How to give a crap when I have no craps to give right now?
August 31, 2022 10:59 PM Subscribe
I nearly lost one of my closest friends in a freak accident. And now I can't bring myself to care about work when I really need to be focused on it, and should be putting in a lot more hours. All I want to do is spend time with my loved ones. But work is piling up in the meantime - how to force myself to get stuff done?
Without giving away too many identifying details, one of my best friends since childhood was nearly killed in a sudden accident that no one could've seen coming. Some other people did lose their lives - may they rest in peace - and my friend is still in the hospital weeks later with potentially life-altering injuries. It's been very difficult for her and her loved ones to say the least.
I suppose I started looking at life in a different light since that day. I realized that I've lost patience for people getting all worked up over things that are, in the grand scheme of things, small potatoes. My colleagues keep describing their projects, deadlines, etc. as "critical" and I can't stand it. An employee made a costly error, and it's been fussed over for days as an "emergency." The higher-ups refuse to accept that there is no solution, and I want to scream at them that some things just can't be undone.
One of my teammates is away on holiday this week and while I am very happy for her as she more than deserves a break, I am struggling to put the extra hours in to cover for her absence. I want to have dinner with my husband. I want to spend more time with my friends and family. I want to take care of my health, both mental and physical. How can I take my well-being for granted when my friend is fighting for hers.
I don't want to use what happened to my friend as an excuse for being lazy, and I don't want to make this all about myself... I hope that's not what's happening here. I'm fortunate to have the job that I do, it was very much a dream job for me when I first pursued it. Work is simply the last thing I care about right now, at a "critical" (lol) point where I really need to maintain a sense of motivation. Instead I fear that I may flip my desk over the next time someone sends me a snippy email about some imaginary "emergency" that was probably of their own doing.
How can I push aside these feelings which ebb between indifference and disdain? I really need to find my focus and push through the next week, at least until my teammate gets back to work.
Without giving away too many identifying details, one of my best friends since childhood was nearly killed in a sudden accident that no one could've seen coming. Some other people did lose their lives - may they rest in peace - and my friend is still in the hospital weeks later with potentially life-altering injuries. It's been very difficult for her and her loved ones to say the least.
I suppose I started looking at life in a different light since that day. I realized that I've lost patience for people getting all worked up over things that are, in the grand scheme of things, small potatoes. My colleagues keep describing their projects, deadlines, etc. as "critical" and I can't stand it. An employee made a costly error, and it's been fussed over for days as an "emergency." The higher-ups refuse to accept that there is no solution, and I want to scream at them that some things just can't be undone.
One of my teammates is away on holiday this week and while I am very happy for her as she more than deserves a break, I am struggling to put the extra hours in to cover for her absence. I want to have dinner with my husband. I want to spend more time with my friends and family. I want to take care of my health, both mental and physical. How can I take my well-being for granted when my friend is fighting for hers.
I don't want to use what happened to my friend as an excuse for being lazy, and I don't want to make this all about myself... I hope that's not what's happening here. I'm fortunate to have the job that I do, it was very much a dream job for me when I first pursued it. Work is simply the last thing I care about right now, at a "critical" (lol) point where I really need to maintain a sense of motivation. Instead I fear that I may flip my desk over the next time someone sends me a snippy email about some imaginary "emergency" that was probably of their own doing.
How can I push aside these feelings which ebb between indifference and disdain? I really need to find my focus and push through the next week, at least until my teammate gets back to work.
You're not lazy. You're a complex person with life happening. I'm lucky enough to work for an employer that understands family comes first and that, over time, your productivity will wax and wane.
How lucky your other coworkers are to imagine that their work emergency is so important... Let them enjoy that innocence.
My advice?
Go to dinner with your husband. Enjoy time with friends and family. Focus only on the essential at work. I believe, as work is always there, things will shake out alright in the end...
Of course, if you are at risk if losing your job if balls are dropped, this advice doesn't work. In that case, acknowledge that your priorities have shifted, and that keeping your job enables you to do the things you love with the people you love.
posted by skunk pig at 11:34 PM on August 31, 2022 [3 favorites]
How lucky your other coworkers are to imagine that their work emergency is so important... Let them enjoy that innocence.
My advice?
Go to dinner with your husband. Enjoy time with friends and family. Focus only on the essential at work. I believe, as work is always there, things will shake out alright in the end...
Of course, if you are at risk if losing your job if balls are dropped, this advice doesn't work. In that case, acknowledge that your priorities have shifted, and that keeping your job enables you to do the things you love with the people you love.
posted by skunk pig at 11:34 PM on August 31, 2022 [3 favorites]
I can tell you that I was unable to push through in similar circumstances and trying to do so without taking a break quite literally cost me both my job and my health. When I finally did approach my workplace about needing to take some time months later it was far too late to recover. In retrospect I can see that for a business there is never a good time for you as an employee to have an emergency, especially now with everyone having switched to lean staffing. To which I say, tough tits. Sometimes more than one of your employees is going to be out. And you need to take time for your family emergency. Honestly, even if it costs your job. Because in my experience, it’ll cost your job not to take the time and part of your soul, too.
posted by Bottlecap at 11:40 PM on August 31, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by Bottlecap at 11:40 PM on August 31, 2022 [9 favorites]
I agree with trying to take time anyway and treating you situation as deserving of that (it is). You are obviously conscientious and put in lots of effort at work, and I doubt you're at any risk of using anything as an excuse to be lazy.
To the extent that you are still working, maybe try tips for improving executive function in times of difficulty? I know there are many Ask questions about this. Intense feelings are unhelpful to cognitive work. Simplifying, writing things down, making things visible, breaking them into smaller chunks, all could be useful. This could also help identify the genuinely urgent from fake emergencies. The anger/irritation reaction could be your body ramping up the dopamine to try to get the things done.
Even if you don't actually take time off, if you can tell your colleagues you are having a hard time, it might help at least in relation to your expectations of yourself. If you are able to, you could set an auto-reply indicating you may take longer to respond to emails.
posted by lookoutbelow at 3:49 AM on September 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
To the extent that you are still working, maybe try tips for improving executive function in times of difficulty? I know there are many Ask questions about this. Intense feelings are unhelpful to cognitive work. Simplifying, writing things down, making things visible, breaking them into smaller chunks, all could be useful. This could also help identify the genuinely urgent from fake emergencies. The anger/irritation reaction could be your body ramping up the dopamine to try to get the things done.
Even if you don't actually take time off, if you can tell your colleagues you are having a hard time, it might help at least in relation to your expectations of yourself. If you are able to, you could set an auto-reply indicating you may take longer to respond to emails.
posted by lookoutbelow at 3:49 AM on September 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Work-to-rule until your colleague returns and see how many of these table-flipping emergencies disappear from your desk.
When things like this happen, where we are confronted with the fragility of life and forced to reckon with our priorities, it changes us. It might be that a job you were giving 150% to is now just a job. Both things are okay, because you have changed as a person and what worked for that you doesn’t work for this you. Or it might be that things like your patience and priorities have only changed temporarily while you process this traumatic confrontation with mortality, and you’ll go back to pretty much how you were before in a few months. Either way, it’s okay to change your behavior to fit the person you are now. It’s not lazy, or selfish, or somehow discounting the bad experience of your friend. It’s a natural response. Ask anybody who has changed after a cancer diagnosis or the death of a parent.
posted by Mizu at 4:14 AM on September 1, 2022 [7 favorites]
When things like this happen, where we are confronted with the fragility of life and forced to reckon with our priorities, it changes us. It might be that a job you were giving 150% to is now just a job. Both things are okay, because you have changed as a person and what worked for that you doesn’t work for this you. Or it might be that things like your patience and priorities have only changed temporarily while you process this traumatic confrontation with mortality, and you’ll go back to pretty much how you were before in a few months. Either way, it’s okay to change your behavior to fit the person you are now. It’s not lazy, or selfish, or somehow discounting the bad experience of your friend. It’s a natural response. Ask anybody who has changed after a cancer diagnosis or the death of a parent.
posted by Mizu at 4:14 AM on September 1, 2022 [7 favorites]
Please don't try to push the feelings down (overall).
I think it would be a good idea to take some time off and grieve - I know you have not lost your friend, but you have seen losses and of course your friend is going through a profound loss. I would recommend anything you can do to complete the stress cycle, particularly physical activity and maybe a ritual of mourning and then healing. Something like a long weekend to go somewhere and walk by the shore kind of thing might really help. (I have another piece of practical advice below.)
I'll just share a similar time in my life. The summer after I lost my daughter I attended a week-long writing workshop, thinking that talking about our books would be a welcome respite. I didn't realize how many freaking people talk about 'birthing' their novel, that their novel is their 'baby,' that works that didn't work out were 'stillborn' and so on and so forth.
It really is part of how many humans (not all cultures, but certainly ours) express themselves. In modern business where "productivity" experts have cut to the bone, both the language and the stress of emergencies have been injected because no one seems to get points in certain spheres for...calmly taking a walk, planning ahead, and having lots of people to complete projects or do things in a rational way. You're only a hero if there's a crisis.
What helped me eventually was a kind of variation on a lovingkindness meditation. Whenever anyone would use the language of (for me) death, I would experience that sense of "you. have. no. effing. idea" but then I would think forcefully "...and I'm so glad for you." I sort of thought of it like people walk around all the time with skins on in a kind of innocence, and I was flayed...but I tried to be really honestly joyful for them that they could be unaware.
I didn't say anything about productivity or joy in your work because I don't think this is a *work* problem. It's a human problem. As you work through your own feelings the rest will come back.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:38 AM on September 1, 2022 [9 favorites]
I think it would be a good idea to take some time off and grieve - I know you have not lost your friend, but you have seen losses and of course your friend is going through a profound loss. I would recommend anything you can do to complete the stress cycle, particularly physical activity and maybe a ritual of mourning and then healing. Something like a long weekend to go somewhere and walk by the shore kind of thing might really help. (I have another piece of practical advice below.)
I'll just share a similar time in my life. The summer after I lost my daughter I attended a week-long writing workshop, thinking that talking about our books would be a welcome respite. I didn't realize how many freaking people talk about 'birthing' their novel, that their novel is their 'baby,' that works that didn't work out were 'stillborn' and so on and so forth.
It really is part of how many humans (not all cultures, but certainly ours) express themselves. In modern business where "productivity" experts have cut to the bone, both the language and the stress of emergencies have been injected because no one seems to get points in certain spheres for...calmly taking a walk, planning ahead, and having lots of people to complete projects or do things in a rational way. You're only a hero if there's a crisis.
What helped me eventually was a kind of variation on a lovingkindness meditation. Whenever anyone would use the language of (for me) death, I would experience that sense of "you. have. no. effing. idea" but then I would think forcefully "...and I'm so glad for you." I sort of thought of it like people walk around all the time with skins on in a kind of innocence, and I was flayed...but I tried to be really honestly joyful for them that they could be unaware.
I didn't say anything about productivity or joy in your work because I don't think this is a *work* problem. It's a human problem. As you work through your own feelings the rest will come back.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:38 AM on September 1, 2022 [9 favorites]
If I was talking to myself through this question ("How to force myself to get stuff done?"), I'd tell myself:
You can't. You are not 100% because your friend almost died. There are real physical impacts of this on you that you can't control. (i.e., you can't focus; can't get work done.) That's ok.
Accept that you are not 100%.
With the knowedge that you are not 100%:
1. Assess what you need to get back to 100% (or even just get through the day). Is it logging off at 6pm so you can get home for dinner and get a good nights sleep? Is it taking 24 hours off to process? Is it setting a specific day in the future that you will process? Trust what you hear from yourself as right.
2. Assess how the answer to 1 affects the work and deadlines. Who needs to know that you are not 100%? Who can help meet deadlines that can't be missed? How would you approach this with your company/team if you were sick with COVID? Do that.
3. With the time that you are able to work, do the best that you can do. Be aware that your best today will likely be less than your best on a day that you are 100%. And, that's ok.
--
Anyways, that is what I'd like to think I'd tell myself.
I'm hoping for the best for your friend's recovery and for you.
posted by bruinfan at 8:20 AM on September 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
You can't. You are not 100% because your friend almost died. There are real physical impacts of this on you that you can't control. (i.e., you can't focus; can't get work done.) That's ok.
Accept that you are not 100%.
With the knowedge that you are not 100%:
1. Assess what you need to get back to 100% (or even just get through the day). Is it logging off at 6pm so you can get home for dinner and get a good nights sleep? Is it taking 24 hours off to process? Is it setting a specific day in the future that you will process? Trust what you hear from yourself as right.
2. Assess how the answer to 1 affects the work and deadlines. Who needs to know that you are not 100%? Who can help meet deadlines that can't be missed? How would you approach this with your company/team if you were sick with COVID? Do that.
3. With the time that you are able to work, do the best that you can do. Be aware that your best today will likely be less than your best on a day that you are 100%. And, that's ok.
--
Anyways, that is what I'd like to think I'd tell myself.
I'm hoping for the best for your friend's recovery and for you.
posted by bruinfan at 8:20 AM on September 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Does your employer offer an employee assistance program that offers short term therapy for no cost? That would be a perfect use of that. I've been in long term therapy, which is one thing, and I also once took advantage of the EAP to help me figure out something in the short term, and it was perfect for that. I encourage you to look into that, as I think it will help a bunch.
Also, go ahead and schedule time off, even a day or two, for after your coworker is back. Longer would be better. I'd suggest you spend some time in nature, which can feel incredibly restorative, in addition to tending to your physical health and family and friends.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:33 PM on September 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Also, go ahead and schedule time off, even a day or two, for after your coworker is back. Longer would be better. I'd suggest you spend some time in nature, which can feel incredibly restorative, in addition to tending to your physical health and family and friends.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:33 PM on September 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
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Just think, if it had been you who had the accident (god forbid), your workplace would not have ground to a halt just because both you and your teammate were out at the same time, right? (And even if it did, it still wouldn't have mattered!!). If your management is at all reasonable, they will understand that life happens, and that part of THEIR job is to figure out how to manage the gaps when too much life happens to their reports. I hope your friend has a smooth recovery.
posted by btfreek at 11:20 PM on August 31, 2022 [7 favorites]