Finding my place in Neurodivergent spectrum
June 13, 2022 10:43 PM   Subscribe

It's becoming clear to me that I'm probably neurodivergent, although I don't seem to easily fit into the categories I know about. I would love some resources or advice.

I'm talking to my (yay! Excellent new therapist!) about this but I would like to get a perspective from other people too.

I'm 50 and female, which seems very relevant in terms of not really matching some of the established criteria for, say, being autistic.

Some questions:
Learning about traits common to neurodivergent people like, for example, rejection sensitivity and demand avoidance has been a revelation. Both in my own behaviour, and in some people close to me who seem to have these traits.

But now I think I have the unfortunate habit of looking for evidence of Neurodivergence in everyone around me. (This is something I also noticed in a friend who was recently diagnosed with ADSD, she's been prone to see everyone else's behaviour as proof they also had ADSD).

I keep this speculation to myself, but I'm worried it's not coming from a good place. Like, I've discovered this cool new label and now I'm applying it to everyone I meet?

So far it's lead to me being more patient and kinder, so I suppose that's the thing to keep track of?

I'm also curious about the "spectrum" aspect of things. How can I figure out whether I'm really properly neurodivergent? I'm a bit suspicious of the intensity of my desire to claim this identity. (Is it an identity?)

Maybe all the things that I consider "odd" about myself are just examples of minor peculiarities, true of a lot of people, stuff I just have to deal with, and by seeing them as evidence of Neurodivergence, I'm finding excuses. Is me claiming to be neurodivergent a cop out, "that's just the way I am, I can't change, deal with it"?

And then lastly, there seems to be so little consensus on how diagnosis even happens. The little bit I know about, the criteria for, say, being diagnosed as autistic seems so fraught with unscientific assumptions about culture and gender. And as far as I understand, differs from country to country.
I'm confused!
posted by Zumbador to Human Relations (10 answers total) 21 users marked this as a favorite
 
I'm in the UK, and in the (long, slow) process of going through a diagnosis for ADHD. I'm 35 and female and while a lot of the criteria do match, I am also aware that they have manifested in ways that have been less outwardly obvious (think inattentive rather than hyperactive). It has been made more difficult by a trauma history which has been offered as an alternative diagnosis, although I have made a lot of progress on everything trauma related, except those that relate to executive function and RSD.

Which is to say - neurodivergent diagnosis in general involve matching criteria (both now, and crucially in your behaviour as a child) and excluding other issues. As in general the criteria are based on behaviour observed in middle class, white boys many of us are going to not quite match, or have learnt to effectively mask.

But, it is a relief. Potentially if I do have ADHD it can explain the jobs I've lost, the relationships I've struggled with, the life I've struggled to maintain and it can give me tools that might help in the future. It means things can get better. On those grounds, I really do want the label, and the support that comes with it. Maybe it's the same for you.

In terms of applying it to everyone else - no harm if you aren't suggesting it to people who aren't asking? Often neurodivergent people do flock together, but it seems like the outcome of that is making you more accepting, so maybe it doesn't matter how you got there.
posted by Laura_J at 1:38 AM on June 14, 2022 [4 favorites]


Autism and ADHD are massively underdiagnosed, so it's fairly normal to spot it in people who may not be diagnosed themsevles. It often runs in families, and as Laura_J said above neurodivergent people gravitate to one another, so you may see it in your friends, and as you look back over past romantic relationships. Similarly with celebrities - the Brontes, Elvis, etc - these conditions have been around forever.

There are so many graphics out there, but if you google something like "neurodivergent spectrum twitter graphic" or "autism spectrum twitter graphic" you'll find some great graphic representations of how different conditions co-occur and they way they interact. Neurodivergence can manifest itself in just a few minor peculiarities, the likelihood is though that the more you learn about it, the more you will recognise in your past and current behaviours.

I'm 50 and female, which seems very relevant in terms of not really matching some of the established criteria for, say, being autistic
.

Anyone can be autistic - those autistic children do grow up. In the UK the established criteria for diagnosis is called the triad of impairments. I wouldn't describe it as wholly accurate, but that's how it's done in the UK. You can google it and have a look.
posted by mani at 3:08 AM on June 14, 2022 [2 favorites]


Why does a diagnosis matter to you? I have a kid on the spectrum and he only ended up diagnosed because he was having problems serious enough to interfere with school/learning. Autism-like personality features are very, very common. Like any other aspect of your personality you can address any challenges. And despite what you read on the internet, symptoms like “rejection sensitivity” and “demand avoidance” are not actually core symptoms of autism. The only way to know if you fit in that clinical box (which is the nature of diagnosis) is to get assessed by a professional, unless your symptoms really do match the DSM since childhood.

I suspect what you’re really interested in is how to understand yourself and accept your challenges. You don’t need a diagnosis for that! Having challenges and a personality is not an identity. It’s just human.
posted by haptic_avenger at 5:26 AM on June 14, 2022 [8 favorites]


I have a lot of thoughts on this subject and not all of them are super coherent; I'm also coming at this more from an autism than an ADHD angle, as that's the closest category to my own experience, though I'm also aware that the neurodiversity umbrella encompasses a bunch of other stuff beyond those two rough buckets.

The formal diagnostic criteria for autism in the west are super narrow and largely conform to the stereotypical ways that autism tends to manifest in young white boys. What used to be referred to as "female-coded autism" within the community is now increasingly being referred to as "atypical autism" as people continue to grok that women aren't the only people whose autism presents that way and that the "female" label wasn't super inclusive of the many trans and gender-nonconforming autistic adults whose experiences of autism don't conform to the "little white boy, bad with people, loves trains" stereotypical presentation. There's a ton of user-generated content on platforms like TikTok and Instagram about what this experience is like, #actuallyautistic is likely to be another useful search term for this type of content, as well as #atypicalautism (this post includes a long but not exhaustive summary of atypical autism traits).

I really like Devon Price's writing on this topic, especially articles like Self Diagnosis Isn't 'Valid'. It's Liberatory. and this excerpt from his recent book, Unmasking Autism, (which I haven't read yet but intend to) which delves into the broad swathes of the community who don't get served (literally or figuratively) by narrow stereotypes or diagnostic criteria.

I'm also curious about the "spectrum" aspect of things. How can I figure out whether I'm really properly neurodivergent?

I've found circular rather than linear depictions of the autism spectrum particularly helpful; it's not a line and everyone sits somewhere on that line, it's more like a wheel covering a bunch of different skill and ability areas, and everyone has different strengths and difficulties across those areas.

I'm a bit suspicious of the intensity of my desire to claim this identity.

I felt the same, both about being autistic and about being trans. Both felt so unexpectedly right, and both attract "concerns" from various quarters about trendiness and bandwagon-jumping. I think it's natural to feel this way, and it doesn't make you any less neurodivergent to feel relief or feel seen or feel more yourself in the context of a particular label. My experience with labels has generally been that they're a good starting point for self-understanding and exploration, rather than a fixed end point.

The little bit I know about, the criteria for, say, being diagnosed as autistic seems so fraught with unscientific assumptions about culture and gender.

Yep! This is one of the many reasons I haven't pursued a formal diagnosis (especially since I live in the UK, which seems particularly small-c conservative about adult neurodivergence). I'm already a functional adult, and I suspect that fact would work against me during a diagnostic process. If I were convinced I had ADHD instead of autism, I'd consider it, given that medication seems genuinely helpful for many people with ADHD. But given that there's neither any treatment nor any meaningful support for autistic adults where I live, and that I don't need accommodations from my employer in order to maintain my employment, I've chosen not to pursue a diagnosis. That decision has saved me £1200 and has likely prevented me from accruing even more medical trauma than I already have.

Whether seeking out a diagnosis as an adult is worth doing will totally depend on your personal circumstances. If there are resources or accommodations available to people with diagnoses that might help you, it could be worth pursuing. Similarly, if you're the kind of person who wouldn't feel sufficiently convinced by a self-diagnosis, and you think you'd feel more comfortable in yourself if you had that suspicion formally assessed, it might also be worth doing. It sounds like you're already aware that the formal diagnostic process in most countries lags way behind the level of self-understanding found among the #actuallyautistic community, and most likely won't take into account every neurodivergent trait you actually have. Only you can know if you're the kind of person who would still find it useful to go through that process, or if you're likely to find it discouraging and disheartening to the point that it's not actually helpful.

The thing that helped me the most was understanding that there was a reason why I'd felt like a fucking weirdo all my life, and that there were things I could do to help myself that didn't require a doctor to agree with me that I'm autistic. "I'm feeling really stressed right now because I've had to wear business-appropriate clothing all day, which is a sensory nightmare, and because I've had to work in a performative, social role in front of other people all day too, and that exhausts me" is a much easier position to begin self-care from compared to "I don't understand why I'm melting down right now when other adults seem to be able to handle with ease all the things that profoundly stress me". For me, none of that required a formal diagnosis before it started being helpful.

But now I think I have the unfortunate habit of looking for evidence of Neurodivergence in everyone around me.

Most of my friends, it turns out, are autistic. Some formally diagnosed, some not; some who've understood themselves this way since childhood, some who've only recently come to this conclusion as adults. It might be that you've always subconsciously gravitated towards people who perceive and interact with the world in ways that are similar to you, and that many of you are indeed neurodivergent, rather than that you're suddenly & inappropriately seeing neurodiversity everywhere just because you're more aware of it now.
posted by terretu at 5:35 AM on June 14, 2022 [22 favorites]


Formal diagnosis hasn't been important to me. What IS useful is reading about the things other neurodiverse people find to be helpful life strategies, taking what seems useful and leaving what does not. The picking and choosing would be necessary even if I had a diagnosis, because there is a ton of individual variation among, say, autistic people. And looking at what people with a wide variety of neurodiversities, including stuff I clearly don't have like ADHD, is still helpful because some of their strategies DO work well for me.

I wonder if you're eager for a label because you sort of want an "excuse" to stop some of the masking you're doing, and it's easier to admit that you don't fit in/ aren't comfortable with some normative behaviors if you're neurodiverse?
posted by metasarah at 7:27 AM on June 14, 2022 [4 favorites]


Literally my whole family is dealing with this right now and I was the first to get semi-officially diagnosed as autism spectrum by my therapist at 25. It's pretty obvious in retrospect that I had autistic traits growing up, but it was masked by my very real anxiety/depression. I tell my doctors and therapists that i have autism spectrum, but I never actually bothered getting an official diagnosis because the anxiety/depression diagnosis covers the same treatment categories as autism so why bother. I personally don't care much about labels either way so I would only go for an official diagnosis if it provided practical help. My dad has many autistic traits (and his dad, who was obsessed with trains his whole life) but he's extremely practical and not very self reflective so hasn't shown any interest in getting a diagnosis. I'm not going to push him to look into it because he's happy with himself as he is and the "engineer" label is enough for him.

My older sister (41) is in the UK and recently realized that she has a lot of autistic traits (I was not surprised when she told me) and is currently looking for some sort of diagnosis. For her the most relevant issues are physical, and she has Connective Tissue Disease and joint hyper mobility with no clear biological cause, which is definitely related to autism. I think for her the autistic label has been helpful as it gives her a coherent explanation for confusing symptoms. She's always been very sensitive to irritating sounds, and a sensory hypersensitivity diagnosis makes more sense than the "she's too picky" social diagnosis that women are often saddled with.

My mom very clearly has anxiety and depression, and is currently trying to figure out if she is autistic/neurodivergent as well. I'm honestly not sure with her, she matches some of the diagnosis criteria, but mostly the ones that overlap with anxiety. She does have pretty bad stomach issues with no clear biological cause, which is a common issue in autism. In my conversations with her she doesn't feel comfortable taking on the label right now but may change her mind.

It's pretty clear my whole family has genes and symptoms that are associated with autism, but each of us are taking a different approach to diagnosis and labeling based on where we are on life. That would be my general advice: if you realize you have a bunch of neurodivergent traits, you can stop there if you feel satisfied with that explanation because it explains part of who you are. But if you want a more coherent explanation for health care or identity reasons, you should pursue a full diagnosis.

You seem to be concerned about making the wrong binary choice about taking a neurodivergent identity, but the science is pretty clear that this is not a binary diagnosis. The difference between "having some neurodivergent traits and symptoms" and "being Neurodivergent" is completely arbitrary and changes based on time and who you ask. Picking either side is fine, and it's fine to change your mind later! As for labeling, I don't think it's fair to assign the official labels to others, so I stop myself after diagnosing neurodivergent traits because they can also be caused by developmental issues like child abuse which may make a different label/diagnosis make more sense.
posted by JZig at 7:45 AM on June 14, 2022 [4 favorites]


An immediate family member is going through something very like this at the moment... if anyone ( metasarah ? ) can recommend any other specific reading that's helped with understanding neurodivergent living I'd appreciate being able to pass on reccomendations.
posted by protorp at 7:58 AM on June 14, 2022


I can't give you any direct answers, but I can share my own situation and perspective, which might be helpful.

A counsellor suggested to me that I was autistic a year and a half ago. I pushed back, so did she, I did a ton of reading (I have a whole shelf of autism-related books now), and over time I've come to agree with her. At a minimum, I certainly seem to have a lot of autistic traits. However, it could also be that I'm just anxious, and bright, and analytical, and not very good at reading social nuances. Welcome to the grey area.

One thing that's solidified it a bit for me is lurking on the r/AutismInWomen subreddit, which is frequented by a mixture of clinically diagnosed, self-diagnosed and still-trying-to-figure-this-out people. I recognise a lot of things I thought were unique to me in the posts and comments. I'm sure some of it is horoscope-level stuff - things that would show up in any group of humans - but some of it is definitely not. I am... not accustomed, in my daily life, to seeing my experience reflected in that of others. I fit in with my parents and my brother, although even there I'm a bit of an outlier (remembers spiralling into sheer panic in a department store upon being asked to choose a colour for some new household towels), but I don't have a lot of overlap with anyone else I know.

I very much wish I could simply have taken a blood test or a brain scan or something, straight away, that would have given me a definitive answer... but no. As it is, I haven't sought assessment, for all sorts of reasons. A big one is that thinking of myself as having autistic traits is proving very helpful in a number of mental-health-related ways[*], and a possible outcome of seeking assessment is being told definitively that you are not autistic, which I suspect would do me no favours at this point. So yeah. Maybe I'm autistic. Maybe I have the broad(er) autism phenotype. Maybe I'm just a bit odd. As long as I don't assert an identity that I can't prove is really mine to assert, I don't think it causes any harm for me to think along these lines, or to share with carefully selected other people that I'm thinking along these lines.

[*] For instance, the sheer blessed relief of learning that there are other adults who panic and run away if they can't figure out the rules for, say, ordering food at a cafe. I'm not a toddler walking around in a woman's body; I'm a neurodivergent adult!
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 7:59 AM on June 14, 2022 [8 favorites]


Response by poster: For instance, the sheer blessed relief of learning that there are other adults who panic and run away if they can't figure out the rules for, say, ordering food at a cafe.

OMG.
It me.

Thanks for all the answers. Very helpful.
I don't really want or need an official diagnosis. I guess I'm starting to understand how learning about neurodivergent traits can be helpful.
Thanks particularly for the Reddit group recommendation. Any other similar resource recommendations would be appreciated!
To help me understand neurodivergent people from their own point of view, as it were.
Most of the stuff I'm finding at the moment is aimed at parents to help them understand their children.
posted by Zumbador at 9:14 AM on June 14, 2022 [4 favorites]


More resources? I can do that!

For starters, here's a list of "100-ish Books for Adults Exploring their Own Autistic Identity", which you might find worth exploring.

I've read most of the listed memoirs (although not many of the rest), and there's a lot of overlap with the list I'd come up with myself. I would add Asperger's on the Inside by Michelle Vines, The Electricity of Every Living Thing by Katherine May and Late Bloomer by Clem Bastow. Also, I would be cautious about Why Are The Lights So Loud, because the formatting is broken (at least in the paperback copy I bought), with paragraph breaks in all the wrong places, making it very difficult to read. And speaking of wrong places, The Bride Test is very good, but it's definitely a romance novel not a memoir.

On the non-memoir front, look out for books and YouTube videos by Sarah Hendrickx. I found Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder particularly good.

Other books I'd recommend personally - I'm cribbing shamelessly here from a MeFiMail I just sent to protorp - include:

Finding Your Autistic Superpower, by Christine Lion, which is less self-helpy than the title makes it sound - it's a memoir with some additional advice, action plans and whatnot.
The Subtle Spectrum, by Joanna Grace - also mostly memoir, but includes anecdotes from other autistic people, and subsections on various aspects of the autistic experience.
Invisible Differences, by Julie Dachez: a memoir in graphic novel form
A Different Sort of Normal, by Abigail Balfe: a different way of presenting a memoir, with a lot of graphical elements. It's written to be accessible for children and adolescents, and focuses fairly heavily on the school experience, but it does go beyond that; the author was diagnosed in her early thirties, I think.

Also:
Spectrum Women, ed. Barb Cook and Michelle Garnett (this one is on the list I linked to), and
Women with Autism, by Claire Jack (this one isn't).

All of the books I'm naming are written by autistic women.

And this, from the Wellcome Collection, is a particularly good example of the "we interviewed some late-diagnosed autistic women, and here are their stories" genre of article. In case of link-rot, it's called "No you're not" - a portrait of autistic women.
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 10:02 AM on June 14, 2022 [11 favorites]


« Older looking for movies, memoirs, poems, songs, etc on...   |   My driving fear has me feeling anxious and... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.