Funeral smalltalk
April 2, 2022 1:41 AM Subscribe
Autistic (me - with new clothes) is travelling 12 hours with my brother to the only extended family that acknowledges us, to the funeral of the my aunt (married for 55 years to my blood uncle).
There was a long time our families were not in contact, but my uncle and cousin have been affectionate over Facebook for a good 10 years. My brother is really social so he will be fine, but I don't remember any personal communication with my aunt EXCEPT an email where she pushed me to follow through on a project with my uncle, which I was struggling with because I had "finished" the project multiple times and with my ADHD, my brain kept skittering off it. I can and will reframe that as her fierce and devoted love for him, for my uncle, but I need some small talk for other guests, and mourners. Please?
There was a long time our families were not in contact, but my uncle and cousin have been affectionate over Facebook for a good 10 years. My brother is really social so he will be fine, but I don't remember any personal communication with my aunt EXCEPT an email where she pushed me to follow through on a project with my uncle, which I was struggling with because I had "finished" the project multiple times and with my ADHD, my brain kept skittering off it. I can and will reframe that as her fierce and devoted love for him, for my uncle, but I need some small talk for other guests, and mourners. Please?
I’d just keep in mind that it’s totally normal to be withdrawn and not chatty at a funeral, of all places. You don’t have to make small talk if you don’t want to.
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:05 AM on April 2, 2022 [26 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:05 AM on April 2, 2022 [26 favorites]
People will likely be curious who you are and your relation to the deceased. You can say “[Name] is my uncle/cousin” or “I am [Name’s] niece/cousin” depending on who you are referring to. It is simpler to talk about the people who are alive at a funeral with people you aren’t close to, so frame things around you being there to support your uncle and cousin, and your relation to them. That way, you avoid having to use the past tense about your aunt, which can be a little upsetting or difficult.
It is absolutely okay to be quiet and withdrawn at a funeral or memorial service. If you begin to feel overwhelmed, tell your brother “I need to go somewhere quiet for a bit” and then do so. It is okay, and depending on the venue there is likely to be spaces specifically for that purpose. There might be a garden or courtyard with places to sit, or a side room, or even just a hallway or annex off a reception room with a bench or couch. Many places of worship have nooks specifically for prayer and reflection, and many funeral homes have small sitting areas or outdoor spaces. It really doesn’t matter if you need to go be quiet because you are sad about the deceased or you are overwhelmed by being sociable or for any other reason. You can also say to anyone “excuse me, I need to get some fresh air.” That’s generally understood to mean you are overwhelmed and need to be by yourself.
To extract yourself from a conversation you don’t want to keep having without leaving the room, you can say “thank you for coming to support my uncle/cousin. I need to go check how he’s holding up.” Or “excuse me, I really need to go get a drink/refill my drink.” It is helpful to have a glass that is only partially full and then you can easily make it look like you are running low on liquid without chugging anything.
Try not to worry about talking about your aunt too much. Funerals are for the living, so you can talk about your uncle and cousin if you need to. But listening to stories other people tell about your aunt is likely to be a big part of the event. Simple stock phrases to show you haven’t zoned out, like “oh, really?” “and then what did she do?” “wow, that’s pretty surprising” said during lulls in a story will help you be an active listener. Telling stories about the deceased is a way plenty of people mourn, so by just listening you can be a helpful presence at the funeral.
posted by Mizu at 4:47 AM on April 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
It is absolutely okay to be quiet and withdrawn at a funeral or memorial service. If you begin to feel overwhelmed, tell your brother “I need to go somewhere quiet for a bit” and then do so. It is okay, and depending on the venue there is likely to be spaces specifically for that purpose. There might be a garden or courtyard with places to sit, or a side room, or even just a hallway or annex off a reception room with a bench or couch. Many places of worship have nooks specifically for prayer and reflection, and many funeral homes have small sitting areas or outdoor spaces. It really doesn’t matter if you need to go be quiet because you are sad about the deceased or you are overwhelmed by being sociable or for any other reason. You can also say to anyone “excuse me, I need to get some fresh air.” That’s generally understood to mean you are overwhelmed and need to be by yourself.
To extract yourself from a conversation you don’t want to keep having without leaving the room, you can say “thank you for coming to support my uncle/cousin. I need to go check how he’s holding up.” Or “excuse me, I really need to go get a drink/refill my drink.” It is helpful to have a glass that is only partially full and then you can easily make it look like you are running low on liquid without chugging anything.
Try not to worry about talking about your aunt too much. Funerals are for the living, so you can talk about your uncle and cousin if you need to. But listening to stories other people tell about your aunt is likely to be a big part of the event. Simple stock phrases to show you haven’t zoned out, like “oh, really?” “and then what did she do?” “wow, that’s pretty surprising” said during lulls in a story will help you be an active listener. Telling stories about the deceased is a way plenty of people mourn, so by just listening you can be a helpful presence at the funeral.
posted by Mizu at 4:47 AM on April 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
My grandma died last summer and I was in the similar situation of attending a funeral where I didn't know a lot of people but where most people "knew" me, or knew of me enough to know that I was grandma's granddaughter.
While I have all the tools and capacity to be socially capable, I'm not, I'm very much a loner, and particularly with this landing in the middle of the damn ass pandemic I was being very cautious about, I was doubly unprepared to be talking to folks.
It didn't matter. Here's the thing: some people just like to talk, and the folks who like to talk will handle that piece of things just fine with minimal effort from you. Let them.
Come prepared with a few short phrases to throw out when asked: I live in (town) now. I've been working on (field) in the (industry). I'm just here for this evening then (brother) and I are heading back.
To wrap up a conversation: Thank you so much for coming, I know it would mean so much to (aunt) that you're here.
I think I said some version of "I live in Chicago now, I'm in HR at a mid size tech firm, I'm heading back on Sunday, thank you so much for coming" about 30 times that day, woven in through whatever it is people were saying to me.
posted by phunniemee at 4:49 AM on April 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
While I have all the tools and capacity to be socially capable, I'm not, I'm very much a loner, and particularly with this landing in the middle of the damn ass pandemic I was being very cautious about, I was doubly unprepared to be talking to folks.
It didn't matter. Here's the thing: some people just like to talk, and the folks who like to talk will handle that piece of things just fine with minimal effort from you. Let them.
Come prepared with a few short phrases to throw out when asked: I live in (town) now. I've been working on (field) in the (industry). I'm just here for this evening then (brother) and I are heading back.
To wrap up a conversation: Thank you so much for coming, I know it would mean so much to (aunt) that you're here.
I think I said some version of "I live in Chicago now, I'm in HR at a mid size tech firm, I'm heading back on Sunday, thank you so much for coming" about 30 times that day, woven in through whatever it is people were saying to me.
posted by phunniemee at 4:49 AM on April 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
Funny you should ask. I just attended a wake for a colleague. Not quite the same, but here’s some thoughts:
1. Practice a few stock phrases “I’m so sorry,” “we’ll all miss her,” “thank you; it’s very hard.” It doesn’t matter if these aren’t strictly true or absolutely honest; they are noises we make to build social cohesion.
2. Maybe try to remember (and even write down) a few nice memories of the deceased — funny things she said, kindnesses, and the like.
3. If people ask you how you are, say something like “sad, but [some thing that’s happened in your life], how about you?” Then pay as much attention as you can.
4. Do not be worried about being truthful or accurate; generally that’s not what funerals are for.
5. If you get overwhelmed, say “I’m sorry, I need a minute,” then go to a quiet place or outside. People will assume it’s grief.
6. Assuming your brother has your back, maybe set up some signs for when you need help? Like if you call him over to a conversation, it means you need him to cover for your escape.
I hope some of that is helpful. The thing I’ve learned at funerals is they always feel flat and fake, they are for the living, not the dead, and, if you keep your head down, it will be someone else who makes a scene, and everyone will remember that, not any gaffe you might make.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:00 AM on April 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
1. Practice a few stock phrases “I’m so sorry,” “we’ll all miss her,” “thank you; it’s very hard.” It doesn’t matter if these aren’t strictly true or absolutely honest; they are noises we make to build social cohesion.
2. Maybe try to remember (and even write down) a few nice memories of the deceased — funny things she said, kindnesses, and the like.
3. If people ask you how you are, say something like “sad, but [some thing that’s happened in your life], how about you?” Then pay as much attention as you can.
4. Do not be worried about being truthful or accurate; generally that’s not what funerals are for.
5. If you get overwhelmed, say “I’m sorry, I need a minute,” then go to a quiet place or outside. People will assume it’s grief.
6. Assuming your brother has your back, maybe set up some signs for when you need help? Like if you call him over to a conversation, it means you need him to cover for your escape.
I hope some of that is helpful. The thing I’ve learned at funerals is they always feel flat and fake, they are for the living, not the dead, and, if you keep your head down, it will be someone else who makes a scene, and everyone will remember that, not any gaffe you might make.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:00 AM on April 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
If I were you, I would skip the story about the project with your uncle, even though your idea for spinning it is good. You have mixed feelings about it. I'm neurotypical, but if I were telling something like that at a funeral, I'd be worried about my more unkind feelings coming through. Do you have any happy memories of her at all or her and your uncle together? Did you go to their house as a child? Did they serve special food you remember or buy cookies you like? Did they play games with you? Did they have a yard that was fun or a porch swing you liked? Did they always remember your birthday or send holiday cards that you liked? Really, any happy memory will do. It doesn't have to paint your aunt as the most wonderful person in the world - just as someone you can say something nice about. It's a funeral, so people will assume you're honoring her as a positive presence.
You say they're the only family that acknowledges you, so you could even say you always appreciated their love and support or however you would want to frame that (though without bringing in references to mistreatment by other family members - just that you appreciate what they did for you).
posted by FencingGal at 7:49 AM on April 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
You say they're the only family that acknowledges you, so you could even say you always appreciated their love and support or however you would want to frame that (though without bringing in references to mistreatment by other family members - just that you appreciate what they did for you).
posted by FencingGal at 7:49 AM on April 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
Are the new clothes giving you sensory overload? Because if so wear old clothes, it's ok! <3
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:12 AM on April 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:12 AM on April 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
The first phase of each conversation will be very brief - shaking hand perhaps, making eye contact (look at the bridge of their nose or their cheekbones if this is difficult) and consist of the formalities: "How are you?", "It's good to see you again", "It's been ten years since we met", "Pleased to meet you.", "I am so sorry for you loss." etc. There is no need to try to draw them out yet, wait for them to signal that the first phase is done by allowing there to be a pause in the conversation. Often during this first bit of conversation they will be nodding, and if they do, you can nod too. Think of this as when dogs sniff noses and tails. You're both just making sure you know who is there and that everyone is there for the same purpose.
Sometimes you can and should just move off at that point. If there is a receiving line it is good to keep going because while people might want to catch up with you, if they do so right then it will hold the line up. They will also want to move away if they are only saying hi to be polite so you are watching for a signal that they want to go. If you need time to assess if they want to go or to stay and they stop talking, put on a sad expression and shake your head. During this phase try to remember information about them in case you need it in the next few minutes.
If it is the milling around phase, and they do not start moving away from you because a longer conversation is appropriate, you can spare yourself the discomfort of being quizzed or enduring awkward pauses by turning the conversation on them. What you say will be intended to make them feel you are being supportive and that you are kind and friendly.
"Were you able to spend much time with Aunt Deceased in the last while?"
"Did you get to see Aunt Deceased at all since the covid restrictions came in?"
(Good question for her own relatives such as her siblings and children)
"What have you been up to lately? Has retirement/school/life with the kids/the hobby/business been going well?"
"How is (family member of theirs whose name you know, who is not present in the conversation.)?"
"I heard you...had another kid/haven't been working/are doing a lot of running now/whatever you have heard about them through mutuals."
(Good openings for people you know enough to pick a topic from what was happening in their life the last time you spoke to them.)
"How did you know Aunt Deceased?"
"Are you a friend of Uncle Bereaved?"
(Good for people you don't know - But only use this if you are good at faces and can be certain it's not your cousin or someone you used to know, only now they have a beard, or are fifteen years older.)
"Going to be a lot of changes now in that family. It will be so different without her."
"Uncle Bereaved is holding up well/just devastated/will have a lot of adjustment to make/has changed so much."
"It was so sudden. We didn't know she was sick at all." (if applicable)
"It was so hard." (if there was a protracted illness)
"...her fierce and devoted love for him, for my uncle..."
(Topics for people who are holding you in conversation, no matter how well you know them, or if you know them at all.)
There may be a memory board of photographs or a slide show. If so take the time to look at it slowly. This memory board will largely be a range of photographs of the deceased. Take note of what is in the pictures - is she with kids, is she on holiday, where were they taken, are any of them of her as a kid, do they look prosperous, are they casual people or the sort of people who dress up a lot, do pictures in her own house show that she was house proud, are there any signs of hobbies. This will both give you something to do other than talk to people and give you more information on her and refresh your memory about anything you might already know.
Then the information you gleaned can be used for conversation. If you see different knitted afghans on the couches where the family was arrayed for the photographs, ask if she knitted them. If there are shots of the family on holiday, ask where they were taken. If she's wearing moose antlers, ask why. If the Christmas gatherings were crowded comment on that. If she was using a walker, ask if she had a lot of trouble getting around or if she was able to get out much. If she went through cancer treatment, ask what treatment she got and shake your head and comment how hard cancer is. You can ask where she was born or where she grew up.
"I'm glad I got to see you again." "It was good to meet you." - remember those two statements as your way of closing a conversation when it appears to be dwindling.
Remember that you do not have to be interested in cancer treatment, her nephew's sports achievements, knitted afghans, or rock formations in Arizona that she saw while on bus tours. These topics are to give the other person something to say and to demonstrate that you believe your aunt's life mattered and that her loss and suffering and happiness mattered to the other people there. You are trying to be kind.
It is probable that some of the people there did not know your aunt at all, such as your uncle's coworkers. As soon as you establish that there is actually nothing in common you can say "it was nice meeting you" and move away. If you can't move away you don't have to actually talk to them. If they do try to keep talking to you, you can let them do so and just nod and gently agree with them. This type of conversation is a little awkward no matter what you do -strangers desperately making small talk is something that happens because they feel worse if they are standing there not interacting. So if someone gloms on you and has nothing more to say than it has been weather, and that they are no longer used to crowds, and that the flowers are flowers, it can be to your advantage to agree with them that that the weather has been weather, and it is so difficult to be in crowds, and indeed there are flowers, those ones are pink and white. Stilted is fine. They are a lonely stranger trying to stick it out in an awkward situation as long as decently necessary. You will not be the only one feeling the tag in the back of your shirt itching abominably and trying to figure out where to put your hands.
Look for older people of your gender for behaviour cues such as taking off hats at the graveside, and let the immediate family lead the pack when traveling, staying a few steps behind them unless everybody else drops back to give them private time. Do not follow any family member someplace alone unless they ask you to. If you see her sister alone in some small anteroom or hall she has likely gone there to compose herself. At this point no words are appropriate as anything sympathetic could make her drop to the floor howling, which is what she is trying to avoid, and anything not sympathetic would be a burden.
Solemn silences are more appropriate than chattering, so err on the side of respectful silent gloom, unless the family is leading a hectic and vivid celebration of life and is trying to hold a party.
As a rule everyone hates funerals, and finds them awkward and a great many people chant "Let's get it over with," as they enter the funeral home, or church or wherever the wake is held, or the home that is sitting shiva. So if you are feeling awkward and ill at ease, you are in good company, and it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you, or that you are worse at this than other people are.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:39 AM on April 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
Sometimes you can and should just move off at that point. If there is a receiving line it is good to keep going because while people might want to catch up with you, if they do so right then it will hold the line up. They will also want to move away if they are only saying hi to be polite so you are watching for a signal that they want to go. If you need time to assess if they want to go or to stay and they stop talking, put on a sad expression and shake your head. During this phase try to remember information about them in case you need it in the next few minutes.
If it is the milling around phase, and they do not start moving away from you because a longer conversation is appropriate, you can spare yourself the discomfort of being quizzed or enduring awkward pauses by turning the conversation on them. What you say will be intended to make them feel you are being supportive and that you are kind and friendly.
"Were you able to spend much time with Aunt Deceased in the last while?"
"Did you get to see Aunt Deceased at all since the covid restrictions came in?"
(Good question for her own relatives such as her siblings and children)
"What have you been up to lately? Has retirement/school/life with the kids/the hobby/business been going well?"
"How is (family member of theirs whose name you know, who is not present in the conversation.)?"
"I heard you...had another kid/haven't been working/are doing a lot of running now/whatever you have heard about them through mutuals."
(Good openings for people you know enough to pick a topic from what was happening in their life the last time you spoke to them.)
"How did you know Aunt Deceased?"
"Are you a friend of Uncle Bereaved?"
(Good for people you don't know - But only use this if you are good at faces and can be certain it's not your cousin or someone you used to know, only now they have a beard, or are fifteen years older.)
"Going to be a lot of changes now in that family. It will be so different without her."
"Uncle Bereaved is holding up well/just devastated/will have a lot of adjustment to make/has changed so much."
"It was so sudden. We didn't know she was sick at all." (if applicable)
"It was so hard." (if there was a protracted illness)
"...her fierce and devoted love for him, for my uncle..."
(Topics for people who are holding you in conversation, no matter how well you know them, or if you know them at all.)
There may be a memory board of photographs or a slide show. If so take the time to look at it slowly. This memory board will largely be a range of photographs of the deceased. Take note of what is in the pictures - is she with kids, is she on holiday, where were they taken, are any of them of her as a kid, do they look prosperous, are they casual people or the sort of people who dress up a lot, do pictures in her own house show that she was house proud, are there any signs of hobbies. This will both give you something to do other than talk to people and give you more information on her and refresh your memory about anything you might already know.
Then the information you gleaned can be used for conversation. If you see different knitted afghans on the couches where the family was arrayed for the photographs, ask if she knitted them. If there are shots of the family on holiday, ask where they were taken. If she's wearing moose antlers, ask why. If the Christmas gatherings were crowded comment on that. If she was using a walker, ask if she had a lot of trouble getting around or if she was able to get out much. If she went through cancer treatment, ask what treatment she got and shake your head and comment how hard cancer is. You can ask where she was born or where she grew up.
"I'm glad I got to see you again." "It was good to meet you." - remember those two statements as your way of closing a conversation when it appears to be dwindling.
Remember that you do not have to be interested in cancer treatment, her nephew's sports achievements, knitted afghans, or rock formations in Arizona that she saw while on bus tours. These topics are to give the other person something to say and to demonstrate that you believe your aunt's life mattered and that her loss and suffering and happiness mattered to the other people there. You are trying to be kind.
It is probable that some of the people there did not know your aunt at all, such as your uncle's coworkers. As soon as you establish that there is actually nothing in common you can say "it was nice meeting you" and move away. If you can't move away you don't have to actually talk to them. If they do try to keep talking to you, you can let them do so and just nod and gently agree with them. This type of conversation is a little awkward no matter what you do -strangers desperately making small talk is something that happens because they feel worse if they are standing there not interacting. So if someone gloms on you and has nothing more to say than it has been weather, and that they are no longer used to crowds, and that the flowers are flowers, it can be to your advantage to agree with them that that the weather has been weather, and it is so difficult to be in crowds, and indeed there are flowers, those ones are pink and white. Stilted is fine. They are a lonely stranger trying to stick it out in an awkward situation as long as decently necessary. You will not be the only one feeling the tag in the back of your shirt itching abominably and trying to figure out where to put your hands.
Look for older people of your gender for behaviour cues such as taking off hats at the graveside, and let the immediate family lead the pack when traveling, staying a few steps behind them unless everybody else drops back to give them private time. Do not follow any family member someplace alone unless they ask you to. If you see her sister alone in some small anteroom or hall she has likely gone there to compose herself. At this point no words are appropriate as anything sympathetic could make her drop to the floor howling, which is what she is trying to avoid, and anything not sympathetic would be a burden.
Solemn silences are more appropriate than chattering, so err on the side of respectful silent gloom, unless the family is leading a hectic and vivid celebration of life and is trying to hold a party.
As a rule everyone hates funerals, and finds them awkward and a great many people chant "Let's get it over with," as they enter the funeral home, or church or wherever the wake is held, or the home that is sitting shiva. So if you are feeling awkward and ill at ease, you are in good company, and it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you, or that you are worse at this than other people are.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:39 AM on April 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
Lots of good advice above, but I'll add one more possible topic of conversation....you mentioned that you're traveling 12 hours in order to attend this funeral. The January just prior to the COVID lockdown my Father-in-Law passed away and my Husband and I drove from Michigan to Georgia in one fell swoop to attend the service. The main topic of conversation when we chatted with non-immediate family members was our drive to Georgia, how long did it take, what was the weather like back in Michigan? (Several mourners recognized my Husband [Oh, you're {Deceased's} youngest boy! The one who moved up North!] and the conversation flowed from there. They asked questions and even laughed and made little jibes at us when we mentioned that there was snow on the ground back home about how they couldn't stand to live in such a cold place. I just smiled and chuckled along, since it saved me the trouble of making conversation. So perhaps your long travel distance might work to your conversational advantage.
posted by Oriole Adams at 12:45 PM on April 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Oriole Adams at 12:45 PM on April 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all so much. The reference to new clothes was for an Askme that got lost: what should I eat so that I don't get stains on my lunch shelf (big bosom) as I am rather clumsy and my big boobs prevent any spills reaching my lap. Obviously nor spaghetti or burgers or anything that drips with sauce or gravy. I have dried fruit packed for me for the trip and chips & chocolate for my brother (and water, and a Thermos and travel mugs, wipes and hand towels) .
posted by b33j at 7:47 PM on April 2, 2022
posted by b33j at 7:47 PM on April 2, 2022
Are you travelling the 12 hours on the day of the funeral? If so, I would travel in something old and comfy, and then when you're almost at the destination go to a public bathroom (fast food place, shopping centre, train station if that's how you're travelling) and get changed into your nice new clothes there. Any food at the service/after is most likely going to be finger food and shouldn't be a stain risk.
posted by Adifferentbear at 3:10 AM on April 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Adifferentbear at 3:10 AM on April 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Day before. Should get in by 10pm. Funeral 11am on Tuesday.
posted by b33j at 4:03 AM on April 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by b33j at 4:03 AM on April 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
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In terms of general small talk, I usually use a few superficial questions like "what are you up to nowadays?", and "how have you been keeping?". That usually gets people talking about themselves. And then I have a matching superficial answer "I'm mostly working in [job], it keeps me out of trouble" and "pretty well thanks, I'm mostly doing [hobby] in my spare time". If you have any positive memories about shared time with the relative you're talking to (with or without your uncle), then a "do you remember when we..." can be a good topic to introduce.
I can't very easily 'carry' the conversation. When there's a lull, I'm looking for the other person to fill it. At an awkward silence or when it feels like the chat is done, I tend to say that I need to do something else (get a drink, a breath of fresh air, speak to [other relative],...) and move on.
If you are close to your brother, I think it's ok to ask him to help you if you look like you're having difficulty with people.
posted by plonkee at 1:57 AM on April 2, 2022 [16 favorites]