of unsupervised kids is going to lead to things getting swiped.
This means that it is unfair for adults to leave things where kids of that age will be tempted to swipe them, and think they can get away with it. Obviously the kid that swiped the nuggets was in the wrong, but kids are going to kid.
They caught the kid on video? The kid is getting in trouble? It was an inexpensive consumable?
After validating my kid's feelings and making sure he was comfortable expressing them, my take would be to shake my head and say, "What an idiot. Well, with luck they'll grow out of that behaviour soon." The thing to stress is that someone behaved immaturely and they are facing consequences for it but that it's no big deal and they will likely grow out of it.
Sometimes you give your child the object lesson of not replacing things that they left unattended but not in this case. I would replace the nuggets at some time in a way that made them a little bit special, since the ones that got lost were a bit special. Make a special trip to take him out and get another set of nuggets, at a time when he would ordinarily be having a boring not special lunch. And make it specifically for him, so the rest of you can eat canned soup for lunch on Saturday and he can have a new bag of nuggets.
posted by Jane the Brown at 12:19 AM on September 22, 2022 [2 favorites]
This means that it is unfair for adults to leave things where kids of that age will be tempted to swipe them, and think they can get away with it. Obviously the kid that swiped the nuggets was in the wrong, but kids are going to kid.
They caught the kid on video? The kid is getting in trouble? It was an inexpensive consumable?
After validating my kid's feelings and making sure he was comfortable expressing them, my take would be to shake my head and say, "What an idiot. Well, with luck they'll grow out of that behaviour soon." The thing to stress is that someone behaved immaturely and they are facing consequences for it but that it's no big deal and they will likely grow out of it.
Sometimes you give your child the object lesson of not replacing things that they left unattended but not in this case. I would replace the nuggets at some time in a way that made them a little bit special, since the ones that got lost were a bit special. Make a special trip to take him out and get another set of nuggets, at a time when he would ordinarily be having a boring not special lunch. And make it specifically for him, so the rest of you can eat canned soup for lunch on Saturday and he can have a new bag of nuggets.
posted by Jane the Brown at 12:19 AM on September 22, 2022 [2 favorites]
Lot of good answers above. My two cents is that it's been a great life skill for me to be able to soothe my own anger by making up the most sympathetic story possible. That guy who cut you off on the highway was racing to take someone to the hospital. The litter in the park was unknowingly and accidentally dropped. Etc. Yes, I acknowledge the feelings, but when I want to cheer myself up I can (or used to be able to for several decades).
posted by slidell at 10:16 PM on September 22, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by slidell at 10:16 PM on September 22, 2022 [2 favorites]
A little late to your question but a thought...
Just questioning your affluent parent =/ starving child, abuse is not money dependent and can happen in any home. Food restriction is common tactic. Even if it's not "abuse" many young girls are forced into "diets" but their well meaning parents to fit into society.
posted by Lesium at 9:18 PM on September 24, 2022
Just questioning your affluent parent =/ starving child, abuse is not money dependent and can happen in any home. Food restriction is common tactic. Even if it's not "abuse" many young girls are forced into "diets" but their well meaning parents to fit into society.
posted by Lesium at 9:18 PM on September 24, 2022
I would devote my energy to convincing the school that students shouldn't get to have special lunches dropped off for them. Middle school is not a great place for twelve-year-old boys to learn about their privilege over bags of chicken takeout, or for their peers to experience that privilege.
Takeout deliveries to middle schools is icky. Ask the grandparents to take him out for dinner instead.
posted by Scarf Joint at 9:47 AM on September 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
Takeout deliveries to middle schools is icky. Ask the grandparents to take him out for dinner instead.
posted by Scarf Joint at 9:47 AM on September 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by amanda at 11:22 AM on September 21, 2022 [4 favorites]