How can I build self-trust?
April 30, 2022 10:27 PM Subscribe
I’m looking for resources that have concrete exercises, techniques, challenges, or tasks that could help me build self-trust.
I’m especially interested if you have had personal success with a particular method. I am not looking for amorphous guidance like, ‘trust your gut, be authentic, stay true to your values,’ etc. I feel like those suggestions sort of… assume you already trust yourself.
Context about me: I’m in therapy and slowly working through this question with my therapist, but I'm always looking to find ways to work on this problem. I am a very anxious person who wants to develop a stronger internal sense of worth, authority, and trust. I rely a lot on external validation to know whether I’m doing a good job, making the right decision, doing something correctly, etc. I feel this way at work and in my daily life, where even if I think I did something well, I can’t know for sure until someone else confirms it. And it all comes crashing down if they DON’T confirm it.
It’s not that I think I’m bad at everything… I do consider myself to be a person who has skills/talents. But in practice, I’m never SURE if I’m doing things right/well until I get that external validation. It affects decision-making, too, even fun decision-making like… deciding what to do with free time. What if I pick the wrong thing somehow?
Ultimately, I want to just be able to be like, “I want to do something and that’s enough reason to do it,” or, “I made something I like and someone else disliking it doesn’t have to change my opinion.” Lacking this self-trust makes every day more exhausting and unpredictable. I use way more energy on small things than I need to.
Thanks for your input!
I’m especially interested if you have had personal success with a particular method. I am not looking for amorphous guidance like, ‘trust your gut, be authentic, stay true to your values,’ etc. I feel like those suggestions sort of… assume you already trust yourself.
Context about me: I’m in therapy and slowly working through this question with my therapist, but I'm always looking to find ways to work on this problem. I am a very anxious person who wants to develop a stronger internal sense of worth, authority, and trust. I rely a lot on external validation to know whether I’m doing a good job, making the right decision, doing something correctly, etc. I feel this way at work and in my daily life, where even if I think I did something well, I can’t know for sure until someone else confirms it. And it all comes crashing down if they DON’T confirm it.
It’s not that I think I’m bad at everything… I do consider myself to be a person who has skills/talents. But in practice, I’m never SURE if I’m doing things right/well until I get that external validation. It affects decision-making, too, even fun decision-making like… deciding what to do with free time. What if I pick the wrong thing somehow?
Ultimately, I want to just be able to be like, “I want to do something and that’s enough reason to do it,” or, “I made something I like and someone else disliking it doesn’t have to change my opinion.” Lacking this self-trust makes every day more exhausting and unpredictable. I use way more energy on small things than I need to.
Thanks for your input!
Instead of looking to others for affirmation perhaps you could judge a job well-done by metrics that don't necessarily involve other people, but how a particular task is judged on its merit, or by your standards. For example, if I mopped a floor I might think about what makes for a nicely mopped floor -- all areas have been cleaned and touched with the mop. I see no marks or dirty areas. I may have done some scrubbing on my hands and knees. The corners have been tended. I may have changed the water and given it a once over to make it sparkle. I could also judge the job as well done depending on the circumstance -- I may have missed a couple corners, but it's good enough for me right now. I know how to mop a floor thoroughly. I've done it before, but right now I just need it to be mostly clean.
When at work think about what makes for a job well done in a historical sense. What are the expectations of the job and are you meeting those expectations? I know expectations involve other people in a sense (the requirements and duties of the job set by the company or management), but are you fulfilling your duties? I think we know when we are fulfilling our duties. We know when we cut corners, or when we go above and beyond. Think about meeting the requirements of the job instead of labeling things good or bad, or needing someone to come over and notice. What do you notice? You can confirm on your own by meeting the requirements or the standard. With each task, assignment, or project, think about completing the mission instead of asking your sergeant every step of the way if you're doing it right. Mission completed is the reward. Let those feelings of accomplishment guide you. You know how to complete the mission.
In your free time think about your standards and your needs when doing something or completing a task. Does it make you feel good? Does it give you satisfaction? You may return to your habit of needing someone to notice, or to say yay or nay, but can you sit with that feeling and ask yourself what you think about it and what you like? Practice returning to yourself. I don't think there is any magic answer on developing internal satisfaction, or internal guidance other than practice. You get to choose how you spend your free time. Nobody out there can decide what you do when you're alone. You get to make that choice which can be empowering. You're in control of your own choices. You get to define what feels good because only you know. Ask yourself what you want and need instead of deferring to others. Go inward instead of searching out there.
If you're on social media you may skip it for a while if you compare yourself with others, or if you need likes or validation on social media. Also, you might set some goals that you can meet and repeat with new goals. Goal-setting and goal achievement can help build confidence and self-esteem. Also, a regular gratitude practice and writing down some of your positive attributes.
posted by loveandhappiness at 6:51 AM on May 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
When at work think about what makes for a job well done in a historical sense. What are the expectations of the job and are you meeting those expectations? I know expectations involve other people in a sense (the requirements and duties of the job set by the company or management), but are you fulfilling your duties? I think we know when we are fulfilling our duties. We know when we cut corners, or when we go above and beyond. Think about meeting the requirements of the job instead of labeling things good or bad, or needing someone to come over and notice. What do you notice? You can confirm on your own by meeting the requirements or the standard. With each task, assignment, or project, think about completing the mission instead of asking your sergeant every step of the way if you're doing it right. Mission completed is the reward. Let those feelings of accomplishment guide you. You know how to complete the mission.
In your free time think about your standards and your needs when doing something or completing a task. Does it make you feel good? Does it give you satisfaction? You may return to your habit of needing someone to notice, or to say yay or nay, but can you sit with that feeling and ask yourself what you think about it and what you like? Practice returning to yourself. I don't think there is any magic answer on developing internal satisfaction, or internal guidance other than practice. You get to choose how you spend your free time. Nobody out there can decide what you do when you're alone. You get to make that choice which can be empowering. You're in control of your own choices. You get to define what feels good because only you know. Ask yourself what you want and need instead of deferring to others. Go inward instead of searching out there.
If you're on social media you may skip it for a while if you compare yourself with others, or if you need likes or validation on social media. Also, you might set some goals that you can meet and repeat with new goals. Goal-setting and goal achievement can help build confidence and self-esteem. Also, a regular gratitude practice and writing down some of your positive attributes.
posted by loveandhappiness at 6:51 AM on May 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
I have absolutely been where you are now, and I'm happy to say that all the hard work paid off. It was a mixture of things but here are two specific activities that helped me.
- I started asking myself what I liked and disliked, which an older and wiser friend had suggested I try. It's easier at first to know what you don't like but the likes become clear later. Little things like "what type of TV shows do I enjoy watching and why?" or "I will never go to a club again because I don't enjoy the atmosphere." It's giving yourself permission to make these choices because so often we think we're doing stuff by choice when really it's autopilot. You can eventually move on to bigger questions like "where do I want to live?" or "is this the job I enjoy?" once you feel confident in the smaller stuff. Chances are that you actually like a lot of your current choices and life situation but knowing we want it and could change it if needed or wanted is very empowering.
- During COVID, I went on a cross-country road trip in nature over a few months: I had a tent and my old car, and how I looked became completely unimportant. It was about making the most of a difficult situation out of my control -- it's a long story -- and being able to sit with the hard stuff as well as the good. I felt free hiking around wearing whatever and focusing on the basics, and I felt so confident after. No one depended on me and I just depended on myself. I felt often worried but also so free! A trip like that is unrealistic for most in terms of time and resources but you can have a similar benefit from other activities. It could be going to a sporting event or bar alone; it could be driving somewhere on a day trip where you stop when and where you want without a plan. It could be anything that is a little uncomfortable so you grow and feel accomplished after.
Good luck with your journey! It sounds like you are already doing great and even more wonderful things await for you during and after all this hard work!
posted by smorgasbord at 6:56 AM on May 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
- I started asking myself what I liked and disliked, which an older and wiser friend had suggested I try. It's easier at first to know what you don't like but the likes become clear later. Little things like "what type of TV shows do I enjoy watching and why?" or "I will never go to a club again because I don't enjoy the atmosphere." It's giving yourself permission to make these choices because so often we think we're doing stuff by choice when really it's autopilot. You can eventually move on to bigger questions like "where do I want to live?" or "is this the job I enjoy?" once you feel confident in the smaller stuff. Chances are that you actually like a lot of your current choices and life situation but knowing we want it and could change it if needed or wanted is very empowering.
- During COVID, I went on a cross-country road trip in nature over a few months: I had a tent and my old car, and how I looked became completely unimportant. It was about making the most of a difficult situation out of my control -- it's a long story -- and being able to sit with the hard stuff as well as the good. I felt free hiking around wearing whatever and focusing on the basics, and I felt so confident after. No one depended on me and I just depended on myself. I felt often worried but also so free! A trip like that is unrealistic for most in terms of time and resources but you can have a similar benefit from other activities. It could be going to a sporting event or bar alone; it could be driving somewhere on a day trip where you stop when and where you want without a plan. It could be anything that is a little uncomfortable so you grow and feel accomplished after.
Good luck with your journey! It sounds like you are already doing great and even more wonderful things await for you during and after all this hard work!
posted by smorgasbord at 6:56 AM on May 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
I started to critically observe the standards of others and check against how I would have done it / handled it and realized there were very few (like one or two) people whose opinion I would let sway me based on the example of their own personal conduct.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:34 AM on May 1, 2022
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:34 AM on May 1, 2022
For me, the most important thing has been breaking down the black-and-white thinking that there is, ever has been, or ever could be a “right” thing to do. There is no optimum, no choice that will assure happiness or security or freedom from the need to make more choices. In this way, the trust I need in myself is not that I will Make The Right Choice, but rather that I will *be there for myself no matter what*, and that *I can always make more choices*. If I make a choice and things turn out to be not what I wanted, I can choose again, to leave or quit or ask for help or or or. I don’t always have this conviction in my guts, but at least I always can turn to it when I feel desperate or conflicted. It’s gotten much easier with practice! Wishing you luck in finding a mindset that works for you.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:13 AM on May 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:13 AM on May 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Have you looked into self-compassion? It might be foundational to self-trust and self-confidence, and it's a little different than self-esteem. There are some helpful research-based resources here: self-compassion.org.
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 11:45 AM on May 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 11:45 AM on May 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
It's hard and I'm not quite there yet but what I've been working on is:
1. realizing there isn't actually a "right choice" (this is a process, helped on by...)
2. changing the way I talk to myself about success, to make it more subjective and myself-centric. "Am I happy with X" instead of "is X good". "What do I prefer" instead of "which is better" (or refining down what I mean by good, "which of these options is better for the environment?" say).
Asking myself if I'm satisfied with something is harder in many ways because it makes me find where I stand. But "Am I good enough???" isn't actually an answerable question, and trying to find someone to answer it will get you either platitudes (we are all worthy children of G-d) or people making something up from their own biased perspectives ("am I happy with you?")
posted by Lady Li at 2:14 PM on May 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
1. realizing there isn't actually a "right choice" (this is a process, helped on by...)
2. changing the way I talk to myself about success, to make it more subjective and myself-centric. "Am I happy with X" instead of "is X good". "What do I prefer" instead of "which is better" (or refining down what I mean by good, "which of these options is better for the environment?" say).
Asking myself if I'm satisfied with something is harder in many ways because it makes me find where I stand. But "Am I good enough???" isn't actually an answerable question, and trying to find someone to answer it will get you either platitudes (we are all worthy children of G-d) or people making something up from their own biased perspectives ("am I happy with you?")
posted by Lady Li at 2:14 PM on May 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Came back to this question because I realized that my comment was pretty amorphous. A concrete way to practice: start making “riskier” low-stakes choices, the kind where a “good” outcome would be pretty darn cool, and a “bad” outcome would be manageable. Try something new for lunch. Wear a piece of clothing you usually reserve for special occasions. As those kinds of risks either work out (“delicious!”) or don’t (“not for me!”), you get a feedback loop that you can observe and learn from. When the outcome of your choice feels good, how nice it turned out that way! When it doesn’t, you’re going to eat lunch and get dressed again tomorrow, and have a chance to make a different choice (which could be the same thing you usually do - but you may begin to see that even habit is built up out of many small, routine *choices*).
Over time, try making new choices that help you enlarge your comfort zone. Tell your boss how much you enjoyed X assignment, because you really relished using your Y skills to accomplish Z. Call a friend when you do something cool and ask, “Can I brag on myself? I just did something really cool!” Propose a weekend fun activity with friends, maybe something that you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t.
If/when a voice comes up in your head telling you that you’re probably making a mistake, talk with it, out loud. Go to a mirror and wrap your arms around yourself, and say things to comfort that part of you - it’s scared and wants to protect you. Stroke your own shoulder, rub your sides and your belly, tell yourself that you won’t leave, that you’ll work out whatever happens, together.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 5:42 PM on May 1, 2022
Over time, try making new choices that help you enlarge your comfort zone. Tell your boss how much you enjoyed X assignment, because you really relished using your Y skills to accomplish Z. Call a friend when you do something cool and ask, “Can I brag on myself? I just did something really cool!” Propose a weekend fun activity with friends, maybe something that you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t.
If/when a voice comes up in your head telling you that you’re probably making a mistake, talk with it, out loud. Go to a mirror and wrap your arms around yourself, and say things to comfort that part of you - it’s scared and wants to protect you. Stroke your own shoulder, rub your sides and your belly, tell yourself that you won’t leave, that you’ll work out whatever happens, together.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 5:42 PM on May 1, 2022
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If I am worrying a lot about X, is this actually productive? Does the worry turn itself into a thing I can do that actually solves my situation? Or, am I just scratching an itch until it bleeds?
If I already know my brain is biased to thinking I suck, then it's more often than not that I don't suck. If I already know my brain is biased to thinking the worst, then it's more often that I'll actually be able to experience the best. What are some stories of how I could actually be much better than I expected? Sometimes telling yourself these stories, however ridiculous it can feel to you at the time, is helpful, b/c over time you get *used* to hearing at least a more positive view that could eventually balance out your tendencies.
Similarly, I try to "expose" myself to situations so I have more evidence that I am a person who I can trust. Usually I would brood over buying anything frivolous for myself. I tried (starting at low amounts) deliberately buying the frivolous thing. I still get a bit caught up -- do I *really* want this? or do I think I want this? -- but I am more at ease now. You have to practice listening and honoring what that voice inside of you wants, so that over time, you see, that the voice actually can be trusted.
There are a lot of people in the world who have a ton more self-confidence (than I think is warranted). If they feel confident about their X, why couldn't I also have reason to feel confident too? Even if it's unjustified, feeling a bit more confident sure is a lot better than feeling a bit less confident.
I found "The Worry Cure" book to be super super super helpful for me. It's like CBT, but specifically around worrying / ruminating.
posted by ellerhodes at 6:34 AM on May 1, 2022 [4 favorites]