Want to nix an embarrassing internal birthday habit.
April 3, 2022 4:56 PM Subscribe
I have an embarrassing secret birthday habit I want to confess about, and discontinue, but would like your advice and tips on how.
Yesterday was my birthday, and I found myself feeling hurt that some of my friends did not wish me a happy birthday.
For many years now, I have saved all of my friends/family members' birthday dates on my calendar/in my contacts, to make sure I don't forget to wish them a happy birthday on the date. If not on the date, definitely a day or two belated, or even advance, depending on the circumstances. I also make sure to treat my friends to birthday dinners/lunches/coffees/whatnot, of course, depending on the level of closeness. I also do the occasional IG story featuring said friend's birthday (this is something people in my crowd tend to do), or videotext sending them well wishes for their birthdays. What I'm trying to get at is, I'm a birthday person. I put my passion and care in it.
Well, as you might have already guessed, based on my attachment anxiety traits, most of my friends unfortunately don't reciprocate this birthday "quirk" of mine. Most birthdays, I get simple birthday texts, with the very occasional IG story share. I have to do all the work in planning my birthday outings, and oftentimes, friends either flake out or don't actually stick to the plan, which is frustrating. I've also treated some friends to lunch/dinner/dessert, only not to get similar treatment in return. A friend couple of mine always invites me to their respective surprise birthday gatherings, but every year, when I do the same for my own birthday, they never can make it. "Too busy", "conflicts that weekend", so forth.
As for yesterday's birthday, a few good friends of mine, one I considered a close-to core friend, did not wish me a happy birthday at all. It hurt. Yes, I understand on a rational level that people get busy, people forget, etc., but on another level, it's difficult to wrap my head around this: it's not that frigging hard to send a birthday text. A simple "happy birthday!" will suffice. Two. Words. Just those two words make the world of a difference. I think what's contributing to my current unhappiness is that my birthday was unfortunately cancelled/postponed because I contracted COVID, but I'd think people would have been chomping at the bit to FaceTime me. Uh-uh, didn't happen. A friend completely ghosted me after initially asking him if he wanted to Zoom, and getting a "sure!" on his end, then when trying to confirm times, zilch, no reply. It also hurt when some people who knew it was my birthday today didn't reach out.
I really am not trying to come across as narcissistic or transactional at all here, I understand that everyone has different standards of what a birthday is, and how invested they are into it. It just hurts because I always find myself super invested in everyone's birthday, and would go to lengths to show that I care and want them to have a great birthday, only to face a vast majority of lukewarm on their end, if that makes sense.
So. I want to nip this bad habit in the bud. I have a bad habit of holding people to my own standards (ie, if I text someone, I often have to remind myself not to be upset if they don't respond back, because I would always respond back). I might have to either keep doing what I'm doing, but expect nothing back (that's the hardest part!), or reduce/discontinue my birthday activities and become lukewarm like them. Not exactly what I want to do, but I do need to figure out a way to protect myself/my emotions, particularly when it's my birthday. My birthdays are always hard for me, because of the fraught emotions and investments, and plans, that I have to carefully balance and make sure don't fall through, and the expectations/hurt that comes with them.
If you can offer any advice/tips on how to detach from this habit, that would be greatly appreciated.
Yesterday was my birthday, and I found myself feeling hurt that some of my friends did not wish me a happy birthday.
For many years now, I have saved all of my friends/family members' birthday dates on my calendar/in my contacts, to make sure I don't forget to wish them a happy birthday on the date. If not on the date, definitely a day or two belated, or even advance, depending on the circumstances. I also make sure to treat my friends to birthday dinners/lunches/coffees/whatnot, of course, depending on the level of closeness. I also do the occasional IG story featuring said friend's birthday (this is something people in my crowd tend to do), or videotext sending them well wishes for their birthdays. What I'm trying to get at is, I'm a birthday person. I put my passion and care in it.
Well, as you might have already guessed, based on my attachment anxiety traits, most of my friends unfortunately don't reciprocate this birthday "quirk" of mine. Most birthdays, I get simple birthday texts, with the very occasional IG story share. I have to do all the work in planning my birthday outings, and oftentimes, friends either flake out or don't actually stick to the plan, which is frustrating. I've also treated some friends to lunch/dinner/dessert, only not to get similar treatment in return. A friend couple of mine always invites me to their respective surprise birthday gatherings, but every year, when I do the same for my own birthday, they never can make it. "Too busy", "conflicts that weekend", so forth.
As for yesterday's birthday, a few good friends of mine, one I considered a close-to core friend, did not wish me a happy birthday at all. It hurt. Yes, I understand on a rational level that people get busy, people forget, etc., but on another level, it's difficult to wrap my head around this: it's not that frigging hard to send a birthday text. A simple "happy birthday!" will suffice. Two. Words. Just those two words make the world of a difference. I think what's contributing to my current unhappiness is that my birthday was unfortunately cancelled/postponed because I contracted COVID, but I'd think people would have been chomping at the bit to FaceTime me. Uh-uh, didn't happen. A friend completely ghosted me after initially asking him if he wanted to Zoom, and getting a "sure!" on his end, then when trying to confirm times, zilch, no reply. It also hurt when some people who knew it was my birthday today didn't reach out.
I really am not trying to come across as narcissistic or transactional at all here, I understand that everyone has different standards of what a birthday is, and how invested they are into it. It just hurts because I always find myself super invested in everyone's birthday, and would go to lengths to show that I care and want them to have a great birthday, only to face a vast majority of lukewarm on their end, if that makes sense.
So. I want to nip this bad habit in the bud. I have a bad habit of holding people to my own standards (ie, if I text someone, I often have to remind myself not to be upset if they don't respond back, because I would always respond back). I might have to either keep doing what I'm doing, but expect nothing back (that's the hardest part!), or reduce/discontinue my birthday activities and become lukewarm like them. Not exactly what I want to do, but I do need to figure out a way to protect myself/my emotions, particularly when it's my birthday. My birthdays are always hard for me, because of the fraught emotions and investments, and plans, that I have to carefully balance and make sure don't fall through, and the expectations/hurt that comes with them.
If you can offer any advice/tips on how to detach from this habit, that would be greatly appreciated.
It does sound like you are very focused on the Birthday as an event of significance, and less on the general enjoyment of celebration and gift giving that tends to go along with birthdays. I'm one of those people who actively dislikes birthdays for various reasons and sending a birthday text is actually pretty difficult for me. I'm at the opposite end of the birthday spectrum from you. Your friends are probably somewhere in the middle, where they like birthdays but don't see them as critically important to a friendship.
One thing you could try is to spread out some of your celebration of others so it isn't quite as focused on birthdays. Do some of your friends or family members particularly enjoy certain holidays? Maybe you could focus on remembering to wish them a Merry Christmas/whatever instead of always making sure to celebrate their birthday. Or, if you do have a good idea for a gift, maybe send it to them a few weeks before or after their birthday and say it's late/early birthday present. This might help to separate out "it's important to celebrate my friends and make them feel special" from "it's important to make Birthdays a big deal"
posted by JZig at 5:59 PM on April 3, 2022 [7 favorites]
One thing you could try is to spread out some of your celebration of others so it isn't quite as focused on birthdays. Do some of your friends or family members particularly enjoy certain holidays? Maybe you could focus on remembering to wish them a Merry Christmas/whatever instead of always making sure to celebrate their birthday. Or, if you do have a good idea for a gift, maybe send it to them a few weeks before or after their birthday and say it's late/early birthday present. This might help to separate out "it's important to celebrate my friends and make them feel special" from "it's important to make Birthdays a big deal"
posted by JZig at 5:59 PM on April 3, 2022 [7 favorites]
I could have posted this. If people don’t know something is important to you, and you don’t tell them - well they will never know. For the relationships that are important, tell them how you feel.
And hey, I heard it was your birthday. Sorry it’s a bit late - happy birthday. Glad you’re around.
posted by zenon at 6:03 PM on April 3, 2022 [30 favorites]
And hey, I heard it was your birthday. Sorry it’s a bit late - happy birthday. Glad you’re around.
posted by zenon at 6:03 PM on April 3, 2022 [30 favorites]
A lot of your posts center around trying to control your friend's behaviors. You can think about that as a general theme of your life and practice acceptance of your friend's behaviors.
posted by saturdaymornings at 6:08 PM on April 3, 2022 [38 favorites]
posted by saturdaymornings at 6:08 PM on April 3, 2022 [38 favorites]
Data point: Birthday-wise, I am your complete opposite.
I hide my birthday on social media to prevent anyone from being notified, and giving me some kind of what I feel like is lip-service token of attention just because Facebook reminded them to do so.... and in my mind, this also absolves me of having to do the same for them.
You mentioned it yourself, it feels transactional to me, so I choose to just opt out of the whole charade to the extent that I can... People who I am closer to, I obviously wish a happy day, but otherwise uggh... I'm sorry but we're not all "birthday people".
posted by wats at 6:18 PM on April 3, 2022 [16 favorites]
I hide my birthday on social media to prevent anyone from being notified, and giving me some kind of what I feel like is lip-service token of attention just because Facebook reminded them to do so.... and in my mind, this also absolves me of having to do the same for them.
You mentioned it yourself, it feels transactional to me, so I choose to just opt out of the whole charade to the extent that I can... People who I am closer to, I obviously wish a happy day, but otherwise uggh... I'm sorry but we're not all "birthday people".
posted by wats at 6:18 PM on April 3, 2022 [16 favorites]
In your celebration of others’ birthdays, it sounds like you might be giving beyond your capacity.
I’m a kind person, and I do a lot for others, but I used to feel kind of resentful when other people didn’t reciprocate the kind things I did for them.
Then I realized, the root problem was that the kind things I was doing for others weren’t bringing ME joy. The only thing that brought me joy was the hope of them reciprocating in the future, which often didn’t happen, hence the resentment.
Since then I’ve been trying to focus my kind actions on things that actually bring me joy in the moment. For example, cooking food for a friend that’s also my favorite food to cook. It’s made a huge difference, and I rarely have resentment over that kind of thing anymore. If I do, I take that as a sign I was giving too much, and scale back or change the way I give so I’m not exceeding my capacity.
posted by mekily at 6:20 PM on April 3, 2022 [69 favorites]
I’m a kind person, and I do a lot for others, but I used to feel kind of resentful when other people didn’t reciprocate the kind things I did for them.
Then I realized, the root problem was that the kind things I was doing for others weren’t bringing ME joy. The only thing that brought me joy was the hope of them reciprocating in the future, which often didn’t happen, hence the resentment.
Since then I’ve been trying to focus my kind actions on things that actually bring me joy in the moment. For example, cooking food for a friend that’s also my favorite food to cook. It’s made a huge difference, and I rarely have resentment over that kind of thing anymore. If I do, I take that as a sign I was giving too much, and scale back or change the way I give so I’m not exceeding my capacity.
posted by mekily at 6:20 PM on April 3, 2022 [69 favorites]
I had one of these “I show love by X; if they X to me then they love and SEE me too” habits also.
What helped was:
- my husband literally telling me I had built a story in my head and was ricocheting all around because of it
- meditating very deeply on how other people show love differently
- realizing that I may love others more than they love me and that’s ok
- realizing this tit for tat mentality was kinda manipulative and gross actually; and X might not land as warmly for them as I think I do while I’m congratulating myself in my head for it
- being crazy busy and having kids / turning 40.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:39 PM on April 3, 2022 [27 favorites]
What helped was:
- my husband literally telling me I had built a story in my head and was ricocheting all around because of it
- meditating very deeply on how other people show love differently
- realizing that I may love others more than they love me and that’s ok
- realizing this tit for tat mentality was kinda manipulative and gross actually; and X might not land as warmly for them as I think I do while I’m congratulating myself in my head for it
- being crazy busy and having kids / turning 40.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:39 PM on April 3, 2022 [27 favorites]
When you say you’re a “birthday person,” what does that mean to you?
I’m also way off the other end of the spectrum from you, and my husband is even further out. Neither of us particularly liked to have our birthdays celebrated other than quietly at home. I hate logging onto social media around my birthday. I have a few friends who used to want to do something for my birthday and I had to train them out of it. It wasn’t a huge deal but it was really nice that they listened to me about it. And although I *really* believe in just - taking joy in my friends’ joys and trying to be there with them, I also just really *don’t* get the whole birthday thing after about the age of late 20s. Like, getting a group of people who may or may not get along together every year for the birthday, or else the birthday person has to go out on 15-20 coffee/dinner/dates in the same week? Like, for me it didn’t…scale well or something.
So I legitimately, if you were my friend telling me this, would want to know what makes a “birthday person” for you, because to me if it’s this charged for you on both ends I must be missing something. I mean, if we were friends I’d try to put a note in my calendar because I would not want you feeling badly! But I would wonder what it all means to you, in way - what’s missing in our ongoing friendship that you would be waiting for a text on that day to see if I cared.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:41 PM on April 3, 2022 [6 favorites]
I’m also way off the other end of the spectrum from you, and my husband is even further out. Neither of us particularly liked to have our birthdays celebrated other than quietly at home. I hate logging onto social media around my birthday. I have a few friends who used to want to do something for my birthday and I had to train them out of it. It wasn’t a huge deal but it was really nice that they listened to me about it. And although I *really* believe in just - taking joy in my friends’ joys and trying to be there with them, I also just really *don’t* get the whole birthday thing after about the age of late 20s. Like, getting a group of people who may or may not get along together every year for the birthday, or else the birthday person has to go out on 15-20 coffee/dinner/dates in the same week? Like, for me it didn’t…scale well or something.
So I legitimately, if you were my friend telling me this, would want to know what makes a “birthday person” for you, because to me if it’s this charged for you on both ends I must be missing something. I mean, if we were friends I’d try to put a note in my calendar because I would not want you feeling badly! But I would wonder what it all means to you, in way - what’s missing in our ongoing friendship that you would be waiting for a text on that day to see if I cared.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:41 PM on April 3, 2022 [6 favorites]
Happy birthday. 🎁
Maybe it would help to take a deep breath, wish a person a happy birthday and then — just release that birthday energy into the universe. That’s it! There’s no reciprocity. There are no expectations. You put it out there because you wanted it for them. And that’s enough.
posted by fruitslinger at 6:43 PM on April 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
Maybe it would help to take a deep breath, wish a person a happy birthday and then — just release that birthday energy into the universe. That’s it! There’s no reciprocity. There are no expectations. You put it out there because you wanted it for them. And that’s enough.
posted by fruitslinger at 6:43 PM on April 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
Non-reciprocity in relationships is really hard for me too. I have gotten better at being okay with it if people reciprocate in ways that are DIFFERENT from the things I provide them: while I'll check in when I know they had something stressful going on and they won't, they might help me with some house project. Are you otherwise satisfied with these relationships, or is this part of a trend of feeling not cared for?
If this is an aberration, I found it helpful to specifically remind myself of the ways my friends DO treat me well, and to find other ways to meet the needs I wished they'd fill (for example, for a while I needed more physical touch than I was offered, and I started regular getting massages). Some ways of filling your own birthday needs might be to plan something AWESOME just for yourself or, if you have one or two friends to rely on in this way, just for a small group. Ideally, something that wouldn't work as well with a large group, so being small would be a BONUS. (And make it too distracting to check your texts and Instagram; you'll notice less who did and did not write to you if you aren't checking throughout the day.)
If this is just a symptom of a larger problem, that's harder (and one I experience too; in general I tend to be more invested in friendships than most people are). Think on whether you want to expand or contract your social circle, or whether you need to find ways with being okay with consistently giving more than you get back. At different points in my life I've used different strategies for that.
posted by metasarah at 6:45 PM on April 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
If this is an aberration, I found it helpful to specifically remind myself of the ways my friends DO treat me well, and to find other ways to meet the needs I wished they'd fill (for example, for a while I needed more physical touch than I was offered, and I started regular getting massages). Some ways of filling your own birthday needs might be to plan something AWESOME just for yourself or, if you have one or two friends to rely on in this way, just for a small group. Ideally, something that wouldn't work as well with a large group, so being small would be a BONUS. (And make it too distracting to check your texts and Instagram; you'll notice less who did and did not write to you if you aren't checking throughout the day.)
If this is just a symptom of a larger problem, that's harder (and one I experience too; in general I tend to be more invested in friendships than most people are). Think on whether you want to expand or contract your social circle, or whether you need to find ways with being okay with consistently giving more than you get back. At different points in my life I've used different strategies for that.
posted by metasarah at 6:45 PM on April 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
I’m gonna echo fruitslinger and wish you a happy birthday. Happy Birthday, dubious dude!
Will I remember next year? Probably not. If it’s your birthday and we are at a bar, I might buy you a drink if I can get there first or second. I’m not really a birthday person though I don’t hate them. Once you’re over 21 (U.S.), birthdays take a variety of significance from nothing to still-very-important and some of this will be your friend group. I think it’s so sweet that you make stories or reels or whatever to celebrate your friends. But, I could never reciprocate because I find that stuff very fiddly and I’m terrible at being prepared. I also have strong feelings/anxieties/aversions to compulsory gift giving. I literally talked about this with my therapist a week ago.
What I’m saying is, there’s a range. And I’m so sorry that you aren’t finding that mirror for what you want. I started a birthday tradition for myself which is a low-key “donuts in the park” thing. I invite just about everyone I know which means I don’t notice who doesn’t show up. I bring all the donuts, coffee (from the donut store), fruit, juice, picnic plates. I also do this because my friends have kids. So the kids run around and whoever shows up does and whoever doesn’t, it doesn’t matter. It sidesteps all the birthday expectations and is a very reasonable cash outlay on my part. Will you borrow this idea this year and see how it goes and how you feel? I’ve done it in the parking lot of a botanical garden, at a rose garden, at many playground areas (YMMV). There’s some people I only see at this annual event!
posted by amanda at 6:56 PM on April 3, 2022 [7 favorites]
Will I remember next year? Probably not. If it’s your birthday and we are at a bar, I might buy you a drink if I can get there first or second. I’m not really a birthday person though I don’t hate them. Once you’re over 21 (U.S.), birthdays take a variety of significance from nothing to still-very-important and some of this will be your friend group. I think it’s so sweet that you make stories or reels or whatever to celebrate your friends. But, I could never reciprocate because I find that stuff very fiddly and I’m terrible at being prepared. I also have strong feelings/anxieties/aversions to compulsory gift giving. I literally talked about this with my therapist a week ago.
What I’m saying is, there’s a range. And I’m so sorry that you aren’t finding that mirror for what you want. I started a birthday tradition for myself which is a low-key “donuts in the park” thing. I invite just about everyone I know which means I don’t notice who doesn’t show up. I bring all the donuts, coffee (from the donut store), fruit, juice, picnic plates. I also do this because my friends have kids. So the kids run around and whoever shows up does and whoever doesn’t, it doesn’t matter. It sidesteps all the birthday expectations and is a very reasonable cash outlay on my part. Will you borrow this idea this year and see how it goes and how you feel? I’ve done it in the parking lot of a botanical garden, at a rose garden, at many playground areas (YMMV). There’s some people I only see at this annual event!
posted by amanda at 6:56 PM on April 3, 2022 [7 favorites]
It is story time.
Twenty or so years ago on my birthday, I got a mysterious email from The Universe. Literally: it was from universe.net or something, and it was signed the Universe. The Universe was wishing me a happy birthday, and I was thrilled! God, it made my day. I told my fiancé about it, polled my friends to see who signed me up for this delightful thing. No one admitted it, they were a little bemused, and then I forgot about it until the following year — when I was thrilled again! It felt like such a giant sunbeam of goodwill from someone who really liked me. Someone had really wanted to make me feel loved by the universe and it worked.
I never did figure it out until a couple years ago I thought to Google something like “birthday email from the universe.” And I immediately found the website, outdated but very much a going concern. The website where you were invited to sign yourself up for birthday wishes from the universe. And it suddenly rang a vague bell, and I realized I had given myself almost two decades of mystery birthday delight! For free, by just randomly signing up for something and forgetting about it.
I guess I’m wondering if there are ways you could shower yourself with birthday happiness instead of your friends.
And one more thing: Happy Birthday from THE UNIVERSE! The entire cosmos is focusing its best wishes on you, don’t worry, it’s not a radiation thing.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:08 PM on April 3, 2022 [41 favorites]
Twenty or so years ago on my birthday, I got a mysterious email from The Universe. Literally: it was from universe.net or something, and it was signed the Universe. The Universe was wishing me a happy birthday, and I was thrilled! God, it made my day. I told my fiancé about it, polled my friends to see who signed me up for this delightful thing. No one admitted it, they were a little bemused, and then I forgot about it until the following year — when I was thrilled again! It felt like such a giant sunbeam of goodwill from someone who really liked me. Someone had really wanted to make me feel loved by the universe and it worked.
I never did figure it out until a couple years ago I thought to Google something like “birthday email from the universe.” And I immediately found the website, outdated but very much a going concern. The website where you were invited to sign yourself up for birthday wishes from the universe. And it suddenly rang a vague bell, and I realized I had given myself almost two decades of mystery birthday delight! For free, by just randomly signing up for something and forgetting about it.
I guess I’m wondering if there are ways you could shower yourself with birthday happiness instead of your friends.
And one more thing: Happy Birthday from THE UNIVERSE! The entire cosmos is focusing its best wishes on you, don’t worry, it’s not a radiation thing.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:08 PM on April 3, 2022 [41 favorites]
A friend of mine could have written this post. She goes extremely all out for birthdays (we celebrated mine early yesterday and there was a giant stuffie, gift basket, gift basket for my mom, out to lunch, dessert, handmade ice cream and cupcakes), and she gets really upset and mad when people don't do the same for her.
Unfortunately, you can't make people reciprocate like you do. You just can't. I always tell her to dial it back with anyone who doesn't appreciate what she does and try to detach from all the emotions. She occasionally does this with some people eventually, but not everybody.
Also, late happy birthday. Sorry to hear this bummed you out and that it was a Covid birthday on top of that :(
(chesty_a_arthur, that's an adorable story, though I tried to find that website and I guess it's defunct now? This and this are as close as I got, though it's messages in general.)
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:17 PM on April 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
Unfortunately, you can't make people reciprocate like you do. You just can't. I always tell her to dial it back with anyone who doesn't appreciate what she does and try to detach from all the emotions. She occasionally does this with some people eventually, but not everybody.
Also, late happy birthday. Sorry to hear this bummed you out and that it was a Covid birthday on top of that :(
(chesty_a_arthur, that's an adorable story, though I tried to find that website and I guess it's defunct now? This and this are as close as I got, though it's messages in general.)
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:17 PM on April 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
Birthdays aren't important social events for most adults. They're just not. I literally had to do arithmetic the other day because I couldn't remember how old I am.
It's fine to be an outlier, but your interest in birthdays is unusual, and most people just aren't going to have any instinct to do the things you do, even if you model it for them. It just isn't most people's thing, so expecting people you know to go outside their more conventional mode of behavior is just setting yourself up for disappointment.
But you like your birthday and it's important to you, so by all means make it a day when you treat yourself! A lifelong tradition of making it a day when you get YOURSELF pampered in whatever way you love is going to get you a lot of awesome experiences. Save up, research the best birthday meal or excursion or massage technique or book or whatever you like, and count on yourself to make it awesome every year.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:29 PM on April 3, 2022 [10 favorites]
It's fine to be an outlier, but your interest in birthdays is unusual, and most people just aren't going to have any instinct to do the things you do, even if you model it for them. It just isn't most people's thing, so expecting people you know to go outside their more conventional mode of behavior is just setting yourself up for disappointment.
But you like your birthday and it's important to you, so by all means make it a day when you treat yourself! A lifelong tradition of making it a day when you get YOURSELF pampered in whatever way you love is going to get you a lot of awesome experiences. Save up, research the best birthday meal or excursion or massage technique or book or whatever you like, and count on yourself to make it awesome every year.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:29 PM on April 3, 2022 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: ^ fingersandtoes Really? Then why are my friends showcasing their own friends on their IG stories when wishing them happy birthday? I literally can see a gaggle of 2-3 friends everyday posting an old picture of a friend or family member on their stories and wishing them a happy birthday. They're adults, they're the same-ish age as me.
If this is just a symptom of a larger problem, that's harder (and one I experience too; in general I tend to be more invested in friendships than most people are).
It's part of a larger problem, yes. I often invest more in my friendships than they do in me. It often makes me feel unliked, or makes me wonder what I did that wasn't enough for them to "like" me back at the same level.
posted by dubious_dude at 7:33 PM on April 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
If this is just a symptom of a larger problem, that's harder (and one I experience too; in general I tend to be more invested in friendships than most people are).
It's part of a larger problem, yes. I often invest more in my friendships than they do in me. It often makes me feel unliked, or makes me wonder what I did that wasn't enough for them to "like" me back at the same level.
posted by dubious_dude at 7:33 PM on April 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
but on another level, it's difficult to wrap my head around this: it's not that frigging hard to send a birthday text. A simple "happy birthday!" will suffice. Two. Words.
I also make sure to treat my friends to birthday dinners/lunches/coffees/whatnot, of course
I wanted to take the time to speak to you about this because I am someone whose views on birthdays have shifted over time. Ie - once upon a time I would have been your perfect birthday friend, and now I'm not. I would like to explain why, to potentially give some perspective!
When I was younger, I didn't just wish people happy birthday, I bought them all birthday presents. It was important to me. As someone's birthday got closer, I would try to figure out who was hosting their birthday party, because it was incredibly important.
Then I got older, but more importantly, I didn't just get older, I also got comparatively poorer. I started looking at birthdays and feeling anxious, because they were an expense - and often, an expense I couldn't afford. And just as I got comparatively poorer, eating out and gifts got more expensive. Attending a birthday party often meant paying for a dinner out and buying a gift - and I would look down the barrel of that and stress and have anxiety about how I would possibly accomplish it.
And at some point, I stopped acknowledging birthdays. I stopped acknowledging my own, I stopped acknowledging my close loved ones, because I felt so bad that I couldn't do them the birthday justice I thought they deserved. Remembering their birthday but not giving them a gift, felt, to me, like it was a bigger deal than just seeming not to be aware of the birthday. Acknowledging the birthday felt dangerous, like I might be put on the hook to take the birthday person out to a dinner or event I couldn't afford.
You say that some of these people celebrate other birthdays - and I wonder if this is part of what's going on, because I found it still very easy to acknowledge the birthdays of people where no gift-giving level of closeness was expected. I could celebrate an acquaintance's birthday on social media, because there was no stress there, no 'hey so we're going out for drinks, right?' I didn't call my own father on his birthday - a father I dearly love - because I felt so ashamed of not having the money to get him even a small gift.
Anyway - I'm not sure if this is what's going on, or not - but it might be. There are so many reasons that people can't engage. You are a gift-giver, that means that implications of reciprocity, as you say, exist. Perhaps people are unable to respond in kind and feel badly about treating you unevenly.
posted by corb at 7:40 PM on April 3, 2022 [14 favorites]
I also make sure to treat my friends to birthday dinners/lunches/coffees/whatnot, of course
I wanted to take the time to speak to you about this because I am someone whose views on birthdays have shifted over time. Ie - once upon a time I would have been your perfect birthday friend, and now I'm not. I would like to explain why, to potentially give some perspective!
When I was younger, I didn't just wish people happy birthday, I bought them all birthday presents. It was important to me. As someone's birthday got closer, I would try to figure out who was hosting their birthday party, because it was incredibly important.
Then I got older, but more importantly, I didn't just get older, I also got comparatively poorer. I started looking at birthdays and feeling anxious, because they were an expense - and often, an expense I couldn't afford. And just as I got comparatively poorer, eating out and gifts got more expensive. Attending a birthday party often meant paying for a dinner out and buying a gift - and I would look down the barrel of that and stress and have anxiety about how I would possibly accomplish it.
And at some point, I stopped acknowledging birthdays. I stopped acknowledging my own, I stopped acknowledging my close loved ones, because I felt so bad that I couldn't do them the birthday justice I thought they deserved. Remembering their birthday but not giving them a gift, felt, to me, like it was a bigger deal than just seeming not to be aware of the birthday. Acknowledging the birthday felt dangerous, like I might be put on the hook to take the birthday person out to a dinner or event I couldn't afford.
You say that some of these people celebrate other birthdays - and I wonder if this is part of what's going on, because I found it still very easy to acknowledge the birthdays of people where no gift-giving level of closeness was expected. I could celebrate an acquaintance's birthday on social media, because there was no stress there, no 'hey so we're going out for drinks, right?' I didn't call my own father on his birthday - a father I dearly love - because I felt so ashamed of not having the money to get him even a small gift.
Anyway - I'm not sure if this is what's going on, or not - but it might be. There are so many reasons that people can't engage. You are a gift-giver, that means that implications of reciprocity, as you say, exist. Perhaps people are unable to respond in kind and feel badly about treating you unevenly.
posted by corb at 7:40 PM on April 3, 2022 [14 favorites]
This might be (?) the oddest answer to your question, but I think it is an answer.
When I was very young I had medical problems which were apparent and invited questions and sometimes teasing from other children. Even then I realized there were a whole lot of people on the planet and I really didn't want to repeat all the details to everyone I encountered, so I became very focused on privacy (a.k.a., tell them the minimum and run away).
As I got older my condition was addressed and life got easier. But my "privacy is high priority" psyche was set in concrete. So when pressed to explain why I didn't do something that everyone else did, or why I had an opinion that others didn't share, I would say: "If tomorrow you showed up and only had one arm, I would ask you if you were in an accident. If you said No, I would never ask you again. Period." If they still pressed me I would say "I just explained to you my feelings on privacy, that should answer your question."
Early in our marriage my wife and I became good friends with a coworker and his wife. Unfortunately they were very social and would drop by unannounced, play practical jokes, or try to draw me into situations I wasn't comfortable with. You can guess how that went.
Later in life as I changed employers I would attempt to stay in contact with some of my good friends at the prior job(s), but that only worked sometimes. But I never pressed because "privacy".
I guess I am saying it can be difficult to interpret the intentions of others based on their actions (except crazy drivers, there's no doubt there).
Or, to put it another way, did you choose your friends because you felt they were consistently conscientious, fair and generous? Or do you think by acting as a role model they will acquire those traits?
posted by forthright at 7:45 PM on April 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
When I was very young I had medical problems which were apparent and invited questions and sometimes teasing from other children. Even then I realized there were a whole lot of people on the planet and I really didn't want to repeat all the details to everyone I encountered, so I became very focused on privacy (a.k.a., tell them the minimum and run away).
As I got older my condition was addressed and life got easier. But my "privacy is high priority" psyche was set in concrete. So when pressed to explain why I didn't do something that everyone else did, or why I had an opinion that others didn't share, I would say: "If tomorrow you showed up and only had one arm, I would ask you if you were in an accident. If you said No, I would never ask you again. Period." If they still pressed me I would say "I just explained to you my feelings on privacy, that should answer your question."
Early in our marriage my wife and I became good friends with a coworker and his wife. Unfortunately they were very social and would drop by unannounced, play practical jokes, or try to draw me into situations I wasn't comfortable with. You can guess how that went.
Later in life as I changed employers I would attempt to stay in contact with some of my good friends at the prior job(s), but that only worked sometimes. But I never pressed because "privacy".
I guess I am saying it can be difficult to interpret the intentions of others based on their actions (except crazy drivers, there's no doubt there).
Or, to put it another way, did you choose your friends because you felt they were consistently conscientious, fair and generous? Or do you think by acting as a role model they will acquire those traits?
posted by forthright at 7:45 PM on April 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Your friend group does sound unusually invested in birthdays, for adults, compared to anyone I know! That makes it tricky to give advice that's right for your social circle. But I think it's rarely a bad idea to only invest a lot of your social energy/time in people/activities you find rewarding *regardless* of whether they're repaid the same way.
Maybe that means you only do birthday greetings for people who do them for you. Or maybe it means birthday greetings for people who make you feel loved and special in *some way* that fits their own style/habits. But it's okay to just stop doing birthday things where you'll feel badly if they're not reciprocated in kind.
I think in your shoes I'd focus on making nice birthday plans for myself, and also on spending some time noticing and appreciating the way my friends *do* show me love. It might be less upsetting that X didn't text you for your birthday if you remember that she supported you through a rough time or helped you with a project or baked you cookies or invited you to that fun event.
posted by Stacey at 7:47 PM on April 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
Maybe that means you only do birthday greetings for people who do them for you. Or maybe it means birthday greetings for people who make you feel loved and special in *some way* that fits their own style/habits. But it's okay to just stop doing birthday things where you'll feel badly if they're not reciprocated in kind.
I think in your shoes I'd focus on making nice birthday plans for myself, and also on spending some time noticing and appreciating the way my friends *do* show me love. It might be less upsetting that X didn't text you for your birthday if you remember that she supported you through a rough time or helped you with a project or baked you cookies or invited you to that fun event.
posted by Stacey at 7:47 PM on April 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
Happy Birthday!
It isn’t a flaw or defect to like birthday attention. (I never read the book, but I think it is what is called part of your love language.) But, past a certain age, I think birthdays are just a day and you should lighten up about your expectations. I would try to not make such a big deal out of people's birthdays.
In my family, we used to say “every day is Mother’s Day” –we did not need a specific day to honor and be thoughtful to our mom—it was something we practiced all year long. So, if your friendships are supportive and positive to you, recognize that.
posted by rhonzo at 8:23 PM on April 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
It isn’t a flaw or defect to like birthday attention. (I never read the book, but I think it is what is called part of your love language.) But, past a certain age, I think birthdays are just a day and you should lighten up about your expectations. I would try to not make such a big deal out of people's birthdays.
In my family, we used to say “every day is Mother’s Day” –we did not need a specific day to honor and be thoughtful to our mom—it was something we practiced all year long. So, if your friendships are supportive and positive to you, recognize that.
posted by rhonzo at 8:23 PM on April 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
I am you, for all intents and purposes. Maybe not about birthdays, but that's now. I used to get so hurt by my own expectations around my birthday that I was hurt every year. And then you know what I started doing?
Leaving the country. Seriously. I used to plan a trip overseas each year so that one year I was in Florence on my birthday.
Now that's pretty extreme and out of reach for a lot of people, but my point is I had to find a way to make it hard to be hurt. It's hardcore avoidance, but honestly, planning to do this to distract myself from issues like this really helped. Notice how I worded that though. I could never really get behind the "I'll celebrate me!" thoughts because it just made me feel lonelier. But couching things as a way to distract myself was a lot easier to do.
And it may sound ultra cheesy, but I will recommend the book The Five Love Languages. Not because I think everyone fits into the 5 archetypes there, but it did help me really learn that people express affection differently. And it helped me identify what I needed from my friends to feel loved (words of affirmation).
And finally, talk to your friends. I had some frank talks about needs with my very closest friends, expressing plainly what I truly needed from them. That is an important step. People are not mind readers.
But once you do all that you may still have to re-evaluate these friendships. One of those close friends was very frank in return and told me she could not, would not, be able to meet the needs I had expressed. I had to accept that. Except that I chose to end the friendship instead. You may have to seek out new friends that better meet your needs. They are out there.
And I don't think you're too old or whatever to want a happy birthday text. Bah on that.
posted by aclevername at 8:42 PM on April 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
Leaving the country. Seriously. I used to plan a trip overseas each year so that one year I was in Florence on my birthday.
Now that's pretty extreme and out of reach for a lot of people, but my point is I had to find a way to make it hard to be hurt. It's hardcore avoidance, but honestly, planning to do this to distract myself from issues like this really helped. Notice how I worded that though. I could never really get behind the "I'll celebrate me!" thoughts because it just made me feel lonelier. But couching things as a way to distract myself was a lot easier to do.
And it may sound ultra cheesy, but I will recommend the book The Five Love Languages. Not because I think everyone fits into the 5 archetypes there, but it did help me really learn that people express affection differently. And it helped me identify what I needed from my friends to feel loved (words of affirmation).
And finally, talk to your friends. I had some frank talks about needs with my very closest friends, expressing plainly what I truly needed from them. That is an important step. People are not mind readers.
But once you do all that you may still have to re-evaluate these friendships. One of those close friends was very frank in return and told me she could not, would not, be able to meet the needs I had expressed. I had to accept that. Except that I chose to end the friendship instead. You may have to seek out new friends that better meet your needs. They are out there.
And I don't think you're too old or whatever to want a happy birthday text. Bah on that.
posted by aclevername at 8:42 PM on April 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
A couple people have been dismissive and a little mean. An interest in enjoying birthdays doesn’t have to fade away because you’re what, a serious grown-up now? I may be totally off but I suspect you may live alone and/or have fewer regular social contacts than most people. And also this goddamn pandemic.
And this one day a year is supposed to be your day, so you hope your friends with their busy lives and families and partners and whatnot, will take a moment for you at least on this day.
Well, you’re not alone. And while I call bullshit on having to grow up and out of birthdays, reducing your focus on it might help your current problem. It should be clear this far down that there is a wide range of birthday opinion and some people do hate them. Also I wonder if this could be a regional thing, maybe in some places it’s frowned upon to throw birthday parties as an adult, unless for a child.
Happy Belated! Sorry that your friends suck in this area. Hopefully they are good friends generally.
posted by Glinn at 9:16 PM on April 3, 2022 [12 favorites]
And this one day a year is supposed to be your day, so you hope your friends with their busy lives and families and partners and whatnot, will take a moment for you at least on this day.
Well, you’re not alone. And while I call bullshit on having to grow up and out of birthdays, reducing your focus on it might help your current problem. It should be clear this far down that there is a wide range of birthday opinion and some people do hate them. Also I wonder if this could be a regional thing, maybe in some places it’s frowned upon to throw birthday parties as an adult, unless for a child.
Happy Belated! Sorry that your friends suck in this area. Hopefully they are good friends generally.
posted by Glinn at 9:16 PM on April 3, 2022 [12 favorites]
Happy birthday! And sorry you got Covid on your birthday - that stinks!
2 thoughts:
1. Covid has made almost all of my social interactions and friendships... weird. Like, everyone is emotionally fried and overwhelmed but also super sensitive. I have noticed this in myself (and almost everyone I know has expressed feeling similarly) - sometimes I'm a less attentive/present friend than I want to be, but also sometimes I'm way more attentive/thoughtful than usual but I'm also extremely sensitive to perceived slights/insults/injuries now, in a way that I don't think I was before. Add to this the fact that so much of my "socializing" has had to happen virtually for the past two years, plus "watching" friends socialize on IG is a recipe for disaster (we all know social media is designed to wreck your self esteem and make you feel left out). It's just a bad set-up all around.
2. Birthdays are like little attachment insecurity bombs - even if you don't want to care, you do. And that's ok. You're totally fine and your feelings are valid. I found a practical solution to my own similar feelings. I wanted to spend time with my friends on my birthday but felt weird about reminding/asking them to reach out to me, and then one year I just... got over myself. And started planning a little birthday gathering for myself and emailing about 20 friends a few weeks in advance to say "Hey! My birthday's coming up and I'd love to spend time with my favorite people. Please come over for (insert activity - one year we went snow tubing. Another year it was a make-your-own pizza party at my place)." Usually about half the friends I invited would show, and the other half would say "sorry we can't make it but happy birthday!" My birthdays are way more enjoyable now, and actually I don't even think it has to do with the "attention" from friends. Even if none of my friends could make it, it still feels good to invest time and care in myself by planning something I know I will enjoy and reaching out to the people I love. So I hope you find your version of that.
posted by sleepingwithcats at 9:16 PM on April 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
2 thoughts:
1. Covid has made almost all of my social interactions and friendships... weird. Like, everyone is emotionally fried and overwhelmed but also super sensitive. I have noticed this in myself (and almost everyone I know has expressed feeling similarly) - sometimes I'm a less attentive/present friend than I want to be, but also sometimes I'm way more attentive/thoughtful than usual but I'm also extremely sensitive to perceived slights/insults/injuries now, in a way that I don't think I was before. Add to this the fact that so much of my "socializing" has had to happen virtually for the past two years, plus "watching" friends socialize on IG is a recipe for disaster (we all know social media is designed to wreck your self esteem and make you feel left out). It's just a bad set-up all around.
2. Birthdays are like little attachment insecurity bombs - even if you don't want to care, you do. And that's ok. You're totally fine and your feelings are valid. I found a practical solution to my own similar feelings. I wanted to spend time with my friends on my birthday but felt weird about reminding/asking them to reach out to me, and then one year I just... got over myself. And started planning a little birthday gathering for myself and emailing about 20 friends a few weeks in advance to say "Hey! My birthday's coming up and I'd love to spend time with my favorite people. Please come over for (insert activity - one year we went snow tubing. Another year it was a make-your-own pizza party at my place)." Usually about half the friends I invited would show, and the other half would say "sorry we can't make it but happy birthday!" My birthdays are way more enjoyable now, and actually I don't even think it has to do with the "attention" from friends. Even if none of my friends could make it, it still feels good to invest time and care in myself by planning something I know I will enjoy and reaching out to the people I love. So I hope you find your version of that.
posted by sleepingwithcats at 9:16 PM on April 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
On re-read, I see that you already do plan birthday outings for yourself - which is great! - but friends flaking is not great. So maybe put the invite out but make sure the plan is really for you and is something you're excited to do. Take all that amazing birthday energy and love and care that you're giving to your friends and focus it back on yourself instead. Like, really embrace your birthday as a time to do some major self pampering and give yourself all the things you wish your friends would give you. I know this sounds like some cliched "love yourself first" advice, but honestly there is nothing quite like soaking in the most decadent bubble bath while eating your favorite food and then giving yourself the exact gift you wanted along with a letter about how great you are ;)
posted by sleepingwithcats at 9:30 PM on April 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by sleepingwithcats at 9:30 PM on April 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
I might have to either keep doing what I'm doing, but expect nothing back (that's the hardest part!), or reduce/discontinue my birthday activities and become lukewarm like them. Not exactly what I want to do, but I do need to figure out a way to protect myself/my emotions, particularly when it's my birthday.
To understand your question:
You want to stop this cycle. Part of it is practical, things you can stop doing, or do differently. Part of it is abstract, interrogating and challenging your assumptions and possible projection onto others.
What I'm hearing in your question is a lot of loneliness.
I would ask this. Do you feel close to your friends? Do they truly "see" you? Are they good friends? What does that mean to you, to be a good friend?
There are definitely some practical things that you can do. In your place, I would scale back all birthday related giving and organising completely.
It will be difficult. That's fine. Treat it as an opportunity to learn about yourself. Instead of trying to avoid the hurt feelings, notice them. Don't judge them.
Think about it as if you have a small child inside of you that needs love but doesn't know how to get it.
That small child who is excitedly preparing a birthday surprise for a friend that you, the adult with more experience, know that the friend does not want or care about.
This small child who is setting themselves up for disappointment.
Notice the urge to do the birthday stuff. Notice the cloud of emotions that gets kicked up. Name them clearly and non judgementally as you would to that small, well meaning child.
Soothe yourself with small things you enjoy to distract yourself from the hurt emotions.
Move on to something else in your thoughts.
It's easier to replace one habit with another, than to just stop, so see if there is a way to do that.
Accept that this process is going to be uncomfortable for a while. That's OK. There is a lot of hurt and loneliness that needs to be acknowledged. It's OK to be sad. It will pass.
Good luck, and happy birthday. 🌹🌹🌹🎂🌹🌹🌹
posted by Zumbador at 10:23 PM on April 3, 2022 [7 favorites]
To understand your question:
You want to stop this cycle. Part of it is practical, things you can stop doing, or do differently. Part of it is abstract, interrogating and challenging your assumptions and possible projection onto others.
What I'm hearing in your question is a lot of loneliness.
I would ask this. Do you feel close to your friends? Do they truly "see" you? Are they good friends? What does that mean to you, to be a good friend?
There are definitely some practical things that you can do. In your place, I would scale back all birthday related giving and organising completely.
It will be difficult. That's fine. Treat it as an opportunity to learn about yourself. Instead of trying to avoid the hurt feelings, notice them. Don't judge them.
Think about it as if you have a small child inside of you that needs love but doesn't know how to get it.
That small child who is excitedly preparing a birthday surprise for a friend that you, the adult with more experience, know that the friend does not want or care about.
This small child who is setting themselves up for disappointment.
Notice the urge to do the birthday stuff. Notice the cloud of emotions that gets kicked up. Name them clearly and non judgementally as you would to that small, well meaning child.
Soothe yourself with small things you enjoy to distract yourself from the hurt emotions.
Move on to something else in your thoughts.
It's easier to replace one habit with another, than to just stop, so see if there is a way to do that.
Accept that this process is going to be uncomfortable for a while. That's OK. There is a lot of hurt and loneliness that needs to be acknowledged. It's OK to be sad. It will pass.
Good luck, and happy birthday. 🌹🌹🌹🎂🌹🌹🌹
posted by Zumbador at 10:23 PM on April 3, 2022 [7 favorites]
I think your update has something important that wasn't really clear in your original post, at least to me. You're not sad because your friends don't do birthday things for you, you're sad because they don't do birthday things for you. They aren't averse to birthday wishes and IG stories, but somehow YOU aren't getting them.
Ok, if it were me I would be having some serious "I'm not very special to you" feelings from that. And it might be true! So, what else can you do / do you do to be close to your friends? Obviously the once annual reminder isn't hitting them the way it hits you. Which of them try to reach out to you, in one way or another, even if flaky, and can you focus on those friends a bit more and on appreciating and strengthening those relationships?
posted by Lady Li at 10:44 PM on April 3, 2022 [9 favorites]
Ok, if it were me I would be having some serious "I'm not very special to you" feelings from that. And it might be true! So, what else can you do / do you do to be close to your friends? Obviously the once annual reminder isn't hitting them the way it hits you. Which of them try to reach out to you, in one way or another, even if flaky, and can you focus on those friends a bit more and on appreciating and strengthening those relationships?
posted by Lady Li at 10:44 PM on April 3, 2022 [9 favorites]
Happy (belated) birthday, dubious_dude, hope you had a lovely day. Best wishes for finding people whose love you can see, even if not in your preferred channels, and avoiding those whose love really is absent.
posted by k3ninho at 11:35 PM on April 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by k3ninho at 11:35 PM on April 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Birthdays can be difficult, not least because of how damn personal they are. They cut to the quick of the self, they are literally about the day 'you' came into the world.
My experience of my birthday is a singularly negative one: as a teenager and young adult it was one of neglect, and letter one of disappointment (in myself(!) for not somethingsomethingsomething). My partner is almost diametrically opposed in sentiment and practice and it has been a difficult issue for us for the last 27 years (!) That is to say, I still hatehatehate 'my birthday' I hate every single aspect of it. Try, valiantly, every year, to avoid it or convince others to avoid it but, with my partner's help, I've tried to become more civil about it - yes, I desperately wish it would not be a thing. But it is, and I live (luckily, very gratefully and luckily) in a social network of other people and they don't all feel that way, and so I have to pull my head out of my ass on these occasions and though I have undeniable reasons and feelings about my birthday, they aren't the world, and tempering them has done me nothing but good. I have even, a couple times, enjoyed my birthday. (Though not last year, or the year before. Or the year before. But the year before that was terrific.)
Importantly, the difficulties I've had around the whole stupid topic have been a way for me to get under how/why I think of the world the way I do. It's been a productive learning process. I hope you're able to find a similar distance for yourself.
And happy belated!
posted by From Bklyn at 1:59 AM on April 4, 2022
My experience of my birthday is a singularly negative one: as a teenager and young adult it was one of neglect, and letter one of disappointment (in myself(!) for not somethingsomethingsomething). My partner is almost diametrically opposed in sentiment and practice and it has been a difficult issue for us for the last 27 years (!) That is to say, I still hatehatehate 'my birthday' I hate every single aspect of it. Try, valiantly, every year, to avoid it or convince others to avoid it but, with my partner's help, I've tried to become more civil about it - yes, I desperately wish it would not be a thing. But it is, and I live (luckily, very gratefully and luckily) in a social network of other people and they don't all feel that way, and so I have to pull my head out of my ass on these occasions and though I have undeniable reasons and feelings about my birthday, they aren't the world, and tempering them has done me nothing but good. I have even, a couple times, enjoyed my birthday. (Though not last year, or the year before. Or the year before. But the year before that was terrific.)
Importantly, the difficulties I've had around the whole stupid topic have been a way for me to get under how/why I think of the world the way I do. It's been a productive learning process. I hope you're able to find a similar distance for yourself.
And happy belated!
posted by From Bklyn at 1:59 AM on April 4, 2022
To those who are saying your friend group is weird or uniquely obsessed with birthdays, please know that in 2022 it is extremely normal to make ig story birthday posts, and for the birthday person to repost them. Like, extremely, extremely normal for any socially active friend group I’ve been involved in for maybe 7+ years now at least.
As for the rest: I can’t even tell you what my best friend’s birthday is. I can’t even remember what month it is. We’ve been friends for like 16 years. I just don’t care much about birthdays. As for making birthday posts, depending on the friend group, it seems like it can be a delicate calculus of social clout that often has little to do with the depth of the friendship, and something more to do with curation of a specific type? I really wouldn’t take it seriously, because there are so many social factors at play.
But also people might just be reacting to the zealousness of your passion, and it might be making them uncomfortable rather than appreciated? My social anxiety would go into overdrive if someone paid too much attention to my on my birthday. I’m just throwing it out there because a lot of people are socially anxious, esp the demographic that is making and sharing birthday posts in that way. So maybe they’re shutting down around it rather than dismissively excluding you? Just a possibility that I can relate to. Good luck shaking off the angst around the subject though.
posted by asimplemouse at 2:12 AM on April 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
As for the rest: I can’t even tell you what my best friend’s birthday is. I can’t even remember what month it is. We’ve been friends for like 16 years. I just don’t care much about birthdays. As for making birthday posts, depending on the friend group, it seems like it can be a delicate calculus of social clout that often has little to do with the depth of the friendship, and something more to do with curation of a specific type? I really wouldn’t take it seriously, because there are so many social factors at play.
But also people might just be reacting to the zealousness of your passion, and it might be making them uncomfortable rather than appreciated? My social anxiety would go into overdrive if someone paid too much attention to my on my birthday. I’m just throwing it out there because a lot of people are socially anxious, esp the demographic that is making and sharing birthday posts in that way. So maybe they’re shutting down around it rather than dismissively excluding you? Just a possibility that I can relate to. Good luck shaking off the angst around the subject though.
posted by asimplemouse at 2:12 AM on April 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
Most people are wrapped up in their own shit and bad at remembering things that are special for other people but don’t intersect directly with their own lives. Working through accepting this truth in therapy has made an incalculable positive difference to my life.
The above is hard for people like me and you, who try to go out of our way for others, to understand but it’s largely the way things are. In my 20s, my feelings were very frequently hurt by others’ seeming inability to show up for me in the way I needed. I was often So Disappointed ™️ and Unfairly Betrayed ™️, because I was Such A Good Friend and people never reciprocated in a way I found satisfactory. I mailed them a birthday gift across the country and they couldn’t be bothered to even RSVP to my wedding? Cue the rage! Cue 2 hours of proselytizing to my husband on how selfish everyone else is!
I had basically constant low level resentment and anger towards the people in my life, which did a real number on my quality of life.
Now, when I find myself getting upset that others aren’t doing what I would do in a situation, I redirect the energy I used to spend getting mad at them into doing something comforting and loving for myself. A long workout. A bubble bath. A drive for an iced coffee. An absorbing book. Blasting music and dancing around my house. Cuddling with my cat until he falls asleep and drools on me (if you have not tried this, it is oddly amazing).
The only person you control is yourself. You may as well spend your limited time and energy on this planet making yourself happy.
PS, I am rooting for you and you can borrow my cat if you need. Oh, and happy birthday! ♥️
posted by oywiththepoodles at 5:03 AM on April 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
The above is hard for people like me and you, who try to go out of our way for others, to understand but it’s largely the way things are. In my 20s, my feelings were very frequently hurt by others’ seeming inability to show up for me in the way I needed. I was often So Disappointed ™️ and Unfairly Betrayed ™️, because I was Such A Good Friend and people never reciprocated in a way I found satisfactory. I mailed them a birthday gift across the country and they couldn’t be bothered to even RSVP to my wedding? Cue the rage! Cue 2 hours of proselytizing to my husband on how selfish everyone else is!
I had basically constant low level resentment and anger towards the people in my life, which did a real number on my quality of life.
Now, when I find myself getting upset that others aren’t doing what I would do in a situation, I redirect the energy I used to spend getting mad at them into doing something comforting and loving for myself. A long workout. A bubble bath. A drive for an iced coffee. An absorbing book. Blasting music and dancing around my house. Cuddling with my cat until he falls asleep and drools on me (if you have not tried this, it is oddly amazing).
The only person you control is yourself. You may as well spend your limited time and energy on this planet making yourself happy.
PS, I am rooting for you and you can borrow my cat if you need. Oh, and happy birthday! ♥️
posted by oywiththepoodles at 5:03 AM on April 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
I could have posted this. If people don’t know something is important to you, and you don’t tell them - well they will never know. For the relationships that are important, tell them how you feel.
I can't emphasize this enough. You aren't being fair to yourself or your friends by expecting them to read your mind. You should absolutely tell them that your birthday is very important to you, and it makes you happy to have people celebrate it. You should also probably remind them as it gets close to your birthday, as people can forget things and/or get busy.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:38 AM on April 4, 2022
I can't emphasize this enough. You aren't being fair to yourself or your friends by expecting them to read your mind. You should absolutely tell them that your birthday is very important to you, and it makes you happy to have people celebrate it. You should also probably remind them as it gets close to your birthday, as people can forget things and/or get busy.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:38 AM on April 4, 2022
A lot of what you write, in general, resonates with me- I'm also a person with anxious attachment who has often felt unimportant to others, like I care more. This has abated somewhat as I've gotten older but it's still a issue for me sometimes.
I hate to sound cliche but I think at the core of.of this is working on your own self-worth. I've noticed that the more I want or expect from others, even if not explicitly stated, the less I am inclined to get; people really do have a sixth sense about "neediness" and I think on a level people retract from being giving because they feel resentful/pressured that it is expected and wanted so much. Again, I know you're not explicitly stating these things but in general, people know when a friend is wanting and needing reassurance and they tend to retract from it even unconsciously. Which sucks because it then feels like it's reinforcing your fear/belief that you're unworthy. Which isn't true.
I think you seem like a compassionate, intelligent person with a lot to give who perhaps feels a bit unworthy which comes.across in interactions with others and enhances the above dynamic. So I think ultimately the answer lies in working on your self worth rather than focusing on specific scenarios and interactions. Not that the specific scenarios aren't important. But I do think you're placing more importance or significance on them in terms of your own self-worth than they really have. It's more about what's going on internally.
posted by bearette at 6:43 AM on April 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
I hate to sound cliche but I think at the core of.of this is working on your own self-worth. I've noticed that the more I want or expect from others, even if not explicitly stated, the less I am inclined to get; people really do have a sixth sense about "neediness" and I think on a level people retract from being giving because they feel resentful/pressured that it is expected and wanted so much. Again, I know you're not explicitly stating these things but in general, people know when a friend is wanting and needing reassurance and they tend to retract from it even unconsciously. Which sucks because it then feels like it's reinforcing your fear/belief that you're unworthy. Which isn't true.
I think you seem like a compassionate, intelligent person with a lot to give who perhaps feels a bit unworthy which comes.across in interactions with others and enhances the above dynamic. So I think ultimately the answer lies in working on your self worth rather than focusing on specific scenarios and interactions. Not that the specific scenarios aren't important. But I do think you're placing more importance or significance on them in terms of your own self-worth than they really have. It's more about what's going on internally.
posted by bearette at 6:43 AM on April 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
I have this same issue. I generally am unoffendable, but when it comes to my birthday, that is just different. I am now in my sixties and have known this about myself since my twenties. And it hasn't really changed despite employing many of the strategies noted above. So I do something for MYSELF on my birthday. This year I am going solo camping for a couple days and am getting excited about it.
Not everything needs deep introspection and emotional work. Sometimes you just need to get yourself a cupcake and go somewhere wonderful to eat it.
posted by eleslie at 6:48 AM on April 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Not everything needs deep introspection and emotional work. Sometimes you just need to get yourself a cupcake and go somewhere wonderful to eat it.
posted by eleslie at 6:48 AM on April 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Birthdays have the unfortunate property of happening at the same time every year. Unfortunate because for many people, specific times of year are overloaded, every year.
For me, it’s right about now. The end of the semester is approaching, the return of in-person conferences means work travel. There’s just a lot going on, and that is particularly bad every April.
It’s not just academics like me; accountants have a high season (also right now), so does retail (often December), and there’s yearly events for family reasons too (school starts at the same time every year). So, some particular months are just busier than others. Chat with anyone with a late December birthday if you want an earful about this.
An option you could take, especially since this year got covid-cancelled for you, is to celebrate your half-birthday instead. You could do something not available on your normal day (walk in the snow? Go to a cider mill?). Friends who are always busy in the spring might have more time. (Some may be more busy though). Plus, since it wouldn’t actually be your birthday, you would feel ok about reminding people of the event— there’s no way for them to know otherwise.
Of course what you should really do is have a heart-to-heart with one or two of your closest friends about how you were hurt this year. Make sure they understand that it’s not just the covid cancellation you’re upset about, but something more longstanding too.
posted by nat at 7:32 AM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
For me, it’s right about now. The end of the semester is approaching, the return of in-person conferences means work travel. There’s just a lot going on, and that is particularly bad every April.
It’s not just academics like me; accountants have a high season (also right now), so does retail (often December), and there’s yearly events for family reasons too (school starts at the same time every year). So, some particular months are just busier than others. Chat with anyone with a late December birthday if you want an earful about this.
An option you could take, especially since this year got covid-cancelled for you, is to celebrate your half-birthday instead. You could do something not available on your normal day (walk in the snow? Go to a cider mill?). Friends who are always busy in the spring might have more time. (Some may be more busy though). Plus, since it wouldn’t actually be your birthday, you would feel ok about reminding people of the event— there’s no way for them to know otherwise.
Of course what you should really do is have a heart-to-heart with one or two of your closest friends about how you were hurt this year. Make sure they understand that it’s not just the covid cancellation you’re upset about, but something more longstanding too.
posted by nat at 7:32 AM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
It's part of a larger problem, yes. I often invest more in my friendships than they do in me. It often makes me feel unliked, or makes me wonder what I did that wasn't enough for them to "like" me back at the same level.
People know when their overtures toward others are being judged, and it makes them want to stop making those overtures.
You may not think of yourself as judging your friends when all you feel you want is what everyone else is getting, but it's what you're doing and it's an unpleasant vibe for them to pick up on. It's likely you and they are more alike than different here - they want to avoid that feeling of being judged for insufficient birthday/friend overtures as much as you want to avoid the pain of being judged as unworthy of birthday attention.
posted by headnsouth at 7:40 AM on April 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
People know when their overtures toward others are being judged, and it makes them want to stop making those overtures.
You may not think of yourself as judging your friends when all you feel you want is what everyone else is getting, but it's what you're doing and it's an unpleasant vibe for them to pick up on. It's likely you and they are more alike than different here - they want to avoid that feeling of being judged for insufficient birthday/friend overtures as much as you want to avoid the pain of being judged as unworthy of birthday attention.
posted by headnsouth at 7:40 AM on April 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
Your reply to fingersandtoes reminded me of my mom, nursing hurts over Facebook seeing a second order relation (think: wife of nephew) post about a happy family bbq to which my mom had not been invited. I told her to stop making it about her and rejoice in other peoples happiness. That happy celebrated birthday feeling you feel? That person is feeling it Right Now. So rejoice for them, be happy for them, and if you can’t, really sit with it until you unearth the pain driving your scarcity-mindset jealousy. And hug that pain till it softens. Give yourself the love you want from others.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:04 AM on April 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:04 AM on April 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: That is to say, I still hatehatehate 'my birthday' I hate every single aspect of it. Try, valiantly, every year, to avoid it or convince others to avoid it but, with my partner's help, I've tried to become more civil about it - yes, I desperately wish it would not be a thing.
Wow, thanks for sharing. That's what I love about AskMe, all the different perspectives.
Of course what you should really do is have a heart-to-heart with one or two of your closest friends about how you were hurt this year. Make sure they understand that it’s not just the covid cancellation you’re upset about, but something more longstanding too.
That's a good idea!
People know when their overtures toward others are being judged, and it makes them want to stop making those overtures.
You may not think of yourself as judging your friends when all you feel you want is what everyone else is getting, but it's what you're doing and it's an unpleasant vibe for them to pick up on.
How would that be? I don't show my hurt; it's an internal thing, and I don't say anything to my friends or present those feelings externally at all. Am I understanding you right that I am being judgmental and people are picking that up, even if I don't show it externally? Just wanted to clarify and make sure I understand what you mean.
posted by dubious_dude at 10:29 AM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Wow, thanks for sharing. That's what I love about AskMe, all the different perspectives.
Of course what you should really do is have a heart-to-heart with one or two of your closest friends about how you were hurt this year. Make sure they understand that it’s not just the covid cancellation you’re upset about, but something more longstanding too.
That's a good idea!
People know when their overtures toward others are being judged, and it makes them want to stop making those overtures.
You may not think of yourself as judging your friends when all you feel you want is what everyone else is getting, but it's what you're doing and it's an unpleasant vibe for them to pick up on.
How would that be? I don't show my hurt; it's an internal thing, and I don't say anything to my friends or present those feelings externally at all. Am I understanding you right that I am being judgmental and people are picking that up, even if I don't show it externally? Just wanted to clarify and make sure I understand what you mean.
posted by dubious_dude at 10:29 AM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Birthdays aren't important social events for most adults. They're just not.
This is really culturally determined. In my adult friend group we always fuss over each other for birthdays in some kind of way. I live in a rural area so maybe that is part of it, it's an excuse to get together, go out for drinks (in before times) and maybe make someone a funny card or something. One of the things I actually like about Facebook is the Happy Birthday Machine which churns out birthday greetings. If I find out it's someone's birthday and I like them I'll try to at least say something, send them a funny GIF, something. My sister's birthday was this past week and I went to visit her and my friend's birthday was this week and I gave her a little bag of "birthday snacks" when I saw her today. All of this to say: it varies.
However, it's definitely true that for some people birthdays aren't a big deal and maybe they are not aware it's a big deal to you. That is, maybe you play it more casual and just quietly stew over this kind of thing when you should be more open and up front about it. But also as other people have noted, this is a theme with you (the "I do more for my friends than they do for me and they are inconsiderate of my feelings a lot of the time" theme) and it may be worth interrogating this a bit more to see if it's literally true (in which case, maybe think about expanding your friend group to find more people like you) or it's a true-seeming feeling but not literally true in which case think about how that feeling serves you, if at all, and see if there's some other thing you can do that might help you get some perspective "Oh hey here's my brain focusing on ONEFRIEND not wishing me a happy birthday when many other friends did. Silly brain!"
I'm definitely someone who have had bad birthdays in the past because I had set it up in my mind to be one thing and it wound up being something else. I have gotten better at accepting what has been freely given from most of the world and trying to be clear with my partner what would make a nice birthday for me, because I think with a partner it's okay to be like "This is how I'd like to celebrate" but with friends it's nice to just be able to take what's given and figure that's enough.
posted by jessamyn at 2:47 PM on April 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
This is really culturally determined. In my adult friend group we always fuss over each other for birthdays in some kind of way. I live in a rural area so maybe that is part of it, it's an excuse to get together, go out for drinks (in before times) and maybe make someone a funny card or something. One of the things I actually like about Facebook is the Happy Birthday Machine which churns out birthday greetings. If I find out it's someone's birthday and I like them I'll try to at least say something, send them a funny GIF, something. My sister's birthday was this past week and I went to visit her and my friend's birthday was this week and I gave her a little bag of "birthday snacks" when I saw her today. All of this to say: it varies.
However, it's definitely true that for some people birthdays aren't a big deal and maybe they are not aware it's a big deal to you. That is, maybe you play it more casual and just quietly stew over this kind of thing when you should be more open and up front about it. But also as other people have noted, this is a theme with you (the "I do more for my friends than they do for me and they are inconsiderate of my feelings a lot of the time" theme) and it may be worth interrogating this a bit more to see if it's literally true (in which case, maybe think about expanding your friend group to find more people like you) or it's a true-seeming feeling but not literally true in which case think about how that feeling serves you, if at all, and see if there's some other thing you can do that might help you get some perspective "Oh hey here's my brain focusing on ONEFRIEND not wishing me a happy birthday when many other friends did. Silly brain!"
I'm definitely someone who have had bad birthdays in the past because I had set it up in my mind to be one thing and it wound up being something else. I have gotten better at accepting what has been freely given from most of the world and trying to be clear with my partner what would make a nice birthday for me, because I think with a partner it's okay to be like "This is how I'd like to celebrate" but with friends it's nice to just be able to take what's given and figure that's enough.
posted by jessamyn at 2:47 PM on April 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
I wish you could read Ask Polly's column today on substack; you have to be a paying subscriber. Even though the LW's question/situation is very different from yours, I feel Polly's advice applies to you in a lot of ways. E.g.:
"When you have high expectations of exactly how other people should act, you make it hard for them to bring their most loving, enthusiastic selves to the table. Even if most of these things remain unspoken, friends always know when you’re expecting too much from them. They can sense those times when your hope is likely to curdle into disappointment and blame. People in general have a Spidey sense for conflicted energy. They understand when you’re coming at them with “YOU’D BETTER LOVE ME MORE, OR ELSE!” vibes. You can casually say to some friends, “Hey, I want you to read this!” or “Check it out, I have a show at a local gallery, I hope you’ll go!” and then back off and let it go and some will show up and some won’t. But if you’re sort of looming around, hinting that if they don’t come through, they’ll be letting you down, people will back away from that energy, every single time."
headnsouth said similar as above, which you asked about in your follow-up comment. I hope this quote from Polly's advice clarifies things a bit more for you.
As my birthday gift to you, I would love to gift you a subscription to Ask Polly's substack newsletter (if you're not already subscribed) because I want you to read the whole thing because there's more that I feel would apply to you and it's so good (I feel unethical copy and pasting the entire thing for you when it's a piece for paying subscribers). A subscription can be for a month or a year. PM me your email address and I will do it (for anyone else reading this, if you want a subscription to her newsletter, I'll get you one too anytime you ask/see this, even years from now!). She has some free articles on substack if you want to check her out first, and she wrote for The Cut and The Awl previously as well.
Offer still stands whether you want this gift today, tomorrow, a month or a year from now or whenever. Bearing something unforeseeable, I'll still be on Ask Mefi - have been for years so why stop now lol. I've also seen and responded to your posts before.
Of course I hope you'll take me up on this but it's fine if you don't :)
posted by foxjacket at 4:20 PM on April 5, 2022 [13 favorites]
"When you have high expectations of exactly how other people should act, you make it hard for them to bring their most loving, enthusiastic selves to the table. Even if most of these things remain unspoken, friends always know when you’re expecting too much from them. They can sense those times when your hope is likely to curdle into disappointment and blame. People in general have a Spidey sense for conflicted energy. They understand when you’re coming at them with “YOU’D BETTER LOVE ME MORE, OR ELSE!” vibes. You can casually say to some friends, “Hey, I want you to read this!” or “Check it out, I have a show at a local gallery, I hope you’ll go!” and then back off and let it go and some will show up and some won’t. But if you’re sort of looming around, hinting that if they don’t come through, they’ll be letting you down, people will back away from that energy, every single time."
headnsouth said similar as above, which you asked about in your follow-up comment. I hope this quote from Polly's advice clarifies things a bit more for you.
As my birthday gift to you, I would love to gift you a subscription to Ask Polly's substack newsletter (if you're not already subscribed) because I want you to read the whole thing because there's more that I feel would apply to you and it's so good (I feel unethical copy and pasting the entire thing for you when it's a piece for paying subscribers). A subscription can be for a month or a year. PM me your email address and I will do it (for anyone else reading this, if you want a subscription to her newsletter, I'll get you one too anytime you ask/see this, even years from now!). She has some free articles on substack if you want to check her out first, and she wrote for The Cut and The Awl previously as well.
Offer still stands whether you want this gift today, tomorrow, a month or a year from now or whenever. Bearing something unforeseeable, I'll still be on Ask Mefi - have been for years so why stop now lol. I've also seen and responded to your posts before.
Of course I hope you'll take me up on this but it's fine if you don't :)
posted by foxjacket at 4:20 PM on April 5, 2022 [13 favorites]
I don’t think this really has anything to do with birthdays per se (though it is worth mentioning that your friends may not know it was your birthday; most people aren’t good about marking friends’ birthdays on their calendars.)
This is generally about feeling resentful when friends don’t reciprocate your investment/effort in the friendship. And I understand because I used to be the same way. I discovered that the solution is to stop doing things that make you resentful. If you know that Friend A never remembers your birthday, stop going above and beyond for theirs. Text them a simple “happy birthday!” and leave it at that (or don’t even do that, if even sending that simple text and not getting it reciprocated makes you feel resentful). Yes, in a perfect world you’d be able to keep doing over the top things for friends and never feeling resentful, but you’re human. Take care of your own mental health by nipping chances for resentment in the bud.
posted by sunflower16 at 3:53 PM on April 9, 2022
This is generally about feeling resentful when friends don’t reciprocate your investment/effort in the friendship. And I understand because I used to be the same way. I discovered that the solution is to stop doing things that make you resentful. If you know that Friend A never remembers your birthday, stop going above and beyond for theirs. Text them a simple “happy birthday!” and leave it at that (or don’t even do that, if even sending that simple text and not getting it reciprocated makes you feel resentful). Yes, in a perfect world you’d be able to keep doing over the top things for friends and never feeling resentful, but you’re human. Take care of your own mental health by nipping chances for resentment in the bud.
posted by sunflower16 at 3:53 PM on April 9, 2022
Oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! :)
posted by sunflower16 at 3:54 PM on April 9, 2022
posted by sunflower16 at 3:54 PM on April 9, 2022
This thread is closed to new comments.
As a general question, have you talked with some of your close friends about this? If they're close enough that their behavior can shake you like this, they should be close enough that you can deal earnestly with them. They might not know something's wrong. Or perhaps they figure "dubious_dude? What a giving guy! He clearly enjoys this, so I don't want to get in his way!" Or maybe they haven't given it as much thought themselves, but maybe that's a higher intensity of caring-about-birthdays than they would want to have signed up for if they had the chance.
It could be a lot of things, from person to person, but you don't know until you've talked about it.
keep doing what I'm doing, but expect nothing back (that's the hardest part!)
It might help if you tried separating this out in your mind. Right now it's "I put all this effort out there, to show I care, and I want it reciprocated, in the ways I feel are valuable." Understandable, but not helpful.
What if, instead, you frame it as "I put all this out there to show I care. *Also, and entirely separately:* These are the ways I see the people close to me showing that they care, in their own ways"?
That might help with the feeling of unequal reciprocity. (or maybe it really is more uneven than you can tolerate, in which case stepping back might be the right move)
Lastly, what does being your *own* friend look like in this? What would it look like if you treated yourself like you want to treat your friends/like you would want for them to treat you? You might surprise yourself, here.
posted by CrystalDave at 5:28 PM on April 3, 2022 [11 favorites]