In a Relationship, Healthy Emotional Needs Vs. Neediness?
January 11, 2022 12:21 AM Subscribe
In a relationship, what relationship do you have with, and how do you feel, about the emotional needs of your partner? Where is the line between needs and neediness? More after the cut.
I'm someone late-in-life with almost no dating experience. I'm likely thinking too far ahead, but ...
Since I was a child, I was not particularly taken care of emotionally. I dealt with parentification, economic insecurity, physical peer abuse, and many other issues. I think I never really got to be a child.
In a relationship, I expect that what will mean the world to me will be those gestures of love and those gestures of being taken care of from my partner.
But I will not be a man-child that has to be taken care of. I think, despite not having been in a real relationship, that I understand the issue of emotional labor, etc. (For example, I do not intend to do a job performatively badly, and it's not a 'look at me, I'm so good, I did the dishes, now pat me on the head' kind of situation, I know well enough that it's not a special thing just because I'm a man.)
And I definitely want and intend to reciprocate the gestures of love and the gestures of being taken care of.
I think, frankly, that I'm used to perceiving my emotional needs as something that will repel a partner. I am in therapy, but that's been a long part of my life, so waiting until that's "done" to resolve the issue isn't a solution.
I think I am trying to understand how so-called "normal" couples interact with each other on this point, and where the line is that would trigger going from needs to neediness. Saying "I am feeling down tonight, the world feels large and nasty, I need to cuddle and watch a movie" -- to me, it feels like I'm going to come across as leech-y, and I don't know if that's because my brain's broken or not.
I'm someone late-in-life with almost no dating experience. I'm likely thinking too far ahead, but ...
Since I was a child, I was not particularly taken care of emotionally. I dealt with parentification, economic insecurity, physical peer abuse, and many other issues. I think I never really got to be a child.
In a relationship, I expect that what will mean the world to me will be those gestures of love and those gestures of being taken care of from my partner.
But I will not be a man-child that has to be taken care of. I think, despite not having been in a real relationship, that I understand the issue of emotional labor, etc. (For example, I do not intend to do a job performatively badly, and it's not a 'look at me, I'm so good, I did the dishes, now pat me on the head' kind of situation, I know well enough that it's not a special thing just because I'm a man.)
And I definitely want and intend to reciprocate the gestures of love and the gestures of being taken care of.
I think, frankly, that I'm used to perceiving my emotional needs as something that will repel a partner. I am in therapy, but that's been a long part of my life, so waiting until that's "done" to resolve the issue isn't a solution.
I think I am trying to understand how so-called "normal" couples interact with each other on this point, and where the line is that would trigger going from needs to neediness. Saying "I am feeling down tonight, the world feels large and nasty, I need to cuddle and watch a movie" -- to me, it feels like I'm going to come across as leech-y, and I don't know if that's because my brain's broken or not.
It's all about reciprocity. If you show your partner that you're open to hearing about, understanding & meeting their needs - then you have every right to expect the same in return.
I mean this very gently & encouragingly... but when I hear the word "needy", I feel like someone is being judged & criticised for expressing their needs, and that seems like a shame. In your question, OP, I feel like you're somewhat judging yourself. Your example - I had a bad day & I really need a hug - is like a canonical example of a 100% legit and real emotional need that any partner (that you would actually _want_ to be in a relationship with) would be super-happy to meet - and in turn, to have you meet the same need for them.
It's a risk, when you express that stuff. Nobody wants to feel rejected. Nobody wants to learn that their partner _isn't_ able/willing to meet those entirely legit needs that you have, because that would mean you're with the wrong person. So, we have some incentive to bottle it all up & pretend that we don't have those needs. Or, we're pretending too hard to be this hard-edged independent solo individual who can meet all of their own needs without ever relying on someone else. But, that shit gets lonely after a while, and it's nice to be able to call on some help.
posted by rd45 at 3:12 AM on January 11, 2022 [15 favorites]
I mean this very gently & encouragingly... but when I hear the word "needy", I feel like someone is being judged & criticised for expressing their needs, and that seems like a shame. In your question, OP, I feel like you're somewhat judging yourself. Your example - I had a bad day & I really need a hug - is like a canonical example of a 100% legit and real emotional need that any partner (that you would actually _want_ to be in a relationship with) would be super-happy to meet - and in turn, to have you meet the same need for them.
It's a risk, when you express that stuff. Nobody wants to feel rejected. Nobody wants to learn that their partner _isn't_ able/willing to meet those entirely legit needs that you have, because that would mean you're with the wrong person. So, we have some incentive to bottle it all up & pretend that we don't have those needs. Or, we're pretending too hard to be this hard-edged independent solo individual who can meet all of their own needs without ever relying on someone else. But, that shit gets lonely after a while, and it's nice to be able to call on some help.
posted by rd45 at 3:12 AM on January 11, 2022 [15 favorites]
Following late afternoon dreaming hotel's suggestion, You might like the Personal Development School (YouTube) and its corresponding workbooks after taking the attachment quiz. (I believe there should be one in the Attached book as well.)
The creator develops daily content based around needs, wants, desires, boundaries and healthy relationships.
The book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents is a great start to the 'I don't know if my brain is broken or not' thought pattern for those not taken care of as a child. There are two follow-up books, including one on self-care.
For reasons, I have another 50+ recommendations (depending on other situations like whether a parent used substance abuse or not) so feel free to PM me and ask.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 3:40 AM on January 11, 2022 [9 favorites]
The creator develops daily content based around needs, wants, desires, boundaries and healthy relationships.
The book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents is a great start to the 'I don't know if my brain is broken or not' thought pattern for those not taken care of as a child. There are two follow-up books, including one on self-care.
For reasons, I have another 50+ recommendations (depending on other situations like whether a parent used substance abuse or not) so feel free to PM me and ask.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 3:40 AM on January 11, 2022 [9 favorites]
As well as lack of reciprocity, the other thing that can sometimes go wrong is when one person's needs prevent the other person from maintaining other relationships or experiences that are important to them. If you are having a bad day every day, and you want to snuggle with your partner every evening for many hours, but that means that they cannot ever support a friend or take part in a hobby they love or have downtime alone etc then that is a problem. The balance point is different for every relationship, but I think most of the time most people don't think about it explicitly.
FWIW the need you describe sounds like it falls well within the middle of the bell curve and the vast majority of partners would be happy and pleased to meet it whether or not they had the exact same need themselves. There may possibly be a handful of otherwise good people who would find it too much, but all that would mean is that they are a poor fit for many people, including you.
posted by plonkee at 3:42 AM on January 11, 2022 [11 favorites]
FWIW the need you describe sounds like it falls well within the middle of the bell curve and the vast majority of partners would be happy and pleased to meet it whether or not they had the exact same need themselves. There may possibly be a handful of otherwise good people who would find it too much, but all that would mean is that they are a poor fit for many people, including you.
posted by plonkee at 3:42 AM on January 11, 2022 [11 favorites]
I think the two key points are communication, and agency.
Your example already shows good communication — you’re honestly and directly stating what your needs are, and you are explaining why you need them. “Needy” tends to happen when people use emotional manipulation or coercion on their partner, so a counter-example might be something like “I want to feel like you love me, so please cuddle me” or “You’ve been distant recently, you should cuddle me more”. So just approach things from a “this is a me thing” and not a “this is your responsibility and you need to fix it”.
Which then leads us to the “agency” aspect. Your partner will be their own person, with their own needs and experiences, and their own good days and bad days. Sometimes their bad days will intersect with your bad days. So always, always respect your partner’s freedom to choose. If you are in need of a cuddle, there may be some days where your partner needs to be alone and can’t provide your needs. That’s okay. Sometimes you might have to discuss who needs “recovery time” the most, and sometimes it will be you and sometimes it will be your partner.
Honest and open communication is the tool that allows you to figure out what each other’s needs are. And a respect for each other’s agency is what will allow you to support each other without being overbearing.
(All of the above is easier in theory than practice of course. You will get it wrong sometimes, so give each other the patience to learn and improve. Therapy can help hone these skills.)
posted by rtfmf at 4:22 AM on January 11, 2022 [7 favorites]
Your example already shows good communication — you’re honestly and directly stating what your needs are, and you are explaining why you need them. “Needy” tends to happen when people use emotional manipulation or coercion on their partner, so a counter-example might be something like “I want to feel like you love me, so please cuddle me” or “You’ve been distant recently, you should cuddle me more”. So just approach things from a “this is a me thing” and not a “this is your responsibility and you need to fix it”.
Which then leads us to the “agency” aspect. Your partner will be their own person, with their own needs and experiences, and their own good days and bad days. Sometimes their bad days will intersect with your bad days. So always, always respect your partner’s freedom to choose. If you are in need of a cuddle, there may be some days where your partner needs to be alone and can’t provide your needs. That’s okay. Sometimes you might have to discuss who needs “recovery time” the most, and sometimes it will be you and sometimes it will be your partner.
Honest and open communication is the tool that allows you to figure out what each other’s needs are. And a respect for each other’s agency is what will allow you to support each other without being overbearing.
(All of the above is easier in theory than practice of course. You will get it wrong sometimes, so give each other the patience to learn and improve. Therapy can help hone these skills.)
posted by rtfmf at 4:22 AM on January 11, 2022 [7 favorites]
I had parents who comforted me sometimes and called me needy sometimes. As a kid, I believed them that sometimes my needs were legitimate and sometimes my needs were objectively too much. I tried to figure out where the line was, and only ended up confused and hesitant to admit to any emotional needs at all.
It took years of therapy as an adult until I started to catch onto what "it's not about you" means in that context. The difference in my parent either meeting my need or labeling me needy had nothing to do with whether my need was acceptable or not. It only had to do with whether my parent felt capable of meeting my need at that moment or not. Maybe they had been taught not to indulge certain behaviors, or they were too tired right then, or it triggered something in them they didn't feel able to address...could be anything, because they're human, too. But really, all my emotional needs (and everyone's) deserve to be met with compassion. That includes the "perceived needs," meaning that I'm the only person who thinks those are needs. People with good boundaries and who address their own needs (including parents or partners) don't have to respond in any particular way to my perceived needs. For example, strategic non-listening or changes of subject or one-syllable answers are ok responses if I'm demanding the moon. But labeling someone needy would be an unnecessarily hurtful rejection. In your example, maybe a partner who can't meet the need would compromise, "I can cuddle for 20 minutes and then I have to answer work emails, but you can finish the movie without me." But they wouldn't be repelled by the ask.
I'm used to perceiving my emotional needs as something that will repel a partner
Do your emotional needs repel you?
I learned to talk to myself the way my parents talked to me. With help from therapy, I've tried to take on a gentler tone.
Me: I'm feeling down. I just want to watch a movie.
Me to me in parent voice: I felt down last night, too, and just wanted to watch a movie then, too. Why am I so lazy? What's wrong with me?
Me to me in gentler tone: I've been feeling down for a while, haven't I? Do I really want to escape into a movie, or do I want to sit with this feeling for a minute first? Maybe I could try a mindfulness exercise and then a walk and then the movie.
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 5:26 AM on January 11, 2022 [18 favorites]
It took years of therapy as an adult until I started to catch onto what "it's not about you" means in that context. The difference in my parent either meeting my need or labeling me needy had nothing to do with whether my need was acceptable or not. It only had to do with whether my parent felt capable of meeting my need at that moment or not. Maybe they had been taught not to indulge certain behaviors, or they were too tired right then, or it triggered something in them they didn't feel able to address...could be anything, because they're human, too. But really, all my emotional needs (and everyone's) deserve to be met with compassion. That includes the "perceived needs," meaning that I'm the only person who thinks those are needs. People with good boundaries and who address their own needs (including parents or partners) don't have to respond in any particular way to my perceived needs. For example, strategic non-listening or changes of subject or one-syllable answers are ok responses if I'm demanding the moon. But labeling someone needy would be an unnecessarily hurtful rejection. In your example, maybe a partner who can't meet the need would compromise, "I can cuddle for 20 minutes and then I have to answer work emails, but you can finish the movie without me." But they wouldn't be repelled by the ask.
I'm used to perceiving my emotional needs as something that will repel a partner
Do your emotional needs repel you?
I learned to talk to myself the way my parents talked to me. With help from therapy, I've tried to take on a gentler tone.
Me: I'm feeling down. I just want to watch a movie.
Me to me in parent voice: I felt down last night, too, and just wanted to watch a movie then, too. Why am I so lazy? What's wrong with me?
Me to me in gentler tone: I've been feeling down for a while, haven't I? Do I really want to escape into a movie, or do I want to sit with this feeling for a minute first? Maybe I could try a mindfulness exercise and then a walk and then the movie.
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 5:26 AM on January 11, 2022 [18 favorites]
even if you subscribe to emotional labor discourse, I don't think that its message is to camouflage your healthy desires for good things, and I believe that the desire to be and to feel loved within a romantic relationship is such a desire as long as it is expressed with respect and without demands. if you feel a "need" to be served and deferred to, absolutely shut it down with the iron hand of repression. but the desire for love and care is not like that. a lot of women find it extremely moving to have their love and care wanted, acknowledged, and openly appreciated. also, reciprocated. but the other things might actually be rarer. this is not a good state of affairs because it is not good for women to feel so grateful for human treatment, but the fact remains that many of us are.
this is probably because many men feel those same desires for care and love but have contempt for their own desires and resentment for women's autonomous power to offer or deny them love, so they displace their self-contempt onto the people who offer them the thing they pretend they don't want. this is the bad thing. allowing a woman you are in a relationship with to see and hear how much her love means to you, and allowing her to see that exercising her own emotional freedom to show it makes you happy and not angry, is not the bad thing. it is the good thing.
[yet again I must edit to apologize for presumed heterosexuality; that is just the context in which I understand the man-child complaint. but without a heterosexual context the answer may be somewhat different. though not entirely different.]
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:27 AM on January 11, 2022 [10 favorites]
this is probably because many men feel those same desires for care and love but have contempt for their own desires and resentment for women's autonomous power to offer or deny them love, so they displace their self-contempt onto the people who offer them the thing they pretend they don't want. this is the bad thing. allowing a woman you are in a relationship with to see and hear how much her love means to you, and allowing her to see that exercising her own emotional freedom to show it makes you happy and not angry, is not the bad thing. it is the good thing.
[yet again I must edit to apologize for presumed heterosexuality; that is just the context in which I understand the man-child complaint. but without a heterosexual context the answer may be somewhat different. though not entirely different.]
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:27 AM on January 11, 2022 [10 favorites]
This question breaks my heart. Not because it’s a bad question but because I’m just sad that people are raised to believe that asking for comfort is somehow needy. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a relationship with someone who could ask for comfort when they needed it. I do, but those people couldn’t and that made their lives and our relationship more challenging. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 6:56 AM on January 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 6:56 AM on January 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
Also, as may be mentioned above, there is no universal definition of needy but needy is in the eye of the beholder and it often means that the person who is calling you needy is an asshole. Even if it’s yourself. So be kind to yourself, as others are encouraging
posted by Bella Donna at 6:57 AM on January 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 6:57 AM on January 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm going to deviate somewhat from the conventional wisdom above and say that I do think there's such a thing as being too emotionally needy in a relationship—but that's not really a factor of what your needs are or even how you express them, but of how you show up in the relationship outside of your own desire for comfort and caretaking. There's no need (and no way) to edit or sanitize your emotions that will make the difference between acceptable and unacceptable levels of demand. But there's a way to contribute to a relationship environment in which your needs are met and meetable.
If you have any experience with people on perpetual diets, it's not dissimilar; if you spend long enough thinking that it's never okay to eat food or even want to eat food, then you get to a place where expressing any hunger feels gluttonous and out of control. There's no difference between a snack you just feel like and a meal you can't function without: you won't let yourself fulfill either of those hungers so you stop even recognizing them. People who are trying to un-train themselves from food restriction often worry that they'll overcompensate by eating everything they can see and making themselves sick—and sometimes they do! It's possible to get stuck in this place for a LONG time, a lifetime, with emotional needs, if you can find people around you who are willing to constantly fill you up, and I don't actually think that's better than constant self-denial. But with both these hungers, it's also possible to get to a place where you understand and accept on a deep level that nutrition is there when you need or want it; when you stop feeling like it's going to be taken away at any moment, you start to trust it. That's not really about something you are doing right or wrong—in both cases, physical and emotional hunger, both the need and the dysregulation are perfectly normal and understandable. It's about setting up a situation where that trust can exist.
This is hard, of course, because trust is hard! But I think rd45 nailed it in saying that a trustable relationship is one where there's reciprocity. Probably the best way to cultivate that environment of trust and trustability is to offer, when you're able to offer it, the kind of caretaking you'd like to receive when you need to receive it. I really like Ferrett Steinmetz's blog post about the Freakout Tree, which is a small tree in which only one person can sit and freak out at once. I don't know why it's a tree. It is possible to hog the freakout tree, and leave your partner stranded on the ground until they start throwing coconuts at you to knock you out, and that's what I mean about "there's such a thing as being too needy." But once you've established a partnership where both of you can reliably go up in the tree without friction when you need to freak out, that's when you start to feel safe coming down.
posted by babelfish at 7:40 AM on January 11, 2022 [14 favorites]
If you have any experience with people on perpetual diets, it's not dissimilar; if you spend long enough thinking that it's never okay to eat food or even want to eat food, then you get to a place where expressing any hunger feels gluttonous and out of control. There's no difference between a snack you just feel like and a meal you can't function without: you won't let yourself fulfill either of those hungers so you stop even recognizing them. People who are trying to un-train themselves from food restriction often worry that they'll overcompensate by eating everything they can see and making themselves sick—and sometimes they do! It's possible to get stuck in this place for a LONG time, a lifetime, with emotional needs, if you can find people around you who are willing to constantly fill you up, and I don't actually think that's better than constant self-denial. But with both these hungers, it's also possible to get to a place where you understand and accept on a deep level that nutrition is there when you need or want it; when you stop feeling like it's going to be taken away at any moment, you start to trust it. That's not really about something you are doing right or wrong—in both cases, physical and emotional hunger, both the need and the dysregulation are perfectly normal and understandable. It's about setting up a situation where that trust can exist.
This is hard, of course, because trust is hard! But I think rd45 nailed it in saying that a trustable relationship is one where there's reciprocity. Probably the best way to cultivate that environment of trust and trustability is to offer, when you're able to offer it, the kind of caretaking you'd like to receive when you need to receive it. I really like Ferrett Steinmetz's blog post about the Freakout Tree, which is a small tree in which only one person can sit and freak out at once. I don't know why it's a tree. It is possible to hog the freakout tree, and leave your partner stranded on the ground until they start throwing coconuts at you to knock you out, and that's what I mean about "there's such a thing as being too needy." But once you've established a partnership where both of you can reliably go up in the tree without friction when you need to freak out, that's when you start to feel safe coming down.
posted by babelfish at 7:40 AM on January 11, 2022 [14 favorites]
the need you described here is not at all problematic.
First of all, most people feel that way from time to time. It's not weird.
But even more importantly: loving partners WANT to fulfill their partner's needs and feel good about it. So having partner A express a simple need that partner B can fulfill, and be appreciated for, is something that - assuming reciprocity, as mentioned above - makes partner B feel good and wanted.
"Neediness" becomes a problem when the requests are things that the other partner can't easily fill, or where fulfilling the needs requires harming the self. Like "don't have friendships outside of this relationship" or "be the one I depend on for all of my social interaction" or "call me every half hour because I can't bear to go longer than that without you checking in" etc. But "hang out with me after I've had a hard day" isn't going to pose a problem for most people.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:44 AM on January 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
First of all, most people feel that way from time to time. It's not weird.
But even more importantly: loving partners WANT to fulfill their partner's needs and feel good about it. So having partner A express a simple need that partner B can fulfill, and be appreciated for, is something that - assuming reciprocity, as mentioned above - makes partner B feel good and wanted.
"Neediness" becomes a problem when the requests are things that the other partner can't easily fill, or where fulfilling the needs requires harming the self. Like "don't have friendships outside of this relationship" or "be the one I depend on for all of my social interaction" or "call me every half hour because I can't bear to go longer than that without you checking in" etc. But "hang out with me after I've had a hard day" isn't going to pose a problem for most people.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:44 AM on January 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
How To Be An Adult In Relationships might be another good resource for you. It's a really good look at what healthy relationships can look like.
Also, Inner Bonding is a bit cheesy but really helped me understand the idea of taking care of your inner child. I got a lot out of just the free stuff on the site and never paid for the courses or anything.
posted by dawkins_7 at 8:14 AM on January 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
Also, Inner Bonding is a bit cheesy but really helped me understand the idea of taking care of your inner child. I got a lot out of just the free stuff on the site and never paid for the courses or anything.
posted by dawkins_7 at 8:14 AM on January 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
Agree that you sound fine, and skilled at communicating. Like others have mentioned, for me the ability to hear "no" and not take it personally and to occasionally self-soothe (or lean on other relationships) is important to not being needy. This has been a slight problem in my own relationship lately since our friend-circle has narrowed recently (both for pandemic and non-pandemic reasons). You can expect your future partner to sometimes provide whatever emotional labor you need, but it's not fair to expect that all of the time you need it.
posted by coffeecat at 11:03 AM on January 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by coffeecat at 11:03 AM on January 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
I really understand your fear. I'm constantly worried about asking or demanding too much from my partners.
My check against that is the concept that there cannot be a real yes without the possibility of no. What this means in practice is that when I need a cuddle, or to vent, or anything else really, I'll ask in a way that leaves the door open for a no. "I've had a rough day, and I could use some cuddle time in front of the TV. Are you up for that?"
Now this is been preceeded by conversations when I'm not needy. Conversations that include my fear of overstepping boundaries, or needing too much too often. Conversations that include me asking my partner to please tell me no if they can't give me what I need in the moment.
Some of the proudest moments for me in relationships have been when a partner has told me " I'm really not up for that right now."
Sure, it stings a bit, but I thank them for being honest with me. And the next time I ask and they say yes, I can really believe that they want to give me what I asked for. And I can also believe that my partner trusts me enough to tell me no, and believe that I won't punish her for it.
Over time, even the sting goes away. Because it means that you and your partner have built up the kind of communication that can be gentle and honest at the same time. The no doesn't mean that your partner doesn't want to be there for you, it just might mean that they can't at that moment.
I'm glad that you're thinking about this before getting into a relationship. It bodes well for the possibility of success when you do, in my opinion.
posted by Vigilant at 12:36 PM on January 11, 2022 [6 favorites]
My check against that is the concept that there cannot be a real yes without the possibility of no. What this means in practice is that when I need a cuddle, or to vent, or anything else really, I'll ask in a way that leaves the door open for a no. "I've had a rough day, and I could use some cuddle time in front of the TV. Are you up for that?"
Now this is been preceeded by conversations when I'm not needy. Conversations that include my fear of overstepping boundaries, or needing too much too often. Conversations that include me asking my partner to please tell me no if they can't give me what I need in the moment.
Some of the proudest moments for me in relationships have been when a partner has told me " I'm really not up for that right now."
Sure, it stings a bit, but I thank them for being honest with me. And the next time I ask and they say yes, I can really believe that they want to give me what I asked for. And I can also believe that my partner trusts me enough to tell me no, and believe that I won't punish her for it.
Over time, even the sting goes away. Because it means that you and your partner have built up the kind of communication that can be gentle and honest at the same time. The no doesn't mean that your partner doesn't want to be there for you, it just might mean that they can't at that moment.
I'm glad that you're thinking about this before getting into a relationship. It bodes well for the possibility of success when you do, in my opinion.
posted by Vigilant at 12:36 PM on January 11, 2022 [6 favorites]
I'm someone in my 40s with a fair amount of dating experience, before and after a long marriage in the middle, and I am still working through these kinds of questions. I think this is something we thoughtful folks are always trying to figure out: what are my needs and wants and how do I meet them, in intimate or other relationships?
I just listened to a podcast episode the other day that spoke to the issue of how, when some folks communicate their needs well, other folks might call that being needy, but it isn't. Like, it's okay to have needs. That doesn't mean our partners (friends, neighbors, lovers) are obligated to meet them, but in the context of a mutually supportive relationship, we want to help our partners meet their needs even if they're not the same as ours.
The podcast I mentioned is Swoon, and here's the specific episode. I think it might be a great listen for you, not just this episode but many of them. It's two or three therapists talking about relationships based on their experiences working with many people working on similar issues. (I linked to it via Apple Podcasts but it should be on all the podcast platforms.)
The only way I would reframe your statement:
Your statement: "I am feeling down tonight, the world feels large and nasty, I need to cuddle and watch a movie"
Making it into a request: ""I am feeling down tonight, the world feels large and nasty, I need to chill out and watch a movie, and I would love it if you'd cuddle with me."
I don't think we have a right to expect that our partners will be available to meet our needs at any moment because what if your partner has competing needs (to talk on the phone with an old friend, for example, or to exercise, or they need to get away from any additional stimulation, or they need to study for a class)? In that case, you all might negotiate: "Can we watch one episode of a show together and then I'll exercise/talk to my mom/otherwise meet my needs?"
Another helpful resource is this needs inventory from the Center for Nonviolent Communication.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:19 PM on January 11, 2022 [4 favorites]
I just listened to a podcast episode the other day that spoke to the issue of how, when some folks communicate their needs well, other folks might call that being needy, but it isn't. Like, it's okay to have needs. That doesn't mean our partners (friends, neighbors, lovers) are obligated to meet them, but in the context of a mutually supportive relationship, we want to help our partners meet their needs even if they're not the same as ours.
The podcast I mentioned is Swoon, and here's the specific episode. I think it might be a great listen for you, not just this episode but many of them. It's two or three therapists talking about relationships based on their experiences working with many people working on similar issues. (I linked to it via Apple Podcasts but it should be on all the podcast platforms.)
The only way I would reframe your statement:
Your statement: "I am feeling down tonight, the world feels large and nasty, I need to cuddle and watch a movie"
Making it into a request: ""I am feeling down tonight, the world feels large and nasty, I need to chill out and watch a movie, and I would love it if you'd cuddle with me."
I don't think we have a right to expect that our partners will be available to meet our needs at any moment because what if your partner has competing needs (to talk on the phone with an old friend, for example, or to exercise, or they need to get away from any additional stimulation, or they need to study for a class)? In that case, you all might negotiate: "Can we watch one episode of a show together and then I'll exercise/talk to my mom/otherwise meet my needs?"
Another helpful resource is this needs inventory from the Center for Nonviolent Communication.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:19 PM on January 11, 2022 [4 favorites]
Also, there's a huge gap between theory and practice with all this. Sometimes we have more resources to communicate our needs, and sometimes we are a stew of unmet needs we can't even understand ourselves. It's great when we can give our loved ones and ourselves some compassion and empathy in working through all this.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:20 PM on January 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by bluedaisy at 1:20 PM on January 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
I want to throw in that a “man baby” is not a man with common needs of emotional support and connection. A “man baby” is one who expects that all his needs will be met and takes umbrage at any expectation that he be able and available to provide the same kind of support.
I support all men in their journey to avoid becoming a man-baby because our culture (generally) supports this path as a way to shirk all real responsibility while reaping true rewards. But having a human need for connection (two-way), empathy and compassion is not “man baby.” To think so is part of the toxic cultural messaging.
posted by amanda at 7:11 PM on January 11, 2022 [8 favorites]
I support all men in their journey to avoid becoming a man-baby because our culture (generally) supports this path as a way to shirk all real responsibility while reaping true rewards. But having a human need for connection (two-way), empathy and compassion is not “man baby.” To think so is part of the toxic cultural messaging.
posted by amanda at 7:11 PM on January 11, 2022 [8 favorites]
I am in a relationship with a man who seems to have this sorted out, enough that it isn't an issue for us. His pattern is to be verbal in both appreciation, and offering moments of connection. That might be "I feel sad and would like to cuddle and watch a movie" or "you seem exhausted, want to cuddle and watch a movie" - both of these are moments to connect as a couple that will not happen if you do not display your emotional needs. When I do 'doting' things - which is definitely a way I prefer to show my love - he is vocally appreciative and grateful, and makes sure I get supported as well.
Being vulnerable is difficult. I still struggle with it. I've found his verbal processing makes it easier for me to practice sharing my emotions.
posted by geek anachronism at 12:24 AM on January 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Being vulnerable is difficult. I still struggle with it. I've found his verbal processing makes it easier for me to practice sharing my emotions.
posted by geek anachronism at 12:24 AM on January 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
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This is a decently respected book/concept in therapy circles, so I encourage you to bring it up with your therapist. The book is a quick read and I found it informative and helpful. I'm much more confident that my needs aren't neediness, and where the boundary is between those two experiences is something I'm now happy to assess in the moment.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:50 AM on January 11, 2022 [4 favorites]