Dealing with guilt about being introverted
May 9, 2019 8:40 AM Subscribe
I am very introverted, and have come to accept this (I have read books like Susan Cain's The Power of Introverts).
But I feel guilty and like I'm letting my family, friends and even new acquaintances down.
How do I deal with this?
For example, a family member or friend introduces me to someone and I sense that they are disappointed that I'm not outgoing enough and they say things like 'I'm sorry you'll have to excuse him, he's pretty reserved'. (I do engage in conversation and politely ask questions/all of the usual suggestions when it comes to making conversation, it's not that I'm being rude by just not talking or something). Then I feel bad and guilty because I feel like I have reflected badly on the family member/friend.
I have a very introvert-friendly and pretty high-paying job but my family are sort of embarrassed that I work alone from home and don't think it's a 'real' job.
Another example is when I meet somebody new and they are having to put all of the work into the conversation and I sense a sort of disappointment from them like they'd rather be talking to someone more outgoing. Or someone gets left alone with me and I feel like they are thinking 'oh no, I've been stuck with the introverted guy' and I feel guilty about that. I do my best to be as talkative as possible but it's not usually enough.
All of this sometimes leads me to feeling like I'm not enough for other people and that I'm a burden and an embarrassment to my family, even though I personally have accepted that I'm introverted and can see how it's a strength in a lot of ways.
I've already spoken to my therapist about it but I would like more ideas. Thanks very much.
For example, a family member or friend introduces me to someone and I sense that they are disappointed that I'm not outgoing enough and they say things like 'I'm sorry you'll have to excuse him, he's pretty reserved'. (I do engage in conversation and politely ask questions/all of the usual suggestions when it comes to making conversation, it's not that I'm being rude by just not talking or something). Then I feel bad and guilty because I feel like I have reflected badly on the family member/friend.
I have a very introvert-friendly and pretty high-paying job but my family are sort of embarrassed that I work alone from home and don't think it's a 'real' job.
Another example is when I meet somebody new and they are having to put all of the work into the conversation and I sense a sort of disappointment from them like they'd rather be talking to someone more outgoing. Or someone gets left alone with me and I feel like they are thinking 'oh no, I've been stuck with the introverted guy' and I feel guilty about that. I do my best to be as talkative as possible but it's not usually enough.
All of this sometimes leads me to feeling like I'm not enough for other people and that I'm a burden and an embarrassment to my family, even though I personally have accepted that I'm introverted and can see how it's a strength in a lot of ways.
I've already spoken to my therapist about it but I would like more ideas. Thanks very much.
Give your family members Susan Cain's Quiet so that they can stop being idiots. The following:
-I'm sorry you'll have to excuse him, he's pretty reserved
-my family are sort of embarrassed that I work alone from home
...are not your fault, this is like them being embarrassed about the colour of your hair. It's demeaning and unfair. Ask them to stop and ask them to read the book about the benefits of being an introvert.
I have an introvert husband and I would never say you have to excuse him for being who he is! I do, as the person who's out socializing, usually at a point in a friendship have to explain that my spouse probably won't come to 90% of the invited events because he's an introvert in an extrovert job and sometimes just needs to recharge...and anyone worth being my friend just accepts that. If someone is continually upset that my husband isn't on my arm for events, they can bite me. My husband is great exactly who he is, and who he is can handle a big family party 1, maybe 2 times a month and that's it, so 12-15 a year.
Now this: Another example is when I meet somebody new and they are having to put all of the work into the conversation and I sense a sort of disappointment from them like they'd rather be talking to someone more outgoing. Or someone gets left alone with me and I feel like they are thinking 'oh no, I've been stuck with the introverted guy' and I feel guilty about that. I do my best to be as talkative as possible but it's not usually enough. is you judging yourself. Do you know for sure that people want you to be talkative? Listeners are usually in very short supply. If you want a 'fix' maybe focus on having good questions to ask. But my guess is they are not judging you, they are just also feeling uncomfortable in a new social situation.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:05 AM on May 9, 2019 [12 favorites]
-I'm sorry you'll have to excuse him, he's pretty reserved
-my family are sort of embarrassed that I work alone from home
...are not your fault, this is like them being embarrassed about the colour of your hair. It's demeaning and unfair. Ask them to stop and ask them to read the book about the benefits of being an introvert.
I have an introvert husband and I would never say you have to excuse him for being who he is! I do, as the person who's out socializing, usually at a point in a friendship have to explain that my spouse probably won't come to 90% of the invited events because he's an introvert in an extrovert job and sometimes just needs to recharge...and anyone worth being my friend just accepts that. If someone is continually upset that my husband isn't on my arm for events, they can bite me. My husband is great exactly who he is, and who he is can handle a big family party 1, maybe 2 times a month and that's it, so 12-15 a year.
Now this: Another example is when I meet somebody new and they are having to put all of the work into the conversation and I sense a sort of disappointment from them like they'd rather be talking to someone more outgoing. Or someone gets left alone with me and I feel like they are thinking 'oh no, I've been stuck with the introverted guy' and I feel guilty about that. I do my best to be as talkative as possible but it's not usually enough. is you judging yourself. Do you know for sure that people want you to be talkative? Listeners are usually in very short supply. If you want a 'fix' maybe focus on having good questions to ask. But my guess is they are not judging you, they are just also feeling uncomfortable in a new social situation.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:05 AM on May 9, 2019 [12 favorites]
Fiercecupcake has it; people do love to talk about themselves. Also, don't forget that meeting a person for the very first time is ALWAYS, ALWAYS awkward, and the people who think that you only have three seconds to be the perfect conversationalist are idiots. ALWAYS awkward. You have absolutely no idea what person likes or dislikes; they have no way of knowing whether yoga has saved your life or traumatized you as a child. So you both dance around for a few minutes or more, to get a feel for things; that's how it always works.
Good luck!
posted by Melismata at 9:13 AM on May 9, 2019 [4 favorites]
Good luck!
posted by Melismata at 9:13 AM on May 9, 2019 [4 favorites]
I am you. I feel the exact same things as you do in the situations you describe. I believe you and I do not believe that you are just "projecting" or that it's all in your head as other commenters have suggested. People really do expect a certain level of interaction with others, and their disappointment when they don't get it is palpable. I'm "a good listener" and it's not enough.
I wish I had more advice for you, but perhaps it's reassuring to know that other introverts are in the same boat.
posted by all the light we cannot see at 9:17 AM on May 9, 2019 [15 favorites]
I wish I had more advice for you, but perhaps it's reassuring to know that other introverts are in the same boat.
posted by all the light we cannot see at 9:17 AM on May 9, 2019 [15 favorites]
Response by poster: Don't mean to threadsit but just wanted to point out that all the light we cannot see is the one who most gets what I am talking about. (the other answers are also valid and helpful!)
posted by iamsuper at 9:25 AM on May 9, 2019
posted by iamsuper at 9:25 AM on May 9, 2019
I'm like you too. I've often felt quite self conscious about my quietness, particularly in group settings, and noticed how it tends to affect or be interpreted by others based on the way the conversation flows, their body language etc. But one thing that has changed my way of thinking as I've aged into my mid 30s is that I've come to realize that my quietness might actually intimidate people in some way... he's not talking, but he's definitely listening... he's thinking. WHAT is he thinking,, I have no way of knowing!!! That kind of thing.
YMMV, but it's something I've noticed in myself and others. And I'm figuring out how to harness it, not necessarily "to intimidate" people, but to use it as a way to mentally gain an upper hand in conversation, instead of sitting there and letting them think conversing me is not worth their energy. It's empowering!
posted by wats at 9:25 AM on May 9, 2019 [11 favorites]
YMMV, but it's something I've noticed in myself and others. And I'm figuring out how to harness it, not necessarily "to intimidate" people, but to use it as a way to mentally gain an upper hand in conversation, instead of sitting there and letting them think conversing me is not worth their energy. It's empowering!
posted by wats at 9:25 AM on May 9, 2019 [11 favorites]
You are enough as you are.
It's bullshit that your family puts this back on you. Being an introvert, being quiet are not failings. They do not get to determine your self-worth based on their view of your ability to converse with new people.
As a fellow introvert and also someone who struggles with social anxiety, I totally get where you're coming from. I have decent social graces from years of performing them, but when I'm out of spoons, especially at the end of the day, words dry up and I can't seem to pull them out. I also have a lot more trouble in larger groups than one-on-one or with two or three people, even if I'm speaking to an individual at a larger event. I'm working on accepting myself as a quiet person, a listener. I also try to push myself to work on that. I try to ask questions that turn things back to the person I was introduced to, which doesn't always work. It's definitely a work in progress. Part of it is practice. Part is just talking (I get stuck inside my head worrying about phrasing things just right). Part of it is even prepping conversation topics. My partner has helped me visualize the conversation as a ball that needs to be passed regularly--I shouldn't hold it too long or drop it. My problem is usually dropping it!
I've also realized that A LOT of people are terrible at conversation. I pass the conversational ball and they drop it. But then neither of us picks it up again. So kind of a mutual problem. Maybe some of the people you're talking to are having a similar problem and are hoping they aren't making the conversation horrible for you!
My other trick is to extract myself: nice to meet/see/catch up with you! I'm going to get something to eat/drink/talk to so-and-so/get going.
Anyway, be gentle with yourself.
posted by carrioncomfort at 9:25 AM on May 9, 2019 [9 favorites]
It's bullshit that your family puts this back on you. Being an introvert, being quiet are not failings. They do not get to determine your self-worth based on their view of your ability to converse with new people.
As a fellow introvert and also someone who struggles with social anxiety, I totally get where you're coming from. I have decent social graces from years of performing them, but when I'm out of spoons, especially at the end of the day, words dry up and I can't seem to pull them out. I also have a lot more trouble in larger groups than one-on-one or with two or three people, even if I'm speaking to an individual at a larger event. I'm working on accepting myself as a quiet person, a listener. I also try to push myself to work on that. I try to ask questions that turn things back to the person I was introduced to, which doesn't always work. It's definitely a work in progress. Part of it is practice. Part is just talking (I get stuck inside my head worrying about phrasing things just right). Part of it is even prepping conversation topics. My partner has helped me visualize the conversation as a ball that needs to be passed regularly--I shouldn't hold it too long or drop it. My problem is usually dropping it!
I've also realized that A LOT of people are terrible at conversation. I pass the conversational ball and they drop it. But then neither of us picks it up again. So kind of a mutual problem. Maybe some of the people you're talking to are having a similar problem and are hoping they aren't making the conversation horrible for you!
My other trick is to extract myself: nice to meet/see/catch up with you! I'm going to get something to eat/drink/talk to so-and-so/get going.
Anyway, be gentle with yourself.
posted by carrioncomfort at 9:25 AM on May 9, 2019 [9 favorites]
Another example is when I meet somebody new and they are having to put all of the work into the conversation and I sense a sort of disappointment from them like they'd rather be talking to someone more outgoing.
I think there are two separate things going on: you're introverted AND you have poor/limited social skills.
It's fine to be introverted! But it's important to strengthen your social skills so that you can build and maintain good relationships. And also so that you yourself don't feel awkward, uncomfortable and self-conscious in social situations.
I'm going to go against the grain and say that your family probably aren't idiots -- they're probably just frustrated. I think that the most likely scenario is that they're people who love you and want to connect with you, want to include you in their lives (which includes socializing), and they're frustrated because they're not able to connect with or include you the way they want to, because your social skills aren't strong enough for you to meaningfully participate. So I think the answer is for you to develop your social skills to the point that you CAN participate.
Honestly, I think the best way to develop social skills is just to throw yourself into social situations with a lot of strangers and try, try, and try again. It will probably not be easy or fun until your skills are a bit stronger, but there's just no substitute for real-world practice. You can also try socializing regularly in a more controlled environment, like by joining a club or class or volunteer group. I'm sure there are also more formal resources, like books, but while they're probably helpful to an extent, there's nothing better than just meeting people, making conversation, and being a good friend in the real world.
Good conversations mean everyone is sharing things with each other. I wouldn't just pepper someone with questions about themselves, because it puts them on the spot. That's not really fair, and likely to make them feel uncomfortable, and still forces them to do virtually all the work. Instead, I would try to find a connection with them, even just based in whatever you're doing right there and then. You can chat about the food, the location, etc. Or maybe ask them one or two reasonably impersonal questions ("what brought you to the area?" "how do you know so-and-so?" etc) and then use their answer as a jumping off point to find a commonality. Once you're a better conversationalist, you'll have a much easier time at social events.
Aside from your behavior at social events themselves, being a good friend/relative overall means keeping in touch, checking in, acknowledging milestones (including holidays) and also just generally being present in someone's life. So invite your friends/relatives to do things, drop them a line, show up or host them for celebrations, etc.
posted by rue72 at 9:26 AM on May 9, 2019 [28 favorites]
I think there are two separate things going on: you're introverted AND you have poor/limited social skills.
It's fine to be introverted! But it's important to strengthen your social skills so that you can build and maintain good relationships. And also so that you yourself don't feel awkward, uncomfortable and self-conscious in social situations.
I'm going to go against the grain and say that your family probably aren't idiots -- they're probably just frustrated. I think that the most likely scenario is that they're people who love you and want to connect with you, want to include you in their lives (which includes socializing), and they're frustrated because they're not able to connect with or include you the way they want to, because your social skills aren't strong enough for you to meaningfully participate. So I think the answer is for you to develop your social skills to the point that you CAN participate.
Honestly, I think the best way to develop social skills is just to throw yourself into social situations with a lot of strangers and try, try, and try again. It will probably not be easy or fun until your skills are a bit stronger, but there's just no substitute for real-world practice. You can also try socializing regularly in a more controlled environment, like by joining a club or class or volunteer group. I'm sure there are also more formal resources, like books, but while they're probably helpful to an extent, there's nothing better than just meeting people, making conversation, and being a good friend in the real world.
Good conversations mean everyone is sharing things with each other. I wouldn't just pepper someone with questions about themselves, because it puts them on the spot. That's not really fair, and likely to make them feel uncomfortable, and still forces them to do virtually all the work. Instead, I would try to find a connection with them, even just based in whatever you're doing right there and then. You can chat about the food, the location, etc. Or maybe ask them one or two reasonably impersonal questions ("what brought you to the area?" "how do you know so-and-so?" etc) and then use their answer as a jumping off point to find a commonality. Once you're a better conversationalist, you'll have a much easier time at social events.
Aside from your behavior at social events themselves, being a good friend/relative overall means keeping in touch, checking in, acknowledging milestones (including holidays) and also just generally being present in someone's life. So invite your friends/relatives to do things, drop them a line, show up or host them for celebrations, etc.
posted by rue72 at 9:26 AM on May 9, 2019 [28 favorites]
I am very extroverted. If I start talking to someone at a party or event and they look uncomfortable or answer with yes or no and don't elaborate I start to feel they must not like me and that anxiety/disappointment probably shows on my face. I don't think it has ever occurred to me that the person might be acting that way because they are introverted. So it's definitely possible you are seeing real disappointment/panic coming through when you are alone talking with someone but it is probably about their own insecurities regarding you not hitting it off splendidly with each other.
I do understand relatives qualifying introductions. When I used to introduce my ex-husband to people (while we were married) and I didn't say anything other than the normal introductions I later found out that people thought he didn't like them/was irritated by them because he is an introvert. So, yeah, I started quietly letting people know upfront that he is an introvert so they didn't feel they were doing something wrong to upset him. It was especially dramatic if we both were talking with someone at the same time because in comparison to my extroversion, his introversion always seemed cold and hostile.
posted by TestamentToGrace at 9:30 AM on May 9, 2019 [4 favorites]
I do understand relatives qualifying introductions. When I used to introduce my ex-husband to people (while we were married) and I didn't say anything other than the normal introductions I later found out that people thought he didn't like them/was irritated by them because he is an introvert. So, yeah, I started quietly letting people know upfront that he is an introvert so they didn't feel they were doing something wrong to upset him. It was especially dramatic if we both were talking with someone at the same time because in comparison to my extroversion, his introversion always seemed cold and hostile.
posted by TestamentToGrace at 9:30 AM on May 9, 2019 [4 favorites]
I am you too. This will sound trite, but is really important. You are fine the way you are. You can not manage how other people respond to you. You might think you can try, but you really can't, so you might as well be you.
That being said, you can work on areas of your personality (like learning social skills), but do it from a place of trying new things, not trying to fix yourself. You don't need fixing.
posted by Crankatator at 9:32 AM on May 9, 2019 [17 favorites]
That being said, you can work on areas of your personality (like learning social skills), but do it from a place of trying new things, not trying to fix yourself. You don't need fixing.
posted by Crankatator at 9:32 AM on May 9, 2019 [17 favorites]
I'm more on the extroverted side but can also be a bit socially anxious, and I actually love encountering people like you at scary parties or networking events. I like trying to draw people who seem uncomfortable at these events out a bit and help put them at ease - it helps me forget my own awkwardness. (And if it doesn't work, well, it's not really your job to make me feel good about myself. As others have mentioned, it seems like you might be taking on too much responsibility for how these interactions go.) So please know that not all extroverts see folks like you as a burden - for some of us you provide a much needed sense of purpose in the moment!
posted by sunset in snow country at 9:33 AM on May 9, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by sunset in snow country at 9:33 AM on May 9, 2019 [6 favorites]
Amen, Crankatator.
I am you too. This will sound trite, but is really important. You are fine the way you are. You can not manage how other people respond to you. You might think you can try, but you really can't, so you might as well be you.
What I really wanted to say, as a fellow introvert, is fuck these people. If they're not sufficiently entertained by you, they can fuck off and talk to someone else.
posted by fiercecupcake at 9:39 AM on May 9, 2019 [17 favorites]
I am you too. This will sound trite, but is really important. You are fine the way you are. You can not manage how other people respond to you. You might think you can try, but you really can't, so you might as well be you.
What I really wanted to say, as a fellow introvert, is fuck these people. If they're not sufficiently entertained by you, they can fuck off and talk to someone else.
posted by fiercecupcake at 9:39 AM on May 9, 2019 [17 favorites]
I have, and would again, straight up told more extroverted family members not to make excuses for or apologize for me. I am responsible for myself, I like myself how I am, I'm not going to change how I am to make other people more comfortable, and anyone is free to talk to someone else if they don't like me.
It may seem like this flavor of self-love/confidence is not so compatible with introversion, but my very existence is evidence that it is.
That's not to say I don't think it could be valuable to improve one's conversational skills. A good conversation is worth trying for because it makes both participants feel seen, which is important. And it is possible to get better at this.
But if it doesn't go perfectly, you're not hurting anyone. Think of all the things in the world that are actually hurting people. A slightly awkward cocktail party conversation doesn't even begin to rate. As long as your awkward feelings aren't causing you to blurt out sexist or racist things, you're not doing anything wrong. Therefore there's nothing to feel guilty about.
As for disappointing your parents? That's something we all have to grapple with. But if you truly accept yourself how you are, that means it's their problem if they don't do the same.
posted by lampoil at 9:40 AM on May 9, 2019 [5 favorites]
It may seem like this flavor of self-love/confidence is not so compatible with introversion, but my very existence is evidence that it is.
That's not to say I don't think it could be valuable to improve one's conversational skills. A good conversation is worth trying for because it makes both participants feel seen, which is important. And it is possible to get better at this.
But if it doesn't go perfectly, you're not hurting anyone. Think of all the things in the world that are actually hurting people. A slightly awkward cocktail party conversation doesn't even begin to rate. As long as your awkward feelings aren't causing you to blurt out sexist or racist things, you're not doing anything wrong. Therefore there's nothing to feel guilty about.
As for disappointing your parents? That's something we all have to grapple with. But if you truly accept yourself how you are, that means it's their problem if they don't do the same.
posted by lampoil at 9:40 AM on May 9, 2019 [5 favorites]
As for your direct interactions with strangers, there are very few initial conversations like this that are *not* awkward. So many of us are inside our heads thinking “why do I make such inane comments about the weather? When will this conversation end? How do I escape back to someone I know.” What’s different for you as an introvert is the amount of effort involved to keep the ball in the air. Having a conversation with a stranger is not impossible for you, it just takes more effort than it might for others. So I think you should conceptualize it like someone else might strength training—practice (think of conversation topics in advance and how you might play out a conversation), conserve strength (don’t overbook yourself with events or commit to super long socializing when you don’t have to), eat your greens (keep an eye out for interesting topics of conversation or information about the people you’ll be meeting or the events you’ll be meeting them at), etc. Prepare in advance.
Now, separately, what your family says about you to others is just straight up rude and passive aggressive. I think you’d be well without your rights to ask them to cut it out (not in the heat of the moment but at a later time). It’s no one’s business to make excuses like that for a grown adult, and if they have a problem with how you behave then they can talk to you directly in private.
posted by sallybrown at 9:52 AM on May 9, 2019 [2 favorites]
Now, separately, what your family says about you to others is just straight up rude and passive aggressive. I think you’d be well without your rights to ask them to cut it out (not in the heat of the moment but at a later time). It’s no one’s business to make excuses like that for a grown adult, and if they have a problem with how you behave then they can talk to you directly in private.
posted by sallybrown at 9:52 AM on May 9, 2019 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: All really great answers - thanks all!
This is something I'd never thought about before: they're frustrated because they're not able to connect with you - I will definitely think about this.
I also wanted to clarify: I think I might have given the impression that I have zero social skills but it's not really the case. I don't live under a rock, I do have plenty of friends and an active social life and keep in regular contact with people. I actively meet new people all the time and am perfectly capable of having a regular conversation, unless I'm feeling tired or drained and it's a bit of a struggle to think of things to say. It's just I'm definitely more of an introvert than an extrovert.
OK - no more threadsitting now.
posted by iamsuper at 9:59 AM on May 9, 2019 [5 favorites]
This is something I'd never thought about before: they're frustrated because they're not able to connect with you - I will definitely think about this.
I also wanted to clarify: I think I might have given the impression that I have zero social skills but it's not really the case. I don't live under a rock, I do have plenty of friends and an active social life and keep in regular contact with people. I actively meet new people all the time and am perfectly capable of having a regular conversation, unless I'm feeling tired or drained and it's a bit of a struggle to think of things to say. It's just I'm definitely more of an introvert than an extrovert.
OK - no more threadsitting now.
posted by iamsuper at 9:59 AM on May 9, 2019 [5 favorites]
I'm one of those talkative, socially loud introverts - as soon as I'm around people I end up putting all of my energy into it, and then I run home exhausted and don't want to speak to anyone for like two weeks after a single conversation. So I'm not like you. But my best friend is, and I've lived with him for many years and we've learned to support each other in a way that's a real boon to both of our styles of social interaction. So my advice is based on what I've learned being beside him and seeing what works there, and between us.
I think your concerns are totally valid! People who are saying you're projecting are maybe not privy to the ins and outs of their more extremely introverted buddies because they're, well, quiet about it. In a perfect world you would be just fine the way you are, and you ARE a good and valuable and likely beloved person, but life is hard and complicated and it's helpful to have the attitude that we're always learning, and there are always opportunities for ways to remove friction from your life.
The thing I think you might best focus on is garnering support from other people. You're going to have to be proactive about this, and speak up somewhat, but the trick here is that because you are normally so quiet (or seem to be) the moments when you speak up will have a lot more weight. Tell your friends that you're unhappy with how they introduce you to others, that they shouldn't apologize for you. As always when criticizing someone, provide a preferred example, like maybe they ask the other person about themselves if there's a lull in conversation they're uncomfortable with. Tell your friends that you've been made uncomfortable, tell them that you want social interactions to be more positive, ask them for their support. It may surprise you how much folks respond to honest requests like this.
Similarly, when you're stuck one on one with someone and you're feeling that they're going "oh no not this guy", you can just put it out there. Say "I'm pretty quiet, I know." Or, if you're feeling a little sarcastic and you suspect the other person would be amused, "Ah, I spend my time by the snack table so I don't have to talk as much." Or something similar, just shining a light on your verbal reticence. This can be reassuring to the other person - it's not that you hate them, it's not that they've made you uncomfortable, it's just how you are, and you're okay with it.
At parties my bestie very clearly prefers what we call "holding court", wherein he sets up in one place and waits for people to come to him. When nobody comes up to him, that's 100% fine by him! When more than one person comes up then most often they end up talking to each other and my bestie will be actively listening but not speaking, and then they kind of organically wander off. I can support him by bringing drinks and snacks and sometimes pulling away someone who has been talking at him for too long - this helps me too, because I have a job and it turns out that's what I need most during parties. His other go-to trick is Pictures of Pets. Mine too, to be honest. Do you have a cute cat? Does your mom have a cute dog? Does your niece have a hamster? Everybody loves to look at pictures of pets, which leads to them telling you stories about pets they know, which takes the burden off of you, and also gives everyone a socially acceptable excuse to have their phone in their hand, which can make conversation easier especially for folks who feel drained by direct eye contact. Maybe you have a job-related interest that is similarly all-occasions appropriate and picture friendly. More generally, have some tricks, and some methods for navigating commonly uncomfortable social situations. Don't go in blind every time, have some systems in place, and ask your friends for help with those systems. Doing these things doesn't devalue you, it just makes you self aware.
As for your family not respecting your job, that's a process. I think that's a whole different angle on your insecurities and something that therapy can be really effective in helping, but it might also be a cultural or generational gap that you can never quite straddle. You might start with your most accepting family member and bring up at one point how tremendously unhappy you would be at a "normal" job, like in an office or whatever. Ask them to imagine it and laugh about how much nicer your current situation is. Seed this idea here and there where you can, so that when you're not around and this subject arises you'll have supportive people speaking for you. Little steps at a time will change things in big ways, but you do have to bring it up and make people aware of your current dissatisfaction with their attitudes. Framing it positively can help, being otherwise happy can be a huge help, being deliberately oblivious and nonresponsive to negativity can help.
posted by Mizu at 10:12 AM on May 9, 2019 [6 favorites]
I think your concerns are totally valid! People who are saying you're projecting are maybe not privy to the ins and outs of their more extremely introverted buddies because they're, well, quiet about it. In a perfect world you would be just fine the way you are, and you ARE a good and valuable and likely beloved person, but life is hard and complicated and it's helpful to have the attitude that we're always learning, and there are always opportunities for ways to remove friction from your life.
The thing I think you might best focus on is garnering support from other people. You're going to have to be proactive about this, and speak up somewhat, but the trick here is that because you are normally so quiet (or seem to be) the moments when you speak up will have a lot more weight. Tell your friends that you're unhappy with how they introduce you to others, that they shouldn't apologize for you. As always when criticizing someone, provide a preferred example, like maybe they ask the other person about themselves if there's a lull in conversation they're uncomfortable with. Tell your friends that you've been made uncomfortable, tell them that you want social interactions to be more positive, ask them for their support. It may surprise you how much folks respond to honest requests like this.
Similarly, when you're stuck one on one with someone and you're feeling that they're going "oh no not this guy", you can just put it out there. Say "I'm pretty quiet, I know." Or, if you're feeling a little sarcastic and you suspect the other person would be amused, "Ah, I spend my time by the snack table so I don't have to talk as much." Or something similar, just shining a light on your verbal reticence. This can be reassuring to the other person - it's not that you hate them, it's not that they've made you uncomfortable, it's just how you are, and you're okay with it.
At parties my bestie very clearly prefers what we call "holding court", wherein he sets up in one place and waits for people to come to him. When nobody comes up to him, that's 100% fine by him! When more than one person comes up then most often they end up talking to each other and my bestie will be actively listening but not speaking, and then they kind of organically wander off. I can support him by bringing drinks and snacks and sometimes pulling away someone who has been talking at him for too long - this helps me too, because I have a job and it turns out that's what I need most during parties. His other go-to trick is Pictures of Pets. Mine too, to be honest. Do you have a cute cat? Does your mom have a cute dog? Does your niece have a hamster? Everybody loves to look at pictures of pets, which leads to them telling you stories about pets they know, which takes the burden off of you, and also gives everyone a socially acceptable excuse to have their phone in their hand, which can make conversation easier especially for folks who feel drained by direct eye contact. Maybe you have a job-related interest that is similarly all-occasions appropriate and picture friendly. More generally, have some tricks, and some methods for navigating commonly uncomfortable social situations. Don't go in blind every time, have some systems in place, and ask your friends for help with those systems. Doing these things doesn't devalue you, it just makes you self aware.
As for your family not respecting your job, that's a process. I think that's a whole different angle on your insecurities and something that therapy can be really effective in helping, but it might also be a cultural or generational gap that you can never quite straddle. You might start with your most accepting family member and bring up at one point how tremendously unhappy you would be at a "normal" job, like in an office or whatever. Ask them to imagine it and laugh about how much nicer your current situation is. Seed this idea here and there where you can, so that when you're not around and this subject arises you'll have supportive people speaking for you. Little steps at a time will change things in big ways, but you do have to bring it up and make people aware of your current dissatisfaction with their attitudes. Framing it positively can help, being otherwise happy can be a huge help, being deliberately oblivious and nonresponsive to negativity can help.
posted by Mizu at 10:12 AM on May 9, 2019 [6 favorites]
...they are having to put all of the work into the conversation and I sense a sort of disappointment from them like they'd rather be talking to someone more outgoing. Or someone gets left alone with me and I feel like they are thinking 'oh no, I've been stuck with the introverted guy' and I feel guilty about that.
I honestly just let people go if they so clearly want to. They don't need to talk to me if it's not fun for them. Sorry if that's disappointing to whoever introduced us but presumably (if family/friend) they could have known I wasn't likely to leap in with dazzling conversation on my own. I do try to prep for known upcoming interactions with potential discussion topics so I don't have literally nothing to say that isn't considered weird*, but if it doesn't work, I just politely disengage instead of trying to force something. I figure they'll be happier with their own kind anyway. Or even when it's one-on-one, like a car ride or waiting for the extrovert to return: these days, most people are content enough to tuck into their devices and engage with their more interactive friends, or chosen distractions, that way. If I really focus on the pattern like I am now I can summon vague concern that people think I'm kind of a jerk, but I can't control other people's thoughts/emotions, right? All I can do is be kind to them.
Regardless of what anyone else might think, you are indeed super, just the way you are. :)
* For example there are meetings I go to where everyone "checks in" with little updates about their day or current state of being, and I literally have bullet points ready. I'm pretty sure the rest of everyone does it extemporaneously but whatever. Or when I get my hair cut, I have miscellaneous stories in mind ahead of time, so I have some response to "what have you been up to lately?" but they're really accessible stories that prompt the other person to tell me about their recent experiences. But if I run into someone at the grocery store, I'm entirely liable to claim there's nothing going on in my life, and people who know me either understand that that's probably not technically true and that they'd need to ask under different circumstances, or they don't.
posted by teremala at 10:15 AM on May 9, 2019 [2 favorites]
I honestly just let people go if they so clearly want to. They don't need to talk to me if it's not fun for them. Sorry if that's disappointing to whoever introduced us but presumably (if family/friend) they could have known I wasn't likely to leap in with dazzling conversation on my own. I do try to prep for known upcoming interactions with potential discussion topics so I don't have literally nothing to say that isn't considered weird*, but if it doesn't work, I just politely disengage instead of trying to force something. I figure they'll be happier with their own kind anyway. Or even when it's one-on-one, like a car ride or waiting for the extrovert to return: these days, most people are content enough to tuck into their devices and engage with their more interactive friends, or chosen distractions, that way. If I really focus on the pattern like I am now I can summon vague concern that people think I'm kind of a jerk, but I can't control other people's thoughts/emotions, right? All I can do is be kind to them.
Regardless of what anyone else might think, you are indeed super, just the way you are. :)
* For example there are meetings I go to where everyone "checks in" with little updates about their day or current state of being, and I literally have bullet points ready. I'm pretty sure the rest of everyone does it extemporaneously but whatever. Or when I get my hair cut, I have miscellaneous stories in mind ahead of time, so I have some response to "what have you been up to lately?" but they're really accessible stories that prompt the other person to tell me about their recent experiences. But if I run into someone at the grocery store, I'm entirely liable to claim there's nothing going on in my life, and people who know me either understand that that's probably not technically true and that they'd need to ask under different circumstances, or they don't.
posted by teremala at 10:15 AM on May 9, 2019 [2 favorites]
your updates make me feel even more strongly that the problem, the source of your guilt, is the obnoxious behavior of your family and friends that are openly shaming you for being a quiet person. I would limit my time spent with such people and concentrate my social energies on the friends who do not behave in this rude and socially ugly manner.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:28 AM on May 9, 2019 [9 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 10:28 AM on May 9, 2019 [9 favorites]
Somewhat anecdotal, but three things that help me:
- Remind myself that most people really enjoy being listened to. And if they stop talking and the conversation ends there, it is also their choice to (1) stop talking and (2) not show interest in me and ask me questions.
- Remind myself that people who like me are truly OK that I am the way I am. And I know because I have asked them very specifically. E.g. "Do you mind when we're at parties and I go sit alone and zone out or look at my phone?"
- If someone is "stuck" with me and I feel like they are probably not super enjoying conversing with me, I don't hesitate to use a convenient excuse to get out of there and let them go. Bathroom, snack, "check on something", whatever. Doesn't even matter if they suspect that it's just an excuse.
And you sound like a nice person. That's way better than the many extrovert jerks out there.
posted by bread-eater at 10:31 AM on May 9, 2019 [1 favorite]
- Remind myself that most people really enjoy being listened to. And if they stop talking and the conversation ends there, it is also their choice to (1) stop talking and (2) not show interest in me and ask me questions.
- Remind myself that people who like me are truly OK that I am the way I am. And I know because I have asked them very specifically. E.g. "Do you mind when we're at parties and I go sit alone and zone out or look at my phone?"
- If someone is "stuck" with me and I feel like they are probably not super enjoying conversing with me, I don't hesitate to use a convenient excuse to get out of there and let them go. Bathroom, snack, "check on something", whatever. Doesn't even matter if they suspect that it's just an excuse.
And you sound like a nice person. That's way better than the many extrovert jerks out there.
posted by bread-eater at 10:31 AM on May 9, 2019 [1 favorite]
By the way, if someone introduced me with apologies for my reserved nature, I'd almost certainly respond with something kind of ridiculous like, "Ahem, I prefer aloof," because otherwise it seems like it'd ipso facto kill any potential conversation. Why are people doing that to you? It's probably sabotaging your otherwise competent efforts.
posted by teremala at 10:33 AM on May 9, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by teremala at 10:33 AM on May 9, 2019 [6 favorites]
Are you young? You read young.
One of the better aspects of getting older, for me, has been the increased willingness to just be how I am and need what I need and give what I can but no more, which comes with the full understanding that if anybody has a problem with how I am then it's their problem, not mine; I'm actively unpleasant only to fuckheads who fully deserve it, I'm not forcing anyone else to hang out with me, and I get along with me just fine.
Almost makes up for everything hurting most of the time.
posted by flabdablet at 10:47 AM on May 9, 2019 [5 favorites]
One of the better aspects of getting older, for me, has been the increased willingness to just be how I am and need what I need and give what I can but no more, which comes with the full understanding that if anybody has a problem with how I am then it's their problem, not mine; I'm actively unpleasant only to fuckheads who fully deserve it, I'm not forcing anyone else to hang out with me, and I get along with me just fine.
Almost makes up for everything hurting most of the time.
posted by flabdablet at 10:47 AM on May 9, 2019 [5 favorites]
The following is shallow advice meant to give you more social- interaction capital.
You don't need to change your introversion. You can change the performance of your introversion, especially at parties or other social events.
Extroverts respond not just to how much you speak, but to the subtle manifestation of whether you seem confident and cool in your quietness, or whether you seem embarrassed and uncomfortable. People will project onto you based on how chill you seem with being less talkative. If you listen without trying too hard to become the kind of conversationalist you aren't, without embarrassment, without a SPECK of misplaced guilt, then some extroverts -- who want very much to be liked by everyone -- will switch the power dynamic: some will even feel that you're deciding whether they're worth listening to, and they'll try to impress you. You can be kind and nice and still enjoy their trying to impress you rather than dismiss you. Don't perform introversion as awkward or incapable, perform it as you don't friggin feel like saying what you don't feel like saying. You deserve respect for being who you are, but people respond to implicit confidence. (And if your family says "you'll have to excuse them," you can quietly say "actually you don't have to excuse me" with a little smile.
posted by nantucket at 10:48 AM on May 9, 2019 [6 favorites]
You don't need to change your introversion. You can change the performance of your introversion, especially at parties or other social events.
Extroverts respond not just to how much you speak, but to the subtle manifestation of whether you seem confident and cool in your quietness, or whether you seem embarrassed and uncomfortable. People will project onto you based on how chill you seem with being less talkative. If you listen without trying too hard to become the kind of conversationalist you aren't, without embarrassment, without a SPECK of misplaced guilt, then some extroverts -- who want very much to be liked by everyone -- will switch the power dynamic: some will even feel that you're deciding whether they're worth listening to, and they'll try to impress you. You can be kind and nice and still enjoy their trying to impress you rather than dismiss you. Don't perform introversion as awkward or incapable, perform it as you don't friggin feel like saying what you don't feel like saying. You deserve respect for being who you are, but people respond to implicit confidence. (And if your family says "you'll have to excuse them," you can quietly say "actually you don't have to excuse me" with a little smile.
posted by nantucket at 10:48 AM on May 9, 2019 [6 favorites]
Family member: you’ll have to excuse him, he’s a bit reserved (after introducing us)
Me (in my head): that was an incredibly awkward thing for FM to say and now I feel awkward about THAT and not about anything that happened in the introduction. Also I’m an adult, am I not allow to form my own impressions of people?
This world needs all kinds of people. Parties need all kinds of people. I LOVE meeting a fellow introvert/awkward person at a party because I know we will accept one another as we are. I often present to others as extroverted so I’m just wondering how often your FMs are doing their off putting introduction thing to covert introverts and offending them.
posted by CMcG at 10:54 AM on May 9, 2019 [4 favorites]
Me (in my head): that was an incredibly awkward thing for FM to say and now I feel awkward about THAT and not about anything that happened in the introduction. Also I’m an adult, am I not allow to form my own impressions of people?
This world needs all kinds of people. Parties need all kinds of people. I LOVE meeting a fellow introvert/awkward person at a party because I know we will accept one another as we are. I often present to others as extroverted so I’m just wondering how often your FMs are doing their off putting introduction thing to covert introverts and offending them.
posted by CMcG at 10:54 AM on May 9, 2019 [4 favorites]
It sounds like the situation, as it currently stands, is causing you some distress. Which to my mind is a sign that you need to change something instead of trying to find ways to be okay with a situation that you’re clearly not okay with.
You have some options: work more on your small talk skills so that you can hold up your fair share of the conversation more often, talk to your family and ask them to stop saying things in front of you that make you feel bad, or stop spending time with people who make you feel bad.
Or maybe a combo of those things.
posted by colfax at 11:38 AM on May 9, 2019
You have some options: work more on your small talk skills so that you can hold up your fair share of the conversation more often, talk to your family and ask them to stop saying things in front of you that make you feel bad, or stop spending time with people who make you feel bad.
Or maybe a combo of those things.
posted by colfax at 11:38 AM on May 9, 2019
I suggest you read Caring for Your Introvert. Your first duty is to care for yourself.
posted by Carol Anne at 11:45 AM on May 9, 2019
posted by Carol Anne at 11:45 AM on May 9, 2019
This whole thread leaves me confused because it‘s mostly people visualising what you being introverted might mean. But I actually don‘t know what exactly you are doing/not doing in a conversation that points to you being introverted.
You say you do have conversational skills and ask questions and the like. That should mostly suffice to come off as quite personable. What‘s the difference between your actions and the actions of a person who would not disappoint?
I think the question is important because it refocusses this thread on „are there specific actions we can recommend“, rather than „being an introvert is fine“, which, while true, is vague to the point of uselessness.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:52 AM on May 9, 2019 [6 favorites]
You say you do have conversational skills and ask questions and the like. That should mostly suffice to come off as quite personable. What‘s the difference between your actions and the actions of a person who would not disappoint?
I think the question is important because it refocusses this thread on „are there specific actions we can recommend“, rather than „being an introvert is fine“, which, while true, is vague to the point of uselessness.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:52 AM on May 9, 2019 [6 favorites]
There seems to be a couple of different things going on here:
First, your family is bringing a lot of awkwardness and distress to the table for everyone involved when they're apologizing for you being quiet. I feel really bad for you that they're saying stuff like this about their adult child, wtf. It comes across as pretty infantalizing and it's worth trying to push back against it. That said, they may not intentionally be being jerks about this. For example, my family's background is one where being gregarious in group settings is a big part of their culture of origin - it's how they interpret people as providing good hospitality and being "down to earth". Revealing shyness or introversion beyond your immediate family is a bit of a no-no. The not-intentionally-jerkish thing may also apply if they don't have particularly good social skills themselves.
The other thing, though, is about your communication skills. It is, to be honest, kind of challenging to feel like you have to do all the work to keep a conversation going. While people love to talk about themselves, most people with good social skills don't want to feel like they're talking at someone. Something that may help is gravitating towards small groups rather than one-on-one interactions so that you can take on a smaller portion of that load. There will be times that you just don't feel up for carrying that burden at all, and then it's sometimes best to listen to yourself and head home early (or decline altogether) to recharge.
There are times when quietness isn't a big deal, and then there are times when it can in fact make an interaction awkward. Non-verbal communication is a big part of the difference. Someone upthread said that there are times when being quiet and unreadable can be unhelpful, but much of the time you want and need your non-verbal cues to be effective, accurate, and compensate for your not being as talkative. Jokes about RBF aside, sometimes the discomfort in interacting with quiet people is that their body language also reads as (unintentionally) negative or disengaged. It's not just extroverts who read their conversation partners; as an introvert myself, I find people who are both verbally and non-verbally inscrutable uncomfortable to deal with in a social setting.
The bottom line here is while there is nothing wrong with being an introvert, good social skills and introversion aren't polar opposites. You noted that you do have environments where you feel more comfortable interacting, so it might help to think about what you can draw from those situations to help you in other settings. Best of luck!
posted by blerghamot at 12:20 PM on May 9, 2019 [1 favorite]
First, your family is bringing a lot of awkwardness and distress to the table for everyone involved when they're apologizing for you being quiet. I feel really bad for you that they're saying stuff like this about their adult child, wtf. It comes across as pretty infantalizing and it's worth trying to push back against it. That said, they may not intentionally be being jerks about this. For example, my family's background is one where being gregarious in group settings is a big part of their culture of origin - it's how they interpret people as providing good hospitality and being "down to earth". Revealing shyness or introversion beyond your immediate family is a bit of a no-no. The not-intentionally-jerkish thing may also apply if they don't have particularly good social skills themselves.
The other thing, though, is about your communication skills. It is, to be honest, kind of challenging to feel like you have to do all the work to keep a conversation going. While people love to talk about themselves, most people with good social skills don't want to feel like they're talking at someone. Something that may help is gravitating towards small groups rather than one-on-one interactions so that you can take on a smaller portion of that load. There will be times that you just don't feel up for carrying that burden at all, and then it's sometimes best to listen to yourself and head home early (or decline altogether) to recharge.
There are times when quietness isn't a big deal, and then there are times when it can in fact make an interaction awkward. Non-verbal communication is a big part of the difference. Someone upthread said that there are times when being quiet and unreadable can be unhelpful, but much of the time you want and need your non-verbal cues to be effective, accurate, and compensate for your not being as talkative. Jokes about RBF aside, sometimes the discomfort in interacting with quiet people is that their body language also reads as (unintentionally) negative or disengaged. It's not just extroverts who read their conversation partners; as an introvert myself, I find people who are both verbally and non-verbally inscrutable uncomfortable to deal with in a social setting.
The bottom line here is while there is nothing wrong with being an introvert, good social skills and introversion aren't polar opposites. You noted that you do have environments where you feel more comfortable interacting, so it might help to think about what you can draw from those situations to help you in other settings. Best of luck!
posted by blerghamot at 12:20 PM on May 9, 2019 [1 favorite]
Your headline is "how to deal with guilt about being an introvert." If that's really your question, I think it helps to work through what you feel bad about versus what is other people's baggage that you need to quit carrying.
It may help for you to sit with yourself and consider if you are who you want to be with respect to your introversion. You say you've accepted that you're an introvert and that you can see the strengths to it, but it doesn't sound that way in your question. If you work towards really accepting yourself as an introvert, that may help you separate the unhealthy shame from productive self improvement. You can reflect on social situations and say "did I behave the way I wanted to?" If you did, great, put it in the win column, and tune out family members (or your own voice) who make you feel bad for being yourself. If not, work on specific behaviors.
Your loved ones introducing you as "you'll have to forgive him, he's reserved" is a real disservice, is condescending, and sounds like they don't have very good boundaries. If you think it would be productive, ask them not to introduce you that way before the next social event together.
Without knowing what specifically you feel like you're not doing a good job at in social settings, I once read advice for what to talk about on first dates, which may be applicable. I liked it because it sort of acknowledged that not all of us are natural, witty, effortless conversationalists. It's ok to do some prep work. The advice was to think through possible topics to discuss, like what you have going on that you're looking forward to (vacation/trip plans, new projects, etc.), what you've learned recently, or what you've read or seen recently that might be worth talking about. If it's more about your energy level in social situations, maybe you can do some planning around that (eat first, listen to your favorite playlist on the way, have your wind-down ritual ready as something to look forward to).
posted by kochenta at 12:58 PM on May 9, 2019 [3 favorites]
It may help for you to sit with yourself and consider if you are who you want to be with respect to your introversion. You say you've accepted that you're an introvert and that you can see the strengths to it, but it doesn't sound that way in your question. If you work towards really accepting yourself as an introvert, that may help you separate the unhealthy shame from productive self improvement. You can reflect on social situations and say "did I behave the way I wanted to?" If you did, great, put it in the win column, and tune out family members (or your own voice) who make you feel bad for being yourself. If not, work on specific behaviors.
Your loved ones introducing you as "you'll have to forgive him, he's reserved" is a real disservice, is condescending, and sounds like they don't have very good boundaries. If you think it would be productive, ask them not to introduce you that way before the next social event together.
Without knowing what specifically you feel like you're not doing a good job at in social settings, I once read advice for what to talk about on first dates, which may be applicable. I liked it because it sort of acknowledged that not all of us are natural, witty, effortless conversationalists. It's ok to do some prep work. The advice was to think through possible topics to discuss, like what you have going on that you're looking forward to (vacation/trip plans, new projects, etc.), what you've learned recently, or what you've read or seen recently that might be worth talking about. If it's more about your energy level in social situations, maybe you can do some planning around that (eat first, listen to your favorite playlist on the way, have your wind-down ritual ready as something to look forward to).
posted by kochenta at 12:58 PM on May 9, 2019 [3 favorites]
Just wanted to chime in and add a little more to what TestamentToGrace said—I am an extrovert and love talking. BUT! When someone doesn't give anything back—doesn't chime in about themselves, just lets me yammer—I get anxious, not that they don't like me from the get-go, but that I'm talking too much and dominating the conversation (and that this will ultimately make them not like me). Which is a look that is extremely bad, and maybe many introverted MeFites have not suffered the embarrassment of being told to take a seat, but trust me, it's absolutely humiliating to have many people over the years encourage you to be quieter, less outgoing, less dominating-of-the-air...and to know they're right.
So when I talk with introverts, when we don't mesh, 90% of the time I leave the conversation thinking "shit, I really talked over that guy, I'm such a jerk, why do I always do this, I'm too much, I should just shut up, fuuuuuu."
This may have no relevance to your situation. You don't say enough (and we can't personally know you) for me to say. But just be aware that it's perfectly possible to be socially awkward in BOTH DIRECTIONS! And maybe that's part of what you're running into.
posted by branca at 1:20 PM on May 9, 2019 [6 favorites]
So when I talk with introverts, when we don't mesh, 90% of the time I leave the conversation thinking "shit, I really talked over that guy, I'm such a jerk, why do I always do this, I'm too much, I should just shut up, fuuuuuu."
This may have no relevance to your situation. You don't say enough (and we can't personally know you) for me to say. But just be aware that it's perfectly possible to be socially awkward in BOTH DIRECTIONS! And maybe that's part of what you're running into.
posted by branca at 1:20 PM on May 9, 2019 [6 favorites]
Extreme introvert here as well. From basically first grade to present-day (early 40s), my evaluations from others have essentially read: "Does great work, but is too quiet." On top of my introversion, I have an invisible chronic illness, so I'm always carefully managing my energy just to cope with that and get through every day. Building new relationships is definitely not a top priority when I feel crappy, and it shows.
I think that I'm lucky in that I'm perceived as being cool/calm/competent/self-contained in the workplace (I'm a cis white male, which makes all the difference), and as a result was recently promoted into a management position. Now I think my boss is becoming frustrated by my introverted qualities and I'm struggling with the role greatly.
I don't do well in group settings/events/parties (sensory overload), but I often do great one-on-one. So I try to make an effort to connect with people that way--to show vulnerability and humor and ask questions. Sometimes I have to force myself to do it, but I'm usually pretty happy I did. These people are typically much warmer towards me when I run into them later, even if I've reverted to extreme introversion in that moment. So it really is worth it to make a concerted effort to connect with people; it does pay off and will make you feel confident in your ability to be flexible/adaptable.
Weirdly, I really like going on dates with people, and more often than they go really well. I just freak out about actively dating anyone because, eek, they'll steal all of my free time/re-charge time! Probably the best relationship I ever had was with an extrovert who accepted me. She spent all of her time interacting with a large social network, and I basically could tag along as I desired, or not! I really like neurotic, brainy extroverts.
When I'm not at my best, I do think that people can read that I feel irritated by them (I often am). I also think they can read judgement into my silence (they're sometimes right).
I think it's a mix--your perception of your situation is accurate in many ways, and bit of a projection in others. Lots of good advice here. We all have to find ways to accept ourselves as we are. And we could all do with a bit of self-improvement here and there.
posted by bennett being thrown at 2:08 PM on May 9, 2019 [1 favorite]
I think that I'm lucky in that I'm perceived as being cool/calm/competent/self-contained in the workplace (I'm a cis white male, which makes all the difference), and as a result was recently promoted into a management position. Now I think my boss is becoming frustrated by my introverted qualities and I'm struggling with the role greatly.
I don't do well in group settings/events/parties (sensory overload), but I often do great one-on-one. So I try to make an effort to connect with people that way--to show vulnerability and humor and ask questions. Sometimes I have to force myself to do it, but I'm usually pretty happy I did. These people are typically much warmer towards me when I run into them later, even if I've reverted to extreme introversion in that moment. So it really is worth it to make a concerted effort to connect with people; it does pay off and will make you feel confident in your ability to be flexible/adaptable.
Weirdly, I really like going on dates with people, and more often than they go really well. I just freak out about actively dating anyone because, eek, they'll steal all of my free time/re-charge time! Probably the best relationship I ever had was with an extrovert who accepted me. She spent all of her time interacting with a large social network, and I basically could tag along as I desired, or not! I really like neurotic, brainy extroverts.
When I'm not at my best, I do think that people can read that I feel irritated by them (I often am). I also think they can read judgement into my silence (they're sometimes right).
I think it's a mix--your perception of your situation is accurate in many ways, and bit of a projection in others. Lots of good advice here. We all have to find ways to accept ourselves as we are. And we could all do with a bit of self-improvement here and there.
posted by bennett being thrown at 2:08 PM on May 9, 2019 [1 favorite]
So you've described some types of interactions where you get a sense that another person involved might be having an unsatisfactory experience: someone's disappointed that you're not more talkative, or a family member is embarrassed about you. I would challenge these beliefs about other people's states of mind very hard before accepting them as necessarily true, but let's assume they are. What do *you* want out of these interactions? What would make them a rewarding experience *for you*? There are many possible answers to that question, and you'd be well served by finding a specific motivation that's about you (rather than about avoiding possible unpleasantness for others).
As a fellow introvert I know it sometimes feels like social interaction is a weird set of awkward rituals people put themselves through to no apparent purpose, but it's just about connection. Instead of feeling anxious about whether you're going to perform socialization in an acceptable way, you might try going into an interaction with the goal of seeing what kind of connection you might be able to find with the other person. Not necessarily in the sense of forging a deep friendship or anything like that -- could be just a taste you have in common, a shared laugh, any little thing that makes you walk away a couple minutes later feeling that the world is a slightly nicer place. Sometimes you'll come up empty, but other times you won't, and this way you'd be going in with a more exploratory mindset rather than worrying about whether you'll pass a social test to others' satisfaction.
About your family, it's often the case that the qualities people criticize most in others are those that they're most uncomfortable with in themselves. Are you sure some of your family members aren't also introverts, but maybe ones who've taught themselves more socializing strategies than you have? As a teenager, I would have told you my mom was a huge extrovert: she seemed confident and comfortable in social situations, had a large circle of friends and acquaintances, etc. Today I realize she's the second most introverted person I know, after myself. It's just that she's learned some specific skills that make socializing easier for her. (Unfortunately this didn't always stop her from making fun of me for being introverted, as it sounds like your family might.) Regardless of whether this is true of your family members, it does show that much of what we perceive as introversion/extroversion is actually a function of learnable skills, which you could learn too. But it'll be easier and more interesting if you approach it with a positive self-motivation, instead of the other-centered negative motivation that you express in the post.
posted by zeri at 3:00 PM on May 9, 2019
As a fellow introvert I know it sometimes feels like social interaction is a weird set of awkward rituals people put themselves through to no apparent purpose, but it's just about connection. Instead of feeling anxious about whether you're going to perform socialization in an acceptable way, you might try going into an interaction with the goal of seeing what kind of connection you might be able to find with the other person. Not necessarily in the sense of forging a deep friendship or anything like that -- could be just a taste you have in common, a shared laugh, any little thing that makes you walk away a couple minutes later feeling that the world is a slightly nicer place. Sometimes you'll come up empty, but other times you won't, and this way you'd be going in with a more exploratory mindset rather than worrying about whether you'll pass a social test to others' satisfaction.
About your family, it's often the case that the qualities people criticize most in others are those that they're most uncomfortable with in themselves. Are you sure some of your family members aren't also introverts, but maybe ones who've taught themselves more socializing strategies than you have? As a teenager, I would have told you my mom was a huge extrovert: she seemed confident and comfortable in social situations, had a large circle of friends and acquaintances, etc. Today I realize she's the second most introverted person I know, after myself. It's just that she's learned some specific skills that make socializing easier for her. (Unfortunately this didn't always stop her from making fun of me for being introverted, as it sounds like your family might.) Regardless of whether this is true of your family members, it does show that much of what we perceive as introversion/extroversion is actually a function of learnable skills, which you could learn too. But it'll be easier and more interesting if you approach it with a positive self-motivation, instead of the other-centered negative motivation that you express in the post.
posted by zeri at 3:00 PM on May 9, 2019
It’s fine to be introverted (I’m an extreme introvert, so trust me, I get it!) but it basically comes down to the quality of your interactions that will determine how people view you. If someone approaches you with an opening question and you kill it dead with a one word answer or show no interest or look away, then that’s a conversation killer which will probably ensure people won’t be keen to get to know you better (not saying you do any of these things!).
If you make a dry witty one liner, compliment them or do anything to make them feel like you’re interested or warm or funny - even if it’s not a long conversation because you’re not up for that - their takeaway of you will be warm and likeable even if the length of conversation was about the same. So it’s down to quality not quantity. You can be an introvert and still be friendly.
posted by Jubey at 4:43 PM on May 9, 2019 [3 favorites]
If you make a dry witty one liner, compliment them or do anything to make them feel like you’re interested or warm or funny - even if it’s not a long conversation because you’re not up for that - their takeaway of you will be warm and likeable even if the length of conversation was about the same. So it’s down to quality not quantity. You can be an introvert and still be friendly.
posted by Jubey at 4:43 PM on May 9, 2019 [3 favorites]
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Most people are not going to immediately judge you to be introverted and then be disappointed upon an introduction. Whoever's introducing you like this is not doing you any favors, though. It might be time to confront people who introduce you with what is basically an apology to your new acquaintance.
Or someone gets left alone with me and I feel like they are thinking 'oh no, I've been stuck with the introverted guy' and I feel guilty about that.
You know what? People LOVE to talk about themselves. I guarantee you as well that people have things to think about that aren't you. Try to remind yourself that it's unlikely these people are thinking of you as harshly as you are thinking about yourself.
posted by fiercecupcake at 9:03 AM on May 9, 2019 [18 favorites]