I want to lose another 40 pounds before I have a baby but I feel like I can't do it. There are many issues (long post)

January 19, 2009 8:19 AM

I exercise all the time and have tried many things to help my weight but I am having a crisis of motivation.

I am a 35 year old married woman. I stared out at about 250 pounds. I now weigh about 190. I have changed a lot of my eating habits through weight watchers and seeing a nutritionist. Weight Watchers was tough for me because I hate counting, and it brought out the worst in me. I hated the weigh in thing, it made me feel like it was a test that I was preparing for every week, and regardless of how much I studied sometimes I would fail. Once I had gained 3 pounds at a weigh in and the lady who checked me in looked at me like I had cancer. Also, because of the points system, I would eat things that by any other measure would be considered unhealthy - really processed, etc. Lean Cuisine frozen meals, 100 calorie packs of cookies.
The nutritionist helped me to lose the most weight. When I worked with her I ate very well, but I kinda burned myself out on certain things. I don't think I can eat oatmeal ever again. And salad every day makes me want to kill myself.
I have a really busy lifestyle. I work at a school far away, and I have a side business. I also work out - A LOT. I am at the gym usually about 5 times a week, sometimes 6. I am there between 10-15 hours a week and I do cardio on my own and I also take group fitness classes with some strength training. I wear a heart rate monitor and I burn between 3,000 and 5,000 calories every week. The calorie count is a huge motivator for me and I try to burn as many calories as I can.
Sometimes exercise seems effortless, and I love it and it makes me feel good, and other times, like recently after I worked out for 13 days in a row, I feel like I hate exercise so much I never want to do it again. I had a trainer for a long time, and he was working with me on balancing motivation and goals with common sense, but he moved on to another gym.
I feel like I binge on the exercise sometimes, and that I use it as a way to get rid of overeating, or to get rid of the guilt I feel from overeating. I work out so much, I doubt I could work out any more than I do. If I went commando I could probably up my intensity some, but not much. I fantasize about running and being a marathon runner, but I have issues with my knees and ankles. I have done 3 sprint distance triathlons, and the running has always been challenging for me.
I feel kind of desperate these days like this is the best I am evergoing to do with my weight. I have come a long way but I can feel myself backsliding. I have eaten “normal” food for a while now - pizza, some candy, cookies, etc. I used to binge eat - mostly candy and sweets. And I feel like this is something that I am coming dangerously close to doing once again. I don’t really have a lot in my life that I enjoy, and food is one of those things that I look to in order provide myself with rewards and pleasure. I know that this is central to the problem. But I am not really sure what to do about it.
The desperation is undermining me. I went on a serious campaign to lose this weight in the first place and I am exhausted at this point. I feel like I want to give up, but I know that if I do, I will not be happy.
The situation is compounded by the fact that I want to have a child pretty soon. I would like to be a “normal” weight before I get pregnant – like 150lbs. Take into account that I am soon to be 36 and I hear the bio-clock ticking and the pressure is on in a big way. The idea of gaining any weight is abhorrent to me, and yet I feel like I must have a child soon. Because I work in a school, getting pregnant this summer would be the ideal time. In fact I was supposed to get pregnant this past summer, but I chickened out because I wanted to lose more weight before doing that. But I have not lost much more weight since then.
Genetics are not on my side either. My mom had a gastric bypass when she was 350 lbs. She went down to 200 lbs or even less, but then she was diagnosed with cancer and died. My dad is also enormous and has diabetes. They were both morbidly obese my whole life.
I feel like I am going to be a fat pig anyhow, so why not be happy and eat what I want. If I cannot be thin with the kind of work I have put into it by now, it’s never going to happen so maybe I should just resign myself to a lifetime of horrible fat clothes and people feeling sorry for me and hating me because I am fat. What can I do to help myself? How can I lose more weight? Is that even the problem?
I am in therapy and have been for 11 or so years. Most of the weight gain in the first place came from ant-depressant medications that I have not been on for quite some time. The exercise keeps the depression at bay most of the time but if I exercise too much, the exhaustion/burnout feels like depression, and it takes a while to recover from it.

posted by marlys27 to health & fitness (17 answers total)

Look into OA. They helped me deal with many of the same issues you are facing.
posted by unixrat at 8:35 AM on January 19, 2009

Please, please, please look into low carb dieting. You sound like exactly the sort of person that would benefit from such an approach. You'll be able to control your cravings for sugar and starch and eat like a "normal person", without crazy ups and downs in blood sugar levels. This will also have the happy side effect of lowering your risk of getting diabetes.
I was pretty skeptical about low carb to begin with, but after years of following low-fat diets with little progress, I was amazed at how the pounds just fell off. It was easy, I liked the food I was eating and I wasn't starving myself. You could get started by looking at the forums here. If you'd like to know more, please PM me.
posted by peacheater at 8:39 AM on January 19, 2009

Do you realise that muscle weighs more than fat? If you're doing a lot of exercise, you may be gaining muscle mass, which will make you weigh more, but you'll actually be less fat.

I think the problem may be that you're punishing yourself for being fat. I'm not saying that being fat is a good thing, but maybe you could come to terms with the fact a little more, instead of trying to click your fingers and make it go away.

One thing you might consider is seeing a therapist of some kind, to help you learn better, more encouraging ways to view yourself. You're obviously hard working, for example, and I'm actually jealous about how much exercise you get.
posted by Solomon at 8:40 AM on January 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

From what you've written, you have a very unhealthy attitude toward food, exercise and your body.

Start by taking ownership of your body and your attitude towards it. I'll give you an example - Weight Watchers didn't make you eat Lean Cuisines. You decided to spend your points on Lean Cuisines. Also, the nutritionist didn't make you eat better - you did that.

The theme here is that you are describing obsessive behavior in all aspects of your food/body relationship: eating, working out, tracking workout calories, worrying about your pre-pregnancy weight. This is big, complex issue that you'll probably need some professional help to sort. A counselor with experience helping people with disordered eating may be a real benefit to you and you child-to-be.
posted by 26.2 at 8:45 AM on January 19, 2009

I simply look at it as the best single investment you can make in your life. This and this alone consistently keeps me motivated.
posted by Macallister Vagabond at 8:45 AM on January 19, 2009

I feel like I am going to be a fat pig anyhow, so why not be happy and eat what I want.

You won't be happy though. From the way you've described it, it sounds like you're fully aware of this.

Maybe you should shake things up in the exercise department. Have you considered taking up a sport of some kind? If you're a bit competitive, but don't mind laughing at yourself then taking up a new sport can be a blast. Perhaps you should try a bit more weight training? Free weights can be fun and rewarding.
posted by ODiV at 8:48 AM on January 19, 2009

I did the Master Cleanse to reset my system. Afterwards, I found that I was sensitive to salt and white flour (no allergies but I didn't feel great after eating them) - which has prompted me to be more aware of foods that are good for my body. It got to the point where I could look in the fridge and think, "Uh no I don't want to eat that."

My friend does colonics for the same reason.

The most important thing is to find the diet that is right for your body. For weight loss, I hear Somersizing is great but if you're looking for a lifestyle change and something permanent (great for your health anyway), focus on the foods that provide the nutrition you need without taxing your system.
posted by HolyWood at 8:52 AM on January 19, 2009

> I stared out at about 250 pounds. I now weigh about 190

Congratulations! That's a life-changing amount to lose.

> I exercise all the time and have tried many things to help my weight but I am having a crisis of motivation.

Giving myself an incentive by putting money on it worked for me: http://opinionjournal.com/taste/?id=110011081. I went from 250 to my target goal of 180.

If it's what you want, stick with it--you can do it.
posted by roofone at 9:10 AM on January 19, 2009

To me it sounds like you've made a lot of progress -- healthier food, lost weight, exercise, all while juggling a busy lifestyle. You've made completely different decisions than your parents. Yay! But you don't seem to be enjoying yourself and are getting a bit OCD on the calorie counter and other numbers. So I like ODiV's idea of shaking up your exercise plan to try to find something more social or fun. Also, you sound a bit depressed.

I have a friend who went through something similar and she found OA to be helpful, and also the strategy of eating many small meals of a certain good type re the glycemic index (like nuts and whole grains). Maybe find a new nutritionist for some new ideas?

I'm sure you know this, but you don't have to have a biological child to be a parent. And 190 is not a big fat pig or whatever you said.

Good luck!
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:25 AM on January 19, 2009

Congratulations on your weight loss. It is quite the accomplishment. You should be very proud of yourself. Your exercise routine is commendable. Your cardiovascular system is probably in excellent shape. Do you know how big this is? In the land of couch potatoes? 13 days of exercise isn't harmful, but do take a break if you feel burned out.

You're bored now. It's quite common at this point in the weight loss journey. Maybe you're at a point where you don't feel too fat. You're probably at a point where you can shop in "normal" stores and fat isn't the first thing people see when they look at you. You're getting comfortable.

You are not going to be a fat pig, anyhow. Stop this destructive thinking.

You want to be at a healthy weight and this is no time to throw in the towel. You have to believe that you are worthy. You are worthy of having a healthy weight. Your goal is possible. Binge eating is probably one of the most difficult things to kick. It's like a drug habit. There are methods to quit binge eating. OA is one that has been mentioned. There are many books on the subject, and there are trained therapists that can help you with curbing binge eating. (It sounds like you've already have had a great deal of progress in this area). It might take a lot of years, and a lot of hard work, until you get to the point where you a normal eater and don't have body issues. It might never happen (I have heard the theory that most women in our country has some sort of eating issue). You have already greatly improved.

It may be a good idea to get back to basics and start recording everything you put into your mouth. Plan everything and eat three meals and two healthy snacks. Plan your environment so that you aren't around candy or junk. Have backup plans when your original plan doesn't pan out. You don't have to eat oatmeal or salads. As you know, there are tons of recipes that taste great and are also healthy. Try new foods. Try new exercises. Switch things up. Send yourself motivational quotes. Stick affirmations on your bathroom mirror and at your desk. Get a new haircut. Download motivational podcasts (like Inside Out Weight Loss on iTunes and Pamela Peeke's Fit to Live. Visualization helps. Don't just visualize yourself at 150 in a bikini, visualize the entire process or reaching your goal. Visualize and try to "feel" the process of exercising, eating healthfully, avoiding binges, etc. Visualize and sense yourself at a restaurant or event without overeating. Visualize yourself on the scale at 185, 180, 175, and so on onto 150. Visualize yourself trying on smaller and smaller sizes and eating normal portions of healthy food. Visualize yourself saying, "no thank you" to a particular food or drink. Visualize yourself running faster. Visualize yourself taking a day off and enjoying it.

I wouldn't get too caught up on the 150 pound goal. A normal BMI might be a better goal. Or, a point where you feel really good. It might be less, or more than, 150. Life shouldn't start when you reach the 150 pound mark. Your life probably won't be much different when you reach some magical number. If you get pregnant now, it's OK. You're allowed to love yourself at 190. I hope that you do. Negative thoughts are hard to kick, and it seems so simplistic and naive for me to suggest that you try to stop them. But, you should work to replace some of your negative thoughts about your body with positive ones. If you feel that you may never feel good about your body, or don't feel good about it now, you should work with a professional.

Don't give up on yourself. (Don't go on some crazy diet that cuts a food group. You'll only gain everything back.) It isn't about the food. Be real. Love yourself and keep going. You're worth it.
posted by Fairchild at 10:00 AM on January 19, 2009 [3 favorites]

With the medical history you've described for yourself and your parents... have you ever been checked for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome? It's a kissin' cousin of diabetes, affects a lot of women, and makes it extremely easy to gain and difficult to lose weight.

If this is what is making your weight not reflect your diet/exercise, a medication called Metformin may really help you. When I was put on it, it was like my body woke up and realized it wasn't the size it was supposed to be; a very liveable diet and next to no exercise took 60 pounds off me in five months.
posted by Gianna at 10:18 AM on January 19, 2009

Kudos for reaching this point (60 lbs - that is an incredible amount! A lot of hard work)

Just a few observations. It sounds like the weigh-in process (under the scrutiny of someone else) is very painful. Take that out of this equation. Get a scale and weigh yourself every 3 weeks (if you are burning 3500 to 5000 calories a week in exercise alone, there is no way you will not lose weight every 3 weeks). My main point is do not make this a painful process.

Exercise: Believe it or not there are ways to do more (but only if you enjoy it). During the spring - fall I bike and you can go cycling for the entire day (it is not as painful on the knees as running). If you find a group, it becomes a social/fun event and part of your life. You could aim to increase the amount that you do (eg, sign up to complete a century ride after a year, or a week long bike tour, etc.). You may be able to build exercise into part of your daily life if you live in a city (eg, walk to work, walk a few miles to meet friends, etc.).

Food: it sounds like you were able to achieve eating a given number of calories working with the nutritionist. Can you push it further (eg, eliminate sugar to once a month, or cut carbs). I say this because you have noted that: 1) you enjoy sugar and a tendancy to binge eat once in a while and 2) you mentioned a relative had diabetes. Are you at risk? (are you getting tested). If it is in your family or you are in a high risk group, there are life style changes you can make to change the progression of the disease and the eventual need for medication. You have already made the necessary changes for exercise -- keep going, perhaps read up on this and keep working with a nutritionist.

Good luck. Please recognize that you have done something incredible so far.
posted by Wolfster at 10:37 AM on January 19, 2009

The desperation is undermining me. I went on a serious campaign to lose this weight in the first place and I am exhausted at this point.

You've done incredible things so far, no wonder you're exhausted.

May I suggest you take a month's hiatus from worrying about all this? In the long run a month isn't going to matter, and you definitely need time to rest and recharge your batteries.
posted by tkolar at 10:47 AM on January 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

...recently after I worked out for 13 days in a row, I feel like I hate exercise so much I never want to do it again

This sounds like you're over-training. Your body needs time to rest and recover.

For some sane workout/diet advice, please checkout Krista's awesome website, Stumptuous. Most especially, check out her before and after photos. She is a great inspiration to me on my fitness/wellness journey.
posted by burntflowers at 12:03 PM on January 19, 2009

First of all, sixty pounds is amazing! And your routine and discipline are really impressive. You have done something that a lot of people can't manage to do half of. Please, take pride in this.

Second--apart from some of the more logistical changes to your diet and exercise routine that might help you feel more inspired/less stuck--it does sound like you have some psychological issues of compulsion and obsessiveness getting in your way. And you've put a lot of pressure on yourself. You are beating up on yourself for things you haven't done, but you're not feeling pride, or deriving any other joy from, the tremendous progress you've made. What does your therapist say about all these negative feelings that have clustered around this issue?

There's a couple other questions I had about your post. You mention, almost in passing, that there's not much except food that gives you joy. And you are married and want a child, but you don't mention your significant other, or what his (? I am presuming the gender) feelings are about this diet/weight issue, or his feelings about having a child, and so on.

About having a baby. Although, sure, it would be best, you do not have to lose weight to have a baby. And that source of pressure--this is something you really want, and you're getting older--might be getting in your way, like it's just too much. I waited longer than I wanted to have a child, because I wanted my life to be in a place that it wasn't, and I regret that. If you haven't already, maybe you should talk to a doctor about your weight loss--the progress you've made and what you haven't done, vs. your age--and think about whether it's really necessary to get to 190 first.

But, then again, if you're so unhappy, maybe it's not a good idea to have a child. That is a complicated issue, and although it wasn't the focus of your question, I wonder if maybe it should be.
posted by Herkimer at 12:45 PM on January 19, 2009

Wow
Congratulations for losing so much weight. You've really done something extraordinary in this food-obsessed culture. E-bravos to you!

Since I will immodestly announce that in the last 1/2 year I've dropped 50lbs, I will weigh in with what worked for me. If it does, fine, if not ignore. Warning - this might get long. Although each person is different and weight issues are so much more complicated for women than for men, I can also empathize with your fear of never being normal, always being chunky, always having that monkey on your back, giganormous parents, the whole bit. It ain't easy, but the rewards are tremendous, as you know.

Weight Watchers.
I've been going to WW for 1/2 a year and it is worth it for me, but the problem with WW is that the leader makes the group. If you have an idiot leader then you might as well throw your dues out into the street for all the good it will do. Our group (through work) had an extraordinary leader who would never EVER chastise a person for gaining three pounds in one week. She constantly told us that losing weight and eating right is a lifelong process, sometimes difficult, mostly rewarding, and that we are up against a system in the US that wants to sell us as much cheap food as possible, and that since food is a part of life, it is inevitable that we will backslide. In fact, if we don't let ourselves go, we might backslide totally. She left on maternity leave and if the new leader isn't as good, then I am out of there. She is an extraordinary human being, let me tell you.

The reason for that long story is to suggest that if Weight Watchers isn't working for you, then either a different group or a different weight loss organization (even if it is you and a bunch of friends) might. Don't give up on the group dynamic thingie without exploring a friendlier group.
Also even though I did the points I never religiously counted, or never counted at all. but it is good to just note what I eat, when I eat it and why.

Relationship to food
We are all, every one of us food addicts because we NEED to eat to live. Addiction is built into every pore of our being. No matter what culture we are a part of, feasting is a major part of that culture. And lets face it, fatty and salty food do taste better. We are physiologically still hunter-gatherers wondering where our next meal will come from, thus when there is a tub-o-mastodon lard, we're going to tuck in.
These aren't revelations, of course, but I repeat this merely to point out that;

1) This is hard to keep on track
2) Backsliding will not necessarily mean you will be a whale-o, but backsliding is somewhat inevetable
3) food is more than fuel. If you are at a wedding, or Christmas, Hannukah or whatever well to just sit there when everyone else is gorging really sucks and reinforces your special status.
4) in this land of over-abundance we have to have a strategy to short-circuit biology and culture while at the same time be a part of it (although perhaps less so)
5) This is more difficult than for other addictions because one can just not drink. One can just not smoke. One CANNOT just not eat. And yeah, once can say "just don't eat unhealthy foods, but there is a continuum and we are conditioned to like the fattiest saltiest foods because that is what we desperately needed in the rift valley 1/2 million years ago.
6) there is no obesity chic the way there is heroin chic. Ergo someone battling a food addiction is looked at with less value by the culture when someone battling a drug addiction can go on Oprah, sell memoirs or fiction and become inspiration to the world. So let us recognize that food for me (and probably for you) is your best friend, your lover, eros, your mother. and if other people don't realize the issues or the struggles that that means, well f*ck 'em.

The strategy
1)Pat your thinner self on your thinner back. Do this every day. Be the cocky SOB everyone else hates.
2) Do NOT listen to people who lecture you about will power or you have to own your relationship to your food. Even though it is true, the drill sargeant/Dr. Phil mentality might make you, at emotionally vulnerable times, conclude you really *are* a fat load and what the heck might as well pig out. This is a fraught issue. Eventually we all have to own whatever addiction or bad habit we have to change it. But the Dr. Phil technique usually just reinforces what a weak-willed loser the recipient of such "advice" is. My older brothers used to tell me this all the time and ring-dings never looked so good after their "counseling." In other words the tone of the message sends a meta-message quite different from the message. We hear the tone, oh yes we do!
3) How to own your addiction? Damn I wish I knew, let me tell you it is a struggle, when I smell baked goods it is like the smell of sex. I imagine myself as a dog with the vomeronasal organ working overtime on all fours sniffing.

Michael Hebranko went from ~800lbs to 200, and then back to 800lbs. When he was thin someone asked him if he missed eating the crap he used to. His answer was "every minute of every day."

Thus to own it and to ultimately control it, we need to short-circuit that deep meta-feeling. And that takes practice and conscious mindfulness of the feeling we have when we are ready to crack. Plus the confidence in ourselves that we can allow ourselves to crack a bit at , say Thanksgiving dinner when Aunt Peg's pecan pie is staring you in the face, calling to you seductively with its smells like a high-calorie siren of utter primal lust.

Techniques to own one's relationship to food

1) I like to read muckraking stuff about the food industry like Marion Nestle and Michael Pollen or Fast Food nation. Then eating junk food, or avoiding it becomes a political act. and rejecting the seduction of food when the rejection is an act of political defiance is easier, and damn - it feels good. Stick it to the man and Pizza Hut!!

2) Ban the words diet from your lexicon. The only time you are to use it is when talking about the parliament of Japan. Otherwise we will feel bitter, angry, and deprived and wonder if this "dieting" thing, with all the hard work that we *have* to do. We don't have to do it, we want to do it because it makes us feel so much better, we get compliments, we are hornier etc., etc.

3) You might be beginning to plateau or at least hit the phase where I am where the results ware going to be slower. That is the way it is. Our metabolism, set up to be fat, will fight with us to the bitter end so that we are more efficient and packing away the avoirdupois. I belive the nutritionists call it your setpoint. Eventually we will lower our setpoint but it does mean a very long plateau. Skinny people have low setpoints, we don't. My WW leader told me that. I never knew that. More exercise may or may not work, but as long as you enjoy it more is better.

4) When you do feel the urge to binge and it is uncontrollable, may I suggest getting the most Yuppified, gourmet, ridiculously overpriced objet de binge? In other words, go get a $50.00 box of chocolate instead of Hershey's or even Godiva. I have noticed that when I want to binge, binging on ultra high quality gourmet versions short-circuits my brain to the point where I won't binge as much. Perhaps that is the French paradox - quality over quantity.

5) Confront people in your family or who are your friends, if they are like that who tempt you. They have their own issues, confront them, curse them, be rude to them cast them out f your life if they refuse to allow you to live your life you your own terms. I don't know if this is an issue in your life, but people struggling with food come from families struggling with food issues a lot of times, and mom and dad might not cotton to their kids suddenly eating healthfully and will "forget" when you come to visit that you don't want the junk food that you you used to eat. Again, if they can't take the fact that you are changing for the better, f*ck 'em.

6) short circuit the point when you will crack. Is it boredom @ work. is it when you are feeling that this is all there is? OK, so what can you do today when you really, really want that crap and your saying It is only ONE, or what's the difference. Well perhaps say to yourself, I won't for 45 minutes, drink a big glass of water, in 45 minutes re-assess.

Exercise
Dang, you do a lot, 13 days in a row, no wonder you hate it. Plus with work and exercise, you probably don't have time for anything else fueling resentment fueling looking at exercise as "work" or a chore to be done. You just have to do less exercise, and perhaps do other exercise things. I walk to work, 1.5 hours through Manhattan. Love it, listen to NPR. That is what I do on the days I don't exercise, since a 1.5 hour walk doesn't feel like exercise, and I am doing other things during that time. Summit is not far from NY so the climate is probably amenable to walking at any time of the year (even in January - you warm up pretty quickly - it has to be damned cold to be too cold to walk) probably a place you can walk, although I don't know whether or not you can walk to work.

That is about it. But you ought to be incredibly proud of yourself, and you will do it and you won't backslide, I can sense it. What you have, this crisis of confidence, this feeling of what is the point is what a lot of people who are in our boat have, and many have resisted it and conquered it.

Hope this tome helps. Feel free to e-mail me in my profile.
posted by xetere at 12:03 PM on January 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

First of all thanks everyone for your AMAZING comments that really helped me feel better. As soon as i read these answers, I felt supported and not as alone. I also tried some of the suggestions. I wen to an OA meeting. I am not sure it is for me. I really hate the religiosity of A programs and the definition of abstinence in OA is too vague for me. When I got home from the meeting, I read the Wikipedia entry about OA and was really surprised to see all of the flaws I noticed about it outlined intelligently. I have to find some other way.
I have been less hard on myself, and exercised a little less this week and I feel a lot better. I love exercise and I don't want it to be painful, so I need to pay more attention and work out up to my personal limit, or a little less, rather than to always exceed it.
Xtere has obviously spent a lot of time using her mind to outsmart her problem with food. I was doing that at one point but I got lazy.
I feel like I will eventually if not soon get back on the wagon and really get into this struggle again in a full on campaign. I just feel a little less strong, and I have for a while. Maybe it has been a year since I was full on balls to the wall teeth clenched all the time committed to the cause of making myself skinnier. I just don't have that kind of determination right now, and I don't know if I ever will again. That Dr. phill bullshit is self abusive and I don't want to be that way anymore.
I need some kinder, gentler self care, not a drill sergeant yelling at me all the time. The problem is that kinder gentler is less effective right now. I am eating lots of things I shouldn't and I am just not as serious. I am still in shape, not really gaining weight, just not progressing in the way I want to.
Thanks so much for all of your support. I want to do well at this. I really do. I just don't feel the kind of strength I used to have. I am changing some how.
I am trying to add new things to my routine, yoga, for example, and develop different things. Relaxation, stability, patience. I think I am looking to change things up. I hope I get "it"back soon, but I am trying to be more accepting and loving with myself no matter what.
posted by marlys27 at 8:10 AM on January 25, 2009