Am I selfish for wanting my father to wear clean clothes to my wedding?
March 23, 2022 4:44 PM Subscribe
I am getting married in a few months. My father is very resistant to anything he considers "dressing up," and I am feeling a lot of guilt around considering asking him to be more presentable for my upcoming wedding. I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable in wanting to say something, and if I do decide to say something, I don't know the kindest way to talk to him.
My fiance and I are getting married in June. It is a second wedding for both of us, so we are trying to keep it more casual than either of our first weddings were. But because of the number of guests (we both have SO many friends and family members), we are having it at a catering hall, and it is winding up a little more formal than a backyard or restaurant wedding would be. I'm not wearing a white gown, but I'm wearing a pink cocktail dress and and he's wearing a tux.
We are also hiring a great photographer because it's important to us to get pictures of all our loved ones together. We're in our late 40s and 50s and our parents are getting older. It means a lot to both of us to get photos of everyone that we'll have as keepsakes for the rest of our lives.
My father has always resented the social expectation of dressing up, but used to suck it up and deal with it on the occasional special event. He wore a tux to my first wedding and never complained, even though I know he wasn't thrilled. But he retired last year (in his late 60s) to be a full time caregiver to my disabled mother, and ever since he has let go of the few grooming standards he had to keep to at work. He is very proud of his "stick it to the man" attitude.
Last year, my cousin got married, and my dad didn't groom at all. He didn't brush his scraggly long hair and his long beard has never been trimmed. His clothes were decades old - he had frayed pants, a ratty blazer, and a polo shirt with stains and holes (of course no tie). We all kind of rolled our eyes and said, well, guess that's Dad.
I had hoped that perhaps he would feel slightly more obligated to be presentable as the father of the bride, but our conversation this weekend makes me fear he won't step up his game at all. I mentioned that we needed to come into town for my fiance to get fitted for his tux (we are having the wedding two hours away in my parents' city because my mother is not able to travel). My father said, "I certainly hope you aren't expecting me to wear a tux myself!" I replied, "oh no, this is a more casual wedding than my first, Fiance is wearing a tux but no one else is asked or expected to. A nice suit or something neat and presentable is all we were thinking."
He got a bit huffy and said "you know, your mother is going to be in a wheelchair, so we are going to have to take it easy!" I didn't press further at that point, but I took that to mean that he will wear absolutely anything he wants, no matter how messy or disheveled.
I really would love to have him clean up just a bit for the wedding and for the photos. But he has such a chip on his shoulder about it that I am feeling very guilty for even considering saying something. I understand that my mother will need to wear comfortable clothes because of her physical limitations, but I know she will at least make sure she's clean and not ratty. (He also wasn't clear on why her being in a wheelchair means HE has to "take it easy.")
Is it unreasonable of me to want to ask him to just wear clean clothes and brush his hair? Am I a bridezilla to wish that he would look just a little more put together for the wedding photos? And if I do talk to him, how on earth do I do it without making him feel bad about himself? This seems like such a painful conversation that I want to fall into a hole just thinking about having it. My family is famous for never having direct conversations with each other - everyone just complains behind each other's backs about the offending party. My fiance is way more comfortable with difficult conversations and has even volunteered to talk to my dad himself, and it's tempting to take him up on the offer, but I feel like it's my responsibility to have that conversation myself since it's my family.
I should add that this is a symptom of larger problems. My mother is in constant pain and it is very difficult for her to leave the house at all; I would say that this year she has only left the house a few times for doctor's appointments. Anytime I mention the wedding, they both act very put upon that we're asking them to attend (although they would never say it). They love my fiance and are happy we're getting married, but I think their preference would be to stay home. I would otherwise have had the wedding in NYC where we live, but then I would have been excluding them from being able to come and I couldn't imagine putting my parents in the position of it being impossible for them being at my wedding. But now I wonder if I made a mistake in assuming they would want to come to the wedding. Maybe I should have given them the out in the first place?
Also, my dad's grooming issues are a symptom of larger issues for them in general. They have an old house that is not suited to their needs, and it's very hard for them to take care of it and their pets. (My brother and I both live in different states and have offered to hire cleaners to help them out with upkeep but my father doesn't want strangers in the house.) Their health and mental wellbeing is declining but they resist any kind of help or discussion. I know that it is just going to be harder as they get older and I'm feeling kind of helpless about that. So it's definitely not just the wedding day that's the issue.
But I still do have to deal with the wedding day! Do I just suck it up myself and say oh well, my dad looks like a mountain man and that is who he is and who cares if he wouldn't even put a comb through his hair? I want pictures of them no matter what they look like, but I would really prefer if he just did SOMETHING a little nicer than stained or ripped clothing. I feel so selfish and entitled and like a bridezilla for even wanting that. If he does show up looking messy I will just roll my eyes internally and I won't let it impact the day at all, but it will make me feel a little sad that my wedding wasn't worth ANY kind of effort.
I am so indecisive if I should say anything, but if I do, what on earth should I say? How can I phrase it while keeping it kind? What would you do if you were me?
My fiance and I are getting married in June. It is a second wedding for both of us, so we are trying to keep it more casual than either of our first weddings were. But because of the number of guests (we both have SO many friends and family members), we are having it at a catering hall, and it is winding up a little more formal than a backyard or restaurant wedding would be. I'm not wearing a white gown, but I'm wearing a pink cocktail dress and and he's wearing a tux.
We are also hiring a great photographer because it's important to us to get pictures of all our loved ones together. We're in our late 40s and 50s and our parents are getting older. It means a lot to both of us to get photos of everyone that we'll have as keepsakes for the rest of our lives.
My father has always resented the social expectation of dressing up, but used to suck it up and deal with it on the occasional special event. He wore a tux to my first wedding and never complained, even though I know he wasn't thrilled. But he retired last year (in his late 60s) to be a full time caregiver to my disabled mother, and ever since he has let go of the few grooming standards he had to keep to at work. He is very proud of his "stick it to the man" attitude.
Last year, my cousin got married, and my dad didn't groom at all. He didn't brush his scraggly long hair and his long beard has never been trimmed. His clothes were decades old - he had frayed pants, a ratty blazer, and a polo shirt with stains and holes (of course no tie). We all kind of rolled our eyes and said, well, guess that's Dad.
I had hoped that perhaps he would feel slightly more obligated to be presentable as the father of the bride, but our conversation this weekend makes me fear he won't step up his game at all. I mentioned that we needed to come into town for my fiance to get fitted for his tux (we are having the wedding two hours away in my parents' city because my mother is not able to travel). My father said, "I certainly hope you aren't expecting me to wear a tux myself!" I replied, "oh no, this is a more casual wedding than my first, Fiance is wearing a tux but no one else is asked or expected to. A nice suit or something neat and presentable is all we were thinking."
He got a bit huffy and said "you know, your mother is going to be in a wheelchair, so we are going to have to take it easy!" I didn't press further at that point, but I took that to mean that he will wear absolutely anything he wants, no matter how messy or disheveled.
I really would love to have him clean up just a bit for the wedding and for the photos. But he has such a chip on his shoulder about it that I am feeling very guilty for even considering saying something. I understand that my mother will need to wear comfortable clothes because of her physical limitations, but I know she will at least make sure she's clean and not ratty. (He also wasn't clear on why her being in a wheelchair means HE has to "take it easy.")
Is it unreasonable of me to want to ask him to just wear clean clothes and brush his hair? Am I a bridezilla to wish that he would look just a little more put together for the wedding photos? And if I do talk to him, how on earth do I do it without making him feel bad about himself? This seems like such a painful conversation that I want to fall into a hole just thinking about having it. My family is famous for never having direct conversations with each other - everyone just complains behind each other's backs about the offending party. My fiance is way more comfortable with difficult conversations and has even volunteered to talk to my dad himself, and it's tempting to take him up on the offer, but I feel like it's my responsibility to have that conversation myself since it's my family.
I should add that this is a symptom of larger problems. My mother is in constant pain and it is very difficult for her to leave the house at all; I would say that this year she has only left the house a few times for doctor's appointments. Anytime I mention the wedding, they both act very put upon that we're asking them to attend (although they would never say it). They love my fiance and are happy we're getting married, but I think their preference would be to stay home. I would otherwise have had the wedding in NYC where we live, but then I would have been excluding them from being able to come and I couldn't imagine putting my parents in the position of it being impossible for them being at my wedding. But now I wonder if I made a mistake in assuming they would want to come to the wedding. Maybe I should have given them the out in the first place?
Also, my dad's grooming issues are a symptom of larger issues for them in general. They have an old house that is not suited to their needs, and it's very hard for them to take care of it and their pets. (My brother and I both live in different states and have offered to hire cleaners to help them out with upkeep but my father doesn't want strangers in the house.) Their health and mental wellbeing is declining but they resist any kind of help or discussion. I know that it is just going to be harder as they get older and I'm feeling kind of helpless about that. So it's definitely not just the wedding day that's the issue.
But I still do have to deal with the wedding day! Do I just suck it up myself and say oh well, my dad looks like a mountain man and that is who he is and who cares if he wouldn't even put a comb through his hair? I want pictures of them no matter what they look like, but I would really prefer if he just did SOMETHING a little nicer than stained or ripped clothing. I feel so selfish and entitled and like a bridezilla for even wanting that. If he does show up looking messy I will just roll my eyes internally and I won't let it impact the day at all, but it will make me feel a little sad that my wedding wasn't worth ANY kind of effort.
I am so indecisive if I should say anything, but if I do, what on earth should I say? How can I phrase it while keeping it kind? What would you do if you were me?
My mother is in constant pain and it is very difficult for her to leave the house at all; I would say that this year she has only left the house a few times for doctor's appointments
That's rough. If it were me, I definitely would offer to let them attend remotely via iPads or something. I know that doesn't answer your question about your dad's clothing, and I'm sure other people would feel differently, but if it were me and my parents in this situation making it hard for them to travel, I wouldn't expect them to attend. Re the clothes, I might say something like "I'd really appreciate it if you'd let me buy/rent you a suit' or whatever you want him to wear, but again, personally, I'd probably let them wear whatever they want.
posted by pinochiette at 4:52 PM on March 23, 2022 [6 favorites]
That's rough. If it were me, I definitely would offer to let them attend remotely via iPads or something. I know that doesn't answer your question about your dad's clothing, and I'm sure other people would feel differently, but if it were me and my parents in this situation making it hard for them to travel, I wouldn't expect them to attend. Re the clothes, I might say something like "I'd really appreciate it if you'd let me buy/rent you a suit' or whatever you want him to wear, but again, personally, I'd probably let them wear whatever they want.
posted by pinochiette at 4:52 PM on March 23, 2022 [6 favorites]
Are you marrying your dad? You need to disinvite him altogether, and they can attend remotely.
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:59 PM on March 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:59 PM on March 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
Is it possible that he's generally overwhelmed? It sounds like there is legitimately a lot on him, and he's not even able to just enjoy being retired -- possibly; you would know better than me.
However, if this rings true, then finding a way to get him some help, either all the time or just for the time leading up to / around the wedding (assuming he and/or your Mom really want to attend), could make a difference.
posted by amtho at 5:02 PM on March 23, 2022 [27 favorites]
However, if this rings true, then finding a way to get him some help, either all the time or just for the time leading up to / around the wedding (assuming he and/or your Mom really want to attend), could make a difference.
posted by amtho at 5:02 PM on March 23, 2022 [27 favorites]
I think you have a choice to make - you get photos with your dad (with your dad wearing whatever he wants), or you get to have "clean clothes" at your wedding. It is entirely a binary choice. It sounds like your dad is both in a difficult/tedious situation and disinclined to match your grooming standards. The chance that changes in the next two months is very low.
I think after you make that choice, you should focus more broadly on supporting your parents to enable sustainable long term care for your mother. Your father is likely in a place where he is struggling to provide that care, and it's showing. Any illness or malady that may strike your father may put your parents into place where no effective care for either parent is possible.
In a decade, I think you'll want parents that are healthy and mentally well-off more than you will want a wedding picture with your dad. I think the long term stability of your parents' situation should be your real goal.
posted by saeculorum at 5:04 PM on March 23, 2022 [38 favorites]
I think after you make that choice, you should focus more broadly on supporting your parents to enable sustainable long term care for your mother. Your father is likely in a place where he is struggling to provide that care, and it's showing. Any illness or malady that may strike your father may put your parents into place where no effective care for either parent is possible.
In a decade, I think you'll want parents that are healthy and mentally well-off more than you will want a wedding picture with your dad. I think the long term stability of your parents' situation should be your real goal.
posted by saeculorum at 5:04 PM on March 23, 2022 [38 favorites]
I think there's a difference between "the social expectation of dressing up" and actually being dirty/wearing things with lots of stains or holes.
I think you should tell him specifically to wear clothing that he likes and that he feels comfortable in but to pick individual items that are clean and in good shape. Maybe offer to buy him new clothing items of his choice, even if that ends up being a new white tshirt and new jeans or sweatpants or whatever.
posted by needs more cowbell at 5:07 PM on March 23, 2022 [15 favorites]
I think you should tell him specifically to wear clothing that he likes and that he feels comfortable in but to pick individual items that are clean and in good shape. Maybe offer to buy him new clothing items of his choice, even if that ends up being a new white tshirt and new jeans or sweatpants or whatever.
posted by needs more cowbell at 5:07 PM on March 23, 2022 [15 favorites]
You're not selfish at all. Also, I agree with everything in saeculorum's comment.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 5:07 PM on March 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 5:07 PM on March 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
I think there is a vast difference between dressing up and being clean and wearing clothes that are in good repair. One is about class and culture and situational choices. The other is about respect, both of yourself and the people you are interacting with. Like, when I’m in the depths of a depressive episode, I have trouble showering, and wearing clothes that aren’t ratty pajamas is a whole hurdle and something that keeps me in the house. Dealing with my hair is also a whole situation. But when I’m pulling out of depression, one of the first signs of this is when I can wear a put together outfit. In my case that’s like, anywhere from jeans that fit and a tshirt without pit stains all the way to a sweater dress and cute boots. But it’s a matter of respecting myself, and treating myself kindly. However, dressing up for an event is like, fifty billion levels of complex and potentially traumatic, even when I’m mentally robust. I’m female presenting and an odd size and shape so it’s extra complicated but the difficulty can absolutely be there for men as well.
I think you should be brave and have a clear conversation with both of your parents about this. Lay it out with concrete terms. Not “I want you to clean up and look nice”, but rather “please wear pants that are clean and don’t have holes, and a shirt that is stain free and fits you at the shoulders and waist. Jeans and a flannel shirt would be okay. I would love to go shopping with or for you if you think it would help. And my fiancé would like to invite you to a barber shop with him a couple days before the wedding, for his haircut, and while you are there maybe you could have your beard trimmed.”
It sounds like he is really in a difficult headspace, and there are a lot of things weighing on him. Weddings are stressful at the best of times. Being clear about exactly what you want is giving him a gift of clarity. Since he had to wear a tux for before, I bet he thinks you have much more complex fashion demands than you actually do. If a clean shirt and trousers aren’t within his capabilities, especially if you’re helping him shop for them, then I would definitely pivot to them attending virtually, and prioritize getting him at least some of the help they both clearly need.
posted by Mizu at 5:09 PM on March 23, 2022 [11 favorites]
I think you should be brave and have a clear conversation with both of your parents about this. Lay it out with concrete terms. Not “I want you to clean up and look nice”, but rather “please wear pants that are clean and don’t have holes, and a shirt that is stain free and fits you at the shoulders and waist. Jeans and a flannel shirt would be okay. I would love to go shopping with or for you if you think it would help. And my fiancé would like to invite you to a barber shop with him a couple days before the wedding, for his haircut, and while you are there maybe you could have your beard trimmed.”
It sounds like he is really in a difficult headspace, and there are a lot of things weighing on him. Weddings are stressful at the best of times. Being clear about exactly what you want is giving him a gift of clarity. Since he had to wear a tux for before, I bet he thinks you have much more complex fashion demands than you actually do. If a clean shirt and trousers aren’t within his capabilities, especially if you’re helping him shop for them, then I would definitely pivot to them attending virtually, and prioritize getting him at least some of the help they both clearly need.
posted by Mizu at 5:09 PM on March 23, 2022 [11 favorites]
I'm sorry you're dealing with this stuff. I will stick to answering your question about whether/how to talk to your dad about looking spiffier.
If I were you, I would be asking myself one question:
Will it be more upsetting to have your father underdressed/undergroomed at your wedding and in the photos than to have the proposed conversation with him?
You say you would prefer that he clean up and look presentable. Totally reasonable request. Some people are all about including mandatory dress codes like "whimsical dystopian rave cocktail" on the invite so you are just fine. But you are obviously really stressing out about asking him. So maybe you decide that it's not worth the stress. Or maybe you take your fiance up on his very loving and thoughtful offer. Does your dad like hats? Socks? Maybe gift him a spiffy something or other to wear and be happy with him sporting the Mountain Man With Nice Accessory look.
What I did at my wedding was ask people to wear whatever made them comfortable. I thought of it as a little gift I could give my loved ones to thank them for celebrating with us. I would do the same thing if I was getting married today.
Whatever you decide, don't beat yourself up about it. You are all good, you've got this. Wedding planning is a nightmare.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 5:14 PM on March 23, 2022 [6 favorites]
If I were you, I would be asking myself one question:
Will it be more upsetting to have your father underdressed/undergroomed at your wedding and in the photos than to have the proposed conversation with him?
You say you would prefer that he clean up and look presentable. Totally reasonable request. Some people are all about including mandatory dress codes like "whimsical dystopian rave cocktail" on the invite so you are just fine. But you are obviously really stressing out about asking him. So maybe you decide that it's not worth the stress. Or maybe you take your fiance up on his very loving and thoughtful offer. Does your dad like hats? Socks? Maybe gift him a spiffy something or other to wear and be happy with him sporting the Mountain Man With Nice Accessory look.
What I did at my wedding was ask people to wear whatever made them comfortable. I thought of it as a little gift I could give my loved ones to thank them for celebrating with us. I would do the same thing if I was getting married today.
Whatever you decide, don't beat yourself up about it. You are all good, you've got this. Wedding planning is a nightmare.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 5:14 PM on March 23, 2022 [6 favorites]
Your father's priorities seem…misplaced. He seems to think it is more important to "stick it to the man" than to show respect for an important occasion. Unless "the man" will be at your wedding.
I don't like wearing suits or ties either, but when the occasion demands it, I do. This occasion demands it. If I were in your place, I would have some harsh words with my father.
posted by adamrice at 5:19 PM on March 23, 2022 [5 favorites]
I don't like wearing suits or ties either, but when the occasion demands it, I do. This occasion demands it. If I were in your place, I would have some harsh words with my father.
posted by adamrice at 5:19 PM on March 23, 2022 [5 favorites]
Would it be possible to let your brother (or some other family member) deal with your father's attire and grooming? Could your brother take him shopping and to a barber before the wedding? If your father is opposed to spending money on new clothes maybe they could look in thrift shops. It doesn't even have to be a suit, just a decent shirt and pants. And could your brother or some other relative or close family friend take on the responsibility of helping your parents get to the wedding and get home from the wedding? You've got enough on your plate.
posted by mareli at 5:30 PM on March 23, 2022 [16 favorites]
posted by mareli at 5:30 PM on March 23, 2022 [16 favorites]
Can you afford to pay for some respite care for your mom? To give your Dad a break?
At the wedding itself, but more importantly in the time before/travel to/from?
A home health aide that can help with your Mom's care for a few days might make a big difference. (And may not be a bad idea in general, although I know that can be financially impossible and also very hard to get one's parents to consider -- if that's a conversation you want to have anyhow this could even be an opportunity to bring it up).
posted by nat at 5:40 PM on March 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
At the wedding itself, but more importantly in the time before/travel to/from?
A home health aide that can help with your Mom's care for a few days might make a big difference. (And may not be a bad idea in general, although I know that can be financially impossible and also very hard to get one's parents to consider -- if that's a conversation you want to have anyhow this could even be an opportunity to bring it up).
posted by nat at 5:40 PM on March 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
Is there a compromise to be made here?
I agree with the comments saying that it might be best for your parents to be allowed to stay home if they want to and if that's easier/safer for them (thinking also about likely rising COVID levels which may still be an issue in June, especially in regards to your mother's health). But perhaps you can meet things halfway and have the photographer come over to your parents' house to take photos of them together with you two as a sort of marker for the occasion, where perhaps you might not feel the pressure for your dad to be made up, but you can still get some memento of their being with you. Or if your dad doesn't want a stranger, you could take some pictures yourself, maybe have a little treat day where you get a cake and have a mini celebration with close family, something like that.
Also for what it's worth, I don't think you're being selfish. You're stressed about your wedding and worried about your parents. It's a lot. Those two things are going to magnify every problem and make the smallest hurts feel very present. But maybe you need to pick your battles here, both for your sake and your dad's sake, and ask if stressing yourself and your father out even more is going to be worth it in the long run.
posted by fight or flight at 5:41 PM on March 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
I agree with the comments saying that it might be best for your parents to be allowed to stay home if they want to and if that's easier/safer for them (thinking also about likely rising COVID levels which may still be an issue in June, especially in regards to your mother's health). But perhaps you can meet things halfway and have the photographer come over to your parents' house to take photos of them together with you two as a sort of marker for the occasion, where perhaps you might not feel the pressure for your dad to be made up, but you can still get some memento of their being with you. Or if your dad doesn't want a stranger, you could take some pictures yourself, maybe have a little treat day where you get a cake and have a mini celebration with close family, something like that.
Also for what it's worth, I don't think you're being selfish. You're stressed about your wedding and worried about your parents. It's a lot. Those two things are going to magnify every problem and make the smallest hurts feel very present. But maybe you need to pick your battles here, both for your sake and your dad's sake, and ask if stressing yourself and your father out even more is going to be worth it in the long run.
posted by fight or flight at 5:41 PM on March 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
Give your parents the option of attending remotely. I'm sure they will take it and would probably prefer it even to attending in person if you had had it in NYC. Your mom is in constant pain and your dad is worn out. I get the desire for photos but, you know, it's just photos. It's not real life. And you probably won't even enjoy those photos if you have to look at them knowing your parents were miserable in them.
posted by HotToddy at 5:46 PM on March 23, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 5:46 PM on March 23, 2022 [7 favorites]
You are absolutely not being a bridezilla! You just want your dad to look mildly presentable.
But yes, it does seem like he is likely stressed with caring with your mom. I would use a script something like this:
"Dad, I love you and mom dearly, and I'm so glad [fiancé] was open to planning the wedding in [hometown] so that you both could attend. It really means a lot to me for you to both be there, even if it is my second wedding. We've hired a professional photographer, and it would mean a lot to me if everyone looked nice for those photos. Of course, I want you in them regardless of what clothes you have on, but could you be persuaded to let me buy you a new outfit? It doesn't need to be fancy - a new tee shirt, sports jacket, and pair of jeans would be fine. I could have it shipped to your home so you don't need to bother going to a store. I don't want any material gift from you, but if you did this, it would be a really meaningful gift to me, but I'll still love you either way."
He of course might say no, but if you frame it as something that means a lot to you, he might go along.
Side note: a lot of people seem to think the parents need to travel to the wedding - the OP made clear though that she's having the wedding in their town so that they *don't* need to travel at all.
posted by coffeecat at 5:46 PM on March 23, 2022 [5 favorites]
But yes, it does seem like he is likely stressed with caring with your mom. I would use a script something like this:
"Dad, I love you and mom dearly, and I'm so glad [fiancé] was open to planning the wedding in [hometown] so that you both could attend. It really means a lot to me for you to both be there, even if it is my second wedding. We've hired a professional photographer, and it would mean a lot to me if everyone looked nice for those photos. Of course, I want you in them regardless of what clothes you have on, but could you be persuaded to let me buy you a new outfit? It doesn't need to be fancy - a new tee shirt, sports jacket, and pair of jeans would be fine. I could have it shipped to your home so you don't need to bother going to a store. I don't want any material gift from you, but if you did this, it would be a really meaningful gift to me, but I'll still love you either way."
He of course might say no, but if you frame it as something that means a lot to you, he might go along.
Side note: a lot of people seem to think the parents need to travel to the wedding - the OP made clear though that she's having the wedding in their town so that they *don't* need to travel at all.
posted by coffeecat at 5:46 PM on March 23, 2022 [5 favorites]
Our wedding photos are full of cringe, almost sixteen years on. Two of my bridesmaids no longer speak to me, and one of them is my sister. Another cherished guest also no longer speaks to me, and I swear she’s in all the damn candids. A handful of other guests went full-tilt Trump, and I no longer speak to them.
And then there is my MIL, who phoned several times to ask what color she should wear. I repeatedly told her, “Anything you like — except white or off-white, of course!”
Reader, she went out and bought a head-to-toe white outfit just for the occasion. I wouldn’t say she outshines or upstages me in all the family photos, but you can see that she’s doing her damnedest to make a fashion statement.
(I’ll cherish those photos despite all the cringe, because they’re also full of people I loved who are dead now.)
Some parents just do shit like this at their kids’ weddings because they get off on being contrary. They are not evil people, but maybe a little selfish in a way that rankles norm-respecters like you and me.
I think a “split the difference” approach, where Dad puts on casual clothes that are actually new and clean, is the best you can hope for, and only you know if you or other family members can successfully persuade him to meet you in that particular middle.
Worst case scenario, he refuses, and he’s your wedding’s equivalent of Bernie Sanders at the Biden inauguration. Which initially drove people like me up the wall, but it charmed and amused a lot of people in the cheap seats. Eventually I started smiling at it too.
posted by armeowda at 5:53 PM on March 23, 2022 [6 favorites]
And then there is my MIL, who phoned several times to ask what color she should wear. I repeatedly told her, “Anything you like — except white or off-white, of course!”
Reader, she went out and bought a head-to-toe white outfit just for the occasion. I wouldn’t say she outshines or upstages me in all the family photos, but you can see that she’s doing her damnedest to make a fashion statement.
(I’ll cherish those photos despite all the cringe, because they’re also full of people I loved who are dead now.)
Some parents just do shit like this at their kids’ weddings because they get off on being contrary. They are not evil people, but maybe a little selfish in a way that rankles norm-respecters like you and me.
I think a “split the difference” approach, where Dad puts on casual clothes that are actually new and clean, is the best you can hope for, and only you know if you or other family members can successfully persuade him to meet you in that particular middle.
Worst case scenario, he refuses, and he’s your wedding’s equivalent of Bernie Sanders at the Biden inauguration. Which initially drove people like me up the wall, but it charmed and amused a lot of people in the cheap seats. Eventually I started smiling at it too.
posted by armeowda at 5:53 PM on March 23, 2022 [6 favorites]
I see a couple possible paths here:
1) Hey Dad, can we have slightly awkward conversation? But it'll be over quick? It's important to me that our family all look nice on my wedding day, and I've been worrying over it. I know you are super busy with mom, so I brought over a few clothes for you both. I'd love if you and Mom could choose what you like most, is comfortable, and/or works well with what you were already planning to wear so it's not stressful for any of us at the last minute. It's nothing too fancy, and it would mean a lot to me. (And of course, you need to bring a few items for each of them -- keep it simple and basic, things that aren't too far off from what he already owns, but just cleaner and can be integrated into his rotation after the wedding. For your mom, maybe a nice shawl or lap blanket if she'll be in the wheelchair, a pin, necklace, scarf, or otherwise. I'd go for things that could cover or complement items they might already wear, and not strive to provide full outfits but instead just add some sparkle while still leaving the choices in their hands.)
2) Accept that your dad is who he is and embrace that who you really want to see in your wedding pictures 20 years from now is that loving, hardworking person with the wild hair and outfit who showed up for you on your wedding day despite being overwhelmed and exhausted by his role as a caregiver. Give him a boutonniere that will draw attention toward his face instead of his clothes, and instruct the photographer to be creative about taking pictures that don't highlight any flaws in his outfit. And then pay whatever you like to have the photographer fix stains/holes/frayed seams in post with photo editing!
posted by luzdeluna at 5:54 PM on March 23, 2022 [8 favorites]
1) Hey Dad, can we have slightly awkward conversation? But it'll be over quick? It's important to me that our family all look nice on my wedding day, and I've been worrying over it. I know you are super busy with mom, so I brought over a few clothes for you both. I'd love if you and Mom could choose what you like most, is comfortable, and/or works well with what you were already planning to wear so it's not stressful for any of us at the last minute. It's nothing too fancy, and it would mean a lot to me. (And of course, you need to bring a few items for each of them -- keep it simple and basic, things that aren't too far off from what he already owns, but just cleaner and can be integrated into his rotation after the wedding. For your mom, maybe a nice shawl or lap blanket if she'll be in the wheelchair, a pin, necklace, scarf, or otherwise. I'd go for things that could cover or complement items they might already wear, and not strive to provide full outfits but instead just add some sparkle while still leaving the choices in their hands.)
2) Accept that your dad is who he is and embrace that who you really want to see in your wedding pictures 20 years from now is that loving, hardworking person with the wild hair and outfit who showed up for you on your wedding day despite being overwhelmed and exhausted by his role as a caregiver. Give him a boutonniere that will draw attention toward his face instead of his clothes, and instruct the photographer to be creative about taking pictures that don't highlight any flaws in his outfit. And then pay whatever you like to have the photographer fix stains/holes/frayed seams in post with photo editing!
posted by luzdeluna at 5:54 PM on March 23, 2022 [8 favorites]
For someone mostly housebound, even a wedding in town is “travel”. If it involves getting in a car and preparing to be a way from the house for a day it’s still quite a significant effort and could likely use some support.
posted by nat at 6:01 PM on March 23, 2022 [23 favorites]
posted by nat at 6:01 PM on March 23, 2022 [23 favorites]
Sorry, I was one of the ones who misunderstood the location. But my advice is still the same.
posted by HotToddy at 6:03 PM on March 23, 2022
posted by HotToddy at 6:03 PM on March 23, 2022
it will make me feel a little sad that my wedding wasn't worth ANY kind of effort.
The best you can do for yourself is to let go of that story. Whatever is going with your dad is about him and how he is dealing with the world. While it would be lovely to have a parent who would be willing to do this for you, just because you asked, that's not the parent that you have. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you at all nor that your wedding is not worth any effort - just that he may not be able to put out the effort that you need on top of all the effort that he is putting into keeping everything minimally afloat at home.
posted by metahawk at 6:04 PM on March 23, 2022 [46 favorites]
The best you can do for yourself is to let go of that story. Whatever is going with your dad is about him and how he is dealing with the world. While it would be lovely to have a parent who would be willing to do this for you, just because you asked, that's not the parent that you have. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you at all nor that your wedding is not worth any effort - just that he may not be able to put out the effort that you need on top of all the effort that he is putting into keeping everything minimally afloat at home.
posted by metahawk at 6:04 PM on March 23, 2022 [46 favorites]
Another option is to have a jacket for him to put on for photos and spring it on him when you’re getting the group posed. Is there someone who could do touch up stuff for other relatives and also make him comb his hair? It would add nearly no work for him and since he sucked it up for your first wedding, he probably won’t throw a fit over being handed a jacket. You can be posed so his pants won’t show and a jacket will cover most other holes / stains.
(Also, it sounds like he’s overwhelmed and this is his very manly way of indicating that he’s not holding up great.)
posted by momus_window at 6:05 PM on March 23, 2022 [15 favorites]
(Also, it sounds like he’s overwhelmed and this is his very manly way of indicating that he’s not holding up great.)
posted by momus_window at 6:05 PM on March 23, 2022 [15 favorites]
I don't think this is an unreasonable thing to ask, but it sounds like it is not within his capacity to give, at this time.
There are times when things are so shitty, you don't want to make the effort of presenting yourself better - things are shitty and you want people to acknowledge that, and when they look at you, they have to acknowledge that. It's not necessarily a reasonable way of approaching something, but it happens. I don't know how much of a history your dad has with contrarianism, but to me this sounds like him trying to hide some issues with a thin layer of acid to make sure everyone stays well away. Your description of him actually reminds me of a few of my older/male family members.
There's also the fact that your parents would be making one of their first and few public appearances at a wedding, probably meaning family friends will be there, and very interested to catch up. It could be overwhelming for them on a lot of levels.
I wonder if you could meet in the middle and ask your dad to dress up, and the wedding photographer to show up at your parents' house? You could still get some nice photos, just not the standard wedding party ones.
I think an offer for them to attend virtually would be kind as well. I've never seen this described outright before, but I'll give it a shot here: when you're dealing with mental health shit, or chronic health shit, or just shit in general, big events start being overwhelming days before they occur, because you're worried about having enough spoons to groom, dress, and attend - and that worrying is an additional stressor of course, which makes you more tired and more anxious, and so on and so forth. So even if they do end up keeping attending in person on the table, and if a digital option is available, please let them know they are welcome to use it (if you're okay with that, as bride).
posted by snerson at 6:05 PM on March 23, 2022 [14 favorites]
There are times when things are so shitty, you don't want to make the effort of presenting yourself better - things are shitty and you want people to acknowledge that, and when they look at you, they have to acknowledge that. It's not necessarily a reasonable way of approaching something, but it happens. I don't know how much of a history your dad has with contrarianism, but to me this sounds like him trying to hide some issues with a thin layer of acid to make sure everyone stays well away. Your description of him actually reminds me of a few of my older/male family members.
There's also the fact that your parents would be making one of their first and few public appearances at a wedding, probably meaning family friends will be there, and very interested to catch up. It could be overwhelming for them on a lot of levels.
I wonder if you could meet in the middle and ask your dad to dress up, and the wedding photographer to show up at your parents' house? You could still get some nice photos, just not the standard wedding party ones.
I think an offer for them to attend virtually would be kind as well. I've never seen this described outright before, but I'll give it a shot here: when you're dealing with mental health shit, or chronic health shit, or just shit in general, big events start being overwhelming days before they occur, because you're worried about having enough spoons to groom, dress, and attend - and that worrying is an additional stressor of course, which makes you more tired and more anxious, and so on and so forth. So even if they do end up keeping attending in person on the table, and if a digital option is available, please let them know they are welcome to use it (if you're okay with that, as bride).
posted by snerson at 6:05 PM on March 23, 2022 [14 favorites]
I started to ask: Did you actually ever ask your parents directly if they wanted to come to the wedding? I think it's a bit late now since I think they feel obligated to come since it is nearby and now there's an additional obligation to "dress up." I realize that this is not an easy ask since it sounds like it is important to you that your parents be there, but I would consider whether there are other ways for them to be part of the day/event that are less angst producing for all parties.
I don't think you are being unreasonable, but if they want/intend to attend and it's more important to you that they are there than how your dad is dressed and groomed, I guess what I would do is express the preference and perhaps ask if there's anything you can do to help? but work on accepting that it's likely to not be taken up and that is is not a reflection of how your parents feel about you, your fiancé, your wedding day, etc.
Take him as he is and be glad he's there. Some of us didn't have our dads at our weddings and would've taken them however we could've.
I'm very sorry that you didn't have the experience that you wanted, but I think this is a seriously unkind and unhelpful thing to say.
posted by sm1tten at 6:10 PM on March 23, 2022 [9 favorites]
I don't think you are being unreasonable, but if they want/intend to attend and it's more important to you that they are there than how your dad is dressed and groomed, I guess what I would do is express the preference and perhaps ask if there's anything you can do to help? but work on accepting that it's likely to not be taken up and that is is not a reflection of how your parents feel about you, your fiancé, your wedding day, etc.
Take him as he is and be glad he's there. Some of us didn't have our dads at our weddings and would've taken them however we could've.
I'm very sorry that you didn't have the experience that you wanted, but I think this is a seriously unkind and unhelpful thing to say.
posted by sm1tten at 6:10 PM on March 23, 2022 [9 favorites]
“Dad, I know you’re not a big fan of dressing up, so I just wanted to let you know you can wear anything you like to the wedding. All I’m asking for is clean and whole :) do you have something that works or do you want me to pick you up a sweater (or shirt, or fresh tee, or whatever he prefers to wear), I know you have your hands full with caring for mom”.
Ideally he says “sure, pick me up a shirt” cos it ends the conversation quickest, so you pick up a nice version of whatever it is he usually wears and a nice pair of whatever he likes to wear on his legs while you are at it, he’s not gonna question it probably. Then it comes down to whatever he actually does on the day. I think your brother and husband and him doing a boys day and smoking cigars and going to the barbershop sounds great!
posted by Iteki at 6:14 PM on March 23, 2022 [5 favorites]
Ideally he says “sure, pick me up a shirt” cos it ends the conversation quickest, so you pick up a nice version of whatever it is he usually wears and a nice pair of whatever he likes to wear on his legs while you are at it, he’s not gonna question it probably. Then it comes down to whatever he actually does on the day. I think your brother and husband and him doing a boys day and smoking cigars and going to the barbershop sounds great!
posted by Iteki at 6:14 PM on March 23, 2022 [5 favorites]
I think if you have to say something, you should take your fiance up on his offer to have this talk with your dad. He will be able to be both direct and tactful in a way you simply can't.
But I think there's a chance, though, that any friction you apply to the works here, no matter how tactfully delivered, results in your parents last-minute being "unable" to attend the wedding, and you feeling really distressed about that for a long time. This isn't about you or how your dad feels about you or your wedding. It's him covering for how rough things have been taking care of your mom and what a hard time he's having managing by pretending that he's taking a rebellious, brave stance. It's a sign of the same shame that prevents them accepting housekeeping help.
So, if you say nothing and your parents look disheveled in your photos, how will you feel about those photos at your 25th wedding anniversary? If your parents aren't in the photos at all, how do you think you'll feel?
(Also, even if you have a talk with your dad and he makes what he thinks is his best effort for you, you might still see mostly the ways he missed the mark. Which is a recipe for resentment for both of you. How much more liberating to just plan for and accept in advance for him to be a slob?)
posted by shadygrove at 6:47 PM on March 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
But I think there's a chance, though, that any friction you apply to the works here, no matter how tactfully delivered, results in your parents last-minute being "unable" to attend the wedding, and you feeling really distressed about that for a long time. This isn't about you or how your dad feels about you or your wedding. It's him covering for how rough things have been taking care of your mom and what a hard time he's having managing by pretending that he's taking a rebellious, brave stance. It's a sign of the same shame that prevents them accepting housekeeping help.
So, if you say nothing and your parents look disheveled in your photos, how will you feel about those photos at your 25th wedding anniversary? If your parents aren't in the photos at all, how do you think you'll feel?
(Also, even if you have a talk with your dad and he makes what he thinks is his best effort for you, you might still see mostly the ways he missed the mark. Which is a recipe for resentment for both of you. How much more liberating to just plan for and accept in advance for him to be a slob?)
posted by shadygrove at 6:47 PM on March 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
A small detail that stuck out to me: could it be that the house is in a similar state as your father’s clothing and grooming, and that refusing the offer of assistance at home has to do with feeling shame about that, and that the contrarian attitude toward his personal grooming is defensive and coming from a similar place of shame?
If so, then likely that’s related to him feeling like he is failing a duty obligation he has to care for family. In which case a conversation opener might be something along the lines of, “I love you. Mom’s health situation is the sort of thing that most people find really overwhelming. As your child, because I love you both and also because I want to be a good child/daughter, I’ve also been feeling really helpless living so far away from you. I don’t know if you are feeling overwhelmed or not, but even if not, it would be a kindness to me to let me help in some way that I am able to from afar, like helping pay for someone who could help with Mom’s care or something. Is there anything along those lines that I could do that would actually be helpful for you and not intrusive? Please give me some way to feel useful.” Given that the wedding is coming up, you might be able to use that as a segue into the above, if you don’t mind your parents attending remotely, eg. by saying something like “I wanted to have my wedding near you so that you and Mom would have the option of attending and not feel excluded, but I know that it’s really difficult for Mom to even leave the house. So it’s totally okay if you two just attend remotely!” And then you could also discuss some good ways to be able to include them in your special day that work better for them.
As another commenter said, wanting your dad to be clean and wear clean clothes without holes in them at your wedding is entirely reasonable; while at the same time it doesn’t sound like that is something he can achieve currently.
To other commenters: yeah, some help with the poster’s Mom’s care or with house maintenance would likely help with that, but poster has also described that the Dad has been resistant to such offers. So our answers need to offer strategies to address that, not just tell the poster what they already know, that the Dad sounds like he really needs some help.
posted by eviemath at 6:48 PM on March 23, 2022 [12 favorites]
If so, then likely that’s related to him feeling like he is failing a duty obligation he has to care for family. In which case a conversation opener might be something along the lines of, “I love you. Mom’s health situation is the sort of thing that most people find really overwhelming. As your child, because I love you both and also because I want to be a good child/daughter, I’ve also been feeling really helpless living so far away from you. I don’t know if you are feeling overwhelmed or not, but even if not, it would be a kindness to me to let me help in some way that I am able to from afar, like helping pay for someone who could help with Mom’s care or something. Is there anything along those lines that I could do that would actually be helpful for you and not intrusive? Please give me some way to feel useful.” Given that the wedding is coming up, you might be able to use that as a segue into the above, if you don’t mind your parents attending remotely, eg. by saying something like “I wanted to have my wedding near you so that you and Mom would have the option of attending and not feel excluded, but I know that it’s really difficult for Mom to even leave the house. So it’s totally okay if you two just attend remotely!” And then you could also discuss some good ways to be able to include them in your special day that work better for them.
As another commenter said, wanting your dad to be clean and wear clean clothes without holes in them at your wedding is entirely reasonable; while at the same time it doesn’t sound like that is something he can achieve currently.
To other commenters: yeah, some help with the poster’s Mom’s care or with house maintenance would likely help with that, but poster has also described that the Dad has been resistant to such offers. So our answers need to offer strategies to address that, not just tell the poster what they already know, that the Dad sounds like he really needs some help.
posted by eviemath at 6:48 PM on March 23, 2022 [12 favorites]
It's not selfish. Also, nobody worth knowing will be offended if you let it go
posted by eotvos at 6:52 PM on March 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by eotvos at 6:52 PM on March 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
Buy a dress for your mom, help her pick it out, have her hair done, get your dad to a barber, non negotiable, rent him a suit, buy him some new gentleman's tennies. Tell him we all want to remember this day in our best light. Be firm. I put hp with this sort of team effort for a wedding in 2018.
posted by Oyéah at 7:21 PM on March 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Oyéah at 7:21 PM on March 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
You know your dad way more than me. However, from what you wrote, it is an assumption that he won't either agree to be presentable vis a vis a wedding or won't do it on his own. He may do it for his daughter. Isn't that his choice? Either be presentable for his daughter or stick it to the man or whatever concept is in his head.
I would ask myself why it is so important to you to have him not be in tatters. It is not a reflection on you. It is a reflection on him. What does your mother think? Is she embarrassed by his grooming habits? Are you embarrassed by his behavior? If I were 20 something and it was a first wedding and formal, I would aggressively get him to step it up for a day. In my 40s? Whatever, it is his problem not yours.
If it were me, I would ask him low key to dress not in tatters. I might even have my brother ask him for me. I would offer to buy him a new suit if he wanted it. Then, I would accept whatever he decides to do. I think it is easy for him to take a stand against the man months before the wedding. I also think on the day of or even the week of, he might back down and surprise you. I would also start to tell friends and family that your father has potential to be dressed in shabby chic. Lower everyone's expectations then not worry about it.
I would ask him in a low key way and then accept whatever his ultimate decision is.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:30 PM on March 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
I would ask myself why it is so important to you to have him not be in tatters. It is not a reflection on you. It is a reflection on him. What does your mother think? Is she embarrassed by his grooming habits? Are you embarrassed by his behavior? If I were 20 something and it was a first wedding and formal, I would aggressively get him to step it up for a day. In my 40s? Whatever, it is his problem not yours.
If it were me, I would ask him low key to dress not in tatters. I might even have my brother ask him for me. I would offer to buy him a new suit if he wanted it. Then, I would accept whatever he decides to do. I think it is easy for him to take a stand against the man months before the wedding. I also think on the day of or even the week of, he might back down and surprise you. I would also start to tell friends and family that your father has potential to be dressed in shabby chic. Lower everyone's expectations then not worry about it.
I would ask him in a low key way and then accept whatever his ultimate decision is.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:30 PM on March 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
Your dad has his hands full with your mother’s care, and you’ve already been married once before. This event doesn’t mean the same to him as it does to you, plus he’s exhausted. Give them an out; remote attendance or none at all, with no hard feelings either way. They will both feel relieved.
posted by BostonTerrier at 7:32 PM on March 23, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by BostonTerrier at 7:32 PM on March 23, 2022 [9 favorites]
My second husband's grandfather wore a boutonniere pinned to the front of his shabby polo shirt at our semi-formal wedding. It looked dumb as hell, but literally nobody said anything to him and we were too busy to care. He is who he is, and it's kind of funny seeing him in our wedding pictures and remembering what a character he was.
I'd give your folks a pass on dressing up. If they can come, let them be comfortable and get lots of pictures of them anyway. You'll look back on them fondly in the coming years, and I can guarantee that in retrospect, you won't care about what they wore.
We all kind of rolled our eyes and said, well, guess that's Dad
That's the spirit... do that again.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 7:54 PM on March 23, 2022 [10 favorites]
I'd give your folks a pass on dressing up. If they can come, let them be comfortable and get lots of pictures of them anyway. You'll look back on them fondly in the coming years, and I can guarantee that in retrospect, you won't care about what they wore.
We all kind of rolled our eyes and said, well, guess that's Dad
That's the spirit... do that again.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 7:54 PM on March 23, 2022 [10 favorites]
I think your parents need help and this question is beyond your dad wearing tidy clothes. It sounds like he doesn’t have capacity to worry about clothes. He may be overwhelmed and depressed. Do they have any help for your mother? Or for the house? Do they have money for help? Or for new clothes?
I am a disabled person with chronic pain that has a hard time getting out, though I don’t need that level of care. And it’s still exhausting sometimes for myself and my spouse when I DO need care, such as after surgery. It was exhausting for my dad caring for his dying parents before he could arrange help.
I think number one here is besides your wedding, see if you can support your parents. “Sticking it to the man” seems like he is barely holding himself above water and making an excuse for his depression and lack of self care. See if you can help, and see if you can offer them to attend remotely.
Remember how I said I don’t get out much? Well I definitely can’t travel. For my SIL’s wedding, we video chatted in so we could “attend”. Everyone understood.
So, I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting the idea of nice photos. But I think the focus needs to shift to the underlying issue here. And in that sense, there are more important things than a big party.
posted by Crystalinne at 8:05 PM on March 23, 2022 [13 favorites]
I am a disabled person with chronic pain that has a hard time getting out, though I don’t need that level of care. And it’s still exhausting sometimes for myself and my spouse when I DO need care, such as after surgery. It was exhausting for my dad caring for his dying parents before he could arrange help.
I think number one here is besides your wedding, see if you can support your parents. “Sticking it to the man” seems like he is barely holding himself above water and making an excuse for his depression and lack of self care. See if you can help, and see if you can offer them to attend remotely.
Remember how I said I don’t get out much? Well I definitely can’t travel. For my SIL’s wedding, we video chatted in so we could “attend”. Everyone understood.
So, I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting the idea of nice photos. But I think the focus needs to shift to the underlying issue here. And in that sense, there are more important things than a big party.
posted by Crystalinne at 8:05 PM on March 23, 2022 [13 favorites]
I don't think you're wrong or selfish to want your wedding to be what you want it to be. It's one of those days where is absolutely is all about you and your fiance.
I agree that it sounds like your dad is overwhelmed and this has heightened his usual casual attitude toward personal presentation. But (obviously, I don't know your dad) there may be a way to help him out, although it may mean a small bit of plan-changing around the wedding - the day before the wedding, have your fiance and all the groomsmen go out together for a 'man grooming' session (perhaps described to him as a 'boys' day out') and take your dad along (as well as buying him some clothes or maybe doing that separately yourself), while you and your bridesmaids spend some time with your mother, help her pick out a nice dress etc. Removing the barriers to doing something and making it something that he might enjoy knowing his wife is in good hands may just help.
Still, if he turns up at your wedding looking like a scarecrow (there's a retrospective dress code that would have saved the day ;-), be pleased he's there and accept this is who he is. It's not about a lack of respect for you, it's just dad being dad.
Yeah, it sounds like your parents need help beyond just your wedding day, but that's a task that doesn't need doing today.
posted by dg at 8:30 PM on March 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
I agree that it sounds like your dad is overwhelmed and this has heightened his usual casual attitude toward personal presentation. But (obviously, I don't know your dad) there may be a way to help him out, although it may mean a small bit of plan-changing around the wedding - the day before the wedding, have your fiance and all the groomsmen go out together for a 'man grooming' session (perhaps described to him as a 'boys' day out') and take your dad along (as well as buying him some clothes or maybe doing that separately yourself), while you and your bridesmaids spend some time with your mother, help her pick out a nice dress etc. Removing the barriers to doing something and making it something that he might enjoy knowing his wife is in good hands may just help.
Still, if he turns up at your wedding looking like a scarecrow (there's a retrospective dress code that would have saved the day ;-), be pleased he's there and accept this is who he is. It's not about a lack of respect for you, it's just dad being dad.
Yeah, it sounds like your parents need help beyond just your wedding day, but that's a task that doesn't need doing today.
posted by dg at 8:30 PM on March 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
This really feels like the crux of the issue for you: it will make me feel a little sad that my wedding wasn't worth ANY kind of effort.
This is not an unreasonable or selfish thing to feel! It is normal and okay to want our loved ones to “show up” for us, and many of our social rituals—like dressing up—are shorthand ways we show each other that we care. (“I took the time to groom special for you.”)
It may be that dressing up or even basic bodily maintenance like combing his hair is beyond his capacity at this point, given the demands on his life and time, and if that’s the case I think it would help you to let go of those expectations, and recognize that his not grooming would be entirely about his own capacity and not about you at all. He simply might not have the ability to engage in this ritual, whether he would like to or not.
That said, you are in the best position to know if his stated preferences are, in fact, a front for this kind of issue. But if we take him at his word, and he just enjoys being provocatively unkempt, I think one clear conversation would be a good idea. Something like, “Hey, Dad. It would really mean a lot to me if you dressed up a little for my wedding by getting your hair and beard trimmed, combing them, and wearing clothes that are nicer and in better shape than what you might wear every day. I know that dressing in this way isn’t something that’s meaningful to you, but it would be very meaningful thing to me. It would make me feel loved and cared for, to know you did this to make me happy, and it would make me feel that you wanted to mark the day as special. I would remember that feeling every time I looked back on the photos and memories from my wedding. If there’s anything I can do to help make this easier for you, like scheduling a barber or hiring help for mom or buying clothes for you to try on or arranging dry cleaner pickups, I would be really happy to help.”
It’s possible that you will have this conversation and your dad will decide that “sticking it to the man” is more important to him than your wishes here, and if that’s the case there’s really nothing you can do but manage your own emotions about that. But I think you owe it to yourself to have one conversation where you make your desires and your reasoning explicitly clear, and then the ball is in his court.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 8:51 PM on March 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
This is not an unreasonable or selfish thing to feel! It is normal and okay to want our loved ones to “show up” for us, and many of our social rituals—like dressing up—are shorthand ways we show each other that we care. (“I took the time to groom special for you.”)
It may be that dressing up or even basic bodily maintenance like combing his hair is beyond his capacity at this point, given the demands on his life and time, and if that’s the case I think it would help you to let go of those expectations, and recognize that his not grooming would be entirely about his own capacity and not about you at all. He simply might not have the ability to engage in this ritual, whether he would like to or not.
That said, you are in the best position to know if his stated preferences are, in fact, a front for this kind of issue. But if we take him at his word, and he just enjoys being provocatively unkempt, I think one clear conversation would be a good idea. Something like, “Hey, Dad. It would really mean a lot to me if you dressed up a little for my wedding by getting your hair and beard trimmed, combing them, and wearing clothes that are nicer and in better shape than what you might wear every day. I know that dressing in this way isn’t something that’s meaningful to you, but it would be very meaningful thing to me. It would make me feel loved and cared for, to know you did this to make me happy, and it would make me feel that you wanted to mark the day as special. I would remember that feeling every time I looked back on the photos and memories from my wedding. If there’s anything I can do to help make this easier for you, like scheduling a barber or hiring help for mom or buying clothes for you to try on or arranging dry cleaner pickups, I would be really happy to help.”
It’s possible that you will have this conversation and your dad will decide that “sticking it to the man” is more important to him than your wishes here, and if that’s the case there’s really nothing you can do but manage your own emotions about that. But I think you owe it to yourself to have one conversation where you make your desires and your reasoning explicitly clear, and then the ball is in his court.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 8:51 PM on March 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
Do they have any help for your mother? Or for the house?
OP mentioned that her parents live "in an old house that is not suited to their needs" and that both she and her brother have offered to pay for cleaners "to help them out with upkeep, but my father doesn't want strangers in the house."
My sister and I experienced a compressed version of this last year, after my 85-year-old mom was diagnosed with cancer. She and my 84-year-old dad (who was trying to care for her at home and tend to their old and rambling house) steadfastly resisted having a cleaner come in until three weeks before Mom's death, in a hospice bed at the local hospital.
That said, this resistance to accepting help is an attitude I've grown to understand. The heating unit in my condo caved this winter. I didn't tell anyone -- just bought a small space heater and worked around it -- and then let it slip to a friend. The next thing I knew, arrangements had been made to fix it.
Which is great! But it has entailed allowing tradespeople into a place that was ankle-deep in unwashed clothes, unsorted mail, and pizza boxes due to a combination of depression, grief, ADD, hypothyroidism, menopause, and isolation. I had to a) admit that I couldn't run my life on my own and b) allow strangers into my lair to see what poor life management skills look like. Things are slowly getting better, but it's been really fucking hard.
posted by virago at 8:53 PM on March 23, 2022 [27 favorites]
OP mentioned that her parents live "in an old house that is not suited to their needs" and that both she and her brother have offered to pay for cleaners "to help them out with upkeep, but my father doesn't want strangers in the house."
My sister and I experienced a compressed version of this last year, after my 85-year-old mom was diagnosed with cancer. She and my 84-year-old dad (who was trying to care for her at home and tend to their old and rambling house) steadfastly resisted having a cleaner come in until three weeks before Mom's death, in a hospice bed at the local hospital.
That said, this resistance to accepting help is an attitude I've grown to understand. The heating unit in my condo caved this winter. I didn't tell anyone -- just bought a small space heater and worked around it -- and then let it slip to a friend. The next thing I knew, arrangements had been made to fix it.
Which is great! But it has entailed allowing tradespeople into a place that was ankle-deep in unwashed clothes, unsorted mail, and pizza boxes due to a combination of depression, grief, ADD, hypothyroidism, menopause, and isolation. I had to a) admit that I couldn't run my life on my own and b) allow strangers into my lair to see what poor life management skills look like. Things are slowly getting better, but it's been really fucking hard.
posted by virago at 8:53 PM on March 23, 2022 [27 favorites]
"Mom, Dad, our wedding colour scheme is grey and navy. I got you this comfy shirt, pants, and blazer, Dad, and Mom I got you this soft pretty sweater and these soft pants and these big warm comfy shoes so your feet don't hurt since you haven't worn shoes for a while. I'm so grateful you're both going to be at this day that I wanted to take off the pressure of having to prepare clothes etc. I also hired a PSW to come along and help Mom if you need to use the bathroom."
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:24 PM on March 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:24 PM on March 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
Are there maybe some things that your mother used to do for the both of them that she's not able to do anymore? Such as buying clothes? It can be a bit overwhelming if someone isn't familiar with it. I'd buy them each a couple of sets of clothing, not "nice clothes" specifically, but clothing that would be acceptable for them to wear to your wedding but also comfortable for day to day. Someone at the wedding can just happen to have an "extra" jacket around if you really want him to wear one for photos.
We are also hiring a great photographer because it's important to us to get pictures of all our loved ones together. We're in our late 40s and 50s and our parents are getting older. It means a lot to both of us to get photos of everyone that we'll have as keepsakes for the rest of our lives.
My mother is in constant pain and it is very difficult for her to leave the house at all
Also, consider that it might be extremely difficult for them to come to your wedding, and that your mother might be in increasing amounts of pain over the event. If they do come, plan to do these photos much sooner in the process than the usual after the ceremony timing.
Another option would be to go to their home for photos, you can hire a professional photographer for this on a different day than the wedding, someone who has a portable backdrop. If they aren't comfortable with that maybe there is a setting VERY nearby that could work, such as a park.
If they are going to travel anywhere, provide anything they would need to make this as comfortable and easy as possible. If it's hard for them to transport a wheelchair or transferring to a car is more painful, there are services that can help with that. Don't just book one without consulting your parents, medical needs are very individual and you don't want to be guessing at what is needed.
posted by yohko at 10:28 PM on March 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
We are also hiring a great photographer because it's important to us to get pictures of all our loved ones together. We're in our late 40s and 50s and our parents are getting older. It means a lot to both of us to get photos of everyone that we'll have as keepsakes for the rest of our lives.
My mother is in constant pain and it is very difficult for her to leave the house at all
Also, consider that it might be extremely difficult for them to come to your wedding, and that your mother might be in increasing amounts of pain over the event. If they do come, plan to do these photos much sooner in the process than the usual after the ceremony timing.
Another option would be to go to their home for photos, you can hire a professional photographer for this on a different day than the wedding, someone who has a portable backdrop. If they aren't comfortable with that maybe there is a setting VERY nearby that could work, such as a park.
If they are going to travel anywhere, provide anything they would need to make this as comfortable and easy as possible. If it's hard for them to transport a wheelchair or transferring to a car is more painful, there are services that can help with that. Don't just book one without consulting your parents, medical needs are very individual and you don't want to be guessing at what is needed.
posted by yohko at 10:28 PM on March 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
Lots of people have mentioned that getting dressed up might be beyond your Dad's capacity at the moment due to mental health problems or general overwhelm. I just wanted to add the possibility that he may be suffering from dementia. His "stick it to the man" attitude may be a complete front for the fact that he's no longer able to figure out "how to clothes" in a societally acceptable fashion, and he may be terrified of anyone finding out.
posted by quacks like a duck at 10:45 PM on March 23, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by quacks like a duck at 10:45 PM on March 23, 2022 [8 favorites]
My parents sound very similar to yours in pretty much all the ways.
I know that my father will accept goddamn nearly anyone as an authority on an issue unless it's me, his actual only child, who apparently requires the most mansplainly mansplaining on nearly any topic. I say this to suggest that perhaps your partner should, in fact, be the one to ask if he could just clean himself up a bit.
posted by desuetude at 11:01 PM on March 23, 2022 [7 favorites]
I know that my father will accept goddamn nearly anyone as an authority on an issue unless it's me, his actual only child, who apparently requires the most mansplainly mansplaining on nearly any topic. I say this to suggest that perhaps your partner should, in fact, be the one to ask if he could just clean himself up a bit.
posted by desuetude at 11:01 PM on March 23, 2022 [7 favorites]
Are you sure your dad has tidy clothes that fit him? Being a full time caregiver is a lot of work. I would offer to buy him some decent khakis and a button up, brought to him the day before the wedding. But getting your mom out of the house sounds super hard, too! Can anyone help him? He might be blistering as an excuse.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:17 PM on March 23, 2022
posted by bluedaisy at 11:17 PM on March 23, 2022
“Dad I know you don’t love dressing up and I know Mom is in a wheelchair, and I also know that this is a big opportunity for us to take a family photo that will really mean a lot to me in the future, so I was hoping you guys could dress up on the day with the assistance of $bridesmaid who will come and help mom spruce up while you get yourself ready. Would that be OK with you?”
posted by hungrytiger at 11:23 PM on March 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by hungrytiger at 11:23 PM on March 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
Yeah I think there's a pretty good chance your father is masking his lack of ability by pretending it's a choice.
My father did that. When he was about 70, he turned up at his brother's wedding wearing a Mickey Mouse t-shirt, which was kind of a shock to everybody and prompted us to pay more attention to how he was doing. It turned out he wasn't doing super great. I wouldn't say the t-shirt was a cry for help exactly, but it was closer to that than being an intentional provocation or snub.
I assumed my father would push back / be mortified if I stepped into clothing/grooming stuff, but eventually I placed an order with LL Bean and had it shipped to his house, and the next time I saw him, he was wearing all of it. So I started doing more of that. I ordered things in soft materials like corduroy and flannel and merino wool, because he was pretty physically uncomfortable. Plus stuff that didn't require manual dexterity -- like, pullovers not button-downs. And when I was at his place, I'd gather up and toss out the old stained undershirts and grubby khakis. We never talked about any of this: I just did it, he seemed fine with it, so I did it more. Eventually all he wore was stuff I'd bought him, and TBH he looked fabulous :)
So. I understand why you see this as a sensitive topic, but it may not be that sensitive for your dad. For him, it may be more of a practical issue, masquerading as huffy resistance.
FWIW I wouldn't do what some commenters have suggested and try to make the grooming stuff into a fun outing -- like, 'let's go shopping!' 'Let's get our beards trimmed!' It sounds like your dad isn't the kind of person who was ever into that sort of thing, so it seems unlikely he'd be into it now. And outings are hard on old people. I took my dad to buy new boots once and it was so obviously an ordeal for him; like, very very very not worth it, and I never tried it again.
posted by Susan PG at 6:07 AM on March 24, 2022 [18 favorites]
My father did that. When he was about 70, he turned up at his brother's wedding wearing a Mickey Mouse t-shirt, which was kind of a shock to everybody and prompted us to pay more attention to how he was doing. It turned out he wasn't doing super great. I wouldn't say the t-shirt was a cry for help exactly, but it was closer to that than being an intentional provocation or snub.
I assumed my father would push back / be mortified if I stepped into clothing/grooming stuff, but eventually I placed an order with LL Bean and had it shipped to his house, and the next time I saw him, he was wearing all of it. So I started doing more of that. I ordered things in soft materials like corduroy and flannel and merino wool, because he was pretty physically uncomfortable. Plus stuff that didn't require manual dexterity -- like, pullovers not button-downs. And when I was at his place, I'd gather up and toss out the old stained undershirts and grubby khakis. We never talked about any of this: I just did it, he seemed fine with it, so I did it more. Eventually all he wore was stuff I'd bought him, and TBH he looked fabulous :)
So. I understand why you see this as a sensitive topic, but it may not be that sensitive for your dad. For him, it may be more of a practical issue, masquerading as huffy resistance.
FWIW I wouldn't do what some commenters have suggested and try to make the grooming stuff into a fun outing -- like, 'let's go shopping!' 'Let's get our beards trimmed!' It sounds like your dad isn't the kind of person who was ever into that sort of thing, so it seems unlikely he'd be into it now. And outings are hard on old people. I took my dad to buy new boots once and it was so obviously an ordeal for him; like, very very very not worth it, and I never tried it again.
posted by Susan PG at 6:07 AM on March 24, 2022 [18 favorites]
I agree that it seems likely he is doing what it's in his capacity to do right now - coming to the wedding in person is the effort he is making. I think you can ask if there's anything you can do to make the wedding day easier, up to and including a virtual attendance option. That may or may not do anything about clothing specifically, but if you can free up some of his limited energy and abilities in other ways, perhaps it will make a space to address clothing.
If he does come in person, though, I think the hair part could be the easiest low-pressure part of this to address. Just have a chat with your photographer ahead of time about a quick, impersonal, general: "Okay, we're going to do photos soon, time for any quick touch-ups" and that can include "everyone touches up their hair." If it's just something that everyone is doing before photos - even if you know it's really mostly aimed at your dad - will he go along with it and just run a brush through his hair already? I don't know, but maybe you do.
One other possibility that's really dependent on family dynamics, but I come from an indirect conversation family too so maybe we have some commonalities here - can you recruit your mother to this cause? You say that you know she will make sure to be clean and not ratty, so it sounds like her expectations are in line with yours. Can you ask her whether she would be willing to be your partner in encouraging your dad to clean up just a little for the wedding? Maybe not; maybe she is also at her absolute limit. But maybe she'd also like some nice family photos and has leverage you don't to make it happen.
posted by Stacey at 6:21 AM on March 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
If he does come in person, though, I think the hair part could be the easiest low-pressure part of this to address. Just have a chat with your photographer ahead of time about a quick, impersonal, general: "Okay, we're going to do photos soon, time for any quick touch-ups" and that can include "everyone touches up their hair." If it's just something that everyone is doing before photos - even if you know it's really mostly aimed at your dad - will he go along with it and just run a brush through his hair already? I don't know, but maybe you do.
One other possibility that's really dependent on family dynamics, but I come from an indirect conversation family too so maybe we have some commonalities here - can you recruit your mother to this cause? You say that you know she will make sure to be clean and not ratty, so it sounds like her expectations are in line with yours. Can you ask her whether she would be willing to be your partner in encouraging your dad to clean up just a little for the wedding? Maybe not; maybe she is also at her absolute limit. But maybe she'd also like some nice family photos and has leverage you don't to make it happen.
posted by Stacey at 6:21 AM on March 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
Oh and also, re hair and beard trim. Why don't you try having someone (a family member, a friend) drop by with scissors and offer to do it for him on the spot? That might totally work if it's presented as the easy option, meaning he doesn't need to leave the house. And it would work for your purposes, because you don't need an A+, just basic presentability.
posted by Susan PG at 6:28 AM on March 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Susan PG at 6:28 AM on March 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
Not selfish, unrealistic.
Your dad and your mum are in crisis and they can't cope. If you want them to have any part in your wedding you need to find a way to support them and take the pressure off. People do not go around wearing the same worn out clothes if they have options. They might have clean clothes, but their lives are so bad right now that your dad is not up to the extra effort of changing. Comfortable clothes are one thing, stained and ratty ones are another.
Shame is a funny thing. If you dad and mum come to your wedding and the pictures show your dad was dressed in tattered stuff you are going to regret it every time you look at the pictures - but it is very possible it will not be because you are ashamed of him. He's doing the best he can in what sounds like an untenable situation.
Not changing clothes and not grooming is a sign of decompensation. I don't know if you can help or how, but your parents are drowning. There is stuff going on more important than what your dad is wearing.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:10 AM on March 24, 2022 [17 favorites]
Your dad and your mum are in crisis and they can't cope. If you want them to have any part in your wedding you need to find a way to support them and take the pressure off. People do not go around wearing the same worn out clothes if they have options. They might have clean clothes, but their lives are so bad right now that your dad is not up to the extra effort of changing. Comfortable clothes are one thing, stained and ratty ones are another.
Shame is a funny thing. If you dad and mum come to your wedding and the pictures show your dad was dressed in tattered stuff you are going to regret it every time you look at the pictures - but it is very possible it will not be because you are ashamed of him. He's doing the best he can in what sounds like an untenable situation.
Not changing clothes and not grooming is a sign of decompensation. I don't know if you can help or how, but your parents are drowning. There is stuff going on more important than what your dad is wearing.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:10 AM on March 24, 2022 [17 favorites]
What I think I would do is just buy new versions of clothes that he'd likely wear to the wedding, and drop them round and just tell him to wear them. Like, pants, a polo shirt and a blazer sounds like not perfect but also not a really terrible combination to wear as long as they were clean and didn't need mending. Since he wore that to your cousin's wedding last year, he can wear a less shabby version of the same to yours.
And yes to letting people you trust know that your dad is likely to be underdressed and that's ok with you will probably help.
posted by plonkee at 7:10 AM on March 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
And yes to letting people you trust know that your dad is likely to be underdressed and that's ok with you will probably help.
posted by plonkee at 7:10 AM on March 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
Don't worry about the photos. Let your dad be in them wearing what he wants. My posed wedding photos were awful, and I have looked at them maybe three times in the decades since I got married. Your friends are going to take a million snapshots and you can copy the ones you like, which will doubtless include some of your dad and other old friends and relatives; for me, those are the ones I like to look at.
There are bigger issues here and I'm not trying to minimize them. But as far as the formal photos: let it go.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:49 AM on March 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
There are bigger issues here and I'm not trying to minimize them. But as far as the formal photos: let it go.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:49 AM on March 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
When I got married my grandfather attended in jeans with a denim jacket. It had apparently been an effort to swap the jackets as his original one had a completely destroyed leather collar and he was insistent. My grandmother managed to get him to at least wear a different and less obviously wrecked denim jacket. I didn't care or notice on the day, and I look back with fondness.
Because at that point my grandfather's Parkinson's was fairly advanced. Not physically so much as the internal mental aspect. For him that was a weird level of anxiety and control. He was always an introvert, the wedding was further away in an unfamiliar place, and his anxiety exhibited in his determination to wear a specific outfit. On the day I was too distracted to really care, and my grandmother apologised, but to me (twenty or so years later, after divorce and my grandfather passing) it's a bleakly funny story about that period in our lives where his illness manifested so very weirdly. He had always been proud of his appearance and also counterculture in many ways, liking to tweak the nose of convention, so it wasn't hugely unexpected.
I understand the desire to have these mementos, but they are ephemera of a moment. They are not the memory and moment. I'm glad my grandfather was there and yes, they are weird photos with everyone in suits, my mother's outfit looking more like a sari than a dress because of how her scarf kept ending up around her, grandpa in a denim suit, my dad in a suit (he is big enough it needed to be special ordered), one of the bridesmaids in docs, but even after divorce I do cherish that moment of them as who they are.
But like everyone says, there is an underlying problem - your dad needs help and doesn't want it. That's the overarching discomfort too. If I couldn't get them to accept a cleaner and assistance like that, I'd at least try for a "spa day" and coming over myself to tidy.
posted by geek anachronism at 3:36 PM on March 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
Because at that point my grandfather's Parkinson's was fairly advanced. Not physically so much as the internal mental aspect. For him that was a weird level of anxiety and control. He was always an introvert, the wedding was further away in an unfamiliar place, and his anxiety exhibited in his determination to wear a specific outfit. On the day I was too distracted to really care, and my grandmother apologised, but to me (twenty or so years later, after divorce and my grandfather passing) it's a bleakly funny story about that period in our lives where his illness manifested so very weirdly. He had always been proud of his appearance and also counterculture in many ways, liking to tweak the nose of convention, so it wasn't hugely unexpected.
I understand the desire to have these mementos, but they are ephemera of a moment. They are not the memory and moment. I'm glad my grandfather was there and yes, they are weird photos with everyone in suits, my mother's outfit looking more like a sari than a dress because of how her scarf kept ending up around her, grandpa in a denim suit, my dad in a suit (he is big enough it needed to be special ordered), one of the bridesmaids in docs, but even after divorce I do cherish that moment of them as who they are.
But like everyone says, there is an underlying problem - your dad needs help and doesn't want it. That's the overarching discomfort too. If I couldn't get them to accept a cleaner and assistance like that, I'd at least try for a "spa day" and coming over myself to tidy.
posted by geek anachronism at 3:36 PM on March 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
A thought experiment. A friend or relative comes to you at the reception and asks, "Why aren't your parents here?" Your honest answer: "They wouldn't dress up for my wedding," does make you sound selfish and small-minded. Don't you think?
Oh, everyone wants a fairy-tale perfect wedding but in years to come, it won't matter. And the flaws will cement memories.
posted by tmdonahue at 5:47 AM on March 25, 2022
Oh, everyone wants a fairy-tale perfect wedding but in years to come, it won't matter. And the flaws will cement memories.
posted by tmdonahue at 5:47 AM on March 25, 2022
One thought -- was your mother the person in charge of how your dad looked? Did she have a lot to say about current fashions, hairstyles, the right footwear, etc.? Did she veto one aftershave or shampoo over another?
This may be about your father going forward without having her input. It hurts.
I would get the men in my life on board with providing decent clean clothes for the wedding. A video feed for backup would also be a good idea, since the wedding may not be on a good day for them due to health issues.
Let them know you can work around their schedule. But your expectations are not unreasonable, if your parents can honestly achieve them.
I would want my parents in the photos for the once in a lifetime memories.
posted by TrishaU at 11:43 PM on March 27, 2022
This may be about your father going forward without having her input. It hurts.
I would get the men in my life on board with providing decent clean clothes for the wedding. A video feed for backup would also be a good idea, since the wedding may not be on a good day for them due to health issues.
Let them know you can work around their schedule. But your expectations are not unreasonable, if your parents can honestly achieve them.
I would want my parents in the photos for the once in a lifetime memories.
posted by TrishaU at 11:43 PM on March 27, 2022
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My son got married two years ago in a tent right outside my mother's house. She is not very mobile and didn't attend the ceremony. The couple came into her room to pay their respects before the service, but no one was angry that she just wasn't up to attending.
posted by mmf at 4:51 PM on March 23, 2022 [31 favorites]