How to improve self esteem?
May 23, 2022 11:38 AM Subscribe
I'm going to keep this short, is there anything you've done in life (apart from therapy and meds) that has significant helped to improve a previously rock bottom self esteem?
It could be anything- mastering a skill, making a lot of money, getting a good job, an experience, a book or film that gave you huge insight, a person or group of people, a random event.
I ask because I'm faced with this huge task of rebuilding my self confidence, hell, my sense of self from scratch and I don't know where to start.
I'd also frankly just like to hear accounts of people who have made it out of this hellish pit so I can see its possible.
I ask because I'm faced with this huge task of rebuilding my self confidence, hell, my sense of self from scratch and I don't know where to start.
I'd also frankly just like to hear accounts of people who have made it out of this hellish pit so I can see its possible.
Keeping lists of what of I have accomplished each day/month/year helps me extinguish some negative self talk and boosted my self esteem a bit.
posted by drezdn at 11:46 AM on May 23, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by drezdn at 11:46 AM on May 23, 2022 [8 favorites]
Adopting a dog and giving it a lot of love and taking really good care of it and offering it a great new life.
And then deciding to believe it when it tells you how great you are with its big brown eyes.
posted by barnowl at 11:49 AM on May 23, 2022 [12 favorites]
And then deciding to believe it when it tells you how great you are with its big brown eyes.
posted by barnowl at 11:49 AM on May 23, 2022 [12 favorites]
I learned how to do things—Chinese cooking, taking photographs, frosting a cake, getting an orchid to rebloom, sewing a baby toy—I didn’t have to become an expert, but learning how to do something physical I had never done before really made me pay attention to myself and my abilities. Even if I wasn’t great at the task or class, I knew something I didn’t know before. And I was sort of pleased that I could learn, and that made me feel a bit better about myself.
posted by Ideefixe at 12:01 PM on May 23, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by Ideefixe at 12:01 PM on May 23, 2022 [11 favorites]
Become a mentor or leader. My self esteem was non-existent up until my 20s when I got into hiking and eventually became a trip leader for the Appalachian Mountain Club. Suddenly people were looking to me to LEAD them into the woods. I hardly knew any more than they did, but they looked up to me just because I was in charge. It was like magic! I no longer lead trips but the confidence that experience gave me has stuck with me.
Also, yes, as you said in the post, mastering a skill. In my case not so much mastering, but getting good enough at something so people know you're The Person Who Knows That Thing and then when they want to know about that thing they might come to you because they know you know it.
Also also, if there's a thing in your life that caused your lack of self esteem, it helps to get far enough away from that thing (distance and/or time) to get over it. In my case it was a horrible family life and high school. Getting older and finding my own family (actually family and/or friends) helped, as did time to get over the bullies in school.
There are still many moments in life where I think I'm the worst person ever and nobody likes me. I'm always able to get out of those moments and think "I'm pretty neat and no better or worse than anyone."
Good luck!
posted by bondcliff at 12:09 PM on May 23, 2022 [8 favorites]
Also, yes, as you said in the post, mastering a skill. In my case not so much mastering, but getting good enough at something so people know you're The Person Who Knows That Thing and then when they want to know about that thing they might come to you because they know you know it.
Also also, if there's a thing in your life that caused your lack of self esteem, it helps to get far enough away from that thing (distance and/or time) to get over it. In my case it was a horrible family life and high school. Getting older and finding my own family (actually family and/or friends) helped, as did time to get over the bullies in school.
There are still many moments in life where I think I'm the worst person ever and nobody likes me. I'm always able to get out of those moments and think "I'm pretty neat and no better or worse than anyone."
Good luck!
posted by bondcliff at 12:09 PM on May 23, 2022 [8 favorites]
There is one critical thing you can do for yourself and your self esteem financially: pinpoint a level at which you have the basic things you need for your sustenance and want in your heart: health care, a bit of travel, a place to call your own, the ability to buy what you like at the grocery store without stress or anxiety, a little left over to do activities and hobbies. You will beat yourself up constantly if you cannot have whatever your personal basics are. So find the level that makes that real.
Once you find where that is, just fucking stop.
The entire mechanism of capitalism is set up to convince you that every extra dollar that comes your way should be spent buying something, upgrading something, moving forward your material footprint. You're going to need more money, a new job on the regular. Keep moving or die. Don't fall for it. It's a trap. Making more money than you need every month and not having to worry is one of the most calming things you can possibly do for yourself and a real boon to self esteem. Find the level your comfortable little life requires and make juuuuuust a bit more, so you can relax. And maybe, just maybe retire before you croak.
Do what you need to make sure you make enough to be able to stop worrying. Worry kills. You shouldn't have to worry about things like new tires or buying that shampoo you like or whether you can get prosciutto for your sandwich or should just get honey ham. You shouldn't lose hair wondering whether you're going to get to go on a little trip this year or maybe next at least. But then, even more importantly: enjoy that for what it is. Resist the urge to buy a newer, better car to put those tires on. Yours is fine. Enjoy that shampoo you like. But don't get tripped on whether your life could be a little better if you tried the $65 one. Your hair looks great. Relax. Enjoy that trip. But don't worry when your hotel is pleasant, but a more luxurious one looms overheard. Aren't you still on a nice trip? Life is good.
Your personal threshold for where this point comes financially will be highly idiosyncratic. It's not a matter of ambition or a fixed level of income. I've got a friend who smiles and smiles as long as she can bring home mostly what she wants from the bookstore and has plenty of free time to visit the lake and watch birds. Another friend lives in a tiny townhouse but has the swankiest car. As long as that thing purrs and he has a little leftover at Halloween to make the neighborhood's coolest costume, he's happy. My partner likes a big ol' backyard she can fill with flowers and a trip back home to Europe every few years.
Your life will be miserable if money pressure squeezes you and makes it smaller than fits you. But you can also make yourself feel awful always wondering what more you could have or do.
At a certain point, you'll be able to look around and think, "Isn't this nice?" Then you're done.
Maybe you haven't gotten there financially yet. Or maybe you did and didn't see it for what it was. Two sides of the same coin. Find out what "enough" is, do the work to get there and then just enjoy that life.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:14 PM on May 23, 2022 [44 favorites]
Once you find where that is, just fucking stop.
The entire mechanism of capitalism is set up to convince you that every extra dollar that comes your way should be spent buying something, upgrading something, moving forward your material footprint. You're going to need more money, a new job on the regular. Keep moving or die. Don't fall for it. It's a trap. Making more money than you need every month and not having to worry is one of the most calming things you can possibly do for yourself and a real boon to self esteem. Find the level your comfortable little life requires and make juuuuuust a bit more, so you can relax. And maybe, just maybe retire before you croak.
Do what you need to make sure you make enough to be able to stop worrying. Worry kills. You shouldn't have to worry about things like new tires or buying that shampoo you like or whether you can get prosciutto for your sandwich or should just get honey ham. You shouldn't lose hair wondering whether you're going to get to go on a little trip this year or maybe next at least. But then, even more importantly: enjoy that for what it is. Resist the urge to buy a newer, better car to put those tires on. Yours is fine. Enjoy that shampoo you like. But don't get tripped on whether your life could be a little better if you tried the $65 one. Your hair looks great. Relax. Enjoy that trip. But don't worry when your hotel is pleasant, but a more luxurious one looms overheard. Aren't you still on a nice trip? Life is good.
Your personal threshold for where this point comes financially will be highly idiosyncratic. It's not a matter of ambition or a fixed level of income. I've got a friend who smiles and smiles as long as she can bring home mostly what she wants from the bookstore and has plenty of free time to visit the lake and watch birds. Another friend lives in a tiny townhouse but has the swankiest car. As long as that thing purrs and he has a little leftover at Halloween to make the neighborhood's coolest costume, he's happy. My partner likes a big ol' backyard she can fill with flowers and a trip back home to Europe every few years.
Your life will be miserable if money pressure squeezes you and makes it smaller than fits you. But you can also make yourself feel awful always wondering what more you could have or do.
At a certain point, you'll be able to look around and think, "Isn't this nice?" Then you're done.
Maybe you haven't gotten there financially yet. Or maybe you did and didn't see it for what it was. Two sides of the same coin. Find out what "enough" is, do the work to get there and then just enjoy that life.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:14 PM on May 23, 2022 [44 favorites]
At one point I just decided to. I had been beating myself up a lot like we're all taught to and I was suffering from it. Then I realized that when someone gets beat up too much, well, they die. And I thought, why am I participating in something I don't want to happen? Other people are already doing a great job keeping me down & they don't need any help.
I am on my own side and on my own team always because even with the best family & friends in the world, ultimately you have to be your own friend too. You might find that accomplishing external things helps but it's not necessary. Because you still have to be on your own side even if you never put anything else out into the world.
Once you start making these choices one at a time, to take your own side and support yourself like you'd support your friends, you'll find it feels good, and you'll want to keep doing it.
posted by bleep at 12:17 PM on May 23, 2022 [14 favorites]
I am on my own side and on my own team always because even with the best family & friends in the world, ultimately you have to be your own friend too. You might find that accomplishing external things helps but it's not necessary. Because you still have to be on your own side even if you never put anything else out into the world.
Once you start making these choices one at a time, to take your own side and support yourself like you'd support your friends, you'll find it feels good, and you'll want to keep doing it.
posted by bleep at 12:17 PM on May 23, 2022 [14 favorites]
For me the trick has been actively interrupting and questioning self-loathing thoughts. Viewing them as kind of self-indulgent and illogical. Like, really, I’m THE STUPIDEST MOST UNLOVABLE loser on the entire planet earth because I fucked up at work or gained 15 lbs? Get over your[my]self!
One bit of advice I hear a lot that has actually helped me reframe my thoughts: think about whether you’d say the same things about a friend, and treating yourself as well as or better than a beloved friend. (Not only would I never call a friend a loser or unlovable for any reasons, I wouldn’t even notice if they fucked up at work or gained 15 lbs because those things don’t matter.)
I think it’s important to have self-esteem that’s not based on accomplishments at all. When my self-image is low I can do things other people consider amazing (I quit smoking, I lost 50 lbs, I got an unprecedented promotion at work during a period of depression and self loathing and it didn’t help—I still felt like I didn’t deserve to live happily.)
posted by kapers at 12:17 PM on May 23, 2022 [12 favorites]
One bit of advice I hear a lot that has actually helped me reframe my thoughts: think about whether you’d say the same things about a friend, and treating yourself as well as or better than a beloved friend. (Not only would I never call a friend a loser or unlovable for any reasons, I wouldn’t even notice if they fucked up at work or gained 15 lbs because those things don’t matter.)
I think it’s important to have self-esteem that’s not based on accomplishments at all. When my self-image is low I can do things other people consider amazing (I quit smoking, I lost 50 lbs, I got an unprecedented promotion at work during a period of depression and self loathing and it didn’t help—I still felt like I didn’t deserve to live happily.)
posted by kapers at 12:17 PM on May 23, 2022 [12 favorites]
Simple thing: accepting a genuine compliment.
If someone says something nice about you, just say thank you instead of being all 'oh no, please, my hair looks terrible today, I really need to color it' or whatever.
You may not believe it in the moment, but just continuing to say thank you instead of arguing against it goes a long way in helping you see yourself in a more positive light.
posted by greta simone at 12:43 PM on May 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
If someone says something nice about you, just say thank you instead of being all 'oh no, please, my hair looks terrible today, I really need to color it' or whatever.
You may not believe it in the moment, but just continuing to say thank you instead of arguing against it goes a long way in helping you see yourself in a more positive light.
posted by greta simone at 12:43 PM on May 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
Echoing those who said "learn a new skill." Especially if the skill is in an area you didn't think you could master or in which you have internalized a narrative that you are deficient. It makes you feel proud that you did a thing and also challenges your negative assumptions about yourself.
posted by missrachael at 1:11 PM on May 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by missrachael at 1:11 PM on May 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
Since I was a child, I wanted to be a published author. I co-authored a non-fiction book published by a university press...when I was 62.
Oh, and it wasn't as thrilling an incident as I had thought it would be. But I do feel satisfaction. In total, I've written and co-written 6 published books so far.
posted by tmdonahue at 1:14 PM on May 23, 2022 [6 favorites]
Oh, and it wasn't as thrilling an incident as I had thought it would be. But I do feel satisfaction. In total, I've written and co-written 6 published books so far.
posted by tmdonahue at 1:14 PM on May 23, 2022 [6 favorites]
Honestly - the opposite of mastering a skill. I set out to make bad art in a medium I’m not familiar with or felt good at. And I didn’t do it to improve. I didn’t do it to show anyone. I did it so that I could talk to my brain about my worth and my time being valuable just by themselves. That I didn’t need to be or do anything impressive. I could just Be. I happened upon my project just a fee days ago when I was cleaning and was surprised at how much I really love it. (If you want to do the same - I did one index card every day in a variety of mediums including just stickers and some bingo dotter ink. I put them all in a card index box. I think I did over 60 of them, but the point wasn’t the number it was just doing it every day and for my own purposes.) I think letting myself be bad at something was invaluable for my mental health and self esteem. Mastery only set me up to feel like I was only as good as what I can do, and that’s always going to feel unfulfilled because I can always be better.
posted by Bottlecap at 1:26 PM on May 23, 2022 [19 favorites]
posted by Bottlecap at 1:26 PM on May 23, 2022 [19 favorites]
This is sort of echoing bondcliff's answer: have positive 1:1 or small group interactions with other people.
I work at a somewhat dysfunctional educational institution and when I feel down I try to schedule 1:1 or small group support work with students for the end of my day, and it almost always ends the day on a high note because even in a messy environment students are usually appreciative of 1:1 interactions with someone helping them.
Other opportunities for this are (depending on your own preferences): volunteer in an after-school program or local library, join a hobbyist group, join a church/civic group and volunteer for a thing, participate in one of those casual sports things like zogsports. If you do something you enjoy with small groups you will have positive 1:1 interactions and these can build self worth.
posted by Wretch729 at 1:31 PM on May 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
I work at a somewhat dysfunctional educational institution and when I feel down I try to schedule 1:1 or small group support work with students for the end of my day, and it almost always ends the day on a high note because even in a messy environment students are usually appreciative of 1:1 interactions with someone helping them.
Other opportunities for this are (depending on your own preferences): volunteer in an after-school program or local library, join a hobbyist group, join a church/civic group and volunteer for a thing, participate in one of those casual sports things like zogsports. If you do something you enjoy with small groups you will have positive 1:1 interactions and these can build self worth.
posted by Wretch729 at 1:31 PM on May 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
It helped me a huge amount to realize that people who are overly critical or disapproving of me are often showing a bias toward my identity. If they don't think someone who looks like me should be doing my job, there's no way for me to be "good enough" for them, and I shouldn't internalize their standards.
posted by BrashTech at 1:49 PM on May 23, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by BrashTech at 1:49 PM on May 23, 2022 [6 favorites]
There's a saying about (romantic, mostly) relationships that you should wake up every day and choose to be in it - to BE in it, IN it, not just flow along in the current of previous decisions because that's easier at the moment - and you can do the same with you. Nobody's got a perfect partner, we choose to deal with or work around or simply support our partners as best we can in their flaws and struggles and we look to them to do the same for us.
You can do that with you. You can treat that negative voice like you would that weird coworker or family member who has an irrational dislike of your partner and blows their flaws or minor mistakes out of perspective, and just be like hey, Sunflower88 is doing the best they can right now.
You can practice treating yourself like a friend over and over every day, and even if you don't manage to nail it every time it just matters that you keep trying. It becomes a habit. Congratulate yourself on tiny victories*, seize opportunities to do yourself little kindnesses - you can make yourself lunch and then eat it and think hey, it's so nice to have this lunch, this is a nice thing I've done for me (use the framing that works for you to start, sometimes it might be "you've done for me" or "we've done for we" if you kind of exist as a multi-threaded entity inside your head).
I literally decided a few months ago to specifically start internally using the phrase "this is nice" in my self-narration and inner monologue, about anything that's nice whether that's a pleasant temperature or a cookie or the way some of my pens feel on paper or the soup I just made. This is nice, this is really nice, oh this freshly-washed t-shirt is so nice, this cold drink is nice. For me "nice" is a word that conjures both enjoyment and gratitude, you might have a different word but make it a word with strongly positive connotations. Aim higher than "okay" here, because you're training your brain to default to a higher operational standard. Make finding satisfaction in the world around you, even little tiny things, more of a reflex than the instant negative thought.
There are a lot of forces that want you to feel like shit. Advertising is almost entirely predicated on "here's some more crap that's better than the crap you have and will make you for a fleeting moment feel better now that we've made you feel bad about it." Manipulation through all kinds of methods is what gets us to spend money and not walk off our jobs and not paint your house hot pink and replace the lawn with a bowling lane and fruit trees. Self-loathing and self-defeat only serves that team, the feel-like-shit team. That team wants you to believe that self-interest and self-defense and self-compassion are bad and wrong and that feeling like shit and hating yourself is supposed to be the norm. They also have a vested interest in you believing that external validation is the only right kind of validation, because that's the only kind they can sell you.
So if you have something of a "hate being told what to do" personality, if you hate being sold crap to make you feel like shit, you can choose yourself just to spite them, if you're not ready to believe that you can like you for you.
You cannot fill yourself up entirely on external validation. It's a micronutrient. Getting a better job can only do so much - certainly it's not nothing because poverty or extreme money struggles are a major roadblock - having fancy crap is still crap and it doesn't love you, winning awards will feel meaningless if you already feel meaningless. I do agree with others that there are kinds of interactions you can have with other people that are good for your brain (and good for getting you out of your own ass for a minute), but they aren't giving the good feeling to you, you are taking the good feeling that emerges from the moment with you. We ARE pack animals, we do need indicators of safety and security from other humans, but someone else cannot fill you up; all they can do is tick a set of boxes that are important but do not make up the entirety of you.
*This is about giving yourself the congratulations, not about the victory itself. Completing tasks that make your life better are also their own kind of reward and an important part of breaking the habits of self-defeating behaviors, but thanking you for taking care of you is actually where your brain learns new wiring and a new inner dialogue in which you are not an enemy.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:01 PM on May 23, 2022 [10 favorites]
You can do that with you. You can treat that negative voice like you would that weird coworker or family member who has an irrational dislike of your partner and blows their flaws or minor mistakes out of perspective, and just be like hey, Sunflower88 is doing the best they can right now.
You can practice treating yourself like a friend over and over every day, and even if you don't manage to nail it every time it just matters that you keep trying. It becomes a habit. Congratulate yourself on tiny victories*, seize opportunities to do yourself little kindnesses - you can make yourself lunch and then eat it and think hey, it's so nice to have this lunch, this is a nice thing I've done for me (use the framing that works for you to start, sometimes it might be "you've done for me" or "we've done for we" if you kind of exist as a multi-threaded entity inside your head).
I literally decided a few months ago to specifically start internally using the phrase "this is nice" in my self-narration and inner monologue, about anything that's nice whether that's a pleasant temperature or a cookie or the way some of my pens feel on paper or the soup I just made. This is nice, this is really nice, oh this freshly-washed t-shirt is so nice, this cold drink is nice. For me "nice" is a word that conjures both enjoyment and gratitude, you might have a different word but make it a word with strongly positive connotations. Aim higher than "okay" here, because you're training your brain to default to a higher operational standard. Make finding satisfaction in the world around you, even little tiny things, more of a reflex than the instant negative thought.
There are a lot of forces that want you to feel like shit. Advertising is almost entirely predicated on "here's some more crap that's better than the crap you have and will make you for a fleeting moment feel better now that we've made you feel bad about it." Manipulation through all kinds of methods is what gets us to spend money and not walk off our jobs and not paint your house hot pink and replace the lawn with a bowling lane and fruit trees. Self-loathing and self-defeat only serves that team, the feel-like-shit team. That team wants you to believe that self-interest and self-defense and self-compassion are bad and wrong and that feeling like shit and hating yourself is supposed to be the norm. They also have a vested interest in you believing that external validation is the only right kind of validation, because that's the only kind they can sell you.
So if you have something of a "hate being told what to do" personality, if you hate being sold crap to make you feel like shit, you can choose yourself just to spite them, if you're not ready to believe that you can like you for you.
You cannot fill yourself up entirely on external validation. It's a micronutrient. Getting a better job can only do so much - certainly it's not nothing because poverty or extreme money struggles are a major roadblock - having fancy crap is still crap and it doesn't love you, winning awards will feel meaningless if you already feel meaningless. I do agree with others that there are kinds of interactions you can have with other people that are good for your brain (and good for getting you out of your own ass for a minute), but they aren't giving the good feeling to you, you are taking the good feeling that emerges from the moment with you. We ARE pack animals, we do need indicators of safety and security from other humans, but someone else cannot fill you up; all they can do is tick a set of boxes that are important but do not make up the entirety of you.
*This is about giving yourself the congratulations, not about the victory itself. Completing tasks that make your life better are also their own kind of reward and an important part of breaking the habits of self-defeating behaviors, but thanking you for taking care of you is actually where your brain learns new wiring and a new inner dialogue in which you are not an enemy.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:01 PM on May 23, 2022 [10 favorites]
is there anything you've done in life (apart from therapy and meds) that has significant helped to improve a previously rock bottom self esteem?
Two things:
Exercise. In my case, yoga. I don't do it anymore, but it was there when I needed it. But really any physical practice that you can learn slowly while being kind to yourself, that doesn't hurt to do but feels actually good. I find it helps me occupy physical space with much more confidence.
Secondly, and this will sound contradictory but it's not. But it was giving myself permission to be fat, and still do the things I wanted, instead of assuming that I need to be thin in order to do them. Growing up in a South Asian culture that prized thinness, I'd always believed being thin was the key. But it wasn't, for me. And over my 20s and 30s, as I kept ratcheting up little accomplishments - wearing cute outfits, going dancing, talking to strangers - I felt better and better about myself. My relationship with my weight is still fraught - it's a journey - but at least I don't stop myself from doing things I want to do out of a mistaken belief that you only get to do certain things because you are thin.
This isn't about weight, but it is, I think, about giving yourself permission to be where you are. About accepting yourself where you are at and placing importance on doing the things that make Present You happy. You deserve to be happy! It can be very affirming to prioritise the things that make you happy.
posted by unicorn chaser at 2:24 PM on May 23, 2022 [6 favorites]
Two things:
Exercise. In my case, yoga. I don't do it anymore, but it was there when I needed it. But really any physical practice that you can learn slowly while being kind to yourself, that doesn't hurt to do but feels actually good. I find it helps me occupy physical space with much more confidence.
Secondly, and this will sound contradictory but it's not. But it was giving myself permission to be fat, and still do the things I wanted, instead of assuming that I need to be thin in order to do them. Growing up in a South Asian culture that prized thinness, I'd always believed being thin was the key. But it wasn't, for me. And over my 20s and 30s, as I kept ratcheting up little accomplishments - wearing cute outfits, going dancing, talking to strangers - I felt better and better about myself. My relationship with my weight is still fraught - it's a journey - but at least I don't stop myself from doing things I want to do out of a mistaken belief that you only get to do certain things because you are thin.
This isn't about weight, but it is, I think, about giving yourself permission to be where you are. About accepting yourself where you are at and placing importance on doing the things that make Present You happy. You deserve to be happy! It can be very affirming to prioritise the things that make you happy.
posted by unicorn chaser at 2:24 PM on May 23, 2022 [6 favorites]
Volunteering. Doesn’t even need to be through an organization. Even just running an errand for someone who is too busy or overwhelmed. Cleaning a beach or a park or a bit of road. Getting a meal to someone who’s in a rough patch. It doesn’t have to cost you anything but time, but it can be a real lift to find some way to help someone else. You might be able to find someone who can specifically benefit from a skill or experience you have.
posted by Ookseer at 3:10 PM on May 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Ookseer at 3:10 PM on May 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
On days when I’ve been at my very lowest (dangerously suicidal, but too depressed to act on concrete plans, to give you an idea of how low I mean) one of the very few glimmers has been to tell myself that my cats love me. It’s a cliche but it’s there for a reason. And when a cat chooses to walk towards you and bonk their fuzzy head on you? That means you are doing something right, be it your consistency, your loyalty, your energy, heck, even your properties as a comfy warm lap or soothing hand. Even if I’m sad I can bring comfort to a cat by stroking their head or sharing a couch. I think pets in general are an amazing way to have passive positive affirmation but cats in particular are my favorite for empathy and love on personal terms.
posted by Mizu at 3:17 PM on May 23, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by Mizu at 3:17 PM on May 23, 2022 [7 favorites]
Limiting or eliminating time with people who make you doubt yourself in any way. Sometime I couldn't pinpoint why certain people had that effect, sometimes it was obvious. Either way, cutting back time spent with them helped me realize that some conversations are better in smaller doses.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 3:18 PM on May 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Hardcore Poser at 3:18 PM on May 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
Honestly for me it was working on self-compassion with the help of a therapist. It was slow-going but totally transformative. I now will find myself randomly thinking "I love myself," which I never would have dreamed possible before. Practicing self-compassion led to self-esteem for me. It's not a one-and-done though. I have to remind myself to be compassionate. It has gotten easier and easier with practice. Here is one self-compassion exercise I use.
posted by purple_bird at 3:55 PM on May 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by purple_bird at 3:55 PM on May 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
I follow Jorts The Cat and Chuck Tingle on Twitter, because they consistently validate the right-ness of all of us, even if your trot is unique or you sometimes fall into a trash can.
I also listen to all four parts of Paul Gilbert’s workshop on Compassion Focused Therapy, and do the short exercises as he introduces them. Sometimes it’s not a self-esteem problem as much as it is an ‘accept that where you are right now is hard and also absolutely worthy of dignity and love” issue. At least, for me, it’s often an even balance of the two.
posted by Silvery Fish at 4:08 PM on May 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
I also listen to all four parts of Paul Gilbert’s workshop on Compassion Focused Therapy, and do the short exercises as he introduces them. Sometimes it’s not a self-esteem problem as much as it is an ‘accept that where you are right now is hard and also absolutely worthy of dignity and love” issue. At least, for me, it’s often an even balance of the two.
posted by Silvery Fish at 4:08 PM on May 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
People often think they have poor self-esteem because they mostly determine it by how they measure up. It's comparative. This is why the idea of "self-esteem" is flawed. We often feel bad about ourselves because we think we are lacking in some way compared to others. If you remove the comparison, you might find that you're less concerned about the concept of self-esteem.
You might have "poor self-esteem" if you ask the question: How do I rate myself relative to others? Self-esteem is not about ability, knowledge, physical appearance, or your family background. Your sense of value , or worthiness, is derived from being present and the presence of you. You already know who you are at your essence and there is no need to justify your existence, or to explain who you are, in relation to others. When you know this you won't have to ask how you can improve your self-esteem because there is nothing to improve. Would you expect a baby to have high self-esteem? They have no idea of self or the concept. They just are and they belong. When you drop the comparison, it's freeing. You can do stuff for the enjoyment of it without worrying if it's good, bad , impressive, social-media worthy, etc.
posted by loveandhappiness at 4:26 PM on May 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
You might have "poor self-esteem" if you ask the question: How do I rate myself relative to others? Self-esteem is not about ability, knowledge, physical appearance, or your family background. Your sense of value , or worthiness, is derived from being present and the presence of you. You already know who you are at your essence and there is no need to justify your existence, or to explain who you are, in relation to others. When you know this you won't have to ask how you can improve your self-esteem because there is nothing to improve. Would you expect a baby to have high self-esteem? They have no idea of self or the concept. They just are and they belong. When you drop the comparison, it's freeing. You can do stuff for the enjoyment of it without worrying if it's good, bad , impressive, social-media worthy, etc.
posted by loveandhappiness at 4:26 PM on May 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
Anti-depressants help, and I've considered taking low dose testosterone; an afab->m transitioning friend has found it rather amazing, and I've talked to others.
Depression lies and tells us we are terrible, things are terrible. I went back on meds, and in spite of how terrible PandemicTime actually is, I feel a lot better. I don't care that a friend turned on me because I recognize that the friend is deeply screwed up and can't deal. I've reconnected with some nice friends, and I have a sweet new dog. I feel ready to take on some new stuff. Things might be okay or at least okay-ish.
Even if you don't add meds, remind yourself that your are a person deserving of love, respect, joy, fun, and so many good things. Make lists. Be generous with yourself. Stand straighter and look the world in the eye and tell it to behave.
posted by theora55 at 4:58 PM on May 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
Depression lies and tells us we are terrible, things are terrible. I went back on meds, and in spite of how terrible PandemicTime actually is, I feel a lot better. I don't care that a friend turned on me because I recognize that the friend is deeply screwed up and can't deal. I've reconnected with some nice friends, and I have a sweet new dog. I feel ready to take on some new stuff. Things might be okay or at least okay-ish.
Even if you don't add meds, remind yourself that your are a person deserving of love, respect, joy, fun, and so many good things. Make lists. Be generous with yourself. Stand straighter and look the world in the eye and tell it to behave.
posted by theora55 at 4:58 PM on May 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
1) Identify something small and achievable that you really want to do. (Do not choose something that the world, social media, your partner, your parents, or your friends want you to do. It has to be something you really want to do. Do not choose something that will take more than a few days to do. So, lose 30 pounds is out. Go for three walks this week is fine.)
2) Do that thing.
3) Really acknowledge to yourself and celebrate fully that you did that thing.
4) Repeat.
posted by hworth at 5:13 PM on May 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
2) Do that thing.
3) Really acknowledge to yourself and celebrate fully that you did that thing.
4) Repeat.
posted by hworth at 5:13 PM on May 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
I surrounded myself with people from the same racial and cultural background as me - meaning specifically people within 15 years of my age, who like me were born in suburban North America, to parents who all immigrated from The Same General Part Of The World.
And I follow mostly exclusively people from this same population on social media. (And NOT the supermodel influencer types! I follow “real people” who look like me and share culture with me, with normal bodies and normal clothes and normal homes, whose accounts show their cool niche hobbies or normal lives or political / activist info.)
It’s amazing how much of my “low self esteem” was just a direct result of being constantly demeaned and insulted and positioned as inferior in images and media and white spaces. Surrounding myself with people “like me” who I like and admire showed me that I’m like them - likeable and admirable. I’m not inferior at all, I was just programmed to believe I was.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:47 PM on May 23, 2022 [12 favorites]
And I follow mostly exclusively people from this same population on social media. (And NOT the supermodel influencer types! I follow “real people” who look like me and share culture with me, with normal bodies and normal clothes and normal homes, whose accounts show their cool niche hobbies or normal lives or political / activist info.)
It’s amazing how much of my “low self esteem” was just a direct result of being constantly demeaned and insulted and positioned as inferior in images and media and white spaces. Surrounding myself with people “like me” who I like and admire showed me that I’m like them - likeable and admirable. I’m not inferior at all, I was just programmed to believe I was.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:47 PM on May 23, 2022 [12 favorites]
Caretaking myself.
Seriously, there is no skill I could gain and no goal I could meet that couldn't be ruined by the knowledge that I would never be the best at it. If I were to run a marathon, other people would have better times. If I were to become a romantic partner to the sweetest person alive, there would still be other people around me who can't imagine anyone ever wanting to be in a romantic relationship with me. If I were to be filthy rich it wouldn't make me smart. If I were to have wonderful self control and put all of my effort into excelling at some career it wouldn't make me a decent human being. If I were to become famous and loved by strangers I would still not be making a difference to the world.
The only thing that makes me feel worthwhile is acting like I am worthwhile. So cutting out the negative self talk, doing the boring maintenance, cherishing myself, looking after myself, denying myself things that are bad for me, protecting my boundaries. This is what makes me feel worthy. Basically, I am the very best parent I can be to my inner five year old, the very best bf I can be to myself, the very best partner and lover.
That often means being objective. If you love someone you don't have illusions about them. If you have illusions, you don't love them, you love your fantasy of them. Yeah, I don't look pretty. But people love ugly children, and ugly partners. You don't have to be good looking to be loved or to be lovable. Yeah, I'm kind of stupid. But the world is set up for stupid people, so I get on fine. I can learn. I can get advice. I can be happy even if I am stupid.
I treat myself as though I have inherent worth, so I feel like I have inherent worth. I tell myself I have inherent worth and I believe it. I don't set absurd unachievable goals for myself. I set goals that I can meet. I work on being the person I want to be. I can be mad at myself or ashamed or despair, but I still treat myself like I am worthwhile. Okay, I really screwed up at something. Now how do I fix it? How do I make the situation better? Where do I go on from here?
I don't try to make anyone else like me or admire me - that's fraud. Either I am likeable, or I am interesting, or I have something to contribute, or I am not and do not. But waiting for someone else to validate me just wastes time that could be spent doing things that are interesting, or that help, or that makes things better. If I were to paint so that people admired my paintings I'd be throwing away my hunger to create in order to chase validation.
Other people cannot fill the void. You can be loved by someone and still not love yourself. You are the only one who can really love yourself. You are the only one who can really appreciate your sense of humour, or your own artistic vision. You can never get anyone else to love you the way you can learn to love yourself. You're the only one who can really tell when you are malingering and kick your ass. You are the only one who can really tell when you have been trying and trying and trying and are damaging yourself from trying too hard. Nobody else can looking into your soul. You are in a unique position to cherish yourself and make the most of your one wild and precious life.
You start by filling one tiny need. You go on to the next. You keep going. You don't wallow, because that is neglect. You don't lie to yourself, because that is neglect. You don't punish, because punishing yourself is bad care taking. Instead of punishing yourself, you figure out what you need to do so that you don't do that thing again, the thing you want to punish yourself for doing. You just keep figuring out what you need and finding a way to do it for yourself.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:11 PM on May 23, 2022 [7 favorites]
Seriously, there is no skill I could gain and no goal I could meet that couldn't be ruined by the knowledge that I would never be the best at it. If I were to run a marathon, other people would have better times. If I were to become a romantic partner to the sweetest person alive, there would still be other people around me who can't imagine anyone ever wanting to be in a romantic relationship with me. If I were to be filthy rich it wouldn't make me smart. If I were to have wonderful self control and put all of my effort into excelling at some career it wouldn't make me a decent human being. If I were to become famous and loved by strangers I would still not be making a difference to the world.
The only thing that makes me feel worthwhile is acting like I am worthwhile. So cutting out the negative self talk, doing the boring maintenance, cherishing myself, looking after myself, denying myself things that are bad for me, protecting my boundaries. This is what makes me feel worthy. Basically, I am the very best parent I can be to my inner five year old, the very best bf I can be to myself, the very best partner and lover.
That often means being objective. If you love someone you don't have illusions about them. If you have illusions, you don't love them, you love your fantasy of them. Yeah, I don't look pretty. But people love ugly children, and ugly partners. You don't have to be good looking to be loved or to be lovable. Yeah, I'm kind of stupid. But the world is set up for stupid people, so I get on fine. I can learn. I can get advice. I can be happy even if I am stupid.
I treat myself as though I have inherent worth, so I feel like I have inherent worth. I tell myself I have inherent worth and I believe it. I don't set absurd unachievable goals for myself. I set goals that I can meet. I work on being the person I want to be. I can be mad at myself or ashamed or despair, but I still treat myself like I am worthwhile. Okay, I really screwed up at something. Now how do I fix it? How do I make the situation better? Where do I go on from here?
I don't try to make anyone else like me or admire me - that's fraud. Either I am likeable, or I am interesting, or I have something to contribute, or I am not and do not. But waiting for someone else to validate me just wastes time that could be spent doing things that are interesting, or that help, or that makes things better. If I were to paint so that people admired my paintings I'd be throwing away my hunger to create in order to chase validation.
Other people cannot fill the void. You can be loved by someone and still not love yourself. You are the only one who can really love yourself. You are the only one who can really appreciate your sense of humour, or your own artistic vision. You can never get anyone else to love you the way you can learn to love yourself. You're the only one who can really tell when you are malingering and kick your ass. You are the only one who can really tell when you have been trying and trying and trying and are damaging yourself from trying too hard. Nobody else can looking into your soul. You are in a unique position to cherish yourself and make the most of your one wild and precious life.
You start by filling one tiny need. You go on to the next. You keep going. You don't wallow, because that is neglect. You don't lie to yourself, because that is neglect. You don't punish, because punishing yourself is bad care taking. Instead of punishing yourself, you figure out what you need to do so that you don't do that thing again, the thing you want to punish yourself for doing. You just keep figuring out what you need and finding a way to do it for yourself.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:11 PM on May 23, 2022 [7 favorites]
It could be anything- mastering a skill, making a lot of money, getting a good job, an experience, a book or film that gave you huge insight, a person or group of people, a random event.
I have this problem off and on and I can confidently say that making a lot of money didn't help, getting a good job didn't help, and mastering a variety of skills didn't help. Publishing several best-selling nonfiction books and getting hundreds of emails and in-person comments from people who said my books had been a huge help to them... didn't help.
What does help are the standard tools for dealing with depression: Exercise, sunshine, keeping busy instead of ruminating, doing a checklist of basic self-care, talking about it with a good listener, getting enough sleep, and so on.
Doing some kind of artistic thing - I make music and occasionally paint -- helps too. I have to force myself to do it sometimes. Don't do it for anyone else to appreciate, do it for your self.
posted by mmoncur at 8:54 PM on May 23, 2022 [7 favorites]
I have this problem off and on and I can confidently say that making a lot of money didn't help, getting a good job didn't help, and mastering a variety of skills didn't help. Publishing several best-selling nonfiction books and getting hundreds of emails and in-person comments from people who said my books had been a huge help to them... didn't help.
What does help are the standard tools for dealing with depression: Exercise, sunshine, keeping busy instead of ruminating, doing a checklist of basic self-care, talking about it with a good listener, getting enough sleep, and so on.
Doing some kind of artistic thing - I make music and occasionally paint -- helps too. I have to force myself to do it sometimes. Don't do it for anyone else to appreciate, do it for your self.
posted by mmoncur at 8:54 PM on May 23, 2022 [7 favorites]
Things that have helped me, over time:
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 5:05 AM on May 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
- Chronological distance from rejection by my secondary-school peer group
- Working in Japan and having a whale of a time being out of place for an obvious and perfectly good reason instead of just somehow not fitting in
- Discovering how much I enjoyed exploring new places and finding interesting things to do
- Realising that there were people who actually *liked* me rather than just tolerating me
- Learning to recognise ever more flora and fauna, including identifying birdsong
- Avoiding watching adverts (they present an image of lifestyles, whether glamorous or domestic, that I don't want but can feel inadequate or not properly human for not wanting)
- Personal appearance tweaks: settling on a practical hairstyle and a standard "uniform" of clothes I feel presentable and inconspicuous in; managing my weight (there's a size below which I have noticeably more self-confidence).
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 5:05 AM on May 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
Oh, also, baking for the office, because people are enthusiastic about the result, so I get immediate positive feedback and a warm glow of satisfaction. It's cumulative.
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 5:46 AM on May 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 5:46 AM on May 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
Removing the phrase "I should... " from my self-talk. I forget where I read about this, but essentially when you say "I should..." to yourself, you're basically saying, I don't want to do this, but for *reasons* I should do this, and usually those *reasons* are not particularly convincing or even obvious. Every time you say "I should..." you're comparing yourself to some "idealized" version of yourself that you aren't naturally.
This was really hard to do because I saw just how darn often I said "I should..." (I should go to work. I should do X on the weekend to be more productive. I should want a better job. I should eat less. I should work out more. I should try to be social.) At the beginning, it was mostly constructive to notice how/when I said "I should..."
Over time, I found ways to replace "I should..." with what I really meant. I want the financial benefits that come from going to work. I would like to be productive this weekend because it'll make my next week less stressful. I enjoy my current job, and it's OK to not look for a new one at this time. I want to eat less because I'm not actually hungry and want to lose weight. I would like to be healthier, and working out is one of the ways to be healthier. I find it rewarding to hang out with friends and make new friends.
Now 2 or 3 years later, it is a lot more freeing to not go about my day with a bunch of "I shoulds" weighing me down, and this has also helped me be more conscious of what I value.
posted by ellerhodes at 6:10 AM on May 24, 2022 [7 favorites]
This was really hard to do because I saw just how darn often I said "I should..." (I should go to work. I should do X on the weekend to be more productive. I should want a better job. I should eat less. I should work out more. I should try to be social.) At the beginning, it was mostly constructive to notice how/when I said "I should..."
Over time, I found ways to replace "I should..." with what I really meant. I want the financial benefits that come from going to work. I would like to be productive this weekend because it'll make my next week less stressful. I enjoy my current job, and it's OK to not look for a new one at this time. I want to eat less because I'm not actually hungry and want to lose weight. I would like to be healthier, and working out is one of the ways to be healthier. I find it rewarding to hang out with friends and make new friends.
Now 2 or 3 years later, it is a lot more freeing to not go about my day with a bunch of "I shoulds" weighing me down, and this has also helped me be more conscious of what I value.
posted by ellerhodes at 6:10 AM on May 24, 2022 [7 favorites]
For me it was having a child.
posted by signal at 6:51 AM on May 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by signal at 6:51 AM on May 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
For me it was having a child.
posted by signal
I was just scrolling in the say this same thing.
I had an abusive husband and never thought I deserved more. Until I started having my two sons. They were dependent on me; they looked up to me; they needed my care. I became more in my own eyes. I refused to let them be brought up by an abusive alcoholic, so I took them and left. I never looked back. I DO deserve more; I DO deserve better. I am MORE than my childhood upbringing and a bad marriage.
It took a few years, but I know my own worth now.
posted by annieb at 4:30 PM on May 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by signal
I was just scrolling in the say this same thing.
I had an abusive husband and never thought I deserved more. Until I started having my two sons. They were dependent on me; they looked up to me; they needed my care. I became more in my own eyes. I refused to let them be brought up by an abusive alcoholic, so I took them and left. I never looked back. I DO deserve more; I DO deserve better. I am MORE than my childhood upbringing and a bad marriage.
It took a few years, but I know my own worth now.
posted by annieb at 4:30 PM on May 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
I started by keeping one small promise to myself every day.
- Sometimes all I could manage was going outside.
- Sometimes I felt I couldn't even manage that.
- But I wanted to become a person who could keep promises to myself!
- I would go out and just stand on my balcony.
- That later became doing a walk around the block.
- That soon became 8,500 steps a day.
- After a few weeks, that became 10,000 steps a day.
- Now I am A Person Who Walks.
And a person who keeps promises to myself. I have used this trick to drink water, lose weight, make my bed... all manner of things. It has built my self-confidence and helped me form an identity around healthy and supportive habits.
posted by Juniper Toast at 8:37 PM on May 24, 2022 [4 favorites]
- Sometimes all I could manage was going outside.
- Sometimes I felt I couldn't even manage that.
- But I wanted to become a person who could keep promises to myself!
- I would go out and just stand on my balcony.
- That later became doing a walk around the block.
- That soon became 8,500 steps a day.
- After a few weeks, that became 10,000 steps a day.
- Now I am A Person Who Walks.
And a person who keeps promises to myself. I have used this trick to drink water, lose weight, make my bed... all manner of things. It has built my self-confidence and helped me form an identity around healthy and supportive habits.
posted by Juniper Toast at 8:37 PM on May 24, 2022 [4 favorites]
Getting involved in evaluating and hiring at work has helped a lot, because it helps me keep perspective - I can't browbeat my teammates for making a dumb mistake because then they may not want to work with me any more and the 90% of their work that's good is so necessary that I need to remember to be encouraging. It also means that I'm having to keep a more objective eye on others, though, so when I do make a dumb mistake myself I can step back from "I'm the worst person in this team" and remember that Alice and Bob sent that report to the wrong customer last week and we all just stepped up and dealt with it and what I did isn't somehow worse.
Note this does require being in an environment that I think treats people in an ethical way. If we were browbeating Alice and Bob as useless lackwits for sending that email wrong, I'd be berating myself too, but also it would be a bad environment and not something I want to be part of.
posted by Lady Li at 1:01 AM on May 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
Note this does require being in an environment that I think treats people in an ethical way. If we were browbeating Alice and Bob as useless lackwits for sending that email wrong, I'd be berating myself too, but also it would be a bad environment and not something I want to be part of.
posted by Lady Li at 1:01 AM on May 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
For me, there has been incalculable benefit to finding *practices* that feel good, things that I show up to do *just because they feel satisfying* (which sometimes involves mental or physical challenge, so not “good vibes only”, but where ultimately I feel re-filled, more-myself). For me, practice is not about achieving goals, but about the joy of showing up and experiencing this thing over and over as a way to better understand and encounter myself and the world. For me, these include yoga, walking outside (bonus practice: scoring mutual smiles with dogs and people), gardening, dancing, singing. They help my self-esteem not because I get better over time (which does happen), but because I realize that I would still want to do them *even if I didn’t*. This is a profound experience of worth: these practices have worth to me. They don’t need to earn worth by making me famous or delivering smitten lovers to my door or changing the way my body looks - they are worthy unto themselves. This is a fundamental embodied metaphor for my own worth, and the worth of every human being on the planet.
A lot of people talk about gratitude practice, but I also love admiration practice. Like Lyn Never, it does me universes of good to look around and say, This is great! This tastes delicious what a lovely flower oh the skin on my stomach is so soft and strokable wow that person has a bright smile etc. It’s often easier with outside objects/people, and so there’s a companion practice of saying “that’s all!” afterward, in case my brain wants to follow up by saying, “yeah, but *you* aren’t/can’t/won’t be (as) great”. (Which, if it does, I can hug that part of my brain for trying to protect me from something it’s afraid of and reassure it that we’re actually just walking in the park, and that other person having a beautiful smile doesn’t have anything to do with whether I am loved and valued by the people in my life.)
Last, it’s really important to me to think about who benefits. There is definitely the piece that others have wisely mentioned above that capitalism and politics and patriarchy and white supremacy etc operate on people’s fear - it feels great to engage in self-love as an act of firey rebellion against shitty systems. There is also great value for me in remembering that I gain nothing by thinking I’m a piece of shit. The part of me that feels that way has even tried to convince me to give up this one precious human lifetime I’ve got, to pay ultimate cost. With empathy for that part of my brain, fuck that noise. I am not a better person, I do not make better decisions, I am not of greater service, I do not achieve more by disbelieving my own worth. There is *only* more and better that I can be and do by feeling kind and happy and encouraging to myself.
Sending hugs and care.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 12:21 PM on May 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
A lot of people talk about gratitude practice, but I also love admiration practice. Like Lyn Never, it does me universes of good to look around and say, This is great! This tastes delicious what a lovely flower oh the skin on my stomach is so soft and strokable wow that person has a bright smile etc. It’s often easier with outside objects/people, and so there’s a companion practice of saying “that’s all!” afterward, in case my brain wants to follow up by saying, “yeah, but *you* aren’t/can’t/won’t be (as) great”. (Which, if it does, I can hug that part of my brain for trying to protect me from something it’s afraid of and reassure it that we’re actually just walking in the park, and that other person having a beautiful smile doesn’t have anything to do with whether I am loved and valued by the people in my life.)
Last, it’s really important to me to think about who benefits. There is definitely the piece that others have wisely mentioned above that capitalism and politics and patriarchy and white supremacy etc operate on people’s fear - it feels great to engage in self-love as an act of firey rebellion against shitty systems. There is also great value for me in remembering that I gain nothing by thinking I’m a piece of shit. The part of me that feels that way has even tried to convince me to give up this one precious human lifetime I’ve got, to pay ultimate cost. With empathy for that part of my brain, fuck that noise. I am not a better person, I do not make better decisions, I am not of greater service, I do not achieve more by disbelieving my own worth. There is *only* more and better that I can be and do by feeling kind and happy and encouraging to myself.
Sending hugs and care.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 12:21 PM on May 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
I agree with ManyLeggedCreature — baking really works for me, for friends (or acquaintances you’d like to be friends), or colleagues. Or, frankly, doing anything to help out someone else; something of value, even (perhaps especially?) if it’s low value. Small stakes, small wins, but it’s cumulative. (And if the stakes are low, the occasional miss doesn’t harm too much!)
To go with that, though: believe people, when they appreciate you, when they say the cookies are tasty, when they thank you for dropping them off somewhere, when they tell you how much the chocolates cheered them up, etc. It can be tempting to not take their reactions seriously when you’re in a low place, but that’s really unfair — dehumanising and devaluing — on the other person. They’re either being truthful, or they value you enough to fib/exaggerate, and frankly either of those is a boost to self-worth.
It’s important to get the balance right — don’t just live for other people’s approval — but it helps me climb out of a low place.
posted by breakfast burrito at 3:56 PM on May 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
To go with that, though: believe people, when they appreciate you, when they say the cookies are tasty, when they thank you for dropping them off somewhere, when they tell you how much the chocolates cheered them up, etc. It can be tempting to not take their reactions seriously when you’re in a low place, but that’s really unfair — dehumanising and devaluing — on the other person. They’re either being truthful, or they value you enough to fib/exaggerate, and frankly either of those is a boost to self-worth.
It’s important to get the balance right — don’t just live for other people’s approval — but it helps me climb out of a low place.
posted by breakfast burrito at 3:56 PM on May 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I googled Ask Polly (one of the best advice columnists out there IMO) and self-esteem and here's a curated list of her columns about various aspects of self-esteem and self-worth. Use 12ft.io to get past the paywall. I hope you find one or two that really resonate with you and can think deeply on. Her writing is SO good.
>my sense of self from scratch and I don't know where to start.
Honestly you have to start with you. It is there. I'm reminded of Michaelangelo's quote about carving a sculpture "The sculpture is already complete within the marble block, before I start my work. It is already there, I just have to chisel away the superfluous material." You, and your you-ness are already within you. You have to chisel away the superfluous material to reveal yourself, the stuff and trauma that got piled on top of you as you grew up - which is totally not your fault - and find who you really are. E.g. What is something that you've always believed to be a truest truth (and it's NOT "I'm an awful person, I'm stupid etc." - those are lies), or something that you've always been interested in?*
For me I've always had a strong sense of justice. And this actually came from the trauma I experienced growing up. As in, I knew it was wrong and I couldn't understand why my parents couldn't see it and couldn't stop their shitty behaviour. Things I was interested in - writing, classical music, origami, social justice, the environment. Having interests, knowing that I liked these things also helped defined who I am.
You ask what else to do besides therapy and meds: I read self-help books and I journalled a lot. It helped me identify what I valued about myself (e.g. compassionate, analytical). It was through writing that I realized: I have everything I need within me. I hold the answers that I need. Self-help books were good for getting information on what I experienced, e.g. Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie, and books by Alice Walker. Also learning about trauma, e.g. Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. Going to therapy helped me get it out and to have someone bear witness to my pain, anger, hurt. It helped me realize things about myself. Writing helped me process all of this and realize my own truths.
*Even if there isn't something you've always believed and nothing you've been interested in - what is something that you want to believe now? Maybe it's something like, "I am a capable person." Or "I am a hard worker." Or "I believe being a good person is __." Honestly, make something up that rings sort of true for you, then make it more true for you, similar to what nathaole did. Make it real, bring it to life. Similarly, what, if anything interests you now, that you have even a mild passing interest in? Learn more about it. Do it. Find meetup groups on it. Maybe you try it out and you don't stick with it - that's fine. Then you've learned something about yourself. "I liked doing x because of __. I didn't like it because __."
Another thing about my trauma is that I felt like I had to do Big Things and make Big Changes to have an impact on whatever. Like I had to put huge impressive things on my resume or I had to have awards or I had to say deep profound things around people to matter or be seen or make change or be good enough. I finally realized that I actually don't have to do big splashy things all the time. Little small changes, a moderate amount of effort is SOMETHING. Rome wasn't built in a day. Realizing this made me feel calmer, made me felt like I matter, made me feel like I am having an impact on the people around me. In other words, being gentle. With myself, with others. I say all this because I feel like you might be thinking similarly, like you have to do a one Big Thing to change, to make a difference, to undo your trauma or what have you. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that. Small changes are ok. Maybe it doesn't feel enough to you right now. But small changes, sustained over time, make a difference. Think about an acorn. It doesn't turn into a tree overnight. You have to water it, cultivate it, let it grow slowly and bigger and bigger and and then one day you're like, wow, it's so big now!
Also I want to add what helped me was reading advice columns like Ask Polly, and also Captain Awkward and Dear Sugar. They really helped me to understand more about what people are about. Captain Awkward is great for learning about boundaries, which also helps my sense of self and self-esteem.
Anyway, I hope this has helped.
posted by foxjacket at 6:00 PM on May 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
>my sense of self from scratch and I don't know where to start.
Honestly you have to start with you. It is there. I'm reminded of Michaelangelo's quote about carving a sculpture "The sculpture is already complete within the marble block, before I start my work. It is already there, I just have to chisel away the superfluous material." You, and your you-ness are already within you. You have to chisel away the superfluous material to reveal yourself, the stuff and trauma that got piled on top of you as you grew up - which is totally not your fault - and find who you really are. E.g. What is something that you've always believed to be a truest truth (and it's NOT "I'm an awful person, I'm stupid etc." - those are lies), or something that you've always been interested in?*
For me I've always had a strong sense of justice. And this actually came from the trauma I experienced growing up. As in, I knew it was wrong and I couldn't understand why my parents couldn't see it and couldn't stop their shitty behaviour. Things I was interested in - writing, classical music, origami, social justice, the environment. Having interests, knowing that I liked these things also helped defined who I am.
You ask what else to do besides therapy and meds: I read self-help books and I journalled a lot. It helped me identify what I valued about myself (e.g. compassionate, analytical). It was through writing that I realized: I have everything I need within me. I hold the answers that I need. Self-help books were good for getting information on what I experienced, e.g. Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie, and books by Alice Walker. Also learning about trauma, e.g. Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. Going to therapy helped me get it out and to have someone bear witness to my pain, anger, hurt. It helped me realize things about myself. Writing helped me process all of this and realize my own truths.
*Even if there isn't something you've always believed and nothing you've been interested in - what is something that you want to believe now? Maybe it's something like, "I am a capable person." Or "I am a hard worker." Or "I believe being a good person is __." Honestly, make something up that rings sort of true for you, then make it more true for you, similar to what nathaole did. Make it real, bring it to life. Similarly, what, if anything interests you now, that you have even a mild passing interest in? Learn more about it. Do it. Find meetup groups on it. Maybe you try it out and you don't stick with it - that's fine. Then you've learned something about yourself. "I liked doing x because of __. I didn't like it because __."
Another thing about my trauma is that I felt like I had to do Big Things and make Big Changes to have an impact on whatever. Like I had to put huge impressive things on my resume or I had to have awards or I had to say deep profound things around people to matter or be seen or make change or be good enough. I finally realized that I actually don't have to do big splashy things all the time. Little small changes, a moderate amount of effort is SOMETHING. Rome wasn't built in a day. Realizing this made me feel calmer, made me felt like I matter, made me feel like I am having an impact on the people around me. In other words, being gentle. With myself, with others. I say all this because I feel like you might be thinking similarly, like you have to do a one Big Thing to change, to make a difference, to undo your trauma or what have you. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that. Small changes are ok. Maybe it doesn't feel enough to you right now. But small changes, sustained over time, make a difference. Think about an acorn. It doesn't turn into a tree overnight. You have to water it, cultivate it, let it grow slowly and bigger and bigger and and then one day you're like, wow, it's so big now!
Also I want to add what helped me was reading advice columns like Ask Polly, and also Captain Awkward and Dear Sugar. They really helped me to understand more about what people are about. Captain Awkward is great for learning about boundaries, which also helps my sense of self and self-esteem.
Anyway, I hope this has helped.
posted by foxjacket at 6:00 PM on May 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
At the end of every day, tell yourself out loud everything you did successfully. Include small daily things that you tend to take for granted, like acquiring and eating food, bathing, etc. Give totals credit for everything!!
We tend to focus on the negative and how we don’t live up to imaginary standards, and this practice can help to give us a more balanced view of ourselves. It made a world of difference for me!! Every win is a win.
posted by spindrifter at 4:51 AM on May 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
We tend to focus on the negative and how we don’t live up to imaginary standards, and this practice can help to give us a more balanced view of ourselves. It made a world of difference for me!! Every win is a win.
posted by spindrifter at 4:51 AM on May 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
*sorry I meant books by Alice Miller, not Alice Walker. (Although Walker is great too) I've read the Untouched Key and the more well-known Drama of the Gifted Child.
Basically my point is to find things that give you joy and where you can feel a little bit free from all the crap that's going on. Biking is another good one for me. I've never been diagnosed with depression and I don't know a lot about it but from what I understand with depression you lose interest in the things that give you joy.
I'm reminded of James Weiss, aka Jam's germs on Instagram. I think he had depression as well and one day started looking at microbes under his microscope and he found a lot of joy with that. https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/56570539-the-hidden-beauty-of-the-microcosmos You don't have to look at microbes, but the point is to find stuff you enjoy and see how you feel and what you can learn about yourself in the process. That will help you learn who you are, and build your sense of self and self-esteem.
Also I noticed a change in me when I separated from my ex. Finally, I did something FOR ME. That definitely helped build my confidence.
posted by foxjacket at 7:46 AM on May 26, 2022
Basically my point is to find things that give you joy and where you can feel a little bit free from all the crap that's going on. Biking is another good one for me. I've never been diagnosed with depression and I don't know a lot about it but from what I understand with depression you lose interest in the things that give you joy.
I'm reminded of James Weiss, aka Jam's germs on Instagram. I think he had depression as well and one day started looking at microbes under his microscope and he found a lot of joy with that. https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/56570539-the-hidden-beauty-of-the-microcosmos You don't have to look at microbes, but the point is to find stuff you enjoy and see how you feel and what you can learn about yourself in the process. That will help you learn who you are, and build your sense of self and self-esteem.
Also I noticed a change in me when I separated from my ex. Finally, I did something FOR ME. That definitely helped build my confidence.
posted by foxjacket at 7:46 AM on May 26, 2022
Me again. Forgot to add that you are not your trauma, you are not your mental illnesses, you are not your job. You are not defined by those things. I know this is hard to believe and unlearn, especially if you grew up in a family that defined who you were, your value and worthiness by your achievements.
Also, found another great Ask Polly quote for you to chew on:
"The irony is that when you work too hard to improve yourself every day, you slowly start to feel stuck and anxious and angry at yourself... Believing that a good life is a constant upward trajectory, like a rocket ship to the stars, isn’t good for you. It’s unrealistic. It leeches the joy out of your life to think that way."
posted by foxjacket at 3:23 PM on May 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
Also, found another great Ask Polly quote for you to chew on:
"The irony is that when you work too hard to improve yourself every day, you slowly start to feel stuck and anxious and angry at yourself... Believing that a good life is a constant upward trajectory, like a rocket ship to the stars, isn’t good for you. It’s unrealistic. It leeches the joy out of your life to think that way."
posted by foxjacket at 3:23 PM on May 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
This may not be a helpful answer, but it is a truthful one. I got older. As I got older, the amount of fucks I gave decreased. Because a lot of my low self-esteem was a result of what I saw as the low opinion of others (but was likely just me projecting), as I gradually stopped caring what others thought, my self-esteem increased. I don't care that I don't live up to some standard that others place on me. I am living my life, and I'm doing the things that are best for me, not for others. For me, the judgment of others, real or imagined, was breaking me. I have slowly put myself back together by casting off the judgement, and just, well, liking myself.
posted by BeBoth at 8:16 AM on May 27, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by BeBoth at 8:16 AM on May 27, 2022 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 11:44 AM on May 23, 2022 [2 favorites]