My ex is a mystery I want to stop trying to solve
April 28, 2022 11:13 AM Subscribe
I have recently (about a month ago) broken up with my platonic partner (both women, both around 30). I am an anxious person in general (in therapy, on meds). She was and continues to be a... not great communicator, and avoidant. I am happier out of her life than in it, but cannot avoid her entirely, due to being part of the same friend group, and I keep getting drawn back into trying to figure her out like I did when I was in a relationship with her. Help me... not?
Wall of text, sorry.
I really don't want to paint her as the bad guy, here. Everyone is messed up in their own ways, and I know I certainly am. However, let us say that our baggage was... poorly matched.
I have trauma and gaslighting in a bad marriage in my background, and have been in therapy for about four years. I have anxiety, and am medicated for it, as of a year ago, one year into our two year relationship.
She was ace, had never had a long term romantic relationship, and did not know what romantic love felt like. She had never been to therapy, but acknowledged that she had anxiety and depressive episodes. Early on in the relationship she stated that she wanted to go to therapy "when she had time." A month before I broke up with her, in the midst of a depressive episode, she told me that she didn't see the point of therapy. She could not spot when she was having a depressive episode until she was well into it (think like a month later), did not like to talk about her feelings, and would often tell me nothing was wrong when I would ask early on in these episodes (because she couldn't spot it, though she had 100% stopped initiating contact with me), and then later on would tell me "I've realized I've been depressed for the past month." Which was unintentionally crazy-making. She also rarely initiated hangouts, rarely expressed opinions or thoughts about our relationship except to echo what I had said, rarely told me that she had enjoyed anything she had done with me or that she was looking forward to seeing me. When I asked if she could be more verbal in her affection, she said that I ought to know that she enjoyed my company because she kept showing up when I invited her over.
About the relationship in general: we were never sexual, never romantic, though I felt what I would call romantic feelings for her. She explicitly did not have romantic feelings for me, but was not ok with calling us best friends (Because that's what it felt like to me! We weren't exclusive by agreement from the start since she was ace and I was not and she was totally fine with that, and she made it very clear that she did not plan on living with me.) because previous best friends had abandoned her by moving away or getting married and moving away. She did tell me that she felt "something more" for me, but didn't know what romantic love felt like. The whole relationship thing was a complicated mess, and looking back I'm just sad for myself that I agreed to a relationship where my feelings were not reciprocated.
A mix of intermittent rewards and hope for the future kept me hooked, but being in a relationship with her was not good for my mental health. I broke up with her as kindly as I could, given the circumstances, while not being untruthful (I did tell her that I felt our relationship was unbalanced and that I'd been putting in more of the work. I know that wasn't kind, per se, but I also can't quite bring myself to regret it.)
We are currently no-contact when it comes to 1:1 conversation. However, we met because we were in the same friend group, and I had introduced her to several of my closest friends from outside the friend group. She did not do the same with her closest friends from outside the original friend group. We play D&D together and belong to a video game group together. I started both the D&D and video game groups, and am unwilling to kick her out of either group, because I don't want to cause a rift, cause drama, or make any of our now mutual friends choose sides. However, my brain keeps trying to fall back into the old habit of "interpreting" her behaviour like I had to when I was in a relationship with her, and trying to figure out WHY she's doing the things she does, what it means, etc. etc. I have had romantic/intimate relationships where I was not like this, this obsessive, this... anxious, so this is not... the norm for me. It is a bit like I reacted to my much worse marriage, except that she's nowhere near as bad as my ex, or at least more sympathetic. She just appears to bring out the worst in me, and it's not good for me, or her, or anyone around us, though I do keep it to myself and one trusted friend who I trust and have talked to about this and who is very good about being gentle while also reminding me that I know that this kind of obsessing isn't helpful for me when I start thinking like that. I usually I deal with this by taking a quiet break from that community while she continues on like nothing happened and eveything is fine. I know that it's likely that she's hurting too and just putting on a brave face in public, but it still hurts to see her around, and to try and be civil with her, when I am still so angry, so sad, so sensitive about all of this. The fact that she seems unbothered in public spaces and I'm such a wreck makes me feel like I'm the one who was wrong, who's overreacting, who's too sensitive. (Who always cared too much about the relationship when she did not and made things difficult for everyone. I don't think this last is necessarily true, but it seems to be my bad brain's go-to around this.)
I am trying to keep busy and move on with my life, and when she's not in my life I'm pretty fine and honestly happier and lighter-feeling than I ever was with her, though occasionally sad about the breakup--though not in a way that would make me want to get back with her. I am very clear on the relationship being bad news. But when I have to interact with her regularly... it's no good.
I would like advice on navigating this, on moving past obsessing about her and trying to figure her out when I still have to interact with her on an occaisional basis. Anecdotes or book recommendations that show me how this can me moved past (or even just... are in the same vein, sometimes its helpful to feel seen) would also be helpful.
Wall of text, sorry.
I really don't want to paint her as the bad guy, here. Everyone is messed up in their own ways, and I know I certainly am. However, let us say that our baggage was... poorly matched.
I have trauma and gaslighting in a bad marriage in my background, and have been in therapy for about four years. I have anxiety, and am medicated for it, as of a year ago, one year into our two year relationship.
She was ace, had never had a long term romantic relationship, and did not know what romantic love felt like. She had never been to therapy, but acknowledged that she had anxiety and depressive episodes. Early on in the relationship she stated that she wanted to go to therapy "when she had time." A month before I broke up with her, in the midst of a depressive episode, she told me that she didn't see the point of therapy. She could not spot when she was having a depressive episode until she was well into it (think like a month later), did not like to talk about her feelings, and would often tell me nothing was wrong when I would ask early on in these episodes (because she couldn't spot it, though she had 100% stopped initiating contact with me), and then later on would tell me "I've realized I've been depressed for the past month." Which was unintentionally crazy-making. She also rarely initiated hangouts, rarely expressed opinions or thoughts about our relationship except to echo what I had said, rarely told me that she had enjoyed anything she had done with me or that she was looking forward to seeing me. When I asked if she could be more verbal in her affection, she said that I ought to know that she enjoyed my company because she kept showing up when I invited her over.
About the relationship in general: we were never sexual, never romantic, though I felt what I would call romantic feelings for her. She explicitly did not have romantic feelings for me, but was not ok with calling us best friends (Because that's what it felt like to me! We weren't exclusive by agreement from the start since she was ace and I was not and she was totally fine with that, and she made it very clear that she did not plan on living with me.) because previous best friends had abandoned her by moving away or getting married and moving away. She did tell me that she felt "something more" for me, but didn't know what romantic love felt like. The whole relationship thing was a complicated mess, and looking back I'm just sad for myself that I agreed to a relationship where my feelings were not reciprocated.
A mix of intermittent rewards and hope for the future kept me hooked, but being in a relationship with her was not good for my mental health. I broke up with her as kindly as I could, given the circumstances, while not being untruthful (I did tell her that I felt our relationship was unbalanced and that I'd been putting in more of the work. I know that wasn't kind, per se, but I also can't quite bring myself to regret it.)
We are currently no-contact when it comes to 1:1 conversation. However, we met because we were in the same friend group, and I had introduced her to several of my closest friends from outside the friend group. She did not do the same with her closest friends from outside the original friend group. We play D&D together and belong to a video game group together. I started both the D&D and video game groups, and am unwilling to kick her out of either group, because I don't want to cause a rift, cause drama, or make any of our now mutual friends choose sides. However, my brain keeps trying to fall back into the old habit of "interpreting" her behaviour like I had to when I was in a relationship with her, and trying to figure out WHY she's doing the things she does, what it means, etc. etc. I have had romantic/intimate relationships where I was not like this, this obsessive, this... anxious, so this is not... the norm for me. It is a bit like I reacted to my much worse marriage, except that she's nowhere near as bad as my ex, or at least more sympathetic. She just appears to bring out the worst in me, and it's not good for me, or her, or anyone around us, though I do keep it to myself and one trusted friend who I trust and have talked to about this and who is very good about being gentle while also reminding me that I know that this kind of obsessing isn't helpful for me when I start thinking like that. I usually I deal with this by taking a quiet break from that community while she continues on like nothing happened and eveything is fine. I know that it's likely that she's hurting too and just putting on a brave face in public, but it still hurts to see her around, and to try and be civil with her, when I am still so angry, so sad, so sensitive about all of this. The fact that she seems unbothered in public spaces and I'm such a wreck makes me feel like I'm the one who was wrong, who's overreacting, who's too sensitive. (Who always cared too much about the relationship when she did not and made things difficult for everyone. I don't think this last is necessarily true, but it seems to be my bad brain's go-to around this.)
I am trying to keep busy and move on with my life, and when she's not in my life I'm pretty fine and honestly happier and lighter-feeling than I ever was with her, though occasionally sad about the breakup--though not in a way that would make me want to get back with her. I am very clear on the relationship being bad news. But when I have to interact with her regularly... it's no good.
I would like advice on navigating this, on moving past obsessing about her and trying to figure her out when I still have to interact with her on an occaisional basis. Anecdotes or book recommendations that show me how this can me moved past (or even just... are in the same vein, sometimes its helpful to feel seen) would also be helpful.
Another mantra that works for some people in these situations: "Not my circus, not my monkeys."
posted by nosila at 11:39 AM on April 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by nosila at 11:39 AM on April 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It sounds to me like the friendship didn't work out because you were simply incompatible. You were asking for things that were not in her repertoire of things she was serving up. The menu of her food truck was different from what you were looking for*. But it doesn't sound like there was any drama, strife, shady dealings, or the complications that happen when people have sex & then stop having sex.
If that assessment is correct that I think the model you could adopt could just be, we have downshifted in our relationship from close to not close, and leave it at that. If that works for her it sounds like she will stick around, and if it doesn't work for her then she won't.
*Additional personal details for why I'm saying this:
1. She sounds a bit like me in that I often do not know what's going on with me until I really focus on watching myself like a naturalist studying a reclusive kind of snake in the jungle & most people haven't had the experiences that lead to me learning how to do that. And I still don't know I've been depressed until I've been like that for several days at least.
2. I have a friend who I see every few years, when we got together in 2017 I was miffed the entire time because we wasted a lot of time getting lost in her own city & for some reason I took this as a personal affront. Next time we got together I realized I just have to do the navigating because some people aren't good at that & it had nothing to do with our relationship. When it comes to friends sometimes you just have to meet people where they're at & with what they bring to the table instead of faulting them for not providing things that they're not capable of providing.
posted by bleep at 11:46 AM on April 28, 2022 [9 favorites]
If that assessment is correct that I think the model you could adopt could just be, we have downshifted in our relationship from close to not close, and leave it at that. If that works for her it sounds like she will stick around, and if it doesn't work for her then she won't.
*Additional personal details for why I'm saying this:
1. She sounds a bit like me in that I often do not know what's going on with me until I really focus on watching myself like a naturalist studying a reclusive kind of snake in the jungle & most people haven't had the experiences that lead to me learning how to do that. And I still don't know I've been depressed until I've been like that for several days at least.
2. I have a friend who I see every few years, when we got together in 2017 I was miffed the entire time because we wasted a lot of time getting lost in her own city & for some reason I took this as a personal affront. Next time we got together I realized I just have to do the navigating because some people aren't good at that & it had nothing to do with our relationship. When it comes to friends sometimes you just have to meet people where they're at & with what they bring to the table instead of faulting them for not providing things that they're not capable of providing.
posted by bleep at 11:46 AM on April 28, 2022 [9 favorites]
Best answer: It sucks to be stuck like this. Right now your mind is incentivized to travel in these well worn grooves of your brain, taking the usual rumination paths and getting stuck in the same old loops. That's just the path of least resistance. It's the rut your mind will naturally fall into if your brain is bored or unoccupied or not engaged in something else that's more engrossing. It's not your brain's fault! This is just physics and chemistry and electromagnetism. You can't expect to overcome the laws of physics :) Please don't beat yourself up or even chide yourself gently if you find yourself back in the same old thought loop. It's what's supposed to happen.
The reliable way to stop doing a bad habit is not to tell yourself to stop but rather to start doing something else instead.
It would be ideal if you could become emotionally and perhaps even romantically engaged elsewhere, because that's such a strong magnetic force that can pull you out of this rut in a pleasurable way. But that may or may not be healthy for you and it's not like romantic interests are raining down from the skies for your convenience, alas. So the way to go might be to re-engage in an old hobby you know will consume you, or find a new and pleasurable activity to throw yourself into like volunteering for a cause you love or signing up for an art class.
Regular commitments work best as opposed to one-off activities that force you to constantly come up with some new idea every time you're done. And you should try to give yourself permission to fall completely into the thing, let yourself be swept away by it. Catch the fever, or whatever it is kids these days say.
posted by MiraK at 11:47 AM on April 28, 2022 [12 favorites]
The reliable way to stop doing a bad habit is not to tell yourself to stop but rather to start doing something else instead.
It would be ideal if you could become emotionally and perhaps even romantically engaged elsewhere, because that's such a strong magnetic force that can pull you out of this rut in a pleasurable way. But that may or may not be healthy for you and it's not like romantic interests are raining down from the skies for your convenience, alas. So the way to go might be to re-engage in an old hobby you know will consume you, or find a new and pleasurable activity to throw yourself into like volunteering for a cause you love or signing up for an art class.
Regular commitments work best as opposed to one-off activities that force you to constantly come up with some new idea every time you're done. And you should try to give yourself permission to fall completely into the thing, let yourself be swept away by it. Catch the fever, or whatever it is kids these days say.
posted by MiraK at 11:47 AM on April 28, 2022 [12 favorites]
It sounds like you already know that she is none of your business; I think the next step is "just" to notice and move on every time you start thinking about her this way. (I say "just" because it's simple, but it's still very hard to do!)
There are a lot of techniques for "defusion" of anxious/intrusive/self-destructive thoughts. The most basic is just to notice and say to yourself, "I'm having the thought that I need to understand X's behavior and internal motivations." Some people have success using humor to defuse - imagining the unhelpful thoughts in a goofy voice (like what if, instead of your own voice, your frantic interpretations were in the voice of Tina Belcher or Mickey Mouse or Nicholas Cage at his most unhinged), or singing thoughts to a tune, or just wholeheartedly agreeing with the thoughts, regardless of how dumb they are - "Yep, she's probably taking so long to roll that saving throw because of that one time two years ago when I said something weird."
If that's too hard, maybe take a break! Maybe it's time for a D&D side quest where your character and hers don't see each other for a while. Maybe you just take a month or two off from the video game group and see how that goes. Or seriously, it's not "drama" to ask her to take a break either.
posted by mskyle at 11:50 AM on April 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
There are a lot of techniques for "defusion" of anxious/intrusive/self-destructive thoughts. The most basic is just to notice and say to yourself, "I'm having the thought that I need to understand X's behavior and internal motivations." Some people have success using humor to defuse - imagining the unhelpful thoughts in a goofy voice (like what if, instead of your own voice, your frantic interpretations were in the voice of Tina Belcher or Mickey Mouse or Nicholas Cage at his most unhinged), or singing thoughts to a tune, or just wholeheartedly agreeing with the thoughts, regardless of how dumb they are - "Yep, she's probably taking so long to roll that saving throw because of that one time two years ago when I said something weird."
If that's too hard, maybe take a break! Maybe it's time for a D&D side quest where your character and hers don't see each other for a while. Maybe you just take a month or two off from the video game group and see how that goes. Or seriously, it's not "drama" to ask her to take a break either.
posted by mskyle at 11:50 AM on April 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
What MiraK said. You're in the habit of using your brain this way and don't yet have anything else with which to occupy it. And I personally find "relationship rumination" to be a very specific activity that is hard to replace with anything else, in the same way that replacing physical exercise with watching sports on TV doesn't work for most people.
So in addition to generally widening your life and activities and keeping your mind busy with other things, you can see if thinking about relationships with other people helps: either your own relationships with friends and family, or imaginary relationships between fictional characters (including D&D characters).
posted by metasarah at 12:48 PM on April 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
So in addition to generally widening your life and activities and keeping your mind busy with other things, you can see if thinking about relationships with other people helps: either your own relationships with friends and family, or imaginary relationships between fictional characters (including D&D characters).
posted by metasarah at 12:48 PM on April 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: From what I'm reading here, you are NOT asexual and started this relationship during COVID as a way to avoid being completely isolated, so--find someone who likes sex? You deserve someone who wants to be romantic back.
Also, find someone else to be the gamesmaster for a little while.
posted by kingdead at 2:58 PM on April 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
Also, find someone else to be the gamesmaster for a little while.
posted by kingdead at 2:58 PM on April 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
Women are trained to think about and analyze their partner to tears. For years, I just thought it was just intense socialization and therefore somehow inevitable. It is that, but at some point I saw someone point out that it's just ... easier. I was totally shocked by that concept. But think about it. It is easier to moon, to long, to chastise, and regret. It takes up time and space and drama. It feels, it its own way, like living.
We who do it rationalize the utility is "learning" from it for our next partner. At the same time, we worry there will never be another partner. That takes up even more time. It's not that men do it perfectly. If anything they are socialized to underemote, to underanalyze. But a lot of them are trained to go back to work, and some percentage really achieve that way. Whereas women ... have all these distractions. Conceived of this way, it becomes more of a question of how you want to use your time — and then maybe it becomes a little more of a choice, you know?
posted by Violet Blue at 5:14 PM on April 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
We who do it rationalize the utility is "learning" from it for our next partner. At the same time, we worry there will never be another partner. That takes up even more time. It's not that men do it perfectly. If anything they are socialized to underemote, to underanalyze. But a lot of them are trained to go back to work, and some percentage really achieve that way. Whereas women ... have all these distractions. Conceived of this way, it becomes more of a question of how you want to use your time — and then maybe it becomes a little more of a choice, you know?
posted by Violet Blue at 5:14 PM on April 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
Think about her like a yogurt you left out overnight. Sure, in theory, yogurt can be delicious. But this yogurt? This yogurt might destroy your guts. Do you really want to keep tasting it to find out?
Somewhere out there is a different food that is not rotten that you can enjoy without any of the nagging “is this going to destroy me” thoughts that this yogurt/person has attached to it.
Another helpful metaphor for me in break-ups has been to go on long walks and literally think about putting one foot in front of the other and not turning to look behind me.
posted by sleepingwithcats at 8:44 PM on April 28, 2022
Somewhere out there is a different food that is not rotten that you can enjoy without any of the nagging “is this going to destroy me” thoughts that this yogurt/person has attached to it.
Another helpful metaphor for me in break-ups has been to go on long walks and literally think about putting one foot in front of the other and not turning to look behind me.
posted by sleepingwithcats at 8:44 PM on April 28, 2022
She could not spot when she was having a depressive episode until she was well into it (think like a month later), did not like to talk about her feelings, and would often tell me nothing was wrong when I would ask early on in these episodes (because she couldn't spot it, though she had 100% stopped initiating contact with me), and then later on would tell me "I've realized I've been depressed for the past month." Which was unintentionally crazy-making.
I know it's not universal or anything but this is just so normal for depressive people. things feel differently when they're happening to you than when you're looking back later, is all. plus also I know people talk about alexithymia and so on and so forth when they're looking to pathologize, but if someone doesn't like to talk about their feelings, 'what's wrong? -nothing' is functionally equivalent to 'what's wrong? -I don't want to talk about it.'
again you have every right to not get along well with people like this but it's nothing special about her, we're everywhere. I mean they're everywhere.
so I guess I hear you saying you want to stop trying to solve the mystery, but I'm not sure there is any mystery there.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:40 PM on April 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
I know it's not universal or anything but this is just so normal for depressive people. things feel differently when they're happening to you than when you're looking back later, is all. plus also I know people talk about alexithymia and so on and so forth when they're looking to pathologize, but if someone doesn't like to talk about their feelings, 'what's wrong? -nothing' is functionally equivalent to 'what's wrong? -I don't want to talk about it.'
again you have every right to not get along well with people like this but it's nothing special about her, we're everywhere. I mean they're everywhere.
so I guess I hear you saying you want to stop trying to solve the mystery, but I'm not sure there is any mystery there.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:40 PM on April 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: The mystery is not why she can't talk about her emotions; the "mystery" is figuring out her emotions for her because while I was in a relationship with her she was the only one I could hang out with in person because she was so anxious about the pandemic, so being able to tell if she was depressed or not was important because it told me whether or not I would get to see another person in person that week, or whether that contact would be me walking on eggshells because I was trying to predict what it was she was upset about (she wouldn't tell me without asking, and if I asked she be visibly upset and say she really didn't want to talk about it) and didn't want to talk about so she wouldn't just shut down the conversation because I had made her upset. This only heightened my anxiety, and was obviously not a healthy dynamic. I'm trying to avoid falling into trying to figure out what she's feeling all the time now that I don't have to.
posted by bridgebury at 4:54 AM on April 29, 2022
posted by bridgebury at 4:54 AM on April 29, 2022
Think “she is not what she thinks, she is what she does” - you can never know what someone is truly thinking and as you have stated, sometimes the people themselves don’t know!
It’s safest to take people at their word initially and measure it against their actions. If you don’t understand her, no amount of talking or presence will get you to understand. Perhaps she doesn’t want to be understood. Try getting out of her head and out of your head, and ask yourself whether you can just live with her the around, exactly the way she is.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 11:15 AM on April 29, 2022
It’s safest to take people at their word initially and measure it against their actions. If you don’t understand her, no amount of talking or presence will get you to understand. Perhaps she doesn’t want to be understood. Try getting out of her head and out of your head, and ask yourself whether you can just live with her the around, exactly the way she is.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 11:15 AM on April 29, 2022
Best answer: It sounds like figuring out her emotional state was a survival skill for you during that time when the pandemic left you so emotionally isolated. It was so important to your emotional well-being that it is hard to stop doing it now that things have changed.
So, maybe when you notice yourself worrying about trying to figure her out, you stop and see it as a signal that your brain is trying to make you safe by figuring this out. And, knowing that worrying about her isn't actually what you need your brain to be doing right now, wonder about what where you DO need to direct that energy to feel safer and happier in your life. Like when some people get irritated (or want a drink) they learn to ask them themselves, "HALT! What do I really need? Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired?" Figure out your version and then do something . If you need ideas on what to do, you can make that another question.
posted by metahawk at 2:39 PM on April 29, 2022
So, maybe when you notice yourself worrying about trying to figure her out, you stop and see it as a signal that your brain is trying to make you safe by figuring this out. And, knowing that worrying about her isn't actually what you need your brain to be doing right now, wonder about what where you DO need to direct that energy to feel safer and happier in your life. Like when some people get irritated (or want a drink) they learn to ask them themselves, "HALT! What do I really need? Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired?" Figure out your version and then do something . If you need ideas on what to do, you can make that another question.
posted by metahawk at 2:39 PM on April 29, 2022
Best answer: For me, I use symbolic rituals to communicate with my brain/subconscious, and give myself closure/completion etc.
So, what's a good symbol for not wanting to puzzle over her anymore?
So maybe I might:
Print her picture onto some card with a puzzle design. Or like, actually stick her picture onto a jig saw puzzle.
Then go to the beach, light a fire, and say something like "She is not my puzzle to solve anymore."
Throw puzzle pieces sparingly into the fire as you name each of the things you've obsessed about, or worried about while you were with her, and then keep repeating, "She is not my puzzle to solve anymore."
When there doesn't seem to be anything left to say, throw everything remaining into the fire, then just sit for a moment, then wash your hands in the sea. See? All clean. Finished now.
Then I'd wander round and find a nice rock. Draw a heart on it, and affirm something like, "May I be drawn to people who can healthily reciprocate my love, affection and attention". Either take it home and keep it if you really like it, or throw it in the sea, because that's the kind of 'fish in the sea' you're going to allow yourself to be drawn to next time.
Ridiculous? Kinda, but there's some childish magical part of most people's brains that processes their shit *soo much faster* if you do something like this.
It makes such a 'good story' in your mind that it can shortcut months of just... Waiting to get over shit.
Again, this is just an example. Find your own symbolic metaphor that works better. You don't need a beach, but fires are pretty great.
And yes, it is pretty much witchcraft (people say that like it's a bad thing).
posted by Elysum at 5:31 AM on April 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
So, what's a good symbol for not wanting to puzzle over her anymore?
So maybe I might:
Print her picture onto some card with a puzzle design. Or like, actually stick her picture onto a jig saw puzzle.
Then go to the beach, light a fire, and say something like "She is not my puzzle to solve anymore."
Throw puzzle pieces sparingly into the fire as you name each of the things you've obsessed about, or worried about while you were with her, and then keep repeating, "She is not my puzzle to solve anymore."
When there doesn't seem to be anything left to say, throw everything remaining into the fire, then just sit for a moment, then wash your hands in the sea. See? All clean. Finished now.
Then I'd wander round and find a nice rock. Draw a heart on it, and affirm something like, "May I be drawn to people who can healthily reciprocate my love, affection and attention". Either take it home and keep it if you really like it, or throw it in the sea, because that's the kind of 'fish in the sea' you're going to allow yourself to be drawn to next time.
Ridiculous? Kinda, but there's some childish magical part of most people's brains that processes their shit *soo much faster* if you do something like this.
It makes such a 'good story' in your mind that it can shortcut months of just... Waiting to get over shit.
Again, this is just an example. Find your own symbolic metaphor that works better. You don't need a beach, but fires are pretty great.
And yes, it is pretty much witchcraft (people say that like it's a bad thing).
posted by Elysum at 5:31 AM on April 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Everytime you find yourself thinking of her, just say "Not my problem" or "She's a mystery wrapped in an enigma. Wish her well [if you do] but she is not my problem" and then firmly redirect your thoughts to your own life. You may need to do this may times an hour but the trick is to just catch yourself each time you start focusing her and remind yourself to let it go and focus on your own future.
posted by metahawk at 11:33 AM on April 28, 2022 [5 favorites]