My driving fear has me feeling anxious and immature. Overblown?
June 13, 2022 11:39 PM Subscribe
I used to drive all the time, and really despised it. But then for many years did not have to drive anymore. Now I'm encountering more and more situations where I really do need to drive - and I *want* to drive - and it has me feeling panicked and anxious and scared.
I have my drivers license and spent age 16-26 driving regularly - daily commute, heavy traffic, long road trips, etc. Never got in a serious accident aside from a fender bender in a parking lot. But I was always an anxious driver - huge feelings of panic when stuff like merging into really fast busy traffic, left turns out of parking lots into two way traffic, parallel parking on busy streets, driving in cities, driving past cyclists/bikers and worrying about hitting them. HUGE anxiety when searching for parking, either on street or in a lot where it's clearly full and everyone is being competitive about "finding a spot". In a word, I find driving to be the worst, but I put it up with it for almost a decade.
Then I moved to a city where I did not need a car, and felt totally free. No more searching for parking! No more worrying I was going to die all the time! Trains, busses, cabs and walking became my MO. I think I have driven a car four or five times in the past decade since I moved, mostly in heavily suburban areas, and while I hated it, and there were some situations that felt "dicey", I did not crash.
But because of my social life I am entering more and more situations where people are doing stuff like having destination weddings in driving cities, or going on trips that might require a car. For example: A few family friends were in a lake house last summer upstate but not really bus/train accessible, and they were like "you should come for a weekend! SO easy to just rent a car and get up here!" And that's when my heart starts pounding and I think, oh god, you mean I have to go to a car rental, do all the paper work, somehow get the car out of the lot/garage without getting into a fender bender, then out of the city without accidentally running down a biker or turning down a one-way street. And then at the end of the weekend when I'm exhausted I have to get in the car and DRIVE back into the city and it will be getting dark and stressful. I ended up just lying that I was busy and didn't make the trip, but really regretted it. And felt like such a little baby about it! Like "ugh, you know how to drive - just drive!".
I have to go to a wedding in a fairly suburban area outside of another city in two months and just DREADING what I'm going to do. The Bride and Groom in their wedding website under "transportation" basically "recommend renting a car, especially if you want to take the weekend to explore some of the nature in the area!" I seriously would like to rent a car, I would prefer not to be an adult man who for some reason went against the advice of the wedding and had to ask people for rides everywhere. I would also like to drive up to that lake house this summer! I WANT to drive, I just want there to be a pill I can take that makes me feel confident enough to drive and just....be chill about it. It doesn't help that I feel like my ADD, levels of exhaustion/general tiredness/spaced-out-ness have gotten so much worse as I've gotten older.
Has anyone ever taken a really long break from driving, and then started driving again? Especially if you have a FEAR of driving? How did it go? Does muscle memory eventually kick in and it's fine? Am I perhaps being irrational? Should I take some driving lessons to warm up (they seem very expensive, and there are so many scenarios that make me so nervous, would I even get enough lessons in). Should I just go rent a car outside of the city one day, and just drive around for 10 hours getting my groove back?
Or should I just get behind the wheel, take a breath, and GO - and trust that everything will be fine (even though it might not be, because thousands of car accidents happen every day!!!)
I have my drivers license and spent age 16-26 driving regularly - daily commute, heavy traffic, long road trips, etc. Never got in a serious accident aside from a fender bender in a parking lot. But I was always an anxious driver - huge feelings of panic when stuff like merging into really fast busy traffic, left turns out of parking lots into two way traffic, parallel parking on busy streets, driving in cities, driving past cyclists/bikers and worrying about hitting them. HUGE anxiety when searching for parking, either on street or in a lot where it's clearly full and everyone is being competitive about "finding a spot". In a word, I find driving to be the worst, but I put it up with it for almost a decade.
Then I moved to a city where I did not need a car, and felt totally free. No more searching for parking! No more worrying I was going to die all the time! Trains, busses, cabs and walking became my MO. I think I have driven a car four or five times in the past decade since I moved, mostly in heavily suburban areas, and while I hated it, and there were some situations that felt "dicey", I did not crash.
But because of my social life I am entering more and more situations where people are doing stuff like having destination weddings in driving cities, or going on trips that might require a car. For example: A few family friends were in a lake house last summer upstate but not really bus/train accessible, and they were like "you should come for a weekend! SO easy to just rent a car and get up here!" And that's when my heart starts pounding and I think, oh god, you mean I have to go to a car rental, do all the paper work, somehow get the car out of the lot/garage without getting into a fender bender, then out of the city without accidentally running down a biker or turning down a one-way street. And then at the end of the weekend when I'm exhausted I have to get in the car and DRIVE back into the city and it will be getting dark and stressful. I ended up just lying that I was busy and didn't make the trip, but really regretted it. And felt like such a little baby about it! Like "ugh, you know how to drive - just drive!".
I have to go to a wedding in a fairly suburban area outside of another city in two months and just DREADING what I'm going to do. The Bride and Groom in their wedding website under "transportation" basically "recommend renting a car, especially if you want to take the weekend to explore some of the nature in the area!" I seriously would like to rent a car, I would prefer not to be an adult man who for some reason went against the advice of the wedding and had to ask people for rides everywhere. I would also like to drive up to that lake house this summer! I WANT to drive, I just want there to be a pill I can take that makes me feel confident enough to drive and just....be chill about it. It doesn't help that I feel like my ADD, levels of exhaustion/general tiredness/spaced-out-ness have gotten so much worse as I've gotten older.
Has anyone ever taken a really long break from driving, and then started driving again? Especially if you have a FEAR of driving? How did it go? Does muscle memory eventually kick in and it's fine? Am I perhaps being irrational? Should I take some driving lessons to warm up (they seem very expensive, and there are so many scenarios that make me so nervous, would I even get enough lessons in). Should I just go rent a car outside of the city one day, and just drive around for 10 hours getting my groove back?
Or should I just get behind the wheel, take a breath, and GO - and trust that everything will be fine (even though it might not be, because thousands of car accidents happen every day!!!)
For various unimportant reasons I didn't drive at all from the age of 17 to 29 or so despite acquiring my license at the normal age in the usual way. I was already an anxious driver because my dad, a person with an anxiety disorder himself, was the one who taught me how to drive. His introductory speech when I slid behind the wheel for the first time has been burned into my brain. "MagnificentVacuum, you must approach driving as if every single other person on the road woke up this morning with the explicit intention to kill you in particular." Not ideal!
So I'll be honest, it didn't go great at first. I hated driving in any kind of weather and restricted myself to two roads, which luckily for me contained all the shopping destinations I required in order to remain alive. I hobbled along like this for a couple of years, having panic attacks if a raindrop hit my windshield while I was on the road, refusing to ever turn left without an advance green or light, and existing in a constant state of utter assurance that all of my tires were constantly exploding or that I would get lost and never make it home. But all of those problems were feelings/anxiety. My actual driving was exemplary from the moment I started again. No lessons, no mentors. I just got in the car, started it, and drove. An outside observer would never guess that I hadn't driven more than a few times in over a decade, and my mother declared that she felt safest in the car with me when compared to my brother and father.
But in the end I had to do CBT to make my feelings match my actual driving skill so that I wasn't a ball of anxiety every time I had to go somewhere. We established what my fears were, made contingency plans for them, and outlined and executed an exposure program to get me driving in a more emotionally functional manner. I can truthfully say it's the only kind of therapy I've ever done that had a long lasting positive impact on my life. One of the most valuable parts of my program involved driving to desirable places outside of my comfort zone late at night, when traffic was nearly totally absent and I could just concentrate on my coping skills. Still, to this day I do much less driving on average than most suburbanites. I have a car that was new in 2011 and it has ~23K miles on it.
Unfortunately I've allowed the pandemic to cause something of a backslide with my driving and associated anxiety. I rarely leave my apartment these days because I am at high risk for complications from covid, and when I do drive I can feel that old anxiety bubbling up to the surface. I drove my mother to get some hanging baskets for her porch a couple of weeks ago at a greenhouse I hadn't been to since I was a kid and I couldn't make myself turn left out of the parking lot because there was no light. This same turn would have been no issue pre-pandemic.
So I guess my three pieces of advice are this:
1. Practice driving, but try to ease into it with some early sessions at times that have lower traffic and good weather. Then ramp up to the full on experience.
2. CBT was very effective for me and I recommend trying it for driving anxiety.
3. If you're prone to anxiety about driving, it's probably best to maintain a practice of regular driving so that any coping skills you've developed don't atrophy.
posted by MagnificentVacuum at 12:32 AM on June 14, 2022 [5 favorites]
So I'll be honest, it didn't go great at first. I hated driving in any kind of weather and restricted myself to two roads, which luckily for me contained all the shopping destinations I required in order to remain alive. I hobbled along like this for a couple of years, having panic attacks if a raindrop hit my windshield while I was on the road, refusing to ever turn left without an advance green or light, and existing in a constant state of utter assurance that all of my tires were constantly exploding or that I would get lost and never make it home. But all of those problems were feelings/anxiety. My actual driving was exemplary from the moment I started again. No lessons, no mentors. I just got in the car, started it, and drove. An outside observer would never guess that I hadn't driven more than a few times in over a decade, and my mother declared that she felt safest in the car with me when compared to my brother and father.
But in the end I had to do CBT to make my feelings match my actual driving skill so that I wasn't a ball of anxiety every time I had to go somewhere. We established what my fears were, made contingency plans for them, and outlined and executed an exposure program to get me driving in a more emotionally functional manner. I can truthfully say it's the only kind of therapy I've ever done that had a long lasting positive impact on my life. One of the most valuable parts of my program involved driving to desirable places outside of my comfort zone late at night, when traffic was nearly totally absent and I could just concentrate on my coping skills. Still, to this day I do much less driving on average than most suburbanites. I have a car that was new in 2011 and it has ~23K miles on it.
Unfortunately I've allowed the pandemic to cause something of a backslide with my driving and associated anxiety. I rarely leave my apartment these days because I am at high risk for complications from covid, and when I do drive I can feel that old anxiety bubbling up to the surface. I drove my mother to get some hanging baskets for her porch a couple of weeks ago at a greenhouse I hadn't been to since I was a kid and I couldn't make myself turn left out of the parking lot because there was no light. This same turn would have been no issue pre-pandemic.
So I guess my three pieces of advice are this:
1. Practice driving, but try to ease into it with some early sessions at times that have lower traffic and good weather. Then ramp up to the full on experience.
2. CBT was very effective for me and I recommend trying it for driving anxiety.
3. If you're prone to anxiety about driving, it's probably best to maintain a practice of regular driving so that any coping skills you've developed don't atrophy.
posted by MagnificentVacuum at 12:32 AM on June 14, 2022 [5 favorites]
I think it would be helpful to have some top up lessons. A good driving instructor not only teaches you the base skills of operating the car and the rules of the road, but should get you to a place where you feel confident and calm in all traffic situations. You could focus on your specific issues which seem to be 1) spatial awareness (i.e. you should be able to confidently park, manoeuvre, overtake etc without feeling like you're going to hit anything) and 2) assertiveness with merging and in heavy traffic.
When I was learning my (female, fwiw) instructor was really focused on the "emotional" side of driving and helping me not panic/feel awkward in tricky situations, and just take my time and be safe and assertive. When I was learning (in my mid 20s) I had a lot of heavy fear of driving but due to my instructor's approach, I'm a very calm and competent driver now. I know the heart-pounding panic feeling and I promise you it is possible to get to a place where you never feel that way while driving.
You could also help re-frame your thinking around driving by reminding yourself that in a scenario like you describe, it's not the same kind of driving as it was when you had to commute by car. You're on a leisure trip, you can take your time, you're not going to be late to work, you can relax. I think a lot of stress and small accidents often happen due to rushing, leading to making poor decisions. A good instructor can help you feel confident and assertive to take up your needed time and space, and not feel you have to scurry and get into scrapes.
A thing that helped me with some similar driving anxieties (e.g. panicking at not finding a parking space) was going on a lot of trips as a passenger with a particularly chilled out driver. No parking spots? No problem, we'll just drive on a little further or circle round for a while. Bad traffic on the highway? Ah well, let's just listen to some nice tunes. We'll get there when we get there.
A little therapy might also help. Who's the voice in your head making you feel stressed and inadequate? My father was a very irritable, aggressive driver who would get really frustrated at traffic or lack of parking spaces, for example. Perhaps there's a driving negative "role model" in your past that a therapist could help you identify and find ways to overcome.
posted by Balthamos at 12:35 AM on June 14, 2022 [4 favorites]
When I was learning my (female, fwiw) instructor was really focused on the "emotional" side of driving and helping me not panic/feel awkward in tricky situations, and just take my time and be safe and assertive. When I was learning (in my mid 20s) I had a lot of heavy fear of driving but due to my instructor's approach, I'm a very calm and competent driver now. I know the heart-pounding panic feeling and I promise you it is possible to get to a place where you never feel that way while driving.
You could also help re-frame your thinking around driving by reminding yourself that in a scenario like you describe, it's not the same kind of driving as it was when you had to commute by car. You're on a leisure trip, you can take your time, you're not going to be late to work, you can relax. I think a lot of stress and small accidents often happen due to rushing, leading to making poor decisions. A good instructor can help you feel confident and assertive to take up your needed time and space, and not feel you have to scurry and get into scrapes.
A thing that helped me with some similar driving anxieties (e.g. panicking at not finding a parking space) was going on a lot of trips as a passenger with a particularly chilled out driver. No parking spots? No problem, we'll just drive on a little further or circle round for a while. Bad traffic on the highway? Ah well, let's just listen to some nice tunes. We'll get there when we get there.
A little therapy might also help. Who's the voice in your head making you feel stressed and inadequate? My father was a very irritable, aggressive driver who would get really frustrated at traffic or lack of parking spaces, for example. Perhaps there's a driving negative "role model" in your past that a therapist could help you identify and find ways to overcome.
posted by Balthamos at 12:35 AM on June 14, 2022 [4 favorites]
As someone who was in your shoes a few years ago, I found lessons to be extremely useful. Maybe you won't cover every scenario, but just increasing your confidence levels generally is going to go a long way. I also got a lot out of this book (also an Ask MeFi recommendation).
posted by MeadowlarkMaude at 1:43 AM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by MeadowlarkMaude at 1:43 AM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
I never drove a lot after getting my licence at 18 - a few rentals here and there, and then nothing for years and years. Then we decided to move from the city to the countryside where a car was essential.
I took some top-up lessons in the city which really helped. As the instructor said in my first lesson, after I’d driven slowly around a very quiet square for the first time, people think they’ve forgotten how to drive, but it’s only losing confidence - your muscle memory is still there. From there we progressed to busier roads and, on a couple of longer lessons, had some time on a motorway to get used to that too.
I’m still nervous but it’s definitely easier because of the lessons, and is slowly getting easier over time. Before lockdowns, I was finding a regular short drive helped - I’d just drive to the gym (4 miles each way) 2-3 times a week and having a route that became very familiar, and therefore a bit easier, made me realise how I could find driving generally easier.
Good luck!
posted by fabius at 4:19 AM on June 14, 2022
I took some top-up lessons in the city which really helped. As the instructor said in my first lesson, after I’d driven slowly around a very quiet square for the first time, people think they’ve forgotten how to drive, but it’s only losing confidence - your muscle memory is still there. From there we progressed to busier roads and, on a couple of longer lessons, had some time on a motorway to get used to that too.
I’m still nervous but it’s definitely easier because of the lessons, and is slowly getting easier over time. Before lockdowns, I was finding a regular short drive helped - I’d just drive to the gym (4 miles each way) 2-3 times a week and having a route that became very familiar, and therefore a bit easier, made me realise how I could find driving generally easier.
Good luck!
posted by fabius at 4:19 AM on June 14, 2022
Does Zipcar exist where you live? Being able to rent a car for a few hours to practice might be a goid idea.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:23 AM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:23 AM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
I went through this, after moving to a city and having some lifestyle changes that made it useful to use a car. What helped for me was therapy and ultimately practice, and I am a much better driver now which I owe to the increased awareness from several years primarily getting around by cycling. I am not sure how much of this applies to you but that was my experience.
posted by quaking fajita at 5:51 AM on June 14, 2022
posted by quaking fajita at 5:51 AM on June 14, 2022
I'm focusing on just a small part of your question, but if you find city driving and leaving the city stressful, consider renting a car from outside the city. I'm in NY and several times I've taken public transit to car rental places outside the city to rent for other reasons (significantly cheaper and I was traveling at times when traffic to get out of the city would have been terrible, so I was saving time). This could eliminate some of the toughest driving at both ends of the trip and cut down a bit on your stress.
posted by Caz721 at 5:55 AM on June 14, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by Caz721 at 5:55 AM on June 14, 2022 [6 favorites]
I did this--went from living in very walkable cities with reliable public transport to a place where if you didn't drive, you didn't eat. Like everyone else, I'll recommend a few top-up lessons but the reality is that it's like riding a bike, it's very hard to forget how to do.
That said, carpooling with other people attending this wedding may be a good idea anyway--renting a car/buying gas is going to be expensive enough that splitting costs will reduce stress. If you don't want to drive, perhaps put a bit more money into the gas and rental costs?
posted by kingdead at 6:01 AM on June 14, 2022
That said, carpooling with other people attending this wedding may be a good idea anyway--renting a car/buying gas is going to be expensive enough that splitting costs will reduce stress. If you don't want to drive, perhaps put a bit more money into the gas and rental costs?
posted by kingdead at 6:01 AM on June 14, 2022
I would rent a car for a couple days the week before and practice driving for a couple days to regain your confidence. Work your way up through increasingly stressful traffic conditions. The weekend of the wedding, I would rent the same model of car so it’s familiar.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:10 AM on June 14, 2022
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:10 AM on June 14, 2022
In addition to the other advice here, I have found that my fear of driving is greatly reduced if I'm not unfamiliar with the route. Or if I have a good guide.
Using Google maps GPS on my phone, with its calm voice telling me how far it is to the next turn, and which exit I'll have to take from a roundabout makes everything so much easier.
It also tells me exactly how long the trip will take, and if I do take a wrong turn, it just guides me back to the correct route.
posted by Zumbador at 6:11 AM on June 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
Using Google maps GPS on my phone, with its calm voice telling me how far it is to the next turn, and which exit I'll have to take from a roundabout makes everything so much easier.
It also tells me exactly how long the trip will take, and if I do take a wrong turn, it just guides me back to the correct route.
posted by Zumbador at 6:11 AM on June 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
I learned to drive, drove in my rural area for about a year, then basically didn't drive again for more than five years until I really needed a car to commute.
I was very nervous about it and tempted to take some formal lessons, but I ended up just getting a co-worker to coach me a couple of days over lunch which really did help, so some lessons might be better than no lessons. It was still nerve-wracking when I did big things for the first time -- after my first drive on the main freeway in Toronto, I got to my house, parked my car, tried to go in the house and ended up sitting on the hood of my car for about five minutes until the jitters went out of my legs enough that I could properly walk. But very quickly I got used to that commute and it no longer even registered on my brain never mind caused anxiety.
The thing is, the only thing that made me a better, more confident driver was having a car and driving regularly. Continuing to drive sporadically really doesn't help that much with getting over the anxiety.
Getting a car would obviously be a massive over-reaction in terms of ongoing expenses, but is there a car share program where you are? Could you join it and drive even once a week to build up your confidence?
posted by jacquilynne at 6:17 AM on June 14, 2022
I was very nervous about it and tempted to take some formal lessons, but I ended up just getting a co-worker to coach me a couple of days over lunch which really did help, so some lessons might be better than no lessons. It was still nerve-wracking when I did big things for the first time -- after my first drive on the main freeway in Toronto, I got to my house, parked my car, tried to go in the house and ended up sitting on the hood of my car for about five minutes until the jitters went out of my legs enough that I could properly walk. But very quickly I got used to that commute and it no longer even registered on my brain never mind caused anxiety.
The thing is, the only thing that made me a better, more confident driver was having a car and driving regularly. Continuing to drive sporadically really doesn't help that much with getting over the anxiety.
Getting a car would obviously be a massive over-reaction in terms of ongoing expenses, but is there a car share program where you are? Could you join it and drive even once a week to build up your confidence?
posted by jacquilynne at 6:17 AM on June 14, 2022
Oh jeez I am some version of you. I didn't have a FEAR of driving per se....I drove all the time including long road trips, and once in a while I'd get a flash of panic and have no idea why and just barrel through it, either in particular stressful situations (this one merge getting on I-35 in Dallas that was always awful--actually that one would give me anxiety the night before) or just on a long stretch of highway where I'd suddenly feel all "get me out of here."
Then I lived in a transit city for ten years, didn't have a car, drove maybe every other year.
Then I moved to the fucking bay area where everyone is super green until it comes to driving absolutely everywhere all the time.
I had to start driving again. The first few times I got on the highway, I felt really nervous but kept going. The times I've driven to and from LA, the long, straight, exit-less stretches of I-5 made me truly jumpy but I found coping techniques, driving behind a truck, clutching the steering wheel REALLY hard. I had a pretty full-on panic attack one day driving over the bay bridge, stopped driving over huge bridges.
Covid was an unfortunate turning point. I remain totally fine with city driving but I didn't do my hated highway commute and then one day had to do it and had something of a panic attack.
I think the thing to do, and I'm only minimally practicing what I preach, is to stay in the saddle and do a little driving now and then to make sure you're not just filing it under "Thing I Don't Do." I have some little stretches I do all the time and they don't make me sweat. I've been meaning to add a stretch, one exit further, here and there, but it's been low priority even though it makes my weekly driving around for work take twice as long as it would.
Irrational fears are hard enough; part-rational fears, that much harder. Driving is at the same time kind of dangerous and something people do all day every goddamn day without batting an eye. As with a lot of things, exposure helps more than anything; it's just hard to get exposure to something where you feel like your fear is increasing the danger. But small steps may help. Now I'm going to go read what everyone else said because I'm curious.
posted by less-of-course at 7:04 AM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
Then I lived in a transit city for ten years, didn't have a car, drove maybe every other year.
Then I moved to the fucking bay area where everyone is super green until it comes to driving absolutely everywhere all the time.
I had to start driving again. The first few times I got on the highway, I felt really nervous but kept going. The times I've driven to and from LA, the long, straight, exit-less stretches of I-5 made me truly jumpy but I found coping techniques, driving behind a truck, clutching the steering wheel REALLY hard. I had a pretty full-on panic attack one day driving over the bay bridge, stopped driving over huge bridges.
Covid was an unfortunate turning point. I remain totally fine with city driving but I didn't do my hated highway commute and then one day had to do it and had something of a panic attack.
I think the thing to do, and I'm only minimally practicing what I preach, is to stay in the saddle and do a little driving now and then to make sure you're not just filing it under "Thing I Don't Do." I have some little stretches I do all the time and they don't make me sweat. I've been meaning to add a stretch, one exit further, here and there, but it's been low priority even though it makes my weekly driving around for work take twice as long as it would.
Irrational fears are hard enough; part-rational fears, that much harder. Driving is at the same time kind of dangerous and something people do all day every goddamn day without batting an eye. As with a lot of things, exposure helps more than anything; it's just hard to get exposure to something where you feel like your fear is increasing the danger. But small steps may help. Now I'm going to go read what everyone else said because I'm curious.
posted by less-of-course at 7:04 AM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm another one that has done this and it was fine, in that it was stressful but less stressful doing it than the preceding anxiety. I recommend getting a rental car from an easy location, having and using a satnav, and always, always, always knowing where you are planning on parking. In a choice between an easy longer route and a more difficult shorter route, I still pick the easy long route.
posted by plonkee at 8:57 AM on June 14, 2022
posted by plonkee at 8:57 AM on June 14, 2022
I just re-learned how to drive in my late 40s, though in reality it was more like learning to drive for the first time because I’d never driven in a city before. Nthing the suggestion to take some refresher lessons. I had to take lessons to start with because there was so much I didn’t know, then there was about a month between finishing my lessons and getting a car of my own and when I got in my own car I was super-anxious because I didn’t have someone else there making useful suggestions or letting me know if I was doing something daft or dangerous. So I booked another lesson with my instructor in my car and it really helped me get over that hump and remember how it felt to drive without worrying as much.
I’m definitely still only working my way through the anxiety zone - it comes and goes and I’m still an absolute n00b on motorways and have a lot of work to do there. But other stuff that’s worked for me has been driving little and often; also hitting a balance - you need to drive things that are challenging to you to build your skills/confidence, but if that’s all you do then every time you get in the car, you’re stressed. It’s also really important to let yourself do plenty of easy drives so that your brain and your physiological stress response system can all get used to what it feels like to be someone who is comfortable when driving.
I spend an inordinate amount of time previewing new routes on streetview before I drive them until I’m familiar with lanes and junctions - I’d love to be able to just wing it but I’m not there yet and it has definitely helped when I’ve done that. Also - I don’t know if you have something similar where you live, but in the UK, newly qualified drivers can put P plates on their car (standing for probationary) to show other drivers that they’re inexperienced. I’m using them even though I actually passed my test 30 years ago, and I think it does help other drivers be more forgiving, and lowers my stress levels a bit because I know if I do something daft, people will know why.
I also just try to be aware of what else I’ve got going on mentally and emotionally and remind myself that sometimes I think a drive has been stressful, but actually I was stressed about thing X before I even got in the car, and it wasn’t the driving that made me feel that way.
It’s all very annoying because I do think my brain is relatively competent at driving, but there’s something (probably rationally to some extent) about being in charge of a tonne of moving metal that fires up my anxiety response systems against my will - and it’s counter productive because that makes you a worse driver. So I try hard to do the stuff that I know logically can tamp down the physical response (deep breathing; talking back to my anxious brain; just getting on and doing it anyway rather than giving in to the anxiety and avoiding it). I like the idea suggested above of doing some CBT around it so might try that too.
posted by penguin pie at 8:58 AM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
I’m definitely still only working my way through the anxiety zone - it comes and goes and I’m still an absolute n00b on motorways and have a lot of work to do there. But other stuff that’s worked for me has been driving little and often; also hitting a balance - you need to drive things that are challenging to you to build your skills/confidence, but if that’s all you do then every time you get in the car, you’re stressed. It’s also really important to let yourself do plenty of easy drives so that your brain and your physiological stress response system can all get used to what it feels like to be someone who is comfortable when driving.
I spend an inordinate amount of time previewing new routes on streetview before I drive them until I’m familiar with lanes and junctions - I’d love to be able to just wing it but I’m not there yet and it has definitely helped when I’ve done that. Also - I don’t know if you have something similar where you live, but in the UK, newly qualified drivers can put P plates on their car (standing for probationary) to show other drivers that they’re inexperienced. I’m using them even though I actually passed my test 30 years ago, and I think it does help other drivers be more forgiving, and lowers my stress levels a bit because I know if I do something daft, people will know why.
I also just try to be aware of what else I’ve got going on mentally and emotionally and remind myself that sometimes I think a drive has been stressful, but actually I was stressed about thing X before I even got in the car, and it wasn’t the driving that made me feel that way.
It’s all very annoying because I do think my brain is relatively competent at driving, but there’s something (probably rationally to some extent) about being in charge of a tonne of moving metal that fires up my anxiety response systems against my will - and it’s counter productive because that makes you a worse driver. So I try hard to do the stuff that I know logically can tamp down the physical response (deep breathing; talking back to my anxious brain; just getting on and doing it anyway rather than giving in to the anxiety and avoiding it). I like the idea suggested above of doing some CBT around it so might try that too.
posted by penguin pie at 8:58 AM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
1. Talk to your doctor, see if they can give you some medication that you can take a couple of hours beforehand, that will minimize or eliminate the physical signs of panic or anxiety - elevated heart rate, sweaty palms, etc. In my experience, cutting the anxious brain - heart racing - even more anxious brain cycle went a long way towards conquering things that were making me anxious.
2. Absent a friend or driving instructor, I've taken to narrating what I'm doing out loud to the empty car. "I'm just about to make a left turn here, so I'll pause and wait for a safe gap. I'm gonna turn after that blue car goes past me. Nice, smooth left turn, so far so good!" Not only does it give my brain something else to do, it is also an affirmation that I'm doing the scary thing, and I'm doing all right! In my early days of driving again, I would literally chant, "I am a safe driver, I haven't hit anything or anyone."
3. I do think that a friend or driving instructor would be a good resource for a refresher, but only if they are calming, not judgy. Only you can decide that.
4. One of the big things that makes me nervous is looking dumb and/or inconveniencing other drivers. Take parallel parking for example, even if there's a spot on a side road and there are no cars behind me, sometimes I'll still drive around the block because I'm worried that the people at the park are watching and judging me! So I also repeat mantras out loud, like, "I will give myself 3 tries to get into this spot, before I try a different one," or "Waiting for others to park is a normal thing to do, they can go around me if they are in a hurry."
5. Do you have any chill drivers in your life that you could use as a mental model? I notice that my partner is a much faster/decisive driver than I am, so when I get behind the wheel, sometimes I play a not-helpful game of "They could've made that left turn without waiting for another light cycle!" or "They would've fit in that parking spot in one try." So irrelevant and unhelpful. All it does is erode my confidence. So it's better to have a relaxed and competent driver as your model. "So-and-so maybe could've made that light, but you know what, they would be totally fine with just waiting for the next cycle, too. So I'm also fine with that."
posted by tinydancer at 10:44 AM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
2. Absent a friend or driving instructor, I've taken to narrating what I'm doing out loud to the empty car. "I'm just about to make a left turn here, so I'll pause and wait for a safe gap. I'm gonna turn after that blue car goes past me. Nice, smooth left turn, so far so good!" Not only does it give my brain something else to do, it is also an affirmation that I'm doing the scary thing, and I'm doing all right! In my early days of driving again, I would literally chant, "I am a safe driver, I haven't hit anything or anyone."
3. I do think that a friend or driving instructor would be a good resource for a refresher, but only if they are calming, not judgy. Only you can decide that.
4. One of the big things that makes me nervous is looking dumb and/or inconveniencing other drivers. Take parallel parking for example, even if there's a spot on a side road and there are no cars behind me, sometimes I'll still drive around the block because I'm worried that the people at the park are watching and judging me! So I also repeat mantras out loud, like, "I will give myself 3 tries to get into this spot, before I try a different one," or "Waiting for others to park is a normal thing to do, they can go around me if they are in a hurry."
5. Do you have any chill drivers in your life that you could use as a mental model? I notice that my partner is a much faster/decisive driver than I am, so when I get behind the wheel, sometimes I play a not-helpful game of "They could've made that left turn without waiting for another light cycle!" or "They would've fit in that parking spot in one try." So irrelevant and unhelpful. All it does is erode my confidence. So it's better to have a relaxed and competent driver as your model. "So-and-so maybe could've made that light, but you know what, they would be totally fine with just waiting for the next cycle, too. So I'm also fine with that."
posted by tinydancer at 10:44 AM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
I can relate to this somewhat. I tried to learn to drive when I was 16 but was way too anxious and scared. I finally got my license when I was 26 but was still pretty anxious until I got a job where I had to drive a lot every day in different settings (city, highway, suburbs, etc) and that got me accustomed to it. The difference for you seems to be that you never got accustomed to it when you were driving regularly. That makes me wonder if some professional assistance might help. Either, as you mention, a really kind and supportive driving instructor or maybe some sessions with a therapist who specializes in phobias? Because it does sound like this verges on a phobia.
Please don't take this as me saying you are being irrational or immature, as you ask in your question. Phobias are very common and don't really have anything to do with maturity or rationality.
One other thing: do you have ADHD or any other kind of neurodivergence? I ask because it's apparently not that uncommon for people with ADHD to have issues with driving, because it does involve a lot of switching of focus and choreographing different activities, especially before you're really comfortable with it. Your list of things you worry about with driving made me wonder about that, because a lot of them are things that I worried about too but that have become second nature with practice.
posted by lunasol at 3:09 PM on June 14, 2022
Please don't take this as me saying you are being irrational or immature, as you ask in your question. Phobias are very common and don't really have anything to do with maturity or rationality.
One other thing: do you have ADHD or any other kind of neurodivergence? I ask because it's apparently not that uncommon for people with ADHD to have issues with driving, because it does involve a lot of switching of focus and choreographing different activities, especially before you're really comfortable with it. Your list of things you worry about with driving made me wonder about that, because a lot of them are things that I worried about too but that have become second nature with practice.
posted by lunasol at 3:09 PM on June 14, 2022
[OP mentioned ADD in their post]
I'll just address this, since I don't see anyone else has yet:
"I just want there to be a pill I can take that makes me feel confident enough to drive and just....be chill about it."
There are, in fact, medications you can take to help your anxiety! Not just sedatives that you're not supposed to drive after taking... for example, propranolol is a beta-blocker that some people take for stage fright. It addresses the physical symptoms, like sweaty palms, but doesn't affect cognition. Perhaps worth trying as an adjunct to the previously mentioned CBT and driving lessons.
posted by acridrabbit at 4:47 PM on June 14, 2022
I'll just address this, since I don't see anyone else has yet:
"I just want there to be a pill I can take that makes me feel confident enough to drive and just....be chill about it."
There are, in fact, medications you can take to help your anxiety! Not just sedatives that you're not supposed to drive after taking... for example, propranolol is a beta-blocker that some people take for stage fright. It addresses the physical symptoms, like sweaty palms, but doesn't affect cognition. Perhaps worth trying as an adjunct to the previously mentioned CBT and driving lessons.
posted by acridrabbit at 4:47 PM on June 14, 2022
Oh yes, this was me, and I'm driving (relatively) comfortably now. Lots of good advice above, just to add a few things I didn't see mentioned:
Annoyingly, renting and carshares made things worse. It's like playing on hard mode: you have to get used to a whole new vehicle every time, you have a time limit, you might be driving unfamiliar roads. If you're already nervous, forget about it! Some carshare experiences set me back months. I was only able to really reduce my anxiety after my spouse bought a car and I started taking it out for short trips on the same routes over and over. Like, my therapist had me start by driving around the block a few times a week and build up from there. Maybe you can borrow a friend's car to get groceries, or at least use a carshare where you can always drive the same model.
An hour lesson with a professional was really helpful, especially because I had never driven in my current city. I got to ask the instructor about the weird local traffic laws and customs (and restaurants and tattoo shops etc...)
Another "thanks therapy!" tip: I asked some people in my life to be calmer and less critical of other drivers when I'm their passenger. My negative self talk does not need suggestions, thank you.
You don't need to like driving, in fact my hatred of car culture is even more righteous now that it's not also a handy justification for my fear. We accept a shocking amount of death and destruction because of this system we built, and I hate it! But I don't deny that my life is better now that I can drive when I need/want to. I hated being the person who always had to ask for rides, and I value being able to offer rides now. Plus there's no better place to practice for karaoke.
posted by doift at 10:49 PM on June 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
Annoyingly, renting and carshares made things worse. It's like playing on hard mode: you have to get used to a whole new vehicle every time, you have a time limit, you might be driving unfamiliar roads. If you're already nervous, forget about it! Some carshare experiences set me back months. I was only able to really reduce my anxiety after my spouse bought a car and I started taking it out for short trips on the same routes over and over. Like, my therapist had me start by driving around the block a few times a week and build up from there. Maybe you can borrow a friend's car to get groceries, or at least use a carshare where you can always drive the same model.
An hour lesson with a professional was really helpful, especially because I had never driven in my current city. I got to ask the instructor about the weird local traffic laws and customs (and restaurants and tattoo shops etc...)
Another "thanks therapy!" tip: I asked some people in my life to be calmer and less critical of other drivers when I'm their passenger. My negative self talk does not need suggestions, thank you.
You don't need to like driving, in fact my hatred of car culture is even more righteous now that it's not also a handy justification for my fear. We accept a shocking amount of death and destruction because of this system we built, and I hate it! But I don't deny that my life is better now that I can drive when I need/want to. I hated being the person who always had to ask for rides, and I value being able to offer rides now. Plus there's no better place to practice for karaoke.
posted by doift at 10:49 PM on June 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
It’s a mental hurdle more than anything - you know how to drive! And it sounds like the wedding is in a quiet area so most of the things you hate like parking and busy streets hopefully won’t be an issue. You just need a bit of practice to get your confidence up. You got this!
posted by Jubey at 12:30 AM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]