Coping After Miscarriage
June 30, 2022 9:38 AM Subscribe
I recently had a miscarriage, and because of physical complications, it has been over a month of hell. This is my second, I had a very early loss this year as well. Now that I am over the worst of it physically, I am having a second wave of grief. If you have been through this, how did you cope?
This is my second pregnancy and second miscarriage. The first was from conception in January and lost at 4.5 weeks and this one was from conception in March and lost at 9 weeks. Due to complications (retained "products"), I am only now getting the last of the HCG out of my system (still testing positive, as of two days ago), only now not bleeding as much, and haven't been "allowed" to have sex for over a month. I don't know when I'll be able to safely try again, perhaps in a couple weeks and perhaps not for another month or two. It depends on when I heal (physically) and when my cycle starts again.
I am feeling pretty hopeless. My OBGYN has been great, and thinks (after testing) that it is probably due to bad luck more than any systemic issue, especially since my luck is worse due to my age (36) and a systemic issue seems unlikely given that we conceived quickly twice in a row. Still, I am terrified that I won't be able to have children or the family that I long for.
I finally told my closest friends and my mom, but they all got pregnant on their first try, had healthy pregnancies and children, and have never had a miscarriage. So while on the one hand they have been supportive, they can't really empathize. They aren't really that worried about the miscarriage anymore but of course it's still weighing very heavily on me.
It hasn't put me into a depression per se, but I am definitely still grieving and that grief casts a pall over everything. I just don't care about my work and can't imagine caring about it. I can barely imagine caring about anything. My beloved grandmother also died during this time, and while her death is mostly a release (she had severe dementia), it has still not been easy. I imagine a world where she's alive and so is my baby and they could meet, or at least I could take a picture of them together. It is so crushing to think that they're all gone. And it has been month after month of this, we've been trying since January and now all we have to show for it are medical expenses and grief. This has brought my partner and me closer, but we're having very different experiences because although he is devastated, I am the one dealing with it in my body.
As a sort of icing on the cake, I had an incomplete miscarriage, then took abortion pills which also didn't work, then had to have a D&C on the day the Supreme Court handed down their anti-abortion decision. I am in a state that has abortion protection written into its Constitution but the Supreme Court's decision makes me viscerally afraid for my life. The retained "products" this time were already partly necrotized when they took them out, and may have caused infection. I could die if this were to happen again post abortion ban. It sounds ridiculous and selfish to say that I'm afraid for my life because we don't have a ban yet, but that's how I feel anyhow.
Anyway, I'm feeling pretty terrible. I'm trying to get back to work and concentrate but it's been hard. I'm happy and excited to be getting married next month but it also feels like cold comfort.
If you've coped with miscarriages, before having any living children, and had these fears and this grief, how did you get through it? What did you think about or imagine or visualize, what rituals or experiences did you do, did you read or watch anything that helped?
This is my second pregnancy and second miscarriage. The first was from conception in January and lost at 4.5 weeks and this one was from conception in March and lost at 9 weeks. Due to complications (retained "products"), I am only now getting the last of the HCG out of my system (still testing positive, as of two days ago), only now not bleeding as much, and haven't been "allowed" to have sex for over a month. I don't know when I'll be able to safely try again, perhaps in a couple weeks and perhaps not for another month or two. It depends on when I heal (physically) and when my cycle starts again.
I am feeling pretty hopeless. My OBGYN has been great, and thinks (after testing) that it is probably due to bad luck more than any systemic issue, especially since my luck is worse due to my age (36) and a systemic issue seems unlikely given that we conceived quickly twice in a row. Still, I am terrified that I won't be able to have children or the family that I long for.
I finally told my closest friends and my mom, but they all got pregnant on their first try, had healthy pregnancies and children, and have never had a miscarriage. So while on the one hand they have been supportive, they can't really empathize. They aren't really that worried about the miscarriage anymore but of course it's still weighing very heavily on me.
It hasn't put me into a depression per se, but I am definitely still grieving and that grief casts a pall over everything. I just don't care about my work and can't imagine caring about it. I can barely imagine caring about anything. My beloved grandmother also died during this time, and while her death is mostly a release (she had severe dementia), it has still not been easy. I imagine a world where she's alive and so is my baby and they could meet, or at least I could take a picture of them together. It is so crushing to think that they're all gone. And it has been month after month of this, we've been trying since January and now all we have to show for it are medical expenses and grief. This has brought my partner and me closer, but we're having very different experiences because although he is devastated, I am the one dealing with it in my body.
As a sort of icing on the cake, I had an incomplete miscarriage, then took abortion pills which also didn't work, then had to have a D&C on the day the Supreme Court handed down their anti-abortion decision. I am in a state that has abortion protection written into its Constitution but the Supreme Court's decision makes me viscerally afraid for my life. The retained "products" this time were already partly necrotized when they took them out, and may have caused infection. I could die if this were to happen again post abortion ban. It sounds ridiculous and selfish to say that I'm afraid for my life because we don't have a ban yet, but that's how I feel anyhow.
Anyway, I'm feeling pretty terrible. I'm trying to get back to work and concentrate but it's been hard. I'm happy and excited to be getting married next month but it also feels like cold comfort.
If you've coped with miscarriages, before having any living children, and had these fears and this grief, how did you get through it? What did you think about or imagine or visualize, what rituals or experiences did you do, did you read or watch anything that helped?
We lost our son at full term.
The pain will not ever go away. But, over time, the grieving will. I would suggest finding a local support group. Here in Seattle there was a group called P. S. My Baby Died. Hearing other people’s stories, and grieving together, was really helpful. You think your horror story is bad, and then you hear other people’s stories that seem even worse.
I am sorry for your loss…
posted by Windopaene at 9:52 AM on June 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
The pain will not ever go away. But, over time, the grieving will. I would suggest finding a local support group. Here in Seattle there was a group called P. S. My Baby Died. Hearing other people’s stories, and grieving together, was really helpful. You think your horror story is bad, and then you hear other people’s stories that seem even worse.
I am sorry for your loss…
posted by Windopaene at 9:52 AM on June 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
I am so, so sorry this happened. I also had two miscarriages, one of which was medically complicated. I also felt a lot of grief for a long time and wondered whether I would ever successfully get pregnant, which was compounded by further infertility issues.
The uncertainty made it really difficult.
I don’t think you can skip over grief. You have to let it run its course and give it some space in your life for a while. Please know that it extremely normal to feel intense grief and even though miscarriage is a taboo topic in many circles, you absolutely get to decide how you want to talk about it, think about it, and feel about it (it is not ridiculous to be afraid for your life due to the abortion ban).
Things that helped me were spending time outside, exercising, therapy (and, eventually, EMDR therapy for trauma), talking to others who’d had similar struggles, and even talking to others who hadn’t. And in those moments when it felt overwhelming, honestly just letting myself feel sad for a while.
posted by mai at 10:00 AM on June 30, 2022 [5 favorites]
The uncertainty made it really difficult.
I don’t think you can skip over grief. You have to let it run its course and give it some space in your life for a while. Please know that it extremely normal to feel intense grief and even though miscarriage is a taboo topic in many circles, you absolutely get to decide how you want to talk about it, think about it, and feel about it (it is not ridiculous to be afraid for your life due to the abortion ban).
Things that helped me were spending time outside, exercising, therapy (and, eventually, EMDR therapy for trauma), talking to others who’d had similar struggles, and even talking to others who hadn’t. And in those moments when it felt overwhelming, honestly just letting myself feel sad for a while.
posted by mai at 10:00 AM on June 30, 2022 [5 favorites]
I'm so very sorry. It's the worst, the absolute worst, and it can really consume you. I started trying when I was 31, had four miscarriages in a row, then one living child (conceived the "usual" way when I was 34), then two more miscarriages, then a second living child (conceived via IVF when I was 36). We had all the testing, starting after the second miscarriage; nothing ever turned up, no structural issues, just "bad luck."
What was especially hard, I think, was never knowing when or if we would have a living child. I often thought, if I could just KNOW that I would have X number of miscarriages, or it would take X number of years, but then our baby would be in our arms, I could handle that - but the uncertainty is so hard, and unfortunately there's nothing to do about it but just sit with it.
As for what helped me (a real hodge-podge):
- a couple sessions with a grief therapist
- going to a support group through RESOLVE
- finding a mentor through Fruitful Fertility (unfortunately now defunct)
- Reddit, specifically subreddits for miscarriage and infertility (and later for pregnancy after loss)
- talking to my husband and close girlfriends
- the website Glow in the Woods (more geared toward infant and child loss, but still helped me)
- this guided meditation on enduring hard things
- finding ways to feel good in my body when I felt like it was letting me down (for me this was yoga and spinning)
I deeply hope that life brings you what you're wishing for. Please feel free to MeMail me if you ever want to talk. (And congratulations on your upcoming wedding - I hope it's a day full of joy even in this time of grief.)
posted by Synesthesia at 10:31 AM on June 30, 2022 [7 favorites]
What was especially hard, I think, was never knowing when or if we would have a living child. I often thought, if I could just KNOW that I would have X number of miscarriages, or it would take X number of years, but then our baby would be in our arms, I could handle that - but the uncertainty is so hard, and unfortunately there's nothing to do about it but just sit with it.
As for what helped me (a real hodge-podge):
- a couple sessions with a grief therapist
- going to a support group through RESOLVE
- finding a mentor through Fruitful Fertility (unfortunately now defunct)
- Reddit, specifically subreddits for miscarriage and infertility (and later for pregnancy after loss)
- talking to my husband and close girlfriends
- the website Glow in the Woods (more geared toward infant and child loss, but still helped me)
- this guided meditation on enduring hard things
- finding ways to feel good in my body when I felt like it was letting me down (for me this was yoga and spinning)
I deeply hope that life brings you what you're wishing for. Please feel free to MeMail me if you ever want to talk. (And congratulations on your upcoming wedding - I hope it's a day full of joy even in this time of grief.)
posted by Synesthesia at 10:31 AM on June 30, 2022 [7 favorites]
I am a person who believes in past and future lives. Before my 1st mc, I had the most amazing dream, a young boy ran to me and the relief from him was palpable, he was finally with his mommy. I believe this dream was literally upon conception because 2wks later on a missed cycle I discovered I was pregnant. So the (relatively early) loss was sad.
I looked at it as: at least we had that brief time together; he came with me to temple twice and received blessings and teachings, maybe this was his last pass to clear out some karmic debt before spring boarding to his next lifetime, and may I treasure all little children for one of them may be him.
On a practical note look into a hysterosalpingogram or tubal flush, it’s a simple procedure where they quite literally flush the Fallopian tubes with saline to clear out the accumulated schmutz; after two early mc at 38 I got and stayed pregnant literally the month of my procedure and everyone is healthy. Look at it this way; you’re able to get pregnant fairly easily ! That’s half the battle. Very soon one will stick.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:46 AM on June 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
I looked at it as: at least we had that brief time together; he came with me to temple twice and received blessings and teachings, maybe this was his last pass to clear out some karmic debt before spring boarding to his next lifetime, and may I treasure all little children for one of them may be him.
On a practical note look into a hysterosalpingogram or tubal flush, it’s a simple procedure where they quite literally flush the Fallopian tubes with saline to clear out the accumulated schmutz; after two early mc at 38 I got and stayed pregnant literally the month of my procedure and everyone is healthy. Look at it this way; you’re able to get pregnant fairly easily ! That’s half the battle. Very soon one will stick.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:46 AM on June 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
I had an ectopic pregnancy (and a resulting laparoscopic salpingectomy), later an early miscarriage, then a failed egg retrieval, then an open pelvic surgery to remove a fibroid, and finally a successful pregnancy (with no fertility treatment involved) when I was 41. I had an uneventful and very comfortable pregnancy until a placental abruption at 36 weeks and a very emergency C-section under general. But the baby was healthy (tiny but never needed to be in the NICU) and I recovered nicely and we are all good. In the end, I was unlucky in some aspects and very lucky in others.
It's a really rough road, but I want to tell you that it's not too late. I really hope for a lovely healthy baby for you, and I really hope for you that the worst parts of this experience are behind you. You may find that infertility and miscarriage groups feel supportive; I mostly found that sharing my experiences openly with my closest friends was helpful, especially those that had had pregnancy issues or other types of substantial grief or loss. In my personal experience, every man I know, including to some degree my spouse, was wholly unequipped to be supportive in any way.
posted by vunder at 11:17 AM on June 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
It's a really rough road, but I want to tell you that it's not too late. I really hope for a lovely healthy baby for you, and I really hope for you that the worst parts of this experience are behind you. You may find that infertility and miscarriage groups feel supportive; I mostly found that sharing my experiences openly with my closest friends was helpful, especially those that had had pregnancy issues or other types of substantial grief or loss. In my personal experience, every man I know, including to some degree my spouse, was wholly unequipped to be supportive in any way.
posted by vunder at 11:17 AM on June 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
Reddit has surprisingly robust communities for pregnancy loss and infertility. I suggest checking out r/miscarriage, r/ttcafterloss, and r/infertility.
posted by rodneyaug at 2:00 PM on June 30, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by rodneyaug at 2:00 PM on June 30, 2022 [4 favorites]
I had a miscarriage followed by a high risk pregnancy, which has ended in a baby who I'm holding now because he only naps reliably when someone holds him, the stinker. He's perfectly healthy even though we were worried about him the whole pregnancy due to some cord placement issues. Just wanted to say that sometimes things work out and there is an end to this particular set of worries and the endless waiting.
I coped by drinking beer after every unsuccessful month, exercising, and trying not to think too hard about what I couldn't control. Bodies are going to do what they do. It sucks when it doesn't work and all you can do is keep fighting for the future you want.
Also it's crazy that none of your friends had a miscarriage, virtually every single one of mine have, and many have had multiple miscarriages.
posted by _cave at 2:15 PM on June 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
I coped by drinking beer after every unsuccessful month, exercising, and trying not to think too hard about what I couldn't control. Bodies are going to do what they do. It sucks when it doesn't work and all you can do is keep fighting for the future you want.
Also it's crazy that none of your friends had a miscarriage, virtually every single one of mine have, and many have had multiple miscarriages.
posted by _cave at 2:15 PM on June 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
I had 3 miscarriages in just over a year, all conceived unassisted, all terminated early (5-6w). The third time was when I burst out in tears at the OB, when the MC was confirmed, because a 3rd MC confirmed to me that there really is something wrong. I coped by focusing on what I could try next. I think once I decided I was going to do X (e.g. tests, consultation, eventually IVF), I felt a bit better, even though the potentially long road ahead was scary and often depressing.
I also recommend the reddit subs like r/infertility. The various subs have really different approaches to trigger warnings and how posts are allowed, so look around, and you might find one that suits you better.
I haven't found it very useful to talk to most people who haven't had some experience of MCs/infertility themselves.
This isn't related to "coping," and I really really hope that you have success on your next try, but note that depending on where you are, the best fertility clinics can sometimes be booked way out (many months). You might want to call around and find out how things are at the clinics near you, just in case that turns out to be a step you take in the future. Also, OBs vary a lot in their experience with pregnancy loss and infertility. My OB sent me for some basic tests (thyroid, clotting, antibodies) after my 2nd miscarriage. She also recommended that we send the products of conception of the 2nd and 3rd MCs to test for chromosomal abnormalities, which we did. All of those decisions also depends on your financial/insurance situation.
Best of luck to you.
posted by bread-eater at 2:46 PM on June 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
I also recommend the reddit subs like r/infertility. The various subs have really different approaches to trigger warnings and how posts are allowed, so look around, and you might find one that suits you better.
I haven't found it very useful to talk to most people who haven't had some experience of MCs/infertility themselves.
This isn't related to "coping," and I really really hope that you have success on your next try, but note that depending on where you are, the best fertility clinics can sometimes be booked way out (many months). You might want to call around and find out how things are at the clinics near you, just in case that turns out to be a step you take in the future. Also, OBs vary a lot in their experience with pregnancy loss and infertility. My OB sent me for some basic tests (thyroid, clotting, antibodies) after my 2nd miscarriage. She also recommended that we send the products of conception of the 2nd and 3rd MCs to test for chromosomal abnormalities, which we did. All of those decisions also depends on your financial/insurance situation.
Best of luck to you.
posted by bread-eater at 2:46 PM on June 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
I have not had a miscarriage but my mother has and takes some comfort from (and recommends to her therapy clients) The Japanese Way of Grieving a Miscarriage.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:59 PM on June 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:59 PM on June 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
Oof this was me 15 years ago. I had two back to back miscarriages after heartbeats had been detected both times and for added insult after several years of infertility and treatments. 2007 and 2008 SUCKED. In both cases there was chromosomal anomaly - Turner's syndrome - which back to back was incredibly rare. I was winning the shitty lottery at every turn it felt like. Those were dark days.
I got through them in a variety of ways: I shared my grief with my family and friends, almost all of whom had zero experience with miscarriage or worse, explained it away as God's plan which really infuriated me since I'm an atheist. I too read about the Japanese method of grieving and while I appreciated it, I could not really see how to apply it to my situation. I blogged terribly and had a lot of support from anonymous strangers on the internet.
But, in the end, I just pushed through. I found a new fertility doctor after my other doctor declared me to be "his hard luck patient" or something similarly cringe and not in the least bit helpful (never mind that he shared an office with a maternal fetal specialist - DO NOT GET ME STARTED). I surrounded myself with friends who either were happily child free or had older kids who were long grown. And, in 2009 I got pregnant with IVF # 3 and 9 months later became a mom*. The baby is now 12 and calls me "bruh". I ended up getting pregnant naturally 2 years later and had my daughter without any problems.
So Churchill's adage if you're going through hell, keep going really ended up resonating with me because what other choice do you have? Take care of yourself but also get answers and find good supportive professionals to help. Consider see a reproductive endocrinologist - while you have no problem conceiving you could have some issue with clotting or progesterone. Knowledge is power and puts you in a better situation to advocate for yourself.
The pain of those losses is still there as in the missed opportunity of what if. I still think sometimes how old those children would be now and it still hurts to see the kids of my friends who had them during that time period. But, it is so much better. Feel free to IM me.
* my miscarriages and infertility conspired to convince me that the pregnancy would not last and so by the time the kid arrived, I was shocked (!) that he lived and I was completely unprepared for the tectonic shift that occurred in my life = major post partum depression. Not saying to scare you if and when you get to the point of a viable pregnancy and you're staring down the probability that a baby will come home with you, this could be a problem.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 3:27 PM on June 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
I got through them in a variety of ways: I shared my grief with my family and friends, almost all of whom had zero experience with miscarriage or worse, explained it away as God's plan which really infuriated me since I'm an atheist. I too read about the Japanese method of grieving and while I appreciated it, I could not really see how to apply it to my situation. I blogged terribly and had a lot of support from anonymous strangers on the internet.
But, in the end, I just pushed through. I found a new fertility doctor after my other doctor declared me to be "his hard luck patient" or something similarly cringe and not in the least bit helpful (never mind that he shared an office with a maternal fetal specialist - DO NOT GET ME STARTED). I surrounded myself with friends who either were happily child free or had older kids who were long grown. And, in 2009 I got pregnant with IVF # 3 and 9 months later became a mom*. The baby is now 12 and calls me "bruh". I ended up getting pregnant naturally 2 years later and had my daughter without any problems.
So Churchill's adage if you're going through hell, keep going really ended up resonating with me because what other choice do you have? Take care of yourself but also get answers and find good supportive professionals to help. Consider see a reproductive endocrinologist - while you have no problem conceiving you could have some issue with clotting or progesterone. Knowledge is power and puts you in a better situation to advocate for yourself.
The pain of those losses is still there as in the missed opportunity of what if. I still think sometimes how old those children would be now and it still hurts to see the kids of my friends who had them during that time period. But, it is so much better. Feel free to IM me.
* my miscarriages and infertility conspired to convince me that the pregnancy would not last and so by the time the kid arrived, I was shocked (!) that he lived and I was completely unprepared for the tectonic shift that occurred in my life = major post partum depression. Not saying to scare you if and when you get to the point of a viable pregnancy and you're staring down the probability that a baby will come home with you, this could be a problem.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 3:27 PM on June 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks prior to having two healthy babies in complicated but ultimately uneventful pregnancies.
I was an absolute mess after my miscarriage. I felt very alone, because my partner was sad but in a different way. I was worried I did something wrong. I was worried that I did nothing wrong and that meant there was no way to prevent it the next time. It was awful. I functioned but barely for several months.
Things that helped -
- taking the time to really grieve. Like, I spent a whole weekend sobbing a few weeks after the ordeal was done. Didn’t get out of bed or interact with anyone.
- talking with my spouse. Again he was sad differently and had a hard time explaining it to me. He bought a cupcake on the baby’s due date for us to share which was very sweet and sort of ridiculous all at once.
- therapy. It was the first time I went to therapy. I called a recommended therapist who asked how she could help me and I just started sobbing and said I didn’t know. But she helped me work through things, especially my paralyzing fear of it happening again. She also helped me name my grief and helped me figure out a ritual that helped heal (even ex-Catholics love a ritual).
- getting pregnant again, when ready (which for be turned out to be the day our first baby had been due. Also the day my partners grandma died. Weird eh?)
- time. Not an easy answer but a truthful one.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sucks. I hope things get easier. I’m happy to chat if you want to pm.
posted by dpx.mfx at 11:29 PM on June 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
I was an absolute mess after my miscarriage. I felt very alone, because my partner was sad but in a different way. I was worried I did something wrong. I was worried that I did nothing wrong and that meant there was no way to prevent it the next time. It was awful. I functioned but barely for several months.
Things that helped -
- taking the time to really grieve. Like, I spent a whole weekend sobbing a few weeks after the ordeal was done. Didn’t get out of bed or interact with anyone.
- talking with my spouse. Again he was sad differently and had a hard time explaining it to me. He bought a cupcake on the baby’s due date for us to share which was very sweet and sort of ridiculous all at once.
- therapy. It was the first time I went to therapy. I called a recommended therapist who asked how she could help me and I just started sobbing and said I didn’t know. But she helped me work through things, especially my paralyzing fear of it happening again. She also helped me name my grief and helped me figure out a ritual that helped heal (even ex-Catholics love a ritual).
- getting pregnant again, when ready (which for be turned out to be the day our first baby had been due. Also the day my partners grandma died. Weird eh?)
- time. Not an easy answer but a truthful one.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sucks. I hope things get easier. I’m happy to chat if you want to pm.
posted by dpx.mfx at 11:29 PM on June 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
Years of infertility, followed by two miscarriages, followed by a rough pregnancy and birth.
One miscarriage was at 10 weeks, the other at about 8, in both situations the embryo implanted, developed far too slowly, then stopped developing.
It was slow motion hell.
The first time I miscarried on my bathroom floor while trying to schedule a D&C, I was rushed to the ER with excessive blood loss, and I needed Cytotec to complete the process. The second, I was able to schedule the procedure in time, which was far less traumatic.
Every time reproductive health is in the news, the trauma floods back, and I play a game with myself where I imagine all the places I could have been refused care, or hounded by authorities. This game has no winners.
I was diagnosed via endometrial biopsy with a pre-receptive uterus, basically, my hormones are out of whack and reject pregnancy. I was able to get and stay pregnant by adjusting my IVF protocols.
I coped by watching dumb TV on my iPad while waiting to see what my body did. I wailed to others who have been through it (many of us have). I wallowed then rolled on.
posted by champers at 12:22 PM on July 1, 2022
One miscarriage was at 10 weeks, the other at about 8, in both situations the embryo implanted, developed far too slowly, then stopped developing.
It was slow motion hell.
The first time I miscarried on my bathroom floor while trying to schedule a D&C, I was rushed to the ER with excessive blood loss, and I needed Cytotec to complete the process. The second, I was able to schedule the procedure in time, which was far less traumatic.
Every time reproductive health is in the news, the trauma floods back, and I play a game with myself where I imagine all the places I could have been refused care, or hounded by authorities. This game has no winners.
I was diagnosed via endometrial biopsy with a pre-receptive uterus, basically, my hormones are out of whack and reject pregnancy. I was able to get and stay pregnant by adjusting my IVF protocols.
I coped by watching dumb TV on my iPad while waiting to see what my body did. I wailed to others who have been through it (many of us have). I wallowed then rolled on.
posted by champers at 12:22 PM on July 1, 2022
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
I have had five miscarriages, with three being consecutive. It sucks. It also sucks when the people you normally go to for support don't have the same experience. I second the Reddit groups. In addition to support from folks who have an understanding of what you're experiencing, you might also gain some ideas of what to try next. This current environment is also not good. I am in a state where I am concerned about what happens if i have another issue. I already had trouble obtaining the pill for my incomplete miscarriage. It is okay to be gentle with yourself and sit those discussions, new stories, debates, etc out for now until you're in a better place. Therapy is also good. Also, you get to choose how you do you. You are not on anybody's timeline for healing but your own. Don't let anybody make you feel otherwise.
It is also okay for you to be gentle with yourself when you get pregnant again. There's nothing wrong with you if you choose not to celebrate it until you feel safe to do so. There's nothing wrong if you request repeat betas. (You say your OBGYN is understanding; i'm guessing they will order these if requested. Mine--a fertility specialist--very kindly did repeat testing around my times of loss during my pregnancy that completed. It was reassuring and a kindness that will always make me strongly recommend her.)
I'm a person who copes by figuring out "What next?" If you have the sort of insurance where you can self refer, you can go see a reproductive specialist. Sometimes if you're over the age of 35, they'll start looking at recurrent miscarriage after two episodes vs, three. Research to find someone you like. read up on treatments. Again, Reddit is good, but i would suggest avoiding the Trying to Conceive boards on Baby Center and the like. Those can get a little wild.
Wishing you healing energy.
posted by BlueBear at 1:51 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
I have had five miscarriages, with three being consecutive. It sucks. It also sucks when the people you normally go to for support don't have the same experience. I second the Reddit groups. In addition to support from folks who have an understanding of what you're experiencing, you might also gain some ideas of what to try next. This current environment is also not good. I am in a state where I am concerned about what happens if i have another issue. I already had trouble obtaining the pill for my incomplete miscarriage. It is okay to be gentle with yourself and sit those discussions, new stories, debates, etc out for now until you're in a better place. Therapy is also good. Also, you get to choose how you do you. You are not on anybody's timeline for healing but your own. Don't let anybody make you feel otherwise.
It is also okay for you to be gentle with yourself when you get pregnant again. There's nothing wrong with you if you choose not to celebrate it until you feel safe to do so. There's nothing wrong if you request repeat betas. (You say your OBGYN is understanding; i'm guessing they will order these if requested. Mine--a fertility specialist--very kindly did repeat testing around my times of loss during my pregnancy that completed. It was reassuring and a kindness that will always make me strongly recommend her.)
I'm a person who copes by figuring out "What next?" If you have the sort of insurance where you can self refer, you can go see a reproductive specialist. Sometimes if you're over the age of 35, they'll start looking at recurrent miscarriage after two episodes vs, three. Research to find someone you like. read up on treatments. Again, Reddit is good, but i would suggest avoiding the Trying to Conceive boards on Baby Center and the like. Those can get a little wild.
Wishing you healing energy.
posted by BlueBear at 1:51 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
I’d like to recommend Reddit as well, specifically r/ttcafterloss and r/stilltrying (as in, we’re still trying for a baby).
I also recommend Resolve support groups. Many people that attend groups are deep in the IVF process and further down the infertility path than you are, but you won’t be the only one with your story, and everyone shares the common underlying fear - that your hopes & plans for your life might not be attainable. (To be clear, those are fears, not realities, for most people. But the fear is still very real.)
posted by samthemander at 11:29 PM on July 2, 2022
I also recommend Resolve support groups. Many people that attend groups are deep in the IVF process and further down the infertility path than you are, but you won’t be the only one with your story, and everyone shares the common underlying fear - that your hopes & plans for your life might not be attainable. (To be clear, those are fears, not realities, for most people. But the fear is still very real.)
posted by samthemander at 11:29 PM on July 2, 2022
« Older Literary works about large friend group dynamics... | Support for Children with Febrile Seizures Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by socky_puppy at 9:46 AM on June 30, 2022