Getting to "I'm glad you're my metamour"

July 19, 2022 6:50 PM

Have any of you had a rough metamour relationship get really good with work? Or read a story where that happens? I feel like I've heard that sort of story hundreds of times for romantic partners, but it would do me some good right now to hear the metamour version.

(If it matters, the "rough" in mine isn't inappropriate jealousy or dishonesty or whatever — it's "we agree on the expectations, we follow them, and meanwhile we piss each other off about stupid little details of everyday life like how to store leftovers and who should have RSVPed for the party." I realize this is fine and sometimes it happens and there are lots of ways to politely avoid each other for our partner's sake and blah blah blah. But for the sake of my optimism, I'd like to hear stories where it starts this way and turns into genuine full-on "I'm so glad you're my metamour" down the road.)

posted by flexible-footwear figurine to Human Relations (4 answers total)

Well, I've never done a full 180 like you're asking. But I do find it helpful to spend solo time with metamours so we can get to know each other on our own terms. Coffee and walks, watch a movie, help each other with little projects. It gives us our own inside jokes, I get to see a new side of them, and most importantly we figure out how to negotiate in a way that works for us and isn't dependent on meshing two established styles together, with our shared person as the awkward pivot.

It can also help to chat admiringly with your metamour about how awesome your partner is. (And what does your partner like about this person? Always makes me grateful to be filling my own boots instead of theirs.. I like my role just fine.) Reframe your thinking a bit.

If your partner's cool with it, the bonding power of a little shared ribbing at their expense is pretty great! The more you laugh the easier it gets.
posted by lloquat at 10:18 PM on July 19, 2022 [1 favorite]

It might be useful to think about why you piss each other off over small things. In a different context the things you describe probably wouldn’t lead to conflict, so think about why it’s happening here. It might be jealousy in some form* or something else, some kind of resentment, but until you recognize and acknowledge it, it probably won’t get better.

*The five types of jealousy:
1. Fear of losing your partner
2. Fear of losing some of your partner’s attention. Or resentment at having to share your partner’s time.
3. Envy of your metamour.
4. Envy of your partner, who maybe has something in the relationship with the metamour that is missing in your relationship. Or is just having fun without you.
5. Betrayal of trust.

Any or all of these can happen in open relationships.
posted by mai at 6:44 AM on July 20, 2022

Even though I no longer have the meta or partner I'm talking about, just going out with them and them only to chat helped quell a lot of issues. Grab a friendly drink or bite to eat, and talk about life with them. They will know where things are in your head, and you can find out where their head is as well. Don't start rattling off your list of grievances as soon as you sit down, and encourage them not to do the same. This isn't a bitch session, it's a state of the union.
posted by deezil at 7:01 AM on July 20, 2022

My wife and I have been together for 9 years, her and her GF have been together for 12 years, GF and Husband have been together for 17.

When we first got together, things were pretty rough as everyone adjusted. Ultimately, we had a dustup about a pretty big thing for Reasons a couple years ago, and we both felt really bad about it, and there was some talking and apologizing, and things are just fantastic now. Better than fantastic. We just went on family vacation and the college village for the teenager together. We want to retire together. They are our family. So I don't have a formula for you, other than we both love my wife so we keep showing up until it worked (though everyone's been working on themselves too, everyone's meds are better adjusted these days, I'm sober these days), but it can work and so I at least have a success story to offer you. :)
posted by joycehealy at 7:39 AM on July 21, 2022