Happy f'ing birthday to me.

October 29, 2018 7:25 PM

Today is my 51st birthday, and it really sucks. Can you give me some suggestions on how to somehow salvage it?

Today is my 51st birthday, and I'm just ... done? My husband is man-cold sick, and this morning told me that he hasn't gotten me a present (and did not encourage or remind our teenage son to buy me one). So no presents. I no longer eat grain, so no cake. He did offer to make me "anything I want" for dinner, but there is very little that would feel special for me that the rest of my family would be interested in eating, so I didn't really have any suggestions. (Also, I felt somewhat put on the spot being asked what I would want.)

Also, last year, for my 50th, it went about the same. If he got me a gift I don't remember what it was. I guess I must have had a cake. There was certainly no big celebration.

Last week we had department wide birthday celebrations for two coworkers (with cake) but since they all know here that I don't eat cake no cake or work celebration for me. (I'm not fixated on cake, I swear.) I did get one card from a co-worker. Yesterday we hosted a birthday party for a dear friend, and I cooked a large meal for her and guests, and we had many friends who brought her presents, and it was nice to see everyone, but there was no acknowledgement that my birthday is today.

On the upside, I got to see the Sox win the world series last night, so that was fun.

I have to take my kid to swim team at 630, which will eat up a couple of hours of my evening. Can you think of any way for me to somehow salvage the day?

I realize a discussion with my husband about expectations is in order, but I don't want to do that today and I resent doing the emotional labor of even having to have a "please make my birthday special like I do for you" conversation")

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (37 answers total)

While your kid is swimming, I would be taking myself to an upscale bar and ordering the fanciest, most expensive cocktails, and super deluxe bar snacks I could possibly find.
posted by nanook at 7:31 PM on October 29, 2018 [61 favorites]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
OMG, this could have been almost word-for-word me last year on my 50th. And I anticipate much the same again this year. If I were you, I'd look at swim club time as 2 hours of indulgence for myself. Do you have to stay there? If so, can you pick up some special things to enjoy while you sit and wait? I'd go for an indulgent (decaf!) coffee drink, some nice chocolate, and a beautiful print magazine that I wouldn't normally splurge on. I found myself wallowing in self-pity on my 50th, and even a few little pick-me-ups would have somewhat rescued my day. I hope you can find something special for yourself!
posted by Cloudberry Sky at 7:34 PM on October 29, 2018 [6 favorites]

in my town the Chinese reflexology/chair massage places are open late. They have salvaged many a crummy day for me. (Tip heavily.) Actually even the upscale places are often open late; it's worth a call to check.

Are you on a low carb diet? How about you take yourself out for a great steak and big ol glass of red wine? Bring a book you love, or swing by a store and buy a fun magazine to read while you eat.

Can you get a mani-pedi while kid is swimming? Or even just go makeup shopping? If there's a mall nearby you could get a makeover at the Benefit counter (or whichever you like) and buy the stuff.

Happy birthday, whatever you decide!
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:40 PM on October 29, 2018 [5 favorites]

Don't be shy about telling people that your birthday is coming up or here.

Happy Birthday!!!!

Yes, open up YELP and find a place to get gourmet something-- cheese, wine, figs, expensive fruit...
Indulge either while you are waiting for your kid or after dinner.
and don't share with anyone!!
if they ask, simply say--
it's my birthday!!!!
posted by calgirl at 7:41 PM on October 29, 2018 [5 favorites]

internet birthday wishes!!!!
posted by calgirl at 7:42 PM on October 29, 2018 [2 favorites]

The phrase “man-cold sick” makes me think you are feeling a lot of resentment toward your husband in general. Sorry things are rough.

Two things that might help. One is to plan to celebrate your birthday this weekend. Give yourself a few days to think of something that will feel fun and special for you.

The other is to get to the point where you feel okay about asking your husband for what you want for your birthday. It *would* be even nicer if your husband did some of the work of figuring it out himself, but for now leave that for later, don’t let that resentment mean that you never communicate your needs and desires.
posted by mai at 7:42 PM on October 29, 2018 [17 favorites]

While it won't be on your birthday go book yourself some time at a local spa, get a massage, book yourself into a nice hotel for one night and do whatever the eff you please, take a day-off from family and go to a movie/museum/hike all by yourself or with friends.

And chocolate mousse. Who cares about cake when you can have chocolate mousse!?!
posted by brookeb at 7:43 PM on October 29, 2018 [9 favorites]

Happy happy birthday! Treat yourself to something nice. Enjoy it and have a wonderful day!
posted by 4ster at 7:46 PM on October 29, 2018 [1 favorite]

Happy birthday! Is there still a chance for you to plan a getaway for yourself this weekend? I mean, if your husband and son aren’t going to celebrate, you are certainly justified in celebrating yourself, and they’ll have to pick up the slack. It’s quite nice of you to be taking your kid to the swim meet tonight - I hope he’s appreciative.

And maybe next year you can plan a night out or overnight trip with a friend? Since this isn’t a fluke and your family regularly falls down on celebrations for you.
posted by Knowyournuts at 7:49 PM on October 29, 2018 [12 favorites]

Hotels are open late, maybe go to a fancy hotel and have some dessert. If a drugstore is nearby, buy some bath bombs, light some candles and take a nice bath.
posted by saturdaymornings at 7:52 PM on October 29, 2018

This is probably too late to the game for tonight but I’d say “fuck ‘em” let them eat whatever they want at home and take myself out for fancy food, eat it there if I want to or take it to go (truly the greatest I diligence for me is paying restaurant prices for food I bring home for myself). I’d get a nice chocolate mousse as dessert. Get my nails done and call, even for a phone chat, my most reliable friend and let them hype me up about how great I am (even better if you can get the two of you out for some activity like bowling or movies or whatever you find fun). I would celebrate with the people who celebrate me
posted by raccoon409 at 7:59 PM on October 29, 2018 [20 favorites]

Oh gosh, this was awfully close to my 40th. Not good. I’d do something involving a sundae and a book, then wine and a king size hotel bed to myself.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 8:02 PM on October 29, 2018 [2 favorites]

If you have a favourite snack, go buy it; if you have a fave movie, watch it while munching on fav snack. Make the rest of your night about you, whatever you might feel like doing! Going out for a nice coffee/drink/treat during your son's swim is a good idea. If you need to shake off the lousy feelings, crank some feel-good music for a bit and drive around or go for a walk. I also agree with commenters about spelling out what you want next year, although I hear you on the emotional labour of having to do this (ughhh). And maybe prioritize a fun night out with friends next year, if that's something that you'd enjoy on your birthday. Or even a weekend trip. Sorry this one has been blah, but happy bday from an internet stranger!
posted by DTMFA at 8:04 PM on October 29, 2018

Oh and if you can- go buy yourself an awesome present, something you really want!
posted by DTMFA at 8:06 PM on October 29, 2018 [2 favorites]

Happy birthday!!

When this kept happening to me, what I did this year was make my own plans on my birthday. It wasn't actually even entirely what I wanted to be doing that day, in my heart of hearts, but I opted into something so I would be around people and I wouldn't be waiting for anyone to come through for me and be disappointed when they didn't. It was much better than waiting around for someone to do something nice for me. (The fact that I felt like that, well, it wasn't great, but I'm working on dealing with the issues that led to that.) Even just going out tonight to get tacos (or if that has too much grain, a taco bowl) or a drink by yourself might be nice.

Also, when I'm feeling like this, like I did today, just taking some time to go do a thing by myself for self-care can be comforting, even if it's not the regard and care I want from others. This afternoon, after a trying day, on my way to physical therapy, I went over there early, got myself what I wanted for dinner, and walked around a sculpture park for a half hour, admiring a sunbow, the sunset, the fall colors, the light on the trees and artwork, etc. I felt lonely, but I also enjoyed being taken out of my own misery for a while and engaging with something outside myself. Plus just walking around is a good thing. I recommend something like this for a reset; it might be too late today, but maybe tomorrow you could take some time for yourself to do a similar thing.

Otherwise? Well, I still have never forgiven the former friend whose birthday was the day before mine in college who, when it struck midnight on my birthday, just kind of shrugged about it and didn't rally anyone to say happy birthday or anything. So I'm sorry you've also had this happen! It's perfectly normal to feel put-upon when you go out of your way to celebrate someone's birthday and even cook for them and guests, and they don't even acknowledge yours. If you value this friendship, you'll likely have to find a way to deal with your feelings about that, one way or another, either by being radically candid with them and letting them know how it made you feel, or by pulling back, if it's not a friendship you value as much. The third option is to swallow your feelings and never say anything, and that would be unfortunate.

One way or another, do something for yourself, even if that's just going out for a movie or getting late-night tacos or a drink or curling up in a room by yourself and watching whatever you want and ordering delivery. Much love!
posted by limeonaire at 8:06 PM on October 29, 2018 [3 favorites]

there is very little that would feel special for me that the rest of my family would be interested in eating

Happy birthday!

If it were me, in this case, I would strongly consider ordering in and letting the people who don't want food that would feel special to you to eat something out of the fridge. I would ask for a coupon for a "do over" for my birthday where I would be a bit more specific about what I would like (you and the kid please get presents and make reservations for you and me at one of the places we like and handle it). I might take a friend or two out to lunch (depending how you are set for money, taking a friend out can be a nice thing to do for a birthday) sometime this week and I'd go buy a book I really wanted to read and wait for it to be delivered soon. And I think, again if it were me, I'd go for a nice long walk somewhere (even if I had to drive somewhere to go walking, I don't know what timezone you are on) and think a little bit about how to be a better friend to yourself and figure out what steps you can start taking over the next year to make your 52nd birthday not like the last two.

If celebrations are important to you, you may need to tell people. It feels like there may be a gap in there somewhere. As an aside, my 50th was this year and I simultaneously wanted to do a big thing and also couldn't DEAL with the idea of a big thing that was nominally for me but where I'd feel I had to make sure everyone else was having a good time. So we mostly did simple things (my boyfriend and sister on the day) and I tasked them with getting people to send me postcards for my birthday (extended birthday) and just Make It Happen (i.e. "no more questions, just do this, go") and it came out pretty nice. Birthday expectations can be tough, especially if you're at a weird place in your home life. It can be really tough to think about what you want when you've been so wrapped up with other people.

But for tonight, depending where you are, I'd take your spouse up on the "whatever you want" offer and either get dinner-for-you tonight or get a coupon for dinner for the both of you some other night when everyone's feeling it a little more.
posted by jessamyn at 8:11 PM on October 29, 2018 [13 favorites]

My husband is a gift giver/big deal maker. I use my birthday as an excuse to do something nice for myself. Shop on Amazon for some small splurge. Spend the evening deciding what small treat you are going to do for yourself.
I never worry about the day itself, I just vow to do something and planning can be just as fun as the result.
posted by ReluctantViking at 8:14 PM on October 29, 2018

Happy Birthday!

I hear ya. My husband's birthday is 2 days before mine, so he figures that anything we do for his also counts for mine. It's been that way for 20+ years. So, I take myself out! A couple years ago I went on a historic cemetery tour. I've done a night hike. I've taken myself out for Thai food. Signed up for a photography class where I chased wild horses around southern Missouri for a couple of days. YOU are worth it. Maybe look for a class or experience that you can indulge in sometime in the future? The anticipation is fun too.

Your emotions are valid. It sucks that he didn't acknowledge your special day. I'm so sorry. But I hope you can salvage your birthday. Look for a class, plan a mini trip, or go out and grab a cocktail and people-watch (hotel bars are particularly good for this!)
posted by Ostara at 8:22 PM on October 29, 2018 [5 favorites]

I'm 42 and I have pretty much given up on others recognizing my birthday except for my parents (and I'm married). That being said, it has given me the opportunity to give myself AMAZING presents each birthday. So, when I turned 40, I rode in a Mardi Gras parade. It is so nice when others recognize it is your special day, but that may not happen. So, recognize it for yourself.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 8:23 PM on October 29, 2018 [13 favorites]

Maybe make a bold pronouncement, like you are going to take up quilting, or painting, or underwater basketweaving, or whatever creative hobby you may be interested in starting. And then do some research and order some supplies, or find and visit the local shops that cater to your hobby.

When someone asks what you did for your birthday, then you have to say 'I decided to start [insert artistic project here] and got a bunch of supplies!' and that sounds pretty cool. And then they will forever have ideas about what to get you for future birthdays, so choose wisely.
posted by Little Dawn at 8:49 PM on October 29, 2018 [3 favorites]

Happy Birthday!

Can you call an Uber for the teen and do something that is a little bit more fun than ferrying the kid around and sitting in a parking lot? For me, that would be bookstore or library, then coffeeshop. And maybe if budget allows, a nice restaurant that works with your diet and let the rest of the bunch sort it out themselves.

If you’re more social than me, go out with a friend. Doesn‘t even have to be a big ‚birthday‘ thing, just take the liberty to not be at your family‘s beck and call for a couple hours, you know? I agree that big discussions are maybe better left to another day.

I hope you enjoy your birthday a little bit!
posted by The Toad at 8:54 PM on October 29, 2018 [2 favorites]

Happy birthday!

I spend my 35th birthday alone this year - it had been a rough few months and I didn't have the energy to organise anything. Several months down the line it's still memorable to me as a special birthday, even though no-one in my life went to any particular effort to make it special for me.

I did a high ropes course (nothing particularly wildernessy, it was at a tourist place attached to the local zoo), and then took myself out for a delicious dinner at a fancy local restaurant that i had always wanted to try. Somehow the physical exertion and adrenaline from doing something that frightened me (but was basically safe) made the food taste even better. It also felt sort of symbolic to me, like a tangible commitment to be bold and brave in the coming year.

Dining alone can be delightful - with no need to make conversation, you can really focus on the sensory experience of the food. Find somewhere with a degustation menu, and sit at the bar, if possible - it feels less lonely than sitting at a table. Remember that since it's just you, you can go somewhere three times as expensive as if you took your husband and son.
posted by embrangled at 9:16 PM on October 29, 2018 [4 favorites]

Won't help with the rest of today, but for next year, may I suggest this:

book a spa-day, a mani-pedi, a massage, a stay in a nice B&B with room service that has a menu that will let you order things you like to eat...something that you personally find appealing. For one person. Take a day off from taking care of other people; arrange to have others take care of you.

When you have that discussion with your husband about your need to be celebrated as much as he is celebrated, tell him (not ask, tell) that for one day a year, you're going to arrange to be the care-taken, not the care-taker. Maybe it'll be the day after your birthday. Maybe it'll be the weekend after your birthday. But try making it adjacent to your birthday.

And - happy birthday!! I'm sorry that it was kinda soggy-limp-noodle for you.
posted by Tailkinker to-Ennien at 9:23 PM on October 29, 2018 [2 favorites]

I feel you. My wife doesn't do shit for our wedding anniversary year after fucking year, even though I have the smallest, simplest desires AND I communicate them. It hurts my feelings badly every year. I'm sorry. Celebrate yourself. Go on a little shopping binge on Amazon, buy yourself nice treats, and allow yourself to be angry.
posted by studioaudience at 11:18 PM on October 29, 2018 [6 favorites]

Maybe too late to salvage the day but salvage the year! Do 51 things that you've been wanting to try. Or things that challenge you, excite curiosity in you! A new kind of make up, a new exercise class, martial arts, roller skating, hiking, take an afternoon off of work and go to the movies, go window shopping, read a book in a different subject or style than usual. Etc, etc. Express your wonderful self. Happy Birthday!
posted by goodsearch at 12:18 AM on October 30, 2018 [4 favorites]

I would communicate now, to both your husband and son about exactly how shitty they have made you feel. Cry, yell, whatever is cathartic. You have prioritized their feelings for so long they have stopped realizing you are a person with feelings too. They should walk away from the conversation feeling about two inches tall. Your husband can take the kid to swimming and you go indulge yourself. Spend way more than you are comfortable with. You are worth it.

Then make this year about you. Put yourself first, always. Stop spending so much to be at home. Cultivate friendships that make you feel good (takes time, hence you no longer having time to be home). Start planning something extravagant for your next birthday (a trip?).

Happy Birthday
posted by saucysault at 2:01 AM on October 30, 2018 [38 favorites]

Passive aggressive me would buy myself a decent priced gift, new handbag, fancy shoes, anything that would normally be outside of budget by a reasonable margin.

Not ridiculously spendy but something that you wouldn't normally buy. Is there something that would usually be off limits?

I would also book a manicure or similar and spend that time thinking about what I want to plan for myself for my next birthday so that I dont have the same disappointment next year.

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
posted by RandomInconsistencies at 5:31 AM on October 30, 2018

I agree with all of this and would like to add that your coworkers are jerks for not doing something for your birthday even if it doesn't involve cake. There are about a hundred things they could do instead so they need to come up with something next year.
posted by dawkins_7 at 7:09 AM on October 30, 2018 [5 favorites]

Get a nice massage this weekend. A nice fancy one, not some chair dealie. (Me and my friends often use the "birth month" concept to accommodate the fact that scheduling everything for one day with many people is hard. Totally legit.)

Happy birthday!!!
posted by praemunire at 7:40 AM on October 30, 2018 [3 favorites]

"Someone should be nice to me. It might as well be me."

That mantra alighted on my open mind six years ago in the middle of a miserable time, and I've held on to it ever since. Anyone in this thread who needs it can use it. Though I rather like saucysault's "You have prioritized their feelings for so long they have stopped realizing you are a person with feelings too."
posted by cocoagirl at 8:04 AM on October 30, 2018 [21 favorites]

Happy Birthday!

After I read your question, I had to walk away for a bit so I could do some internal screaming on your behalf. Your family's lack of effort/consideration, coupled with you doing that birthday-related work for others? Ouch. That wound requires a little extra care.

Can your husband do post-practice pick-up? Can you go out ALL BY YOURSELF after practice? I mean, seriously, can your nightly duties wait, or be done by your family instead? Can you journal, make a wish list, make a bucket list, spend a few hours firming up your ideas about what you want? Can you call a friend and do the catching-up you've been meaning to do? Can you get ingredients for something you want to eat, or collect supplies for something you want to make, or generally mess around a bit with that hobby you're interested in? Schedule a Nice Thing for you, and just you?

I guess what I'm saying is that you should do something to flex your boundary muscles. You deserve that, to feel like you can be in service to yourself, too.
posted by MonkeyToes at 8:08 AM on October 30, 2018 [5 favorites]

I'm reading the post timing as indicating that your birthday was yesterday - I hope the end of your day was as good as possible and salvaged some celebratory feeling. I'd strongly suggest instituting the "birthday week": declare to your husband and son that since they were sick and/or unprepared, and a Monday night is kind of a blah night for a celebration, let's make the real celebration on Friday. Tell them something you'd like to have happen - maybe that's a meal in and who cares if it's not their favorite, or maybe it's a meal out at someplace that everyone might find something good, or maybe it's a low-key meal at home followed by dessert out someplace, or maybe it's not about food but there's a concert/event/museum you want to go to. Point out to them how ice cream cakes are gluten free and (in the US) readily available at not only specialty ice cream shops but also your local supermarket; or pick some other dessert that you enjoy that they can write "happy birthday Mom" on top in frosting. You can't demand a thoughtful original present (those ideas either occur to me or they don't, and if it didn't that's basically the end of it), but you can suggest that getting you something to acknowledge the occasion would itself be thoughtful: pick a class of item that you might enjoy - candles, bath bombs, CDs, tea collections, fancy pens, good socks - and tell them that would be a good present this year.
posted by aimedwander at 9:56 AM on October 30, 2018 [2 favorites]

Happy Birthday! Sometimes we have to say what we want to get what we want. I think you've told us here, but you should be telling your husband and kid.

He did offer to make me "anything I want" for dinner, but there is very little that would feel special for me that the rest of my family would be interested in eating, so I didn't really have any suggestions.

Stop worrying about the rest of your family. What do you want? Tell him that and have him figure out a way to order it or make it. Your resentment towards your family is likely oozing out of you right now. There's no need to play the martyr. Answer this question honestly, and see what happens.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:36 AM on October 30, 2018

So sorry!
Also, many people celebrate their birthdays on the weekends. Today you can think, plan, and do something wonderful on the coming weekend :)
... I would go to some nice place like river, forest, park, mountains...
posted by Oli D. at 11:50 AM on October 30, 2018 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I'm ditto'ing a bunch of others. I've had to make my own celebrations for the past 6 or so years. (Divorce, mid-50s, and such.) Go to a bar, tell the bartender it's your birthday, and talk to the hot stranger next to you (platonically, of course). I usually then buy myself a bottle of something I'd normally think was too expensive and enjoy it over the next several months.

And if you have to fit that into time constraints, then one drink and the most expensive appetizer on the menu will do. I'm just suggesting a little emotional boost, not a wild night out.

You could also consider tonight the start of a week-long celebration. ("You choose what to make me for dinner. I'm not gonna tell you what to do. Step up, buddy.")
posted by booth at 12:47 PM on October 30, 2018 [1 favorite]

Oh, I missed your birthday! Happy un-birthday to you!!!!

I'm totally going with praemunire's idea and I hereby declare November as your official "Birthday Month." Anybody gives you any guff about it and you get October and November, which is only fair, since your birthday is on the cusp of the months... right? Right!!

Okay then... you need, in no specific order....
1) Chocolate. This is God's answer to a culinary orgasm. Caramel is a meh substitute for those who are agnostic about it.
2) Something hot and moist. Some time in a sauna, a hot tub, something in that nature. Does this mean a fitness club membership? Maaaaybe....
3) Mani-pedi. Go glam. You deserve portable artwork.
4) A new perfume. What is this season's scent? What makes you feel like a glamorous movie star? You walk by, heads turn, hearts melt.
5) Answer this question: I've always wanted to learn how to (blank). Take a class. Stop putting off personal achievement.

And remember, you are between street-legal and Social Security. Until you get some primo senior citizen discounts, age ain't nothin' but a number. You are vintage. Rock that with a vengeance.

Catch you next year!
posted by TrishaU at 8:44 PM on October 30, 2018

I'm really sorry this happened to you. I hope you were able to salvage your birthday somewhat!

One thing I haven't seen mentioned much above is your teenage son. For some reason, we as parents tend to forget that teaching kids to care about us is part of our job. We teach them to share with others, to say please and thank you, to be respectful and kind to others - but so many of us fail to teach them to think about their family members - the ones who do the most for them! I would sit your son down and tell him how this made you feel. It's your job to do this - to teach him to consider your feelings just like you consider his. You can't change your husband perhaps, but you can still help shape your kid into a man who notices and cares about his loved ones. This first time, I wouldn't come at it with anger; assume ignorance and provide guidance. Ask him for ideas on what he could have done differently, and how he will change in the future. Make it a productive conversation about actions and consequences.

I take some inspiration from Amy Chua here; I don't agree with all her views, but this part definitely resonates with me.
posted by yawper at 10:01 AM on October 31, 2018