Data points sought—when does generosity of spirit come back after trauma
July 24, 2022 10:54 AM Subscribe
As above! I’d like to know, if you suffered sustained trauma (or someone you know did, and you’ve detailed info):
—how long did it take for your generosity of spirit to come back
—in detail, what helped move this process along?
Anecdotes and data points eagerly preferred!
Thank you, this site is an absolute grace.
I had a childhood and adolescence with sustained emotional and psychological trauma dealt out by a narcissistic father, and the fact that my mother refused to leave him even though he dished out the same and worse to her certainly didn't help me feel safe in any way. Despite that, I've always believed in the goodness of people as a whole. It takes me a while to trust individual people, sure, but I do believe humanity is good at heart. It's VERY hard for me to pat my own back, but I've been told I'm a very generous person. I broke the cycle of abuse when I had my own children, in a very deliberate way. Therapy. Therapy, therapy, therapy. It's what saved me.
So, as for "when did it come back," it never left me. Somehow I managed to keep that part of myself protected. I really believe it's because I never wanted to be ANYTHING like my father. So because he was so incredibly ungenerous, I went the opposite way.
posted by cooker girl at 11:56 AM on July 24, 2022 [4 favorites]
So, as for "when did it come back," it never left me. Somehow I managed to keep that part of myself protected. I really believe it's because I never wanted to be ANYTHING like my father. So because he was so incredibly ungenerous, I went the opposite way.
posted by cooker girl at 11:56 AM on July 24, 2022 [4 favorites]
Generosity of spirit is one way to heal trauma. You become everything which you needed, but was not offered to you, by those responsible; you give that to others, gratis, and by so doing you disperse your own trauma in a healing light of it's own.
posted by Oyéah at 1:33 PM on July 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Oyéah at 1:33 PM on July 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
Depends on the length and severity of the traumatic event in question.
I've had a number of 1-3 day events where the recovery of my general life was a matter of weeks. The wounds lasted a lot longer of course.
On the other hand a thing that lasted for a few years required a year before I was able to see anything without a lens of pessimism. And many years later I still lack empathy for anyone in a similar situation no matter what their role is.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:48 PM on July 24, 2022
I've had a number of 1-3 day events where the recovery of my general life was a matter of weeks. The wounds lasted a lot longer of course.
On the other hand a thing that lasted for a few years required a year before I was able to see anything without a lens of pessimism. And many years later I still lack empathy for anyone in a similar situation no matter what their role is.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:48 PM on July 24, 2022
EMDR, and also perhaps a meditation practice with a focus on lovingkindness meditation. That's what I am trying for myself, anyway. Good luck.
posted by marguerite at 6:12 PM on July 24, 2022
posted by marguerite at 6:12 PM on July 24, 2022
In 2020 I was diagnosed with an aggressive, rare breast cancer. My chemo literally almost killed me, I was hospitalized 8 days, and came out quite frail/disabled for the next 6 months. Mastectomy surgery is definitely a traumatic surgery. Through it all, my community rallied round with care, food, cards, visits, whatever was needed.
I was, and continue to be, grateful beyond words. Gratitude was in me at day one. It’s an amazing practice, which has helped me heal, and be useful to others. On my darkest days, I would re-read the cards folks sent, and just feel the love all over again. I had occasion to read them again recently, and was moved to tears. Gratitude, for even the smallest things, will see you through a lot.
posted by dbmcd at 9:00 PM on July 24, 2022
I was, and continue to be, grateful beyond words. Gratitude was in me at day one. It’s an amazing practice, which has helped me heal, and be useful to others. On my darkest days, I would re-read the cards folks sent, and just feel the love all over again. I had occasion to read them again recently, and was moved to tears. Gratitude, for even the smallest things, will see you through a lot.
posted by dbmcd at 9:00 PM on July 24, 2022
Depends on the kind of trauma, its length and severity as well as one's temperament and sensibilities.
Some trauma is from major events (..however, "Any idiot can face a crisis; its the day-to-day living that wears one out"), and then there are the slowly-sucking-life-out-of-you mini-situations that sometimes just won't stop.
Having had quite a bit of the first and a lot of the second, my generosity boundaries are constantly being re-set, re-aligned and re-evaluated. Its not an all or nothing concept, and terms and conditions apply. And then there are seasons for generosity, sometimes towards others, at times for self. For instance, in case of a health issue, its easier for me to be compassionate and generous for others in similar situations or just be kind with humanity in general. With specific life circumstances, its been very hard to be compassionate when others' words or actions are actively causing harm or hurt, and they simply will not stop. In this instance, my generosity lies in not sharing my candid thoughts with them and physically removing or emotionally distancing myself from them for a while or for ever (note that I don't do this with family on principle, and mine has been a blessing; however, here I would also be generous with granting myself the mental space for well being rather than get involved in a tiff or argument or repeated patterns to make futile attempts over things that are just not going to change or happen). I have also noted that many people just go about living life without thinking much or being aware of self or others, one's kindness or generosity is lost in a split instant of conflicting desires, and I generally try to be mindful of human character so as to not let my spirit of generosity extinguish when I encounter such individuals. There are many other spaces in life where generosity is ever flowing, unconditionally and freely (for instance, any social cause dear to one's heart) and those are always rejuvenating for the soul.
Hope this makes sense. Good luck.
posted by xm at 11:30 AM on July 29, 2022
Some trauma is from major events (..however, "Any idiot can face a crisis; its the day-to-day living that wears one out"), and then there are the slowly-sucking-life-out-of-you mini-situations that sometimes just won't stop.
Having had quite a bit of the first and a lot of the second, my generosity boundaries are constantly being re-set, re-aligned and re-evaluated. Its not an all or nothing concept, and terms and conditions apply. And then there are seasons for generosity, sometimes towards others, at times for self. For instance, in case of a health issue, its easier for me to be compassionate and generous for others in similar situations or just be kind with humanity in general. With specific life circumstances, its been very hard to be compassionate when others' words or actions are actively causing harm or hurt, and they simply will not stop. In this instance, my generosity lies in not sharing my candid thoughts with them and physically removing or emotionally distancing myself from them for a while or for ever (note that I don't do this with family on principle, and mine has been a blessing; however, here I would also be generous with granting myself the mental space for well being rather than get involved in a tiff or argument or repeated patterns to make futile attempts over things that are just not going to change or happen). I have also noted that many people just go about living life without thinking much or being aware of self or others, one's kindness or generosity is lost in a split instant of conflicting desires, and I generally try to be mindful of human character so as to not let my spirit of generosity extinguish when I encounter such individuals. There are many other spaces in life where generosity is ever flowing, unconditionally and freely (for instance, any social cause dear to one's heart) and those are always rejuvenating for the soul.
Hope this makes sense. Good luck.
posted by xm at 11:30 AM on July 29, 2022
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posted by derrinyet at 11:36 AM on July 24, 2022