Resentment growing in LTR
July 4, 2022 10:18 PM Subscribe
If you have been in a LTR where one party is significantly older, the relationship started when the other party was young and sheltered, and the younger person is now starting to resent that they didn't get the chance to experience the world and have more relationship experience and find out who they are, how did you deal with it?
Couple is not married and their lives are not significantly entangled. Older partner unlikely to consider opening the relationship. Neither want to break up.
Couple is not married and their lives are not significantly entangled. Older partner unlikely to consider opening the relationship. Neither want to break up.
How young are we talking here? What's the age gap?
Like someone who was in their twenties and got into a relationship with someone ten or fifteen years younger is likely to have a poor idea of what exactly they have missed. It may be worth going to counseling and working out the root cause of this FOMO they seem to have. There may be other areas of dissatisfaction in the relationship that are feeding into that resentment, so it'd be worth examining that with a professional.
But someone who was a teenager in a relationship with someone much older, especially if that relationship started when the younger person was a minor? That resentment is well earned and they may need to reflect on why they want to stay with the older partner. They deserve a chance to go and find themselves without their partner, who probably shaped their development in real and significant ways.
The gap and the ages of the partners is important to me here to work out an appropriate path.
posted by Jilder at 11:29 PM on July 4, 2022 [18 favorites]
Like someone who was in their twenties and got into a relationship with someone ten or fifteen years younger is likely to have a poor idea of what exactly they have missed. It may be worth going to counseling and working out the root cause of this FOMO they seem to have. There may be other areas of dissatisfaction in the relationship that are feeding into that resentment, so it'd be worth examining that with a professional.
But someone who was a teenager in a relationship with someone much older, especially if that relationship started when the younger person was a minor? That resentment is well earned and they may need to reflect on why they want to stay with the older partner. They deserve a chance to go and find themselves without their partner, who probably shaped their development in real and significant ways.
The gap and the ages of the partners is important to me here to work out an appropriate path.
posted by Jilder at 11:29 PM on July 4, 2022 [18 favorites]
Older partner is “unlikely” based on discussion or assumptions? Because therapy discussing opening things would be my answer.
posted by dpx.mfx at 12:15 AM on July 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by dpx.mfx at 12:15 AM on July 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
I was the younger partner in a similar situation starting when I was 19. My strategy at the time was to silently harbor resentment for years and then regret waiting so long to break up. Don't do what I did.
It's worth noting when thinking about this that opening a relationship is a knob rather than a switch. There may be specific conditions that would make the idea less threatening. ("You can only date people who live in other countries" is a somewhat extreme but real example.) Sympathy and best wishes.
posted by eotvos at 2:24 AM on July 5, 2022 [6 favorites]
It's worth noting when thinking about this that opening a relationship is a knob rather than a switch. There may be specific conditions that would make the idea less threatening. ("You can only date people who live in other countries" is a somewhat extreme but real example.) Sympathy and best wishes.
posted by eotvos at 2:24 AM on July 5, 2022 [6 favorites]
I think there is a difference between "didn't get to experience the world and find out who they are" and "have more relationships." (If sexual ones are the focus.)
I sort of agree that it depends on the gap and also that counselling is a good step. But the first thing I'd suggest exploring is the experiences that were missed. Is it going to a 3-day music festival and dancing in the summer heat? Is it taking a flight overseas to a hostel and staying up all night talking to a guy from Sweden during a festival in Barcelona, or dropping everything to go on a crazy road trip with a best friend, or accepting a job planting trees up north in a camp?
I guess what I am saying here is I think the older partner has a responsibility to support the younger partner in getting out there and experiencing the fullness of life. That doesn't necessarily have to mean sex with other people, but it may mean going to things that could potentially lead that way, risking that the younger partner is going to get out there and find something that isn't compatible with monogamy. But there are loads and loads of ways to do that that isn't a relationship.
Whether that would meet the needs of the younger partner or not is up for debate. It may be that it's nonmonogamy or bust. But I think sometimes when you have these kinds of unbalanced relationships there's a pressure to not do "crazy youth stuff" and maybe that is a good first step. And I personally think it is on the older person in the relationship to support that.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:31 AM on July 5, 2022 [35 favorites]
I sort of agree that it depends on the gap and also that counselling is a good step. But the first thing I'd suggest exploring is the experiences that were missed. Is it going to a 3-day music festival and dancing in the summer heat? Is it taking a flight overseas to a hostel and staying up all night talking to a guy from Sweden during a festival in Barcelona, or dropping everything to go on a crazy road trip with a best friend, or accepting a job planting trees up north in a camp?
I guess what I am saying here is I think the older partner has a responsibility to support the younger partner in getting out there and experiencing the fullness of life. That doesn't necessarily have to mean sex with other people, but it may mean going to things that could potentially lead that way, risking that the younger partner is going to get out there and find something that isn't compatible with monogamy. But there are loads and loads of ways to do that that isn't a relationship.
Whether that would meet the needs of the younger partner or not is up for debate. It may be that it's nonmonogamy or bust. But I think sometimes when you have these kinds of unbalanced relationships there's a pressure to not do "crazy youth stuff" and maybe that is a good first step. And I personally think it is on the older person in the relationship to support that.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:31 AM on July 5, 2022 [35 favorites]
Exactly the same for me as eotvos describes, and I offer the same advice: I was the younger partner in a similar situation starting when I was 19. My strategy at the time was to silently harbor resentment for years and then regret waiting so long to break up. Don't do what I did.
posted by taz at 3:36 AM on July 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by taz at 3:36 AM on July 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
Resentment is a relationship killer like no other. It festers and grows in isolation, and the bigger it gets the harder it is to talk about it in a constructive way. It is a fuse that seems to lead only to explosion, or to the sputtering out of cold indifference. The only way out is honest communication.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 3:46 AM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 3:46 AM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
When I was in grad school I dated someone in undergrad. He (apparently) felt resentment - even though I was only 4 years older than him and we were both pretty much into the same things. Maybe I preferred to leave parties earlier. But he "didn't plan on being with one person throughout all of college" and broke up with me, possibly after cheating on me.
I hated it and hated him at the time, but honestly it was for the best. We're even friends now.
posted by misskaz at 4:23 AM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I hated it and hated him at the time, but honestly it was for the best. We're even friends now.
posted by misskaz at 4:23 AM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
A person who is “significantly older” does not pursue a relationship with someone “young and sheltered” because they’re looking for an experienced partner who knows who they are independent of their relationship. Resentment feels very natural and just in this case and is the feeling this young person should honor over whatever loyalty they have to older partner. If these lives are not “significantly entangled,” my best advice is to leave this relationship and for the young person to begin pursuing their life on their own terms.
posted by sk932 at 4:33 AM on July 5, 2022 [51 favorites]
posted by sk932 at 4:33 AM on July 5, 2022 [51 favorites]
I was the younger person. Throughout much of the almost decade-long relationship I felt torn between fear of what would happen if we broke up and a desperate sense that if I didn't have those experiences now I would never have them. Eventually the fear lost and the relationship ended very messily. I am incredibly grateful for what we had but it was absolutely what needed to happen. You only have one life; nobody else can live it for you.
posted by derrinyet at 5:24 AM on July 5, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by derrinyet at 5:24 AM on July 5, 2022 [4 favorites]
I haven't been in this situation. What I would try is a trial separation. Let's say 3 months, with no contact until the trial is over. Both partners can do whatever they want during the trial, including sleep with other people. When it's over, they can reassess to see how they want to go forward. They're not breaking up; they're testing out a break up and younger partner can at least have some room to experience different things/people.
Now, these are just sample parameters. They can set their own: duration, amount of contact, what they can and can't do during the trial. Figure out what you'll do if one party violates the no-contact rule (if there is one). If you do decide to be in contact, say, once a week, figure out what's ok/not ok to talk about. E.g. would either party want to know about any potential dates/sexual escapades the other is engaging in?
Also pay attention to how either person feels about a trial separation. If someone feels relief, and if someone feels dread about the idea of getting back together at the end of the trial, those are feelings they shouldn't ignore.
posted by foxjacket at 5:43 AM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Now, these are just sample parameters. They can set their own: duration, amount of contact, what they can and can't do during the trial. Figure out what you'll do if one party violates the no-contact rule (if there is one). If you do decide to be in contact, say, once a week, figure out what's ok/not ok to talk about. E.g. would either party want to know about any potential dates/sexual escapades the other is engaging in?
Also pay attention to how either person feels about a trial separation. If someone feels relief, and if someone feels dread about the idea of getting back together at the end of the trial, those are feelings they shouldn't ignore.
posted by foxjacket at 5:43 AM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I like warriorqueen's answer.
In university was in an LTR with a significant experience difference between partners, not due to age but due to priviledge. I wanted (needed) to have a lot more experiences and my partner was been-there-done-that. Had he said "go, experience things within limits, I'll still be here" rather than "I may or may not be here when you get back" the relationship may have turned out differently.
We're still in touch occasionally, but I'm glad I took the path I did and I'm really glad we aren't together. I wouldn't have been happy not having those experiences.
posted by TORunner at 6:02 AM on July 5, 2022 [6 favorites]
In university was in an LTR with a significant experience difference between partners, not due to age but due to priviledge. I wanted (needed) to have a lot more experiences and my partner was been-there-done-that. Had he said "go, experience things within limits, I'll still be here" rather than "I may or may not be here when you get back" the relationship may have turned out differently.
We're still in touch occasionally, but I'm glad I took the path I did and I'm really glad we aren't together. I wouldn't have been happy not having those experiences.
posted by TORunner at 6:02 AM on July 5, 2022 [6 favorites]
As an addendum to my previous comment: before we broke up I had been thinking of what I was missing out on in terms of experiences. I'm not sure what I had in mind but probably it was something like "having a threesome on the beach" or some other wild and crazy thing I couldn't do in my relationship. No wonder my nagging desire to be free felt shallow and stupid. Actually I was thinking about it all wrong. I have still not had a threesome on the beach, but the relationships I've had since and all the difficult things I've had to go through have shown me that the biggest things I was missing were not experiences per se but rather opportunities to grow as a person outside of the shelter of that relationship, learn things about myself, become confident about all the things I thought I could never be confident about. Only after leaving was I able to see just how much it had been holding me back—not because of my partner, who is a wonderful person, but because I was looking to them for support all the time when I needed to learn to support myself.
posted by derrinyet at 6:44 AM on July 5, 2022 [13 favorites]
posted by derrinyet at 6:44 AM on July 5, 2022 [13 favorites]
Cis het male here. My partner is 7 years older than me. We got together when I was 22, she was 29. We've been together 30 years this year, and married 20. I'm 51, she is 58.
I have never lived alone, except for a four month stint fairly recently in a semi-artificial situation I won't go into. I had some of these resentments when I was in my late 20s, but my partner was and still is very young at heart and was very open sexually. So after hearing about her old relationships and wild life and threesomes, I got to have some wild life and threesomes with her. It helped that neither of us wanted kids ever.
Four years ago I got sober and we started couples counseling. We were close to divorce because of my addiction. My high-paying career was in shambles and now I make pretty small change. But I am happier with work. We communicate better today than we ever have. But now we are entering old(er) age and I am still adapting to life without partying and booze, booze, booze. It's complicated, but in many ways we are more content and free feeling now than we ever have been. We still love each other very much. I can't imagine my life without her.
Was the age difference an issue? Yes. But there's always going to be some issue(s). and we were able to work past them. We are very attached to each other's families, too.
I come from a more difficult/troubled/complicated family situation than she did (though she and everyone on the planet has these issues, too... I just have more it seems) and I probably have more mental issues than she does. I am anxious and sometimes depressed. I tend to withdraw from life, she jumps headfirst into life. I am working on this. We are still both working on this. There are still problems.
I will say that we both believe couples counseling is a great thing to do for anyone. She had never even seen a shrink in her life, and now she's semi-evangelistic about the benefits of therapy. We lucked out finding a good therapist.
I have no idea if this answer will be of help, but there it is.
posted by SoberHighland at 7:45 AM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I have never lived alone, except for a four month stint fairly recently in a semi-artificial situation I won't go into. I had some of these resentments when I was in my late 20s, but my partner was and still is very young at heart and was very open sexually. So after hearing about her old relationships and wild life and threesomes, I got to have some wild life and threesomes with her. It helped that neither of us wanted kids ever.
Four years ago I got sober and we started couples counseling. We were close to divorce because of my addiction. My high-paying career was in shambles and now I make pretty small change. But I am happier with work. We communicate better today than we ever have. But now we are entering old(er) age and I am still adapting to life without partying and booze, booze, booze. It's complicated, but in many ways we are more content and free feeling now than we ever have been. We still love each other very much. I can't imagine my life without her.
Was the age difference an issue? Yes. But there's always going to be some issue(s). and we were able to work past them. We are very attached to each other's families, too.
I come from a more difficult/troubled/complicated family situation than she did (though she and everyone on the planet has these issues, too... I just have more it seems) and I probably have more mental issues than she does. I am anxious and sometimes depressed. I tend to withdraw from life, she jumps headfirst into life. I am working on this. We are still both working on this. There are still problems.
I will say that we both believe couples counseling is a great thing to do for anyone. She had never even seen a shrink in her life, and now she's semi-evangelistic about the benefits of therapy. We lucked out finding a good therapist.
I have no idea if this answer will be of help, but there it is.
posted by SoberHighland at 7:45 AM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Here's an interesting post on relationship breaks that might be useful.
posted by heavenknows at 8:33 AM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by heavenknows at 8:33 AM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Usually I have seen in these relationships that they take a "break" to explore/travel/experiment/date. And either end up getting back together in 1-3 years, very grateful for the necessary time to grow, or end up growing apart and decide not to get back together.
posted by amaire at 9:23 AM on July 5, 2022
posted by amaire at 9:23 AM on July 5, 2022
If your situation is anything like this situation, I would say it's entirely reasonable for the younger party to feel resentment over being groomed, neglected, and emotionally abused, and the only way to deal with it is to break up.
posted by phunniemee at 9:38 AM on July 5, 2022 [13 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 9:38 AM on July 5, 2022 [13 favorites]
I think there are layers to this.
The first is the totally normal not really relationship-related sense of The Path Not Taken, in which you need to appropriately mourn all the versions of you that will never be: the one that joined the Peace Corps, the one who got (or didn't get!) that PhD, the one that said yes to the rich friend who would have paid for you to roam the world with them for a year, the potentially career-defining job you declined because it didn't pay enough and you couldn't see a way to make it work. And maybe some really tough versions too: the paths not taken because a parent got sick, or because of mental or physical health issues, or serious financial limitations. (Or, like, war or economic recession or a pandemic. We're all racking up things to feel bad about in the future, all the time. It doesn't stop after your 20s.)
Then, there's that area where you didn't do some things because you were with a partner/your current partner - this is also true for people who met their same-age LT partner young, or had children young, or just were in an exclusive relationship with someone no longer in the picture during those years. Many of those people are still going to wonder what could have been, and maybe even experience regret about it, but that feeling is not the same as it being wrong or bad or unfair or requiring of a do-over. I've never known anybody who didn't have some conflict about that even if they are satisfied with their life today.
I also know plenty of people like me who DID have their Roaring Twenties and wish we'd had a bit more ambition, higher standards for who we kept company with (and higher standards for our own behavior), access to sorely-needed mental health support, and maybe a slightly better sense to hormones ratio. Not everybody came out of that time okay or even alive, and I think it's important to understand that the sense of "missing out" you feel is generally about missing out on the best of it and ignoring the realities of a more chaotic existence. These things are only consequence-free in fantasy.
And then while it's always normal to ponder the road not chosen (or never available to choose), sometimes these normal irritations begin to loom large not because you actually need to go back and have that life, but because you're not thriving in the life you're in. And that's dangerous, because you can become fixated on the idea that you could feel whole if you could just get that threesome on the beach - an awesome example from above - that Younger You was denied when it turns out you just need to end your relationship and move forward in a way that feels more authentic and more aligned with the values and ambitions of Now You, probably without any threesomes at all. Will 2025 You regret what 2022 You is up to? Fix THAT, because that's the closest thing to time travel you've got - you can't go backwards.
I think - for your own mental clarity - that you should dig in to what you feel is wrong or missing and what realistically would enable you to have the growth experience at the current time in your life, and really get a handle on the details. Go to therapy yourself. Figure out whether you want to actively choose to choose your partner over other options or if you are actually done with that even if you don't "want to" break up. Figure out if fucking someone else is the only way out of this or if you can grow as a human doing other things that remain compatible with this relationship. Figure out if you feel your current partner won't let you grow as a human, and if so figure out if that is actually true.
I say that as someone who generally ended all my previous relationships for feeling stuck and unchangeable - a feeling that most of the time I invented for myself, but in a couple of occasions was definitely being inappropriately contained by a partner - and am now really grateful that my marriage has survived multiple major growth events given that any one of them could have been the no-foul but end-of-road "growing apart" kind. If this person won't let you be anything but what you are, you have to get out. If this partner would actually be okay with you growing and changing with some limits that are reasonable within a framework of monogamy, talk to them. If neither of you are sure the relationship is still going to be a fit even if you grow, try and see what happens. Just don't choose the option where you don't get to try at all, because it will eat you alive. Just have clarity into what "try" and "grow" mean to you so that you can be honest to yourself and your partner.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:13 AM on July 5, 2022 [19 favorites]
The first is the totally normal not really relationship-related sense of The Path Not Taken, in which you need to appropriately mourn all the versions of you that will never be: the one that joined the Peace Corps, the one who got (or didn't get!) that PhD, the one that said yes to the rich friend who would have paid for you to roam the world with them for a year, the potentially career-defining job you declined because it didn't pay enough and you couldn't see a way to make it work. And maybe some really tough versions too: the paths not taken because a parent got sick, or because of mental or physical health issues, or serious financial limitations. (Or, like, war or economic recession or a pandemic. We're all racking up things to feel bad about in the future, all the time. It doesn't stop after your 20s.)
Then, there's that area where you didn't do some things because you were with a partner/your current partner - this is also true for people who met their same-age LT partner young, or had children young, or just were in an exclusive relationship with someone no longer in the picture during those years. Many of those people are still going to wonder what could have been, and maybe even experience regret about it, but that feeling is not the same as it being wrong or bad or unfair or requiring of a do-over. I've never known anybody who didn't have some conflict about that even if they are satisfied with their life today.
I also know plenty of people like me who DID have their Roaring Twenties and wish we'd had a bit more ambition, higher standards for who we kept company with (and higher standards for our own behavior), access to sorely-needed mental health support, and maybe a slightly better sense to hormones ratio. Not everybody came out of that time okay or even alive, and I think it's important to understand that the sense of "missing out" you feel is generally about missing out on the best of it and ignoring the realities of a more chaotic existence. These things are only consequence-free in fantasy.
And then while it's always normal to ponder the road not chosen (or never available to choose), sometimes these normal irritations begin to loom large not because you actually need to go back and have that life, but because you're not thriving in the life you're in. And that's dangerous, because you can become fixated on the idea that you could feel whole if you could just get that threesome on the beach - an awesome example from above - that Younger You was denied when it turns out you just need to end your relationship and move forward in a way that feels more authentic and more aligned with the values and ambitions of Now You, probably without any threesomes at all. Will 2025 You regret what 2022 You is up to? Fix THAT, because that's the closest thing to time travel you've got - you can't go backwards.
I think - for your own mental clarity - that you should dig in to what you feel is wrong or missing and what realistically would enable you to have the growth experience at the current time in your life, and really get a handle on the details. Go to therapy yourself. Figure out whether you want to actively choose to choose your partner over other options or if you are actually done with that even if you don't "want to" break up. Figure out if fucking someone else is the only way out of this or if you can grow as a human doing other things that remain compatible with this relationship. Figure out if you feel your current partner won't let you grow as a human, and if so figure out if that is actually true.
I say that as someone who generally ended all my previous relationships for feeling stuck and unchangeable - a feeling that most of the time I invented for myself, but in a couple of occasions was definitely being inappropriately contained by a partner - and am now really grateful that my marriage has survived multiple major growth events given that any one of them could have been the no-foul but end-of-road "growing apart" kind. If this person won't let you be anything but what you are, you have to get out. If this partner would actually be okay with you growing and changing with some limits that are reasonable within a framework of monogamy, talk to them. If neither of you are sure the relationship is still going to be a fit even if you grow, try and see what happens. Just don't choose the option where you don't get to try at all, because it will eat you alive. Just have clarity into what "try" and "grow" mean to you so that you can be honest to yourself and your partner.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:13 AM on July 5, 2022 [19 favorites]
When I was in my late teens, I dated a guy in his very early 20s. It wasn't a very large age gap - in fact I later had relationships that were more age disparate - but the relationship ended because he was ready to "settle down" and I wasn't. When I say I wasn't ready to settle down, I'm not even talking about dating or sexual exploration. He was ready to put down roots, start a family, live a suburban slow life, and I was simply not interested in doing that yet. If he had been more open to exploring with me and wasn't so set on moving quickly into a certain lifestyle, I know I would have stayed with him at least a while longer. I wasn't looking to break up, and it was really sad and frustrating to feel pressured to walk through those life milestones at that juncture for me. Ultimately I didn't leave him because I didn't love him or want a future with him. It was because he wasn't seeing me and my needs, and he was rigidly attached to his vision of what life should look like -- which, by the way, is fine for him to do! But it didn't work for me, and he really didn't get it at the time. I don't know if he gets it now, we were unable to remain friends.
Personally, I think these issues usually boil down to lifestyle and emotional misalignment/gaps in the relationship. Age difference or not, there is something the younger partner is looking to feel that they can't figure out how to feel in their current relationship. Any possible solutions that younger partner may attach those emotional deficits to in their head are just attempts to work the problem. Therefore, my advice is talk more about the core problem. What's missing? What's the feeling that used to be in this relationship that is missing now? Can the relationship be adjusted to address that so younger partner feels fulfilled? Because that's what it boils down to. One half of this partnership's needs aren't met right now, and it's hard to argue that. Needs are needs.
posted by amycup at 1:31 PM on July 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Personally, I think these issues usually boil down to lifestyle and emotional misalignment/gaps in the relationship. Age difference or not, there is something the younger partner is looking to feel that they can't figure out how to feel in their current relationship. Any possible solutions that younger partner may attach those emotional deficits to in their head are just attempts to work the problem. Therefore, my advice is talk more about the core problem. What's missing? What's the feeling that used to be in this relationship that is missing now? Can the relationship be adjusted to address that so younger partner feels fulfilled? Because that's what it boils down to. One half of this partnership's needs aren't met right now, and it's hard to argue that. Needs are needs.
posted by amycup at 1:31 PM on July 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
1) It's time for the younger partner to stop asking (and needing) the older partner's permission to live their own life. One way to achieve this transition into independence and not needing the older partner's permission is to seek individual therapy.
2) The person who is significantly older chose a younger, inexperienced partner BECAUSE they were young and inexperienced. It's not a surprise that now, when the younger partner is older and beginning to be more assertive, there is suddenly a problem in the relationship. One way for the one partner to deal with suddenly having a more equal partnership than they expected (or preferred) is to seek individual counseling.
3) I strongly suspect that couples' counseling is not what you both need. Your issues seem quite thoroughly to be individual issues, things you each need to work out for yourself.
posted by MiraK at 2:37 PM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
2) The person who is significantly older chose a younger, inexperienced partner BECAUSE they were young and inexperienced. It's not a surprise that now, when the younger partner is older and beginning to be more assertive, there is suddenly a problem in the relationship. One way for the one partner to deal with suddenly having a more equal partnership than they expected (or preferred) is to seek individual counseling.
3) I strongly suspect that couples' counseling is not what you both need. Your issues seem quite thoroughly to be individual issues, things you each need to work out for yourself.
posted by MiraK at 2:37 PM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I was the younger one and I ended the relationship and 20 years later I have zero regrets. Having significantly more relationship experience now than I did then, there was no way to realize that the person I was with wasn't... a good match. I had nothing to compare it to. And they were definitely leaning on that inexperience for their favour, not mine.
posted by Dynex at 3:30 PM on July 5, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by Dynex at 3:30 PM on July 5, 2022 [7 favorites]
As someone who has been with an older partner and grew somewhat resentful, in hindsight I thought the age gap made a difference but it actually did not. Only my perception of it did. What matters is that partner is enriching your world in some capacity, whether it is financially, romantically, spiritually, emotionally, globally, etc, if not, then leave.
Otherwise, who knows, you could be single and/or miserable right now.
posted by foxmardou at 3:50 PM on July 5, 2022
Otherwise, who knows, you could be single and/or miserable right now.
posted by foxmardou at 3:50 PM on July 5, 2022
I think it would have been better for my older partner and I if we had gone our separate ways much sooner. He was pretty settled and carried a lot of resentment for many years for following me on my adventures. It all came to a head when I ended the relationship anyway.
Sometimes you don't want to break up, but it's the right thing to do anyway.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:24 PM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Sometimes you don't want to break up, but it's the right thing to do anyway.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:24 PM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
the younger person is now starting to resent that they didn't get the chance to experience the world and have more relationship experience and find out who they are
I think what that actually means is the younger person has realized they are not feeling happy or fulfilled anymore in the current relationship. They realize they could probably find something better or more appropriate for them. I think what that means is the couple should break up. (I, too, was once the much younger person in a relationship that could've somewhat been described like this. I never regretted finally ending that relationship. I only regretted not doing it sooner.)
posted by wondermouse at 5:38 PM on July 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
I think what that actually means is the younger person has realized they are not feeling happy or fulfilled anymore in the current relationship. They realize they could probably find something better or more appropriate for them. I think what that means is the couple should break up. (I, too, was once the much younger person in a relationship that could've somewhat been described like this. I never regretted finally ending that relationship. I only regretted not doing it sooner.)
posted by wondermouse at 5:38 PM on July 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
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posted by Bottlecap at 11:07 PM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]