How do I dig out my father from mail overload?
May 20, 2022 6:46 AM Subscribe
Aging father (80s) gets no fewer than 25 pieces of mail daily. He is overwhelmed by this as he feels the need to seriously read everything. And donate money he does not have. More inside.
I have put him on many of the no junk mail types of lists which has not helped much for junk mail. Also tons of it seems to relate to places he has donated in the past, and there are lots of them. He does not have the money for this in the first place. He says he only sends $5 or $10 but this means there are so many. Tons of political type places, anything with veterans, animals, kids, environment, cancer, publishers clearing house etc and they are multiplying. Since he has donated, I think they are not covered by the junk mail. After a recent surgery/recovery, he had two large boxes at the post office and spent two weeks reading it all! He has also been getting scammed and having debit card fraud. I am trying to step in and help but he hates this. He definitely has diminished decision making skills which we are trying to address as well. He recently saw things on tv and made poor decisions based on it because "it was on tv so it must be true/better". What are sources to help with the mail issue and any other things to help with rational thought decline? I am getting added to bank accounts to monitor things and trying to get a durable power of attorney.
I have put him on many of the no junk mail types of lists which has not helped much for junk mail. Also tons of it seems to relate to places he has donated in the past, and there are lots of them. He does not have the money for this in the first place. He says he only sends $5 or $10 but this means there are so many. Tons of political type places, anything with veterans, animals, kids, environment, cancer, publishers clearing house etc and they are multiplying. Since he has donated, I think they are not covered by the junk mail. After a recent surgery/recovery, he had two large boxes at the post office and spent two weeks reading it all! He has also been getting scammed and having debit card fraud. I am trying to step in and help but he hates this. He definitely has diminished decision making skills which we are trying to address as well. He recently saw things on tv and made poor decisions based on it because "it was on tv so it must be true/better". What are sources to help with the mail issue and any other things to help with rational thought decline? I am getting added to bank accounts to monitor things and trying to get a durable power of attorney.
You need to contact the organizations directly to get removed from the mailing lists, but it's a temporary solution - when they share/sell contact lists, if he keeps giving to them and especially giving in response to mail solicitations he will keep getting his name shared as a live/good contact.
What others I know have done is said "oh, we don't give through the mail, we prefer to plan our charitable giving rather than be reactive to whoever is spending the most on mailings". But that's a lifelong policy and easier to stick to that way. I know my grandpa complained and complained about the junk mail and kept sending them checks, so, in the end we just had to say it seemed to be something he just enjoyed complaining about. It can be nice to feel important.
posted by Lady Li at 7:00 AM on May 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
What others I know have done is said "oh, we don't give through the mail, we prefer to plan our charitable giving rather than be reactive to whoever is spending the most on mailings". But that's a lifelong policy and easier to stick to that way. I know my grandpa complained and complained about the junk mail and kept sending them checks, so, in the end we just had to say it seemed to be something he just enjoyed complaining about. It can be nice to feel important.
posted by Lady Li at 7:00 AM on May 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
Sorry, I addressed the small topic and not the big one. I don't have any advice for the big issue of decline and judgment except what you're doing, but I want to acknowledge it.
posted by Lady Li at 7:02 AM on May 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Lady Li at 7:02 AM on May 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
The mail issue can't be solved by making it stop altogether; the address is out there getting sold and resold. I think this one you have to solve at the personal level by having someone go through his mail either before he does, or with him, to weed out the fundraising stuff. Part of that could be a charitable donation plan for him; would he be okay with having planned giving for X and Y charities, set up to automatically draw five bucks a month, or that he knows he sits down on the first of the month and writes a check, and that's it, no one-off giving? Maybe not, but if so, that might be a way for him to frame it to himself - there's a giving plan, he doesn't have to think about donations outside the plan, maybe once a year you sit down together and decide if the plan still aligns with his budget and concerns or if he wants to shift his giving to other organizations.
The bigger issue does sound like you need to, and are, taking some steps to address the overall cognitive decline. i don't have the expertise here to guide you but that sounds like the expertise I'd be seeking in your shoes. And to whatever extent your dad will talk to you about this stuff, I'd make it a priority to find out his wishes about things like aging in place, what sort of care and help he'd like, etc., while the decline is fairly early on. You may not be able to accommodate all his wishes as he needs more help but at least you'll know what his best-case scenario would be and can try to provide some version of it if feasible.
posted by Stacey at 7:35 AM on May 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
The bigger issue does sound like you need to, and are, taking some steps to address the overall cognitive decline. i don't have the expertise here to guide you but that sounds like the expertise I'd be seeking in your shoes. And to whatever extent your dad will talk to you about this stuff, I'd make it a priority to find out his wishes about things like aging in place, what sort of care and help he'd like, etc., while the decline is fairly early on. You may not be able to accommodate all his wishes as he needs more help but at least you'll know what his best-case scenario would be and can try to provide some version of it if feasible.
posted by Stacey at 7:35 AM on May 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
There's an app called PaperKarma that helps unsubscribe from some mailing lists. It's not 100% effective but basically you take a picture of a piece of junk mail and they do the rest. Along with the no junk mail lists, it might reduce the volume over time.
posted by metasarah at 7:37 AM on May 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by metasarah at 7:37 AM on May 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
The mail issue and the cognitive decline issue are completely separate problems with different solutions. I have, unfortunately, no help to give with the latter.
I posted a few years ago about eliminating junk mail as a hobby. The advice still stands, and we only get one or two pieces of mail a day, if that (mostly political mailers).
If he's getting that much, it may take a couple months to get out of the hole, but it is doable.
posted by furnace.heart at 7:42 AM on May 20, 2022 [15 favorites]
I posted a few years ago about eliminating junk mail as a hobby. The advice still stands, and we only get one or two pieces of mail a day, if that (mostly political mailers).
If he's getting that much, it may take a couple months to get out of the hole, but it is doable.
posted by furnace.heart at 7:42 AM on May 20, 2022 [15 favorites]
For the mail issue, ask him if it's ok for you to monitor his incoming mail with using USPS Informed Delivery. The service will send you an email of his incoming mail (it's scanned images of the outside of envelopes). Anytime a new piece of junk mail is incoming, contact the organization and unsubscribe him. I use Catalog Choice to keep track of this and it's been pretty effective, but it can be tedious.
Follow furnace.heart's suggestions above! It works!
Do a free credit freeze at all three credit bureaus (be careful not to accidentally sign up for their paid credit monitor service).
Switch him from using his debit card to a credit card, which offers more protection. Call the issuing bank and have them switch his debit card to an ATM card. He can still get cash with the ATM card, but he'll have to use the credit card for payments.
Some cell phone providers screen spam calls, check if you can turn that service on for him. For all credit card companies and bank accounts, check if you can turn on the privacy options for him. Turn on 2FA for everything, but make sure he knows how to use it and to never give the code to anyone.
If he's ok with it, you can also monitor his email. For gmail, you can turn on delegate access for yourself on his account. Keep a template or draft email ready for anytime he donates to a new place. Follow up on any donation receipt, and send an email asking the organization not to share his contact information or send any mail.
posted by hooray at 8:51 AM on May 20, 2022 [9 favorites]
Follow furnace.heart's suggestions above! It works!
Do a free credit freeze at all three credit bureaus (be careful not to accidentally sign up for their paid credit monitor service).
Switch him from using his debit card to a credit card, which offers more protection. Call the issuing bank and have them switch his debit card to an ATM card. He can still get cash with the ATM card, but he'll have to use the credit card for payments.
Some cell phone providers screen spam calls, check if you can turn that service on for him. For all credit card companies and bank accounts, check if you can turn on the privacy options for him. Turn on 2FA for everything, but make sure he knows how to use it and to never give the code to anyone.
If he's ok with it, you can also monitor his email. For gmail, you can turn on delegate access for yourself on his account. Keep a template or draft email ready for anytime he donates to a new place. Follow up on any donation receipt, and send an email asking the organization not to share his contact information or send any mail.
posted by hooray at 8:51 AM on May 20, 2022 [9 favorites]
You can send the charity mail back with a note. There’s usually a pre-paid envelope in the mailer, you can use that. Use the language “do not solicit, under POA.” Nothing fancy and straight to the point. You may get a couple of straggler mailings because direct mail like this is prepared months in advance so the update mailing codes won’t take effect immediately.
posted by pumpkinlatte at 8:58 AM on May 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by pumpkinlatte at 8:58 AM on May 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
Can he change his email address? EG from Gmail to yahoo or similar? Then just send a change of address email to those he needs to stay in touch with?
posted by Enid Lareg at 8:59 AM on May 20, 2022
posted by Enid Lareg at 8:59 AM on May 20, 2022
A more nuclear option, with his consent and depending on your bandwidth, would be to have everything forwarded to you, you sort, and then you send on anything that he needs. This might have to be temporary (not sure what your options are in the States) but we did this briefly with a relative and it worked well. It was a lot of work and we were not that far away geographically.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:59 AM on May 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 8:59 AM on May 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
Not remotely an answer, but instead one other unfortunate factor to think about: his ability to handle solicitation phone calls and phone scams.
I am sorry you're dealing with this. Is there any chance you could work with him on setting a budget, so he has (say) six physical $5 checks a month (with recipient unspecified) he can give away, but no more - and if he runs out he needs to wait until next month? And if he complains you remind him that's the budget he can afford?
One other thing: is it possible he actually enjoys reading all this material, that it makes him feel like he's still in demand or still doing something valuable with his day? Does he have other activities that interest him?
I am trying to step in and help but he hates this.
What specifically does he hate? If it's the feeling that control is being taken away from him, then it might help to try to frame everything you can in terms of "what do you think about this", "what would you like to do about this," "tell me how I should do this", and so on -- or experiment until you find whatever approach it is that lets him feel more comfortable letting go and leaving more things to you, because that might become more and more necessary over time.
posted by trig at 9:00 AM on May 20, 2022 [3 favorites]
I am sorry you're dealing with this. Is there any chance you could work with him on setting a budget, so he has (say) six physical $5 checks a month (with recipient unspecified) he can give away, but no more - and if he runs out he needs to wait until next month? And if he complains you remind him that's the budget he can afford?
One other thing: is it possible he actually enjoys reading all this material, that it makes him feel like he's still in demand or still doing something valuable with his day? Does he have other activities that interest him?
I am trying to step in and help but he hates this.
What specifically does he hate? If it's the feeling that control is being taken away from him, then it might help to try to frame everything you can in terms of "what do you think about this", "what would you like to do about this," "tell me how I should do this", and so on -- or experiment until you find whatever approach it is that lets him feel more comfortable letting go and leaving more things to you, because that might become more and more necessary over time.
posted by trig at 9:00 AM on May 20, 2022 [3 favorites]
Discuss with him that every small donation generates many more mailings, and propose a strategy of choosing 3 - 5 organizations to support. Small donations mean the donor's info gets bought and sold and never really generate much true benefit because orgs are buying names; he's mostly funding the fundraisers. Praise his desire to do good, but definitely use their postpaid envelopes to ask to be removed from lists. Yes, they are not bound by junk mail lists because they have a relationship.
Does he have or need a housekeeper who would work with you? It's subversion, but might be effective.
At some point, you will probably need to consider some form of legal authority to manage his affairs for him. I'm an old person and it's tragic that non-profits prey on generous-minded geezers, but they do in many cases.
Also, he's probably bored and giving money is a nice pastime. Maybe get him crossword magazine subscriptions or a switch with animal crossing or something. Because he's probably also lonely.
posted by theora55 at 9:35 AM on May 20, 2022
Does he have or need a housekeeper who would work with you? It's subversion, but might be effective.
At some point, you will probably need to consider some form of legal authority to manage his affairs for him. I'm an old person and it's tragic that non-profits prey on generous-minded geezers, but they do in many cases.
Also, he's probably bored and giving money is a nice pastime. Maybe get him crossword magazine subscriptions or a switch with animal crossing or something. Because he's probably also lonely.
posted by theora55 at 9:35 AM on May 20, 2022
It seems to me that he wants to read all his mail. The bulk of the mail he gets is junk and solicitations. Need to change the mix of mail he gets. I agree he is probably a little lonely. He probably sees reading all his mail as his "job". Replace that job with another or replace the mails with something he could rather read. Does he have any grandchildren? Have them write letters often. You write letters to him. Then ask him to prioritize those letters. Have the letter writers ask him to write back. I corresponded with my grandmother through my teenage years even though I spoke to her on the phone once a month. (Long distance was expensive then and usually done after 11pm to save money. Yes, I am old.) The letters were sort of our "secret". I never showed my mother (her daughter) them although now many years later I assume grandma told mom about them.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:38 AM on May 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:38 AM on May 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
One other thing: is it possible he actually enjoys reading all this material, that it makes him feel like he's still in demand or still doing something valuable with his day? Does he have other activities that interest him?
I want to reiterate this perspective, which a couple of people have raised. I am going through something similar with an older relative who is constantly complaining about being behind on the mail and having to sort, shred, etc. Much of the mail is political or fundraising related. When I stayed with them for a few weeks, I sorted the important from the junk and offered to recycle/shred it but they were very resistant. I then realized that "the mail" is one of their primary activities. (Luckily they are still savvy about the fundraising requests so there is no risk or harm with those.)
Just something to keep in mind on the mail, specifically. The broader issues of decline are much more complicated, as I know you understand.
posted by fies at 11:05 AM on May 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
I want to reiterate this perspective, which a couple of people have raised. I am going through something similar with an older relative who is constantly complaining about being behind on the mail and having to sort, shred, etc. Much of the mail is political or fundraising related. When I stayed with them for a few weeks, I sorted the important from the junk and offered to recycle/shred it but they were very resistant. I then realized that "the mail" is one of their primary activities. (Luckily they are still savvy about the fundraising requests so there is no risk or harm with those.)
Just something to keep in mind on the mail, specifically. The broader issues of decline are much more complicated, as I know you understand.
posted by fies at 11:05 AM on May 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
I know you can set his phone to block unknown callers. You can probably set his phone to block anyone but his contacts. If you live close by, you can get him a PO Box, that you clear, and then drop his mail off. I know you used to be able to give the letter carrier a form which opted out of junk mail. The PO is a great place to send those POA notes. Get a durable POA, for everything.
posted by Oyéah at 2:56 PM on May 20, 2022
posted by Oyéah at 2:56 PM on May 20, 2022
I had to clean out the huge pile of mail for my dad and by the time I was done I was FURIOUS! Catholic and other Christian organizations as well as Right wing groups. The tone of all of them was a DIRE warning that if you don't send money then... These poor children won't eat tonight... The lefties will take over the world.... We'll have to shut our 200 year old orphanage. .. And it will be all your fault when you could have prevented it with just a small donation NOW.
Sorry, I don't have a solution for you. Just wanted to share how predatory the whole industry is.
posted by CathyG at 9:21 PM on May 22, 2022
Sorry, I don't have a solution for you. Just wanted to share how predatory the whole industry is.
posted by CathyG at 9:21 PM on May 22, 2022
« Older A skunk by any other name would still smell ...... | What sf book or story has a planet that gets... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
I’m sorry.
posted by rd45 at 7:00 AM on May 20, 2022 [9 favorites]