Moving on from a pre-move fling, with added baggage
June 29, 2022 3:30 PM Subscribe
I'm in a situation similar to this question about moving on from a fling with a departing housemate, with some added baggage. I want more granular advice than "move on," especially when it comes to my own attitude toward relationships.
Three years ago X and I had an (unconsummated but very emotionally intense) fling when we were both in relationships. I left my relationship, in part so I could be free to pursue them. X did not. Several months later X rekindled the fling, to similar results. I spent the following two years trying to get over them, sometimes in ways that were productive, sometimes not. It was an agonizing process which left me drained and emotionally unavailable in ways that harmed other relationships I tried to pursue at the time, but it was also the most sustained period of personal development and growth I've ever experienced. By the end of last year I was finally ready to conclude that I was over them. (Throughout this period I would periodically try to contact them and would almost always be left on read.) Then, in early May, I ran into them at a brunch and found out they were moving to a distant city in another country to be with their partner (the same one as before). I suggested we get a drink before they left, to which they responded eagerly.
We met up. After three drinks I blurted out that they had been very important to me, and that this would be true regardless of whether I ever saw them again. There followed a very emotional scene and an intense night which turned into several more meetings in the following weeks. We finally slept together and it was the best sex I have ever had. Their last night in town (last Thursday, June 23) they asked if they could stay with me before going to the airport. It was an incredible night and morning. Just before their plane took off they texted me that they could not stop thinking about it, and that they couldn't get me out of their head after the previous night either, and a heart emoji. Since then I've sent a couple of messages and have once again been left on read.
I don't blame X at all--they're going through crisis after crisis at work added to the stress of a long distance move and moving in with a long-term partner. We did not have an explicit conversation about what basis we were going to be on after this move (X is very avoidant about these kinds of things, which reflects a deeper and lifelong struggle with intimacy issues that I totally empathize with) but intellectually I understood that this was not going to turn into anything "real" (though X did say they would be back in town for a few days in October). I've gotten that far.
The problem now is convincing the anxious part of my brain to stop spinning out about this. I want to remember this as a form of closure to a very difficult period, something that made me very happy for a brief moment, which it did. But I'm already starting to go back to constructing these baroque mind-reading explanations for why they didn't respond this time, to blaming them for being hot-and-cold and avoidant, to ruminating on how I might approach an interaction in the future, to fixating on October as a time when all will be revealed. None of this is helpful and it doesn't reflect my actual attitude toward this relationship. More broadly, I would like to free myself up to pursue other kinds of relationships like this in the future--I want to get away from feeling like every romantic interaction has to be this no-holds-barred thing where the goal is being together for eternity. That means developing some kind of ability to rein in this thought process.
I am already in therapy, which is very helpful. I also meditate and journal daily, which is also very helpful. I do not want to date anyone else right now, for complicated reasons. I have read Attached and agree with some parts of it but have found others to be totally false in my case. I know that there will be a chorus of people saying "no contact," and you all are right, but realistically I will absolutely not be able to follow this advice, especially when it comes to October. What I'm looking for is suggestions beyond these, for specific strategies either in terms of activities or mental health techniques or anything in that vein to help me process this and ultimately to be less ruled by my own anxiety and desire for external validation.
Three years ago X and I had an (unconsummated but very emotionally intense) fling when we were both in relationships. I left my relationship, in part so I could be free to pursue them. X did not. Several months later X rekindled the fling, to similar results. I spent the following two years trying to get over them, sometimes in ways that were productive, sometimes not. It was an agonizing process which left me drained and emotionally unavailable in ways that harmed other relationships I tried to pursue at the time, but it was also the most sustained period of personal development and growth I've ever experienced. By the end of last year I was finally ready to conclude that I was over them. (Throughout this period I would periodically try to contact them and would almost always be left on read.) Then, in early May, I ran into them at a brunch and found out they were moving to a distant city in another country to be with their partner (the same one as before). I suggested we get a drink before they left, to which they responded eagerly.
We met up. After three drinks I blurted out that they had been very important to me, and that this would be true regardless of whether I ever saw them again. There followed a very emotional scene and an intense night which turned into several more meetings in the following weeks. We finally slept together and it was the best sex I have ever had. Their last night in town (last Thursday, June 23) they asked if they could stay with me before going to the airport. It was an incredible night and morning. Just before their plane took off they texted me that they could not stop thinking about it, and that they couldn't get me out of their head after the previous night either, and a heart emoji. Since then I've sent a couple of messages and have once again been left on read.
I don't blame X at all--they're going through crisis after crisis at work added to the stress of a long distance move and moving in with a long-term partner. We did not have an explicit conversation about what basis we were going to be on after this move (X is very avoidant about these kinds of things, which reflects a deeper and lifelong struggle with intimacy issues that I totally empathize with) but intellectually I understood that this was not going to turn into anything "real" (though X did say they would be back in town for a few days in October). I've gotten that far.
The problem now is convincing the anxious part of my brain to stop spinning out about this. I want to remember this as a form of closure to a very difficult period, something that made me very happy for a brief moment, which it did. But I'm already starting to go back to constructing these baroque mind-reading explanations for why they didn't respond this time, to blaming them for being hot-and-cold and avoidant, to ruminating on how I might approach an interaction in the future, to fixating on October as a time when all will be revealed. None of this is helpful and it doesn't reflect my actual attitude toward this relationship. More broadly, I would like to free myself up to pursue other kinds of relationships like this in the future--I want to get away from feeling like every romantic interaction has to be this no-holds-barred thing where the goal is being together for eternity. That means developing some kind of ability to rein in this thought process.
I am already in therapy, which is very helpful. I also meditate and journal daily, which is also very helpful. I do not want to date anyone else right now, for complicated reasons. I have read Attached and agree with some parts of it but have found others to be totally false in my case. I know that there will be a chorus of people saying "no contact," and you all are right, but realistically I will absolutely not be able to follow this advice, especially when it comes to October. What I'm looking for is suggestions beyond these, for specific strategies either in terms of activities or mental health techniques or anything in that vein to help me process this and ultimately to be less ruled by my own anxiety and desire for external validation.
Mod note: From the OP:posted by travelingthyme (staff) at 3:30 PM on June 29, 2022
When I know it's unproductive for me to think about a person or thing, I develop a plan for what to do when those thoughts arise. Otherwise I spend too much time thinking about it before I figure out how to switch gears mentally, and that solidified the habit of thinking about it even more.
Most often it's most effective for me to decide on another topic I will switch to which is engaging and non-stressful for me: for example, planning my garden. Sometimes it's better for me to plan to do something physical or to play a video game as a distraction.
posted by metasarah at 4:16 PM on June 29, 2022 [3 favorites]
Most often it's most effective for me to decide on another topic I will switch to which is engaging and non-stressful for me: for example, planning my garden. Sometimes it's better for me to plan to do something physical or to play a video game as a distraction.
posted by metasarah at 4:16 PM on June 29, 2022 [3 favorites]
these baroque mind-reading explanations for why they didn't respond this time
Unfortunately, the answer is always "they didn't want to." Open relationship or not (seriously, does the partner know they are in an open relationship??), he's prioritizing them and not you, still. Sigh. X is happy to have another one-night stand in October and that's what you have, sadly.
Other than that, I have to second metasarah on the "find distraction" idea.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:42 PM on June 29, 2022 [6 favorites]
Unfortunately, the answer is always "they didn't want to." Open relationship or not (seriously, does the partner know they are in an open relationship??), he's prioritizing them and not you, still. Sigh. X is happy to have another one-night stand in October and that's what you have, sadly.
Other than that, I have to second metasarah on the "find distraction" idea.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:42 PM on June 29, 2022 [6 favorites]
I apologize for the use of "he" above. Too late to delete it now.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:51 PM on June 29, 2022
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:51 PM on June 29, 2022
Go no-contact. Forever. Block their number.
Then you don't have to worry about being left on read, you don't have to worry what the next interaction will be, and you will have formed your own closure.
There's absolutely nothing of value to be extracted from this situation in any ongoing sense. It happened, let it stay past tense, and any processing left to do you can do without them and without inviting the additional destruction that being with them generates. End the chapter for good.
And yes, make a plan for what you will do when the thoughts intrude. Find a constructive response that is centered on your own processing and healing and not what might have been or might one day be. Get a mantra, maybe something like "I honor the lessons of that experience in my life but it is time to let the events stay in the past."
Maybe use a mood tracker to capture the times that this happens and figure out what's going on right in this moment that's making it come up - are you retreating into a fantasy world because you're unhappy or stressed right now, or are you just finding something to be upset about because you're hungry, or maybe you're just short on human connection and should reach out to some closer friends? Maybe find some guided meditations that can give you a less emotionally volatile retreat when you are especially stressed. Decide you will drink a glass of water and do some stretches when this happens, so you can quickly cycle through the stress response. Have a toolbox with these tools in them already prepared, so you can just reach for them in the moment.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:34 PM on June 29, 2022 [10 favorites]
Then you don't have to worry about being left on read, you don't have to worry what the next interaction will be, and you will have formed your own closure.
There's absolutely nothing of value to be extracted from this situation in any ongoing sense. It happened, let it stay past tense, and any processing left to do you can do without them and without inviting the additional destruction that being with them generates. End the chapter for good.
And yes, make a plan for what you will do when the thoughts intrude. Find a constructive response that is centered on your own processing and healing and not what might have been or might one day be. Get a mantra, maybe something like "I honor the lessons of that experience in my life but it is time to let the events stay in the past."
Maybe use a mood tracker to capture the times that this happens and figure out what's going on right in this moment that's making it come up - are you retreating into a fantasy world because you're unhappy or stressed right now, or are you just finding something to be upset about because you're hungry, or maybe you're just short on human connection and should reach out to some closer friends? Maybe find some guided meditations that can give you a less emotionally volatile retreat when you are especially stressed. Decide you will drink a glass of water and do some stretches when this happens, so you can quickly cycle through the stress response. Have a toolbox with these tools in them already prepared, so you can just reach for them in the moment.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:34 PM on June 29, 2022 [10 favorites]
You had a rare kind of crush that a) survived for a long time without imploding; and b) was consummated. Congratulations!
That said, no contact is the only way to get over a crush. Since you're resistant to that, I'll rephrase: leave yourself on read. The ball is in their court and they know about your interest. Leave it there. I'm not sure I would expect much from October.
posted by rhizome at 6:10 PM on June 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
That said, no contact is the only way to get over a crush. Since you're resistant to that, I'll rephrase: leave yourself on read. The ball is in their court and they know about your interest. Leave it there. I'm not sure I would expect much from October.
posted by rhizome at 6:10 PM on June 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
You are sacrificing your happiness for the chance at spending more time with this person. That trip in October might bring you happiness again, but it will be followed by an even worse period of pain as X once again withdraws. You know this. You have perhaps lived life so far with the constant expectation that you do not deserve to be happy, and so you seek out situations that fulfill this prophecy. I promise you are worth it. You deserve happiness. The first step is to block them and seek out new connections who value you and your happiness. X does not.
posted by randomquestion at 7:04 PM on June 29, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by randomquestion at 7:04 PM on June 29, 2022 [3 favorites]
Plan a trip for those few days in October. Read books on sexual fantasy and explore erotica/ethical porn/your own imagination to learn more about what turns you on. Write long letters to yourself from the lover you long for. Ask people on dates. Tell other people honestly and upfront what you’re looking for, in relationships and sex, and ask them to share the same. Practice deciding whether to continue to date based on what *you* want, not what *they* want. These are principles that can be practiced in your friendships, workplace, and family relationships, too. Focus on honing your skill to know what you want and keep that priority even when other people don’t want the same thing. Work in therapy on the wounds of your past and the strengths of your present, not rehashing your interactions with X. What happened with them is for sure a part of your life story - but if this specific experience feels deep and important, then whatever is of value for your growth and happiness didn’t start with them, won’t end with them, and can’t be explained by only considering what happened with them.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 8:09 PM on June 29, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 8:09 PM on June 29, 2022 [2 favorites]
I want to get away from feeling like every romantic interaction has to be this no-holds-barred thing where the goal is being together for eternity.
Try to put less pressure on yourself. Approach future romantic interactions in a manner that places you and your own needs at the forefront; ask yourself “does this serve me?” rather than “do I serve this person?”
You strike me a wonderful person with so much love to give who is perhaps beginning to despair you might not find it, which can imbue every romantic possibility with great urgency. Focusing on yourself while spending time with another person can help to lower the temperature of that urgency.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 8:47 PM on June 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
Try to put less pressure on yourself. Approach future romantic interactions in a manner that places you and your own needs at the forefront; ask yourself “does this serve me?” rather than “do I serve this person?”
You strike me a wonderful person with so much love to give who is perhaps beginning to despair you might not find it, which can imbue every romantic possibility with great urgency. Focusing on yourself while spending time with another person can help to lower the temperature of that urgency.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 8:47 PM on June 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
Since then I've sent a couple of messages and have once again been left on read.It's worth remembering that people have very different ways of communicating, especially when it comes to asynchronous media. What you've described doesn't sound particularly weird to me, even among people who are passionately involved. Life is busy and complicated. Especially when it comes to these kinds of relationships. I would not feel slighted or particularly surprised if a lover did that to me, especially while moving.
In general, I disagree with some of the advice above - though I realize my opinion is probably very unpopular. If nobody is being hurt or deceived and you're enjoying it. . . lean into it and have fun. Enjoy the crush. Get as much pleasure from it as you can without hurting anyone, including yourself. A quick note every few days with a question included would be my bean-plating approach to trying to maintain contact.
Just make sure you have realistic expectations. You're probably not going to grow old and have grandkids with this person. If in sober, thoughtful moments you know that to be true and think it's still worth doing anyway, then it is worth doing anyway. That's okay. We've been taught by everyone around us and the media that romance and sex have to be monogamous bonds that last forever, despite all the evidence from divorce and cheating that it doesn't actually work for many people. There are counter-examples. The books on ethical poly relationships I know about I cannot honestly recommend, but it might be worth browsing some. (If in those moments you decide it's *not* worth doing anyway, then send a polite goodbye note and quit them entirely.) Best wishes.
posted by eotvos at 11:34 AM on June 30, 2022
I want to get away from feeling like every romantic interaction has to be this no-holds-barred thing where the goal is being together for eternity.
Oooh, I missed this part. Solidarity! If you define "dating" as "trying to get married," you can spend decades doing this, creating dysfunctional relationships based in no part on the present moments. This is not good! (ask me how I know) You will miss out on a lot of fun, a lot of validation, maybe some drama, maybe remain friends with exes, all the things that are missing in anxious attachments.
posted by rhizome at 7:14 PM on June 30, 2022
Oooh, I missed this part. Solidarity! If you define "dating" as "trying to get married," you can spend decades doing this, creating dysfunctional relationships based in no part on the present moments. This is not good! (ask me how I know) You will miss out on a lot of fun, a lot of validation, maybe some drama, maybe remain friends with exes, all the things that are missing in anxious attachments.
posted by rhizome at 7:14 PM on June 30, 2022
The problem now is convincing the anxious part of my brain to stop spinning out about this.
If you've read Attached and are in therapy, I think you've heard a lot of what can be said. From what you've chosen toshare here, it sounds like you've gotten very attached to a very avoidant person. I would suggest that you might be on the anxious end of the attachment spectrum. Passion is an amazing thing that can come of this situation, an anxious+avoidant pair that feels a lot of attraction to one another... as is frustration when the momentary joys are left without sustaining follow-up or engagement.
That means developing some kind of ability to rein in this thought process.
I think this is an unattainable goal. If you're going to keep choosing to meet up with this person, and go through the waves of anticipating, planning, revising passions, and waking up to unread messages, you're actively keeping this experience in the front of your mind. It's that game where you keep tapping the balloon before it hits the floor--you're always aware of the balloon. And that's ok if you really want that. ACT is all about (on some level) recognizing that you can live your life the way you want to live it without having to resolve all the feelings of struggle and complicated thoughts. You defuse yourself from them and move on with your day. The general idea, though, is that defusing yourself from those thoughts includes recognizing how your behavior is at odds with what you value (i.e. if you feel that this is an unhelpful thought process then it seems to follow that the relationship this thought process is about is not a good one to sustain). A practical suggestion, as an adjunct to your therapy, might include this ACT workbook. It's been a great help to me over the last few years of addressing relationship-related thoughts and feelings.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 5:49 AM on July 5, 2022
If you've read Attached and are in therapy, I think you've heard a lot of what can be said. From what you've chosen toshare here, it sounds like you've gotten very attached to a very avoidant person. I would suggest that you might be on the anxious end of the attachment spectrum. Passion is an amazing thing that can come of this situation, an anxious+avoidant pair that feels a lot of attraction to one another... as is frustration when the momentary joys are left without sustaining follow-up or engagement.
That means developing some kind of ability to rein in this thought process.
I think this is an unattainable goal. If you're going to keep choosing to meet up with this person, and go through the waves of anticipating, planning, revising passions, and waking up to unread messages, you're actively keeping this experience in the front of your mind. It's that game where you keep tapping the balloon before it hits the floor--you're always aware of the balloon. And that's ok if you really want that. ACT is all about (on some level) recognizing that you can live your life the way you want to live it without having to resolve all the feelings of struggle and complicated thoughts. You defuse yourself from them and move on with your day. The general idea, though, is that defusing yourself from those thoughts includes recognizing how your behavior is at odds with what you value (i.e. if you feel that this is an unhelpful thought process then it seems to follow that the relationship this thought process is about is not a good one to sustain). A practical suggestion, as an adjunct to your therapy, might include this ACT workbook. It's been a great help to me over the last few years of addressing relationship-related thoughts and feelings.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 5:49 AM on July 5, 2022
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