Long distance, academia, and money woes, oh my!
March 27, 2022 8:18 PM Subscribe
I am having doubts about my relationship with my long distance boyfriend of a year - some of this can be attributed to the precarity of his employment situation, and the rest... Well, it might just be my noisy head.
I am in my mid-twenties, in a transatlantic long distance relationship with someone who has about a decade and a half on me. We've known each other for 4 years, and we met while I was holidaying in his city. We stayed in touch over the years and got into a relationship during the height of the pandemic.
He is the sweetest, most considerate, and kind person I know. Except when he gets cold and withdrawn, which is usually in reaction to my emotional implosions. I have a great deal of trauma, generational and parental, which I am currently not in therapy for despite being on medications to control this.
Since we've started dating, I have made strides in my career and started going to yoga and meditation classes. I picked up new hobbies and socialise a lot more with other hobbyists, now that COVID has slowed down in my area. He remains precariously employed as an adjunct uni lecturer.
Did I mention we live 16 hours by flight away from each other? We saw each other once last year, and he was about to book tickets to come and see me when I let out a deluge of doubts about our future together. We are currently hashing it out in long, painful text conversations.
Things of note:
1. His precarious employment situation as an academic means that he is on government assistance, and this has implications that really affect our relationship in terms of closing the gap. He needs to earn above a certain amount and to not have been on assistance for 3 years before we can apply for me to live in his country on a fiancée visa.
So this really puts a spanner in the works, because I don't want to be in a long distance relationship for much longer. We've accepted the only option in the near-future is for me to move there is to go on an employment visa, which is possible because I'm in an industry that their government considers "skilled".
But I have doubts about moving internationally and being in an insecure financial situation. We wouldn't have a place to live - he's currently renting a single room in a shared house and when I was over visiting there was literally no room to put my things and it kind of made us fight a little bit because it was so cramped and things were everywhere and I couldn't find anything because my stuff had to be thrown in a pile in a corner.
There is also no way for him to live in my city - we have a much higher cost of living and he is in an extremely niche academic field that doesn't even exist here.
But also, 2. He sometimes acts resentful about my spending habits. It might be that we come from vastly different financial backgrounds - he was born middle-class and I was (maybe) upper-middle class. Currently, I think we are earning about the same, but I have a trust fund that I can tap into if I ever needed money urgently.
I am not frugal, but I do not spend beyond my means. I don't have any credit card debt, but I have student loans. I tend to buy things on a whim, but they're never large purchases that would put me in debt. I tend to like nice things and spend a fair amount on account of vanity - my job requires that I am presentable, and I like looking pretty - he seems to be perplexed by the fact that I am spending money to enhance my appearance.
3. Put 1 and 2 together, and we get insecurity, resentment, and self-doubt on his part. On my part I am deeply uncomfortable sharing the news any sort of purchases with him. We once got into a fight because I mentioned trying out a fairly expensive (but not extravagant) restaurant for our hypothetical anniversary - he became defensive and said something along the lines of how he cannot fathom spending that much money on a single meal.
I tried to have a conversation about the above, and he repeats "I'm sorry I don't have money" like a broken record, which is really not the issue. I don't want to make him feel bad about his employment situation. I know he loves what he is doing and does not have control over how academia in general operates, so I want to be supportive. But he doesn't seem to be on track for tenure or even a postdoc anytime soon, even though he is going above and beyond at his current institution and applying like a madman for postdocs in others.
4. My father was an alcoholic who threw things at my mother and called her names and cheated on her. I didn't realise this until recently, but my boyfriend tends to go over the top sometimes with his drinking, gets belligerent, and then ends in day-long hangovers where he cannot be productive and gets snippy. He never yells or acts abusive or anything, he just has a shorter fuse when he's hungover. While he is intoxicated, I am triggered and anxious and it makes me deeply uncomfortable and I can't climb out of the hole in my head.
I do not want to do long distance in my late twenties. I have severe emotional and mental instabilities; I think I require someone to be next to me. But also he is the best thing to have happened to me.
Am I just ruminating? Are these things that "we can just figure out later", as he likes to say? Breaking up over his employment situation seems like such a shallow, petty, gold-diggery(??) thing to do, especially because he is patient and loving and affectionate and he loves me for who I am, which is so, so, difficult to find because I am neurotic and temperamental and mentally unstable and I have had cancer twice and I'm a hot fucking mess because I don't know what is happening with us.
This all probably looks like word salad to you. I guess I am asking for your wisdom, or if you can see past my incoherence and point out something I may be missing to help me look at this more subjectively.
I am in my mid-twenties, in a transatlantic long distance relationship with someone who has about a decade and a half on me. We've known each other for 4 years, and we met while I was holidaying in his city. We stayed in touch over the years and got into a relationship during the height of the pandemic.
He is the sweetest, most considerate, and kind person I know. Except when he gets cold and withdrawn, which is usually in reaction to my emotional implosions. I have a great deal of trauma, generational and parental, which I am currently not in therapy for despite being on medications to control this.
Since we've started dating, I have made strides in my career and started going to yoga and meditation classes. I picked up new hobbies and socialise a lot more with other hobbyists, now that COVID has slowed down in my area. He remains precariously employed as an adjunct uni lecturer.
Did I mention we live 16 hours by flight away from each other? We saw each other once last year, and he was about to book tickets to come and see me when I let out a deluge of doubts about our future together. We are currently hashing it out in long, painful text conversations.
Things of note:
1. His precarious employment situation as an academic means that he is on government assistance, and this has implications that really affect our relationship in terms of closing the gap. He needs to earn above a certain amount and to not have been on assistance for 3 years before we can apply for me to live in his country on a fiancée visa.
So this really puts a spanner in the works, because I don't want to be in a long distance relationship for much longer. We've accepted the only option in the near-future is for me to move there is to go on an employment visa, which is possible because I'm in an industry that their government considers "skilled".
But I have doubts about moving internationally and being in an insecure financial situation. We wouldn't have a place to live - he's currently renting a single room in a shared house and when I was over visiting there was literally no room to put my things and it kind of made us fight a little bit because it was so cramped and things were everywhere and I couldn't find anything because my stuff had to be thrown in a pile in a corner.
There is also no way for him to live in my city - we have a much higher cost of living and he is in an extremely niche academic field that doesn't even exist here.
But also, 2. He sometimes acts resentful about my spending habits. It might be that we come from vastly different financial backgrounds - he was born middle-class and I was (maybe) upper-middle class. Currently, I think we are earning about the same, but I have a trust fund that I can tap into if I ever needed money urgently.
I am not frugal, but I do not spend beyond my means. I don't have any credit card debt, but I have student loans. I tend to buy things on a whim, but they're never large purchases that would put me in debt. I tend to like nice things and spend a fair amount on account of vanity - my job requires that I am presentable, and I like looking pretty - he seems to be perplexed by the fact that I am spending money to enhance my appearance.
3. Put 1 and 2 together, and we get insecurity, resentment, and self-doubt on his part. On my part I am deeply uncomfortable sharing the news any sort of purchases with him. We once got into a fight because I mentioned trying out a fairly expensive (but not extravagant) restaurant for our hypothetical anniversary - he became defensive and said something along the lines of how he cannot fathom spending that much money on a single meal.
I tried to have a conversation about the above, and he repeats "I'm sorry I don't have money" like a broken record, which is really not the issue. I don't want to make him feel bad about his employment situation. I know he loves what he is doing and does not have control over how academia in general operates, so I want to be supportive. But he doesn't seem to be on track for tenure or even a postdoc anytime soon, even though he is going above and beyond at his current institution and applying like a madman for postdocs in others.
4. My father was an alcoholic who threw things at my mother and called her names and cheated on her. I didn't realise this until recently, but my boyfriend tends to go over the top sometimes with his drinking, gets belligerent, and then ends in day-long hangovers where he cannot be productive and gets snippy. He never yells or acts abusive or anything, he just has a shorter fuse when he's hungover. While he is intoxicated, I am triggered and anxious and it makes me deeply uncomfortable and I can't climb out of the hole in my head.
I do not want to do long distance in my late twenties. I have severe emotional and mental instabilities; I think I require someone to be next to me. But also he is the best thing to have happened to me.
Am I just ruminating? Are these things that "we can just figure out later", as he likes to say? Breaking up over his employment situation seems like such a shallow, petty, gold-diggery(??) thing to do, especially because he is patient and loving and affectionate and he loves me for who I am, which is so, so, difficult to find because I am neurotic and temperamental and mentally unstable and I have had cancer twice and I'm a hot fucking mess because I don't know what is happening with us.
This all probably looks like word salad to you. I guess I am asking for your wisdom, or if you can see past my incoherence and point out something I may be missing to help me look at this more subjectively.
I see many red flags in this relationship and I think you should consciously uncouple from this man.
posted by Threeve at 9:12 PM on March 27, 2022 [52 favorites]
posted by Threeve at 9:12 PM on March 27, 2022 [52 favorites]
I could have written a very similar question a few years ago. I was in a relationship for 6 years in my twenties with someone who lived a similar distance away from me as your boyfriend does from you. We saw each other once or twice a year and had no clear path to live in the same country. I felt at the time that he was the love of my life and that I'd never find someone I loved even half as much, or who would have the capacity to love me (a fellow self-described neurotic person with mental health issues). And yet, I think the best choice I made in my twenties was to end that relationship - which took an amount of courage I'm still shocked I found within me. I found a boyfriend who lived down the street (literally!) and am experiencing love I couldn't even have dreamed of back then. He's never once been belligerent, outwardly resentful, unkind, or cold to me. I think it is very, very important to hear that those are not traits you have to accept in a relationship.
Your life is yours, and I don't know you, so I don't want to tell you what you should do. But please feel free to memail me if you want to talk to someone who's been through something similar.
posted by chaiyai at 9:13 PM on March 27, 2022 [30 favorites]
Your life is yours, and I don't know you, so I don't want to tell you what you should do. But please feel free to memail me if you want to talk to someone who's been through something similar.
posted by chaiyai at 9:13 PM on March 27, 2022 [30 favorites]
I wish I were more qualified to speak, but this relationship sounds like it has many red flags.
Except when he gets cold and withdrawn, which is usually in reaction to my emotional implosions.
He is nice and understanding until he is not, and that is exactly when you need him to be understanding.
You have written that you are in your midtwenties and have progressed in your journey to your goals. He has not and he is 40. He remains precariously employed as an adjunct uni lecturer. He sounds like one of my former uni lecturers. It does not get better from here. My lecturer has, in the course of 10 years, become ever more embittered and now he hates women. I am not saying that your SO will be like this but, its common when people age and stay unsuccessful, when they believe they deserve success.
And, you have said you guys will not become NOT long distance. And you are super clear about his shortcomings and resentment in #2.
I think you have made up your mind to leave him. But you are encountering difficulty due to the weight of all these sunk costs. Do not let him hold you back from your future.
posted by Didnt_do_enough at 9:15 PM on March 27, 2022 [15 favorites]
Except when he gets cold and withdrawn, which is usually in reaction to my emotional implosions.
He is nice and understanding until he is not, and that is exactly when you need him to be understanding.
You have written that you are in your midtwenties and have progressed in your journey to your goals. He has not and he is 40. He remains precariously employed as an adjunct uni lecturer. He sounds like one of my former uni lecturers. It does not get better from here. My lecturer has, in the course of 10 years, become ever more embittered and now he hates women. I am not saying that your SO will be like this but, its common when people age and stay unsuccessful, when they believe they deserve success.
And, you have said you guys will not become NOT long distance. And you are super clear about his shortcomings and resentment in #2.
I think you have made up your mind to leave him. But you are encountering difficulty due to the weight of all these sunk costs. Do not let him hold you back from your future.
posted by Didnt_do_enough at 9:15 PM on March 27, 2022 [15 favorites]
You guys sound incompatible. You say, " I have severe emotional and mental instabilities; I think I require someone to be next to me." However, having a financially unstable partner would add more instability to your life.
You say, "Breaking up over his employment situation seems like such a shallow, petty, gold-diggery(??) thing to do..." But do you want to financially support him for who knows how long?
You don't have the same values on money.
"I do not want to do long distance in my late twenties." Then break up with him, on the phone. No long text conversations.
posted by saturdaymornings at 9:16 PM on March 27, 2022 [2 favorites]
You say, "Breaking up over his employment situation seems like such a shallow, petty, gold-diggery(??) thing to do..." But do you want to financially support him for who knows how long?
You don't have the same values on money.
"I do not want to do long distance in my late twenties." Then break up with him, on the phone. No long text conversations.
posted by saturdaymornings at 9:16 PM on March 27, 2022 [2 favorites]
But also he is the best thing to have happened to me.
Sweetie, you are the best thing to happen to you.
I do not want to do long distance in my late twenties.
Good call. You know what you want. You want an in-person relationship (or none at all? That's Ok. You'll be OK.)
I am neurotic and temperamental and mentally unstable
I bet you live in a society that is strongly undercut by misogyny and sexism (we all do). The behaviours you label as neurotic, temperamental and unstable may actually be very realistic and natural responses to fucked up situations. Sure, we can all manage our behaviours better but I bet these labels were attached to you by other people (men?)
Your fellow is insecure because he knows that he is punching above his weight with you. He is not going to grow into the successful financially secure man you would like him to be. You are not a gold digger if you want a certain standard in life and are willing to work for it with others.
This man is kind and he treats you well. I am glad. He has shown you that you are worth treating kindly. Set this as your lowest benchmark. This man should be more mature and able to manage his emotions so he doesn't sulk, and doesn't get drunk and snippy. You deserve better.
posted by Thella at 9:24 PM on March 27, 2022 [28 favorites]
Sweetie, you are the best thing to happen to you.
I do not want to do long distance in my late twenties.
Good call. You know what you want. You want an in-person relationship (or none at all? That's Ok. You'll be OK.)
I am neurotic and temperamental and mentally unstable
I bet you live in a society that is strongly undercut by misogyny and sexism (we all do). The behaviours you label as neurotic, temperamental and unstable may actually be very realistic and natural responses to fucked up situations. Sure, we can all manage our behaviours better but I bet these labels were attached to you by other people (men?)
Your fellow is insecure because he knows that he is punching above his weight with you. He is not going to grow into the successful financially secure man you would like him to be. You are not a gold digger if you want a certain standard in life and are willing to work for it with others.
This man is kind and he treats you well. I am glad. He has shown you that you are worth treating kindly. Set this as your lowest benchmark. This man should be more mature and able to manage his emotions so he doesn't sulk, and doesn't get drunk and snippy. You deserve better.
posted by Thella at 9:24 PM on March 27, 2022 [28 favorites]
I don't normally comment in relationship threads because my general stance is that if you are asking strangers on the internet whether you should break up, the answer is yes. Absent any complications, it isn't worth dating someone you have ongoing reservations about.
You say he's the best thing to have happened to you, but you haven't convinced me of that. Are you comparing him to men your age? A middle-aged man has had more time to learn patience and kindness and to recognize that everyone has flaws. Please don't call yourself "neurotic and temperamental and mentally unstable." I believe you when you say this man is kind sometimes, but he's not the only kind man in the world, and you are not broken (plus, it sounds like he's not consistently kind).
Side note: why would having had cancer make you hard to love? I see how it could make it difficult to date because many people run away from facing mortality. Please know that this is not a reflection on you and that your peers will get better at handling these challenges over time.
It's okay to break up because of any of the concerns you listed. Those are some pretty serious points of incompatibility. You don't need a justification for breaking up beyond feeling it is the right choice. If you were my friend, I would be pretty alarmed to hear you are considering moving abroad to be with a much-older man you have seen once in the last year. Actually...you've been together for a year, and you saw each other once last year? That's not a strong enough basis for uprooting your life.
posted by Comet Bug at 9:32 PM on March 27, 2022 [11 favorites]
You say he's the best thing to have happened to you, but you haven't convinced me of that. Are you comparing him to men your age? A middle-aged man has had more time to learn patience and kindness and to recognize that everyone has flaws. Please don't call yourself "neurotic and temperamental and mentally unstable." I believe you when you say this man is kind sometimes, but he's not the only kind man in the world, and you are not broken (plus, it sounds like he's not consistently kind).
Side note: why would having had cancer make you hard to love? I see how it could make it difficult to date because many people run away from facing mortality. Please know that this is not a reflection on you and that your peers will get better at handling these challenges over time.
It's okay to break up because of any of the concerns you listed. Those are some pretty serious points of incompatibility. You don't need a justification for breaking up beyond feeling it is the right choice. If you were my friend, I would be pretty alarmed to hear you are considering moving abroad to be with a much-older man you have seen once in the last year. Actually...you've been together for a year, and you saw each other once last year? That's not a strong enough basis for uprooting your life.
posted by Comet Bug at 9:32 PM on March 27, 2022 [11 favorites]
This seems like a mess, for reasons not your fault. The distance alone (during COVID no less), is no doubt not making things easier. And his drinking habit certainly seems, uh, not ideal.
As an academic (in the US) myself, I can perhaps clarify one misunderstanding:
He remains precariously employed as an adjunct uni lecturer.
I'm in an industry that their government considers "skilled".
Currently, I think we are earning about the same, but I have a trust fund that I can tap into if I ever needed money urgently.
But he doesn't seem to be on track for tenure or even a postdoc anytime soon, even though he is going above and beyond at his current institution and applying like a madman for postdocs in others.
While I cannot be 100% for certain without know where your boyfriend lives, if it's the US, Canada, UK, etc. he absolutely does not make as much as you, if you perform a type of skilled labor - and that doesn't even factor in the fact you have a trust fund. In the US, adjuncts typically make around $2,500-$5000 per course they teach, meaning that many make so little that they, like your boyfriend, often qualify for government assistance. So unless you are currently living below the poverty line, you are likely making more (perhaps significantly more) than your boyfriend. Not that he should be taking this out on you (it's not your fault), but it does seem like maybe you're misunderstanding his current economic situation.
And while I can only speak to the US situation, very, very, few adjuncts ever become anything but an adjunct (at least as long as they stay in academia). For largely elitist reasons, most institutions with postdocs or tenure-track lines prefer to hire either fresh PhDs (i.e. people who haven't graduated yet), or recent PhDs who already have tenure-track jobs or who have prestigious postdocs. So, for reasons that are totally not his fault, if he has fallen into the adjunct trap, his academic career is most likely over, especially if his field is as niche as you suggest (the adjuncts I know who have been able to get jobs have all had fairly broad fields and were eventually able to get jobs at community colleges or non-prestigious institutions that prioritized teaching experience above all else). He is likely depressed about this (understandably), but that doesn't excuse the destructive drinking.
So, you are going to move across the Atlantic Ocean to be with someone who can only barely support himself right now, and who doesn't sound particularly emotionally stable or healthy. Having doubts about doing this does not make you a gold-digger, it just suggests you're being level-headed about it. Don't do it.
posted by coffeecat at 9:34 PM on March 27, 2022 [17 favorites]
As an academic (in the US) myself, I can perhaps clarify one misunderstanding:
He remains precariously employed as an adjunct uni lecturer.
I'm in an industry that their government considers "skilled".
Currently, I think we are earning about the same, but I have a trust fund that I can tap into if I ever needed money urgently.
But he doesn't seem to be on track for tenure or even a postdoc anytime soon, even though he is going above and beyond at his current institution and applying like a madman for postdocs in others.
While I cannot be 100% for certain without know where your boyfriend lives, if it's the US, Canada, UK, etc. he absolutely does not make as much as you, if you perform a type of skilled labor - and that doesn't even factor in the fact you have a trust fund. In the US, adjuncts typically make around $2,500-$5000 per course they teach, meaning that many make so little that they, like your boyfriend, often qualify for government assistance. So unless you are currently living below the poverty line, you are likely making more (perhaps significantly more) than your boyfriend. Not that he should be taking this out on you (it's not your fault), but it does seem like maybe you're misunderstanding his current economic situation.
And while I can only speak to the US situation, very, very, few adjuncts ever become anything but an adjunct (at least as long as they stay in academia). For largely elitist reasons, most institutions with postdocs or tenure-track lines prefer to hire either fresh PhDs (i.e. people who haven't graduated yet), or recent PhDs who already have tenure-track jobs or who have prestigious postdocs. So, for reasons that are totally not his fault, if he has fallen into the adjunct trap, his academic career is most likely over, especially if his field is as niche as you suggest (the adjuncts I know who have been able to get jobs have all had fairly broad fields and were eventually able to get jobs at community colleges or non-prestigious institutions that prioritized teaching experience above all else). He is likely depressed about this (understandably), but that doesn't excuse the destructive drinking.
So, you are going to move across the Atlantic Ocean to be with someone who can only barely support himself right now, and who doesn't sound particularly emotionally stable or healthy. Having doubts about doing this does not make you a gold-digger, it just suggests you're being level-headed about it. Don't do it.
posted by coffeecat at 9:34 PM on March 27, 2022 [17 favorites]
You’re in a long distance relationship with a man who doesn’t make much money, will never make much money and resents you for making more than him and having the nerve to enjoy the fruits of your labour (while still living within your means, mind you!). Then he drinks to cope with where he is in life and lashes out.
I’m sure he has his positive points otherwise you wouldn’t still be with him but he’s middle aged now and this guy is who he is, he’s not dramatically going to become a different person even if you do upend your life to live with him - it will get worse because then both of you will be struggling financially and it will expose even more of your differences.
There’s nothing you’ve mentioned that makes me think that this relationship will work or that he’s a person you should want it to work with. So many red flags. Find a man your own age, this one lacks maturity, drive, kindness and self control.
posted by Jubey at 9:47 PM on March 27, 2022 [10 favorites]
I’m sure he has his positive points otherwise you wouldn’t still be with him but he’s middle aged now and this guy is who he is, he’s not dramatically going to become a different person even if you do upend your life to live with him - it will get worse because then both of you will be struggling financially and it will expose even more of your differences.
There’s nothing you’ve mentioned that makes me think that this relationship will work or that he’s a person you should want it to work with. So many red flags. Find a man your own age, this one lacks maturity, drive, kindness and self control.
posted by Jubey at 9:47 PM on March 27, 2022 [10 favorites]
You flew 16 hours to visit him, and in his tiny space he could do absolutely *nothing* to make it possible for your stuff to be anywhere other than thrown in a pile in a corner? That literally tells me everything I need to know. Move along. You know this relationship is a mess, and the only way to make it work would be for you to diminish yourself, your achievements, your prospects, and your living conditions.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:50 PM on March 27, 2022 [32 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:50 PM on March 27, 2022 [32 favorites]
Someone can be an awesome lover/best friend/companion but not be good for you as a partner. He sounds like he qualifies somewhat for awesome lover/best friend/companion in that he's sweet, considerate kind, except when he isn't. You say you have a lot of trauma and he's the best thing that's happened to you, and yet he doesn't seem to help with your emotional implosions, and instead gets cold and withdrawn?
Anyway, to your points.
1. Do not move to his country and move in with him. IF you want to move (and that's a BIG if), get the employment visa, and - I cannot stress this enough - get your own place. Living together is a big deal. There are SO many things to hash out when you move in together, the biggest being domestic labour, which the majority of the time falls to the woman. You would also have to figure out finances/who pays what (and you both have very different values about money), where to live, etc. Getting a visa, a job, and apartment AND figuring out how to live together is a lot.
4. So he's an alcoholic. You didn't say that, but it sure sounds like it but I'm not an expert. When he's intoxicated it triggers you - so that sounds like he adds to your trauma, not help it. On the one hand, yes, he may be the best thing that's ever happened to you, but please believe that there are WAY BETTER things that can still happen to you. Especially since you're young. If you're with this guy, you're reducing the chances of those other way better things happening to you.
>Are these things that "we can just figure out later", as he likes to say?
No, and that he's said this means 1. He doesn't want to figure them out 2. Can you imagine if you did actually move there and you never figured this stuff out? Now you're in a strange country, having to navigate everything different from what's familiar and comfortable with a partner whom you now realize never meant anything by "we can figure it out later."
>But I have doubts about moving internationally and being in an insecure financial situation.
You are right to have doubts. This is your self-preservation instinct kicking in, not your noisy head. This is your noisy head:
>Breaking up over his employment situation seems like such a shallow, petty, gold-diggery(??) thing to do
It is sooo not, and you need to disabuse yourself of this notion right now. Like I said, someone can be a great lover/best friend/companion but not a great partner. His precarious employment situation means a lack of stability for you. It's a BIG hurdle to overcome if you want to have a life together. BTW, I just want to acknowledge that you survived cancer TWICE. That's amazing.
So let's review. He gets cold and withdrawn, he's an alcoholic, gets belligerent, has day-long hangovers, this triggers you, his living space has no room for you (you can see that as a metaphor, or not), he has an insecure financial situation, he says "we can figure it out later", you have very different views about money which causes fights and resentment. He may be a wonderful person despite all that, but that doesn't automatically translate to good partner. If you really don't want to break up with him, I would keep him as a friend and/or lover - this takes off aaaaalll the pressure and complicated logistics of living together and frees you to find someone who is supportive of you, can be a calming presence if you have emotional difficulties, isn't an alcoholic, has physical room for you, has stable employment, and is willing to work out the details of having a life together.
Finally, can you get into therapy?
posted by foxjacket at 10:00 PM on March 27, 2022 [8 favorites]
Anyway, to your points.
1. Do not move to his country and move in with him. IF you want to move (and that's a BIG if), get the employment visa, and - I cannot stress this enough - get your own place. Living together is a big deal. There are SO many things to hash out when you move in together, the biggest being domestic labour, which the majority of the time falls to the woman. You would also have to figure out finances/who pays what (and you both have very different values about money), where to live, etc. Getting a visa, a job, and apartment AND figuring out how to live together is a lot.
4. So he's an alcoholic. You didn't say that, but it sure sounds like it but I'm not an expert. When he's intoxicated it triggers you - so that sounds like he adds to your trauma, not help it. On the one hand, yes, he may be the best thing that's ever happened to you, but please believe that there are WAY BETTER things that can still happen to you. Especially since you're young. If you're with this guy, you're reducing the chances of those other way better things happening to you.
>Are these things that "we can just figure out later", as he likes to say?
No, and that he's said this means 1. He doesn't want to figure them out 2. Can you imagine if you did actually move there and you never figured this stuff out? Now you're in a strange country, having to navigate everything different from what's familiar and comfortable with a partner whom you now realize never meant anything by "we can figure it out later."
>But I have doubts about moving internationally and being in an insecure financial situation.
You are right to have doubts. This is your self-preservation instinct kicking in, not your noisy head. This is your noisy head:
>Breaking up over his employment situation seems like such a shallow, petty, gold-diggery(??) thing to do
It is sooo not, and you need to disabuse yourself of this notion right now. Like I said, someone can be a great lover/best friend/companion but not a great partner. His precarious employment situation means a lack of stability for you. It's a BIG hurdle to overcome if you want to have a life together. BTW, I just want to acknowledge that you survived cancer TWICE. That's amazing.
So let's review. He gets cold and withdrawn, he's an alcoholic, gets belligerent, has day-long hangovers, this triggers you, his living space has no room for you (you can see that as a metaphor, or not), he has an insecure financial situation, he says "we can figure it out later", you have very different views about money which causes fights and resentment. He may be a wonderful person despite all that, but that doesn't automatically translate to good partner. If you really don't want to break up with him, I would keep him as a friend and/or lover - this takes off aaaaalll the pressure and complicated logistics of living together and frees you to find someone who is supportive of you, can be a calming presence if you have emotional difficulties, isn't an alcoholic, has physical room for you, has stable employment, and is willing to work out the details of having a life together.
Finally, can you get into therapy?
posted by foxjacket at 10:00 PM on March 27, 2022 [8 favorites]
Where did the "gold digger" idea come from? I hope it wasn't this guy. Wanting to share goals and values about money with the person you marry does not make you a gold digger. It makes you a practical person who doesn't want to be in a marriage where you constantly fight about money. Do you want to live with someone who'll get mad if you spend a little extra on a face cream or nice skirt? It sounds like that would be a very real possibility if you partnered up with this man.
I think the main issue is that you don't want to be in a long-term, long-distance relationship. Realistically you are looking at 3+ years of long distance before he could even apply for a fiancee visa. I don't know what country he's in, but here in the US, the process of applying for and getting a visa of this type can take a year or more.
It sounds like you're worried about not finding a new relationship. Which I get, but it doesn't mean that you will be happier staying in a relationship that's not what you want. it's true that some partners might reject you for having had cancer, or other reasons. That doesn't mean that every potential partner will do so.
posted by tuesdayschild at 10:05 PM on March 27, 2022 [8 favorites]
I think the main issue is that you don't want to be in a long-term, long-distance relationship. Realistically you are looking at 3+ years of long distance before he could even apply for a fiancee visa. I don't know what country he's in, but here in the US, the process of applying for and getting a visa of this type can take a year or more.
It sounds like you're worried about not finding a new relationship. Which I get, but it doesn't mean that you will be happier staying in a relationship that's not what you want. it's true that some partners might reject you for having had cancer, or other reasons. That doesn't mean that every potential partner will do so.
posted by tuesdayschild at 10:05 PM on March 27, 2022 [8 favorites]
It sounds like he's judging your use of money; that will get worse, not better.
You visited him, but it doesn't sound like he was welcoming, at least not in actions.
He doesn't appear to put effort into moving the relationship forward.
His use of alcohol is concerning.
He gets cold and withdrawn.
You have worries about your emotions.
You deserve to be treated well; maybe you haven't been treated well yet in life, maybe nobody taught you that you deserve to be cherished, but it's true. Don't assess yourself more harshly than you assess him. Pay way more to his actions than his words. His actions are don't sound like someone who's ready for a committed relationship.
posted by theora55 at 10:07 PM on March 27, 2022 [5 favorites]
You visited him, but it doesn't sound like he was welcoming, at least not in actions.
He doesn't appear to put effort into moving the relationship forward.
His use of alcohol is concerning.
He gets cold and withdrawn.
You have worries about your emotions.
You deserve to be treated well; maybe you haven't been treated well yet in life, maybe nobody taught you that you deserve to be cherished, but it's true. Don't assess yourself more harshly than you assess him. Pay way more to his actions than his words. His actions are don't sound like someone who's ready for a committed relationship.
posted by theora55 at 10:07 PM on March 27, 2022 [5 favorites]
I'm usually the one encouraging people to 'give it one more go' in these questions. In this case, I read your second paragraph 'He is the sweetest, most considerate, and kind person I know. Except when he gets cold and withdrawn, which is usually in reaction to my emotional implosions.' (ie he's a nice guy except when I display my emotions and therefore need to be punished) and I knew what the rest was going to be. This alone is enough of a red flag for me to pull out the DTMFA and the rest of your question did nothing but reinforce that.
Give him a call, send a text or email or whatever you feel is right, but get yourself out and think about looking for an actual nice guy with whom you have at least some hope of an actual relationship.
posted by dg at 11:57 PM on March 27, 2022 [5 favorites]
Give him a call, send a text or email or whatever you feel is right, but get yourself out and think about looking for an actual nice guy with whom you have at least some hope of an actual relationship.
posted by dg at 11:57 PM on March 27, 2022 [5 favorites]
You say that he’s in a bad situation financially but he loves what he’s doing. There are a lot of jobs out there that I’d love doing but they won’t support me, so I don’t do them. Instead, I have a job that I’m pretty ok with, that pays enough to live on. There have been times when I’ve had jobs I didn’t like, but they paid me enough to live on, so I did them to support myself while working on getting something better. At some point, most adults come to understand that the need to feed themselves is more important than the need to be doing exactly what they want to all the time. Have you thought about the fact that you will undoubtedly end up supporting this man, because he has steadfastly refused to do what he needs to in order to support himself? (If children are something you eventually want, you can wipe that idea right out of your mind, because you won’t be able to afford them.) At some point we all have to come to terms with the fact that life is not going to be exactly as we hoped it would be, and most adults roll with that and adapt. Your guy has “adapted” by drinking.
And think about this - his drinking is detrimental to your relationship, but he continues to do it. He has chosen alcohol over you.
He may be the best thing that’s ever happened to you, but that’s because you have chosen to allow him to be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. There are people out there who would be much, much better for you, but you can’t find them because you’re tied to him. You deserve better. You barely see this man and yet he makes you so unhappy. Maybe think about how nice it would be to be with someone who didn’t make you unhappy. Someone who would say, you know what, this job I have isn’t good enough because it makes me unhappy and it makes the person I love unhappy; I’m going to fix that.
This relationship, despite your hopes and dreams, will not get better when you’re together. Being together will make it obvious how ungood this relationship is. Get out before you wake up one day and realize you’ve thrown away 15 years of your life, which you can never get back, on someone who is basically wasting your time.
YOU DESERVE BETTER. Better is out there, waiting for you. Go find it.
posted by MexicanYenta at 2:22 AM on March 28, 2022 [7 favorites]
And think about this - his drinking is detrimental to your relationship, but he continues to do it. He has chosen alcohol over you.
He may be the best thing that’s ever happened to you, but that’s because you have chosen to allow him to be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. There are people out there who would be much, much better for you, but you can’t find them because you’re tied to him. You deserve better. You barely see this man and yet he makes you so unhappy. Maybe think about how nice it would be to be with someone who didn’t make you unhappy. Someone who would say, you know what, this job I have isn’t good enough because it makes me unhappy and it makes the person I love unhappy; I’m going to fix that.
This relationship, despite your hopes and dreams, will not get better when you’re together. Being together will make it obvious how ungood this relationship is. Get out before you wake up one day and realize you’ve thrown away 15 years of your life, which you can never get back, on someone who is basically wasting your time.
YOU DESERVE BETTER. Better is out there, waiting for you. Go find it.
posted by MexicanYenta at 2:22 AM on March 28, 2022 [7 favorites]
I just want to reiterate that he is the best thing that's happened to you, so far. It might be time to see what other wonderful things are going to happen for you.
posted by Adifferentbear at 4:56 AM on March 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Adifferentbear at 4:56 AM on March 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
He doesn’t like how you manage your money (and it sounds like you’re perfectly responsible about it), he doesn’t like the attention you pay to your appearance (and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to look nice and feel nice), he doesn’t like how you spend your time it sounds like, the only move on the table is that you move to him and not that he look at non-academic careers that he could use his skills in in your place of residence… I know you asserted that he loves you for who you are, but it sure doesn’t sound like it, I’m afraid.
It’s possible to care about someone deeply but not be able to build a compatible life together. It’s really hard to let go of that caring and acknowledge that, but it sounds like this is the time to do that.
posted by joycehealy at 5:34 AM on March 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
It’s possible to care about someone deeply but not be able to build a compatible life together. It’s really hard to let go of that caring and acknowledge that, but it sounds like this is the time to do that.
posted by joycehealy at 5:34 AM on March 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
I think there are two realistic courses of action here:
From what you've described, there isn't a magic third option. Your partner would have to give up significantly more than you to move to your location and there's no evidence to suggest that he is considering this as a possibility. Maybe he should, but you can't make him. It also doesn't sound like you're keen on moving to his city without more certainty the relationship will be worth it. I don't think that certainty exists here. In which case, break up and move on.
You are in your mid-twenties. It might not feel like it but you are still at the stage where there are more possibilities open to you than closed. If this relationship doesn't work out, then something else that makes you happy will.
posted by plonkee at 5:39 AM on March 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
- apply for jobs in the city he lives in, if you get one that is neutral to good for your career, move there get your own flat etc and see what the relationship is like when it's not long distance
- break up
From what you've described, there isn't a magic third option. Your partner would have to give up significantly more than you to move to your location and there's no evidence to suggest that he is considering this as a possibility. Maybe he should, but you can't make him. It also doesn't sound like you're keen on moving to his city without more certainty the relationship will be worth it. I don't think that certainty exists here. In which case, break up and move on.
You are in your mid-twenties. It might not feel like it but you are still at the stage where there are more possibilities open to you than closed. If this relationship doesn't work out, then something else that makes you happy will.
posted by plonkee at 5:39 AM on March 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
I am a 40 year old adjunct and I would run like hell in this situation - he isn't just offering you nothing in terms of security, he is actively punishing you for wanting that. Because if he is Australian the academic situation here is a bit different but the underlying problem doesn't change. The problem is he doesn't want to do anything different from what he does now, no matter what you want or need. No matter the regulations, the legislation, the physical realities.
Because if right now his drinking upsets you it will get worse. If he cannot make a space for you now, on a planned visit it will get worse. I visited my friends and they still made sure I had a space for my things and a bed to sleep in. You are worth more than someone who blames his employment for not respecting you and your needs and your choices.
posted by geek anachronism at 5:44 AM on March 28, 2022 [9 favorites]
Because if right now his drinking upsets you it will get worse. If he cannot make a space for you now, on a planned visit it will get worse. I visited my friends and they still made sure I had a space for my things and a bed to sleep in. You are worth more than someone who blames his employment for not respecting you and your needs and your choices.
posted by geek anachronism at 5:44 AM on March 28, 2022 [9 favorites]
I get the feeling this guy has a certain constant level of anger and resentment. Forgive me; this could be me projecting, based on a similar experience in the past. But to pick an example that stood out, not doing anything to make his space comfortable or accommodating for you does not sound simply lazy or oblivious to me, it sounds passive-aggressive. He may love you a lot, but this pattern is something that's really baked into him now.
It sounds to me like you have a very clear picture of what's going on, while at the same time you really love him. But I think another factor might be that given your traumatic past, his behavior seems normal to you and may indeed seem like love. That's how people who loved you in the past have behaved.
Above all, I would say he's not going to change. The drinking, which is a huge issue given your background, is not going to just go away and this sort of angry behavior isn't either. Get out now. Don't suggest to him that there's hope for this relationship if he does better. Just cite the long-distance thing. He may make noises about doing something to overcome that, or he may not, but I very much doubt whether he'll do anything.
posted by BibiRose at 6:33 AM on March 28, 2022
It sounds to me like you have a very clear picture of what's going on, while at the same time you really love him. But I think another factor might be that given your traumatic past, his behavior seems normal to you and may indeed seem like love. That's how people who loved you in the past have behaved.
Above all, I would say he's not going to change. The drinking, which is a huge issue given your background, is not going to just go away and this sort of angry behavior isn't either. Get out now. Don't suggest to him that there's hope for this relationship if he does better. Just cite the long-distance thing. He may make noises about doing something to overcome that, or he may not, but I very much doubt whether he'll do anything.
posted by BibiRose at 6:33 AM on March 28, 2022
From the outside, this situation sounds objectively terrible for you, and I think all the warning signs are there for it to get worse over time. Obviously you need to make your own decisions, but personally I think you should break up and find yourself genuine happiness, whether that is solo or with someone who can love you and support you in a healthy way.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:41 AM on March 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Dip Flash at 6:41 AM on March 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
Saying, "I would prefer to live in a different way" is reason enough to break up with someone. They don't have to be a bad person to justify ending a relationship. Charity is a terrible reason to stay.
That said, my long distance academic relationship/marriage has been worth pursuing despite the hardships. We had (and to some extent still have) most of the same problems, but distributed a bit more equally between us. Some people actually *are* worth it. I doubt any of us can help you decide if that's true in this case.
posted by eotvos at 7:14 AM on March 28, 2022
That said, my long distance academic relationship/marriage has been worth pursuing despite the hardships. We had (and to some extent still have) most of the same problems, but distributed a bit more equally between us. Some people actually *are* worth it. I doubt any of us can help you decide if that's true in this case.
posted by eotvos at 7:14 AM on March 28, 2022
Does this sound realistic or possible to you?:
a) one of you relocates to another country, you move in together, and your income covers a large majority of your shared costs
c) and you are comfortable and happy to do so
d) and he is not resentful whatsoever about you being the main breadwinner.
Obviously other issues happening too, but from what you wrote, it sounds like you are skeptical you could achieve A through C. Which are the basic, foundational elements of a successful relationship in your current situation.
posted by RajahKing at 7:22 AM on March 28, 2022
a) one of you relocates to another country, you move in together, and your income covers a large majority of your shared costs
c) and you are comfortable and happy to do so
d) and he is not resentful whatsoever about you being the main breadwinner.
Obviously other issues happening too, but from what you wrote, it sounds like you are skeptical you could achieve A through C. Which are the basic, foundational elements of a successful relationship in your current situation.
posted by RajahKing at 7:22 AM on March 28, 2022
I also do not normally comment on relationship threads, but I just want to echo what someone said upthread: I think a lot of what you are experiencing as positive about this man may be down to the fact that he is a mature human being at 40 relative to most of the men your age you've dated.
posted by nosila at 7:22 AM on March 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by nosila at 7:22 AM on March 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
I want to add, as a side note to all this thoughtful advice: good for you for hitting the pause button before he got on the plane to visit. You carved out the space you needed in order to wrestle with the problems in this relationship, and to make challenging decisions. Nicely done.
posted by marlys at 7:26 AM on March 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by marlys at 7:26 AM on March 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
Oh man I would love to have the confidence that a man in his 40s with a precarious impoverished career and a lot of anger and resentment (justified! Academia is a shitshow and it's not the fault of academics who are trapped in it) and a drinking problem will just be a delightful partner to the MUCH YOUNGER WOMAN who outearns him by a significant margin but also will be fully dependent on him for her residency in the country where they live but uh
no
I mean you're describing him in what you think is his best possible light and he STILL sounds like he sucks?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:48 AM on March 28, 2022 [16 favorites]
no
I mean you're describing him in what you think is his best possible light and he STILL sounds like he sucks?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:48 AM on March 28, 2022 [16 favorites]
I have no idea whether you can "do better" or whether he's a prince or a raging drunk or what, but if your response to your long distance sweetie buying tickets to see you is anxiety and "here's why not" your relationship is over. You know what to do.
posted by kingdead at 9:02 AM on March 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by kingdead at 9:02 AM on March 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
As others said and I agree (have experience in academia on two continents) being an adjunct at 40 will not pay well and means he is extremely likely not to move up in academia. Is his situation his fault? It might not be. It happens a lot that qualified people who work hard still don't make it. On the other hand it might be. Maybe he didn't work hard enough in graduate school. It's likely that he is ignoring clear signals right now (that he has been an adjunct for some years). I understand, it is hard to give up and switch to something else, but he has a great reason to do so (you!) and it doesn't seem to have occured to him that maybe he could do something else so he doesn't have to rent a room in a shared house, so he could be mobile, so he could support you, etc.
The other stuff (drinking, anger, etc.) sounds awful too. But I mention the academia stuff because you are making him sound like the victim of the system. That may be true or partly true. It is a shitty system. But while he can't control the system, he can control whether his is in it (and maybe could have controlled where he is in it). You sound like an extremely patient and loving (and younger!) partner. After four years, he should be thinking about what he can do to make a life together more appealing for you.
I'm just an internet stranger, but if you want some random academic's assessment of his career chances, feel free to send a PM.
posted by melamakarona at 9:31 AM on March 28, 2022
The other stuff (drinking, anger, etc.) sounds awful too. But I mention the academia stuff because you are making him sound like the victim of the system. That may be true or partly true. It is a shitty system. But while he can't control the system, he can control whether his is in it (and maybe could have controlled where he is in it). You sound like an extremely patient and loving (and younger!) partner. After four years, he should be thinking about what he can do to make a life together more appealing for you.
I'm just an internet stranger, but if you want some random academic's assessment of his career chances, feel free to send a PM.
posted by melamakarona at 9:31 AM on March 28, 2022
notice you didn't say you loved him once in that whole wall of text, not did you say he loved you. please just break up.
posted by zdravo at 11:36 AM on March 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by zdravo at 11:36 AM on March 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
Oh sweetie. You are in your mid-20s dating an underemployed man who is over 40 and lives half a world away and he is sometimes cold and withdrawn and you had a stressful recent visit because he doesn't really have a good housing situation and he sometimes is mean when he's drinking?
You're not ending this relationship because of his job situation. You're ending this relationship because you don't have a happy present or a happy future together. If you move there, this will either implode incredibly quickly, when you see him on a day-to-day basis, or you will feel controlled and manipulated and you will doubt yourself even more.
You don't need a *reason* to end a relationship that isn't working. But, you have many reasons! And, yes, it's also okay to end a relationship because you are concerned about the person's financial situation, and the way he badgers you about yours.
I think you are seeing some good things that have come out of this relationship, so perhaps this framing will be helpful: you can both love many things about him and have experienced some truly good things in this relationship AND end it because you don't have a good future together. Breaking up doesn't mean that everything was bad, or that you don't value what you did gain and learn in this relationship. Breaking up when you can see some good and know it's time to break up is incredibly healthy and an important relationship skill.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:38 AM on March 28, 2022 [8 favorites]
You're not ending this relationship because of his job situation. You're ending this relationship because you don't have a happy present or a happy future together. If you move there, this will either implode incredibly quickly, when you see him on a day-to-day basis, or you will feel controlled and manipulated and you will doubt yourself even more.
You don't need a *reason* to end a relationship that isn't working. But, you have many reasons! And, yes, it's also okay to end a relationship because you are concerned about the person's financial situation, and the way he badgers you about yours.
I think you are seeing some good things that have come out of this relationship, so perhaps this framing will be helpful: you can both love many things about him and have experienced some truly good things in this relationship AND end it because you don't have a good future together. Breaking up doesn't mean that everything was bad, or that you don't value what you did gain and learn in this relationship. Breaking up when you can see some good and know it's time to break up is incredibly healthy and an important relationship skill.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:38 AM on March 28, 2022 [8 favorites]
Oops, I guess I have more to say. I think his age is a bit of a power differential in this relationship, and I think he's so undermined your confidence about how you spend your money and other decisions you make that it's become a kind of negging. He's knocking you down a few pegs (whether consciously or not) and then withdrawing emotionally so that you thirst for his approval -- that's my guess anyway. It's really hard to see out of this. You have so much life and so much vibrancy. Don't throw it away for an older man who is bitter and resentful.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:40 AM on March 28, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 11:40 AM on March 28, 2022 [7 favorites]
This: He is the sweetest, most considerate, and kind person I know. Except when he gets cold and withdrawn, which is usually in reaction to my emotional implosions.
contradicts this: ...he is patient and loving and affectionate and he loves me for who I am, which is so, so, difficult to find because I am neurotic and temperamental and mentally unstable...
In other words, if he loves you for who you are, why does he punish you by becoming cold and withdrawn when you experience episodes of neurosis and being temperamental?
And regarding this: But also he is the best thing to have happened to me.
Just because he's the best thing to have happened to you doesn't mean he is the best thing that will happen to you. You have so much life ahead of you to live. Say good-bye to him and go live your life to the fullest and find that thing that really will be the ultimate best!
posted by SageTrail at 11:48 AM on March 28, 2022
contradicts this: ...he is patient and loving and affectionate and he loves me for who I am, which is so, so, difficult to find because I am neurotic and temperamental and mentally unstable...
In other words, if he loves you for who you are, why does he punish you by becoming cold and withdrawn when you experience episodes of neurosis and being temperamental?
And regarding this: But also he is the best thing to have happened to me.
Just because he's the best thing to have happened to you doesn't mean he is the best thing that will happen to you. You have so much life ahead of you to live. Say good-bye to him and go live your life to the fullest and find that thing that really will be the ultimate best!
posted by SageTrail at 11:48 AM on March 28, 2022
This really stuck out to me:
"he's currently renting a single room in a shared house and when I was over visiting there was literally no room to put my things and it kind of made us fight a little bit because it was so cramped and things were everywhere and I couldn't find anything because my stuff had to be thrown in a pile in a corner."
If the dude can’t be bothered to clear a bureau drawer or a shelf for you when you visit him, how can you have and any confidence in his ability to be a good partner when you are living with him? Screw that. If he chooses to be a slob, that is fine, being his girlfriend doesn’t mean you have to live that way! He could have moved some of his junk out, borrowed a place, taken you to a hotel for a night etc.. In other words, he could have respected you have some needs and tried to accommodate them proactively.
Focusing on your issues lets him off the hook. (You know he can control his behavior, don’t you?) Maybe you are a hot mess, but I doubt it. It sounds like you’ve had some difficulties and are managing your life in a positive way. It sounds like you are responsible young woman doing pretty darn good.
Regarding the financial stuff –for him to act like you are shallow and care too much about money is baloney—you are wise to consider your financial future.
There is a reason he is not with someone in his own age range. Your youth, optimism, and relative inexperience in life is allowing you to overlook his deficits. In ten or twenty years, you will look back and see how unfair this is to you. Trust your feelings, honor future you and move on.
Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 3:48 PM on March 28, 2022 [6 favorites]
"he's currently renting a single room in a shared house and when I was over visiting there was literally no room to put my things and it kind of made us fight a little bit because it was so cramped and things were everywhere and I couldn't find anything because my stuff had to be thrown in a pile in a corner."
If the dude can’t be bothered to clear a bureau drawer or a shelf for you when you visit him, how can you have and any confidence in his ability to be a good partner when you are living with him? Screw that. If he chooses to be a slob, that is fine, being his girlfriend doesn’t mean you have to live that way! He could have moved some of his junk out, borrowed a place, taken you to a hotel for a night etc.. In other words, he could have respected you have some needs and tried to accommodate them proactively.
Focusing on your issues lets him off the hook. (You know he can control his behavior, don’t you?) Maybe you are a hot mess, but I doubt it. It sounds like you’ve had some difficulties and are managing your life in a positive way. It sounds like you are responsible young woman doing pretty darn good.
Regarding the financial stuff –for him to act like you are shallow and care too much about money is baloney—you are wise to consider your financial future.
There is a reason he is not with someone in his own age range. Your youth, optimism, and relative inexperience in life is allowing you to overlook his deficits. In ten or twenty years, you will look back and see how unfair this is to you. Trust your feelings, honor future you and move on.
Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 3:48 PM on March 28, 2022 [6 favorites]
I've just come from reading your questions relating to your father. I hate clichès, but they are clichès for a reason - they are very common situations. It may be worth thinking about how much of your feelings are tangled up in this being an older man who gives you attention and affection, and how you may be accepting of behaviour that you otherwise wouldn't tolerate because of that.
posted by Adifferentbear at 7:30 PM on March 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Adifferentbear at 7:30 PM on March 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by antihistameme at 8:20 PM on March 27, 2022