Confidence: How to fake it when you don't have it
September 30, 2015 10:30 AM Subscribe
How does someone with medium to low level confidence not come across as such?
Asking for a friend:
"I am a mid-20s male working in a very charged and competitive industry. I am told that I am good at what I do and people come to me for guidance often. My boss is generally happy with me, and while it can be stressful, I seem to get the job done. However, I lack the inner confidence that I am actually good at my job and that drives me to be a hardcore perfectionist. I take triple the time than other people to obsessively prepare for phone calls, meetings and presentations. I stress over every minute detail for fear of missing something. I constantly worry that I don't know enough about a subject or issue and people won't take me seriously. Hence the extra research and preparation. From phone calls to important presentations, I'd usually write out exactly what I need to say and learn it. As you can see this leaves little room for changes or improvisations, and sometimes creates awkward problems.
I also speak slowly. I feel that my brain works pretty slow and that is reflected in my speech. I take a lot of pauses, say a lot of ahh/umm that I come across as unsure or unprepared. If I try to speak fast I would stutter and stumble, even when I know what I want to say. When asked a question, I take a bit of time to even process the question before I can think of an answer. I lack the ability to speak fluently and come up with answers and solutions on the spot. I read slowly too, but so far I don't think that has caused me any issues at work.
This confidence/speech thing also happens outside of work. I'm not very witty in conversations, although I do crack the odd joke or two. Usually I'll ruminate conversations after they happen and think I should have said this or that to make it more interesting. Or in discussions, I tend to be silent even when I wanted to voice my opinion. It's like my brain can't form sentences fast enough or adequately enough to express my ideas. I worry that it makes me appear more dull than I really am.
Since for me confidence isn't inherent, I guess I have to basically fake it till I make it. Namely in how I speak. Like, how do I use my slow speech to my advantage? What tactics can I use to come across as attentive or mindful, instead of uncertain. Is that even possible? How do I overcome the mental block of expressing myself or an idea? Also any general advice on how to appear more confident in non-romantic settings would be very much appreciated.
I also highly welcome article, blog and book recommendations. Many thanks!
PS. I am already in therapy for other related issues, so it's a work in progress."
Asking for a friend:
"I am a mid-20s male working in a very charged and competitive industry. I am told that I am good at what I do and people come to me for guidance often. My boss is generally happy with me, and while it can be stressful, I seem to get the job done. However, I lack the inner confidence that I am actually good at my job and that drives me to be a hardcore perfectionist. I take triple the time than other people to obsessively prepare for phone calls, meetings and presentations. I stress over every minute detail for fear of missing something. I constantly worry that I don't know enough about a subject or issue and people won't take me seriously. Hence the extra research and preparation. From phone calls to important presentations, I'd usually write out exactly what I need to say and learn it. As you can see this leaves little room for changes or improvisations, and sometimes creates awkward problems.
I also speak slowly. I feel that my brain works pretty slow and that is reflected in my speech. I take a lot of pauses, say a lot of ahh/umm that I come across as unsure or unprepared. If I try to speak fast I would stutter and stumble, even when I know what I want to say. When asked a question, I take a bit of time to even process the question before I can think of an answer. I lack the ability to speak fluently and come up with answers and solutions on the spot. I read slowly too, but so far I don't think that has caused me any issues at work.
This confidence/speech thing also happens outside of work. I'm not very witty in conversations, although I do crack the odd joke or two. Usually I'll ruminate conversations after they happen and think I should have said this or that to make it more interesting. Or in discussions, I tend to be silent even when I wanted to voice my opinion. It's like my brain can't form sentences fast enough or adequately enough to express my ideas. I worry that it makes me appear more dull than I really am.
Since for me confidence isn't inherent, I guess I have to basically fake it till I make it. Namely in how I speak. Like, how do I use my slow speech to my advantage? What tactics can I use to come across as attentive or mindful, instead of uncertain. Is that even possible? How do I overcome the mental block of expressing myself or an idea? Also any general advice on how to appear more confident in non-romantic settings would be very much appreciated.
I also highly welcome article, blog and book recommendations. Many thanks!
PS. I am already in therapy for other related issues, so it's a work in progress."
Since for me confidence isn't inherent, I guess I have to basically fake it till I make it. Namely in how I speak. Like, how do I use my slow speech to my advantage? What tactics can I use to come across as attentive or mindful, instead of uncertain.
One very small thing: If you don't know something or need time to think about something, just say that. A simple "I don't know the answer to that, but I will figure it out and get back to you" or "I would have to have some time to think about that." There's nothing I find more annoying than people who will try and pretend like they know the answer or talk around it. I really respect people who aren't afraid of admitting that they don't know something. The catch to this of course, is you definitely need to follow-up.
Additionally, depending on the culture and what kind of meeting it is, I often find it helpful to just think aloud. Just going "We'll, lets think about this. Our goal is X. To achieve this we'll have to account for A, B, C. The main issue comes in with the fact that A doesn't interact with B. One possible solution would be to just skip B, but really a better solution might be..." Not only does it help me get all of my facts in the row, but it shows my knowledge and generally gives me more confidence by just taking control of the situation/conversation.
posted by mayonnaises at 11:42 AM on September 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
One very small thing: If you don't know something or need time to think about something, just say that. A simple "I don't know the answer to that, but I will figure it out and get back to you" or "I would have to have some time to think about that." There's nothing I find more annoying than people who will try and pretend like they know the answer or talk around it. I really respect people who aren't afraid of admitting that they don't know something. The catch to this of course, is you definitely need to follow-up.
Additionally, depending on the culture and what kind of meeting it is, I often find it helpful to just think aloud. Just going "We'll, lets think about this. Our goal is X. To achieve this we'll have to account for A, B, C. The main issue comes in with the fact that A doesn't interact with B. One possible solution would be to just skip B, but really a better solution might be..." Not only does it help me get all of my facts in the row, but it shows my knowledge and generally gives me more confidence by just taking control of the situation/conversation.
posted by mayonnaises at 11:42 AM on September 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
What tactics can I use to come across as attentive or mindful, instead of uncertain.
For some people it works to frontload the indecision and umms and ahhs into a period of contemplation and collecting thoughts before speaking, so when you start to speak, you now know what you want to say and aren't trying to think and talk at the same time. While collecting those thoughts, projecting the comfortable silence of thoughtfulness is obviously better than projecting the panic of a deer in the headlights. To help in that regard, a silence generally won't be an "uncomfortable silence" unless you make it one - if you are comfortable with contemplating before speaking, the other person will read that and be comfortable themselves. If you are uncomfortable, the other person will read that and think some unknown thing must be wrong and be uncomfortable.
To help in that regard, just remember that a thoughtful pause before responding to someone is something that people generally react very positively to. It is the opposite of cutting someone off - it is a clear sign of giving them full due and genuine consideration, and can make a positive and lasting impression. So it's ok to pause, so you can be comfortable doing that.
It sounds like you're at least reasonably competent, and perhaps some of the competence comes from your lack of confidence (you double check yourself, etc). If you want to turn that competence into genuine confidence, an effective method is ordeal. Some people set off to travel with few assets beyond their wits, some people do survival courses, some people do military training, some people have to take the reins during family tragedy, some people emigrate, whatever lands you in situations you haven't been in before where shit is constantly not going to plan and you have to adapt to that. Then whatever happens you deal with it (because you have no choice - and if you fail to deal with it, you end up in a worse situation and then you deal with that and move on), and all the time that this is happening, deep down in your brain something is learning "Whatever happens I can handle it. When things get tough, I can trust me to fix it. When something needs doing, I'll be able to do it" and you get much more relaxed about things because you know that whatever happens, you can handle it.
When young people with no money travel the world (eg 6-18 months of odd-jobs in foreign places), they often leave as timid kids and return as James Bond. The transformation is amazing.
posted by anonymisc at 11:59 AM on September 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
For some people it works to frontload the indecision and umms and ahhs into a period of contemplation and collecting thoughts before speaking, so when you start to speak, you now know what you want to say and aren't trying to think and talk at the same time. While collecting those thoughts, projecting the comfortable silence of thoughtfulness is obviously better than projecting the panic of a deer in the headlights. To help in that regard, a silence generally won't be an "uncomfortable silence" unless you make it one - if you are comfortable with contemplating before speaking, the other person will read that and be comfortable themselves. If you are uncomfortable, the other person will read that and think some unknown thing must be wrong and be uncomfortable.
To help in that regard, just remember that a thoughtful pause before responding to someone is something that people generally react very positively to. It is the opposite of cutting someone off - it is a clear sign of giving them full due and genuine consideration, and can make a positive and lasting impression. So it's ok to pause, so you can be comfortable doing that.
It sounds like you're at least reasonably competent, and perhaps some of the competence comes from your lack of confidence (you double check yourself, etc). If you want to turn that competence into genuine confidence, an effective method is ordeal. Some people set off to travel with few assets beyond their wits, some people do survival courses, some people do military training, some people have to take the reins during family tragedy, some people emigrate, whatever lands you in situations you haven't been in before where shit is constantly not going to plan and you have to adapt to that. Then whatever happens you deal with it (because you have no choice - and if you fail to deal with it, you end up in a worse situation and then you deal with that and move on), and all the time that this is happening, deep down in your brain something is learning "Whatever happens I can handle it. When things get tough, I can trust me to fix it. When something needs doing, I'll be able to do it" and you get much more relaxed about things because you know that whatever happens, you can handle it.
When young people with no money travel the world (eg 6-18 months of odd-jobs in foreign places), they often leave as timid kids and return as James Bond. The transformation is amazing.
posted by anonymisc at 11:59 AM on September 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
There's a biophysical component here that's hard to override. If I find myself ruminating on an email, for instance, it's very hard to force myself into a more happy-go-lucky "it probably doesn't matter! Just say anything!" headspace. I try to toggle between tasks when that's going on ("okay, what project would benefit from this anxious hyperfocus?"). Or, if I can, I take a break. Sometimes, a lack of food or specifically protein is the issue. And if i regularly get good exercise and sleep, and keep the caffeine down, it happens much less. (The perfect storm is the end of a long workday when I'm hungry and tired but just had a third cup of coffee. The only way to avoid spending hours on an email then is to just go home for the evening!) But I'm interested in tips about how others handle this in the moment, too -- good question!
posted by salvia at 3:42 PM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 3:42 PM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I teach exactly these skills. This prior comment may be helpful.
how do I use my slow speech to my advantage?
Easy. Start by recognizing that it is an advantage. As long as you maintain ordinary variation in tone, volume and emphasis, you can speak. as slowly. as is natural. to you.
In fact, the most noticeable way to emphasize a point for many people is to simply. slow down. when making. the crucial point.
posted by ferdydurke at 6:15 PM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
how do I use my slow speech to my advantage?
Easy. Start by recognizing that it is an advantage. As long as you maintain ordinary variation in tone, volume and emphasis, you can speak. as slowly. as is natural. to you.
In fact, the most noticeable way to emphasize a point for many people is to simply. slow down. when making. the crucial point.
posted by ferdydurke at 6:15 PM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Definitely watch the TED video that missjenny linked to above. Here it is on Youtube. Watch the whole thing.
posted by intermod at 6:46 PM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by intermod at 6:46 PM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Great question! A couple of thoughts.
Some scientific findings in this book, Give and Take, may reassure you: a softer approach that includes a bit of hesitation has been shown to be more effective than a super buttoned-up ultra-confident approach. Your happy boss and appreciative colleagues are probably that way for a reason!
Two other things that help me:
1/ Ask a colleague. "Hey can you make sure the tone of this email sounds okay?" is a 5 minute totally non-emotional investment for them and saves you 20 minutes of ruminating. Unclear expectations also set me spinning. "Any follow-ups you need from me?" as you're leaving a meeting or, "Do you need me to prepare anything for the meeting tomorrow?" to your boss also could save you a ton of anguish/prep. That way you don't have to prepare for the worst, just the exact thing that's being asked of you.
2/ To salvia's point, the biophysical reality of your body matters. For me, running cures perfectionist nonsense like no other. Perhaps it exhausts me just enough to not care quite so much. After hard cardio session of any kind, priorities seem to neatly slide into place.
And to answer your question more directly (how to get it vs how to fake it): costuming matters! There's a reason folks who work from home are advised to "dress for the office" anyway. Pay attention when you're getting dressed in the morning. Forget the normal filters of flattering/brings out your eyes/etc. What makes you feel confident and powerful? Wearing black? A sharp haircut? Shoes that make you just the tiniest bit taller? You're a dude and I'm a lady, but it made a difference for me to stop thinking *pretty* and start thinking *strong & competent.* Being very neat in my appearance helps for some reason.
Is there a way to re-frame the way you talk to yourself less as "be sure you're coming off competent! be sure you're appearing prepared!" and more to "I don't give a fuckkkkkk?"
You know what the real "fake it till you make it" is? It's not actually faking how good you are. It's faking how much you *care* about how good you are. Loosening those reins on how much you care is what gives you a little more room for taking risks, and failing, and asking for help. The confident person doesn't have all the answers, doesn't feel shy asking a question, doesn't mind how slowly they're talking. They DGAF.
posted by red_rabbit at 11:34 PM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Some scientific findings in this book, Give and Take, may reassure you: a softer approach that includes a bit of hesitation has been shown to be more effective than a super buttoned-up ultra-confident approach. Your happy boss and appreciative colleagues are probably that way for a reason!
Two other things that help me:
1/ Ask a colleague. "Hey can you make sure the tone of this email sounds okay?" is a 5 minute totally non-emotional investment for them and saves you 20 minutes of ruminating. Unclear expectations also set me spinning. "Any follow-ups you need from me?" as you're leaving a meeting or, "Do you need me to prepare anything for the meeting tomorrow?" to your boss also could save you a ton of anguish/prep. That way you don't have to prepare for the worst, just the exact thing that's being asked of you.
2/ To salvia's point, the biophysical reality of your body matters. For me, running cures perfectionist nonsense like no other. Perhaps it exhausts me just enough to not care quite so much. After hard cardio session of any kind, priorities seem to neatly slide into place.
And to answer your question more directly (how to get it vs how to fake it): costuming matters! There's a reason folks who work from home are advised to "dress for the office" anyway. Pay attention when you're getting dressed in the morning. Forget the normal filters of flattering/brings out your eyes/etc. What makes you feel confident and powerful? Wearing black? A sharp haircut? Shoes that make you just the tiniest bit taller? You're a dude and I'm a lady, but it made a difference for me to stop thinking *pretty* and start thinking *strong & competent.* Being very neat in my appearance helps for some reason.
Is there a way to re-frame the way you talk to yourself less as "be sure you're coming off competent! be sure you're appearing prepared!" and more to "I don't give a fuckkkkkk?"
You know what the real "fake it till you make it" is? It's not actually faking how good you are. It's faking how much you *care* about how good you are. Loosening those reins on how much you care is what gives you a little more room for taking risks, and failing, and asking for help. The confident person doesn't have all the answers, doesn't feel shy asking a question, doesn't mind how slowly they're talking. They DGAF.
posted by red_rabbit at 11:34 PM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would consider joining Toastmaster, or an improv class, or something similar.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:27 AM on October 1, 2015
posted by DarlingBri at 3:27 AM on October 1, 2015
One thing you can do at work - you say your boss is pleased with your performance but that you take 3 time as long to prepare. It might be a good idea to experimant to see if that time is really needed or not.
Next time you need to prepare something, consciously shorten that prep time. Set a timer, or don't do your fifth revision, or whatever it would take in your case to not spend so much time.
Do that for a few weeks and then reassess how you think your boss would evaluate your work during that time. Does it meet his expectations? If yes, then you know for a fact that you are overworking things and you can slack up. If not, then at least you know that in order to produce good work, you really do need to spend lots more time, and as long as your boss is ok with that, then you are good to go.
posted by CathyG at 11:32 AM on October 1, 2015
Next time you need to prepare something, consciously shorten that prep time. Set a timer, or don't do your fifth revision, or whatever it would take in your case to not spend so much time.
Do that for a few weeks and then reassess how you think your boss would evaluate your work during that time. Does it meet his expectations? If yes, then you know for a fact that you are overworking things and you can slack up. If not, then at least you know that in order to produce good work, you really do need to spend lots more time, and as long as your boss is ok with that, then you are good to go.
posted by CathyG at 11:32 AM on October 1, 2015
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Deep breathing exercises are great. I learned mine from voice teachers, but just google "deep breathing exercises" and you'll find no end of good ones. Basically you want to breathe slowly, from low in your belly, filling up all the way around.
It sounds clichéd, but make eye contact. Tipping your head slightly to one side while you;re listening makes it look like you're interested.
If you know you need a minute to think before answering a question (and I know I often do!) have a few stock delaying phrases handy. "Now, that's a really interesting question. I've never really given much thought to that before."
Usually I'll ruminate conversations after they happen and think I should have said this or that to make it more interesting.
Oh, yes. I still sometimes worry about what I should have said to Mike I. in May of '93 because I think he may have been trying to ask me out, but I'll never know for sure. I still sometimes get emails it takes me a day or so to answer. The anxiety may never go away, but it can get better!
The ruminating isn't necessarily a bad thing if you use it as a tool. If you figure out what you wish you'd said when X asked you about Y, you'll know what to say when Z asks you about it.
A great walk is a good confidence booster in general, too. I guess we women have it a big luckier when it comes to celebrity struts to emulate. Watch male models on the catwalk and imitate their posture and stride. Lead with your chest; pretend like there's a string attached to it and somebody's pulling you around by it. Runway walk video
Finally, I still sometimes need a Propranolol before an important meeting or audition. When you google "propranolol," google automatically fills in "public speaking." My doctor had no hesitation about prescribing it on an "as needed" basis. I find I need it less and less over the years.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:16 AM on September 30, 2015 [2 favorites]