Spend every hour together?

April 24, 2022 8:19 AM

We have old friends visiting and wondering if I should be more social.

We have friends staying with us for about 6 days. Knowing my own energy and not being able to take off work, I told them ahead of time if they wanted to stay longer than a weekend, I likely wouldn’t have capacity to entertain them outside of the weekend, but they can crash here. They said that was fine, so everything seemed cool!

Come the actual visit, we have planned at least 1 activity and 1 food outing every day for Fri-Sun. But they have expressed sadness when they say “we’re going to check out X, are you sure you don’t want to come? We would really rather you come” and if I have energy, I say sure! But more times this weekend than not, I have had issues mustering the non-introvert energy to say yes to it all. This is probably the most I’ve been around people constantly since pre-pandemic. They have also expressed sadness that I can’t go explore with them on Mon-Wed but I couldn’t take time off from my job, so I tried to make up for that by giving them a long list of things to check out that I think they would like.

I don’t think my friends are holding a grudge or are angry at me for saying no (I hope) but I’m feeling more and more guilty and like a bad friend/host. What are reasonable expectations I should set for myself?

posted by buttonedup to Human Relations (18 answers total)

This internet stranger says that you're fine. You told them up front what you could do and not do, and now they're the ones who are trying to push. That's not cool. It'd be one thing to say "hey, we're doing X, has your energy/time/etc changed? No? Cool, see you tonight!" but it's another to be pushy about it.
posted by joycehealy at 8:33 AM on April 24, 2022 [18 favorites]

6 days is a bit long for company anyway.
posted by NotLost at 8:34 AM on April 24, 2022 [23 favorites]

They may feel guilt/rude over staying at your place and not including you in everything. This might be one of those, you feel guilty/rude for not spending time with them and they feel guilty/rude for not including you, and really everyone is just fine and prefers it the way it is. Isn't politeness a hassle?

Hold strong and do what you originally said you would do.
posted by Toddles at 8:40 AM on April 24, 2022 [32 favorites]

I feel like the expectations around this vary so much from person to person -- when I have company or visit someone, I fully expect to be on my own for much of the time, because that's how my family does stuff, but I've had visitors who clearly expected 16 hours of entertainment and 8 hours of sleeping. You were clear about the expectations ahead of time, though, so this is not on you.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 8:45 AM on April 24, 2022 [8 favorites]

Growing up my mom always told me to not stay at a friends apartment for more than three days for this reason. There’s a very real thing with overstaying your welcome.
posted by pando11 at 9:07 AM on April 24, 2022 [4 favorites]

You're okay. Really. Never feel guilty for establishing personal boundaries about entertaining.
posted by mochapickle at 9:17 AM on April 24, 2022 [2 favorites]

Oh gosh. No. Your guests are probably well meaning, but this is rude. You told them what you are up to doing, you're spending a totally reasonable amount of time with them, and they keep pushing back.

I have had issues mustering the non-introvert energy to say yes to it all.

I think you need the non-introvert energy to say no. Can you say something like, "I appreciate your wanting to spend more time with me, but I really can't do more than I told you before and I'm not going to change my mind. Would you please stop asking?" And if they keep asking, you can go with the old broken record, "I'm sorry, but that won't be possible."
posted by FencingGal at 10:04 AM on April 24, 2022 [5 favorites]

You're totally fine (though I agree maybe it's understandable they assumed the weekend was to be more of a 24/7 hangout).

It also seems like maybe part of the problem is that they clearly want to both go out and do things and see you at the same time. When I visit people in places that are also fun to visit, I distinguish between "time with friend" v. "time doing things I want to do in [location]." Sometimes those things overlap, but sometimes they don't and that's fine. Could you think of some really low-key suggestions you could make that allow your friends the option to spend time with you M-W, that will not require much from you? Like "Hey, while I cannot miss work and I am generally low-energy post-work, if you wanted to come back to my place at around [time] I'd love to have some time talking over a carry-out dinner" -or what have you.

This is probably the most I’ve been around people constantly since pre-pandemic.

Not that you need an excuse here, but if you are feeling guilty about expressing your needs, I'd use this fact as a crutch to do so. Basically everyone that is remotely empathetic gets that a lot of people are socially rusty, so I'd just say to your friends "Sorry if I seem not as outgoing or social as previous visits, while I've always been introverted, the pandemic has made me more so and I'm still in the process of building up my social muscle."
posted by coffeecat at 10:14 AM on April 24, 2022 [3 favorites]

I don’t think my friends are holding a grudge or are angry at me for saying no (I hope) but I’m feeling more and more guilty and like a bad friend/host. What are reasonable expectations I should set for myself?

Sometimes you just have to let your friends be sad that their ideal world doesn't overlap with the real world. It does sound like maybe they wanted to be Always Together during the weekend but it doesn't sound like you were rude, maybe just not 100% clear about your energy levels (which is fine, mismatches happen and you didn't know this was going to be their expectation). My basic feeling with guests is that two and a half full days (i.e. and two nights) is about all I can do the Always Together stuff and I let people know that. I also often don't want to do a lot of social outside the house stuff, especially now.

I am also a person who has a sort of destination resort type of fancy house in the summer and I host people a lot but let them know up front "Hey I sleep in so I am usually up by X o'clock. Why don't you guys do your thing in the morning early afternoon and then we can join up for an afternoon event and dinner?" so they understand the outlines. I think a lot of people just default to however they usually host/hang and so there can be some cluelessness to other ways of doing things. That's ok, you talk it out.

But the whole expressing sadness that you'll be at your job during the week? I mean I think (hope) that's just performative, in that they want you to know they appreciate your company and would love to see more of you but I hope (think) that they appreciate that not everyone can take time off for visiting guests. This can be, of course, slightly different if it's family. But maybe you can see it as an opportunity and be like "Hey I'll be home about 5 do you want to plan a big dinner at the house? I'd love to come home and relax and hear about your day doing stuff?" and then it's clear you're engaging but also have boundaries and also hopefully not running yourself ragged.
posted by jessamyn at 10:38 AM on April 24, 2022 [5 favorites]

"Fish and visitors stink after three days." — Poor Richard’s Almanac

You’re doing them a solid favor by letting them outlast the fish, so you have plenty of room to maneuver on any sense of obligation you might feel.

Although truthfully I think by giving them advance warning you relieved yourself of your obligations anyway.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:53 AM on April 24, 2022 [4 favorites]

Are you sure they're not just doing the polite/anxious thing of making sure you really really really don't want to hang out with them and you really do know they want you there?
posted by Omnomnom at 11:43 AM on April 24, 2022 [3 favorites]

I told them ahead of time if they wanted to stay longer than a weekend, I likely wouldn’t have capacity to entertain them outside of the weekend.

Is it possible that they interpreted this not as a statement about your level of social energy generally, but as a statement about how your job is getting in the way of something you'd otherwise be enthusiastic about? If there's any possibility that this is the case (which would explain their expressing so much sadness about the weekday activities), it might be worth clarifying with them, since they might be doing this in part because they're worried that you're disappointed in the visit.

And either way, good for you for saying no to things that are too much! It sounds like you're doing a great job of holding space for yourself to be the person you are.
posted by dizziest at 12:27 PM on April 24, 2022

I guess my question is, why do you feel like you can't talk to them about it?

It's hard for me to imagine being good friends with someone and not being able to say something like: Hey, I really enjoy your company, but you know me - I need a lot of time to myself to recharge. I really did mean it when I said I probably couldn't do much outside the weekend.

That is, by the time I'm good enough friends with someone that they're staying at my place, we're at the point in our relationship where we can have honest conversations about our feelings/needs. We're also past the point of worrying too much about what counts as "being a good host" over what we each actually want/need.

I've been in your shoes recently - a friend came to visit and it was hard, because I wasn't used to having someone in my space and she was just. always. there. I'd invite her again, because I had a lot of fun, but we were able to talk and like... she was completely okay with giving me space when I needed it?

Maybe this isn't your relationship, but you didn't say that you don't think you can talk to them about it. So my first suggestion is to talk to them about it.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 1:15 PM on April 24, 2022 [1 favorite]

Can you let it me Ok that you are doing something that makes them a little bit sad? You said they aren't angry or upset - just expressing that they would rather do these things with you (which makes total sense on their side - it would be more fun for them if you could join them) Adults know that we don't get everything we want and even if you don't do it, they are still getting to have a nice vacation and spend more time with you than they would if they weren't there.

So what if this guilt is totally unnecessary - just something you are making in your head? What if you just decided everything is actually just fine - your friends are having a nice vacation, you are participating where you can and saying no when it doesn't suit your calendar/energy level/social preferences - and nobody needs to feel guilty about any of it?

Obviously, much easier to say than to do. So maybe talking to friends and letting them know that you wish you could spend more time with them too but just isn't practical (Note: not practical includes things like feel tired or anti-social as well external constraints) and you hope that they understand that you trying hard to help them to have a really nice visit. Maybe some reassurance from them would help you let go of the guilt. And, as a bonus, it might also give them the idea that encourage you to come makes you feel worse not better.
posted by metahawk at 3:24 PM on April 24, 2022 [2 favorites]

I would say, “I love hanging out with you so I’m really tempted- but I need some quiet time to do work. Have fun and I’ll look forward to seeing the photos you take :)” You don’t have to actually do work, just go into a room with a laptop, put on headphones, and be unavailable.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:52 PM on April 24, 2022

I will be an outlier and admit I'd have expected "not much time outside the weekend" to mean spending the weekend together - not seeing each other a few times but like, you-are-my-charge-now, because that's what my family and friends do when they host me (or I host them) - we meet up in the morning and go somewhere for the day, come back for/after dinner and play a board game or watch TV, and for the really good friends we would sit around into the evening laughing and telling stories. You can only hold up the whole 24 hour thing for a day or two before people need more solo time, but a weekend would be perfect.

But. There are other good ways to travel too! That's what I'd subconsciously expect if I were specifically making the trip to see the friend. If I'm going to your city for a work conference or to do some sightseeing, or to see a bunch of different people, then a couple meals & outings with a local friend would be fantastic, especially with them putting me up (wow, above and beyond). So it really depends on the trip.
posted by Lady Li at 10:11 PM on April 24, 2022 [7 favorites]

I think different folks can reasonably have different interpretations in what is meant by a host entertaining guests over the weekend. So I can see how your guests might have felt a bit disappointed* if they were expecting to hang out with you "all day" on Saturday and Sunday. It's totally the right thing to do that you put up boundaries in your availability, but you might need to remind your guests that you are an introvert who needs to recharge your batteries. (It's a "you, not them" situation). However, to the greatest degree your introverted self can manage, your guests might also require (frequent) reassurance that you want them there and that you are delighted to finally have house guests since the pandemic started. You can still let your guests know that you would much rather hang out with them than go to work, and insert a joke about how unfortunately you haven't won the lottery lately, so you need to go to work this week. Or let them know that the prospect hanging out with them that evening doing [specific activity within bounded time frame], is how you're getting through the workday. You are looking forward to hearing about their day during [specific activity].

*There are some people out there who are prone to disappointment when vacation plans don't go according to the exact plans they had in their head. It's not your responsibility to manage the emotions of adults, but sometimes it can help to proactively manage expectations by having a conversation about (weekend) plans/ usual routines before the trip begins.
posted by oceano at 1:45 AM on April 25, 2022

Extroverts are so exhausting. I mean, I love my extrovert friends, I do, but just reading this made me want to have a nap. I can't imagine how much distress I'd be in living it.

I agree that if they're staying in your home, you should be good enough friends that you can say, "no, thanks, I need a very high ratio of recharge-to-activity so you guys go do your thing and I'll sit here and try to slowly recover from being invited."

I have a lot of good friends who live a distance away, who often come to visit for anywhere from 1-6 days at a time, especially in summer because we have a pool and lots of iced tea. But they know me well enough by now to make a token effort to get me outside so I know I'm wanted, and then leave me alone with my laptop. (I'm much better at TV Socializing, so there's always dinner-and-tv in the evenings to make up for me going poof like a vampire in the daylight hours.)

I've also found over the years that most guests are more afraid of being bad guests than you are of being a bad host. You may have some success just telling them "You guys are awesome for inviting me, but I need a lot of downtime; I promise I'll let you know when I can join you for something this week!"
posted by invincible summer at 2:50 PM on April 25, 2022 [1 favorite]